Song Remains the Same

by R. W. Winters

For Alex Winchester, normal has never been in the equation. Mute since the nursery fire, she grew up on the road chasing ghosts with her brothers and father. When her voice is inexplicably restored and the angel Castiel appears claiming to be her guardian, both of their lives change forever in ways that Heaven and Earth never expected. Castiel/OFC. Sisfic - S4-9 - Alternate Ending.

78. Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Song Remains the Same

Chapter 78 / Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

"She had loved him for such a long time, she thought.
How was it that she did now know him at all?"
- Cassandra Clare

---

Castiel was hidden inside of a winter Heaven. Away from the war, away from the Winchesters, away from everything. He had escaped it all, for however short a period of time.

The only thing he could not escape? Himself.

He sat on a bench in solitude beside a mirror pond. Spring flowers grew inexplicably through a soft blanket of snow and the pretty little blooms dotting the frozen landscape made him think of her. Innocent and small beauty found in an unexpected place. Slowly, the angel drew a photo out of his pocket—he had kept this picture for what seemed forever now. This was her. His reason. His purpose. His love. His everything.

Love and misery welled up inside of him at the sight of her. His thumb traced across her image in hesitant affection. Could he just go find her now and whisk her away somewhere? Run and escape the hell he'd created for himself and the world in general? He was at the point where he couldn't face what he'd done or the coming consequences. As such, he wanted to elude the inevitable completely.

How did this happen to me? To us?

He already knew the answer.

It was me. I did this.

Castiel thought of how he'd taken her memories—it weighed on him without ceasing. He wished he could take that wretched knee-jerk reaction back. It was close to unforgivable—and he knew it.

He had promised never to do that again. He had promised many things.

Heaven help me. What am I becoming?

Lying. Stealing memories. Going behind her back and working with the King of Hell. Letting her think I'm someone else altogether. Promising her my undying devotion, pledging to always be at her side… I'm nothing but a miserable fraud.

He had heard a saying before: 'The truth shall set you free.' But in this case, the truth would condemn him and seal his fate. It would turn the ones he cared about against him. He wanted to believe his actions were justified—because if the things he had done didn't give him victory and didn't prove to be necessary, he would die of shame and guilt.

Please. Let all this be worth it.

Please. Don't let me lose everything. Don't let me lose her.

He thought that he could lose everything else, but if he lost her he wouldn't be able to live.

There was no going back to the way he had been before; he couldn't even conceive of existing without her waiting for him, loving him, needing him, wanting him. The thought of it all ending made him panic and reel from a sick feeling. She had become his home and his heart, his treasure among all creation.

How could I have done this to her?

He was no longer in control or confident of himself. He was ensnared in the web of lies he'd created, he was trapped there beyond rescue. Burying his head in a hand, Cas let out a shuddering breath as anxiety tore him apart. The worst part of all this? Alex still looked to him and trusted him… but he saw how that trust was no longer automatic and intrinsic. She had to make herself trust him now. She knew without knowing that something was happening to him. Slowly, the distance between them was widening. The secrets were eating away at what had once been so strong and pure between them. Could they ever go back to what they had been before?

I only wanted to keep this darkness from her. I only wanted to save her and protect her. But at every turn my efforts do nothing but throw me deeper into the fire. She is further and further out of my reach.

His current emotional distress was so great that it was creating pain in his body all over, but especially in his chest. He wanted to look up to the sky and curse his absent father; he wanted to blame someone or something for what had happened. But he couldn't, because he wasn't that nearsighted or foolish.

I did this. Me. I created this mess.

How do I rewind this hourglass? How can I fix what I've all but ruined? It's all holding together with worn out threads. How much longer can everything keep from crumbling apart?

He thought of what had brought him here to this point in his life, this place of life-or-death consequences and impossible responsibility and dark secrets. He thought of it all and he anguished. He thought he finally understood why angels were forbidden emotions and free will. It was too much. It had led him to a place he didn't know how to get out of.

Cas lifted his head and stared into far distance unseeingly. He thought back to simpler times. When he had been clueless to what was coming for him. When he had been content to be a small footnote in the larger story…

---

Every story has a marked beginning. Mine begins thousands of years ago at the dawn of time itself. I was created, not born; created to be a warrior and messenger of God. My task was to watch over God's children, to carry out the purposes of my father; a father I never knew but always believed in. I was obedient, I was faithful, I never questioned my role or my father. Not until them. A little broken family of three seemingly small and insignificant human beings: two brothers and their sister. This is where my story changes. For the better or worse, I'm not entirely sure. However, I suspect it's for the worse.

The Winchesters taught me about free will and choice, two things that were once foreign concepts to a being like me, an angel of the Lord. I was drawn to this idea of being free to make my own choices, of choosing my own fate—but now I realize freedom is a great and terrible burden. If I knew then what I know now, perhaps I would choose a different path. Perhaps I would take it all back. I don't know.

If you told me a few years ago that I would be in the dilemma I am in now, I doubt I would have believed you. At that time, I couldn't have fathomed that I would be capable of the things I so clearly feel today: remorse, agony, confusion, pain… love. It's difficult to reconcile who I was with who I've become. I'm not sure that I like who I am, honestly.

The centuries I lived through, the wars I saw waged, the rise and fall of kingdoms I've observed... none of it prepared me for being put into the body of a human man, for being thrust into the midst of emotions and feelings and the responsibility of being completely in charge of my own actions. Even after watching humans century after century, I had no idea how to be anything like one. Not at first.

I've tried to make the right choices. I've tried to protect these fleeting and fragile human beings who have become so important to me—especially her, always her—but perhaps I've failed.

And of all the people I've failed, I've failed her the most.

I think of all that's brought me here. Every decision, every moment, every twist and turn of fate. I truly hesitate to use that word: Fate. I used to be a slave to it. Now I fight against it with every ounce of life I possess. I have to, because I refuse to accept the way things are 'supposed' to turn out. Alex with no Heaven, the love between us damning her mortal soul for all eternity, the apocalypse restarting, Lucifer and Michael returning to battle each other and take half of the world with them in the fallout… none of this can happen.

I know that I am fighting for the right things.

But I don't know if I am fighting the right way. How can it be right if I am keeping it a secret?

I don't know anything anymore. The things that I was once certain of no longer feel certain to me at all. The convictions I held are tired and weak, as am I. Where did I go wrong? What decision was the turning point? What was the mistake that set off the chain reaction? I can't pinpoint it. Perhaps my entire existence was some mistake.

Am I the flaw?

You know, I've been here for a very long time. And I remember many things. I remember being at a shoreline, watching a little grey fish heave itself up on the beach and an older brother saying, 'don't step on that fish, Castiel. Big plans for that fish.' I remember the Tower of Babel… all thirty-seven feet of it. I remember Cain and Abel… David and Goliath… Sampson and Delilah… Sodom and Gomorrah. I saw everything. But every part of history is nothing to me compared to the day I first saw her.

I saw her and I knew that she was different. I saw her and I was changed without knowing how or why. I saw her and I belonged to her then and there. Who could have predicted what would unfold between us? Who could have known the heights and depths I would travel to protect and safeguard her? And who could have said how far I would fall in my quest to do the right thing?

I try not to regret this but… how can I be completely glad about what's happened? I've been given great beauty but at such an ugly cost. I've been crowned with love… and yet that crown is tarnished by what I've willfully done. I am an angel who has drifted into the shadowlands. I don't want to pull her down with me; I don't want to wrong her in any way. And I think I have. No. I know I have.

She and I… we ripped up the ending and the rules and destiny… leaving nothing but freedom and choice.

But what if I've made the wrong choice?

Everything happening right now is whispering to me and consuming my mind. I think I made a mistake. But it's too late to go back. Am I doing the right thing? Am I on the right path? I'm afraid of what I'm becoming. I'm afraid of losing everything I hold dear. I'm afraid of what she'll say when she finds out the things I've done, the choices I've made, the mistakes I set into motion. And yet there is no going back from it. I wish I had never done this at all. I fear I've destroyed everything.

The thing that means the most to me in all of existence is a human of twenty-nine years with eyes like a sun-dappled garden. Her skin, her laughter, her love… her fragile and beautiful heart are what I fight for and count as most precious. I used to hope she would understand the unsavory things I've been forced to do. Now… I don't think she will. I've gone too far and done too much and sinned against her in unforgivable ways.

It's so very strange. I know this is wrong, but I deny it even to myself. I fight to believe this is right, that I am right. I'm left to feel as though I'm clinging onto a sinking ship. Even though I have a hold of something, as the waters rise… still I will drown.

---

Castiel straightened up a little from the slouch he was sitting in. He looked at the photo of her that was still in his hand. It trembled slightly and he tried to stiffen himself, be strong and steady. He put the photo back into his pocket and his finger brushed against a small, round metal shape. He faltered as his heart clenched… and then he drew out the silver ring Alex had given to him.

Wherever you go, I will go. Whatever you face, I will face.

For the better or for the worse in all circumstances, I take you as my own. For richer or for poorer. In sickness, and in health. From this day forward and for the rest of my days, I choose you.

Sadness welled up into his eyes and stung them, made him blink as his face contorted.

Do you promise to love, honor, cherish and protect her, putting her above all others in your life?

Yes. That was what he was trying to do. Protect her. Protect the entire world. But he had reached the end of the proverbial rope and he had hardly anything left to give. He crushed the ring in a fist and looked upward, utter despair welling out of him. He couldn't do this alone. He wasn't made for this. He was going to destroy everything.

If he hadn't already.

"You have to tell me," he pleaded out loud, needing the father he had never known, needing someone. His voice broke from emotion. "You have to give me… a sign." He heaved a few unsteady breaths as his eyes searched the silent heavens. "Because if you don't... I'm gonna—I'm gonna do whatever I... whatever I must."

No answer came. No help or rescue. He was alone in this. Swallowing the feeling of despair down as far as he could, Castiel stood up, clenching his ring as if his life depended on it. There was no one to depend on. It was he who had to see this through to the end. It was he who had to save the entire world.

The story had not been written—the last pages had been torn up and thrown away, leaving Castiel to write the ending himself. But his hand was shaking, and the pages meant to bear the story were scattered all across the floor.

---

Three Days Later

Tick tick, tick tick, tick tick. The signal sounded as Dean made a left-hand turn. He glanced over at his passenger seat companion. Alex was slouching and sort of nestled with crossed arms into the corner of the seat and door. She stared ahead into the windshield with a distracted, deeply thoughtful frown on her face. In the dark, passing traffic lights made odd and brightly colored shadows arc across her face in an unpredictable rhythm. She was fiddling constantly with that 'lucky penny' necklace she always wore, rubbing it between two fingers as she stared into nothing.

The silence was killer and took Dean back to the time when it had just been the two of them, when she'd been mute and he'd been able to read her silences like a book, when he'd been able to know how she was feeling without hearing a word from her. This silence was worried. Tense. Upset.

"You hungry?" Dean asked after a couple more sideways glances at her. Her eyes slid toward him fractionally and she gave a half-hearted shrug, seeming completely apathetic to the question. Dean tried again after she made no real response. "I could go for a burger."

There was a low, quiet sigh. She hunkered down even more then gave him a disgruntled little side-eye. "You could always go for a burger." Her complaint made him smile, however bittersweet.

"That's 'cause they're awesome," he replied, but his heart wasn't in the comment. He was pretty emotionally disturbed, too, just like her. Ever since finding out Crowley was alive a few days ago, the world might as well have been turned upside down.

Sam and Bobby were currently interrogating a demon at the Singer residence to try and get answers on if Crowley really were alive or not. Alex and Dean had gone back to Crowley's prison where he'd set up shop months ago. There they'd looked at the place where Crowley supposedly died, hunting for clues or signs of foul play or trickery. They found nothing conclusive either way. It had basically been a waste of time. But… at least it had separated the twins. After that blowup back in Merritt, Sam had clamped his mouth shut and done his whole quiet anger routine while Alex had gone to giving Sam the evil eye and the silent treatment. It was ridiculous… they were pains in the ass to be around even when they were fighting without words. It drove Dean nuts. The current situation reminded him of their later teenage years when Sam would get prim and act like he was above his own family and then Alex would get passive aggressive and do things to purposefully piss her twin off.

It was that same old story all over again, but this time Sam was just being weird. There was no telling what had set him off this time. Probably something dumb. Hopefully the two days apart from each other would do the trick. It better, or Dean was gonna shoot himself in the head. He couldn't deal with their petty crap on top of everything else. Whatever. He'd cross that bridge when he got to it. He cleared his throat and glanced at his sister again. Food was on his mind and he decided he'd see if she cared which burger chain they ended up going to—he knew she had to be hungry, she hadn't eaten since breakfast. "So do you care where?"

She opened her mouth to answer. But she never replied.

"Hello Alex. Dean."

They both jumped at the unexpected voice. Behind them in the center of the back seat Cas sat there quietly with a serious, squinty expression on his face.

"Geez," Dean exclaimed, then slapped a hand down on the wheel to channel his startled reaction. He glanced into the rear view with an irked expression as Alex gaped at Cas in surprise.

He looked at her first then glanced at Dean. His expression seemed measured and careful. "How are you both?" he asked.

Dean and Alex exchanged a brief, terse glance. They had already talked about this. If Cas showed up, they were gonna keep him out of the loop. Just for a little while. Alex of course had hated that idea and Dean didn't blame her. But… safe side. As such, Dean put on a tight little smile and tried not to look suspicious. He really hadn't expected to see Cas, so he was a little thrown off. Either way, he managed not to look too jarred. "Yeah, I'm... we're fine," he said, answering for both of them. "We're good." He looked at Cas thoroughly in the rear view mirror. "How are you?"

That question made Cas's expression waver. "I'm…" the angel trailed off and shook his head once, letting his eyes squint again into an unreadable expression. "I just wanted to check in."

Alex had turned halfway in her seat and looked at Cas a bit longer with her eyes flickering around his face in tense curiosity. "How'd you know where we were?" she asked cautiously. Dean frowned a little. How did Cas know right where they were?

Cas's face showed slight surprise, like he hadn't expected that to be asked of him. "Oh. Uh, ever since the soul touch I can… I can sense your location. I'm… not sure why." He glanced at Dean meekly, already knowing the older brother's reaction would be negative.

Alex's eyebrows raised slightly and she seemed unsure of how to take the news. She glanced at Dean too before returning her attention to Cas. "You… never told me that."

The angel was a little chagrined as he nodded his agreement with her statement. "It… slipped my mind."

"You can sense her," Dean repeated, interrupting the intense gaze between Alex and Cas. He made a slight face, trying to get a read on how his sister felt about that little factoid. He couldn't tell. He knew how he felt though. "That's… uh… creepy." He made a soft little air-laugh then thought better of commenting on that any further. He cleared his throat and decided to bite the bullet. Real casual, he asked about Crowley. "So, any word on, uh, Satan Junior being alive?"

Cas shook his head and his voice both deepened and sharpened. "I'm... looking, believe me," he said, glancing out of the window briefly in what appeared to be grim thought. "I just don't understand how Crowley could've tricked me."

"The same way he tricked me," Alex replied immediately, passionately. "He's good at that." Cas met her gaze with hesitant eyes.

"Yeah," Dean agreed somberly, eyes on the road ahead. "Can't trust that dick as far as you can throw him. I tell you what, if he is up and kicking, then what does matter is finding him, ripping his head off, and shoving it up his ass."

Bleak, Cas nodded once, eyes downcast. "I agree." He looked at Alex and Dean again, his hooded gaze alternating between them. "What about you? Have you found anything?"

Alex looked at Dean and a faint instance of her anger showed. You lie to him, 'cause I'm not gonna, her gaze seemed to suggest. So, Dean did. "Nah, nothing yet. And uh, you know, we got other stuff on our plate anyway." Cas's eyes crimped slightly. "You know," Dean explained, a little uncomfortable with lying to his friend's face. "Saving people. Hunting things. The family business. Or whatever." He switched hands on the wheel, giving the effect of nonchalance. "We'll figure out the Crowley crap later. Eve was probably lying, anyway."

"Yes," Cas agreed glumly. "Hopefully she was lying." He frowned a bit deeper then, glancing around the car. "Where's Sam?"

"Keeping busy," Dean replied, another lie rolling off his tongue automatically. "Tracking a Djinn in Omaha as we speak. Me 'n Al are heading out there right now to meet up with him." Total BS, of course.

Cas frowned slightly, curious. "He's on a hunt alone?"

"Nah," Dean replied, making himself sound slightly disinterested for effect. "Bobby's with him." That, at least, was true.

"Oh." Cas heaved a regretful breath and glanced out the window again, seeming cagey. "Well… I'd come if I could," he said, then fixed Alex with his most soulfully anxious look. His voice lowered, indicating that what he said next was especially meant for her. "Please be careful, will you?"

She smiled a little, obviously very enamored despite her emotional turmoil. "Yeah."

Overly touchy-feely earnest, Cas address Alex again. "I'm sorry I can't be with you."

Sensing that the angel was about to vamoose, Dean turned a little, looking at Cas in the eye briefly in between driving. "And Cas, you'll call, right?" he asked. He was worried about Cas, like really worried. The guy was in over his head and clearly stressed to hell and back. "If you get into any real trouble?"

Cas nodded at Dean, then looked at Alex again, then reached up and laid his hand onto hers where it rested on the back of the seat. His gentle touch and hesitant, imploring gaze made Dean roll his eyes and look away. "Until we meet again," Cas told Alex quietly. And then he was gone.

Uncomfortable, Dean scoffed. "What century is this?" he asked sarcastically. "'Until we meet again'?"

As she turned around to sit right in her seat again, Alex gave him a look that said her next words for her. "Shut up."

They were quiet for a minute then Dean decided he had to say what he thought. "You know… hate to say it, but he is acting sorta guilty."

Immediately, Alex was denying it. "No he's not," she said, seeming indignant and a little overly defensive all at once.

"You seriously think that's normal behavior?" Dean challenged. "He's being weird as fuck."

Alex couldn't find an immediate response. "Look. He's under a lot of pressure. He's…" she wet her lips, appearing to grasp at straws. "He's been stressed out for a really long time. That's all it is." Did she really believe that? He couldn't quite tell. But she was definitely worried about Cas too.

Dean shrugged his head to the side briefly and let out a soft breath. "Hope so," he said under his breath. She probably knew Cas the best out of anyone else, so he did have to take that into consideration. Time would tell what the hell was going on either way. Thinking back over the conversation again, Dean kept going back to one thing. "So he can sense you." He wasn't sure if he should be backing away slowly or laughing. He settled on chuckling sort of uneasily. "That's just… all kinds of Twilight creepy."

His comment caught her off guard. Alex made a face and attempted to scoff away a smile as she looked at him weirdly. "Did you actually watch those movies, Dean?" she asked. "You sure know a lot about the plot for a guy who claims to hate that franchise…"

"Uh… Lisa made me do it," Dean said, not sure why he bothered with trying to excuse away the truth. His sister knew better than most that he loved trashy melodrama and sappy soap opera romance and bad daytime TV. Grinning through his self-consciousness and the realization that he was extremely laughable as a human being, Dean threw a glance at his sister, then his face fell slowly. She was staring hard into the dashboard and messing with her penny necklace thing again. "…What?" Dean asked intently, recognizing her distress and foul, stewing mood.

She shook her head and set her jaw. "I don't like lying to Cas," she said lowly. "Sam and Bobby are way off about this." She tossed a hand out for emphasis to show how irked it got her. "I mean, the idea of Cas working with Crowley is so ridiculous that it makes me mad they even thought of it."

Dean nodded tensely. "I know."

"Really?" she asked, finally looking from the dash to him. "Then why are you going along with the duping-Cas-into-thinking-we're-not-hunting-Crowley-down thing?"

Not in the mood for a fight, Dean gave her a calm down side glance. "Just to be on the safe side, okay? I don't like it either. Trust me. He's the good guy here, I know that." Or he was ninety-eight percent sure, at least.

"If you 'know that' you wouldn't lie to him," Alex retorted.

Dean huffed and tightened his grip on the wheel. The road ahead was dark and he turned on the car's high beams. "Look. We're gonna figure out how Crowley tricked him and then go from there, all right?" Dean waited expectantly for her response. "This is just how it is for now, okay? I told you. I don't like this either. Believe me."

Alex let out a charged breath and rubbed fingertips against her forehead. She was the picture of harrowed. "Okay." She seemed to steel herself and she nodded, a little more forceful when she spoke this time. "Yeah. Fine, okay." A couple beats of silence passed and Alex studied Dean hesitantly. Her expression was becoming shrewd and much calmer as she accepted things for the time being. "Can I ask you something?"

Dean glanced sidelong, curious. "'Course."

She wasn't timid about her question, but she wasn't confident, either. "It's just, I'm kinda surprised you're the one who's on my side about trusting Cas," Alex said slowly, obviously trying to figure it out as she talked about it. "I mean… you don't even like him half the time."

Dean made a face at her. "Okay, one? That's not a question. Two… I like Cas fine." At the look on his sister's face at that comment, Dean gave a slightly sarcastic huff of air. Talking about this felt as natural and pleasant as pulling teeth out. "Okay, sure, he's… weird and nerdy and uncool as crap, and too old for you by a couple zillion years but… out of everyone else on this godforsaken world... he's stuck by us time after time." All Dean could do was shrug resigned defeat. "In my book, that makes him a decent guy." More than decent, honestly, but Dean didn't like to admit that. He still wasn't completely on-board for Cas and Alex as a couple, but he was on the road to acceptance (or maybe just the road to admitting defeat).

But he meant what he said. After such a long life where almost everyone died bloody or turned out to be a bad guy… Cas was an exception to the rule. One of the small few. And sure, there had been a couple irrational moments when in a heated brother-rage Dean had tried to say all of it was Cas trying to get at Alex… but he knew that wasn't the case. Cas was just… good. Somehow the dude had become a fixture in their life without Dean even realizing. Like family, almost. Dean didn't really know how Sam and Bobby could be so readily doubtful. He got that it was hard to trust people in this life but this was Cas. And Crowley was a damn tricky son of a gun. Just because Cas got something wrong didn't mean he was automatically the bad guy. Right?

In deep thought at Dean's reply, Alex was staring off and rubbing that damn penny in between her fingers again. Abruptly annoyed by the tic, Dean frowned a little. "Cut that out, would you?" She used to constantly mess with her whistle necklace as well, and the constant fidgeting had driven him crazy then too. Alex quit, seeming a little surprised at herself, like she hadn't known what she was doing. "You ever gonna tell me the story behind that thing?" He'd asked about it a couple times before and she'd always said it was dumb, not to worry about it.

With an odd expression on her face, Alex faltered. "Uh… got it out of a gas station change jar," she said, shrugging and rubbing her neck as she looked off. "Scratched off a lottery card and won a few hundred with it. Lucky penny."

Dean cut a sidelong studious look at his sister. "Uh huh." He was slightly skeptical, but also not interested enough to ask more.

Alex suddenly jerked her thumb at the window and looked over her shoulder then looked at Dean questioningly. "…Burgers?"

Dean realized he'd just driven right past a place with a drive-thru. "Oh yeah," he said, a bit sheepish. "Forgot."

That earned him a you've lost your mind look from his sister. "You forgot about burgers? Someone alert the media."

Dean shook his head as he grinned in reluctance as he slowed down to turn the car around. "Shuddup."

---

Castiel left Dean and Alex and went to the old asylum Crowley had taken up residence in recently. With every step that Cas took into the room where he knew the demon would wait, guilt bore down more heavily on him. The only thing that made it possible for him to do this was the knowledge that what he had started he had to finish. It had taken him three days to work up the courage to face the Winchesters, and now that he had done that, it was time to confront Crowley as well.

The King of Hell glanced up in disinterest at Cas's entrance. He was wearing a bloody white apron as he prodded at Eve's corpse on the table. "Howdy, partner."

In no mood for the King of Hell's jokes, Cas was to-the-point and gruff. "What have you found?"

Crowley arched a challenging eyebrow at the angel. "Oh so now you've got time to talk to me?" he asked, then drew back and wiped his bloody hands on his apron as he smiled thinly and picked up a long knife from the table. He examined the knife thoughtfully. "Well. She's dead as a tinned kipper and so's her brain. Shame, isn't it?" He looked down at Eve's body and he pulled a wistful face as Cas approached and looked, too. "This lovely little corpse right here was our way to open the door to Purgatory…" Crowley suddenly flew into a fit of rage. "When she was still alive!" He stabbed the knife down into her chest for effect as he shouted at Cas. "Single best chance to get over the rainbow, and you let the Winchesters kill her!"

Cas looked at Crowley darkly. "It was unavoidable."

"You screwed up, choirboy!" Crowley retorted immediately. He yanked out the bloody knife and waved it around as he talked, which was disconcerting. "You let the hounds mangle the pheasant, and now I am up to my elbows in it." He lowered his voice and waggled the knife at Castiel, who was becoming angry at the constant down-talking. "You're distracted, you're emotional, you're falling apart and now we're paying the price."

Castiel met Crowley's animosity blow for blow, letting his face twist up as he spoke slowly and deeply, daring the demon to anger him further. "I am holding up my end."

There was an almost sneering pause. "But is that all you're holding?" Cas's eyes narrowed in confusion. "See… the stench of that Impala's all over your overcoat, Angel. I thought we'd agreed—no more nights out with the boys, no more visits to the desperate housewife."

Bristling at the demon's audacity, Castiel was curt. "We agreed on no such thing," he spat. "You don't have reign over the places I choose to go." Defensive over his own actions even though he felt no need to explain himself, he still did. "I spoke with Dean and Alex. I needed to know what they know."

"About what?" Crowley asked, playing the fool. "About me, maybe?" His volume suddenly rocketed to full blast. "'Cause I happen to have it on good authority that your little pets are currently trying to hunt me down!"

Cas faltered. He didn't understand. "But they said…"

"Oh, did they?" Crowley asked mockingly, enjoying Cas's confusion. "They lied, sweetcheeks." He was wry and cynical. "Ironic, isn't it? Now, forgive me, but I think you might have a little conflict of interest here."

Realizing he was right, Castiel was alarmed. "They won't find you," he insisted, because he would make sure of it. If the Winchesters found Crowley, he had no doubt that the King of Hell wouldn't hesitate to harm them.

"Oh, really?" Crowley scoffed. "And you're going to make sure of that?"

Cas tightened his jaw. "Yes."

"Please," Crowley muttered. "You're too busy making googly eyes at the pretty one to even know what's going on half the time. She's why Eve's dead, I'm willing to bet."

Unwilling to continue discussing Alex with the King of Hell, Cas tried to change the subject. "What do you propose, Crowley?" he asked in a hard, impatient voice.

Crowley's suggested it immediately, with an almost innocent look on his face. "Kill them."

Shocked, Castiel's eyebrows slammed together. "Kill my wife and her family?" he asked, then stepped closer to Crowley so that they were almost nose-to-nose. "Suggest such absurdity again and I'll kill you."

Crowley rolled his eyes and waved a hand as he stepped away. "Oh they don't have to stay dead. Just, six feet under 'til we're set here."

"What did I just say to you?" Castiel asked, and he was serious. He was so mentally frayed that it wouldn't take much to send him into full-on madness. "I have them handled. Don't worry about them."

Genuine disgruntlement showed on the demon's face. "Don't worry about—?" he began, taken aback. "What, like Lucifer didn't worry? Or Michael? Or Lilith or Alastair or Azazel or Daniel didn't worry?!" Red in the face, spittle flew as Crowley raged. "Am I the only game piece on the board who doesn't underestimate those denim-wrapped nightmares?!"

This was dangerous ground. Crowley was right. The Winchester family could pose a huge threat to Crowley if they found him. Which they couldn't. Wouldn't. At all costs, Castiel had to keep them separated now. Another impossible task, another responsibility he couldn't fathom. He had too many things to do as it was. Internally, he wanted to run away. "Just find Purgatory," he snapped at the demon. "I don't care how. And stay away from my family."

Crowley did a double take. "Your family?" He began to chuckle, a sound that grated on Castiel's every last nerve. "Oh Angel, you're barking mad." Crowley was triumphant now and swaggered toward the angel slowly. "They never saw you as one of their own, not really. And when they find out all the seedy little things you've done in the dark… believe you me, it's all over." He smirked smugly and purred, his voice a soft and silky midnight. "Might want to treat your faithful partner a little better since I'm the only one who'll be left when the curtain's close."

Cas's eyes narrowed malevolently. "You assume too much," he muttered.

Crowley smiled wanly. "And you're delusional."

The angel disappeared and Crowley huffed, rolling his eyes. "Yes, lovely to see you too. Until next time. Blimey."

---

Sioux Falls, South Dakota
A Couple Hours Later

When Dean and Alex finally made it back to Bobby's, it was well into the early hours of the morning. Tired from driving and discouraged overall, they entered a darkened house through the backdoor in the kitchen. In the study, a demon was chained up and bleeding and Bobby was standing over him with the demon blade. Sam came into the kitchen to greet Dean, who set down his duffel bag onto the floor.

"Hey," Dean acknowledged.

Sam glanced at their departing sister—she hadn't stopped walking, just threw a brief glance at Sam before she went down the hall and clomped up the steps while shouldering her duffel. Dean knew she was ready to sleep. So was he. Sam looked tired, too. "Hey."

Nodding toward the demon in the study, Dean crossed his arms. He'd sleep when he was dead. "He talking?"

"Keeps saying Crowley's gone," Sam replied with a weary shrug. "Won't say anything else. Pretty damn sure he's lying."

Dean gave his brother a look. "No duh. He's a demon." Sam made a face at the needless comment but Dean was already moving on. "So. Guess who popped in on me and Al a couple hours back?"

Sam's eyebrows rose up. Intuitive, he already knew. And he sounded immediately worried. His voice dropped conspiratorially. "What'd you tell him?"

"What's the ruckus?" Bobby asked, approaching from the study.

"No big deal," Dean said. He was irritated, still unable to believe they were treating Cas like the suspect in all this. "He just showed up in the car awhile ago wanting to know how we were doing."

"And you told him what?" Bobby asked intently.

Under the scrutiny of both their gazes, Dean threw his hands up briefly. "Nothing, all right? Told him we were on some crap monster hunt. He doesn't know that we're getting close to Crowley." He really didn't get how these two were so damn suspicious. Was he nuts, or were they? "You know, he's our friend," Dean reminded them unhappily, "and we are lying to him through our teeth."

"Dean—" Sam started.

"So he burned the wrong bones!" Dean said, cutting off whatever his brother had been about to say. "So Crowley tricked him."

"He's an angel," Bobby protested, like that simple fact made Cas guilty.

"He is the Balki Bartokomous of Heaven!" Dean retorted vehemently, trying to keep his voice down so Alex wouldn't get wind of the argument and get upset again. "He can make a mistake—he's not omniscient! Never has been!"

Bobby was firm. "Look, nobody's saying nothing yet."

Slightly indignant, Dean fixed him with a challenging look. "Aren't you?" He looked at Sam, then Bobby, and his anger made his face made him insolent. "You think that Cas is in with Crowley." His face twisted. "Crowley, guys?"

"Look, I'm just saying I don't know," Bobby said. Dean felt like he was being slapped in the face. "Now, look, I hate myself for even thinking it," Bobby continued. "But I don't know. All signs point to a place I know we don't wanna look, but we gotta."

Sam finally spoke up. "Look, Dean, he's our friend, too, okay?" There it was again… that brief, derisive expression flickering across his face that he attempted to stifle. "Yeah, I got a couple bones to pick with him and I can't say he's on my best side right now but…" Sam shook his head, staring hard into the space near Dean's shoulder for a minute. He had a grimacing little expression on his face. "I don't want this to be true, okay?" He looked at Dean in the eye. "I'm praying we're wrong here."

"But if we ain't…" Bobby said, "If there's a snowball of a snowball's chance here… that means we're dealing with a Superman who's gone dark side, a Superman who has his sights set on some pretty precious cargo."

Dean withered. He meant Alex, and Sam immediately knew what Bobby meant too. Sam's expression darkened and tightened and Dean felt sick, like all his worst fears might possibly be realized if Bobby were right. "Which means we've got to be cautious," the older hunter continued furtively, leaning in toward the boys, "we got to be smart, and maybe stock up on some Kryptonite."

"Kryptonite?" The men turned, startled at her voice. Alex stood behind them with a hurt expression on her face. "Are you serious?" She was looking at all of them like she'd been betrayed. Caught, the men said nothing, just stood there underneath her disbelieving stare. "This is crazy! How can you even think this about him?" she asked. "For one goddamn second? This is Cas! Why would he ever partner up with Crowley?" She got no answer, just silent reluctance. "He wouldn't," she insisted tremulously. "We don't even know if Crowley's still alive or not yet!"

"Well we're gonna find out," Sam said, and he wasn't very sympathetic. "And all signs point to yes."

Stumped, Alex looked at her twin pleadingly. "…Do you want him to be the bad guy?"

"No." Sam's jaw tightened and he looked down. "Of course not."

Alex looked like she was thinking yeah right to the hundredth power.

"Look, one problem at a time here," Bobby said, addressing all of them. "We got to find Crowley now, before the damn fool cracks open Purgatory." Gently, he took Alex by the side of the shoulder. "The big bads are all still being hunted and disappearin'… and it's not us doin' the hunting. It's these demon hunters we've been hearin' about. Hate to say it, kiddo, but I think Crowley's still kickin'."

Alex's jaw tightened and she had the look of apprehensive confusion about her. She tried to appear solid and sure despite her obvious misgivings. "Maybe he is," she said stiffly. "But that doesn't mean Cas is involved." She pulled away from Bobby and retreated into the kitchen. "I won't believe that crap until he says it to me his damn self."

Invisible to everyone, hiding like the coward he knew he was, Castiel watched as Sam and Bobby returned to torturing the demon. Dean stood in the middle—halfway between them and Alex, who was biting a thumbnail and leaning her back against the kitchen counter, staring into nothing tensely.

Cas was guilty beyond belief as Dean visibly tried with every he had to remain loyal. The worst part was how Alex defended him at every turn and resisted believing that Cas could be involved.

A few moments later when the demon Bobby was torturing told them about Ellsworth… the demon in charge of all of Crowley's demon hunters… Castiel was forced to go there to cover his tracks and protect the Winchesters from finding evidence of Crowley's survival. Even as he smote those demons and then destroyed all the evidence that would lead them to Crowley, Castiel despaired at himself.

---

The Next Day

Alex poked around in the desk at the head of the house. Dean was looking at the living room in faint curiosity, opening drawers and looking behind furniture. Alex opened yet another desk drawer which only had a few pens and a stapler in it. She shut the drawer and looked over the phones lining the desk. None of them even had fingerprints on them. This was weird.

"Anything?" her brother asked, glancing over from where he was looking under couch cushions lackadaisically.

Alex shrugged and shook her head. "Nothing. At all. Looks like someone cleaned house and bugged out."

"Crowley maybe," Dean supposed out loud, walking over to her with his shotgun in hand. "Or Red got a tip in somehow."

"But demons don't run and hide," Alex said, coming out from behind the desk. "They're all cocky bastards looking for a fight."

Dean made a face. "Don't I know it."

The demon they had been interrogating last night cracked and gave them this address and said this was the 'dispatcher's' headquarters. Apparently, if Crowley were alive, this Ellsworth guy would have known. Trouble was… this house was pretty much empty and void of anything. A dead end.

From behind them and to the side, Sam approached out of a bedroom door. "Hey." He had his sawed-off casually propped over his shoulder and his face said he was feeling kind of clueless. "Place is clean."

Bobby shuffled in from the kitchen, eyeing the place suspiciously. "Yeah, but it's like 'Mr. Clean' clean, you know?" he asked, wrinkling his nose. "It's kind of OCD for your average demon." He nodded at the desk. "Find anything there?"

Sarcastic to the end, Alex smiled wanly. "Well if you guys need new pens we're all set."

"Mm." Bobby seemed over the entire thing. "Great."

"So what now?" Sam asked, casting around for ideas.

"We'd call Cas," Dean said quietly. The mood immediately shifted. Sam's eyebrows rose and Bobby's eyes narrowed. Dean stood his ground, obviously sad that he had to. "This is usually the point where we would call Cas for help."

Bobby wouldn't budge. "We talked about this," he said, his tone slightly pointed.

"Yeah, Dean," Sam agreed, seeming mildly fed up with his brother.

"No, you talked. We listened." Dean glanced at Alex then laid it all on the line, but he was so tired that he couldn't summon angry fire. Instead, he sounded grieved. "This is Cas, guys. I mean, when there was no one… and we were stuck—and I mean really stuck—he broke ranks. He has gone to the mat cut and bleeding for us so many freakin' times." His voice took on a certain note of beseeching that really got Sam and Bobby's attention. "He gave Alex her friggin' voice out of the goodness of his own little winged heart, he went against all of Heaven just to give us a chance at Lucifer. This is Cas! Don't we owe him the benefit of the doubt at least?"

Bobby and Sam were silent and Dean was taken aback in disbelief that they still would doubt. Alex was too. "What am I missing here?" she asked, heartbroken. "Cas wouldn't ever do anything to betray us. He thinks of us as his family. Guys, he's died for us—more than once. Am I really the only one who remembers that?"

Sam's mouth was in a thin line. "Look, you're too close to the situation to have an unbiased opinion on it, okay?"

"He's a person, not a situation!" Alex burst out. "And you know what, it's because I'm close to him that I know we can trust him!" She wet her lips and used her hands, frustration making her get louder. "Why would he ever work with a demon? Why?! Ask yourselves that, really ask yourselves that. Think about all he's done for us and ask why he would work for or with Crowley—" her voice broke like a teenage boy's briefly as she threw her hands up. "He wouldn't!"

Sam and Bobby exchanged a brief, hooded look. Reluctant but also appearing vaguely convicted, Sam decided to give it a shot. "All right," he said, letting out a long, heavy puff of air. "Benefit of the doubt." He shrugged his mouth up then squeezed his eyes shut. "Castiel… this is really important, okay? Um… we really need to talk to you." He let an eye pop open and he looked around, then opened his other eye. No one had appeared.

A little louder than Sam had been, Dean tried too. "Castiel… come on in."

When no one appeared, the men looked at Alex. Put on the spot, she tried not to let her sudden jump in anxiety show. She gave it a shot too but more timidly because she was afraid he wouldn't answer her either. "Cas? You there?"

Silence. Nothing. No one.

They all looked around, but Cas didn't come. At the disturbing lack of answer, Dean visibly appeared a little shaken. "…Must be busy."

"That's all right. We are, too." Sam clapped Dean on the shoulder a couple times in a reassuring it'll get better gesture. "Come on." He headed for the front door.

"Back to square one," Bobby said tiredly as Dean walked off a few steps.

"Great," Dean said, turning around and throwing his arms out wide. "What's that mean?"

"Well, we caught one hunter demon before," Bobby muttered. "We can do it again."

Sam turned around at the door, then suddenly went ramrod straight. "Dean!" His shouted warning was one second too late. Blindsided, Dean was tackled to the floor even as Alex was grabbed from behind and thrown sideways into the wall. The glass doors to the kitchen shattered as Bobby was pitched into them like a soccer ball. A table broke as Sam was body-slammed down into the center of it back-first, and Alex found a demon crouched over her as she laid on the floor groaning from a shock of sudden pain. "Don't worry, princess," the demon sneered, holding onto her by a fistful of her jacket. "You get to stay alive but can't say the same for your—"

He never finished his sentence. He was torn off of her like a ragdoll and slammed to the adjacent ground. Wood splintered as the floor cracked underneath the brutal force and speed of the attack. Castiel clapped his hand down onto the shocked demon's forehead and the adversary screamed as white-hot light burned him to death from the inside out in the span of two seconds.

Stunned and pushing herself up on her elbows, Alex watched Castiel unleash destruction onto the demons who had ambushed them—first the angel pulled one off Dean and killed that demon with a touch, tossing him aside dead even as he ported with a blast of wind across the room to save Bobby—three seconds later he was yanking the demon off of Sam and shoving him against a wall. When he let go, the demon fell over dead and Cas turned around, a little riled up emotionally by the looks of it. After the briefest pause he strode right past a dumbfounded Dean and a slowly-rising Sam.

Cas came to Alex and dropped to her side, taking hold of her with hands that had just brutally ended demons, and he was gentle. He carefully helped her stand stand while looking her over for injuries anxiously. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah," she said, so relieved to see him. She brushed her hand against the side of his face, convinced yet again of his goodness. "I am now." She leaned forward and went onto tiptoes, hugging his neck briefly and tightly. Her rock, her anchor, the absolute love of her life… Castiel was everything to her and thinking that made her hold him even tighter and closer. He hugged her back hesitantly, then fully, and for a second, everything was completely okay for her right there in his arms. When Alex she opened her eyes and looked over Cas's shoulder, she saw how Dean spat out a mouthful of blood. But he was chuckling.

"Better late than never, huh?" He walked over as Cas and Alex pulled out of the embrace. "Really good to see you, Cas."

Cas looked them over—Bobby was stumbling in from the kitchen, shaken up but otherwise fine. "Are all of you all right?" the angel asked somberly, his face scrunched into that familiar concerned frown.

"Yeah," Sam panted, a hand on his lower back as he slowly made his way to where everyone else was gathering. "I'd say so. Perfect timing, Cas."

Dean bared his teeth at Alex questioningly, pointing at his mouth. Knowing the drill Alex grabbed his chin and peered at his teeth, then let go and shook her head no. He still had all of his them. He closed his mouth and made a hmm sound, tonguing his teeth in his mouth like he didn't completely believe her. Alex looked at Sam, who'd gotten thrown onto his back hard. He was still grimacing from pain.

"You sure you're okay?" Alex asked, temporarily forgetting everything the still-unexplained brother-sister spat they had both been in for the past few days.

"Yeah," Sam said, stifling a clearly pained look. Alex touched his upper arm and gave him a little hesitant expression that was almost a smile, but more of a silent can we just be friends again please? Whenever he got hurt she lost the ability to care about whatever drama was between them at the moment. Sam seemed to share the sentiment—he pulled her to his side with one arm in a brief hug that was long overdue. She hugged his middle briefly and he kissed the top of her head then let go after squeezing her shoulder.

"I'm—I'm glad I found you when I did," Cas said. He looked almost contrite as he looked over the shaken hunters.

"Yeah," Bobby said, chuckling a little. "So're we."

Cas glanced at him guardedly before looking at Dean. "I come with news."

"Yeah?" Dean asked, getting interested. "What?"

Cas was somber and dead serious. "I… firmly believe Crowley is alive."

Dean's face relaxed into a little grin. "Yeah. You think, Kojak?" He looked back at Bobby, who was adjusting his cap. "Well, Bobby, what do we think about Cas saving our asses… again?"

A sheepish little smile was on the older hunter's grizzled face. "I think we owe you an apology."

Cas looked puzzled and he looked between the men questioningly. "…Why?"

"We've… been hunting Crowley and keeping it from you," Sam said. He sounded sincerely apologetic and genuine, even a little embarrassed.

Cas's frown deepened and Bobby explained. "We thought… you were working with him."

Well, not all of us—but Alex didn't think shouting 'hey, Dean and I believed in you and these suckers didn't!' would be very polite. She'd tell him later. It would still be kind of awful for him to think that she had doubted him too, though. Cas frowned even more, seeming surprised and mildly betrayed. "You thought what?" Oddly, he didn't look at Alex—he looked at everyone else.

"I know," Dean said, chuckling faintly. "It's crazy, right?"

Bobby tried to explain. "It's just that you torched the wrong bones and… ah. It doesn't matter. We were wrong."

Cas hesitated then walked forward a little to be closer to everyone, sighing softly. "You know… you could've just asked me." He still didn't look at Alex, who was currently standing between her brothers.

"We should have," Dean said, speaking mostly for Bobby and Sam but maybe speaking for himself, too. "We never should've doubted you. It's... I just hope you can forgive us."

Castiel appeared to be surprised at the request for forgiveness, then he thought deeply for a moment, looking down. A soft little smile pulled at his lips and he nodded as he looked at everyone in turn. "It's forgotten."

Dean was immensely relieved. "Thanks."

"Yeah," Sam echoed, appearing to have realized the error of his ways completely. "Thanks, Cas."

"It is a little absurd, though," Cas said, smiling ruefully.

"I know, I know," Bobby mumbled, sighing softly.

And then Cas said something he shouldn't have known at all. He said it in an odd voice, as if he were imitating someone. "'Superman, going to the dark side.'" He smiled a little bigger, seeming genuinely relieved. "I'm still just Castiel."

…What?

Alarm bells began to blare in Alex's mind. Staring at him with a falling face and a horrifying sense of dismay, she tried to find a reason why Cas would know that. Bobby had said that about him last night in private. The only way Cas would know that was if… if he'd been watching them without their knowledge.

At Cas's verbal slip, Dean's smile held, but it wasn't real anymore. "I guess we can put away the Kryptonite, right?" he asked carefully.

There was a nod and the smile remained. "Exactly." Sam and Bobby's expressions had frozen, too. They had all realized at the same time what Alex and Dean had. Cas finally looked at Alex, and that soft, sad smile reaching his eyes. Underneath his gaze, she struggled not to show how shocked she was. "I'm very glad you defended and believed in me, Alex."

Oh my god. They hadn't told him that either. For all he knew, she had doubted him along with everyone else. And internally as everything fell apart, she struggled to smile and nod. "Yeah," she managed even as she realized that this was very bad. On either side of her, she could feel how her brothers had gone stiff and inched just fractionally closer. Don't let him know that we know. "Yeah, of course I did, Cas," she said, forcing a smile. "You know me." The smile felt more like a grimace and she wanted to be sick. What did this mean? It felt like her world was disintegrating, like everything she'd ever believed in and loved wasn't real.

Cas's frown was back and he looked at her in concern, obviously seeing something was the matter with her. "Alex, what is it?"

Shit. "Um… my—my stomach hurts," she quickly lied, then forced a nervous little laugh that sounded more like a snivel. "Too much coffee earlier." She backed up a little, trying to find an excuse, trying to get away from him because she was so freaked out. "I just, I just need to sit down."

She went to the couch that was a few steps off and sank down onto it in a daze. Her blood pressure had dropped leaving her feeling woozy and almost in mild physical shock. Sam went with her and sat near her protectively, watchful of Cas, and she recognized that look on her brother's face. It was the one he wore when he thought shit was about to go down. Dean remained standing, and he was between Cas and Alex now, but Cas didn't realize that was what was happening.

"Can you get her some medicine?" Cas asked, peering at Alex in supreme concern. "Do you think the demon attack gave her a concussion? I can examine her and see if—"

"Nah, Cas, she's fine," Dean said, stopping Cas in his tracks lightly with an arm. Cas was surprised at being halted and Dean tried to explain it away as he forced a chuckle. "We'll, uh, we'll get her some medicine. But she probably just needs some air. Some space. It's just an upset stomach." He didn't move, and he kept his arm out, blocking Cas's way.

"Of course," Cas said. He relented uncertainly from his mission to go to Alex and stood there with a confused frown on his face.

"Don't worry, Cas, we got her," Sam said, and a believable smile was on his face. He patted his sister on the shoulder.

Cas seemed a little suspicious about what was actually going on but perhaps in his own mission to avoid being discovered as a liar, he didn't push the issue. "All right. Well, if… if you don't need me any further, I have some business to attend to." He paused questioningly and fixed Alex with a sympathetic gaze. "I'll try and come later." With that, he disappeared.

The house was left in a shocked silence.

"Oh my god," Alex whispered, looking at Sam first then Dean. Please, someone tell me what the hell that meant!

Bobby spoke up first, and he didn't sound too happy. "You three thinkin' what I am?"

"He's been watching us," Sam said, his voice dark and hard and even a little scared.

Alex shook her head slowly, in a fog of confusion. "W-why would he do that?"

"I think you know why," Bobby replied somberly, shaking his head in what appeared to be dismay. "I think we all do."

"But—no," Alex protested. "No, there's another explanation. There's got to be another explanation!"

Bobby shook his head and looked at her like he was sorry to break the news but he had no choice in the matter. "Al, honey… I don't think there is."

But… no. There had to be! Why the hell would Cas ever work with Crowley? Why would he try and keep them from finding the demon? Why would he spy on them? Her mind spun out of control and she barely noticed when Sam stood up from where he'd been sitting beside her. "We still got some holy oil in the trunk?"

Dumbfounded, Dean was slow to reply to his brother. "Wh—yeah…"

Seeing where this was going, Alex suddenly stood up too with wide eyes. "Guys—!" she protested.

"Alex, we are not risking our asses on this," Sam said, and he was urgent, decisive, assertive. "We interrogate him where he can't run away or hurt us. We're gonna get some damn answers."

"Hurt us—?" Alex asked, zoning in on that comment and balking completely. "He would never…!"

"We don't know what Cas would and wouldn't do," Sam replied vehemently. "He might be watching us right now!"

That sent another horrible silence over the little group of four hunters. "I can't believe this," Dean mumbled blankly, shaking his head slowly and looking around the house with a hollow expression as he rubbed the back of his head. Finally, he seemed to decide he was going to go along with his brother's suggestion. "But just how the hell are we gonna get him into the circle?"

Sam looked at their sister and his jaw tightened. "Her."

---

Even as the Winchesters conspired to trap an unwitting and unaware Cas, the angel stormed into Crowley's compound like a tornado. The doors to the main room slammed open from the force of his anger as he strode forward.

"You sent demons after them?"

Moving to meet Cas halfway across the room, Crowley was frosty and aloof. "You killed my hunters; why can't I kill yours?"

"You know why," Cas growled, grabbing Crowley by the front of his shirt as he reached him. Without any grand fanfare the angel flung the demon sideways by twenty feet into a wall. The old tiles broke and cracked, sending white plaster powder flying through the air. "I told you—you weren't to touch any of them!"

Coughing and wheezing as he ungracefully stood, Crowley staggered a step or two as he tried to find his center of gravity. "Bollocks," he muttered as he dusted himself off indignantly, giving Cas the evil eye as he recovered. "I'm not a frisbee, can you stop tossing me about like one?" At Cas's snarling expression, Crowley rolled his eyes. "Relax, would you? I was only going to have the boys killed, I know better by now about your precious little female Winchester."

Cas was right in Crowley's face again and he was yanking the demon to himself by a fistful of shirt. "You did what I explicitly told you not to do," he growled. "Why shouldn't I kill you here and now?"

Crowley didn't flinch. "Because without me, no Purgatory," he replied smoothly, calling Cas's bluff. "And without Purgatory… well. You lose." He raised his eyebrows and smiled ever so wickedly as his voice went soft and almost sing-song. "You know I'm right…"

He did know the demon was right and it infuriated him. Putting all his balefulness into his voice, Cas clenched the demon tighter. "They are off limits, Crowley." He let go with a hard shove.

Crowley pressed his mouth into a resentful line and pointedly straightened his clothing. "I'll thank you kindly to stop putting wrinkles in my Sunday best," he snarked, fixing Cas with narrowed eyes. He was playful but he was also threatening. "That temper of yours is going to land you in worlds of problems, buddy boy."

Cas's glare intensified dangerously. "Keep your opinions to yourself."

"Make me," Crowley retorted breezily, challenging Cas. Barely able to restrain his anger, Cas clenched his jaw all the tighter as Crowley's dark eyes examined him thoughtfully. "You know, I think even you still believe it," he purred tauntingly. "The big lie—the one even poor little wifey's barely able to believe anymore. That the angel she's banging is the good Cas, the righteous Cas. As long as she and those flanneled brothers of hers still believe it, you get to believe it too, eh?" He was smiling again, making Castiel see red. "Well, I got news for you, kitten. A whore is a whore is a whore—"

Castiel shoved him into yet another wall, hard, but this time Cas kept hold of the demon and stayed almost nose-to-nose with him. "Allow me to be direct," he growled venomously down on the demon. "If you touch a hair on their heads, I will tear it all down. Our arrangement—everything. I'm still an angel, and I will bury you." Castiel was angry on every level imaginable and he meant every word. "Speak lowly of my wife again and I will smite you into the next century." He let go with a vicious shove and disappeared before his anger made him lose control.

---

Night had fallen, leaving Ellsworth's house without any light to speak of except the faint glow of the risen, silver moon. The circle of oil had been laid out inconspicuously in the center of the mostly barren living room. Sam had agreed to try and lure Cas across the house after Alex refused to be the one who baited him. Dean had taken her aside and asked if she needed to leave—said that if she couldn't be there for this, he would get that completely. But she stayed. She had to be here for this, even though she was positive it was going to be one of the worst (if not the worst) days of her life. She clung to the slowly dying hope that it wouldn't be.

As the final preparations were made (mostly Dean taking a few shots to calm his nerves), Alex paced a slow back-and-forth near the front door of the house. Anxiety-riddled to her bones, she was trying to believe just a little longer that this was all some huge misunderstanding. She wanted to have hope that there was an explanation for this. But… everything Cas had said to her over the past few months was suddenly making horrifying sense…

This war is tearing me apart, Alex. I want it to be over.

Many in Heaven question my methods. Including myself.

I truly hate the circumstances I find myself in.

It's the war. It's being away from you. It's the things I have to do to gain victory.

Certain regrettable things are required of me. Things you wouldn't like. Things I can barely tolerate of myself.

There is nothing in all of creation I wouldn't do for you.

I feel sometimes as though I don't know who I am anymore.

I'm not the hero you believe me to be, Alex.

I don't deserve your comfort!

I'm not doing well right now. The things I've done, the mistakes I've made…

I question my every choice.

No one can help me.

If I should perish, please know this. Everything I did was me trying to protect you best.

His words rang in her mind over and over and struck her as what they were: Him confessing without confessing that he had done things he was ashamed of. But she was in severe denial… Cas, her gentle and sweet and often-childlike lover would never intentionally keep such a huge secret from her. He wouldn't lie to her face like that and lead her on, he wouldn't violate her trust like that… she couldn't fathom it. But… if he had lied to her without damn good reason… it changed everything. That was what terrified her. If he had lied, that said he didn't see her as a partner like she saw him. It said he was okay with taking advantage of her trust and love for his own selfish reasons. It said that everything she believed in wasn't true at all.

Scared to death that her entire world was about to be destroyed, Alex clung to wretched hope. She thought of all the things Cas had done for her that proved he loved her with everything he had. He was trustworthy… he had done so much for her and proved himself a hundred times. She wanted to believe in him, she wanted to believe so bad. But there was a sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach: Doubt. And so much of it.

I'll rip down the laws of nature if I have to. To keep you safe, to protect you.

He'd said that to her over two years ago in the attic. She thought of him holding her close with nothing between them but breath. She thought of the unspeakably tender way his fingers would trace against her face, she thought of the way his love-filled eyes would speak into hers, she thought of how her fingers fit into the spaces between his. Castiel was the angel who had given everything and more for her. She knew him. How could he be capable of what everyone else was accusing him of?

"Well… we ready?" Dean asked everyone. He sounded pretty reluctant to get the show going. Alex came out of her thoughts and realized she was biting her thumbnail ragged again.

"Let's just get this over with," Bobby said. He was as downtrodden as the rest of them. He took his place near Dean, sitting down onto the old coffee table. He had a glass of whiskey in one hand but the other hand was in his pocket, already holding onto his matchbook.

Sam glanced at his sister. He was in place at the far end of the house closest to Alex with a random book. He put his hand on her shoulder briefly, honing in on her sickened nervousness. "Hey. It's gonna be okay," he said to her, squeezing for effect and then patting a couple times before letting go.

No. It wasn't going to be okay. She already felt it in her bones. But she nodded stiffly.

Sam nodded at Dean that he was ready and everyone seemed to take in the same deep, apprehensive breath at the same time. "Showtime," Dean muttered, then cleared his throat. He bowed his head where he sat in a creaky old leather armchair. "Castiel, uh… we need you for a little powwow… so… come on down."

Immediately, there was a soft whisper of angel's wings. "Hello." Castiel stood near the desk, opposite of where Sam and Alex were.

Surprised that he'd appeared right away, none of them was able to find a comment except Bobby. "Oh, Johnny on the spot," he commented in put-on lightness.

"You're all still here," Cas said, frowning curiously.

"Yeah, we had to bury the bodies," Sam said.

In a performance even Alex found believable, Dean smiled and raised a shot in Cas's direction. "And we found a little whiskey. Thanks for coming."

"Of course," Cas replied, then looked to Alex. His frown softened. "Are you feeling better?"

His eyes made her stomach churn with nerves. "Fine," she said quietly, wishing he wouldn't look at her at all, wishing they weren't about to lure and trap him like he was the villain. Cas was so much more intuitive than he used to be—he picked up on her tone of voice, her single-word answer, her downcast eyes, her body language. His eyebrows moved together slightly as he tried to figure out what was wrong with her.

Focused on the awful task at hand, Sam indicated the book he was holding and pretended to be studying it offhandedly. "So, Cas," he said, shifting his weight nervously. "We, um—we have a new plan. We think we've finally figured out a way to track down Crowley."

Cas tilted his head slightly to the side in stern curiosity. "What is it?"

When Cas didn't move toward them as planned, Sam glanced at Dean and then Alex. Come on, Sam's glance seemed to say to his sister. She felt Dean's eyes on her, too. Miserable with herself for what she was about to do, Alex sucked it up and abruptly hugged her arms around her stomach and doubled over as she made a sound like she was in severe pain. "Oh…! Ugh!"

Immediately Cas's face fell. He was already asking her name and moving across the house toward her and right into the trap they'd set even before she'd finished letting out the sound of distress.

Bobby stood up fast, striking the match he'd had waiting and dropping it on the floor as soon as Cas had crossed into the circle. The fire leapt up in a perfect sphere around the angel, sealing him in. Stopping dead in his tracks, Castiel looked at the fire in complete shock. Straightening and dropping her act, Alex looked at him with every ounce of grief she felt. His face was washed soft orange in the light and bore utter betrayed disbelief when he looked at her. "What are you doing?" he asked softly, looking at each of them in turn. For the briefest moment it looked like he wondered if the holy fire was some kind of accident—his confused, hurt expression indicated that he had no idea what had just happened and Alex felt like her heart had cracked in two. How can this ever be undone? Cas looked at Alex again, further confused at how she was no longer doubled over. His face asked a silent question, straining mentally to understand. And then when he realized that she had willfully feigned illness to get him across the room and into the fire, it looked like he began to get it. For a moment, he looked like he was panicking internally. And then his voice hardened as he looked at Dean sharply. "What is the meaning of this?"

Dean stood up slowly and approached the circle of flames by a couple feet. "We gotta talk," he said calmly, quietly, and firmly.

"About what?" Cas asked, abruptly indignant, deeply upset, defensive. "Let me go!"

Dean's face was like a stone. "About Superman. And Kryptonite."

Cas blinked twice, seeming to realize his mistake. His anger faltered in place of something far worse. Guilt.

"How'd you know what I said?" Bobby asked quietly.

"How long you been watching us?" Sam questioned darkly, standing close to his sister and not bothering to hide the fact that he didn't trust Cas at all anymore.

"And why?" Alex asked softly, begging him with her eyes to tell her there was a good reason for it. Cas said nothing, just swallowed, appearing at a complete loss for words.

"You know who spies on people, Cas?" Dean demanded gruffly. "Spies."

The angel held a hand out, bristling. "Okay, just wait. I—I don't even know what you mean." He was insistent and flustered, the picture of guilt.

"Don't play dumb," Sam said lowly.

Cas looked at him and opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out as he visibly struggled to come up with a response.

"How'd you know I defended you to them?" Alex asked. Her voice was soft, weak, wavering.

Faltering, Cas tried to sound confident. But he wouldn't hold her gaze. "I—I knew that you would, that's all."

"What about this demon crap hole?" Sam pressed mercilessly. "How is it so next to godliness clean in here?"

"And how exactly did Crowley trick you with the wrong bones?" Bobby added on harshly.

Overwhelmed and harrowed, Cas was backed into a proverbial corner. "That is… hard to understand," he said, continuing to be vague and dodge away from straight answers. "It's hard to explain." He was the picture of someone who'd been caught, and they all knew it. "Just let me go, let me out and I can—"

"You got to look at me, man," Dean said quietly, cutting Cas off. Cas did as Dean said and looked at him with hard, mistrustful eyes. "You got to level with me and tell me what's going on," Dean continued beseechingly. "Look me in the eye and tell me you're not working with Crowley."

And the truth was said when Castiel said nothing at all. His expression wavered, fell, and he looked away in total guilt, confirming everything with his silence.

Looking like he'd been punched in the gut, Dean blinked several times as his voice went whisper-soft. "Son of a bitch."

"What?" Alex asked in a shell-shocked whisper. Her eyes pleaded with Cas. No. No. Say something, Cas. Explain how this is a misunderstanding. You can't be working with Crowley!

"Just—just let me explain," Cas said, and that handful of words was a kick to Alex's stomach. No—please, god, no. Cas's voice shook, his demeanor was no longer angry. He was now afraid and anxious and trying to explain it all away.

"You're in it with him?" Dean demanded, quickly becoming angry. "You and Crowley have been going after Purgatory together? You have, huh? Why?!"

"I did it to protect you, I did it to protect all of you!" Cas insisted passionately, whirling in a half-circle to look at all of them in turn.

"Protect us how?" Sam asked in righteous anger. "By opening a hole into monsterland!?"

Cas fumbled, unable to answer. "He's right, Cas," Bobby said grimly. "One drop got through and it was Eve and you wanna break down the entire dam?"

"To get the souls," Cas insisted imperatively, regaining some fire and conviction. "I can stop Raphael—" he turned quickly to look at Alex pleadingly. "You know I have to stop him!" His gaze darted around to all of them in near-mania. "Please, you have to trust me."

"Trust you?!" Sam repeated, shocked at the idea. "How in the hell are we supposed to trust you now?"

Cas stood there for a couple silent seconds, seeming to realize just how much he had screwed up. In a desperate and misplaced plea, he looked to the one he loved, the one who knew him best, the one who knew the most about the war in Heaven and the stakes at hand. "Alex?" he asked softly, despairingly. "Please. Surely you… surely you still trust me." Maybe even he knew that was an insane thing to hope for.

No. In one day, in the span of a few moments, her entire world and view of him had been shattered. "How the hell could I?" she asked faintly, unable to believe what was happening. Tears were in her eyes and she felt like she'd been the world's biggest fool. "Do I even really know you?"

Her question rendered him completely stricken and he looked like he had lost all the air in his lungs. "…How can you ask me that?" he asked quietly in a stunned voice filled with audible emotional pain. When she said nothing, just shook her head no, he started to get alarmed. "You know me," he insisted forcibly.

She didn't think she did. "How long?" Alex asked him in a stiff voice. "How long have you been working with Crowley?"

Ashamed, Cas looked down and finally told her the truth. "Since… since I started the war."

Another gut-wrenching blow, one that stomped her heart impossibly further into the ground. "You've been working with the King of Hell this whole time?" she breathed in horror, too shocked to know how to process what that meant. "You've been lying to my face this whole time?" Her voice was catching on a painful lump in her throat and she couldn't handle this being true. And then a terrible thought occurred. Frozen, hoping he would tell her she was wrong, Alex's voice was a bare whisper. "...You didn't give me the soul claim did you?"

Dean and Sam looked at each other in confusion about what that question even meant.

Cas's timid eyes flickered away from Alex's, and that was answer enough. But he said it out loud too. "No," he confessed miserably. "I didn't. But Alex, I—"

"What the hell, Cas! I trusted you!" she exploded at full raging volume, grieved and furious on a level she didn't know existed. Her words visibly affected Cas, whose mouth was open to say something. Words didn't come out. Alex was still going. "And all this time you've been tricking me?! Lying about everything?!"

Cas looked like he could cry, too, but kept trying to excuse himself in a thick, broken voice. "I… I didn't want to, but my hand was forced, please, you have to believe—"

High on the most painful and heartrending anger she'd ever known, Alex was barking back a retort before he had even finished speaking. "Who? Who held a gun to your head and made you lie to me?" She was shaking from adrenaline. And then abruptly she wanted to mourn like someone had died. Because someone had. The Alex who so fully trusted and believed in Cas was gone, just like that. Ruined, she felt tears streaming down her cheeks and she looked at the one she had loved heart, soul, body, mind. Everything she had dreamed and hoped was a lie. A trick. He had taken the trust she gave him and abused it and it broke her fucking heart. "I thought… I thought I could trust you," she accused tearfully. She had lost everything in the span of moments and her heart ached from despair. "How could you?" She hated him for doing this to her, hated herself for falling for it, hated how she still loved him right now at this damn moment.

Cas was devastated and bereft. He appeared to be realizing the full extent of his actions as she broke in front of him. "I… I don't know," he said softly. In his eyes, glimmering tears caught the light from the fire that entrapped him.

Alex felt close to a panic attack because she couldn't breathe. This was a mistake. This was all some horrible mistake. How could I have been so blind? Why didn't I see? I should have known! No one in this godforsaken life is trustworthy, no one! Crushed, Alex shook her head and backed up a couple steps, needing some support before she fell over. Sam was there, and he didn't need to be asked. He helped her stand, supporting her as they both looked at Cas with heartbroken, baleful eyes.

"Please, I can explain—" Cas begged again. He was a broken record. His voice cracked and the tears in his eyes made it almost impossible for Alex to function.

But no explanation in the world would make it okay. "You're not who I thought you were," she said in a voice that was barely above a whisper. She wished to god he hadn't let her down like this—it hurt so bad she could barely breathe.

Her words did something to the angel. He began to visibly panic as he saw what was happening: He was losing her, right then and there. "Please—don't say that," Cas begged, and he came closer to the edge of the circle of fire, trying to be closer to her. Sam's hands tightened on Alex, like he thought Cas might get her somehow. "Alex, you know me," Cas insisted brokenly, his heightened emotions making him seem frantic. "I've made mistakes, but I'm still me!"

"No," Alex managed, unable to even look at him anymore. "I don't know who you are."

Confounded and panicked and horrified, Castiel tried to appeal to her and in impulsivity and impassioned desperation, he temporarily forgot that they were not alone. "I am the one who loves you! Who would do anything for you!" he all but shouted, desperate for her to listen to him, desperate to remind her of who he really was. "I am your husband!"

Alex's vision went tunnel and her stomach plummeted to her feet. Oh god. Her eyes darted to his in shock and dismay as her lungs forgot how to breathe and her limbs froze in horror. Cas's face fell as he realized his mistake. And the room was as silent as a tomb.

"…What?" Dean asked dangerously, like he thought he'd misheard. Bobby looked like he thought he hadn't heard right, Sam's face was twisted in total confusion. When no one said anything, Dean started to get upset, fast. "What's he talking about?" he demanded, looking at his sister even as he jabbed a finger at Cas. When Alex said nothing, Dean's color lessened. "What the hell's he talking about?!"

Alex just looked at her oldest brother and the stricken, guilty, resigned look on her face made Dean's expression go slack in absolute shock. For a second, all Dean did was look at her, then Cas, then her again, like he couldn't even fathom what he had just been told.

"…Is… is this some kind of joke?" Sam asked in a shell-shocked, confused voice. His grip on Alex had loosened from stunned disbelief. Alex's worst nightmare was unfolding and she wanted nothing more than to just run away. This couldn't be happening.

"Dean… Sam…" Cas appealed, trying to take the brunt of the brothers' reactions onto himself. They both stared at him with shocked eyes. "I… I didn't mean—I didn't want you to find out this way." The angel shut his eyes briefly and breathed out.

Dean's expression was utterly cold and then suddenly angry. "Are you kidd—no. No!" He abruptly strode over and grabbed Alex by the jacket near her shoulder blade, trying to get a straight answer. "You married him?!"

Even though he was dazed, Sam reacted pretty fast. "Take it easy," he said, pushing Dean's hand away and giving his brother a forceful glare. Don't do that, his eyes warned. Crying because this was the worst timing in the entire world and she was humiliated and heartbroken, Alex hid her face in a hand as her shoulders shook. Stunned and taken aback, Dean stared at her. "When?" he asked.

"Dean, please—" Cas appealed from within the circle, obviously hating that Alex was upset and he was far away.

Dean ignored him. "When, Alexandra?!" he demanded, using her full name to startling effect.

Feeling like she had just been caught in the biggest mistake of all time, Alex faltered. "A… a couple days before Stull—" she admitted tearfully, not able to keep looking him in the eye. She was quickly approaching hysterics inside of herself. "I wanted to tell you, I wanted to tell you all, I'm sorry!"

Dean did the math in his head and looked more and more staggered by the second. Betrayed, hurt, and incredulous, he realized how long that meant. "You have been married for almost two years and never fucking told me?" he asked in a gut-punched voice, horrified and enraged at the same time. And then his face went cold and suspicious as his eyes narrowed into slits. "Did you know? About this Crowley crap?!"

Alex did look at him then. Her tears abated out of knee-jerk shock. "Are you kidding m—no!"

"Well I'm finding it kinda hard to believe you right now!" Dean thundered, then turned around explosively and knocked a lamp off the table there hard enough to hurl it into the nearby wall.

"I didn't know!" Alex insisted through tears, getting more and more upset.

Sam held her close, trying to calm her down even though his face was a mask of unreadable, tense emotion. "Hey," he soothed even as he stared with hard eyes at the angel.

"Dean, she's innocent of this," Cas said desperately, trying to appeal to the angry man who looked pissed enough to kill. "She did—she found out what I was doing—but I took her memories of it."

My god. "You what?" Alex breathed out. Each new confession was another knife in her back and she couldn't take any more.

"To protect you Alex, to protect us all!" Cas insisted, but it appeared like even he didn't believe his own words anymore.

"How the hell is that protecting her?" Sam asked, incensed. His hold on Alex loosened again as his ire grew. "Messing with her mind like that? That's covering your own ass!"

"Y-you promised," Alex choked out. "You promised you'd never do that again." He had promised her a lot of things. And now she doubted every single one. "Have you ever said anything true to me?"

His eyebrows pressed in together in an expression of agony. "Of course I have," Cas said, devastated. "How can you ask me that?"

Done, empty, totally and completely destroyed, Alex just shook her head. She had nothing left to say at all. Never before had she felt so hollowed out, so betrayed.

"Well. Anything else you wanna share with the class while we're at it, Cas?" Bobby asked quietly. He had a pinched, disturbed expression on his face.

"I'm… I'm on your side," Cas appealed, looking at all of them again in rising alarm. "All of you!" When no one said anything, he looked at Sam and tried to plead his case. "Sam… I am the one who raised you from Perdition!"

Another shocked silence hit the room and the only sound was of the whispering flames locking Cas inside the circle of fire. "What?" Sam asked in disbelief, finding his voice after his jaw dropped. And then he made a disrespectful face. "Well, no offense… but you did a pretty piss-poor job of it." He suddenly thought of something and more shock showed. "Wait. Did you bring me back soulless… on purpose?"

The question appeared to break Cas's heart. "How could you think that?"

"Well I'm thinking a lot of things right now, Cas!" Sam retorted heatedly. "Do you have any idea how many people died because of you bringing me back wrong? I almost killed her for fuck's sake!"

Dean, who had been pacing back and forth like a caged tiger, suddenly lost it. "You son of a bitch… I am going to kill you!" He rushed at Cas nonsensically, no weapon even in his hand, just murder in his eyes.

Sam intercepted him and got rammed hard by his brother but managed to hold Dean back just barely. "Calm down!" he shouted, even though he wasn't too calm himself.

"Don't tell me to calm down!" Dean roared, yanking himself from Sam's grip and glowering first at him and then at the angel. "Sneakin' around with Crowley?" he demanded sharply, letting his glare burn into Cas. "Doing god knows what behind our backs?! Making deals with the devil?" He was so angry he was shaking. "You were supposed to be one of the good guys you bastard!"

"I am one of the good guys—listen to me!" Cas shouted, nearly matching Dean's volume. "Raphael will kill us all, he'll turn the world into a graveyard, he'll restart the apocalypse—I have to defeat him or all is lost! I had no choice in this!"

"No, you had a choice!" Dean barked, stabbing a finger at the floor. "There is always a choice, goddammit!"

Cas looked at Alex, his last hope for mercy and forgiveness. "Please, I can explain it," he begged, voice cracking with emotion. "All of it. I can make you understand, please, you have to give me a chance."

Her eyes raised to his slowly from where they had been down on the floor.

Dean was irate. "She doesn't have to give you a damn thing!"

Cas's eyes begged her, but she said nothing. And then she slowly looked away. How could she give him a chance? She didn't think she had it in her, and that fact alone made her want to die.

"I'm so sorry," Cas managed in a choked voice, and he was speaking to her. "I thought… I thought I was doing the right thing." And then he abruptly lifted his head as if he'd heard something. His expression changed. Something was wrong. "It's too late now," he said, voice quickening. "I can't turn back now. I can't."

Then the Winchesters heard it, too. A whistling on the wind, a whispering sensation that they could feel tingling up their skin. Crowley was coming.

Bobby began to move, obviously thinking oh shit. Even though Dean looked mad enough to kill, true to his character, he hadn't given up on his friend completely. He backed up two steps. "Dammit, Cas, we can fix this!" he shouted as the wind began to rattle the house.

Sam was pulling a molasses-footed Alex with him, trying to usher her toward the door. "Dean, it's not broken!" Cas replied in a near-shout. The wind was picking up and Cas looked at them all with rising fearfulness—they were all hesitating to leave. He had been their friend for such a long time. Outside the windows, a pillar of black smoke snaked. Catching sight of it, Cas's face showed utter fear. His eyes locked on Alex's. "Run." They all backed away slowly, and Cas's voice raised to a deafening shout. "You have to run now. Run!"

And so they ran.