Song Remains the Same

by R. W. Winters

For Alex Winchester, normal has never been in the equation. Mute since the nursery fire, she grew up on the road chasing ghosts with her brothers and father. When her voice is inexplicably restored and the angel Castiel appears claiming to be her guardian, both of their lives change forever in ways that Heaven and Earth never expected. Castiel/OFC. Sisfic - S4-9 - Alternate Ending.

79. Long Road to Ruin

Song Remains the Same

Chapter 79 / Long Road to Ruin

"Love is when you risk your heart on the person in front of you…
often, you lose the bet."
- Unknown

---

*** CONTENT TRIGGER WARNING: Miscarriage ***

---

The car ride back to Bobby's? Utterly wordless. No one said anything. In the back of the Impala Alex struggled against herself, stifling uneven breaths that made her body convulse in a sporadic pattern. Sitting beside her, Bobby patted her knee a couple times but she remained unresponsive to the attempts at comfort. She stared out the window and avoided meeting anyone's gaze, accidental or not. Her body shook as she tried again and again to stifle the all-consuming heartbreak that was rampaging through her.

The tension in the vehicle was thick and miserable. Every passing moment only poured more and more emotional agony onto Alex's bleeding, wounded heart. All she could think of was the angel in the trench coat. Is he okay right now? Why did we just leave him there like that? What if Crowley hurts him? How could he do this to me? To us? To my family? He said he loved me. I thought he loved me! It wasn't supposed to end up like this! Was this all some cosmic joke? Has he lied about other things? Was it all some big trick? It can't be! ...Right?

She'd stopped in the doorway of that house as they fled and she'd turned around at the last minute as wind whipped at her hair and clothes violently. Never ever, not in a thousand years would she forget the sight of Castiel trapped in that fire and at Crowley's mercy. His eyes, blue as sadness and gleaming with the hint of tears had silently pleaded for her to not give up on him. She'd forgotten everything and panicked, making to go to him to get him the hell out of that fiery prison… and then she'd been stopped by both brothers. She'd been whisked away and shoved into the car and left in a daze as tires squealed. Cas had remained entrapped and now with every second more and more distance was being put between them. It was strange. Alex never wanted to see him ever again and at the same time she needed him to be there with her right now. She needed him to hold her and tell her this horrible mess was going to be okay. God. How could she love him and despise him so much all at once? Never before had her heart ached the way it was aching now.

How could you do this, Cas?

She looked out the window again and dashed stinging tears off of her cheek almost angrily. Moments of their love story rushed through her mind and were no longer beautiful and sweet to her—now they were tarnished. Now they made her wonder at his sincerity. She thought of him touching her and looking at her like she was the most spellbindingly beautiful thing in all of creation. Her skin could feel his fingers whispering soft and amazed touches. She could feel him breathing against her and could hear his voice low and tender saying things she had thought at the time were too good to be true. Maybe they were too good to be true. In that present moment, it felt like she had lost everything that had ever mattered in her life. Alex thought of how Cas had been so miserable in recent times and even cried just a few days ago before making furiously hungry love to her in a dark jail cell. She should have known. Somehow, she should have known. Her face crumpled pathetically and she smashed her lips together then shut her eyes against another wave of grief. Everything she had treasured so deeply in her heart was ruined completely.

She never would have suspected he was keeping such a devastating secret from her. She had trusted him too much. 'Had' being the operative word. Trust was shattered and gone. A memory. Her chest tightened painfully and she suppressed another round of body-wracking shudders.

Driving with a white-knuckled hand on the wheel, the oldest Winchester was silent on a whole different level. In the rear view mirror, Alex could see Dean's face was terse and mask-like. He had said nothing at all and never glanced back at her even once, but she knew the oncoming explosion was imminent. Sam's demeanor was dark and unreadable as he stewed within himself deeper and deeper. They knew. Both of them. All of them, all of it. Alex was mortified and horrified at how it had all come out. It was the very worse time possible. This wasn't how I wanted them to find out. And yet it had happened and now she was left alone to deal with the fallout.

She should have told them long ago.

She should have seen Cas's strange behavior for what it was.

She shouldn't have trusted and believed in him so unconditionally.

It broke her heart to even think that.

But what she thought next was the real gutwrencher:

Maybe I never should have married Cas at all. Actually… no 'maybe' about it. I shouldn't have. Not if it was going to turn out like this. What was I thinking?

Maybe that impulsive and lovesick decision had been the biggest mistake she'd ever made. Right now, it felt like that. And then she remembered him looking at her with eyes made out of love as they held hands that April day in 2010 and promised the rest of forever to each other—they'd thought only a few days remained in their lives, they'd been in love so deep and naive. She had trusted him with everything she had and more, and he had been her entire world. He had been the magic in her life. And now? She didn't know.

God, Castiel… what am I supposed to do now? Lost and confused and struggling not to weep, Alex was stricken with a faint instance of panic when they finally pulled into the familiar salvage yard at Bobby's. Her ever-heightening anxiety level made her feel physically ill because she knew what was coming next. The wrath of her older brothers. The questions and the judgment and the anger. The car jerked to a stop and shut off. Dean got out immediately, slamming the door hard enough to jostle the entire car. He strode off into the dark night by a couple steps in an angry march and dragged a hand down across his mouth then put his hands on his hips and kept his back to the car as he very clearly struggled to contain himself. Sam got out too and he was like a dark, abysmal cloud. Alex followed suit, getting out of the car in a robotic way so that she wasn't left alone with her uncle. She couldn't talk to Bobby about it or she'd lose what little composure she had for sure.

Bobby got out last and he glanced around at the very fragmented Winchester family—Dean standing off away from the car, Alex huddled close to the Impala with crossed arms and slouched shoulders, Sam with folded arms and a scowl on the other side of the car. Clearing his throat, Bobby nodded toward the house. "I'm, uh, gonna go start angel-proofing, I guess." He obviously sensed the oncoming shit storm and kindly offered Alex a way out. "You wanna come with, sweetheart?"

"No," Dean answered for her in a rude, forceful tone that said there was not another option. He turned around and put his eyes on Alex in a hard way that made her look away. "She's staying right here."

Bobby gave him an oh please look. "I think she gets to decide that, not you."

"Bobby…" Dean warned. It sounded like he was going to start a fight.

Alex cut in however softly. "It's fine, Bobby."

He frowned in concern …You sure? He asked her silently. She nodded heavily. Why delay the inevitable? She'd rather just get this over with and face the music. Bobby sighed and shook his head wearily, glancing at the stone-faced brothers with trepidation. "Yeah… none'a this is fine," he muttered, but went inside, reluctantly leaving the Winchesters to themselves.

Feeling very small and alone, Alex braced herself for whatever was about to come. To see both of her brothers looking at her with such harsh, upset stares told her this wasn't going to be pretty. Her heart thumped loudly in her ears, her stomach felt hollow and queasy, her veins were all shot and unpleasantly jittery. She thought about trying to explain herself, but her tongue was thick in her mouth and she couldn't think of words. She just felt so guilty and stupid.

Dean was the first one to speak. His face was working very strangely, trying to squelch anger down and even some hurt. "Well. I don't even know what to say right now," he said, coming back over and keeping his face hard. "About any of this." A weak, cynical smile abruptly tightened his already gaunt face. "But let's start with the obvious one. When were you gonna tell us?" He folded his arms and fixed her with a challenging, expectant look. "Were you gonna tell us?" Honestly, she didn't even know anymore. At her guilty silence, Dean continued to press. "You didn't think we would wanna know?" His anger abruptly turned into an indignant, disappointed demeanor. "Getting married isn't some joke!" he exclaimed, unfolding his arms and letting them fly out in a wide gesture. "What the hell were you thinking?"

Sam's face was hard and stony and he answered before his sister could. "She wasn't." His accusation stung and Alex looked down, ashamed. Her neck and jawline were burning and her eyes were brimming with mortification as Sam rounded the car and berated her coldly. "You know why you didn't tell us? Why you were probably gonna keep making excuses to yourself why we shouldn't know?" He paused for gut-wrenching effect then pointed at the ground for emphasis. "Because it was wrong and you knew it and you knew we'd call you on your crap when we found out!" He stopped to scoff, and for a brief moment his truly upset and betrayed feelings showed through a cold insult. "Maybe you two are perfect for each other, huh? Turns out you're both serial liars."

His words cut through her like a knife and Alex abruptly had to turn her head away, shut her eyes and clamp her mouth shut to suppress a noisy sob. "Sam." Dean reprimanded, halfhearted. Maybe out of instinct, maybe because the words were bordering on cruel.

"Shut up, Dean!" Sam retorted hotly, gesturing at his sister repeatedly as he ranted at impassioned, loud lengths. "She went off and married a guy she barely knew, she hid it from everyone for almost two years—that's delusional, psychotic behavior! Cas is dangerous! We can't trust him!" Abruptly Sam looked at Alex and he was at his wit's end. "And now I kinda think we can't trust you!" He was shaking his head at her and looking at her like she was the biggest disappointment in the entire world. He wet his lips, driving in more knives of guilt as he continued. "You know, I used to fight with Dean and tell him he misjudged you and that you were more mature and capable than the way he treated you, but you know what? He was right." He knew right where to hit her, and it hurt. Sam was scornful and not done. "Marrying the first guy who looks at you? Saying vows to someone you obviously didn't even know to begin with? You're like some stupid, reckless teenager! Grow up, Alex!"

Dean's voice was hard and loud. "Sam." He was giving his brother a look that said he better stop or else. "That's enough, okay?"

Full of contempt and bad attitude, Sam fixed his brother with a hot glare. "Yeah no, don't worry, I'm done," he spat with a final sharp glance at his sister. He was already brushing past his brother to stalk off.

As Hurricane Sam stormed away, Alex sagged against where she stood, in effect sit-leaning against the car. She put her face in her hand and listened to Sam's crunching footsteps fade. His words echoed painfully in her mind and she had this horrible feeling that he was completely right. Grow up, Alex. Emotional pain welled up and wanted to cry its way out of her but she refused to break down like she wanted to. Instead she steeled herself and waited for Dean to rip into her too. But all she heard was him shift his weight slightly. Defensive and trying to cover up grief with anger, she let her hand slap down and she glared at him expectantly—she didn't want anyone to see exactly how upset she was, least of all Dean. "Well? Where is it?"

He studied her with an unreadable and terse expression. "Where's what?"

"Aren't you gonna tell me what a fucking idiot I am too?" she asked in sarcasm that was weakened by the threat of tears. She redoubled her effort to sound hard and apathetic and cynical. "Aren't you gonna yell and throw things?"

Dean forced some kind of tight, derisive smile as he looked at the ground. The smile was more of a grimace. "Don't tempt me." Uncomfortable silence spanned between them and Alex couldn't quite summon the fire to start a fight… even though she wanted it, almost. She'd rather he yell and scream at her than look at her with so much disappointment.

"So. You gonna tell me how exactly this thing happened?" Dean finally asked, making his tone of voice hard. "I mean, when the hell did you two even have time to run off and—" he stopped mid-sentence as it hit him. His face went slack with shocked realization as he made the connection. As he began to understand, his expression became betrayed. "You… you didn't lose Dad's ring, did you?" That soft, wounded question made Alex's mountainous guilt even more intense. She looked down and pressed her lips in together, slowly shaking her head no. His eyes abruptly fell to the little penny around her neck. He was visibly stricken as he figured it out. His whispery voice sounded almost scared as he looked her dead in the eye with shocked eyes. "Son of a bitch, you really did marry him didn't you?"

That's when she realized Dean wasn't as mad as he was hurt and trying so hard not to show the extent of how burned he felt. And his wounded disbelief was far worse than anything else she'd expected. Trying not to choke on the lump in her throat, Alex shrugged wretchedly and looked at the ground through swimming eyes. Her voice was a weak whisper. Admitting it to him like this was more awful than she had ever imagined. "I mean, it's probably not legal, but… I… yeah. I did."

Dean's hurt expression only intensified. "Jesus, Alex," he commented in a strained, gut-punched voice. There was a long pause in which he looked at her with utterly betrayed incredulity. "I can't believe you. Can't believe you!" He looked like he'd been heartbroken. "How could you do that without your family there? Without me there? How could you do it period? I thought you were smarter than that!" He paused and the extent of his personal hurt showed in every way. "How could you do something that big and keep it a secret this whole damn time? Not even tell me? Do you have any idea how much that hurts? I would never do anything like that to you or Sam, ever!" He stared at her and let that sink in a second. And then he let out a short breath of humorless laughter and said the worst thing she had ever heard. "I guess it's hella stupid but I always thought if you got married I'd be the one who…" he trailed off and lost steam, becoming sad then scoffing in chagrin at himself. He didn't say what she already knew he'd been about to say. Walked you down the aisle and gave you away. She squeezed her eyes closed and fought her own feelings of despair at that thought. "Guess not," he muttered while he looked down and he stifled some greatly pained expression. "Cas should have asked me, man, he should have talked to me." It was a comment addressed both to her and the universe in general. He looked like he either wanted to cry or punch something. He put his face in his hand and shook his head as he took a couple steps to the side to release nerve-wracked tension. "This is so not right."

Everything he said did the opposite of what Sam had said. Sam's words had hurt and shamed. Dean's words shamed too… but moreover, they convicted her. Still, she tried to cling onto her reasons, she tried not to admit what she was already feeling: like it was all a childish, shortsighted mistake. "I t-thought the world was ending," she managed, "I thought I'd found someone, I thought we were all gonna die… and I… I loved him so much and he asked me and… I couldn't say no." Her excuses and reasons sounded so flimsy and ridiculous. Her composure was crumbling and she was beginning to cry. She covered her mouth with a hand as an ashamed sob escaped. It was beyond her control as the magnitude of her mistake crashed over her. "Oh my god," she managed in a choked, agonized whisper. "Sam's right. He's right. I'm stupid, I'm so fucking stupid."

She didn't know Cas well enough, she shouldn't have trusted him so unequivocally—she'd been absolutely blinded by how in love she was. Still was. This wasn't how she had envisioned her life turning out… a crumbled, obliterated shadow of the golden dream she'd had. She cried harder, at the point of hyperventilating—she doubled over at the waist and had a hand out to grip the car hood weakly for fear of falling down. Her other hand was over her mouth and face but that action wasn't doing a damn thing to hide or stifle her grief. She couldn't, she couldn't. The car abruptly went down a little and she felt Dean pull her close with both arms as he sat beside her. Relieved and even more saddened all at once, she hung onto him and cried hard into his shoulder as he held on tight, one hand behind her head. "Hey hey hey," he said softly. "Hey. I got you, sweetheart." Her heart broke all over again because he didn't have to sit out there and comfort her. And she hadn't expected him to. But he did, and she loved him all the more for it. He was obviously still really upset, but he put that aside and held her closely and reassuringly. She could hear how he was resonating with her deep pain. "You're okay," he murmured like he had a thousand times before when she'd needed to hear that.

But she wasn't okay and nothing could convince her that she ever would be again. "I trusted him Dean," she protested through agony. "With everything." Another pathetic sobbing sound escaped as she held onto her brother and bawled into his jacket shoulder. "He wasn't supposed to do this," she choked. "It wasn't supposed to be like this!" Her tears were mortifying her, the sadness was too raw, and it was all her fault. "I'm so fucking stupid, stupid."

"Stop that," he said with halfhearted sadness. She didn't see him blinking away the sheen of tears in his eyes. "What was that thing about a soul claim?" Dean asked after a couple seconds. "What did that mean?"

Alex stiffened. On instinct, she didn't want to tell Dean because it would make Cas look bad. Well… he already looked bad. So it would just make him look worse. "It… it's… stupid. Doesn't really matter." Of course it mattered. But she just couldn't deal with that right now. There were too many other things bugging her at the moment. She pulled back with a tear-streak face and looked at him for answers. "How could he work with Crowley, Dean? I thought I knew him." Dean had always known what to do and he had always taken care of her and Sam. And right now, she had no idea how to function or deal with what was happening. Her husband wasn't who she thought. She didn't trust her own judgement anymore. "What the hell am I supposed to do?" she begged.

Dean looked at her sadly and then reached out and brushed at some tears on her cheek with the backs of his fingers. He held her gaze for a long, deadly serious moment and he was very pained for her. "Let me get you outta this, Al."

Her tears abated very suddenly and she hesitated, suspicious about what that meant. "What do you mean?"

"I mean whenever he gets his ass out of that holy fire, he's gonna come looking for you," Dean said with a certain note of severity. "And if you want him to get the hell out of your life… I'll take care of it."

Her stomach was in knots. "…What do you mean, you'll 'take care of it'?" She didn't like the sound of that.

Dean shrugged and his mouth was in a thin line. "I'll tell him how it is. And if he won't accept it…" his jaw tightened and he looked her in the eye. "Then I'll do what I have to do."

Holy shit. "Dean, no, no!" Freaked out, Alex got upset all over again and became threatening. "No. If you touch him, if you hurt him at all—I swear—"

"Look, you love him, I get that, okay?" Dean interrupted, at his wit's end. "But Alex, use your damn head." He appealed desperately. "He spied on us. He's working with Crowley. He lied to us all, repeatedly, he manipulated you! He's a dangerous, confused guy with too much power. It's the Anakin Skywalker Darth Vader thing all over again! We can't trust him. You can't trust him!" He paused, waiting for her to agree. When she didn't, he got more vehement and desperate. "It has to be over!"

She almost thought so, too... but… it couldn't be over. Alex already knew that she would love Castiel until she died and then some. The hold he had on her wasn't something that could be undone. The threat of tears was returning and fast as she realized how dire the situation had come. And to think she had really believed in a happily ever after…

In denial, wanting to just go back to a time before all this shit had ruined everything, she shook her head as even more tears filled her already-sore eyes. She just wanted to lie down and give up on everything, scream at the universe for what it had done to her. "No, no. Dean…" she all but whimpered, barely able to speak for the tears choking her.

"Look, I know how much it hurts to break up with someone, okay? I do." Dean grabbed her gently by the arm to get her attention. "He's my friend too—and up until a few hours ago I saw him as family almost—but you're more important than he is and I'm just not seeing another option here, Al. You gotta end it! Or I will!"

Alex pulled away, scared and on the verge of getting angry. "What's that supposed to mean?!" She was fighting the tide and she knew it, but she still fought it all the same: Her own instincts, her own doubts, her own knowledge. "I know him," she choked out, wishing she could convince even herself of that. "He's… he's not bad. He's not. He can't be. There's no one else who could… could ever…" she squeezed her eyes closed. There was no one else who could ever hold a candle to him at all. He was ultimate, everything, and final. Maybe that was the worst part of all. She loved him and probably would no matter what he did. She wasn't just in love with him. She felt eternally connected to him, forever bound, cursed. He was why she could speak, he was why she was alive, he was her saving grace and her dooming fate. For better or for worse. Her voice wavered pathetically. She only knew one way to sum it all up: "Dean, I love him. I married him. He's... he's my husband."

Her brother stiffened. "Don't say that to me," he warned lowly, and she could hear the burgeoning anger in his voice. "Whatever you two did isn't real, you hear me?"

As regrettable as it was, it was real for her. Trying to be courageous, she drew in a deep, steadying breath. "I know you don't like it but—"

Dean abruptly stood up and she stopped mid-sentence at the jerky, angry way he shot to his feet. He walked off a few steps then abruptly whirled. "Sam's right—this is crazy, Alex, crazy!" he protested, then his face twisted up. "Married? Married? Come on! You two are playing house at best like two damn kids—Cas isn't even a real human—how the hell's he gonna give you what you need? How's he gonna provide for you and do all the stuff a hus—" he stopped himself mid-word, refusing to say the word husband. He became cold again. "You're kidding yourselves, you know that right?" His words stung and Alex looked away. Dean was quickly becoming mean-spirited. "What watered-down moron did you find to do that for you two, anyway?"

She almost didn't answer him because his attitude sucked, but she gritted her teeth and muttered the answer at him anyway. "Chuck."

Dean's jaw worked and he fought to keep his mouth shut. He finally spoke, and it was low, dangerous, upset. "You know what, we need to stop this conversation right now before I say things I really regret." He was done talking, abruptly too angry to even look at her. He turned away and put his back to her. "Go inside."

"Dean—" Alex protested, standing up.

He whirled on her furiously. "I said go inside!"

For a minute they just stared at each other—and then Alex set her jaw sullenly. With a mutter, she complied. "Fine." She went into the house and left him there all alone.

For a minute Dean just stood there by his car. When the door slammed behind his sister, his shoulders sagged and his show of anger dissipated. He walked over to the Impala, rested his elbows on the roof, put his head in his hands, and broke down into tears. A few seconds later he kicked the tire of the car out of frustration and anger and sadness then scrubbed his face with his hands as he leaned heavily. He had never been so blindsided or shocked in his entire life. How could she? He was every emotion in the book, but mostly he was hurt and shocked. Almost two years she'd been 'married'… and he hadn't had a damn clue. How fucking dare Cas lay claim on her like that? It was sneaky and underhanded and wrong and the worst part was how Dean had been so close to liking and accepting Cas within the past few months.

Joke's on me, Dean thought sourly.

---

Samandriel had seen it all. He stood invisibly outside of the Singer home because he had been strictly forbidden from entering buildings with Alex unless there was immediate danger. But still, he had seen enough to put together what was happening. He watched the brothers confront their sister, he watched Sam leave angrily, he saw Dean and Alex talking about what had happened. Then he saw how Dean made Alex leave. After awhile Dean went inside too. Samandriel was very shocked indeed at what he had overheard. Was this all true? How could it be?

Even as he wondered that, he felt his brother appear at his side.

"Hello Samandriel."

Samandriel stepped back slightly. "Castiel!" he exclaimed, trying to keep his more startled feelings hidden.

The older Seraph was wearing a dour expression and noticed Samandriel's strange reaction. His eyes narrowed. "What is it, Samandriel?"

Having known Castiel for centuries upon centuries, Samandriel had recognized how different his brother was becoming in recent times. He knew the war and its pressures had burdened him greatly. But he couldn't quite bring himself to believe the allegations against Castiel concerning the demon. That was too much and too far. He decided he should just ask. But he was inexplicably reluctant to do so. "Is… is it true?" he asked falteringly.

Castiel's eyes narrowed further and his guard intensified. "Is what true?"

Samandriel hesitated, because it seemed so absurd, at least the first part. And yet he felt a strangely intuitive internal sense telling him to be cautious in this matter. "I heard them say that… that you were working with the King of Hell." Castiel's face tightened and Samandriel continued even more warily. "That… that you… entered into marriage with the human girl." It was inconceivable that an angel would somehow enter into that sort of union with a human being.

And yet his brother's eyes dodged away guiltily and he didn't answer about that. Instead, he admitted that the other thing. "I'm using the demon to my own end," Castiel said gruffly. At Samandriel's look of utter shock, Castiel explained further in a dark, tired voice. "It's not what you think, Samandriel. It's the souls from Purgatory. They'll give me enough power to stop Raphael. And I can't get to the souls without the demon's assistance. But I assure you. When he's exhausted his usefulness… I'll kill him."

More than just mildly alarmed, Samandriel looked at his older brother with wide eyes. "Castiel… brother… surely there's another way."

"There isn't," Castiel replied darkly, looking away. "I tried."

"But this is dangerous!" Samandriel protested in deep concern. "Unheard of!" When Castiel didn't react at all, his much younger brother tried again. "The kind of power needed… it wasn't meant for us! It will tear your mind apart!"

Grim and evasive, Castiel looked at the house and clenched his jaw. "No. It won't."

But it most certainly would! Samandriel was dumbstruck. "And this demon, you think he won't be prepared for some kind of betrayal from you?" he questioned in rising animation. "What if he is planning the same thing?"

Instead of being worried, Castiel was aggravated. "I've taken this into consideration, Samandriel," he said lowly. "I know what I'm doing."

Samandriel didn't think he did. "'Can a man carry fire next to his chest and not be burned'?" he quoted in sad appeal. It was holy scripture that was seared deeply into both of their minds.

Castiel visibly lost some morale and faltered for a moment before hardening himself. "I am not a man," he said tersely. "I am an angel. And I have to do this." Castiel appeared to be shutting down emotionally and in denial.

Samandriel hesitated, beginning to sense just how desperate and reckless Castiel had become during the course of this war. "But Castiel—"

"Enough!" Castiel thundered, setting a fierce frown onto a surprised Samandriel. "Your job is to do what I order you to do—nothing else." He stood over the younger angel intimidatingly and angrily attempted to justify himself. "I am commanding an army. I am leading a revolution. Certain unsavory things are necessary to gain victory."

Samandriel made no reply for a few long seconds. "I suppose you would know these things better than myself," he said faintly, even though he was very uncertain about his brother's reasoning. Samandriel hesitated then asked about the other thing he had overheard. "But you… you wed the human?" he asked carefully, mystified completely at the purpose and meaning of it. "Surely you—"

"Samandriel." Castiel was gruff and distinctly warning. "Do not ask me about that." He stared at him hard. "No more questions." The look in Castiel's eyes made Samandriel feel a strange flicker of something that surprised him yet again: fear. He had never been afraid of Castiel before… and now he was. What ends would his brother go to in this? What dark descent was he making? His aura which had always been so quiet and peaceful before was dark and stormy, unpredictable. Even his halo was less bright than it had been before. Was this what happened to angels when they cared and felt too much?

Stepping away from Samandriel, Castiel looked toward the house again and squinted at it sternly. "They've put angel wards on the house," he observed stiffly, sidestepping more discussion of the war and what Samandriel had heard.

"Yes," the younger angel confirmed meekly, nervous to set his brother off again. "B-but I saw the girl purposefully smudge one as she went inside." He thought perhaps this was because she wanted Castiel to appear to her.

The news of why the warding was ineffective made Castiel sadden visibly with an anxiousness he tried to hide. He began to speak out loud, but it seemed as if he were talking to himself. "I have to speak with Dean," he said with heavy regret and self-loathing. "I should have spoken with him a long time ago." He drew in a deep breath through his nose and stood a little taller, then looked at the younger angel with tense, regretful eyes. "Samandriel… forget what you know of this." His fingers abruptly touched to his brother's forehead and Samandriel's knowledge of the marriage and Cas's darker deeds was erased instantly.

As Castiel walked away a few steps in preparation to go into the house, he mourned himself. He didn't recognize himself anymore, but he was fighting so hard to believe he hadn't changed at all.

---

Sam was somewhere in the house, Bobby was in the basement, Alex had shut herself into the attic, and Dean was alone with his misery in the study. He sat on the couch in the dark and stared at the floor where ghoulishly misshapen shadows were made by the bright red angel wards covering the window behind him. It was a shame they even had to use those. It was a shame his sister had hidden such a big thing in her life for so long. The entire damn thing was a crying shame.

Married. She got married. Almost two years ago. And he'd had no idea.

It all fit now that he thought about it though. That night she and Cas had been gone inexplicably while he was in Chicago getting Death's scythe. Dad's 'lost' wedding band. That stupid penny Alex wore without ceasing. The white dress she'd been in when soulless Sam almost killed her. Christ. Dean bowed his face into his hand and shook his head. The evidence was there but he still couldn't believe this.

The more he thought about it, the sadder and madder and more frustrated he got. He wanted to shake his sister and hit Cas in the face. What was Alex thinking? Happily ever after with Captain Confusion? Growing old with an immortal and non-human guy? Getting married without himself and Sam beside her? It made Dean's head spin. And Cas—what about him? Who did he think he was? Well, the answer was obvious because he'd shouted it at her from inside his little fire circle only a couple hours ago. Husband. That word made Dean see red. It might not have been so bad to find out about this 'marriage' if they hadn't just found out Cas was nine-to-fiving it for Crowley. Lying, sneaking around, keeping them in the dark? All to 'save' them? Yeah right.

Sure, Dean had lied to his family before to keep them safe but that had been different. Cas had no right to do what he'd done. And Dean felt betrayed.

Confusion and hurt drowned him as he sat there alone in the dark. He was just starting to think about getting up to find some damn whiskey to dull the pain when lo and behold… Cas appeared right in front of him. Dean jumped to his feet as his heart rate skyrocketed.

Cas was somber and contrite and his face was shadowy in the low light. "Hello, Dean."

"How'd you get in here?!" Dean demanded angrily. Cas wasn't supposed to be able to get in here point blank.

"The angel-proofing," Cas said, then hesitated. He seemed very uncomfortable. "You… got a few things wrong."

"Yeah," Dean muttered to himself. "Great." He looked the angel up and down in threat-assessment. "What do you want, Cas?" He already thought he knew, and he was honestly surprised Cas was down here, not up in the attic trying to plead his ridiculous case to his 'wife.'

"I… I think I owe you an explanation," Cas said quietly. "I want to apologize."

"Oh," Dean said curtly. That was so rich. "You want to apologize." He found a cynical little chuckle within himself but it couldn't cover up his cold anger for long. "What for? For raising Sam soulless? For working with the damn King of Hell? Or maybe for marrying my sister behind my fucking back!?" He was so enraged that steam could have come out of his ears. "Where do you get off, Cas?! Not only do you try and steal her away for yourself like that you selfish bastard, oh no, you have to trick her and treat her like she's, what, some object that belongs to you? She's a person, Cas! And she's not yours!"

"I'm sorry, Dean," Cas said heavily, as if he were trying to be gentle for Dean's benefit. "But Alex is my wife. I know it would have been preferable if I asked for her hand and if we had—"

Dean abruptly rushed Cas and tried to shove him. "You shut your damn mouth you son of a bitch!" Cas was as movable as a solid brick wall and it made Dean even madder. "She is not and never will be your wife!" The angel's face showed nothing but minor chagrin, like Dean's words were nothing but a small let down for him. "You're delusional, Cas!" Dean shouted, trying to shake Cas but failing at that, too. "You've lost fucking your mind!" And when Cas had the gall to look mildly annoyed by the insults, Dean Winchester lost his fucking temper. Too angry to see and too pissed to remember how this went, he hauled off and punched Cas in the face… and promptly broke his hand. "Son of a bitch," he wheezed, turning away halfway and cradling his hand as he doubled over. Pain shot through him from the cracked bones and he gritted his teeth tight. Bad idea.

Cas looked at him sadly. "I had hoped you would react better than this," he said quietly, then touched Dean's shoulder.

Confused, Dean stopped mid-grimace. His hand didn't hurt at all and he straightened slowly and awkwardly. Goddammit, Cas, trying to make it all better by fixing me. He hardened his demeanor. "Yeah, where'd I leave my confetti and balloons?" he asked rudely. "Cas, you don't get it. You're not even capable of being in a relationship let alone…" he could barely bring himself to use this word, "marriage!"

The accusation made Cas lose a little confidence. "It… was our choice," he said after a moment, and he sounded like a little child who had been told something was a certain way and was confused when it wasn't. "We both wanted it." He hesitated, studying Dean carefully. "You're the one who taught me that freedom and free will—"

Incensed, Dean pointed at Cas with a harshly jabbing finger. "Don't try and twist my words!" he thundered—Cas actually thought he was in the right about this? He'd taken whatever free-will crap he'd learned and was now using it to justify his shady actions? "You're a freakin' child, you know that?" Dean accused. "Just because you can do what you want doesn't mean that you get to do whatever you want! What were you thinking? Were you thinking?"

The angel's jaw was set grimly. The angrier Dean got, the more terse Cas got. "I know what I'm doing, Dean."

"Yeah? Do you? I call bull." Dean shook his head and was filled with loathing for everything in the world. Loathing and great sadness. His anger couldn't hold underneath the weight of that sadness. "Do you know what you took from me?" he asked abruptly, voice breaking tellingly. His chest tightened and his eyes threatened to show exactly how upset he was about what Cas and Alex had done. Gone was the possibility of Dean walking her down the aisle, giving her away, dancing with her to a song just for them. He'd always known, in the back of his head, that song would be Sweet Child O' Mine. And now, those dreams he'd never really given any credence to were useless. They were stupid anyway, stupid. Just pipe dreams of a pathetic big brother who was confused about his role in his kid sister's life. He wasn't her dad. But he still felt like it half the time. Bitter and mournful, Dean shook his head and moved his mouth to cover over his lapse in composure. "You shoulda asked me, man. You shoulda come and talked to me at least."

Cas's expression showed that he was sad too, but not on the levels Dean was. "And would you have given your blessing?" he asked knowingly.

Well… touché. Dean squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose in an effort to gather himself. This was one of the worst days of his life, hands down. "You know the sad part?" he asked, laughing softly. Because if he didn't laugh, he'd cry. "I was actually starting to trust you, like really trust you. To like you. To even… approve of you." He'd even felt like Cas could have been family recently. He'd willingly gone along with Cas and Alex as a couple and had been trying to give that a real, genuine chance. Now Dean regretted that so hardcore. Angry with himself for believing Cas was a face-value kind of guy, Dean shook his head. "I mean, how could you, Cas? Take advantage of her like that? My romance-novel-reading kid sister fell for you hook line and sinker, huh? And here I was falling for your act, too."

Cas bristled visibly. "Dean, it's no act. Don't you dare tell me I don't care."

Scoffing, Dean crossed his arms. "Oh so you show you care by making her to be some Helen of Troy?" he demanded. "You put her in danger and say you love her? You'll protect her!? She needs to be protected from you!" His words were hitting Cas and visibly affecting him. "Being with you makes her target numero uno everywhere, you get that right?" Dean asked, because he was starting to realize how true that was and how afraid he was for Alex to get put in the middle of the Heaven drama. Those were dangerous crossfires to be in and Cas was a selfish idiot if he was really willing to let her be endangered like that. "If you really loved her, you'd man up and walk your ass away from her today."

Cas's face registered incredulous offense. "How can you say I don't love her?" he asked in soft, growing anger. His face and voice darkened. "I would do anything for her and I am." He stepped forward in confrontational animosity. "Dean, I am defying everything I ever stood for, I am doing the unthinkable to keep her safe and to secure her eternal fate—Heaven itself is being ripped apart because of how I feel, I am being ripped apart!"

Dean didn't have it in him to empathize. "Oh don't try and act like you're the victim here, Cas," he muttered, rolling his eyes.

Very annoyed at Dean's reaction, Cas let out a short sharp breath of air as he looked away in an attempt to gather his temper. "You misunderstand me, Dean."

"Yeah, sure I do," Dean retorted. He took a second to regulate himself by dragging a hand down over his face. Silence stretched between the two of them and when he was calmer and had more of his mind about him, Dean set Cas with his sharpest and most skeptically probing gaze. "While I got you here, you wanna tell me what the hell she was going on about with that soul claim? What's that mean?"

Cas's face lost some of its cloudiness in favor of quiet and tense reflection. It took him a long moment to reply. "Up until last year… her name was in the book of Hell, Dean."

"What?" Shocked out of his mind, Dean faltered. "…Why?"

"I don't know," Cas replied with a grim shake of the head. "But it's no longer there. I removed it, Dean. As part of my… 'deal' with Crowley. He surrendered the claim to me." Understanding began to roll over Dean and he was confounded at the new revelation as Cas continued to explain. "Until I win this war, her soul claim… the thing that determines where her immortal soul goes after this life… is with me. The moment I win the war, I'm putting her name into the book of Heaven." Dean gaped at Cas openly. He hadn't seen this one coming at all and he was abruptly wondering if he had it all wrong. Cas's motivations weren't totally idiotic. He was really doing this to save her? "She didn't want me to keep the claim for her," Cas continued, growing conflicted. "She wanted it herself. But it's far too dangerous. If it's lost… then so is she." He paused for deadly emphasis. "And I am unwilling to risk that." Damn. Dean was starting to figure it out just as Cas explained it: "So… I tricked her into thinking I gave her the soul claim. To avoid… conflict." Ashamed, Cas was looking down. "In hindsight, not one of my better decisions. I should have just been honest and refused her outright. But I…" there was a small instance of irony on the angel's face, "I didn't want her to be angry with me." He sighed ruefully. "And now all of you are. I am truly just trying to protect you all. Do you understand that?" He looked at Dean with an openness and an anxiety that was hard to get away from.

"I didn't know that," Dean managed in a soft, stilted voice. "She… she never said anything about Hell or, or anything." Not a damn thing. Another huge thing she hadn't told him about. Dean didn't know what else to say but he was definitely struggling to stay angry at Cas which blew his mind. Now he was feeling… like he sort of got it. Why Cas had done what he had. But that still didn't make it right. The place where those actions were taking Cas couldn't come to fruition. Fumbling a little, Dean tried to reason with the angel. "Look, I mean—I, I get it Cas, but Alex aside, think about what you're risking here, man," he paused, wracking his brain for the right way to say it. "I get that you gotta win the war but… Cas, this is Purgatory we're talking about. Chock full of monsters who'll eat the whole planet alive if something goes wrong. You have any idea how dangerous this is?"

Cas's jaw tightened. "I know the risks full well."

Frustrated beyond compare, Dean threw a hand up. "Do you?!" He rubbed the lower half of his face briefly in a gesture that came off as supremely harrowed. "Look." His hand slapped down. "I understand wanting to do freakin' anything to keep her safe. Hell, I've been there, but you cannot do it this way. Trust me."

Cas zeroed in on Dean's purposefully vague statement. "What do you mean, Dean?" he questioned, eyes narrowing deeply as they studied the man's face in concern and confusion. "What is it?"

Dean didn't think he was that transparent and faltered, because no one knew about this. And that's how it was supposed to stay. "It doesn't matter," he dodged gruffly, looking away guiltily. "I did what I did and I can't take it back."

Cas's studious expression intensified and he was gentle as he pressed for answers. "What are you talking about, Dean?"

Dean gritted his teeth together. He had never spoken a word about this to anyone. Not Alex, Sam, Bobby, not anyone. And he had never planned to either… but maybe this could serve as a warning to Cas. Maybe this would help the angel see he had to stop while he was ahead. Dean didn't know. But he slowly started talking about it out loud for the very first time ever. "Look. I was on the rack in Hell. And I… I was fine with it. The pain, the suffering… I could handle that. I deserved that. And they kept trying to get me off the rack to torture souls and I said no, hell no." He became distracted at the memories and for a minute, he glazed over. His voice was soft and reminiscent in the worst of ways. "I could have said no forever, Cas. I could have held out on them for eternity squared." And he truly thought he could have. Dean darkened, remembering. "Then Alastair comes to me one day. Says he's found my sister and he's gonna kill her and drag her downstairs to torture her forever in front of me if I don't do what he says." Cas's deep frown began to soften in shock as he put two and two together. Dean tried a cynical chuckle. "What was I supposed to do, right? I wasn't gonna call that bluff. Not with her on the line. Couldn't even risk it for a second. So I came off the rack and tortured those souls to keep her safe." He paused, eyes falling downward in deep guilt. "And I started the apocalypse by doing that."

The room was utterly silent for a moment. Cas's eyes flickered over Dean with veiled worry and disbelief. "Dean… I didn't know," he said quietly.

"No one knows," Dean returned in a hard voice. "And no one will." He was struggling not to break down, which meant he only made his voice and face tougher and tougher. "She's not gonna feel the kind of guilt I feel, Cas. Ever. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, you hear me?" It was too much and Dean couldn't keep up the tough guy act. He shut his eyes and shook his head, turning around as his voice broke briefly. "And I don't want you to do something you can never take back here either, Cas." He opened his eyes and stared at the ward-covered window. He steadied his emotions and focused on the task at hand. Talk Cas out of this utter bullshit plan.

"Dean, I…" the angel began.

Dean turned around, his fire returning out of desperation. "Listen to me—you're gonna fuck the whole world up by opening Purgatory to do what, to save her and stop what I started? When there's a million other ways to get the job done other than opening monsterland?" He let that statement hang in the air before driving his point home emphatically. "You're not backed into a corner like I was! Think, Cas!"

Cas contemplated it for a moment then asked a slow, thoughtful question. "Knowing what you know now… would you have changed what you did in Hell?"

"No," Dean replied immediately. "Hell no. Keeping her and Sammy safe is my life, okay? But that's not the point, Cas—the, the point is… I get that you're trying to do the right thing, okay? I believe you on that count, all right? But you got to stop. Now." He wet his lips, trying to think of a way to get Cas back to the land of the sane. "There's gotta be another way, man. Let's kill Crowley and then take on Raphael together, pool our resources, find a way to take him down and kick him in the ass." Cas looked reluctant and as such, Dean doubled his appeal. "We're not in the corner here man, we got options! We can figure something out!" he protested against Cas's silence. "If you love my sister, do the right thing and drop this demon-deal crap now, today."

Cas looked utterly pained and regretful. "I can't. Dean, I can't. Believe me, I've tried to find other ways. I've failed more than you know. I need to do this." He shook his head and his eyes searched far distance off to his right tensely. "If I don't win this war… everything is lost."

"Yeah but winning the war like this?" Dean reasoned intensely. "Come on, Cas!"

"I have no other way," Cas replied with grim finality.

Temper flaring and desperation setting in all over again, Dean looked at Cas like he was nuts. "Why are you so hellbent on being a moron!? Why won't you listen to me?" he demanded, and he realized he had never cared quite this much about anyone on a personal level except family and a very small select few others. And in a moment of vulnerability Dean let Cas know that. "Look, next to the twins, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family," he said, laying it all on the line. "You are like a brother to me. A pain in the ass brother I am so pissed at I could strangle with that damn tie around your neck, but a brother all the same." Cas looked startled, touched, and saddened all at once. "So if I'm asking you not to do something… don't do it! You gotta trust me, man."

The look in Cas's eyes said it all. "I'm sorry Dean. But you have to trust me. I have to follow through on what I've started."

"Don't say that Cas," Dean said, hating where this had to go. "I can't let you crack Purgatory, man," he said, and it was a plead as much as it was a fact. "And if you're refusing to stop…" he knew if he said it aloud, he had to stick with it. "Then I'll have to do what I have to do to stop you."

Cas's face saddened. "You can't stop me, Dean," he said quietly, almost like he regretted that fact. "You're just a man. I'm an angel."

Bristling and hiding it, Dean held his ground and didn't let his growing fear show through. "Dunno, man or not, I've taken down some pretty big S.O.B.s." He raised his chin fractionally and let his eyes narrow. "And by now you know how I am about protecting my family."

Cas looked hurt. "You don't have to protect her from me. Don't you see? I would do anything for her."

"Well so would I," Dean retorted flatly. "And I have. For her and Sam both. And I'm ready to do it all again too."

The angel shook his head and looked down with a grave expression. The room was utterly silent again. They were at a clear standstill. Dean wasn't backing down and Cas wasn't changing his mind. With finality that turned Dean's stomach, the angel closed the subject and said that he was going to keep going with his plan to open Purgatory. "I'm sorry, Dean."

Dean hardened his mouth into a line—so, this was how it was gonna be. "Well, I'm sorry, too, then," he said in a quiet, resigned voice.

It was Cas's choice. Dean had given him every chance and told him why it was so dangerous but the angel was insisting on going against everything right in the world. Dean couldn't abide it and Alex couldn't be part of this anymore with Cas. He made his voice strong and rough and he didn't let any of his regretful feelings show. He couldn't let his personal feelings or his care for Cas get in the way of what had to be done. "But before you go, know this," Dean started in a growling voice. "Come near my sister again and I will end you." He approached the angel in a confrontational manner. "I don't care what good stuff you've done for her, for us… stay the hell away from my family. Drop Crowley and maybe we'll talk. But until then, I want you as far away from her as possible, you hear me?" Dean drew himself up to his full height and did the big brother thing. "She doesn't want you around anymore," he said, which was basically a lie. But Cas and Alex weren't good for each other and Dean was done with it. If she couldn't make the break, he was gonna make it for her. "You two… are done. Hear me?"

Cas's eyes took on a baleful quality and he said nothing. Just stared at Dean for a long few seconds then disappeared completely. Dean's shoulders sagged and just as he felt mild, sickened relief that that was over, he realized… it probably wasn't. Son of a bitch. He headed across the room for the stairs, then abruptly came to a halt. Seated at the top of the stairs with a very grimly thoughtful look on his face… Sam. "Hey," he said softly.

Startled and dismayed, Dean hid it underneath a mask of annoyance. "How long you been there?" he asked gruffly.

Sam was quiet and sad and empathetic. "Long enough."

"Great," Dean muttered, expelling a breath and rubbing his forehead briefly. Just what he'd needed to make today even better. Now Sam knew about the Hell crap. Just peachy.

Sam stood up and the stairs creaked underneath his heavy mass as he came down by a few stairs. "Dean…" he started, and no—Dean couldn't.

"Shut up," Dean said tersely, cutting off the touchy-feely crap before it could even start. "And move." He motioned brusquely for Sam's hulking figure to stop blocking the way up the stairs. "I gotta go make sure he's not up there with her."

Sam was giving him that worried puppy dog look and wouldn't budge. He hesitated, then patted Dean on the side of his shoulder like he was dismissing him. "Know what, I'll do it," he said gently. Dean made a you're crazy face at his brother—last person Alex would wanna see was Sam. After all, he'd gone volcanic on her just half an hour ago. Sam saw Dean's thoughts and spoke to them. "It's fine," he said heavily, and the way his eyes dodged away he seemed mildly regretful. "I'm fine now."

Dean was too tired to fight it. Whatever. He stood back and shook his head while staring around at the study blankly. "Glad someone is."

Sam turned and headed upstairs.

---

Alex sat on the side of the bed in the quiet attic. Her mind was a riot and her heart was a war zone. In her hands a shiny penny on a chain winked up at her as it caught moonlight from the nearby window.

We can't trust him. You can't trust him! It has to be over!

Dean's words echoed in her thoughts over and over again. She rubbed her thumb over the penny's surface, feeling the raised letters that spelled out ONE CENT over and over again.

It has to be over. She couldn't even entertain that thought and yet had no idea how on earth she could ever trust Cas again or continue on. The love she felt for him was wounded and limping. But it was still love. And the thought of him consumed her completely.

The softest sound of wings could be heard at that moment near to her and Alex stiffened. So he'd come. She didn't look up, just shut her eyes as emotions heightened at his close proximity.

"Hello Alex," he said in the softest and most careful voice. How could two words kill her like that? Pain crushed her heart and every bit of strength she'd been gathering here as she waited was lost without warning. Her face contorted as she quashed her feelings down. She heard him step a little closer. "Are… you all right?"

What a question to ask. "Am I all right," she repeated hollowly, shaking her head slightly in blank disbelief. She opened her eyes and looked over and up at him very slowly. He stood about six or seven feet away and was worried, looking at her with eyes that made it so hard to talk to him. "I defended you," she said softly, her sense of betrayal bleeding into her words. "I believed in you."

If his words and expression were killing her, the effect was the same to him—he appeared to be physically pained at her statements. "I… I wanted to tell you," he said in a voice made higher in anxiety. He chanced a step closer. "So many times, I almost did."

"Oh well good for you," she said bitterly, looking down into her hands and trying to ignore the rock-like lump in her throat. "That makes this all better."

That's when Cas saw what she held in her hands. A quality of fear made his voice become tight. "…What are you doing?" he asked in a whisper, staring at the penny he'd given her that spring day almost two years ago.

She shook her head, looking at him again with eyes that were flooding with tears. "I could ask you the same thing," she whispered in a wretched voice.

Castiel was alarmed and thrown off and it showed. "I am doing what I have to in order to stop the apocalypse, to save the human race, to save you," he insisted in rising emotional distress as he came closer by a couple of steps. "Raphael is too powerful for me to take on as I am now—unless I have the souls from Purgatory as power, he wins." Alex listened silently but said nothing. It sounded dangerous and close to insane and she just didn't understand why the hell he would keep this from her like he had. "Please believe me," he begged. "Keeping everything from you has been torture for me."

A tight, cold little smile came over her face in response to that comment. "Well it's nice to know you're a little disturbed about keeping such a big secret from me," she muttered darkly, standing up and walking toward the window to put more space between them. "Means a lot." She smacked the penny down onto the windowsill with angry fire and left it sitting there alone. Jesus. She still couldn't believe this was happening.

Cas shifted behind her and she heard him very cautiously coming closer. He appealed to her in a voice that beckoned her to drop everything and run to him, in a voice that was crushed and afraid and full of a begging anxiety she couldn't stand. "Alex…"

She whirled and her eyes glittered with tears. "Don't think you can just look at me with those big sad eyes and say you regret it then everything's better!" she shouted. She was breathless and upset and when he saw how upset, he attempted to go to her by instinct. She stepped back pointedly, keeping the distance between them. Stung, Cas stopped. He stared at her with this wounded expression, looked at the penny on the windowsill, then back at her. He looked so innocent, so confused about what he'd done and what was happening and Alex was so frustrated she could scream. "Cas, I understand having to do questionable things to get the right outcome!" she exclaimed tearfully. "I do! The unforgivable thing here is you lying to me and hiding everything and tricking me and, god, taking my fucking memories—? Again?" That was the final unforgivable, horrifying thing because he'd sworn never to do it again. She didn't think she knew him anymore and the way she looked at him conveyed that. "You promised me," she whispered, then abruptly became so irate she could have kicked something. "You ruined everything!" she accused, so angry he'd done this to them. "How can I ever trust you again?"

Cas's quiet horror doubled. "Alex, you can trust me," he insisted in deepening dismay, "I only want what's best for you!"

She scoffed in deeply hurt cynicism because no, she couldn't trust him—how could he even say that? "So all the underhanded shit you've done is what's 'best for me'?"

Regretful, Cas was at a loss for a moment. "When all is said and done… yes." Even he seemed to realize how miserable his statement was. "I know my methods aren't appealing but… I had no other way. I exhausted every other avenue and option. Everything I've done has been for you."

Hearing that made her cringe. "Well I didn't want this!" she choked out.

Cas watched her and was deeply remorseful. "I should have told you," he said quietly after a heavy silence. "Long ago. I see that now. I should have… have trusted you with my burden. But I didn't want you to share in my misery." He peered at her with anxious, genuine eyes and Alex had to lean back against the window for support. The urge to go to him was so strong and absurd. "I suppose I also didn't want you to see me as what I suppose I truly am," Cas continued softly, his head beginning to bow in shame. "Wretched. Low." He was breaking her already shattered heart all over again and her instinct was to comfort him. She clamped her mouth shut and refused to. Instead she cursed herself. Cas continued to speak. "I… the soul claim. I tricked you because I wanted to avoid emotional fallout when you inevitably got angry if I wouldn't give it to you."

His reasoning was so hurtful and made her question him completely. Never mind that he was being honest… that was horrible of him. "Well good job avoiding the emotional fallout," she said bitterly, trying to protect herself by being harsh and defensive. "That worked out great." His face fell further and he didn't disagree. "How could you be so selfish?" Alex asked, because that action had been all about him and none about her. That wasn't the Cas she thought she knew and loved. She was so confused. "I thought I meant more to you than that."

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, eyes downcast on the ground. "It was a… a mistake. I'm… I'm new at this."

She bristled inside and out as her temper suddenly flared. "Don't you dare use that fucking excuse with me," she snapped. "You're better than that! Or you're supposed to be!" That was another low blow for her to have to try and swallow down. Cas was avoiding her gaze guilty. "And taking my memories?" she asked, getting closer and closer to crying. She couldn't believe him. "What exactly happened there, huh?" she asked, trying to sound cold and angry instead of hurt and betrayed. "When was this?"

Coming face to face with what he'd done was making Cas more and more visibly depressed. "Not long ago at all," he confessed, eyes still having a hard time lifting up fully to hers. "The… the soul touch. You saw everything. And… I reacted like a coward."

Alex shook her head and looked away as her eyes brimmed with tears. She clenched her jaw tightly. "Unbelievable." Cas seemed out of words and he moved toward her again, reaching out to touch her shoulder and Alex jerked away before he could. "Don't touch me!" she snapped even as a tear ran down her cheek.

Mortified, Cas stood there with his hand frozen in mid air. "I was only trying to—"

She stared at him hard and mistrustful. "Don't." She turned away and leaned against the window, putting a hand on the cold glass pane for support. This was a nightmare. A goddamn nightmare.

Cas was quiet behind her for a long moment. "I knew it was wrong the second I did it," he finally confessed, and it almost sounded like he was in tears, too. "I made a mistake." She heard him more forward, closer to her, so close that the edge of his trench coat brushed the back of her leg. "Please—forgive me."

She wanted to. So badly. Was that pathetic? She wanted to just erase the board so that things could be like they were before—she wanted to forget this mess and walk away from it and never have to think about it ever again. But she also knew things could never be like they were before. The damage was done. And that thought broke her all over again. "How are we ever gonna get past this?" she asked in the softest pleading whisper. She sagged against the cold, hard window, fighting giving in to Cas's warm presence behind her. "I don't think I can."

Gently, one of his hands came to grasp her shoulder. She shut her eyes and a tear rolled down her cheek. His touch was like water in the desert, like life after death, like promise and hope and healing all in one. He touched her carefully, comfortingly, questioningly, despairingly. Opening her eyes, she turned her head and looked up at him sidelong. When another tear rolled down onto her cheek, he gently brushed it away with his thumb. His hand stayed on her face and his eyes silently searched hers—please don't say you can't, his gaze seemed to beg. And she couldn't run away from him anymore. She turned to him, fingers taking hold of his coat tightly as she shuddered and hid her face in the front of his shoulder. He had already put his arms around her and was holding her close by the time her forehead hit trench coat fabric and his face was turned inward and down toward hers. His arms were tight around her, wordlessly speaking his fear of losing her and he wasn't breathing steadily—he was just as upset as she was. Maybe it was all some huge mistake like he said. He was new at being a human, or like one anyway.

Needing to see him and try to understand what had happened, she she pulled back a little and looked up at him through teary vision. They were close. Noses almost brushing. With a sorrowful expression on his face, Cas gently moved his hand and swept the backs of his fingers against one of her tear-stained cheeks. How could she resist him when he touched her and looked at her like that? She couldn't.

Like magnets, they were helplessly drawn into each other's atmosphere and compelled to kiss each other softly, anxiously, briefly. That kiss was question they wordlessly asked each other as emotional agony made them mutually ragged and weak. Maybe they didn't find the answer they had been looking for in that first kiss because Cas's hands both came to hold either side of her face and he kissed her again in slowness and care and harrowing uncertainty. When his lips left hers by the space of an inch, she followed him and kissed him in a way that matched how he'd just kissed her. Their lips fell away from the other's only briefly before they kissed each other in rising distress. They were both out of words and close to emotional collapse and as such, these soft stolen kisses between them did not remain soft and weak and miserable. They became impassioned and despairing and heavy and mindless. Cas and Alex quickly grew breathless and noisy as they made out like there was no tomorrow. Maybe there wasn't. The fervor of it all—bodies molded tight, hands clutching desperately, mouths tangled together in passion—made Cas whimper quietly into her mouth and crush her even closer with tightening hands. And then Alex abruptly stopped them. "No, no," she said, pushing him away as her eyes refused to look into his. The physical high she got from him was a distraction and it didn't change what had happened. She said as much. "This doesn't fix anything." But she sure as hell wished it did.

She walked away into the middle of the attic as she scrubbed her face with her hand. Being close to him was her downfall and she refused to let herself be taken advantage of any longer.

Cas stood by the window with crestfallen shoulders. "I'm sorry," he whispered. She could hear how he was beating himself up internally over everything and it killed her. He was getting more and more frustrated and it was audible. He obviously had no idea how to approach what was happening to them. Hell, neither did she. "Alex… I love you," he pleaded, out of anything else to say. "You know that I love you." When she said nothing and didn't turn around to face him, he became faintly panicked. "Don't you?"

Maybe he thought he loved her. But would love really do what he had? Even as she was thinking about all the bad things he'd done, other things flooded her mind. The beautiful and selfless things he'd carried out not just for her but for her family… the unrestrained and pure way he'd loved her in less complicated times. She thought about the day he'd married her and she was near tears again. "I don't know what to think," she admitted wretchedly, putting her face into a defeated hand.

Her words cut him to the quick. "How can you say that?" he asked in the softest and most injured voice he had ever spoken with. Physical pain washed over Alex at that tone and she stifled a sob into her hand—it tightened like a claw over the whole of her face and she squeezed even harder, trying to feel physical pain instead of emotional pain. "Nothing in all of creation means what you mean to me."

It didn't work. She sobbed out loud and her shoulders shook when he said that. She believed him and it hurt her because to be loved so deeply and yet let down so hard… she couldn't understand it. "I just wish to god you had told me, Cas," she managed miserably. "Were you ever gonna tell me?"

"Yes," he replied immediately and earnestly. "Of course I was."

She didn't know how to believe him on that count. She turned a little and looked at him sadly. "When?"

His eyes fell. "Once it was all over." He breathed out heavily as he fought away deep, visible sadness. He sounded so lost. "It made sense to me at the time and now I don't know…" He looked up again and studied her tear-soaked face, her red nose, her swollen eyes. He looked more and more pained at her distress. "I don't know," he repeated.

What was done was done. And they both knew that. In the silence, with so much distance between them, Alex felt like she was witnessing the end of something. The death of something beloved and beautiful. She faltered into a certain kind of hopelessness. No matter how much she loved him and wanted him, she couldn't allow what he had done. She couldn't forgive it or excuse it. It was too much. "Y-you should have told me in the beginning," she managed, thinking about how much could have changed if he hadn't insisted on lying to her for so long. He'd had every opportunity to tell her the truth and he hadn't until he'd been given no other choice. It broke her heart all over again and probably would forever. The day when they decided to get married bore down on her mind relentlessly and she didn't know if anyone had ever been as hurt as she was right now. "I thought you were different," she accused as the tears began again. "I thought I could trust you more than anyone else on earth, and now…" Now she couldn't. This moment felt like every sad song she'd ever heard and every ending of every tragic love story she'd ever read. It was the end. Just like Dean said. It had to be over.

Cas seemed to realize where this was going and as such, began to respond with quickening desperation. "I'll make this right somehow," he promised in alarm, coming closer and trying to change her mind. "I'll do whatever you ask," he continued, taking hold of her by either arm. When she looked away and smashed her lips in together, Cas grew even more pleading. "Please, Alex, I am begging you—! Find it within yourself to forgive me, I will never make the same mistake again, please."

She kept staring off to the side as her unblinking eyes filled with glassy tears. She dug deep and remained relatively blank. "I don't think you will either," she said softly, disassociating almost. "Because I don't think I can do this with you anymore, Cas."

Her words seemed to sock him in the stomach. Left breathless and at almost volume zero, Cas's hands loosened on her in disbelief. "…What?"

She pulled out of his arms and walked past him to the window, trying to stay outwardly hard. "Just leave," she said in a quiet and wavering voice. Before I break down for real. Before I beg you to stay. Before I let my weakness take over. Before I change my mind. Cas stood there in gaping, mystified horror. When he didn't leave and didn't even move, Alex snatched up the penny necklace from the sill and whirled on him. "I said leave!" she shouted, flinging the penny at him. He caught it just barely, not even sure what it was until he looked into the palm of his hand. When he saw what she had thrown, he looked up at her with the most speechlessly dismayed expression she had ever seen.

Before either of them could say anything more, the top stair creaked and Sam appeared. He didn't look surprised at all or confused about what was going on. In fact, he looked grim and determined and he set his sights on the angel as he entered. "Cas," he acknowledged lowly, threateningly. "How about you do what my sister asked you to do?" When Cas faltered and looked from Sam to Alex with severely reluctant bewilderment, Sam stepped into Cas's line of sight. "Leave," he commanded, standing between his sister and the angel protectively. Cas closed his fist around what had been thrown at him and after a moment more he wordlessly complied with an unreadable expression on his face.

When he disappeared, Sam drew in a deep breath, cast his gaze around carefully, then seemed satisfied that they were alone once more. He turned around and looked at Alex, who was withdrawn and upset and eyeing him dubiously. She had wanted Cas to go but she also hadn't at all. "How long were you out there?" she asked in a flat voice as she tried to smash down her feelings and hide herself from her twin.

Sam's mouth tightened in an almost sympathetic expression. "The whole thing."

The whole thing? Was nothing private or sacred around here anymore? Alex crossed her arms and sank down in defeat onto the bed as she struggled to channel all of the emotions she was feeling. She was so not in good shape right now. What if he never came back? Was it really was over? She wanted him to fight for her, she wanted him to prove himself, she wanted to be in his arms again. She wanted to punch him in the face, she wanted to kick his ass, she wanted to put her arms around his neck and cry forever, she wanted him to fuck off and never come around again, she wanted him to bring her the penny back and beg her forgiveness some more.

How could she want such contradicting things so strongly and all at once?

Sam wasn't leaving and Alex looked up at him again. For a second she'd almost forgotten that he was there. She made a face that asked a rude 'what?' She cracked off a curt question to him. "You here to bitch at me some more?"

He didn't return her sentiment of sarcasm and rudeness. "No," he said softly, then surprised her. "I came to say I'm sorry." He was pretty reluctant about it, but went for it anyway: "What I said… didn't need to be said like that. I blew up."

Guarded and mistrustful, Alex didn't respond to his empathetic demeanor, only gave him a mistrustful, resentful glance.

"I should have been more understanding," Sam continued hesitantly. Alex tried not to care either way, because she couldn't afford to let herself feel much more at this point or she would come apart. "I shouldn't have said all that stuff to you and I know that," Sam said quietly. He looked down and swallowed. His expression was pretty damn emotional and he tried a soft laugh to make himself sound less disturbed. "I'm just… really upset."

Looking away in embarrassment and rising emotional duress, Alex was terse and stood up fast, trying to bully him into leaving almost. "How you think I feel?" she snapped rudely, then set her jaw tightly and crossed her arms, walking the length of the bed before she turned her back on her brother and slunk off a few steps. "Go away, Sam. I don't wanna talk to you. To anyone."

Sam contemplated her for a couple seconds then spoke in his gentlest tone of voice. "Call me crazy… but I don't think you should be alone right now."

She said nothing. Because she couldn't. The dam was giving away and out came the realization that she had just broken up with Cas. She struggled to breathe for a couple seconds as it hit her. Oh my god. Her hands flew up to cover her face as she began to weep so much that she couldn't stand up straight anymore. Before she could fall to her knees or anything like that, she felt Sam turning her around and pulling her into a hug that effectively kept her on her feet. "Hey, hey," he soothed anxiously, patting her back and petting her hair and holding her steadily as she sobbed. She hung on and cried her fucking heart out. Clearly alarmed, Sam tried to calm her down. "Hey," he appealed softly. "It's gonna be okay."

"No it's not," she blubbered hysterically. "You were right, you were right." Alex struggled to breathe right as she cried so hard that she coughed and sobbed and gasped. Her nose ran and the skin around her eyes was beginning to feel raw. "Why am I so stupid?"

Sam held her by both arms and tried to pull back and get her to look at him. "Alex, Alex, stop," he said urgently, getting really worried over her state. "Just breathe, just breathe."

With screwed-shut eyes and weak legs, she dug fingers into his arms and tried to do what he said. In, out, in, out. Just breathe. After a few seconds of that, Sam guided her over to the bed and sat down with her, putting his arm around her shoulder, waiting for her to calm down. He kept urging her to just breathe and after upwards of thirty seconds the more intense tears slowly abated but the grief remained. When she was quieted again, Sam finally spoke again with utmost brotherly gentleness. "You're not stupid." He looked at her in deeply concerned earnestness and his arm, still around her, tightened. "You know, in this life most people get jaded and tired and stop believing in things." He managed to smile at her sadly. "You hoping for the best and believing in the idea of a future… that's not stupid. It's brave."

She didn't feel brave at all, but Sam's attempt was still kind and she recognized it as such. But she still couldn't understand how love had turned out to be the sharpest dagger of all. "Why is it like this?" she asked in a voice that was scratchy and hoarse. She looked to her slightly-older brother and felt like he was years wiser and smarter than her, like she was a dumb baby. "Why didn't anyone ever tell me how much it hurts?"

Sam rubbed her upper arm a couple times with somber encouragement. He looked down, maybe reflecting on his own pains that haunted him. "I dunno. No one told me, either." He looked at her sadly and squeezed her upper arm so lightly. "I'm sorry this had to happen to you, Al. I really am." He hardly ever called her that.

She sniffed a little, rubbed the raw end of her nose shamelessly as she tried to wrap her head around what had happened. "Sam, what was I thinking?" she asked, and she was asking it to herself more than anything else. She was trying to understand how she could have ever believed this would work forever and how she could have been such a grade-A fool. "Happily ever after? A normal life?" She managed the softest and most cynical little laugh-sound to cover up another little sob. "Babies?" She scoffed at herself through the pain because in her most secretive moments, she had daydreamed about starting a family with Cas. Maybe it was biologically ingrained, maybe it was her naive and idealistic side… but despite everything she had pictured Castiel as the father to her children. Stupid. How could she have ever even let herself entertain that thought for a second? She should have known her love life would crash and burn like everything else. "Yeah right." Sam had gone stiff beside her when she said 'babies' and was making a face she wasn't sure of, a face that abruptly made her worry, a face that momentarily made her forget herself. "…What?" she asked slowly, cautiously. He didn't say, he just faltered and began to look more and more uncomfortably distressed. His face drained of color and his eyes dodged around on the ground inexplicably. Alex started to get really weirded out. "Sam, what?"

Sam shook his head and tried too hard to look fine. He tried to shake it off, shrug it away. "N-nothing." He took his arm away from her and Alex squinted at him deeply. She'd known him since they were conceived. And he wasn't fooling anyone with the 'nothing' act.

"It's not nothing," she said skeptically, and the way Sam's face tightened confirmed it all over again. He looked suddenly flighty, like he wanted to escape. "What is it?" she asked, and he abruptly stood up.

"Look, I gotta… it's not…" he stood there and put a hand on his face, let out a shuddering breath. "I'm fine, it's fine, don't worry about it."

Alex stood too, getting more and more worried because the more he said the clearer it was that something was wrong with him. "What's wrong?"

Sam looked at her with the most pained eyes she had ever seen and he struggled a minute, obviously contemplating leaving. And then he didn't. Pale, drawn, and appearing years younger than his age of twenty-nine, he began to explain. "I, I didn't wanna tell you," he said softly, and Alex felt a small, growing ball of dread at the tone in his voice. "But… w-when Lucifer possessed you—afterward, when I took over he—he showed me…" Sam stopped mid-sentence and shut his eyes, breathed out through his nose. His eyebrows worked in together as he fought to explain to his increasingly frightened sister. "He knew stuff about you because… because he possessed you, you know? And, and I guess 'cause Cas was human back then—he… you two… you were… there was… there was…" he trailed off, unable to finish his sentence.

Alex frowned, not getting it at all. What the hell was Sam talking abou—

And then it hit her. Sam stiffening when she said the word 'babies.' There was a what? A baby? She stepped back slightly, eyes widening in disbelief. "No there wasn't," she breathed out in horror. When he just looked at her in silent confirmation, she got even more terrified. No. He couldn't mean what she thought he meant.

Sam looked down, appearing to be regretting what he'd just told her. "You were only a, a couple days along," he said quietly in a voice wracked by pain. Alex stared as her mind spun. A couple days along? That wasn't possible…! No! This wasn't happening right now! Sam kept talking and his voice sounded far away. "Lucifer threw it in my face, taunted me about it…" his voice cracked. "How she was dead the second he got his claws in you."

Alex looked up as a typhoon of pain hit her in every atom. "…She?" Her voice broke as that single word gave life and identity to a child she had never known had existed, however fractionally. She realized she was staggering backwards and collapsing to sit on the bed as she stared into space and forgot how to breathe. She shook her head blankly as she tried to make sense of this. "No." Her voice was the softest tear-choked whisper.

"I remembered last week," Sam explained miserably. He had quiet tears in his eyes now too. "Out of nowhere. I'm… I'm so sorry. I didn't wanna tell you. Maybe I shouldn't have." He looked at her and stayed where he was, pinched the bridge of his nose in an attempt to compose himself. "That's why I've been so mad at Cas, like… how could he let that happen to you?"

Dreadful silence filled the room and Alex thought that she didn't know how to feel anymore. In a single day, her world had been absolutely fucking shattered to goddamn pieces. Physically numb as her heart beat hard enough in her chest to smash its way out, she struggled to hold onto the world by grabbing a fistful of bedspread. This had to be a joke. All of it. The entire thing. No, no…

"I-I told you to leave," Sam said softly, and Alex looked up, dazed. What? Then she realized he wasn't talking to her.

Castiel was standing in the room again near Sam. From the way he looked at her, Alex knew he'd heard everything. She needed him so bad. Forget everything else, she needed him. She barely had the strength to move a limb and yet she tried to stand up and go to him. He was already halfway across the distance to her and falling into a kneel in front of her where she sat on the bed. She hugged his neck hard and broke down as his arms locked around her.

Sam hesitated, then did the respectful thing. "I'll... be at the bottom of the stairs," he said quietly, a warning to Cas and a reminder to Alex.

She was barely listening. Her brother was gone and his footsteps were fading but she was lost in a world of torment. She'd been pregnant. They had created a child and they had never even known at all. "How, Cas?" she sobbed into the side of his neck. "How?" She hadn't even had her period at that time.

"I… I don't know," he said softly. He sounded every bit as shell-shocked and grieved as she was. "I didn't know of this." His arms tightened on her and his head turned inward, he buried his face into the side of her neck. "I… I didn't know."

She had regretted her decision to say yes to Lucifer for every reason in the world before. But now, to find out the spark of life that had been created was snuffed out by doing that? She didn't know if she could live with herself now. Everything had changed in the span of one single day for her and she felt lost completely and forever. "Oh, Cas, I can't take this, I can't." Her fingers dug into his coat as she wept. "It's too much."

---

At the foot of the stairs Sam Winchester sat and regretted what he had just told his sister. He had been determined not to let it slip, but in that moment he'd had to tell someone what he'd been carrying. It haunted his dreams and his waking, it harrowed him without ceasing… he wished he hadn't remembered at all.

But he did remember. The time Lucifer had possessed him and told him of his sickening plans for the new race of beings on planet earth. Sam couldn't unsee what he'd been about to do to his sister at Lucifer's hand—he couldn't forget that horror for a second. But then there was the other knowledge that the devil divulged. That Alex had been pregnant at the time of possession. Only a day or two along. And being the cruel creature that he was, Satan showed Sam the future that was supposed to befall Alex and Cas. He said that if Sam did his bidding, maybe he could 'pull a few strings' and get that future back on track.

In a blur of moments that felt real, Sam had seen his sister and Castiel with a dark-headed baby girl with brilliant blue eyes who turned into a boisterous toddler. He'd seen Cas in jeans and a flannel shirt lifting this toddler girl up above his head as she squealed with laughter and called him daddy. He'd seen her running to Alex laughing raucously. "Mommmmyyyy! Save me from da monster in closet! Chop him head off!" It must have been a game they played. Sam saw himself protesting in good humor as his niece pinned a ridiculous amount of bows into his hair. "Why it long if you not gonna put bows in it?" she asked matter-of-factly. Sam watched this little girl become a pre-schooler and get in trouble for hitting a boy. "Unca-Dean tolded me to hit boys if dey talk mean me," she had said in her defense. Her uncle Dean gave her a thumbs up and an approving wink even as everyone else gave him a look of chagrin.

But that little girl would never exist now. The only existence she would ever have was in Sam's mind.

Sam bowed his head into his hand.

They had named her Lily.

---

Author's Notes: I didn't drop many hints about the miscarriage and lost baby because no one knew it except Lucifer and then Sam, who forgot it by supernatural means. At the time when Alex conceived, Cas was powerless and couldn't sense that small spark of life. By the time he was returned to full power, it was too late and none of them knew.