Song Remains the Same

by R. W. Winters

For Alex Winchester, normal has never been in the equation. Mute since the nursery fire, she grew up on the road chasing ghosts with her brothers and father. When her voice is inexplicably restored and the angel Castiel appears claiming to be her guardian, both of their lives change forever in ways that Heaven and Earth never expected. Castiel/OFC. Sisfic - S4-9 - Alternate Ending.

81. All Comes Crashing Down

Song Remains the Same

Chapter 81 / All Comes Crashing Down

"Life is not a movie. Good guys lose. Everybody lies.
And love does not conquer all."
- Buddy Ackerman

---

"Son of a bitch, son of a bitch—!"

Dean dragged his hand down across his mouth as he paced back and forth hard and fast and worried. His mind was spinning out of control as he kept picturing Cas disappearing out of thin air with Alex over and over again. He had never felt so powerless in all his life.

Underneath a stark, buzzing light in the hospital parking lot, Sam had his phone to his ear and was ramrod straight as he waited anxiously for the other end of the line to ring. Then his mouth flattened into a line and he yanked the phone away from his ear. "Her phone's off," he reported in a tight voice.

Dean stopped pacing right in front of his brother, his stomach turning again in the sickest dread he'd ever felt. "What is he doing, Sam?" he demanded anxiously. "What the hell is he doing?" Dean was past the point of anger and his chin was trembling as he imagined his sister trying to get away from Cas and having no one there to help her. What was the angel gonna do with her? He jammed a hand through his hair as he stood there unable to think about anything but the look on Alex's face right as Cas had grabbed her. She had been scared. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed softly, about to have a mental breakdown. What if they never saw or heard from her again, what if they never got her back?

Sam was freaking out too, but somehow managed to keep himself together. He grabbed Dean by both upper arms and made his brother look him in the eye. "Calm down, just… we gotta think, Dean."

"Think?" Dean repeated, at the point of a full freakout. "Think about what?! We got nothing Sam! We're five hundred miles from our stuff, the car, our weapons! And Cas could have taken her anywhere, fucking anywhere!" He began to feel lightheaded and woozy and he sounded like a lost, scared, stupid kid to himself. "I shouldn't have let her leave the house, Sam, this is all my fault, I should have gotten my head out of my ass, this is all my fault—"

"Hey, hey," Sam gave Dean a severe, pointed look and his fingers tightened on Dean's arms. "Stay focused." He wet his lips and in typical Sam fashion he tried to keep an open mind. "Maybe—maybe this isn't what it looks like." That was a nice thought but—

"This is exactly what it looks like, Sam!" Dean protested. His heart was beating so damn hard and fast that he thought he was in danger of a conniption. Brain almost short-circuiting because he was trying to figure out a way to get to his sister now, Dean pulled out of his brother's hands and started shouting like a maniac at the sky. "Balthazar! Get down here you bastard, we need your help now!" No one appeared and Dean shouted even louder, getting a couple of concerned and weirded out looks from people nearby. "Cas took our sister, you hear me?!" A too-silent few seconds passed. "Balthazar!" No one came. Dean's voice caught in despair. "I am gonna strangle him…!"

Sam suddenly got a deeply thoughtful look on his face like he was trying to remember something. "Wait, what was the name of that other one?" he asked urgently, and Dean had no idea what he was talking about. "The, the one Cas had watching the house!" Sam prompted, straining to recall specifics. "Samhand-something?"

Oh, shit. That's right. "Samandriel," Dean breathed. Alex had told them about him but they'd never met the guy. It was worth a shot, right? At this point, Dean would try anything. Dean looked upward and said the name louder. "Samandriel?" He had no idea if this angel was friend or foe, he just needed a way to find Cas and Alex now.

In front of them, a surprisingly young looking guy appeared. He was wearing a striped red-and-white shirt and a cap that said Wiener Hut on it. "Hello…" he greeted, seeming a little dubious about why he'd just been summoned.

Dean hadn't expected the uniform and took an uncertain pause. This… this couldn't be right, could it? "…Samandriel?"

"Yes. I'm Samandriel. What can I—" the angel stopped mid sentence when he found himself seized by Dean. Perplexed at the sudden movement, Samandriel frowned and looked at how Dean's hands were clenched into his shirt. "Is… this some kind of greeting?"

Dean tried to shake the angel to no real avail. "Your boss took our sister, where is she?!"

Samandriel seemed startled at the tone as well as the content of the sentence spoken. "…Excuse me?"

"Cas kidnapped Alex," Sam explained intently, pulling on his brother and trying to get him to back off. "Please. You gotta help us."

Dean let go of Samandriel grudgingly as the angel frowned in thorough confusion. "Kidnapped her? But… why would he do that?" He shook his head, mulling it over then quickly becoming regretful. "I'm sorry. I… I don't know where he is. Castiel removed me from my watcher duties yesterday without explanation. I did notice that he was acting very… oddly when he did so."

That little piece of information only made the brothers more filled with dread. "Well if you don't know where he is, find out!" Dean demanded in a thundering almost-yell.

The very young looking angel eyed Dean cautiously and considered the demand with great amounts of wary trepidation, then shook his head once. "I'm sorry," Samandriel said. "The only thing I can do for you is this."

Even as Dean opened his mouth to ask what 'this' meant, their scenery changed and the brothers found themselves standing in the salvage yard at Bobby's. "...Son of a bitch," Sam murmured, looking around the dark familiar landscape in disconcerted surprise. Samandriel wasn't anywhere to be seen, but they were now with all their tools, weapons, and, most importantly, their car. And that was definitely something.

Dean was staring at the Impala with a mask for a face as he thought hard and fast. "How much holy oil we got left, Sammy?"

Sam swallowed, grim at how real this had just gotten. Their eyes met and Sam's jaw tightened. "Enough."

Of the same mind, the brothers immediately and wordlessly set to work.

---

One second Alex stood outside of a hospital in St. Louis, the next she was in a dim and smallish room that looked like what used to be an office. The ramshackle space was derelict and obviously abandoned and what the hell did he bring me here for?! Alex jerked her arm out of Cas's grip as her confusion wore off and she stepped back from him. In shock over what had just happened (and not even sure what had just happened), she stared at him with wide eyes.

"Where the hell are we?" she breathed, too stunned and surprised to know how to react. "W-what is this?"

Cas was flat and emotionally absent, almost blank. "I am going to prove myself to you."

Chills were crawling up her spine at his tone, his face, everything. She didn't recognize him, almost. This is wrong. Something is seriously wrong with him. Genuine fear touched her and she swallowed thickly, realizing that fear was of him. "Take me back," she said softly, not able to speak loudly. Her voice trembled and she couldn't make it steady. "Right now."

His answer was immediate and even. "No."

She balked at him as more fear and shock raced through her veins. "No?"

He drew in a deep breath, let it out through his nose, then touched her shoulder. She stiffened slightly at the touch, unsure of it. He noticed her reaction and his eyes softened and looked into hers with growing emotion. His touch was gentle, mournful, his voice was quiet and soft. "Wait here," he said, and he sounded much more like himself again, which confused her even more. "I'll explain later. I need you to trust me right now. I am taking care of everything."

He let go and disappeared just like that. "Wh—" Alex sputtered, looking into empty space instead of Cas's eyes. Blinking several times against her dumbfounded daze, Alex turned a circle then raised her voice to a shout. "Cas! Are you crazy!?" Her instincts were saying something was really wrong she had one thought: get the hell out of whenever this is. There was one exit from the room and Alex rushed to it, only to find it locked tight. What, am I a prisoner or something? Stomach churning, her eyes raced up and around the door frame. She cursed under her breath because it was an inward-swinging door so kicking it down wouldn't work. She turned around and ran to the far end of the room, shoving the desk to the wall hard then climbing up on it to peer out of the small rectangle window that was almost at the ceiling. Even if she could have fit through the oddly small and high window, there were bars across it outside. Her stomach dropped. Bars, locked doors? Oh my god, Cas, what is happening right now? What are you doing with me? This wasn't him. This couldn't have been his idea. Even as she jumped down off the desk onto a floor that was littered with debris that crunched underfoot, she pulled out her phone. The signal bar was grayed out and the words No Service were displayed. "Oh come on!" She tried holding it higher, refusing to believe she was really as screwed over as it was beginning to appear.

"I wondered why he destroyed all the cell towers in the area…" Alex turned around fast at the sound of that voice. "Is it bring your spouse to work day?"

Utter hatred coursed through Alex's veins. "You."

Crowley's smug, widening smirk was accompanied by the slightest eyebrow raise. He held his hands out slightly at his sides as if presenting himself to her. "Me."

She saw red and reacted without a single thought. "This is all your fault you fucking bastard!" she screeched, then leapt at him and smashed her fist into his face with a wild and unrestrained sound of rage. She almost fell over from the sloppy momentum she threw into that hit, and Crowley definitely stumbled back.

Now a few feet further back than he'd been, the King of Hell held a hand against his jaw and stared at her balefully as she stood there and heaved breaths like an angered bull. His mouth moved downward into a disgruntled expression. "Yes, good to see you too, I've been fabulous thank you very much." He tested his jaw, eyeing her with clear annoyance. "Do you really have to be so punchy?"

Oh, don't worry. I can do more than punch. Whipping out her angel blade, she promised more than just a sore jaw. "I am going to kill you," Alex seethed, lunging mindlessly. She found herself shoved up against the wall by invisible forces. Her blade went flying and clattered to a stop halfway across the room.

"Darling, get your head out of your ass," Crowley said in forced evenness, his eyes glinting with impatience. "If you think I'm the one to blame… you're dreaming." He raised a pointed finger to wag it at her briefly. "See I forced your little trench coat angel to do zilch. I provided our favorite halo an opportunity to get rich quick, he signed on without any qualms. I'm really not that bad." That smile she hated was returning. "He's the one who just kidnapped you, remember?" He made a brief motion with his hand and she was no longer stuck to the wall. Alex's face twisted in revulsion and she looked down at her angel's blade longingly. It was far out of reach. She despised Crowley so intensely. "Why's he brought you here, anyway?" Crowley asked, eyes narrowed to dangerously thoughtful slits as he sauntered a step or two closer. His gaze swept up and down her studiously. "Last I checked, he wanted me as far away from you as possible… so why the change in his tune, eh?"

That was a damn good question. Alex said nothing, but her anxiety began to return and her anger ebbed. Sam, Dean, Bobby… someone… help. What am I supposed to do?

At that moment, Cas reappeared and when he saw that there was now a demon with Alex, his already dark expression clouded over further. "Crowley." His features showed clear antipathy toward the demon and he stood in a way that seemed shielding—he blocked the space between Crowley and Alex by facing the King of Hell straight on. But strangely, he didn't demand to know what was going on. Instead, he spoke to Crowley about something else. "I have her. She's in the lab."

Pleased surprise flitted across the demon's face. "About time. Guess that's my cue then." Smiling wickedly, Crowley winked at Alex before he disappeared completely.

"Have who?" Alex asked, feeling more and more dread in the pit of her stomach. "Cas, what is going on here?!"

She wanted to believe there was some kind of explanation for what appeared to be kidnap, but as Cas turned around to look her in the eye, she saw how he was glazed-over and blank once more, a mere shell of himself. "Just wait here, Alex," he intoned heavily. "It won't be long now. You'll see."

He disappeared again. "No, Cas, wait—!" she protested uselessly. He didn't return, and she was absolutely confounded. What wouldn't be long? Alex was left standing in that silent and small room with the full and total realization that she really was being held captive. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Blood pressure rising like a siren wail, Alex tried to stay calm. But Cas had locked her in here, premeditated even—! Crowley said he destroyed all the cell towers in the area. How long had he been planning this? Why would he do this? What did he want her to see? Oh, Cas, this is not right. What's happening to you? You would never do this to me. Would you? In denial or maybe just too shocked to cope, Alex kept thinking that this wasn't him. This wasn't Castiel. He was gentle and heartfelt and emotionally timid, respectful and always so worried to do something wrong or hurtful, especially to her. Had the stress and the burden of the war finally cracked him? Or had she never known him at all? Her mind was spinning so fast that she put clenched her hands onto either side of her head in a useless attempt to calm down. Nothing made sense and everything was backwards from how it was supposed to be. Calm down. Just think. Be smart. Get through this. One thing at a damn time, Alex.

That's when she realized she could hear screams echoing up from someplace within the same building. It sounded like a woman. Alex's hands slowly lowered in a dreamlike slow motion. Her spine crawled and her inner voice said get away from here now. No clue what was happening, no idea what had gotten into Cas or who that was screaming bloody murder somewhere nearby, Alex began to tear apart the room in search of a way to escape.

---

Castiel was in the middle of torturing the Purgatory creature called Eleanor—the one he had gone to great pains and lengths to track and capture—when he was summoned away forcibly. Disoriented, he found himself gone from Crowley's lab and instead face to face with Sam Winchester in Bobby Singer's salvage yard. Suspecting where Dean was, Cas glanced behind himself over his shoulder. Sure enough, the oldest Winchester waited silently a few feet off behind him. Both brothers had faces like stone and eyes sharper than knives. Temper flaring at the interruption and the forced summons, Cas was in no mood to be polite. "You two are beginning to grate on my nerves," he muttered lowly, even though he should have guessed this might happen.

"Where is she?" Sam demanded, breathing heavily through his nose as he visibly tried to stay calm. "Where'd you take her?"

So. They were going to try a foolhardy rescue of a sister who needed no rescuing in the first place. "That is none of your concern," Castiel replied darkly. He disliked being treated as the enemy and he just wanted to be left alone until his plans had been achieved. He grew impossibly weary of this tug-of-war.

"Like hell it isn't!" Dean snapped. "Tell us where she is, now!" Cas slowly turned around fully to look at Dean, whose eyes immediately fell to Eleanor's blood spatters on the trench coat. His bravado faltered and quiet fear filled his eyes as his voice weakened. "…Whose blood is that?"

Cas was once again struck by feelings of betrayed trust. "Please, Dean," the angel said, his tone implying Dean was devastating him. And he was. How could he even think what he was obviously thinking? "It belongs to a creature." Dean hid his relief underneath a glare and Cas let out a heavy breath through his nose. "Your sister is safe. With me. I just need you to be patient, wait a few more hours, then you'll all see."

"All see what?" Dean asked, at his wit's end and quickly losing his temper. "As long as she's with you, she ain't safe, now you give her back right now!"

Behind Cas, Sam was circling slowly, almost panther-like in his movements… as if he were getting ready to pounce. Cas's eyes slid sidelong toward Sam and his jaw clenched. "No." Dean looked like he could have breathed fire, but Castiel was no longer accommodating of the threats and bullying. "I tire of your demands and your animosity," he said, stepping forward slightly to confront Dean. "Back off. I won't ask again."

"Oh, you won't ask again?" Dean asked in a dangerously soft voice as he held his ground. "Or what? You gonna kill us? Take us hostage, too?" His voice abruptly hardened and raised in volume to a near-shout. "You can't hold someone against their will, Cas! Especially not my damn sister!"

Cas balked. "I'm not hold—" Flustered, the angel changed rails in the middle of his sentence. "She doesn't know what she wants," he insisted in growing frustration. "She's confused. I have to show her that I'm doing the right thing."

"'The right thing'?" Sam repeated with a near-disgusted scoff. "The one who's confused here is you!" He was eyeing Cas with hard eyes and a mouth drawn into a thin, flat line. "Come on, Cas, this isn't right! You're better than this! You need help." Even though Sam was appealing to Cas, there was a strong note of warning and threat to every part of him: the way he stood, the way he spoke, the way he breathed. "It's not too late. We can fix this." There was an implied 'or else' that Sam did not speak aloud.

"Nothing requires fixing," Cas intoned in a low, impatient voice. His anger was growing and growing because no one understood him in the least or trusted him. "I'm fine."

Dean let out a disbelieving little scoff of a laugh. "You gotta be out of your damn mind," he said. "You are the furthest thing from fine I've ever seen." He drew himself up and there was regret in his eyes, but more than that, grim determination. "Cas, I am not gonna let you do this."

Cas was rueful. Did this mere man really believe he could stand in an angel's way? "You can't stop me, Dean."

And then Dean snatched out a gleaming silver angel blade from his jacket and held it at his side with an iron-tight grip. "My little angel poker says I can." Cas stared at the weapon with a shocked feeling of final betrayal. So, Dean had kept one of those. And now he was threatening Castiel's life (however uselessly) with it.

"You can't be serious," Cas said, looking at the other man in total disbelief.

Dean held the angel's gaze in utmost severity. "As a heart attack."

Inwardly defeated all over again and not sure how this could ever be fixed, Cas shook his head in weary frustration. He knew Dean Winchester was many things—brash, emotional, angry, full of bark and bite alike—but he hadn't thought it would come to this. "Dean, I won't fight you."

"Good," Dean said stiffly. "That'll make this a whole helluva lot easier." Snap. Cas looked toward the soft little sound in confusion and then it was too late. Sam had just lit a match and dropped it to the ground. Cas found himself standing in a circle of flame, too near to the edge and he backed up, self-preservation instincts propelling him. He hadn't anticipated this but instead of saddening Cas, it only angered him. His eyes darted from the licking flames to Dean, who marched the edge of the circle with the blade at his side and a harsh, authoritative glare on his face. "You picked the wrong brothers to piss off, Cas," he said in a low, deadly serious tone. "Now where is she?"

Cas's mouth moved to purse into a flat line. Enough with these thuggish tactics and threats. He had business to attend to, a world to save. The brothers were overreacting and wasting his time. The hour was dire and they were standing in the way of all his plans. "Let me out of here," the angel growled, eyes shifting from either brother and back. "I'm warning you."

Dean's expression darkened further and he used the angel blade as emphasis. "Pal, I'm the one doing the warning right now. You tell me where you took her and maybe I let you walk."

When Cas only stared balefully, Sam lost his patience and exploded into a shout. "Now, Cas!"

Cas lowered and slowed his voice for effect, turned around and stared at Sam with stony eyes. "I said no."

Behind him, he could hear Dean slowly rounding the circle to stand with his brother. Before he had made it all the way, Dean gave the slightest nod to Sam. And Cas was perplexed when Sam abruptly reached into his jacket and pulled out a gun. What could that possibly be for? Even as Castiel wondered that, Sam raised the pistol high and shot the angel. A cracking sound cut through the air right before pain exploded in Cas's shoulder. Cas stumbled back and doubled over with a cry of shock as his hand went to clap over the bullet wound. Mystified, he gaped up at Sam, who looked absolutely baleful and even sickened as he lowered the gun slowly. "Holy oil," he explained in a tight voice. What, had they dredged the bullet in it? Dean looked on with an unreadable expression.

Cas grimaced and moaned against the pain. His arm didn't seem to be working and he was beside himself with surprise at what had just happened. Sam cocked the gun again and looked at the angel, swallowing slowly, the muzzle trained on Cas once more. His anxiety was clear. "I don't wanna shoot you, Cas," he said in earnest resolve. "I don't wanna hurt you. I don't. So tell us where you took her. Now." He was begging at that point, implying that if Castiel didn't do what he said he would kill him.

Cas looked at Dean, who was silent and deadly at his brother's side. That angel blade, sharp as death, glinted wickedly as it caught light from the holy fire. Incredulous in the worst of ways, Castiel looked at Sam and then Dean, not fathoming this moment. He was on their side! He was doing this for them! He was saving the world! He had raised Dean from Hell, he had restored Alex's voice, he had resurrected Sam, he had defied Heaven and subjected himself to this terrible war all for them. And they truly thought he was the villain? "You said we were like brothers," the angel said, not understanding how they could do this to him.

Dean's jaw tightened. "That was before."

Gritting his teeth against pain, Cas stood a little straighter. His arm hung weakly at his side as blood trickled out from the bullet wound but he let go of his shoulder and braced himself physically and emotionally. He had to stop believing these men were his friends, because they clearly weren't. Sad at that thought, Cas shook his head blankly. "I wish it hadn't come to this," he said somberly, feeling so hurt inwardly that he wanted to give up on everything. But he couldn't. This had to be done. He was unsure of how the future would unfold past this or what the consequences of these actions would be, but he was not, as the humans said, a quitter. He could only hope that in time the Winchesters would comprehend his impossible dilemma and thank him for being willing to do what ever was required to prevent the apocalypse from happening. Despite his personal feelings, despite his wavering emotions, he had to do the right thing.

You take the days as they come, Alex had told him once in a motel in nineteen seventy-nine when he had asked how to know how to make choices. You do your best to do the right thing. Because trust me. You won't always know.

This was one of the times he didn't know. But this path was all he had left and he needed it to be the right thing. He needed to prove himself. And most importantly, he needed to save Alex. He refused to let this go until he had done that. So he steeled himself for what he was about to do. He told himself it would be worth it in the very end. "Remember that I gave you every chance," he told the boys grimly. "When this is all over, when I've saved your world and everyone in it, I will save Sam too, even though you insist on betraying and attempting to hurt me."

Sam and Dean's expressions both wavered with confusion. "…Save Sam from wh—"

Before Dean had finished asking, Cas made his move. Telekinetically, he grabbed and yanked a loose, old car door from nearby, slamming it down over the fire separating him from Sam—even as he strode across the metal, Cas knocked Dean down and away with another telekinetic blow and simultaneously sent Sam's pistol flying through the air and away. He'd moved too fast for either brother to react and before he could change his mind, Cas shoved his fingers to Sam's head, breaking the wall in his mind.

Immediately, Sam gave a cry of what sounded like pain and fell down holding his head with both hands, screaming through gritted teeth. Dean rushed to his brother immediately, his weapon forgotten. "Sam! Sammy!" He got no response, only guttural pained moans. "What did you do to him?!" Dean cried, holding his brother on the ground and looking up at Cas in horrified disbelief.

Cas stood and watched regretfully as Sam writhed and convulsed brainlessly in his brother's arms. "What you made me do," he answered flatly, even as he felt enormous guilt and self-loathing for what he had just done. He had never wanted to hurt this family in the slightest. Why had they made him do this? No one forced my hand in this. A sudden thought that he didn't like, because it implied that Castiel was the one in the wrong. He couldn't accept that. It had to be someone else's fault. Cas shut himself down further to feelings and thoughts and gave one final, somber statement before he left: "Do not test me again, Dean Winchester. I will fix him. But you need to stand down."

Without another word, the angel left Dean there with a broken brother and a missing sister and no idea at all of what to do.

---

Cas returned to Crowley's compound and the first thing he did was he went to check on Alex. He found her in the old office room with her back to him. Unaware of his arrival, she was crouched down and looking through the drawers of the old desk, no doubt for some kind of weapon or object that might be used to pick a lock. Normally he would have admired her fighting spirit. But today, it was just evidence that she viewed him as the enemy, too. He'd asked her to trust him and clearly, she did not. Brokenhearted, Cas watched her for a couple seconds more. Then he spoke, his voice lifeless and void. "You can't get out. You really should stop trying."

Very startled, Alex shot to her feet and whirled, backing up against the desk. She was angry and afraid. He could see both of those emotions very clearly. And just when she opened her mouth to no doubt hurl an insult or a demand at him, her eyes caught the wound in his shoulder. Her expression fell and worry flitted across her features. "Oh my god, what happened to you?" Her wide eyes looked into his with vast amounts of puzzled concern. "A-are you okay?"

Normally the show of worry would have touched Castiel. But instead it reminded him of what Sam and Dean had done and anger flared underneath the surface. He looked down at his shoulder. "Your brother shot me." He hesitated, then dug the bullet out with two fingers and then crushed it easily in his hand, tossing it aside with no shortage of insolence.

Alex gaped at the bullet with a horrified expression. "Christ."

"It's all right," Cas said stiffly, distracted by guilty and abhorrent thoughts of what he had done. "They won't interfere again."

His choice of words made her go still. "…What do you mean?" When he did not reply, Alex began to panic. "Cas—did you hurt one of them? Did you do something?" Her eyes went to the bloodstain made by the place Sam had shot him.

"Everything's fine," Cas said, not wanting to tell her the details. And then he realized. Lies. Deception. I can't seem to stop. Everything was not fine. Yet he wanted her to believe it was to keep her from being even more angry with him. Crushed at himself and his lack of ability to be who he thought he was (honest, kind, good), Cas looked away and down.

Alex drew herself up a little, swallowed, and visibly steeled herself. "Okay. You know what?" Her voice wavered in confidence. "Enough is enough. L-let me go." When he said nothing, disbelief and anxiety etched her face. "You can't just keep me here…!" Again, he said nothing. Why wouldn't she just give him a chance? He didn't know. She was asking to leave again. "Please, just take me to my brothers, please."

Cas shook his head grimly, wishing she would make this easier for him. "Not yet. I want you to see something."

Alex was alarmed. "See what?"

Cas's eyes were grave and his voice was even, paced, measured. "See that you're wrong about me. That you're all wrong. I want you to see me take the final step to defeating Raphael. You told me that I should have included you in this before. So, now I am." In a way, he thought that maybe he could logic her back into loving and trusting him. In a way, he thought that perhaps all he had to do was correct what he'd done wrong before to earn back her good graces. But in a deeper part of himself, the truest and most honest place he possessed, he already knew it was too late and she would never feel the same about him. That was why he was in such deep denial. He quite literally couldn't handle the thought of her actually leaving him.

Alex was already shaking her head no slowly in growing speed at his declaration. "Cas, I want no part of this," she said, face screwing up in an expression that seemed to appeal to him and imply he was crazy all at once. "Crowley? Purgatory…?"

Disappointed on every level, Cas was quieted and miserable. "If you loved me, you would trust me in this." It was both an accusation and a demand.

Alex had an answer for him. "No." Her reply was immediate and impassioned, trembling as she continued on. "You're wrong. Love isn't stupid. It's not being blind, it's not…" she searched for a way to word it, "letting each other walk into a fire! I'm not gonna BS you and tell you what you wanna hear, I'm gonna tell you the truth, like it or not! This is dangerous as hell and every instinct I have is telling me this is gonna backfire so bad. Cas, please. Listen to me, this is insane! You're smarter than this, you're—"

"Enough, Alex." He cut her off with a voice that was louder and harder than he meant for it to be. Regretting his lack of control, Cas tried to get a handle on himself. But he had truly reached his capacity for being told he was wrong. There was a limit, and he felt himself being stretched taut like a rubber band emotionally. Any tighter and he might snap into pieces. Maybe that showed on his face. Or maybe it was the way he had so gruffly interrupted her. Either way, what she said next gave him what he believed was called a 'reality check.'

"Cas." Her voice broke even though she was all but whispering. "You're scaring me right now."

His feelings shifted immediately and the resentment and bitterness fell away as he saw her in gentle, familiar light. His Alex, the one he treasured above all else. And he was frighting her? That confession from her lips ruined him—he'd seen it earlier, but to hear her say as much was terrible. "That was never my intention," he said, filled with a sadness he didn't know if he could survive. Had she, like her brothers, truly given up on him? Left with pieces on the ground, Cas struggled to know how to pick them back up. "I'm… I'm so sorry. I'm trying my best here."

For a moment, they were them. Alex reached out to him emotionally, chancing everything. "Cas. I am begging you not to do this."

A soft, quiet pause. "And I am begging you to trust me," he returned in a pain-filled voice. He wished he could do what she wanted, he wished he could agree, but this was the only way. He understood her reservations about his methods but why in Heaven and on earth could she not understand that this was the lesser of two evils? The better of two disasters? This was an impasse. Because they both refused to move from their respective stances, her eyes began to shine and Cas's chest constricted. He couldn't take the sight of her upset like that. "Don't cry. Please." He chanced drifting a little closer to her, he chanced a gentle touch to the side of her face. His voice dropped to an earnest whisper and he told her the only thing that made sense to him anymore. "Alex, I love you." Didn't she see that? Know that? Feel that? It hurt to put his feelings on the line and not know hers.

Her watery eyes looked into his and he saw how she struggled. He thought for just a moment she was going to nod and say she was going to trust him in this, that she loved him too—that was what his entire being longed for. But then her stubbornness and doubts won out and she abruptly became hard-faced and combative. She pushed his hand away by the wrist, hard. "Get away from me. You are not allowed to touch me, do you understand? Let me out of here!"

Let down all over again, Cas's feelings of hope dissipated into something darker. The bitterness reared back up with a vengeance and he lost his softness. "Not until you believe me."

Cynical and inauthentic, she faked a tight little smile. "Fine. I believe you."

Cas suppressed a feeling of resentment at her rude and curt attitude. "You have to mean it."

Alex looked at him sadly, like she didn't know him, like she was somehow above him. "You have lost your damn mind."

Another low blow. It seemed that everyone had told him this recently, that he had lost his mind. Disliking hearing that again, he almost glared at her. "And just what would you do in my situation?" he challenged.

For a few seconds, she could make no reply. Then she looked down and shook her head once and slowly. "Not this." She wet her lips and he recognized that she was thinking hard. "Look, you keep saying this is the only way but I mean—have you really considered all the options? Why not lure Raphael into that alternate universe where angels were human and shoot him or knife fight him? Kill him how I killed Daniel and Virgil?" Cas blinked a couple times. He hadn't thought of that. But luring the archangel could prove impossible. Even as he was mulling that over, Alex was throwing out more suggestions. "Find a way to lock him in the cage with Michael and Lucifer, or, or find some spell that weaken an archangel, I don't know—! But Cas. This is dangerous not only for planet earth but for you. I don't want you to get hurt." Cas shook his head mildly, heaving a heavy breath and expelling it slowly. He had no reply for her and barely noticed her concern over him. This plan that he'd chanced everything on was so close to being realized. Purgatory was going to be cracked open that very night. He couldn't chance the fate of the world on a half-brewed tactic. Alex saw that and visibly disheartened, she contemplated him with growing sadness and confusion. "So you won't stop what you're doing. You're gonna keep going with this thing."

He had said as much repeatedly and he wished he could give her what she wanted, but this was a time that needs triumphed wants. "I've already told you that I am."

Hurt, disbelief, resentment, anger—all of those emotions flitted across Alex's face. Anger won out and burst out of her in a small explosion. "I have had it up to here with you Castiel!" she shouted, and Cas was so very reminded of Dean in that moment because of the way her face moved, her voice thundered, even the way she held herself. But unlike Dean, she shouted that with helpless tears shining in her eyes. "Take me to my family. I am not asking you!"

Wishing he had another way, Cas shook his head once, regretful. He couldn't look at her currently. "I'm sorry. Not yet." There had been a time when she had desired to spend time with him above all else. There had been a time when she believed in him with every fiber of her being. There had been a time when he wouldn't have ever taken her like he had. But he had never truly known desperation until now. When Alex saw that he was flatly refusing to take her to her family, she turned away from him pointedly and put her back to him. Cas's heart ached and for what felt like the thousandth time that day. "Please," he begged. "Don't forsake me. Not now. I need someone to believe in me. I need you to believe in me." She said nothing at all and Cas felt his insides darken with some monstrous feeling he couldn't control. It felt ugly, it felt strong, it felt betrayed. At her continued and intentional silence, discontented anger ran through his veins in increasing measure. Because of that, he said something very thoughtless and selfish in a bullying attempt to make her reply to him. "You should speak to me. I gave you the ability after all."

She turned around, giving him a look that was reserved only for those who stepped over the line and deserved her wrath. "I don't owe you a damn thing," she growled. Abruptly, a derisive smile cooled her face. "You forgetting something, Cas? I saw everything in that soul touch." The smile was gone in favor of an expression of stone. "It's your fault I was mute to begin with."

Cas felt slapped across the face with the truth. He had neglected to realize she would have remembered that when he restored her memories last night. It was as though the final and impossibly painful straw had been added to the burden cracking Castiel's proverbial back and to see her looking at him as though he were someone she despised was too much. He left without another word, sickened and more focused than ever on doing the task that was set before him.

Robotic, Cas went to Crowley's side and continued to torture Eleanor for the way to open Purgatory. Even as he went through the motions, he felt as though he were standing beside himself and watching someone else at work. Around him, the world felt like it was coming down. His heart was cut open and bleeding out and he stacked stones around it to try and protect himself further from damage. He became an absolute machine, putting all his focus on to the task at hand, trying to forget that nearby the woman he loved and had promised to always honor and cherish was locked away like a prisoner.

---

Three Hours Later
Sioux Falls, South Dakota

Dean was with his brother in the panic room, the one place in the house he felt could truly be angel-proofed after Balthazar broke in last night with a rock through the window. Sam was motionless on the cot and had been unresponsive for close to three hours now. Sitting nearby and asking Sam's name every few minutes, Dean was a mess. His knee jiggled up and down and his mind was racing doggedly. He'd done everything he could have done with the circumstances given. Called Bobby, called Jamie, called every damn hunter he could think of and asked them to keep their eyes out for anything that could be related to Cas and his whereabouts. Jamie had actually still been close enough to the hospital where everything happened that she u-turned and went back to see about trying to trace Cas off of his last known whereabouts. Unfortunately she called back with bad news of no success and Dean was left to stay at his brother's side and wonder what the hell Cas had done to him. Sam was breathing normally and his pulse was normal but he was completely zonked. He'd seized a few times without warning, unconscious the entire time. Dean was absolutely beside himself with worry. If Cas had done this to Sam, what was he going to do to Alex? And how the hell was Dean supposed to find them?

Catching the sound of approaching footsteps, Dean sat up straight and fast. Relief surged through him as Bobby came into view and entered the panic room. The older hunter was clearly anxious. "I burned rubber," he said, his worried eyes on Sam. "How is he?"

Dean had gotten up the second Bobby stepped foot into the panic room. "Thank god you're here," he said, already grabbing his jacket up from where it had been mindlessly tossed earlier. As he slung it on, he was already thinking two steps ahead, barely even cognizant of his surroundings or Bobby's stumped expression. "You stay with him, I'm gonna go find my sister, if you need anything or if Sammy wakes up, call me and—"

"Whoa whoa whoa," Bobby stopped him lightly with two hands from exiting the panic room. "…You got any leads? You got any clues?"

Dean's urgency faltered. "Well no, but—" that didn't matter. Waiting around and doing nothing while his youngest sibling was in danger and in need of help was not okay. "I can't just sit here, Bobby! I've gotta do something! Sam's a vegetable and Al's out there somewhere with an angel headcase who went off the deep end from hell! I can't let this happen, I gotta find her!"

Bobby managed to keep his cool somehow. "I know. But don't lose your head. Not now." He was dire and focused to a strange, grim level Dean hardly recognized. And then he dropped the bombshell. "Dean, we got right at an hour 'til they pop Purgatory. The twins are down for the count and you best not think about joining them, you hear me? I need you." Dean was gaping. An hour? What…? Bobby explained. "Was gonna tell ya over the phone but you hung up on me, remember? Ell… she… she called me. Sounded real bad, I doubt she's still alive to be honest with ya from the way she sounded. Said an angel and demon got her, tortured her for info on how to open the door to Purgatory. Said she told 'em everything. Said they're doing a ritual on the full moon. That's soon, Dean. One hour from now soon."

"Shit, Bobby! An hour?" His heart was racing and he thought he might have a heart attack. Everything was gone and broken and they only had a fucking hour to work with?! Lost, alarmed, totally out of his element, Dean was left to grasp at straws and begin having a slight mental breakdown. "What… what the hell do we do? We got no line on Crowley, we got no line on Cas, Balthazar's MIA, Samandriel won't answer, Alex is god know's where—I mean, all we've got is Sam and he's in some kind of coma or something!"

Bobby took him by the shoulders. "Dean." Calm down. Dean got that unspoken part of the sentence and obeyed, forcing himself to take a second and just breathe. He pinched the bridge of his nose as Bobby let go of him. "You know, this is exactly what Cas wants," his uncle said in gentle understanding. "For you to fall to pieces."

"Well good job Cas, you got me!" Dean shouted, half at Bobby, half at the universe.

Bobby was displeased. "Hey. It's not over 'til it's over. You hear me?" Fatherly, the older hunter lectured the younger one. "Don't give up. We keep calling angels, we see if we can maybe—"

"Hello, boyscouts." The two men turned in surprise at the accented voice. Balthazar stood there at the entrance of the panic room, and he was as playboy douchebag as ever. "You rang? I see you mudfish finally got the angel-proofing right." He pointed to Sam because he was unable to enter the panic room thanks to the warding. "How's Sleeping Beauty? You didn't steal any kisses, I trust?"

Dean saw red. "What the hell took you so long?" he demanded, approaching the angel fast. "I called you man, I called you a hundred million times!"

In a rare show of earnestness, Balthazar didn't crack a joke or make a snide remark. "Honestly? I was having second thoughts. About whether to help you or not." His eyes flickered to Bobby and then back to Dean. "I've heard that people who help the Winchesters have this nasty habit of dying. And well, personally… I like being alive."

Fed up and very aware that time was ticking away fast, Dean tried to make himself be patient. "Just—just shut up," he commanded, needing to know one thing and one thing only: "Are you gonna help us or not?"

Balthazar seemed to think better of his decision "Well…" he sighed and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it over to Dean. Taking the scrap, Dean peered at it with confusion. An address in Kansas was written on it with messy handwriting and Dean's heart leapt. Was this…? He looked up at Balthazar for confirmation. Balthazar was nodding gravely. "Cas and Crowley are there. So's the other Wondertwin." Dean's already-jackhammering heart rate doubled as adrenaline began to surge and focus began to overcome him. "That's where the show gets started."

"Kansas," Dean said in a tight, authoritative voice as he looked down at the address once more. Bootbock, Kansas. It was several hundred miles from there but luckily they had a ride on the angel express. "Okay. Good. Yeah." Dean was beginning to feel determined again at deadly levels. Take my sister and break my brother and see what the hell comes your way. He stood straighter, felt stronger, and knew what to do again. "Alright, give us a minute to pack up and then zap us there."

That was when Balthazar started to back off. "Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't think so."

Dean bristled. "Balthazar, you son of a bitch, if you don't—

"I'm betraying a friend here," Balthazar said loudly and firmly. "A very powerful friend. We all are." His voice softened and Dean saw how the angel was truly afraid and wary of Cas. "So, I think I've stuck my neck out far enough already."

"No, no, hold on, listen to me!" Dean protested, at the point of shamelessly pleading. This was their only shot. "Cas has lost his mind, do you hear me! He freaking took my sister, and if he hurts her, if something happens… come on! Please! I am begging you, Balthazar! I'll do anything you ask, you hear me? Anything. I gotta get to her, now." Balthazar was silent and reluctant but not heartless, and everything Dean said made him more and more reluctant. Dean tried every card he had. "Look what he did to Sam!" He threw an arm out at Sam's massive and stock-still form on the bed. Balthazar's eyes followed the gesture and Dean tried his last appeal. "Alex aside, Purgatory's getting cracked in t-minus an hour, so unless you get us there, we can't stop it!"

There was a long, somber pause in which Balthazar tensely weighed his options and then shook his head at himself like he couldn't believe what he was about to do. "All right, fine. I'll put you a mile or two out from the place, just to be on the safe side. And—" he groaned at himself like he was annoyed, rolled his eyes at the sky. "Bloody hell—I'll try and get your little princess out too, all right?" He pointed at Dean like he was mad at him. "You had better be worth all this trouble. I don't even know why I'm helping you. I'm blaming the shipment of Grey Goose I drank to try and talk myself out of giving you that sodding address." Chagrined, he shook his head at himself again. "Get your things. We don't have all night."

---

Cas led a very sullen and stone-faced Alex through Crowley's compound and into the main laboratory. She followed him cautiously as he'd asked, and he was honestly surprised she hadn't tried to run yet. He'd told her it was time to see what he had brought her there to see, and that was all. In all honesty, he felt so far-removed from his ability to feel and to love that he was almost angry with her for being there, even though he was the one who had demanded this and forced her to come.

Finally, she spoke up as they entered the large lab. "What is this place?" Her eyes took in the gurneys, the blood splattered floor near the chair Eleanor had been tied to, the various old contraptions that were still in place from when this place had been a functioning establishment.

"It was a mental asylum," Cas answered stiffly.

Her gaunt face twitched with a sarcastic little expression. "Wow. Irony."

Cas frowned at her deeply. "What do you mean?" Was she implying yet again that he was insane?

Alex looked away and refused to tell him. "Nothing."

"Well well. If it isn't the lovebirds." Crowley sauntered in, and in his hand he held a jar of bright red blood. He offered it to Cas as Alex watched in baffled suspicion. Cas took the jar and looked it over carefully. "Your Purgatory power-shake, Monsieur," Crowley announced. "Half monster, half virgin." He winked at Alex then smiled in great self-pleasure at the angel and the hunter in turn. He clapped his hands together, apparently in a great mood. "So, we all set for couple's therapy, then? Still a few moments to spare before showtime…"

Cas was emotionless and let the jar of blood lower to his side as he looked the demon dead in the eye. "No. I'm renegotiating our terms."

Crowley's good mood faltered. "Is that so." His eyes narrowed just a bit. "What terms do you propose?"

Castiel told him in a quiet, dangerous, final voice. "You get nothing. Not one single soul."

Crowley seemed to think perhaps it was a joke. "…Can't help notice, seems a bit unfairly weighted." When there was no response, the demon began to get visibly upset as he realized the angel was serious. "Castiel. You wouldn't dare. I brought you this deal!"

"I'm not handing all that power to the king of Hell," Cas said factually, his voice laced with cold assertiveness. "I'm neither stupid nor wicked."

Crowley looked like he'd never heard such a load of crap. "Oh, I could make arguments for both, my friend," he retorted, then shook his head. "Unbelievable. Have you forgotten that you're the bottom in this relationship? Just because you get to play top with the wife doesn't mean I'm gonna lie down and take your load!"

Cas was unruffled, knowing he had the upper hand and almost enjoying it at this point. "Here are your options," he said lowly. "You either flee, or you die."

Crowley was indignant and in true disbelief. "We made a pact. Even I don't break contracts like this!"

The angel didn't bat an eye. "Flee, or die."

Scoffing, the King of Hell's lip curled up at the edge into a contemptuous expression. "Boy, just can't trust anyone these days," he muttered, then his eyes slid to Alex and darkened. "I were you, I'd watch your little pet's back a little more closely than before," he said to Cas, and then disappeared.

Cas turned to Alex, who looked mildly traumatized by what she'd just seen. "Ignore his threats," the angel told her. "He won't be alive much longer." He would see to that. He would see to a lot of things. He would prove himself over and over by acts of righteousness and penance, he would make it all up to Alex and her family. This, showing Alex his true intentions, was the beginning of that. "So now you see," he said, smiling slightly because at last, this war was about to end. At last, what he had wanted to do (kick Crowley out of the equation) had happened. "My plan all along."

Instead of looking proud and reassured, Alex looked close to horrified. "Cas…" she didn't seem to know what to say. "T-this is so dangerous. Why would you tell him that now? What if he brings back more demons, what if—"

"He won't." Cas looked at the jar of blood in his hand and felt hope for the first time in what seemed an entire lifetime. He set it down onto the edge of a metal table and looked at Alex in, of all things, rising happiness. "All that's left is to conduct the ritual in a few moment's time. Then I will kill Raphael, I will put your soul claim into the book of Heaven, and we will finally be free." No more war, no more threat over their heads, no more lies, no more danger, no more eternal damnation. Love abruptly surged up in him so strongly as he waited for her to slowly begin to smile and thank him for everything he had gone through for them, the load he'd shouldered on their behalf. "Alex…" he murmured, approaching her and smoothing his hand across the side of her beautiful face. She stared up at him and her expression wasn't what he'd expected, but he was sure she was a heartbeat away from realizing he had been right all along. "Do you see? Do you believe in me now? I did this all for you."

Her eyebrows moved in together slightly. "I didn't want you to do this at all. Not like this." His smile and hope faltered into puzzled confusion. She pushed his hand away from her face and stepped back, stinging him painfully. "What's happened to you? I don't recognize you, I would never have believed you would do this insane shit, you need to wake up!" Her words were like knives digging into every part of him and he was angry and hurt that she shunned his heartfelt touch. As such, he followed her and forced himself into her space, putting his hand on her face harder than before, trying to get her to look at him, trying to draw her into his arms, and she pushed at him. "Stop," she protested, and her rejection of him made him even more irate.

"I can't lose you," he insisted in growing anxiety and ire. "I won't lose you, I'll make you understand."

She struggled and protested against him but he refused to let go of her. "Cas, get off me!" she screamed, and he was suddenly struck by what he was doing and let go so fast that she almost fell backwards.

Oh Father in Heaven, what was he doing? Cas looked at his scared and angry and defenseless wife who was practically cowering in front of him and looking at him with betrayed, hurt, shocked, furious eyes. "I'm… I'm sorry. I don't…" he swallowed and for a moment, he realized he truly was past the point of no return, out of control and with no idea of what he was doing. He was to blame, he was in the wrong, he was responsible. But when he had that realization, it was too much and he couldn't face it so he tried to lob blame at someone else. Anyone else. And she was the closest one. He was suddenly seized by a bout of what felt like utter madness. "Why don't you understand?!" he asked, his trembling voice nearly a shout.

"What the hell is there to understand?!" she yelled back, and her face crumpled. He saw how hard she was trying to stay strong, but her shaky voice gave it all away. "Take me home, so help me god, Castiel, I never want to see you again, ever—please, if you ever loved me, if what you said was true once, just let me go."

Castiel looked at her and he couldn't fathom what she said. He had thought forever meant forever. He had believed their love would always last. How was it that something as simple as lies could have torn it all down? "I thought you would stand by my side," he murmured quietly, his heartbreak and bitterness audible. "I thought you would understand my circumstances." He hardened himself outwardly and let his voice be like stone as he decided that he was finished with trying to make her stay at his side. The pain he felt was so enormous that he thought a hundred strong men couldn't have carried it. He turned slightly, tightening his jaw. "If you are so determined to abandon me, I won't stop you from leaving."

He thought perhaps his words would somehow persuade her into caring about him or feeling empathy for his pain. And for a moment, she stood there and looked like she was thinking about saying something, appealing to him one last time, but then she just flattened her mouth into a line and with a quickness and urgency that broke him all over again, she fled away from him, down the hallway and in search of an exit.

Cas's stony expression fell as he watched her go. Even after everything that had happened, he hadn't thought she would actually leave him. It felt as though his heart and soul were walking away from him, and every step she took tore more out of him.

A single word beat through his mind over and over again to the rhythm of his pulse. Why? Why? Why?

---

Alex got lost very fast in the dark old mental ward and couldn't find an exit and actually began to wonder if maybe Cas had sealed them all off completely or erased them or something. She kept looking behind herself for him and she never saw him, but she felt like he was following her invisibly. Maybe that was just paranoia though. Alex abruptly came to another dead end hallway and turned around with an angry whirl then fell to a crouch and put her head in both hands. Fuck! Escape was proving to be a no go.

And then a thought came to her. She was actually exactly where she needed to be. Cas said he was going to 'do the ritual' in a few minutes time, right? Opening Purgatory was too dangerous for her to allow. And despite everything, Alex was still terrified for Cas. In fact, she was more terrified for him because of his erratic and out of character behavior—she wanted him to be okay, of course she did. She loved him, but… she just didn't understand what was happening. Still unsure what to make of it and feeling waves of panicked distress when she remembered his arms clamped around her too tightly, Alex swallowed thickly.

She shouldn't be trying to escape. She should be thinking smart and tactical even though this was quite possibly the most painful thing imaginable… working against Cas as if he were the enemy. But he was leaving her no other choice. She was the one who might have the most chance of stopping this insane plan, and she hadn't realized how before… not by convincing Cas through logic, because she had tried that over and over and it obviously wasn't working. The way to stop Cas was through trickery. Stomach sick, Alex realized she had to do this now that she'd thought of it. Even having thought of it ashamed her to some extent. It made her feel like she was a horrible, awful person. But to save the world, sometimes you had to do monstrous things. Her plan was quickly forming in her mind. She would go back in there and lie to him, act apologetic and sorry, then seduce him to get him off his game. When he was distracted and not prepared for what she was planning, she would smash that jar of blood Crowley had delivered so that Purgatory couldn't be opened at all. She slowly straightened up then stood and took in a deep breath, terrified of this and wishing she didn't feel so alone. It was stupid, but in her mind's eye, she pictured happier times with her brothers, she conjured the feeling of their strong arms hugging her, she thought of the sound of them laughing. Maybe she would make them proud today by doing something right, finally making a real difference.

Just, why did it have to be through such horrible means? She didn't know where this would leave herself and Cas, she didn't know if he would ever forgive her for the deception. But honestly, she didn't know if she would ever forgive him for any of what had happened either. It was almost fitting in a tragic way. He tricked me. Now I'm going to trick him.

Resigned to her fate and mission, Alex tried to shut down her true emotions and not think. She walked back the way she'd come. The entire time, she didn't know if she could follow through with what she was planning. She didn't know if she could stand to let him touch her and kiss her. Would he even want to? Maybe not after… after they learned about the baby. She didn't know. But right now, she had access to a way to stop Cas from his dangerous, foolhardy plan and she was going to take it.

When she found the lab again, it was deserted and silent. On a little side table beside a larger bare steel table, the jar of blood. Cautious, believing it was too good to be true, Alex didn't run over and smash it like she wanted to. Instead, she carefully entered the room looking for her wayward angel. "…Cas?"

Behind her, the softest sound of wings. "I'm here." Oh god. She turned around, nervous and afraid and mildly queasy. He stood there with heavy shoulders and an impossibly sad expression on his face. His eyes flickered over her in mournful confusion. "I thought you were leaving."

Oh, Castiel. The one who had inspired so much love in her that she had been willing to do and give anything. The one who had taken that vast love and betrayed it to no end. The one who had the audacity to stand there and elicit the feeling of empathy and compassion from her even though she didn't want to feel those things. How could she love and fear and desire him all at the same time?

It was hard to keep looking him in the eye and she hoped her nervous, darting gaze would read as contrition. "I was gonna leave, but… I… I was wrong." She swallowed hard and forced herself to look him in the eye. "You're right. I should trust you." His eyebrows rose just fractionally like he was having problems believing what he'd heard. His gaunt expression softened into something like wretched hope and Alex began to feel worse and worse but forced herself to say things she wished she actually felt. "After everything you've done for me and my family… after everything you and I have been through. I can't just walk away. It's not over. It'll never be over." And honestly, when she said that, she felt it. Her voice broke and she didn't know what was true for herself anymore except this: "I love you." She was in tears because she didn't want to love him and thought she was pitiful for having such immovable and deep feelings for him despite what he'd done. And yet, not wanting to love him didn't do a damn thing about the ache her chest carried in his name. The hope against hope that he would abandon his crazy plan and just come home and be himself again. She loved him, and it beat through her just like blood. For the rest of her life.

Her confession of love had Cas visibly affected. His eyes were shining with tears of amazed disbelief. Relieved beyond measure, he looked as though he had been given a second chance at life. "Do you really mean that?" he asked softly, chancing a drifting step closer.

Alex nodded, forcing a smile through her distress. "Yeah." She sniffed, feeling a tear run down her cheek. She was the lowest person in all of creation, leading Cas on like this. Yet somehow in a way, she wanted this moment to be genuine, she wanted to really feel what she was saying, and that confused her. She tried to stay focused on breaking him down, on making him believe her. "Can you forgive me?" she asked, voice cracking at her own disgusting thought process and the way she was manipulating him.

His response was immediate, heartfelt, and heartbreaking. "Yes. A thousand times, yes." He came closer and wiped a thumb across her cheek, dashing away a little river of grief and guilt from the skin there. "And… can you forgive me?" he asked, becoming deeply worried at his own question.

She couldn't fully lie her answer to that one and looked down. "I don't know." His hand remained on her face and his touch was getting to her, making her sadness all the greater. "I hope I can." She tried to look in his eyes again, then apologized for not being able to forgive him. "I'm sorry."

Cas shook his head and he was the gentle, kind, attentive Cas she knew and loved so deeply which made this all the more difficult. "No. I understand. What I've done…"

Alex felt urgency pricking at her and she was so very aware of that jar of blood just a few steps behind her and to the right. She had to make this happen now, and as such, she cut him off. "Later." She took his face in her hands and let her voice drop in volume and strength to a soft whisper. "We'll talk later." She kissed him then, not sure of what the kiss would be like or if she could bring herself to participate in one at all. And then her lips touched his, and it was like coming home. A thousand beautiful moments and memories rushed her mind when their lips softly met and warmth flared in her stomach. The only man she had ever loved, the great and tragic love story she would most certainly go through again. Her stiff limbs softened toward him and the gentle, tentative kiss ended but as she pulled away, she found her hands were clenched into the lapels of his trench coat and he was looking at her with those beautiful, expressive blue eyes.

He was surprised at the kiss and his eyes went from her eyes to her lips and then back again in puzzlement. "What are you—" he began softly, then she kissed him again, ashamed of herself for using this method but needing to silence his questions and also wanting the physical pleasure and comfort it brought her. A fire began to kindle in her veins, warmth began to call her body closer to his and they slowly melded together, her arm snaking around his neck to pull him deeper into a kiss that became passionate and all-consuming. She didn't have to pretend, either. Alex began to walk backwards, pulling him with her toward the table and the cart where the object of her mission awaited. Her butt hit up against the ledge of the table. Cas's arms were gentle around her and he spoke against her mouth mid-kiss, his voice was low and husky and warm. "Are you sure?"

So he knew where this was going, too. She nodded yes, even as her insides screamed that she was doing something truly unforgivable. "I need this," she whispered, and the sad part was that she did. Just needed to be loved by him one final time, just needed to hang onto what was slipping out of her grasp a little longer, just needed to live in denial a few moments more. She heard herself say it and hated herself. "I need to know you love me." She didn't let herself think, she just wrapped an arm around his waist inside of the trench coat and pushed her hand down his pants then up his shirt in the back, pulling his body tight to hers with her hand pressed flat into taut, strong back muscles. She was left reveling in the feeling selfishly and her lips brushed his as she spoke in a mere agonized murmur. "Show me, Cas."

In a dreamlike daze, totally unsuspecting of her, Cas threaded his fingers through the hair at the side of her face. "We don't have much time," he murmured thickly against her lips and kissed her deeply even as he pulled her up against him so that she had her legs wrapped around his hips.

"I know," she replied in a tight whisper, at the point of tears. He sat her on the edge of the steel table even as he pulled her against him by the ass, grinding his hips into hers.

She didn't have to forge her reaction to that. "Oh—" her head fell back at the friction and he kissed the exposed skin of her throat with a warm, wet mouth. The heightened emotions were making him so impassioned and fervent and every touch of those lips against her skin was magic. Her eyes opened briefly and she looked down to her right where the jar of blood sat on the cart beside the table. It was right there within arms reach and she could have waved her arm out and destroyed it easily. But she didn't. Out of selfish need, she wrapped her arms around Cas's shoulders and held on, shutting her eyes, groaning out a soft little sound of encouragement even as her chest hurt from the pain of withheld tears. One of his hands tangled into the hair at the back of her head and clenched hard, pulling and making her moan out a half-protesting, half-pleasured sound. He made her head tilt down and his mouth abruptly crushed to hers. She kissed him with all the anger and passion she had saved up, both of her hands grabbing into his hair hard and he pulled her against him again with spread legs, showing her that he was ready and desperate for her just as she was ready and desperate for him. She choked out his name in earnest, distressed for every reason imaginable as she shoved her hips forward hard at him to meet him in the middle. "Oh my god Cas, I need you," she choked out pathetically, betrayed by her body and mind but not even caring for the moment. Just needing.

Her words earned a deep groan from the back of his throat and without warning, he pushed her down onto the table so that she was laying there with him right over her. Her legs hung off the edge as he stood between her thighs. He pressed her down into that cold steel and let out a soft 'ha' of anxiety as she reached down between their bodies and began to unbuckle him with stumbling, frantic hands. He mimicked her immediately, both of his hands sweeping down to hurriedly undress her.

It was sick, the need for him, it was all-consuming and making her high. She fumbled with the button of his slacks and yanked down his zipper, pushed his pants away, at one point using her foot in the urgent fumble. He separated from her for a brief moment to pull her jeans down to the ankles and she yanked one of her feet out completely to hook around his waist as he pulled her down to the edge of the table and abruptly seized her body to his. He thrust into her so hard and deep that they were both momentarily shocked at the rough movement. Alex grabbed onto him tightly as he entered her, crying out her need and anxiety as he choked out a high-pitched sound of erotic torment against her shoulder.

"Please—ung—" Alex begged stupidly, and he took an even stronger hold of her and ravished her on that cold steel table for all he was worth. Crying and begging him without using words, Alex clung to him with her arms and her legs as her mind was a lost cause that didn't know anything but him and what he was doing to her and filling her with. On that table, he made her feel alive and beautiful and she forgot, for a minute, all the tragedy looming over them. Over and over and over again Cas sent shockwaves of bliss and pleasureful agony ramming through her body. Soulful and focused on her, his face was a panting mask of concentration and their eyes met—love and relief and desire rested in those cobalt depths and she felt herself stifling a sob. He took her face in his hand, mistaking the sound of distress as peaking physical pleasure, and he moved harder, deeper, faster, more urgently, and she was left no choice in the matter at all. She lurched in his arms with a shocked cry and her body was not her own anymore. A slave to the pleasure that was abruptly making every atom explode, Alex hung onto her husband and in that moment, that's what he was to her. She forgot it all except them against the world, innocent to the future and hopeful for a happy ending. She held on, hands against his strong back as he gave the familiar sounds that meant he too was falling off the edge too. He released inside of her with a series of great shudders and quiet cries as he crushed her close in passionate affection. His open mouth dragged against her neck and his last lingering movements drew out her bliss. When they were both completely spent and slack, Alex opened her shut eyes and stared at the gray ceiling overhead as she held Cas to herself. Tears leaked out of the edges of her eyes, and she didn't know if they were tears of ecstasy or tears of grief.

The good feelings were fading and reality was setting in again even as Cas laid on her with his head on his shoulder. He was still buried deep inside, in the most intimate embrace they could share, and Alex put a hand on the back of his head and held him tighter, shut her eyes, and gathered herself. For a minute, they stayed like that. Then he lifted his head and looked at her with an awed, exhausted, deeply in love expression. Alex touched his face, treasuring and mourning this moment as their last. This moment was all in all a lie, but a lie she needed. "I can't regret this," she said quietly and honestly as tears rivuleted her face. "No matter how hard I try."

He didn't know what exactly she was saying, and assumed she meant that she was regretting 'changing her mind' about his plan. "I don't want you to regret it," he said quietly and earnestly. "I will spend the rest of my life apologizing to you for what I've done, atoning for the trespasses I've lodged against you. You just have to let me do this one thing."

She made no reply, because she was done speaking lies aloud to him. Instead, she craned her neck up to touch her forehead to his and she closed her eyes, wishing the good things could outweigh the bad, wishing that this falsehood was real, wishing she hadn't just betrayed Cas like that. So selfish. So greedy. Taking this last instance of physical pleasure from him, using him like that. He tilted his face and kissed her mouth softly, slowly. She returned the kiss as guilt ripped her apart inside. When he drew back, she opened her shining eyes and he stroked the backs of his fingers across her cheek. He would hate her if he knew her mind. He was going to hate her in just a minute.

Cas was unaware. He dropped a tender kiss onto her forehead (sending more emotional pain and guilt ricocheting throughout her) and then slowly pulled himself out of her. She sat up onto her elbows as with a courtesy that made her feel even worse about everything, Cas put her foot through her underwear and jean leg and pulled her pants back up for her, leaving a soft kiss on the lowest part of her stomach after he buttoned and zipped her. He looked up at her then and the deeply sad look in his eyes startled her, blindsided her. He had kissed her there purposefully, and all the sudden she wondered if maybe she should trust this plan to pop Purgatory. She didn't have time to second guess. She had to act.

Cas looked down and began to tuck his shirt back in, straighten and zip his slacks. Alex glanced at the jar of blood then cleared her throat. "Could you turn around?" she asked Cas, feigning embarrassment at his appearance.

He was a little taken aback at the odd request but complied after a falter. "Oh. Uh, yes."

He turned his back to her and Alex's heart was beating hard as a hammer. This was her chance. The jar was right there, and if she knocked it over, it if all went spilling down and scattering out, maybe everything Cas and Crowley had planned would come to ruin. Maybe she would save the world. Maybe Purgatory would stay shut. But… what if Cas was right? She hesitated for just a fraction of a second too long, and Cas was turning back around when she bit the bullet, stood up, and shoved the jar over to crash to the floor. Only, it never made it there. Cas moved through space and air with a blast of wind and was suddenly crouched on the ground that the jar had been headed for. His hands caught the jar and he was staring at Alex in complete mind-numbed shock. He gaped at her and then the jar, then looked back at her. Slowly, he stood, and he was no fool. He understood. "This was your intention all along?" he asked in a winded, betrayed tone.

She stood there and braced herself for utter fury. "I won't let you open Purgatory, Cas."

He took a moment to comprehend, and he was somewhere between absolutely furious and absolutely wounded. "Everything you said to me—? You were lying? You were tricking me?" Disbelief made his face twist. "You… you seduced me for the sole purpose of trying to thwart my plans to save you?" When he put it like that, she did sound pretty heartless, and as such, she looked away in guilt. "You would sabotage me like this? Betray my trust?"

She was struck by the irony of the situation. She'd been the one asking that question just a day or two ago. "Hurts, doesn't it?"

He didn't respond to that question. He was becoming more hurt over something else. "You made love to me and didn't mean it?"

She looked up into his eyes and her pain echoed his. "I did mean it."

For a moment, she thought he was going to cry. And then his face darkened shockingly fast and he looked so angry she took a step back. "You're lying." His thundering accusation was the last thing she heard before she suddenly found herself back in that stupid office, transported without being touched at all. Dark shocked her eyes momentarily, then a feeling of rage followed as Alex realized she was left a prisoner again. Dammit, Cas! But something was different now: Alex's fighting spirit had become defeated. Too shocked to know how to respond. This can't be happening...

And then from the shadows: "Psst."

Startled by the sound, Alex sat straight up, staring open-mouthed. Hidden in the shadows and peeking out just enough to be seen… "Balthazar?"

He was looking around like he expected to be caught any second and impatiently waved her over. "Yes, yes, come on, come on, enough with the pity parade." He chanced another glance to his right and then his left, watchful for company. Then he beamed a charming smile at her. "Fancy a lift?" Confounded and not sure what was happening, Alex hadn't moved. "Dean sent me." He cautiously walked over to her and offered her his hand. "Let's go, shall we?" Numbly, she took his hand and stood. Dean sent him? "By the by, have you any idea how loud you two are? If Casa Erotica ever needs extras, I know who to call." Balthazar got a typically flirty smile on his face and kissed her hand, chuckling against her skin. "Right then. We'll just…" he paused, then his expression fell. He squinted, cleared his throat, and strained mildly. Alex peered at him in confusion. Was he trying to move them and not finding himself able? Mildly embarrassed, Balthazar cracked a nervous, simpering grin. "Uh… sorry, I don't usually have this issue."

"Bet you say that to all the girls," Alex muttered, getting a playful scoff from the angel in turn.

And then, behind them, the sound of angel's wings. They turned in unison, hands coming apart as they did. Castiel stood there and he looked absolutely furious. Balthazar immediately tried to play off the clear escape attempt. "Ah. Cas! There you are! I was just, ah, checking in! Love what you've done with the place. So… grim and lifeless." At Cas's dead expression, Balthazar chanced a nervous chuckle and jerked a thumb at Alex. "I, um, I caught her trying to sneak out, the little brat. So. What say we all jus—"

Castiel abruptly appeared right in front of Balthazar and grabbed him by the jacket and shoved him into the wall so hard that the concrete cracked. "Enough lies," he snarled.

Balthazar groaned and winced but managed to keep up his joking demeanor through clear pain. "You seem tense, Cas. Perhaps a massage? I know a good spa in Shanghai—"

Cas shook his head with deadly balefulness resting in his eyes. "First Sam and Dean, and now this. My friends, they abandon me, plot against me, try to take what's mine. My wife works against me and denies all the good I've ever done for her then leaves me when I need her the most…" he stiffened and became even more quietly irate, "betrays me with the likes of you." His anger wavered and softened into blank-faced depression. "It's… difficult to understand."

Balthazar looked mildly mystified and looked at Alex for clarification. She had no idea what Cas meant, either. Surely he didn't think…?

"Come on, Cas, you're being a little over the top, don't you think?" Balthazar asked, wheedling and trying to get Cas to let go of him. It didn't seem to be working and perhaps sensing Cas's more volatile mindset at present, Balthazar sobered and glanced at Alex once more with veiled concern then looked back at Cas. "Look. While we get all this settled… why not let her out for a little walk, stretch the legs?" he suggested with another bad attempt at a cajoling smile.

Cas's demeanor sharpened and darkened again. "You would like that, wouldn't you? I trusted you. I trusted you all. And now I know I can trust no one." He let go of Balthazar with one hand and his angel blade slid out of his sleeve—he gripped it tight.

Balthazar and Alex saw it at the same time and even as Balthazar looked confused, Alex protested. "Cas, no!"

Her words seemed to do nothing except propel him into committing murder, and he plunged the blade into Balthazar's chest as he held him against the wall. "Cas…" Balthazar choked out, shocked and betrayed, his eyes seeking his brother's and asking why? A sudden scream tore out of his mouth as white light blazed brighter than the sun out of his vessel. Momentarily blinded, Alex stumbled backwards. She felt herself being grabbed by the arms and behind her back there was suddenly a cold wall.

They were back in the lab and Cas shoved her against the wall there then paced in front of her, appearing to have lost his mind. "You were with him, weren't you?" he demanded. "That's why you knew about Purgatory, that's why he took you to Paris, that's why you have betrayed me!"

Alex stared, frozen against the wall and totally shocked at the accusations flying out of Cas's mouth. "What?"

"You, and him, you were with him!" Castiel shouted, and he suddenly came at her again, grabbing her by the arms and putting his face right in hers. "Don't lie to me, Alex, I saw how he looked at you—"

Utterly horrified because she realized Cas truly had lost his mind, she tried to appeal to him all the same as she began to cry again from dismay and fear alike. "Cas… I would never!"

"I don't believe you, you're lying," he growled, and then he got this look in his eye that she would never forget. He became cold and resigned. "I'll discover the truth for myself."

She didn't know what he meant. And then she understood: Without warning or consent, he initiated a soul touch and shoved his hand hard into her stomach and it was excruciating, he was rough and out of control, he wasn't mindful of what he was doing, he was too angry to be delicate, and Alex sobbed protests of agony out in screams as she tried in vain to push his hand out. "Augh! Cas! No, stop, please—!" Her screams rose in pitch into hysterical, agonized shrieks. And then she abruptly slumped forward onto him and went silent.

Cas became cognizant of his surroundings again and realized something was wrong when he couldn't feel her soul anymore. Confused, he drew his hand out of her as he came out of the daze of senseless fury. Alex was limp and Cas was left to realize that in his jealous rage, in his thoughtlessness... the unthinkable had occurred.

"…Alex?" he asked in a soft whisper. But he already knew. He had known the second he couldn't feel her soul anymore. "No," he protested in shocked softness, then louder and harder and more brokenly, "no!"

But his 'no' changed nothing. And immediately, none of it mattered anymore—Purgatory, Balthazar, Raphael, Heaven, Hell—his actions struck him like thunder and the madness he had succumbed to had done the damage once and for all. Castiel held her body to his and found himself on the floor, cradling her limply. "Alex, no, no, please no—" he tried to bring her back, he pressed fingers to her forehead again and again as her head flopped to the side lifelessly. Nothing happened and Cas let out a choking sob at himself as he begged repeatedly for her to come back. She did not.

What have I done! God in Heaven, I have lost my mind!

He had broken her soul itself in his roughness, he had killed her. She was dead and no angel could ever bring her back. Loud, anguished sounds and sobs tore out of Castiel. He cradled his beloved on the floor and he knew, once and for all, that he had not made the right choices. Because the right choices could never, ever have led here.

"I'm sorry!" he sobbed, because she had been right about everything. "I'm so sorry...!"

She had been right.

And now she was gone forever.