Song Remains the Same

by R. W. Winters

For Alex Winchester, normal has never been in the equation. Mute since the nursery fire, she grew up on the road chasing ghosts with her brothers and father. When her voice is inexplicably restored and the angel Castiel appears claiming to be her guardian, both of their lives change forever in ways that Heaven and Earth never expected. Castiel/OFC. Sisfic - S4-9 - Alternate Ending.

108. Exit Strategy

Song Remains the Same

Chapter 108 / Exit Strategy

"We are the ever-living ghost of what once was."
- Band of Horses

---

The angel and the hunter were tangled in an embrace that had been a very long time coming. An embrace they both had probably doubted would ever happen. And they were kissing. Again.

"All right, all right," Dean complained in uncomfortable but good nature, trying not to watch what was, admittedly, sorta touching. "Get a room," he joked awkwardly.

Cas and Alex sheepishly stopped at his comment but didn't pull away very far from each other. Instead they hugged each other tightly again, faces buried in each others shoulders and necks, arms wrapped around each other hard. It was easy to see how overcome they were to be with each other again. To even know the other was still alive.

Dean watched how they held each other like that and it sank in completely. He'd known that in theory that he was done hating them together but seeing them together again made it concrete: He really was done with the impulse to tear them apart. It was so obvious how much they cared about each other and how deep their feelings went, it was clear that this thing between them was not ever going to end. And maybe, in a world so dark and fucked up and loveless and transitory… those two picking each other and holding on like they did... well, it had to count for something at the very least. After all the months in here, after getting to know Cas all over again and being given so much time to think things through… after contemplating himself and his life and his siblings in ways he never had before and regretting the way he had handled so much in the past… Dean was surprised at how he felt… so okay with this. Dean's face showed his inner feelings in a tired, soft little smile. Because when it came down to it, he felt a small spark of happiness for Alex and for them. And that was something he could never fake or force himself to feel.

Alex hadn't noticed or seen him yet, but Benny had drifted down from the ridge a moment after Cas's appearance and was standing near to Dean and watching the embrace with a dubiously amused expression on his face. When Cas and Alex drew apart enough to look at each other and exchange another tearful smile and wipe the others' tears away, the raggedy vampire scoffed. "Well, now I just feel left out," he teased in his soft, heavily-accented drawl. That got Alex's attention and she looked over, immediately becoming hard outwardly where she'd been soft a second prior. Benny smiled slightly, secretively, in a way no one would really like to be smiled at. "Enchanté, little lady," he said, and there was a vaguely sinister quality to the greeting. Cas clouded over.

Alex's face gave away her suspicion and her eyes narrowed deeply, briefly flickering to Dean questioningly and then landing and staying on Benny. "Who's this?"

"Charmed, I'm sure," was his cryptic, baiting reply. His eyes twinkled at her as he apparently enjoyed her mistrust.

"Benny. The, uh, vampire," Dean supplied, and at the shocked look on his sister's face, he shrugged and chalked it up with mild chagrin to what it was: "Desperate times."

Her eyebrows were frozen in place, raised doubtfully as she eyed Benny. "You don't say…"

Dean gave Benny a pointed, warning look. Alex might be petite and less than half of Benny's brawn but Dean knew it firsthand: screwing with her didn't end well. The vampire should get the hint from how armed she was, but he seemed mostly entertained by her so far. Could be a mistake on his part. Dean wasn't the only one giving Benny the evil eye… Cas was joining the oldest Winchester in staring sharply at the vampire.

The angel still held Alex gently by an upper arm and he turned his eyes back to her. His face softened, then his eyebrows worked in towards each other and upwards. "What are you doing here?" She turned her attention back to him and her face softened as he continued to look at her in vast worry. "How are you here at all?"

That question struck her as being almost laughable. "You really thought I wouldn't come get you two idiots?" she asked fondly, a wearily joyful smile stretched across her dirt-smeared face.

Cas understood the joke. He mirrored her smile sadly for a couple beats before something occurred to him. His eyes squinted a little and the questions began again. "Where is Sam?"

Alex hesitated briefly and her shifting eyes gave away, to some small degree, that she wasn't being entirely truthful about the matter. "Not here."

Cas's eyebrows shot up high as he realized what that meant. "…You came here alone?"

Her veiled eyes moved up to meet his. There was fractional hurt there from always being made to feel like she needed protecting. "Yeah."

Cas looked at her with increasing concern. "How long, exactly, have you been here?"

"A week." She held up a finger because it was obvious he didn't like that. "Don't say shit to me about it, either."

The angel complied, but shook his head, face tensing up underneath the scruffy beard and dirty skin. "If I had known you were here..." he said softly and slowly, torn up about her being close for seven full days without him knowing, "if I had sensed it at all…"

She smiled a little through a tense expression and nodded that she understood what he was getting at. She reached up and affectionately smoothed his beard down on one side of his face where it was particularly unruly and unkempt. The tenseness in her smile softened away as their eyes held. His face relaxed a little as she touched him. "It's okay," she assured. "I'm here now and we're getting the hell out."

Cas frowned in confusion and his head tilted to the side just slightly as his eyes went narrow. "…How?"

Alex bent down and reached into her tall boot leg, then pulled a rock out of where it had been wedged tightly. The rock was rounded and smoothed and had some kind of strange design seemingly burned into it. She held that little object up and wiggled it in her hand for effect. "This."

Benny whistled lowly, and for a minute his constant swaggering coy act went out the window. "That what I think it is?" he asked, sounding and looking severely interested.

"…Why?" Dean asked the vamp, pretty interested because Benny looked so caught off guard by the stone Alex held. "What do you think that is? 'Cause from where I'm standing, it looks like some kinda rock someone scribbled on in arts and crafts."

Benny gave Dean a deadly look and pointed at the stone with a single stocky finger. "That's a way outta here that ain't made up or a maybe," he said. "That is a surefire ticket outta this maze."

The hunter blinked twice, not sure if he was getting his leg pulled or not. "A rock?" he asked, totally stumped. Just to make sure he wasn't missing something: "A freakin' rock?"

"Tha's right, cowboy," Benny confirmed, then took a step toward Alex as if to more closely examine the rock. She immediately took a defensive posture and stepped back. At the exact same time, Cas gave a warning look to tell the vampire to stay away and he even stood a little bigger, drawing his shoulders up as his face darkened. Benny stopped his approach when he saw how unwelcome he was. "Easy, easy," he said, abruptly chuckling in mild disbelief. "Ya'll gettin' worked up over nothin'." His smirk fell as his eyes glanced to the stone again. "But where did you get that pretty piece, cher?" he asked quietly, his ice blue eyes flickering up to Alex slyly.

She didn't like him. You could tell by the thin mouth, the slightly flared nostrils, the impatient twitch at the corner of her lips. Nevertheless, she opened her mouth to reply (who knows if it was going to be a serious reply or not). And then…

"Wait," Cas said in a low, urgent voice, suddenly looking upwards and tensing like he could hear something. His hand had shot out to brush Alex's wrist like he was thinking of grabbing it. He squinted into the sky, listening hard, every muscle in his body rigidly still. Everyone joined him in staring at the sky but they saw nothing. However… a sense of danger pricked the backs of their necks. "Wait." Cas repeated in a whisper and he waited, straining to hear. Then he got this look in his eye like he already knew it was over but they had to try anyway. His wide eyes snapped to Dean. "Leviathan!" he shouted, and his hand closed around Alex's wrist, he began to pull her at a run in no specifically meaningful direction. But it was too late.

A handful of Leviathan dropped like bombs out of the sky into piles of black that immediately morphed upwards from the ground into human likenesses, and one such Leviathan dropped right into Cas's path. Cas had dropped his machete when he saw Alex earlier and he was weaponless save for his celestial abilities (which would only draw more monsters if used). The black gob of ooze began to rapidly rise up and take form in front of the angel, who'd stopped dead in his tracks then yanked Alex to the left and began to flee that way, only to dead-end into another Leviathan that dropped from the sky and began to morph. It would never finish that process. Alex's machete flashed out of the thigh holster she wore and she sliced off the head the second it had formed with a brutal cry. Cas stared at her with an open mouth. Maybe in awe or maybe in surprise.

"What?" she asked as she breathed hard from adrenaline. "I don't like wasting time dicking around. Er—no pun intended." Her eyes darted over his shoulder and went wide. "Cas!"

Too late again. The Leviathan who had blocked their path before was right behind the angel and grabbed him then threw him aside like a piece of trash into a nearby tree—apparently its interest was in Alex. "We heard you were here," the Leviathan said in a ominously deep voice, stalking toward her with a smirk on its face. "So nice of you to visit…"

Alex was indignant about what had just happened—Cas had hit the ground hard and was a disoriented and injured heap twenty feet off. She gave her blood-stained machete a vicious whirl as she set her sights onto her would-be attacker. She abruptly bent over and charged forward like a linebacker with a shout, knocking the monster back and over pretty easily even though it was much stronger than her. The element of surprise tended to do afford that advantage. Even as it toppled back, she reared back and hacked clumsily with her machete—not quite making the necessary kill blow, instead sinking the blade into the Leviathan's face. It laughed even as it grabbed her and slammed her around and down onto her back.

And then its head flew off before she even had a chance to do anything else. Dean stood above her with his machete and an intense expression. He reached for her hand, making a 'come on' motion with his hand even as he kicked the Leviathan off of her with his boot. "You good?" he asked, grabbing her arm and hauling her up when she tried clumsily to get to her feet herself.

"Shut up," she retorted tersely, brushing him off as soon as she was standing.

Dean made a face and rolled his eyes halfway. "I'll take that as a yes," he muttered. Then he froze, seeing it at the same time that Alex did: two Leviathan had rushed Castiel. He was weaponless and a primary target because of that—one of the Leviathan held down the angel's hands so he couldn't move and the other one had its mouth open wide to devour him. And then from nowhere, Benny leapt in with a machete in each hand. He crossed his blades in a flashing X, decapitating both Leviathan and saving the angel from certain, close death. It had happened in the span of just a few terrifying seconds.

"Cas!" Alex was already running to him, her voice shrill and scared. "Are you okay?!" She helped him get out from under the bodies that had gone slack over him, shoving with shaking hands and then grabbing him by the shoulders.

He looked up at her with a strange expression, like he couldn't believe that had just happened. "I—I'm fine," he said, even though he was a little dazed. Relief wasn't quite a big enough word to describe the look on her face when she realized he was, indeed, fine. Alex helped him stand and kept her hands on him, breathing hard from the distress.

Nearby, the resident vampire stood with all his weight in one foot, resulting in a swaggering posture. "Don't say I never did nothin' for ya," Benny said to them both, enjoying the way he'd just saved the day. Alex and Cas both shot him brief, distracted frowns. He then offered over one of his machetes—which turned out to be the one Cas had dropped. "Lose somethin'?" he asked.

The angel's jaw clenched. "Thank you," Cas said, but he sounded distinctly grumpy about it. He took the machete back with a little more attitude than necessary. He turned to his companion and his demeanor immediately, predictably changed entirely to tender and concerned as he looked at her. "Are you hurt, Alex?" he asked softly, searching her for any sign of injury.

She shook her head no—and they abruptly hugged tightly, relief making the embrace emotional.

"Baby Jesus in a manger, you two gon' do this every time?" Benny asked, apparently highly annoyed. "Ain't no one never asked me if I was all right. Never you mind a damn hug."

Cas was absolutely foul as far as Benny was concerned—he pulled out of the hug with a rude look on his face. "Be silent, vampire, I'm in no mood for your nonsense."

Benny's eyebrows raised as an expression that hovered between amused and hostile came over his face. "Oh, you're in no mood for my nonsense? I just saved your hide!"

"I could have handled it," Cas retorted sullenly.

"That so?" The vampire's face twisted. "All right. Lemme tell you something, flyboy—"

Dean wedged himself into the brewing confrontation. "Guys, guys, can we just—" he held his hands out for indignant, impatient emphasis because he was at the end of his ropes. "Get along for five freaking minutes?!" He turned to Alex complainingly and then gestured at Cas and Benny in turn. "You see what I've had to deal with in here?!"

She gave him a tiny, trollish smile, enjoying his anguish as sisters often do. "Sucks to be you."

Dean was already turning his focus to scanning the area warily. The woods around were silent, but that didn't mean a damn thing around here. He made the 'let's go' signal. "Come on, we gotta move out before anyone else decides to crash the party."

They did so without anything further, Benny taking lead silently. Dean obviously didn't like that and shouldered him out of the way. Benny silently took the immature power grab with an eye roll and then cast a look back over his shoulder at Alex who walked closely with Cas—the angel and the hunter were exchanging a series of tense and weighty glances, wishing to talk to each other but not really having the chance with so with any semblance of privacy. However, being close to each other was enough for the time being—their hands brushed a few times, and whenever that happened, they'd catch each other's eye and smile a little then look away as the smile gave way to doubts and worries. Alex was especially apprehensive—yes, Cas had greeted her an emotion and passion that had sent her heart soaring… but she was still worried he'd go cold again and back off if given the chance. Alex carefully controlled her walk as they continued forward—no one had noticed her slight limp yet. Benny might have—his eyes flickered down the length of her legs just then and narrowed, then he looked back at her. She didn't like this guy. He seemed shady as hell and she disliked that sly way he looked at everyone.

"Never answered my question, sweetheart," Benny drawled leisurely. "Where'd you get that shiny stone of yours?"

Alex didn't mind letting her real feelings be known. "First of all, call me sweetheart again and I'll chop your head off."

He chuckled slow and steady, unruffled by the threat. "Straightforward. I like it."

"Don't hassle her, Benjamin," Cas warned sourly. Alex hid a smile and looked at Castiel sidelong—all at once she saw the emotionally young and naive angel she'd fallen in love with and a rugged, time-tempered man. Love ached in her chest at the same time that enormous pain did. She knew that when she got them all out, the Hellhounds would come calling.

Benny's nostrils flared at Cas calling him but the proper name. "Quit callin' me that already, would you?"

"It's your name," Cas challenged primly, one of his eyebrows almost imperceptibly twitching upward.

Alex interjected loudly in an effort to stop another petty argument. "I got it from the Garden of Eden."

"Wait, like, the Garden of Eden Garden of Eden?" Dean asked incredulously, looking at her from over his shoulder.

Alex shot Dean a look. "No, the one in Portland."

After giving her a brief exasperated look, Dean tried to figure it out. "Okay, sure—so the Garden of Eden's real. 'Course it is." He sounded fed up. "So how'd you find it when no one else ever has?"

"It was lost a long time ago, and it was supposed to be guarded by a fierce angel too," Cas added, his frown and tone conveying his postdated concern. He peered at Alex anxiously, waiting for more information.

"Well, it was lost," Alex explained, the scenery from the Garden running through her mind. "But hidden might be a better word. It wasn't easy to get there. Whoever had been guarding it was already dead when I got there."

Dean made a face and turned around, held up a hand, quit walking for a second. "Okay okay okay. Let's just back up a second. How does this tiny little rock from the freaking Garden of Eden get us outta here, anyway?"

Benny piped up without being asked. "You know the big tree in the middle'a this here place, chief?"

"Well yeah," Dean retorted sarcastically. "Kinda hard to miss that freakshow."

Benny pointed at Alex for effect. "That little rock's supposed to activate a portal out if you take it to the tree."

Dean was beginning to get legitimately hopeful. "…You mean we can actually get out? No joke?"

"Yeah, if legend ain't bogus. And I daresay it ain't." Benny glanced upward at the typical skeletal cross-crossing tree branches overhead. "I'd say we're a two day walk from there, give or take." He looked back down and gave each of them a coy glance. "But I gotta warn ya'll. The closer we get to that portal with that there Wayfinder, the more monsters'll sense it and come runnin'."

There was a short, heavy pause where brief glances were exchanged between all. "Nothing we can't handle," Dean decided, obviously ready to take their chances.

"Well all right then, gang," Benny said, and continued forward. "Let's get goin'."

Dean hung back, and instead of trying to out-lead Benny again he stayed on Alex's side, effectively keeping Alex sandwiched between himself and Cas as they continued forward into the drab, dead landscape of Purgatory. He got visibly nervous, scratching his ear and glancing around with a weird expression on his face as he plucked up courage. "Okay, listen, I know you're tired of the twenty-questions but, uh… I gotta know," he said, wetting his lips and visibly quashing down a hopeful and apprehensive expression. "You, you seen James lately?" Alex looked at Dean sidelong even as he abruptly peppered her with questions before she was even given a chance to answer the first. "How is she? She okay? You talked to her? Kept up with her? She with Sam? Is that why he didn't come? I mean that would make sense if—"

Alex held out a hand to say stop. "Whoa, slow down Dean," she said, unsure if she should be amused or confused. "I haven't seen her since… well, since SucroCorp, actually. She's kind of dropped off the face of the earth. I can't get a hold of her. Tried a couple times. Why?"

Dean looked pale and he quit walking completely. "You tried to get hold of her?"

Alex and Cas stopped walking when Dean did. Peering at her brother in rising concern, Alex nodded a little. "A few times, yeah, I don't think she wanted to be found, or maybe her phone got lost, who knows…" she confirmed, then at the look on his face she got legitimately worried. "What? What is it?" A sudden thought came to her and she paled too. She had been so busy that she had barely thought about anything but the things that were directly in front of herself. "Do you think… the, the soul deal…?" she asked, voice a fraction softer.

Dean looked at Alex wordlessly. And then Cas spilled the beans innocently and bluntly. "Dean believes she may be pregnant with his child."

Alex's eyes went saucer-wide and her head whipped around. She gaped at Cas as her jaw dropped. "What?"

Dean, chagrined at his friend's tactlessness, threw a tired hand up then palmed his own forehead as he muttered and shook his head. "Cas, man… come on."

Alex's head swiveled back slowly to her brother's direction and her wide eyes and shocked face held steady, but a new and predominant emotion showed, too. Concern. "Dean… seriously? Is that true?"

Her brother looked mildly taken aback that her reaction wasn't rage or accusations. "I—I dunno for sure," he said, voice gone all weak. "I had hoped you would." It was easy to see how disappointed he was now because Alex hadn't heard from her. He was visibly trying to figure out what that meant. And there was no way he could know. He could only anxiously speculate.

Shaking her head, Alex blinked a few times, her mind trying to comprehend what she'd just learned. "I—I haven't talked to her. I haven't seen her. I don't know." She thought about it a couple more seconds—what it meant, how shocking it was to hear out of the blue, how torn up Dean had to be over not knowing. How guilty he had to feel. How guilty she suddenly felt for not making a point to find Jamie. Alex summed it all up in one tense word. "Whoa."

Dean swallowed thickly and nodded, trying to keep himself together outwardly. "Tell me about it." He let out a long, worried sigh and avoided eye contact. Poor guy was the picture of sickened, overwhelmed, and stressed out.

"Hey," Alex said softly, grasping his shoulder firmly and drawing his gaze. She tried to encourage him even though it was pretty hard to be encouraged in a place like this. "One thing at a time, right?"

He remained silent for a long moment, his face tight and worried as his worried green eyes studied hers. Then he took a deep breath. "One thing at a time," he repeated, nodding for a long minute then casting a glance at Cas.

Cas seemed to take the glance as a prompt and grasped Dean's other shoulder, then hesitated when Dean looked confused and a little put off by the touch. Cas began to frown and his hand loosened. "The social cues seemed to indicate that I should…" he trailed off, thoroughly confusing himself and Dean and Alex too. He let go, eyes almost shut he was squinting so hard.

Dean chuckled a little, shaking his head at Cas. "You get used to him," he said to Alex in faux furtiveness, and there was almost a fondness there. Alex heard that and frowned hard, probably thinking she was misjudging it. But Dean was already switching tracks. "Come on, we can't keep stopping." He patted Alex on the back, indicating she move it along.

They continued on, Alex suspiciously looking between Cas and Dean and noticing how they related to each other now. It was definitely different than how they used to. Dean didn't throw constantly disapproving barbed looks at the angel. Their body language was much more relaxed and familial with each other, now that she was looking. So weird. Well at least the time together hadn't driven them further apart…? Alex cleared her throat after a minute and ducked under a tree branch even as Cas hurried to push it up and move it out of her path. "Sorry it took me so long to get here," she said, wondering how the hell they'd survived let alone without losing their minds being here for ten whole months. She'd barely managed the seven days she'd been here. "Turns out getting in's kinda hard without Dick."

Up ahead, the vampire turned and walked backwards for a couple beats. "The mouth on you!" he commented mildly, an obscene smile playing on his lips and twinkling in his eyes.

Alex shot him a thin look, almost said something, then didn't.

Dean threw her a tense glance. "How'd you get in here anyway if you weren't standing too close to exploding Dick?"

His phrasing earned him a little snide look. "A spell." She hesitated, then explained. Alex felt embarrassed heat creeping up her neck as she let some truth come out. "Zip, he uh, gave me the spell, then gave me the ingredient needed." While Cas looked stunned and mildly dismayed at the mention of the Leviathan, Dean looked outraged. "What?" Alex asked her brother defensively.

"That little douchebag's still alive?" Dean gave her an almost warning look. "Please tell me you ganked him as soon as he gave you the way in here."

Alex pressed her lips in together. She could tell him that. But that would be a lie, and honestly, she was already telling enough lies as it was. "Uh… no."

Dean's eyebrows slammed together. He was pissed. "Why?!"

She really didn't care what Dean thought—she cared much more about what Cas thought—and his silent, tense-faced reaction was impossible for her to read. She worried her lip briefly, trying to explain it without sounding like she did it out of feelings for Zip or something, because it wasn't because of that. "It's… I dunno. I thought he deserved another chance. He saved me, helped save Sam—"

"Yeah and I remember him trying to kill us all, too!" Dean interrupted.

"I know," Alex said, her patience slipping. "But I wasn't gonna turn around and murder the dude right after he helped, okay?" Sarcasm began to come out, her favorite fallback. "When we get topside, feel free to try and kill the guy who helped us get out of here. Be my freaking guest." Dean rolled his eyes and shut up about it, letting it go even though he obviously didn't approve at all. Alex looked sidelong at Cas, who was walking beside her and studying the ground with a tense expression. Swallowing hard, wishing she knew what he was thinking, Alex decided to just put it out there. Her voice was soft and low and betrayed how worried she was about his thoughts. "It has nothing to do with any kind of feelings, if that's what you're…" she trailed off.

"No," he said softly, glancing at her briefly. "I wasn't thinking that." So what was he thinking? His eyes held some clear hurt and Alex wished so bad they could just have some time to talk through all the crap that was between them; all the crumbled dreams they'd shared; all the broken pieces laying scattered at their feet. She would have given anything for closure and a chance to explain everything, to talk all the shit that had happened on both sides through. The biggest question looming in her mind currently was what now? It was a dumb question to ask herself because she already knew. Ten days left to write the ending of the book that was her life. But Cas didn't need to know that yet. Neither did Dean. Alex put it out of her own mind, too.

"Hey, are we even headed the right direction?" Dean asked crabbily, totally unaware of his nearby sister's inner battle and secrets.

"It's this way, daddy-o," Benny replied breezily.

Alex looked doubtfully in the vampire's direction. "How do you know?" she asked. For all they knew, he could be leading them into a trap. But then again, she had no idea Dean and Cas had been teamed up with this guy.

"You been in here s'long as I have, you develop a general sense'a these things," Benny answered, his tone distinctly challenging even though he maintained a neutral outward appearance. "Tree's this'a way."

He kept on, but Alex caught her brother by the arm and held him back a little. "He trustworthy?" she asked quietly. She trusted Dean's opinion when it came to this stuff. He had good instincts and there was no doubt in her mind that being here had sharpened him and honed his hunting skills.

Dean shrugged, noncommittal and undecided. "Well he ain't double-crossed us yet."

"Yet," she repeated dourly, staring at the vampire's back as he continued to trek through the woods ahead. Dean gave her a significant look. A silent echo of yet. He didn't trust him either.

Dean kept walking and Alex followed, Cas trailing after her silently. "And maybe he won't," Dean suggested, sounding uninterested either way. "Seems decent. For a vamp." He managed a brief expression akin to a rueful smile. "And hey. Extra blade doesn't hurt in a place like this. Especially if your little magical stone is gonna draw more big bads." He paused and winced a little, like what he was about to say was sure to piss Alex off. "I uh, also kinda said we'd help him get out if he helped us… so…"

Alex gaped at Dean as they walked side by side. "You can't be serious." They were gonna let a vampire out? They kind of made their life killing little shits like Benny.

He shrugged with his hands, expression very drawn and conflicted. "I haven't decided yet if I'm gonna keep my word on that, to be honest." He sighed long and hard. He sounded so tired. His face screwed up in a curious expression and he switched subjects. "Hey, how come it took ten months for you to get here? Or did you explain that already?"

"No, not really…" she hedged, guiltily swallowing down her secrets: working for Crowley, Sam's insanity and hallucinations… Alex wanted to protect Dean from those things for the time being. She didn't want to add any more hopelessness or worry right now. So she exaggerated about what had taken so long. "I had to find this portal piece thing and the Garden, and it took a long time to do that stuff, and there were other hunts I got roped into, um, yeah, so." She scratched her neck absently, trying to look occupied and flippant.

"Please tell me Sam helped with that at least," Dean said. "I mean what is he doing not being in here with you? Something more important happening up there or what? Or did you guys like… fight again?" He sounded so broken up about that possibility.

"No, no. We… just couldn't both come," Alex said. She could have told the truth here, but she didn't want to see Dean any more defeated than he already was. She would tell him everything once Sam was fixed and in his right mind again. She would explain it all to her brothers and hope that Sam would forgive her for selling her soul for him. It was so ironic and she'd thought about it many times… how Dean had sold his soul to save Sammy and a few years later, she did the exact same thing. The more she thought about it, heaviness sank down on her. Her brothers would both be so devastated. Cas would be… beyond devastated. He had done everything in his power to keep her out of Hell and now she'd signed herself up for it. She dreaded the moment of truth, honestly. To hear what her men would say and to see the looks in their eyes when she explained it. Avoiding those thoughts for now, Alex remembered she was talking to Dean and he was wanting to know why Sam wasn't there with her.

She cleared her throat and tried to remember what she'd been saying. How Sam couldn't come. In her pocket, hidden from sight, a metal lump dug into her upper thigh with every step she took—it was the object Crowley had sent her here for. Cleopatra's amulet or some crap like that. Alex had tracked it down day four of being here and almost died procuring it from Mark Antony who was, spoiler alert, actually an ancient vampire who haunted Purgatory in a search for his long-lost Cleopatra (who Crowley said was a permanent guest in Hell). Waiting for more explanation in stride beside her, Dean gave her an expectant look and Alex shook herself out of her thoughts. "But, yeah, uh, Sam—he's really looking forward to us coming back." Lies. He was in la-la land and thought he was dating a girl named Amelia and had a dog, too. Alex put false optimism in her voice. "He wanted to be the one to come, actually," she lied, kicking herself internally for taking it further than it needed to go. But she had to keep lying to cover the initial lie. "Only one person could, could come," she said, trying to make it seem feasible and not suspicious. "Because of the spell." Dean was mildly wary—picking up on her odd behavior and skittish eyes. So Alex tried to close the subject because she really didn't want him to call her bluff. "Sam's gonna be fine," she said firmly. "We're gonna get out of this and go see him and it'll be us three and… everything's gonna be okay again." For however short a time, that statement would be true. They would get out of here and be reunited and all right again until she explained everything.

Dean contemplated her words wearily, mulling everything over for a second then looking around at the harsh, endless wasteland that stretched out around them. "Believe it when I see it, little sister," he said gustily, then abruptly hugged her sidelong with an arm around her shoulder as they walked. "Glad you're here, even if I also kinda hate that you're here," he said, a bittersweet smile on his face. He squeezed her a little closer. "You okay other than whatever crap you had to deal with to get here?"

She blinked a couple times then lied again. "Yeah, I mean, I—I've been too busy to really think about how I am, I guess." Yeah right. Reality screamed down on her in every waking hour. She was terrified to die, she was depressed, alone, scared… but right now being with Dean and Cas she could feel normal again. Just for now. She glanced back at Cas, who followed a few steps behind. He looked so different with that beard and the discolored trench coat, the slumping shoulders. He looked defeated and weary and it made Alex so sad. What would it do to him to know about her soul deal? He felt her gaze and glanced up into her eyes and he gave her the smallest hint of a tired, sad smile.

Still walking with his arm around Alex, Dean drew her attention back with a question. "Hey, you still…?" he made a little motion with his free hand that was supposed to be his hand shaking a pill bottle.

Alex felt immediately ashamed. But she didn't lie about that. "Yeah," she admitted. That was one thing good about Purgatory. No drugs. No addictions. Only survival.

Dean heaved a charged sigh out of his nose. "We get out, that's gotta stop," he said grimly.

She nodded, agreeable in a sheepish way. "No, I know. I agree." She grinned weakly. Dying kind of made everything stop after all. "You promise to drink less, I promise to get un-addicted. If that's even a real thing."

Dean squeezed her shoulder again and then let go, nodding as he squinted off into the woods. "It's a deal, Al. Think I can swing it. I mean, I haven't had a drop in like ten months. But to be fair I also haven't had food or sleep or anything else basic and human, so…" he paused, gaze far away. "Beside the point." He abruptly remembered Cas and glanced back at the silent, thoughtful angel, then back at his sister, seeming to realize something. "Hey, you know what? I'll let you two have a little space. Catch up or whatever." He waited for Cas to get close then patted the angel on the shoulder once and left his sister gaping as he quickened his stride to catch up with Benny, who was about twenty paces ahead.

"He'll let us have a little space?" Alex asked, waiting for Dean to turn around and say 'just kidding!' or something. But that didn't happen. "Who is that?"

In stride beside her, Cas was quiet and in deep thought. "It's your brother," he said factually.

Her deep frown slackened at his typical comment. Oh, Cas. She almost could have laughed. "No, I know. Just… that seems kind of bizarre of him," she said, looking at Cas for explanation. But he was just quiet and tense, distracted. The last few times she'd seen Cas he'd been nutso with a capital N—she'd spent the past ten months wondering if she'd find him the same way when she found him again or if he'd be himself again. He was clearly the latter. She couldn't blame him after being in this place for so long. She hesitated and then tested the waters. "So. Not crazy about honeybees anymore…?" she asked as they walked slowly.

Cas was rueful, a slightly embarrassed, wan smile briefly showing. "They are fascinating creatures… but, no. I'm myself once again." He avoided her steady sidelong gaze out of self-consciousness. "I'm very sorry about that," he said, eyes glancing her direction fleetingly a few times and giving away how uncomfortable he felt about that part of his past. "I know I was… unruly. And strange. And full of nonsense." He let out a heavy sigh and looked around at the trees above and around them in grim thoughtfulness. "But I assure you, I had no control over it. Not really. When we were pulled into this place, all of the pain and insanity I had been carrying evaporated. I'm…" he shrugged a little and looked at the dirty palms of his hands a bit blankly, "me again."

"Yeah. I could tell," she said quietly, thinking of how Sam had been struck with madness the second Cas had disappeared. But Cas didn't know that, and wouldn't for awhile. He was quiet and focused on the ground in front of himself as he walked and Alex tried to let him know, to a small degree, how freaking glad she was to just be beside him again. "It… it's nice to see you again, Cas," she chanced in a shaky voice, wishing she knew how to reach out to him.

He finally looked at her, softening and coming back from wherever faraway place he'd been in his mind. "It's more than nice to see you," he replied, the softest smile pulling at his lips and touching her to the heart itself. "I've missed you." His fingers reached out and brushed against hers as they walked, then those fingers laced through hers in a tentative, shy gesture that warmed her heart and soul and made her stomach flip in surprise. Her fingers returned the gesture. Hope rose inside at what his sweet touch might mean. For a minute, Cas's eyebrows worked tensely as they kept on. "Are you… how are you?" he finally asked, a little frustrated with how much he wanted to ask and where to even begin.

Alex gave him a little smile and tightened her fingers through his. "Better than I have been in awhile."

He was doubtful. "You're in Purgatory," he said, like she needed reminding of the fact.

"Yup, got that," she said, chuckling to herself a little despite everything. At the look on his face, she explained herself: "You're here. Dean is too." Understanding crossed his handsome face and for a minute, he rendered her dumbstruck and it really hit her. After so long apart, she was with him again. His hand was holding hers. His eyes were looking into hers. Abruptly, emotion made her waver. "I've been working to get here to you guys for what feels like forever," she managed, the long nights and dead ends and seemingly-impossible odds carding through her mind rapidly. "Didn't know if I'd find you alive or dead." It had really torn her apart. The great unknown and the possibility of losing it all. The utter loneliness and the responsibility of saving everyone. But it was paying off. She had really done it. She held his hand harder unconsciously.

Cas softened considerably more at her confession and he grasped her hand more firmly. "Well, we're alive," he said, then admitted that it was pretty miraculous to say the least. "If just barely so." He looked at her sidelong and their eyes met again and he shook his head, both worried and amazed that she was beside him. "I can't believe you're actually here," he said, eyes looking at her in that adoring, pained way he had a way of doing. "You're even more beautiful than I remember…"

Alex made a face, flattered as she was. She was filthy—her matted hair was in a gross sweaty ponytail, her skin was ashy looking from dryness and a sheen of dirt, she felt like the bags under her eyes should have their own zip code. And he was calling her beautiful. "Like this?" she asked dubiously, wondering if maybe he still was crazy.

"Like anything," he said simply, and he sounded so genuine about that. Alex smiled a sheepish smile while shaking her head slightly. This was the Cas she remembered and knew, the Cas she had fallen in love with and said vows to. And then he let go of her hand and her smile fell. Was it something she said? She looked at him sidelong and from the steady, studious look on his face she knew he was about to take their conversation to deeper places. Her chest tightened and she braced herself for the worst and nervously laced her hands together to fidget in front of herself. This was what she had been waiting for, and negative feelings made her feel small and scared and sick at the thought of what he might be about to say next. Cas scanned the woods absently through a tense expression. "Being here… I've had ample time to think," he said. She got even more worried about what he was about to say when he said that. "I've been waiting for a chance to speak with you alone and now that the chance is here, I must confess, I feel…" he searched for the right word for an agonizing silence, "apprehensive."

Alex wet her lips cautiously. "Why?" She tried to sound a lot less scared than she felt. Then she attempted a joke that was actually an honest question. "Gonna try and break up with me again?" She didn't think she could take that again.

He turned his head and looked at her directly and firmly—he looked a little surprised at her question, then in rapid succession ashamed. "No. Absolutely not." He shook his head, his shame growing visibly because of the exchange she was referring to. "I'm—that was wrong of me, Alex. I'm so sorry. I felt very confused at the time about everything and somehow it… it seemed to be the right thing to do but Dean says that it very much wasn't."

Alex's eyebrows rose. "Wait…" she wasn't sure if she understood. "You talked to Dean about that?"

Cas nodded once. "At length." He quickly followed that statement up. "With the more, uh, private moments kept private, of course." Well that was a small relief, she guessed… Cas had a thoughtful and sincerely appreciative softness to his eyes as he looked off into the woods unseeingly. "I've talked to him about a lot of things while we've been here. And he's talked to me, too." Alex's already-high eyebrows rose even further and Cas had a small, rueful smile she didn't understand on his face when he saw that look on her face. "I know what you must be thinking," he said, seeming so mature and wizened to her in that moment. "But… your brother is a good man. And he seems to have, I don't know. Come to terms with some things. As have I."

Totally confused and still waiting for the bad news, Alex faltered. "What things?"

Cas thought a moment about how to word himself. "Well, Dean I think has… forgiven me. Maybe not fully, but I wouldn't ever expect him to." He heaved out a tense sigh. "Nor do I think I would want him to. But his forgiveness… it's enabled me to forgive myself, a little. Or at least face what I've done instead of run away from it." Cas's face was haunted by ghosts of the past and the very real, disturbing things that had happened. As he trudged onward with her at his side awaiting more, the angel's face showed a guilt-ridden pain she recognized well. And then he slowly and heavily began to talk about the circumstances that had nearly destroyed everything. "Alex, the man I became because of the war, the secrets I kept, the lies I told… the place those things took me… it was all entirely my fault. Those were my choices and they were… beyond wrong." A bitter smile that was more of a grimace of cynical pain crossed his face—a very human expression she had never seen there before. "I should have recognized that lying to the one I love most in all of creation was never the right thing to do. But I didn't listen to my instincts that whispered I was transgressing. And look where my pride and sins led." He stopped walking completely and faced her, his eyes downcast and shoulders sagging. "Part of me still thinks I should die for what I did. That you and your brothers should… crucify me." He slowly raised his head and looked into her eyes. He was accepting his faults in the situation for the most part without his typical attitude of self-pity. "I went against everything I ever promised and vowed. It's unforgivable."

Alex contemplated him for a long moment with an anguished expression on her face. He made it so hard to hold anything against him. Because he truly meant what he said. She believed him. And his statement about it all being unforgivable? "Yeah, maybe it is," she admitted quietly. Then reached out for his hand falteringly, afraid he'd reject her touch. "But…" she couldn't think of any other way to say it. "Here I am."

He let her gently take hold of his fingers and his eyes held oceans of feelings, thoughts, and heart. "I know," he managed in a bare whisper. His eyes flickered back and forth between hers and she didn't miss the gratitude and disbelief and love that rested in his brilliant, heartwrenching blues at her presence. He took in a bracing breath and continued forward in words. "Alex… please, believe me. I didn't mean to hurt you when I…" his eyes lost their strong, steady gaze as his face contorted and eyes fell, "w-when I did what I did." He grew close to tears as he continued forward, his jaw clenched, pain nearly ripped his features apart as he wrenched unspeakable things out of himself and made himself talk about what he'd done. "I certainly never meant t-to… kill you." He was winded and beside himself with grief as they both remembered. "I would never…" he abruptly stopped and let out a soft, defeated sound that could have been a laugh or a beginning of a sob. "It's terribly ironic to say I would never when I did," he murmured painfully, eyes on the ground as he thought about it with an ill expression. "In that terrible moment… I forgot my strength, I forgot your fragility, I forgot… everything except the pain." His thumb brushed over her knuckles so faintly.

Ashamed to his core, he managed to look her in the eye again. "I was so angry. I wasn't myself. Or if I was, I—I don't want to be the angel who did that to you." His voice caught in his throat and his face abruptly pinched into a confused, wounded frown as he questioned himself. "And why? Why was I angry? Because of my own stubborn foolish pride. Because I thought everyone had betrayed me. And I was the one who betrayed you. If I had any right to be angry with anyone it was with myself." He clenched his jaw as he tried to keep composure. "I'm so sorry. I can never stop apologizing to you for what I did and what happened." His eyes begged her to believe what he was saying. But he didn't need to beg her to believe. She already did and had understood the accidental nature of what had happened for a long, long time. But Cas was so guilty about it. He wouldn't stop explaining the depths of his despair. "If I could go back, I would tell you everything from the start," he said in defeated earnestness. "Everything. I would trust you with all the things that I tried to shoulder on my own. I wouldn't lie to you. I wouldn't use you. I wouldn't be so selfish, I wouldn't destroy everything. Especially… especially not us." He looked down at their hands, which still held loosely.

Alex was left to reply, and she wasn't sure how to. There was so much to say and so much to work through. Cas seemed to think the worst thing he'd done was kill her. And honestly, for her, that wasn't the worst thing. When she finally spoke, it was with a quiet, broken voice. "Y-you broke my trust in ways I don't think anyone else ever has," she confirmed, tone hollow. She'd trusted him in ways she never trusted anyone before. With her family it had been ingrained in her since birth to trust them and lean on them. With Cas, it had been largely a choice. She'd handed her heart over to him willingly, believing he would never hurt or betray her. And then he had done just that.

Her eyes began to gather tears until there was a painful sheen there. She still couldn't believe he would keep what he had from her. It still seemed unthinkable to her. "The thing that hurts the most out of everything is the lying," she said, trying to get him to understand. "It wasn't once, and it wasn't a few times. It was over and over again… you tricked me and I just… why would someone who loved someone else do that to them, you know?" Cas nodded and accepted her words. He was more and more ashamed with every passing second. But Alex had to finish her point. "You didn't trust me with the truth and… and I thought we were… more than that. Better than that. I never thought you would do that to me." That was the greatest tragedy of all, for her. His soul-deep regret was visible, as was his understanding that nothing could ever undo his actions or restore her trust to what it had been before. And yet, Alex loved him and still looked at him and saw a good man. A good man who had made mistakes and thought he was doing the right thing. That's why a sad helpless smile was on her face. "And with anyone else I would beat their dumb ass up for doing that to me and then never talk to them again," she said. "With anyone else I would never trust them again even a little bit. But with you…" she trailed off, not sure how to put it. Not sure how to explain the way her heart forever belonged to him. Not sure how to understand how much she wanted him despite everything. She could only chalk it up to her feelings. Stupid, endless, fiercely deep-rooted, unconditional love. "You just aren't like everyone else," she whispered, searching his pained eyes with hers and confessing her innermost feelings without a second thought in a stark whisper. "Maybe I shouldn't, but all I wanna do is forgive you and try again, is that crazy?"

Cas looked like he'd been given the hope of a lifetime and he wasn't sure how to process it. "I—I want the same thing," he said urgently, clearly trying to reign himself in, swallowing hard and appearing to be highly anxious for her to throw her arms around him and give him a second chance. He visibly held himself back from kissing her or embracing her. Instead he kissed her with gentle, heartfelt words and eyes that were beyond wretchedly tender. "I would give anything for that."

Hope was a cruel thing to give to a man who was about to be widowed. Alex remembered reality and abruptly realized she was only stringing Cas along if she acted like they could have a future together. Impossible grief crashed over her and she turned her face away from him, trying to maintain control. "I… I don't know," she whispered, blinking her eyes hard and fast as her features worked hard to maintain composure. "I—I just don't know." Oh god she wanted to tell him. She wanted to confess how scared she was and how far in she'd gotten herself. She wanted him to be bigger and stronger than she was and for him to take the nightmare away, to save her and to shelter her. But she stood there and was a fortress that he was not allowed inside of. And he thought it was all because she wasn't sure how she felt about him or if she could forgive what he'd done. His hope was dashed, his sadness written onto his beautiful face. But he nodded and accepted her declaration of uncertainty.

"I understand," he said faintly, and Alex abruptly had to walk off, following after Dean and Benny, who'd stopped and waited when Cas and Alex had stopped.

Tears and pain were clenching her body in a vice, trying to control her. She refused and fought her emotional side hard. Do not break down. Don't. Alex walked ahead of Cas but it was difficult to walk quickly and hide the knee injury. It hurt every time she took a step but she soldiered through the pain. It couldn't compare to her emotional pain and it barely served to distract her, either. In walking faster she was trying to avoid having to look at Cas as she gathered himself, and Cas of course being a gentle and noninvasive personality at heart, waited in silence a few moments before he spoke again. Dean and Benny remained about twenty or thirty yards ahead, which in effect kept Cas and Alex's conversation private. "I killed him, you know," Cas said when her face was much more controlled and she appeared much less upset. She shot him a questioning look because she didn't know who he meant. He clarified and chills went down her back. "Destroyer." That name still inspired a fear that could never be erased and her stride faltered. "I found him here and I… desecrated him," Cas said, his voice taking on a dark edge as he explained what he'd done. "For what he did to you. For what he did to the world. I can never make things right or erase the damage, but at the very least, he's gone. He can never touch you again."

If Cas was trying to comfort her… it worked, however fractionally. Some part of her could breathe a little easier knowing that one of the most cruel and destructive monsters to have ever have existed was no longer even in existence. It was another reminder of how good Castiel was. Good. Love swelled inside and it hurt her so bad to feel so much. Alex glanced at Cas, who looked guilty. Like he'd had something to do with what that monster had accomplished through his body. "It was possession, Cas," she reminded gently. "You didn't do those things."

He nodded tensely and a muscle ticked in his strong jaw. "I know."

Alex stopped walking, taking Cas by an arm gently. "Do you?" After all this time, he was still struggling to accept that as a fact. And it was a fact. She couldn't stand to see him killing himself over it.

Cas looked miserable. "Don't pity me," he said, looking down and away. "I don't deserve that."

Alex said it before she thought it through. Her voice was fierce and correcting. "I love you." His eyes flew up to hers. "I'm allowed to hate that bad things have happened to you."

Her words affected him deeply and he looked close to an emotional break. "I love you too," he said softly, breaking her heart anew with the deep feelings behind his words. "And I was the reason bad things happened to you. Tell me how that makes sense."

God, it was true but… she was almost angry at him for continuing to bring it up. She took a second to breathe her temper out and then she was ruefully sarcastic. What else was there to be? "A lot of bad things have happened to me. It's kinda to be expected at this point. It's just my life, basically. Bad shit, every day of the week."

Cas just looked sadder and sadder. "Don't excuse what I did."

She shook her head, dead serious. "Trust me. I'm not. I'm just…" she took a second and tried to figure out how the hell to explain it once and for all. She dropped the sarcasm in favor of honesty. "I'm just I'm choosing to believe you really didn't know any better. I'm choosing to believe you really thought it was the right thing, all the mistakes you made. I mean Jesus Christ, I've made similar mistakes—I've lied and kept things from the people I loved because I thought it'd save them in the long run." She quickly edited herself. "Don't get me wrong, the stunts I've pulled have never been near as big of a scale as yours, but… I would be a gigantic hypocrite if I couldn't… I guess empathize with what happened at least and see it from your perspective." And she really did empathize. She always had. She believed the best of him even when she'd seen him at his worst and everyone else had tagged him as the bad guy. She'd been labelled weak and stupid for her devotion to him but it hadn't mattered. Love had always given her empathy and a willingness to give second, third, and fourth chances. As she looked at him now, even, all she could do was feel for him and wish for the ability to help make him feel better. "And I know you, Cas," she said, tone becoming gentler. "You've already guilt-tripped yourself into the next century for everything that happened. I really don't need to join you in beating yourself up." And she didn't want to, either. She swallowed thickly, voice catching. "I'm… I'm just glad you're still alive."

Cas's sad smile mirrored hers. He was obviously touched deeply. "I've… been very worried about you," he confessed, which was no surprise. "I'm glad you're alive, too." His expression fell slightly. "Although I suppose you always will be, with what I've done."

His mention of her immortality thing made her stiffen. "…Right." If Crowley wasn't lying, Cas was very wrong indeed.

But he didn't know. And he was looking at her in hesitant hopefulness. "With eternity, I'm sure we… we can find a way through," he said, his gaze appealing to her and asking her for another chance—it took everything she had not to break in half on the spot. "If… if that's what you want." She was pretty sure the look on her face was making him think she didn't want it. But that look was there because she did want it and couldn't have it. Cas's dark brows worked in together. "What is it?" he asked softly, then an idea seemed to occur after he studied her upset face for a moment longer. "Is it about… him?" he asked. Alex chilled at the mention of Zip. Guilt as usual swallowed her whole. Why did he have to bring that up? Cas gently touched her shoulder and then her face, startling her. "Don't emotionally lash yourself about it, Alex," he said softly. "Don't."

Her eyebrows worked in together. "How?" she choked out, cursing herself for the mistake.

Cas's hand tightened just a little and tilted her face back up as he shook his head firmly and authoritatively. His expression showed understanding and empathy through some pain. "You thought I was dead," he said, then raised his eyebrows slightly. "What were you supposed to do, remain celibate for the rest of your life?"

Alex's response was gut-punch—she was almost mad at him for being reasonable. "Yes!" Her exclamation was her true feelings but when she said that, she got confused and her face fell into a muddled expression and she cast around for a more well-formed opinion. "I… I dunno! You didn't even remember me and somehow knew not to do that." Her face was tensed into a grim expression as she thought about how her instincts had whispered not to let Zip even kiss her. But she'd pushed past those instincts because of grief, anger, confusion, and desperation. "I mean… maybe I did know," she mused miserably as her voice got softer and softer. "It felt wrong, but… I still did it." And she would never understand that. She would never forgive herself.

But apparently she was in the minority there. In tune with her personal pain, Cas floored her when he spoke again so tenderly and said words that she had never expected to hear. "Alex, I forgive you." Alex's eyes snapped to his. "Completely," he added somberly, then explained why after a long pause where he wet his lips and tried to condense everything his mind was thinking into a few words: "It was a hurtful discovery for me to know what happened and I felt deeply wounded by it but…" he shook his head, not dwelling on his own feelings, "I want to put this behind us. Whatever our future entails… he is not a part of it."

Alex's mouth was open in a slight gape. "You're just… you're just over it?" she asked, not understanding. Cas seemed so well-balanced to her all the sudden, so much more grown than she remembered last. Was it all this time with Dean? When had this happened? How had Cas made peace with what still kept her awake at night?

Cas was bittersweet. "How can I hold your mistakes against you when they're so very small in comparison to mine?"

True, but… "My mistakes feel pretty big to me," she said dourly, looking down, too humiliated to look at him.

In a show of affection, Cas's hand stroked down against the side of her head. "I think we're alike," he observed softly and sadly. "Beating ourselves up, as you put it."

Her eyes rose to look at him helplessly. He surprised her. He humbled her. She was reminded again of how much she loved him and why. Because in all the world, there was no one else like him—a person so deep and heartfelt, so innocent and naive yet strong and fierce. She felt herself smiling despite so many hard feelings she was fighting inside. "Maybe we should stop it, huh?" she joked faintly.

"I think so," he said, serious about it and weary, it seemed, of dragging himself through the ringer. His eyes suddenly grew a little brighter and younger, more happy as he thought of something. "Perhaps we should…" he hesitated then held out his hand and Alex's heart did a somersault and emotion jumped from her feet out of her head when he closed all his fingers down except his pinky finger. He held that finger out to her in a gesture she had taught to him so long ago. He waited for her to hook her pinky through, in his own stilted words: "to 'seal the deal.'"

Alex looked from his pinky to his face. To look at him now, he was barely recognizable. Gray-skinned, bearded, and without his trademark suit and tie. Worn down, harrowed, burdened. But the offer of a pinky promise and Alex was left remembering an angel she'd just been getting to know more than five years ago now. She remembered a car ride and a spilled cupcake, the pinky promise. She remembered falling in love with him one steady day at a time and not knowing that was what was happening to her. Not really. They had been so different than they were now. But… maybe not. Maybe they weren't as different now as she kept thinking. Alex curled her pinky through his and took a second as her mouth worked oddly on her face. "No more beating ourselves up," she promised in a conflicted whisper, then added: "Much." They let go and Alex's face stayed soft and reflective as she reminisced about what felt like brighter days. "It's been so long since we did that. I'd… sorta forgotten."

Cas, the love of her life a thousand times over, smiled back however sadly. His voice was thick with memories, too. "I didn't." He glanced over at Dean and Benny who were again waiting about thirty yards off, their stances vaguely impatient. And obviously knowing they needed to move on and wrap things up, Cas reached out and took Alex's hand in his and laid it all on the line, put it all out there. "I love you, Alex. With all that I am. Beyond any force in the universe. You… you make me want to try again, even though my mistakes should have propelled you to walk away from me a long time ago." His thumb brushed over her knuckles sweetly as his heartfelt words made it harder and harder for her. "Whatever you decide, whatever you want for us to be in the future… husband and wife or just… just friends with a very complicated history… or even if you want us to be strangers… I will respect that until my last breath." His eyes were devastatingly intense and Alex realized she wasn't even breathing—she was holding air in her lungs as she hung onto his every word. "But, I do want to have a chance to show you that I've learned my lesson, if you'll give it to me," Cas said. "I want to try again, I want to give you everything, I still want to be your h—" he caught himself like he was about to say something wrong, "t-to be yours. I will do whatever you ask of me, I will atone myself to you in whatever way you deem appropriate. I will wait a hundred or a thousand years for you if that's what you want." Alex stared at him through swimming eyes and a pained expression. A single, hot tear fell down her cheek and Cas watched it then stopped it with his thumb, sad because of her sadness as he wiped away the streak. He paused and then reached into his shirt collar and pulled on something. Alex frowned slightly, noticing what she hadn't before: He was wearing a chain, a necklace… and when the end contents that hung on it slipped out, when he showed her what they were, she almost lost it for real. Her penny. His ring. He wore them kind of like the 2014 Castiel had worn things, and her stomach felt like it dropped out of her body when she saw these things. Cas was looking at her with eyes that killed her inside. "I want to still… I want for these to mean what they meant nearly four years ago now," he said, voice full of vulnerability as he basically said I still want to be your husband. I want another chance at this and at us if you'll give it to me.

Alex pulled her hand back and looked away, too overwhelmed to even speak. It was everything her heart had longed for and it was too late. "I n-need time to decide," she said, shaken up and stricken because it couldn't happen and the answer had to be no because she had no time left. Her mind spun and her voice was failing completely thanks to a tear-tight throat. "I j-just need some time," she said, trying not to break his heart along with hers. One broken heart between them was enough. "We should catch up with them," she said tersely, already on the move in an effort to avoid falling apart in front of him.

Cas sounded very concerned at her sudden shut-down reaction but he agreed readily and followed. "Of course." They said nothing else as they worked to get back to Benny and Dean—Cas watched Alex with constant worried glances as he obviously wondered what she was thinking and feeling. He couldn't have guessed the truth. He thought she was struggling with how she felt about him, not that she was trying to deal with the fact that she was basically dying.

After a couple of hours with not much more conversation between the group of survivors, Benny shook his head and glanced around darkly. "You know, fellas… I dunno if this is such a good idea," he said, turning around and stopping, folding his arms. "I can feel it. Closer we get, the more monsters are gon' get drawn in."

"I thought you wanted to ditch this bitch—now you're gonna chicken out?" Dean asked incredulously.

Benny shrugged offhandedly. "Hey, I value bein' alive, that's all."

"Well what's the Plan B?" Dean asked combatively. "Keep looking for this supposed escape hatch of yours we couldn't find? Or, oh, this is a good one: give up and stay stuck! Psh. Yeah right. No thanks." He was cagey and ready to go. "I say we take our chances." He brushed past Benny harshly.

"I'm just sayin'," Benny said in all seriousness, still very calm and reasonable. He turned toward the retreater and Dean stopped, turned, and listened however unwillingly. "I can tell ya how this is gon' go down. The creepy crawlies let us close to the tree and let us crack that door wide open then they jump us and take the express train outta here into your neck'a the woods." Everyone was listening to Benny now and highly concerned.

"…And you just now wanna bring this up?" Dean asked peevishly.

"'Least I brought it up at all, Dean," Benny said, slight exasperation showing then severe exasperation rearing its head. "When the hell you gon' start givin' me some damn respect? When you gon' quit actin' like I'm the bad guy?" Dean said nothing but the look on his face was grudgingly apologetic enough that Benny let it go. "I just think… one'a us might have to stay behind to guard the way out. Make sure none'a my neighbors get a hold'a that rock."

"…What? Stay behin—" Dean's face showed utterly shocked disbelief then anger. "All right. Just—just hold on a friggin' second." He took a couple of tense, stressed seconds to try to sum up what Benny was saying. "So you're saying someone needs to stay here and make sure no other freakshow locals get through to planet earth."

Benny nodded once, elegantly. "Right on, brother."

Dean was highly disgruntled and on edge. "Oh come on, we can all get through!"

Benny challenged that idea in a measured tone. "Two slow, mortal humans against however-many super-powered super-speed monsters who are salivatin' for a way out…?" He looked like he pitied Dean almost. "Come on Dean, you're ain't dumb; why you talkin' like you are?"

"Because no one gets left behind!" Dean thundered in outrage. "I don't care what we gotta do!"

And then a quiet, gravelly low voice spoke up. "Dean. He's probably right." Cas was utterly grim, drawing the growingly stunned stares of both Winchesters. "The risk of what could get out into the human population… are you willing to risk that?" the angel asked. He looked bothered that he hadn't already considered what Benny was saying. "I'm not willing to risk that. The Leviathan and Behemoth—a mere two entities—escaped and look what they did. Imagine if hundreds or thousands got out."

Dean looked around the small group and as it dawned on him he lost some color. "But that means…"

"Yes," Cas confirmed. Alex, not having caught on yet, was dumbstruck into dread-filled silence. And then Cas spelled it out. "The humans go," the angel said to Benny as if that were the final word, and he ignored the wide-eyed shocked looks he got from both Winchesters. "Alex and Dean, they leave this place."

Alex was beside herself. "What? Cas—" she began, voice trembling.

He turned to her with a gentle but firm, sick resignation on his face and in his voice. "It has to be me who stays behind," he said, and although he was final about it, he was clearly torn to shreds at what it meant for them. "You know it does."

She shook her head no repeatedly in a daze of horror. "N-no, there… there has to be another way!" she protested in rising panic. She couldn't let Cas stay in this nightmare alone.

"There ain't another way," Benny interjected evenly, and Alex wanted to wring his fucking neck for being so calm. "If any of us get out I'll be surprised. Angel's right." Benny shrugged slightly. "He's gotta stay." Then he surprised everyone when he heaved a self-disbelieving sigh. "And, hell, I do too. Make sure you two crazy mouthbreathers get back to where you gotta go." He chuckled ruefully and shook his head at everyone's looks. "Guess it was all a pipe dream, gang. But hey. 'Least I gots a good story now to tell to all my friends." He paused, mouth twitching in another damn smile. "Oh yeah. I ain't got none'a those."

Alex ignored the vampire, pleading with the angel instead. "Cas, listen to me, no way in hell are you gonna—"

A sudden long series of howls way too close for comfort sounded, cutting the conversation off completely as everyone went tense at the realization that danger was very, very near.

"Werewolves," Dean breathed grimly, his machete already out.

"Aw shit," Benny muttered in annoyance, looking like he was thinking great. Just great.

"Four of them I think," Cas said, abruptly in battle-mode as he squinted hard and drew out his machete and protectively stood near Alex. "I think they've surrounded us." He looked like he was beginning to kick himself mentally for not realizing sooner. "I wasn't focusing," he muttered, angry with himself.

"Cas, buddy, you're fine, just keep your head on your shoulders, all right?" Dean said, earning a brief and gaping stare from his sister. It was bizarre to see her brother actively encouraging the angel and doing something to build him up instead of tear him down. She didn't have a chance to think about it more. The wolves attacked them, rushing in from four directions as the hunters clustered close and faced outward, weapons clenched tight. In the earthly realm, werewolves were humanoid, only having additions of fangs, claws, and animal eyes when they turned. But here in Purgatory, they devolved over time into the likeness the word 'werewolf' conjures: tall, beastly wolf-like bodies and faces, crushing in power and speed. They were fierce and deadly opponents, and they were hungry for blood.

The scuffle that ensued was close and dangerous—and Alex, thrown off by what had just transpired before the attack, found herself on the ground with a slashed knee as the other three in her group finished off the werewolves. She grabbed her injured knee hard, eyes screwed shut as she fought a long groan of pain. It was the same knee she'd twisted a few days ago. There was no way she could walk on it now, and that fact sent dismay skittering through her like leaves on an autumn sidewalk. At least she'd done some damage to two of the wolves before she got taken down like a damn sap.

While Benny and Dean double-teamed the last remaining wolf, Cas turned, breathless, and ran over to Alex, dropping to his knees by her. "Oh, Alex! You're hurt—" he looked at her ripped-at-the-knee jeans and the gash there and he had one immediate gut reaction. "I'll heal you," he said, reaching out to do just that.

Dean, who was standing back with racing breath over the werewolf he'd just taken down, freaked out. "No, Cas, whoa! Remember the last time you healed me? Ten Wendigo bastards showed up!"

Cas looked at Dean with an expression that was equal parts indignant and angry.

Benny wiped the side of his face where blood had splattered and glanced down at the dead werewolves they'd made quick work of. "He's right, amigo. The bandaid'll only bring the beasties."

Cas obviously couldn't stand the thought of not healing Alex immediately but he had to listen to the others and the good points they were making. His hand retreated and his expression showed how upset he was. Alex tried to put on a brave, strong face. "It's okay, Cas, just some pain," she said. "I can't move as fast, but…" she tried to push herself up and couldn't hold back a surprised yelp of pain. The cut was deep and her knee felt like the twisted tendon had gotten further twisted. "Kay, scratch that, I can't move at all."

Face drawn and pale, Cas was sickened at her sound of pain. "I'll carry you."

She tried to resist out of pride and stubbornness and a little embarrassment, too. "No, Cas, you don't have t—"

"I'll carry you," he insisted in a hard voice, picking her up without another word and without another chance for her to protest. His strong arms held her easily and feeling pathetic for losing the function of walking, Alex held back an frustrated, angry fit. Nearby, Dean's concerned expression just made it worse. She set her face hard and avoided everyone's gazes.

Benny waved them onward. "Come on, ya'll, let's get outta here." He led the way and for a moment, everyone was silent and tense, watchful for more enemies. But it remained silent. They came to a wide, shallow stream and crossed over it, turning and heading up along the bank. "Tree's gettin' closer," Benny announced, eyeing their surroundings carefully. They were definitely getting closer to the center of Purgatory. Trees were bigger, taller, and thicker in this place. "Think it's closer than I thought at first." For a few more minutes, no one said anything. The only sound was of the low, growling stream.

And then Cas turned his head toward Alex, who he carried so gently and closely. "Does it hurt very much?" he asked in vast worry, glancing at her knee.

It did, but who cared. "You can't stay behind," she whispered, finally letting her eyes meet his. "Cas, you can't."

His face was rigid with regret and guilt, his eyes showed pain. "I have to. I cannot let those creatures back into the world. The first time I unleashed them was bad enough." His arms which so securely held her, seemed to tighten as if to hold onto her just a little longer. "It seems that fate is determined to see us apart, doesn't it?" he asked quietly. A question that broke her fucking heart.

It did seem that way. "I'll stay here with you," Alex managed to choke out softly. If she could. If she didn't have to go finish buying Sam's freedom and life back with her own. She would stay with him forever, no matter what.

Cas shook his head, even though a soft, heartbroken smile rested on his face at her offer. "No," he murmured. "You know I won't let you do that."

If it was any other way, there would be not letting her. She would fucking stay and too bad what he said or 'allowed.' But things weren't like that. And she was quickly getting so, so, so upset. "Cas, you—you don't understand what I did to get here and get you you out," she whispered, begging him to not let her efforts go in vain. She loved him so damn much. She couldn't bear to know he was going to be stuck in here forever. She'd focused on her mission of saving everyone and making sure they were okay. And he wasn't going to be.

"I can't let those things into the world again," he said quietly, and she knew he was right, which was why it was so fucking distressing. "We just got rid of them. I have to do this. It's my responsibility." She shut her eyes against his words. He was right. And she didn't want him to be. And all this after he'd given her that speech about wanting a future together. How heartbroken was he right now? Maybe someplace close to how heartbroken she was. Cas's hands tightened on her as he attempted to comfort her. "If I can somehow, someday find another way out to you, I will," he promised in a tone tinged by pain and grief.

And all her efforts to fight a breakdown were defeated and Alex began to weep, face buried in Cas's shoulder, her body wracking. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair, she couldn't take this. He didn't deserve to be here. But what other solution was there?

"Shh, shh." Cas pressed a kiss into her greasy hair and she cried even harder.

"This is the stupidest fucking… shit… ever!" she sobbed unevenly, her arms a vice around his neck as she quaked against grief that took over her entire body and mind.

"I would have to agree with you," Cas said sadly. And she wanted to laugh at his statement, which only made her cry harder.

Nearby, Benny and Dean watched uncomfortably and sadly. Well, Benny looked uncomfortable. Dean looked sad. They'd stopped walking as a group when Alex started crying. Near to where they stood, a huge fallen tree intersected the drab woods. Benny eyed Cas, who was comforting Alex as best he could. He shot Dean a look. "Aye, brother. I think we oughta give them some alone time for a spell, whaddayou say, brother?"

The hunter shot the vampire a frown. "…You think it's safe?" Dean asked warily.

Benny seemed a mite amused. "In here? Never. But… for now…" he looked around with sharp eyes that missed nothing, "yeah."

Dean hesitated, eyeing his sister and the angel for a long second as he contemplated it. And then in a pretty big gesture he probably wouldn't have given before, he gave Cas and Alex something they very much needed. Alone time. A chance to say goodbye on their terms. He grasped Cas's arm and then rubbed Alex's shaking shoulder a couple times as she continued to hide her face in Cas. "We'll be close," Dean told Cas. He paused. "But not too close. If you get… what I'm…" awkward and flustered and not sure his statement was even relevant, Dean drew his mouth into a thin line as he departed. "Never mind."

As Benny and Dean retreated, Cas carefully set Alex down to sit onto the fallen tree—it was a big tree and was about the height of a standard couch, making it a good place for Alex to rest. Cas stood in front of her but Alex didn't look at him. Just bowed her head down in defeat. Cas watched her a moment, his face wrenched into an expression that showed how very upset he was, too. Upset and yet resigned to his fate. He knelt onto a knee in front of her, trying to be gentle and sympathetic even though he couldn't change anything. He waited a moment, then tried to explain what she already knew—why he had to be the one to stay. "Dean might be a father," he said softly, and Alex's sad, reddened eyes finally looked into his. Cas gently touched her hand which rested on her upper leg. "He has to go back. You… you can't stay here. I won't allow it. You know I never would. Not as your guardian angel and… and not as anything else either." His voice caught a little as what he was saying caught up to his emotions. "You have to go back."

Her features wavered between getting more upset and holding steady. She would have argued, cried, pleaded, begged in the past for him to come with her but… if he came back with her now, if he had to see her go to Hell and if he knew what she'd done… it would destroy him. Maybe, in some bizarre and sick way, this was better. "I know," she whispered in agreement she couldn't believe she was giving. "But… I… it's just not fair," she choked out, grabbing his hand tightly with both of hers. "I don't want this for you," she said, fresh tears spilling out of her eyes as her heart broke for him and this dark, lonely fate. "Eternity down here? Alone? Forever?"

Despite how sad he was, he managed a pained smile as his free hand touched and held to her jawline. "I won't be alone," he said firmly, and the way he was rising above his own sadness to reassure her made it even harder. He was so damn beautiful and wonderful and she felt like she was falling in love with him all over again here and now. "Not if I can keep the memories I have of us and of you." That broke her all over again and Alex's shoulders fell as one of her hands came up to cover her own face. A miserable series of sobs escaped. "Please, don't cry…" he whispered, already leaning forward and pulling her into an awkward hug.

She had her arms around his shoulders and fingers holding tightly into dirty trench coat fabric. "It's kind of hard not to when you've lost the love of your life several times over and you're gonna lose him again," she whispered in a stark, tear-ruined voice.

His voice, next to her ear, sounded very similar to hers. "I wish there were another way," he confessed, and she heard how much he didn't want this, either.

She sniffed a couple times against a running nose as she shut her eyes shut so tight that her eyeballs hurt. "I don't understand, Cas," she said, voice high and tight and unrecognizable.

One of his hands gently cradled the back of her head, comforting her. "I don't either."

For a minute, they just held each other and Alex kept her arms around him tighter and tight as she relished him. His touch. His warmth. She thought about how far they had come and all the complicated things that were between them juxtaposed against a day in April four years ago when they'd thought love could be enough. "If we could have had a chance, a real chance…" she whispered into the side of his neck, mourning the life they had never gotten to live. "I wish we could have had that. I think we could have been happy in another lifetime, maybe. Really, really happy."

Cas drew back and looked at her with the ghost of a grieved smile on his face. "That's a very endearing thought," he said, tracing tears away from her gray cheeks. "I'd like to think the same." His eyes grew more open and vulnerable. "I often think about what it could have been like," he confessed. "I… I imagine us having a home together. More time with each other." His smile grew sadder, his voice grew softer. "Children, maybe."

Children, maybe. She nodded through a valiantly-struggling expression because she understood. She had wanted everything with him and they were ending up with nothing. She knew they were about to be separated again, but at least this time they knew it. And she could say goodbye. She took his hand and pulled it up, pressing it palm-down to the place just above her left-hand breast where her heart beat strong and fast. "I don't care where I am or where you are," she whispered fiercely with the last bit of composure she had left. "You just need to know you will always have this. Only you. No one else."

His fingers curled into her a little as if he were trying to bridge the gap between them. "You are my heart," he whispered in a voice made tight by pain and sadness. And in reply she kissed him with tears on her face because there weren't words left. His arms gently enveloped her, his lips were sweet on hers. Once they kissed, then twice, then three times, soft and slow and tender and so heartbroken each time. His forehead rested against hers when they pulled apart the last time.

He bent his head down to the ripped hole in her jeans at her knee and softly pressed a kiss there, his hand gently supporting the back of her knee. "I'm sorry you're in pain," he said, and his eyes were shining when they glanced up to hers. "I would take it away if I could." He squeezed his eyes closed and kissed the bare, tender skin near the gash again with lingering lips as his expression showed distress and guilt and struggle.

"It's okay," she managed, and bent over, grabbing his bowed head in her hands to kiss the crown of his head softly, fingers digging into his dirty hair. She squeezed her eyes closed and breathed there a moment, nose buried in his hair until he raised his head and looked into her eyes. Who initiated it? Impossible to say. Their faces were drawn together like magnets, their noses brushed and lips touched again but this time his mouth was soft and open, seeking deeper exploration of hers. She gave him that privilege, breathless at the effect of his kiss. His hands rested against her, the lightest touches of his fingers and thumbs against her jean-clad thighs sending sparks shooting up her veins as a warmth only he inspired flooded her body. His rough beard rubbed against her cheeks, the skin around her mouth as his tongue asked to know all the warmth of her mouth. Her fingers twined into the thick hair at the back and sides of his head as they softened into each other more and more, as the kiss became deeper and more heady and turned into slow, burning making out. It had been so long since her body had been a vessel of beauty and pleasure and not destruction and pain. He felt close and familiar, she loved him so much and wanted him so much, too…

His hands went to her sides, thumbs just above the belt of her jeans, and the way his hands kept tightening a little to pull her closer to his body and then loosening and tightening again was driving her crazy. Apparently, she wasn't the only one starting to lose their goddamn mind. Cas was growing breathless and noisy from the passionate way they were kissing each other—little moans in the base of his throat kept sneaking out. Her knees, even the injured one, were tight on his sides and her arms and hands made sure he remained closely pressed against her as he knelt between her legs, and he was already very, very aroused like she was—it was quite easy to tell, being so closely crushed together like that. His hand came up to cup the side of her face and he left her mouth to nuzzle the curve of her neck, his husky voice dark and hot against her neck as he left wet trails against the skin there. "I… I need to make love to you," he begged, kissing and mouthing the side of her neck sensually, in a drug-like stupor—and she was dizzyingly turned on all over again at his request. "One last time, just once more, please…"

Here? Now? "Cas—ah—" she gasped when his mouth sent a particularly heady rush of arousal through her. She put a hand on his, wanting him to continue and wanting him to stop—they were in Purgatory and Dean was nearby and it was too risky… but she wanted to so bad and one other thought was in the back of her mind: that mysterious time traveling stranger. She wasn't completely daft or stupid. She had a deep instinct about who he could be. And she wondered if this, the last time she could ever possibly be with Cas, was somehow when that young man came into existence. She didn't understand the ins and outs with her ten day deal or anything or how it was even possible, but she didn't really see any other explanation and she was shockingly beside herself with the sudden, strong desire to have Cas's child—a piece of him to hang on to. His mouth on her skin distracted her mightily from her thoughts. "This is dangerous…" she protested feebly even as she tilted her head so that he could continue to kiss her up the neck. Her mind was saying no, her heart and body and soul were screaming yes, please!

His nose brushed her ear, his breath and voice were closer than close. "And when has that ever stopped us before?" he asked. It was a serious question but it was also almost a challenge and it fucking turned her on. He drew back and his eyes seduced her and beckoned her, longing for her silently. She was totally doomed by him—it was already over. "I haven't forgotten," he said, trailing his fingers down her kiss-damp neck and toward her collarbone. "You need to tell me to touch you," he whispered, desperately waiting for her to tell him.

He already had touched her, he already was touching her but she got the general gist of what he was asking permission for and was powerlessly throwing caution to the wind because she needed him one last time. "Touch me," she whispered back, and he swallowed her mouth readily in a crushing kiss and pulled her torso against him as he abruptly stood up, holding her easily against him. One of her legs wrapped around his middle as her injured one hung more awkwardly—Cas was moving them, walking and stumbling around and over the tree trunk to the other side of it and then lowering them down to the ground beside it—the trunk became a small semblance of privacy, blocking them from Dean and Benny's view if they were to approach. Cas was careful not to let her injured knee scrape against the ground or hit the tree trunk as he laid between her legs and kissed her demandingly and passionately, in ways that matched all the desperate and heartfelt things he'd said to her earlier—he scrambled up to his knees and pulled her shirt off between hungry kisses even as she pushed at his coat, almost fighting him to undress him faster and first. Cas tossed his trench coat aside when he was able and Alex was pushing his shirt up his lean torso as he unclasped her bra and slid it off of her—she yanked his shirt off his head, and it made his hair stick up funnily—he looked like a homeless mountainman and it was somehow so adorable that Alex felt herself smiling at him despite everything as she held a hand against the side of his face and found pause amidst their passion. Also, his chain with their wedding symbols glinted, and he looked so damn manly that her breath caught.

He was looking down at her with a soft, love-forlorn look on his face. "You are Heaven," he breathed, a hand against the side of her face. "In every single way." He bent his head and kissed her dirty shoulder, one of his hands now against her back to pull her close to him as the penny and ring dragged against her skin. Their bare chests touched and she gasped softly, totally caught up in the physical sensations. As she turned her head to watch him kissing her skin more closely, Alex noticed how one of his arms had a huge black-and-blue bruise on the taunt curve of his bicep and she gently craned her neck up and kissed the hurt skin. He couldn't use his powers freely here without drawing attention. She'd learned that much. And she saw more and more evidence of it as she took in his body. Scratches, bruises, cuts marred his ashy-colored skin. She touched each one she saw with gentle skimming fingers, noticing how he was just like her: dirty everywhere, even underneath clothes. Purgatory did that—snuck in and desolated everything. Cas was kneeling and shuffling back a little, gently pulling her jeans and underwear off at the same time, one leg at a time, being especially careful with her injured leg. They couldn't take forever with this; they couldn't waste time and risk their lives any more than they already were by indulging in languid foreplay. It had to be quick and now.

That's why Cas was undressing her so fast. But being naked and outside and dirty all over had Alex feeling self conscious, especially since Cas felt far away kneeling between her legs. He pulled her boots off then got her jeans off a leg at a time… but when she was left naked he didn't crawl back up the length of her body. Instead, he bowed his head down and kissed her knee again, peppering the area in kisses. Then he began slowly upward along the dirt-smeared skin of her thigh, laying down on the ground between her legs and Alex knew what he was about to do. Inner alarms went off and she held her legs close together. "Cas—I'm dirty—" she protested, even though she simultaneously wished she hadn't said a damn thing. She was beyond dirty, honestly. She was filthy, probably repulsively so.

"It doesn't matter," he murmured hotly against her thigh, his rough beard scratching the soft skin there and making her shiver and shudder and whimper. "I need to taste you." Words that made her mouth drop open and veins buzz. Cas paused the second he said such a dirty thing, suddenly losing his bravado and beginning to outwardly wonder if he'd gone too far or been too brazen. "If… if that's all right," he said, appearing sick at the chance that he had maybe gone too far.

He hadn't. All he'd done was make her more terrifyingly turned on. "Y…eah…" she managed doubtfully, rendered a little meek by the intensity of what he was asking as he peered up at her from between dirty legs. "It's… it's all right."

That was all the permission he needed. His hand pushed against one of her thighs to spread her and he dove mouth first to the place he so clearly longed to taste. "Ah!" she rasped, head thrown back as his mouth found her most sensitive area and laid erogenous touch after erogenous touch with his tongue and mouth. One of his hands slipped underneath a butt cheek and pulled her even closer to himself, increasing the pressure and making her lose her mind with startling quickness. She mumbled desperate, incoherent approval as white-hot stars burst. She sat up a little and her hand reached out and fisted into his hair as her other arm dug into the cold ground at the elbow—Purgatory had inspired a carnality in Castiel that seemed new and animalistic and was so damn hot that Alex could barely function.

Cas was making mmff mmff sounds against her like it was the most pleasureful thing he had ever participated in, which of course only made her heart race faster and stomach zing with increasing intensity as he rendered her nerves tighter and tighter with electric pleasure. He made her feel indescribably beautiful and wanted and so hot even though she was a grimy mess. Never ever would she have ever predicted a man could love her and want her the way he did, and as her chest and stomach heaved from impassioned breaths, as she watched his dark head moving between her legs, her eyes abruptly pricked with tears. I want him forever. But all they had was now. His nose kept smashing up against her and his beard scratched, tickled, scraped against very sensitive skin as his clever tongue and honeysweet mouth made her go half blind in delirious pleasure—the sadness was an afterthought as frustrated bliss ruled the moment. She panted stupidly, trying to concentrate, trying to both stay quiet and focus on the sensations at the same time. Her fingers dug harder into his hair, holding on tightly as her other hand leveraged her weight and kept her sitting up halfway. Cas's voice rumbled, vibrating into her from the lowest and most naughty place. "You taste so…" he growled out, his words hot against her. He couldn't seem to find the word for how she tasted to him but the implication was clear. Good. Better than good. He made a primal grunting sound of approval as he continued his work with increasing fervor.

For him to say that was ridiculously hot and Alex felt herself losing all strength suddenly as the intensity compromised every facility she had when paired with how he'd picked up the pace. His eyes flickered up to look at her and that was one of the most intimate and intense and hottest things. It did things to her. "Oh, Cas, I'm—haaaah—" she whimpered, and in response to her half-confession of oncoming orgasm, Cas shoved three fingers into her unexpectedly and let out a frantic sounding moan because he was so aroused to see her so aroused. She could have screamed at the feeling his fingers gave her and she abruptly clapped both of her hands onto her mouth, muffling a loud series of desperate cries as Cas devastated her in the best and most beautiful way—her body writhed like she was having a seizure—she bucked underneath his mouth and he held her steady with both hands on her hips as he ravished her like that. The pleasure was unforgettable and world-shattering, the feeling of his mouth and tongue and hands, fingers, breath, scraggly beard—she kept her hands tight on her mouth as tears squeezed out from her eyes thanks to the intensity and then it was suddenly all over. Her body went slack and Cas, breathless, gazed up at her like he had just seen the creation of the world itself.

Her hands fell away from her mouth and she laid there stupidly, panting and recovering, her entire body overtaken by the sweetest feeling of pleasure. Her brain didn't even work anymore… damn.

Cas raised himself up a little, his eyes teary. "You're so beautiful," he whispered in a choked voice, fingers brushing down against the skin his mouth had just given pleasure to. She shivered at the gentle touch and Cas began to press slow, tortured kisses against her body as he slowly drifted upward to her waiting arms. His mouth kissed her hips, her stomach, her ribcage, his fingers drifted over the skin in close proximity to his kisses. He paused to pay more attention with his hands and lips to her breasts, drawing soft little sounds from her as he nipped, nudged, kissed, tongued, and sucked so gently. His arms wrapped around her and circled her close to his body and she let him hold her like that, accepted every last affection he gave. He was savoring her and it showed. Even though she felt such satisfaction from his touches and his kisses, the thought that this could never happen again had her hands stumbling down the warm skin of his chest and stomach to the stretchy waistband of the once-white hospital pants he wore. She just had to feel him inside of her body one last time, had to see and feel and make him come. Her hands pushed at the waistband of his pants and he assisted her, tugging at them with one hand and then awkwardly, quickly maneuvering himself out of them. As he settled back down over her, she kissed the curve of his strong shoulder hard, tasting salt and ash and dirt. He studied her face a moment as she looked up into his eyes and he traced some stray hairs back from her face—her ponytail had come loose to one side.

She wanted to tell him everything. She wanted to tell him every last damn thing. But she said nothing. She just gripped one of his wrists tightly as he spread her legs wider with his knees then shifted his hips down and forward, finding her and nudging up against her—a touch that her body went into overdrive at. Her fingers curled into his skin more deeply in anticipation as their gazes clung closely. He pushed in as he watched her face, which registered pleasure and tense anticipation—his face became blissed and stunned as he slid deep into wet, tight heat. Her back arched up off the ground in response and her hips softly pressed up into his as her mouth remained open in a silent gasp of pleasure. He cried out her name softly when he could go no further, like he was asking for help.

She had every inch of him she could take and it was… "God damn," she whispered just barely—she hadn't forgotten him, but it had been so long and she was so ripe inside that she was stunned at the feeling. "You feel so good…" she whimpered, wanting to cry all the sudden as she remembered for the hundredth time about how this was about to be at an end.

He kissed her softly, and he looked beside himself. He was thinking the same things she was. "I never want us to part," he confessed brokenly.

"We don't have to yet," she reminded, but she was just as broken as he was. She smoothed a hand down the side of his face, loving him beyond anything she had ever known before and grieving how it was ending. "We don't have to yet."

He bent and kissed her deeper than deep, his mouth gently demanding to know all of hers. Her arms treasured him against her and her touches were gentle, sweet, caring against his back, arms, and shoulders. Slow, torturously slow, he moved inside of her against the swollen and tender flesh that was growing anxious. So sensitive, she swore she could feel more now than ever before—the way he would slide deeply in and fill her to bursting point then roll his hips forward so that his length and girth applied pressure to every last place inside—then he would draw back and leave her desperate to be filled again before pushing back in and breaking the pleasure circuits she possessed. Over and over again. Sharing each others short breaths as they kissed and panted through the torture of bliss, dirty bodies totally invested in the moment they were sharing, Cas and Alex's eyes would drift open between and during kisses to see the other.

As Cas made Alex feel like the most beautiful and perfect woman alive, she gasped out softly. "You're—" she began, then let out an incoherent sound of utter admiration and arousal. She couldn't think of a word.

"Inside of you," he whispered, like he was finishing her sentence for her.

It struck her as funny and she abruptly laughed so softly. "Oh, are you?" she asked—thank you, Captain Obvious—and then her grin fell away as his hips drove forward again and her insides were stretched to the brim with beautiful pressure. "Ahh… shit, Cas," she swore in panting appreciation. She was about to go insane completely. It felt so good—he was giving her everything he had and investing everything in giving her pleasure before himself and her eyes pricked with tears again. How had she ever deserved such a lover like him? She wanted to stay here in his arms forever but she was very aware of where they were and that every second they spent doing this could spell disaster if they were attacked. She didn't want it to end, but… "Cas… nggh—w-we have to make this happen," she reminded breathlessly as he continued to make the most beautiful and torturously slow love to her. "Sooner rather than later, ahh…"

He stopped then and looked at her, and the look on his face said what he whispered next. "I—I just don't want it to be over." She understood that he meant. Not just sex. Everything.

Her eyes flooded with tears and she nodded. "I know." Her arms tightened around him and she craned her neck up to push her forehead to his. "I know."

He tilted and angled his face to hers, giving her one last sweet, small kiss. And then, he shifted them slightly, wedging himself deeper into her. "Hold on to me," he whispered. She already was, but she held on tighter as his arms held her even closer—she wrapped her non-injured leg around his middle as he let out a sound that was a half-growl and half-whimper as he began to move himself in her again—but this time was hard and fast, so hard and fast so that skin slapped. Keeping quiet was the struggle as his actions very rapidly caused intensity to build as her body responded. Cas groaned soft and low, gritting his teeth as he fought himself hard. "This—uh—" Cas panted incoherently, then confessed his inability brokenly. "I can't—!"

Alex couldn't reply, could only cry out softly and hold onto him tighter, waiting for him to lose composure and come, but he didn't—he had his eyes screwed shut and he wasn't going to stop or give in until she had come, too. Which, to be honest… she felt it. The tightening tremors of pleasure began to build and stack onto each other, promising one final peak of ecstasy. As her body began to tense and the feeling continued to build, Alex shut her eyes tight and her eyebrows slammed together as a fear grew that she wouldn't be able to get there because holy shit I need it. All she could do was hold on at that point because it was all about to shatter and her mind didn't even know if it could comprehend what was about to happen. Cas, totally attentive to her even at the height of his own frantic need, tightened his hands on her and drove impossibly harder and faster, whimpering and panting sharply against her skin in the sweat-soaked work to take them to rapture—she stifled a cry. Christ! It kept getting more and more impossibly intense, leaving her frenzied for the promised flood. She heard herself breathing out moans and she tried to muffle them for many reasons, ducking her mouth down and burying her face into the crook of Cas's neck. "Oh—" she gasped softly despite her best efforts to remain silent. "Oh, oh!" Her body surrendered to him completely. Her fingers clenched into his hair hard and her body lurched underneath his in a familiar, ecstasy-driven pattern as wonder and rapture took ownership. In his arms on the ground of Purgatory, she died a small death.

Eyes closed and face burying in her shoulder, Cas gave a helpless, intense cry he muffled into the skin of her shoulder as her release triggered his—and it was powerful. He sounded amazed and scared all at once as it began for him; his fingers dug into her skin, his hot breath hit her skin as he groaned out fierce, all-consuming satisfaction in her arms and ravished her with strong hips and helpless undulations. His body shivered and shuddered and spasmed against and inside of hers, giving over everything he had as they remained lost in the rapture they had created together.

Finally, both spent and exhausted and drained, they went still, resting together close and breathless as echoes of bliss pulsed in racing veins. Cas cradled her close to himself and stayed deep inside as their thundering hearts matched in beat. On Alex's chest, the penny and ring on their chain rested and Cas's hand slid up her forearm and into her hand, palm to palm. Their fingers closed and held tight then he pulled her hand up to his mouth and kissed the skin there then let his eyes meet hers. It was hard to say whose expression was more pained as they both clearly thought about it: they were about to be torn apart forever. Alex held his hand tighter as her eyes began to ache and burn. "I love you," she whispered, wishing there were a way to show him how much. Nothing felt big enough. Not words, not kisses, not sex. Nothing.

"And I love you," he returned readily, speaking just as softly and sadly as she did. His eyes were filled with tears, regrets, pain, love. All at once. "I always have," he whispered, barely audible at all. "And I always will." His fingers traced down the side of her face. "From wherever I am to wherever you are," he promised. She nodded bravely, trying not to cry again, trying to be strong for both their sakes. Then he shifted and pulled the chain off of his neck and carefully placed it in her hand, ring and penny first. Alex frowned slightly, not sure why. "Just… take these," he whispered. "And remember me. Know that nothing has changed for me."

Her voice caught in her throat and she revealed her innermost feelings when she clenched her hand around the objects and told him the truth—that she'd never stopped seeing him as her husband. "Me either," she said, voice cracking. "Nothing at all, ever." He let out a shaky, tearful breath when she said that, like it was what he had been hanging on for and needing to hear. And Alex reached for him, wrapped her arms around him and she began to cry, burying her face in his neck. "This isn't fair," she sobbed. "It's just not fair."

Cas turned his face toward her, cradled the back of her head in a hand, and he began to cry, too.