Song Remains the Same

Chapter 130 / Game, Set, Match

"There is such a special sweetness in being able to participate in creation."
- Pamela S. Nadav

The Next Day
Prosperity, Indiana

It was early morning—the kind of early morning that still feels like late night. The sunrise would be soon, but for now, the motel room was dark and quiet as the outside world remained asleep. On one of the two beds the room contained, an angel in a trench coat laid wrapped up in the embrace of a woman wearing jeans and flannel. It was strange… she was much smaller in stature than her companion, but she was the one who held him.

Cas's soft, forlorn voice broke another long span of silence. "It just isn't fair. Or right." With his head curled into Alex's chest, he didn't have to speak loudly to be heard. "I killed someone who did nothing to deserve it."

With a tense expression, Alex nodded and her fingers curled more tightly into his hair, drawing him fractionally closer. "I know, Cas."

On and off for the long, dark hours of this night, he'd told her what he'd done. How he had gone to Jane's tiny apartment. Seen where she lived and the little humble life she led. The fluffy white cat she owned, the church flyer on her refrigerator. The post-graduate homework piled up on her table. Then the look on her face when he had ambushed her.

Alex and Cas were both very aware of how terrible what he had done was. Alex didn't know what exactly had changed Castiel's mind about killing Jane the Nephilim and starting the trials of Heaven… only that he was agonized over his actions. She wished she could take away his pain somehow. "You did what you had to do, right? For the greater good. To save a lot of people." With Heaven closed and angels unable to get out and cause trouble, things would be safer. For the entire world, yes, but especially for Alex and Cas who were always under the line of fire, it seemed. Alex felt a little guilt creep when she thought about it because who was she kidding? She was so selfish…

Cas was incredibly quiet and it took him a moment to reply. "Yes. To save people. The most important ones, especially." Alex felt his hands pull her a little closer to himself. "But… the look on her face when I…" he shuddered against her slightly and Alex wondered if he would cry again. He had cried a few times tonight and it broke her heart. "It haunts me." His voice broke and he held her even harder.

Alex guessed maybe she could have told him a generic 'it's all gonna be okay.' But she knew from experience that it wasn't gonna be. Not quite. The people you killed stayed with you. Glossing over reality didn't feel loving. So, she told him the truth: "And it will. Possibly forever." Cas drew back and looked at her in a stricken, confused way. In pain because of his pain, she touched his face and rubbed a thumb across the wet skin of his cheek. She felt powerless to take away his suffering. His face twisted slightly as he held her gaze, and she noticed it again: something was different about him right now and she couldn't put her finger on what, but the way he kept looking at her… she was aware of it again. Something was shifting. Deepening.

Cas looked at her openly, like he trusted her implicitly, like he was hanging on her every word, like he was depending on her for the answer to all his ailments. "How do you get past the things you've done?" he asked earnestly. Her expression must have registered surprise or hurt, because Cas immediately tried to take it back. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean—"

"No, no," she said quickly, shaking her head. He didn't mean it like that and she knew that—her quasi-offended reaction was because she had a lot to feel guilty over. She had done so many things and often, just not thinking about them at all was the solution. But you couldn't run forever from the thoughts that came at night. How did she get past it all? She shook her head, eyes becoming sightless as she thought deeply. "I… dunno. You just keep going, I guess." That was the only choice a lot of times. Well, it wasn't the only choice, but… for her, it was. "Some people cover it over with alcohol. Drugs. Sex. Denial. All of the above." A cynical little laugh puttered out of her lips and she shrugged, not feeling like her sorry excuse for advice would help at all. "You just… try to do more good than bad. Balance the scales a little." Cas was listening in earnest attention and Alex felt more and more like a sham. "I'm not really an expert at being okay with the things I've done, so I'm not really the best person to give advice about it actually." Self-loathing crept in. She could talk all day about being well-adjusted but she knew she'd probably never be anywhere close.

Cas brought her back from the edge of the brewing bad thoughts with the touch of his hand and the hush of his voice. "You are a good person, Alex. Better than good." Confused, Alex looked at him. His eyes, bright like coastal waters, were sincere beyond belief. He held her face tenderly. "I see great kindness and love in you," he murmured, intriguing her and leading her to wonder if she really was the person he seemed to believe her to be. "I see how you believe in the chance of a better world," he said, surprising her and touching her heart at the same time. "I believe in that, too."

Her eyebrows rose faintly. Every time she thought she knew him and that he couldn't surprise her… she got proved wrong. "Don't ever stop believing," she told him, feeling like their hearts were completely connected in that moment. "Because sometimes… it'll be really hard."

His expression softened even more; his eyes stayed deeply gazing into hers, she saw that strange, unexplainable look on his face again. "You give me reasons to keep going." Fingers gently stroked through her hair. Alex felt her throat catch and a sudden surge of wild emotion. In all the world, in all of time, no one had shared what they had. "No one else could ever take your place," he murmured, his voice brimming with emotion that matched what his bright blue eyes were filled with. "Ever. You are my life."

She could have melted or disappeared and she was bashful and intimidated and overwhelmed all at the same time… and close to tears. "Stop, Cas," she whispered through a strained throat. Dammit. More crying… that was just what she wanted.

Confusion flitted across his face. "Stop what?"

It was too late. "Making me cry, goddammit!" She gave a frustrated sound at the waterworks. Seriously… something was wrong with her hormones or something. "I swear, I cried yesterday when I heard My Sharona on the radio!" she exclaimed, because if that didn't tell you something was wrong, nothing would.

Castiel's eyebrows worked inward and his eyes squinted. "I… don't know what that is."

"Well not something you cry at, I'll tell you that much." She swiped at her eyes and explained why that goofy song had made her cry in the backseat of the Impala yesterday. "It reminded me of being a teenager and how much I loved my stupid pimply teenage brothers and how we're not teenagers anymore and… shit… here I go again!" The weepy stuff was back. "S-sorry," she mumbled, trying to get herself together.

Cas wiped at her tears with steady fingers, smiling at her with this soft, lovestruck expression that seemed to transcend the moment. His low voice was husky and rich. "Don't be sorry."

Smiling through the tears, Alex thought about just how good she had it. How thankful she was for this life. "You really are the best thing that's ever happened to me," she whispered, searching his eyes and seeing the one she believed to be her soulmate staring back at her.

Cas's expression dropped slightly—his eyes fell away. It took him a moment to speak. "How you can say that after… after everything…" he caught her hand in his and his thumb brushed over her knuckles as his eyes looked into hers again hesitantly. "It humbles me very much." He sighed softly and Alex said nothing, just touched his face and let her thumb brush against his cheek soft and slow. She would never forget the bad things that had happened to her because of him. But the good things burned brighter and stood stronger than anything else could. Cas peered into her eyes then tentatively asked a question he seemed afraid to hear an answer to. "I know it seems like a truly ludicrous question after everything I've done, but… do you think I'm a terrible per—uh—angel?"

Her reply was immediate, soft, and honest. "No. You're not a terrible person." Her voice was strong. "Ever." She hesitated and then was incredibly gentle. "You have done terrible things. But… I mean, so have I. So has Sam and Dean and… basically everyone I've ever known. Being alive means you're gonna mess up." She sighed out a strained breath. "If you can make more things right than make them wrong, it's okay in the end." She felt a twinge of doubt. "It has to be." Alex slid her hands down to Cas's and laced her fingers through the spaces between his. She reminded him of what was going to happen for them soon. "We're gonna be together. After getting torn apart so many times, we're gonna stay together." Her voice wavered because she wanted her words to be true so badly. "All this work you and Sam are doing… Heaven, Hell… those places'll be bad memories. And then we can just… be. Whatever that means. That's what's getting me through right now."

A sad little smile stretched his lips fractionally wider. "Yes. It's the same for me." He looked at her for a long moment, got intensely serious, then said something she hadn't anticipated. "I would take away the nightmares if I could."

She was startled. She found the topic transition jarring. "I've always had nightmares," she said somewhat stiffly, retreating from vulnerability and trying to hide her pain and fear from him.

Cas grew sadder and quieter. "Not like these."

It was the truth, and it cut through her like a knife, stopping her dead in her tracks. After a brief moment of silent, steady eye contact, Alex abandoned her guard and let him see into her darkness. "No," she replied softly, "not like these." For a minute, they contemplated how terrible it was that she had them at all and that it was unknown how long she would have them. "I have you now, though," Alex ventured. And he helped. He helped so much.

Cas's heart was in his eyes. "Yes. You have me." He pulled her close, nestling them together, holding her in the safe warmth of his chest, sending feelings of safety settling over her. She shut her eyes and instead of happiness, she suddenly fought a wave of overwhelming despair and fear. She feared it would all crash and burn like it always did. Her fingers clenched into his coat and she told herself to stop being afraid. But it was too hard not to be. "I know you're acting brave," Cas murmured, his fingers curling sweetly into her hair. "But I also know Hell has left its mark." Alex held on tighter. His lips pressed against her forehead and then he spoke against the skin there. "I'm here," he told her softly, in a voice full of empathy and care. "And you can always tell me anything."

If you had gone back in time and told the Alex who just met Castiel how they would end up being not only lovers but best friends, she would have scoffed in your face. If you'd told her she would find someone whose feelings and thoughts she cared about as much as her own, as much as that of her brothers… she would have called you crazy. And here she was. Thinking of Cas more than herself, hoping that he knew she was the one who was there for him like he was there for her. Pulling back enough to look at him, she did. His familiar face with its strong careworn features, roadmap of age lines, and soulful cerulean eyes. No other man could ever be as beautiful as he was to her. "I'm here, too," she whispered then took his face in her hands and kissed him, a soft and lingering touch of her lips to his. They breathed each other's exhales and Castiel's arms gently tightened around her. When she pulled back to look at him, something about his expression made her pause. "What?" she asked. He looked… incredibly sappy, a little daunted, and deeply emotional—there was something about his expression that she didn't recognize. When he didn't explain, she prompted him again with a half smile. "Why do you have that look on your face?" It was like he knew something.

He searched her eyes for a long moment. "After everything we've been through and faced, I think we can make it through anything together. Do you think so too?"

Alex was beginning to frown in confusion. "Yeah…"

Castiel swallowed, shifted, and then opened his mouth to say something, closed it after changing his mind, then opened it again. "I'm… I don't know exactly how to tell you this… but…" he took her hand in his and held it in a way that seemed to portray ultimate reverence. "You and I…" he swallowed, began to look worried. "The—the reason I decided to begin the Heaven trials… well…" Alex waited, starting to get worried. He was looking at her in this crazy weird way and if she didn't know better, she'd think he was about to break a sweat. "Alex," he said in a thick voice, and a worried smile broke his face as he struggled with whatever he was about to tell her. "We're going t—"

There was at that moment a knock at the door and a call of, "Knock knock." The door cracked open. "Everybody uh, decent?" It was Sam, and he was half-holding a hand in front of his eyes as if bracing for a traumatizing sight. When he saw that everything was G-rated, he apologized to the interrupted couple. "Sorry you guys, but, uh, Dean's wanting to hit the road and get on this address-from-Crowley thing." He jerked a thumb over his shoulder apologetically.

Alex sighed her frustration but knew that the overnight stopover had been enough dilly-dallying. She was already sitting up fast and swinging her legs up over the edge of the bed. "Yeah, okay, we just—oh god." She barely had time to grab the nearby trash can, that's how fast the nausea hit her. Not her best moment, vomiting violently in front of Sam (who had seen her puke a million times before during their lifetime) and Cas (who she really didn't want seeing her like that, thanks). When she'd loudly deposited all of her stomach's contents into the trash can, Alex stayed leaned over it with closed eyes as she took in hard, sharp breaths and clenched the bedspread with both hands. That's when she realized Cas was right beside her, keeping her from falling. "Oh god," she groaned, refusing to look at him. "No, don't look at me…"

Sam was standing there with an appropriately grossed out expression. "That's… ugh." He got a look from his sister and he gave her a sympathetic (if grossed out) smile. Sam was one of those people who couldn't stand vomit or being around it—it always made him feel sick when it happened. Still, he dutifully managed to make himself useful. "I'll uh, get you a washcloth."

Beside Alex, still holding her gently by the forearms, Cas was concerned. "Are you all right?"

Alex still didn't make eye contact—there was puke on her face, she could feel it. "I got sick yesterday, too," she said, worrying. Maybe it was an ulcer. She watched Sam at the motel room sink wetting a washcloth as the putrid taste of vomit slouched in her mouth. "This is the worst…" she touched her stomach weakly, cursing it. That's when she remembered what she ate last night and she groaned again and shut her eyes. "It's all that tunafish I ate last night… it always makes me feel sick but I just… I just wanted it so bad."

Beside her, very quiet and even a little somber, Cas was regarding her oddly. "I… don't think it's tunafish."

Alex looked at him, puke splattering the corner of her mouth and everything. Something about his tone made her heart drop. Was something wrong with her? Did Cas know something? A washcloth was suddenly thrust into her face. "Here you go." Alex gave Sam a correcting frown then took the cloth and wiped at her mouth as he crossed his arms and looked down at her in a slightly prim way. "I told you not to eat that tuna."

Immediately annoyed, Alex smacked the washcloth down and mimicked him childishly as she stood up and crossed the room. "'I told you not to eat that tuna.'"

Sam threw his arms out innocently. "Well I did," he defended. And yes, he had. Maybe she should have listened.

Alex rinsed her mouth out at the sink, the entire time thinking of all the things that could be wrong with her. Part of her wanted to live in denial and not know. But she couldn't stand it and when she turned around to see Cas and Sam standing together, she asked before she could decide not to. "Is—is something wrong with me, Cas?"

He looked distinctly put on the spot and glanced at Sam uncomfortably then cleared his throat delicately. "No. Nothing is wrong. It's…" he shuffled and glanced at Sam again before looking at Alex. "It's just um, a—a virus of some kind."

It was Sam's turn to ask a very worried question. "It's not… not some kind of… resonating? With me, because of the trials and how we're… you know… twins?" he asked, indicating himself. He looked over at Alex, and he was the picture of distress. "Ever since you said that I haven't been able to stop worrying about it."

Cas put an end to the twins wondering. "No," he said grimly. "She's not… resonating with your trials-related ills, Sam."

Deeply relieved, Sam drew in a deep breath. "Good," he murmured, nodding. "Good." He paused and then indicated his sister while looking at Cas in expectation. "Well… what are you waiting for, then? Can you do your angel stuff and make her feel better?"

Again, the angel looked incredibly put on the spot and he visibly tried to find words for a few long seconds. "Uh… this is one I don't think I can, uh… make better." With shifty eyes, he backed up a couple steps. "You said Dean is waiting outside?" Cas was stern. "We really shouldn't keep him waiting." He surprised both of the twins when he turned and walked out of the room, leaving no chance for more questions. That was… kinda unlike him.

Brother and sister both watched him with identical confounded expressions. Sam was the first to speak. "Okay. Weird…"

Alex stared after the angel who was definitely acting weird and had been trying to tell her something big. "Yeah…" she said, but she couldn't figure out what was going on or if she should be worried or not.

Sam became gentler as he watched his tense-faced sister. "You okay?" He probably meant about Cas and Jane and another sleepless, grief-filled night.

But Alex would rather have not talked about that any more for the time being, so she sidestepped. "I'll be okay when my stomach quits hating me," she grumbled.

Sam held a finger up. "Ah, reminds me." He fished out a bright pink bottle of Pepto Bismol from his jacket pocket and handed it over. Alex looked at him with question marks in her eyes… when did he get this? He smiled wearily. "Couldn't sleep, knew your stomach was bothering you. Anyway, maybe it'll help. If you can keep it down, anyway." His smile was sad, ginger, and fond all at once.

Bombarded with more huge emotions, Alex abruptly hugged him, hard. "You seriously are the best, you know that?" she whispered fiercely. It was very surreal: He would be dead right now if she hadn't gone to Hell. He would be gone. She reminded herself of that, and it made the nightmares worth it. Him, breathing and alive and confused as she crushed the life out of him… it made it a little more okay.

"Hey—whoa—" Sam was hugging her back uncertainly because he was obviously surprised at the outburst. "It's just medicine. It's no big deal. You sure you're okay?"

She smiled up at him, about to crack a joke. Then the joke left her mind as her stomach cramped and rolled—she blanched with wide eyes, gone prone. "No—Jesus Christ, I'm gonna hurl again," she wheezed.

"Whoa, well not on me!" Sam yelped, jumping back as if he would get the plague.

With a hand pressed flat to her stomach, Alex waited several long seconds then smiled wanly. "False alarm." She gave him a grumpy look. "You're a real hero, Germs McGee."

"You know I don't like vomit," he whined, and then gave her a wide, careful berth as they exited the motel room.