Song Remains the Same

Chapter 136 / What To Expect When You're Expecting

"There is no way out of the experience except through it."
- Penelope Leach

Almost Two Months Later
Milton's Café
Lawrence, Kansas

"Yeah, exactly—which is why they'll never even make the playoffs!" Sam said, leaving his twin laughing ruefully and shaking her head.

"Listen, that team is a fucking disgrace," Alex agreed, chuckling cynically behind her decaf coffee.

The cozy downtown café was quiet on that Thursday mid afternoon—the perfect spot for a couple of siblings who hadn't seen each other in awhile to catch up. Over in an out-of-the-way corner, the Winchester twins leaned over a table with mugs in hand. So far, talk had been on very lighthearted and non-consequential subject matter. But as much as Alex was enjoying seeing Sam again, it felt time to delve a little deeper. "Anyway, enough about teams that never come through," she said, fixing him with a solicitous gaze. "How's life these days on your end of things?"

Translation: 'what's life without me been like the past two months?'

Sam took her meaning and for a microsecond, his expression faltered. Then he tried to be optimistic. "Well… it's, it's different, I'll give you that much." The twins shared a thin smile briefly. Yeah. It was different. Ever since Dean had essentially kicked Cas out, Alex had stayed gone—meaning it was just the brothers at the Bunker. Well, the brothers and Kevin. Bobby sometimes too. Dad was still missing. Sam grew quieter, both in energy and volume. "He says you still won't talk to him."

At the nameless mention of Dean, Alex bristled faintly, taking a moment to manage her spike in discomfort by turning her coffee in her fingers a few times. Maybe it was pride, maybe it was boundaries, but… she wasn't budging yet. "And I'm not going to until he apologizes, either. And explains himself, too." More sadness gathered on her twin's face and Alex sighed softly. "Don't give me that look, Sam."

Regretful, Sam shrugged briefly. "I just… kind of don't know what to do when you two aren't getting along."

Alex contemplated the steam rising up off her coffee somberly for a minute. She heard the unspoken appeal. In her and Sam's near-daily texts, this was a topic Alex had asked be kept off limits. She had known that this would come up in person today and did her best to explain. "You know I love him," she said honestly, feeling that steady old affection squeeze her chest as she sought Sam's gaze. "More than almost anyone else on this whole goddamn planet, but…" yeah, she would do almost anything for either of her brothers, but she wasn't going to crawl back just yet after what her oldest had done. Yes Dean texted and called her… and yes, she was still ignoring him and stewing. He had betrayed them when they needed him the most and Alex was still trying to figure out how to move past that. "It's just not right, what he did to us," she said, brow furrowing as her eyes dropped to stare into lazy steam again. "And I just can't shake this feeling like… he's up to something."

Sam's brow furrowed too. "…What would he be up to?"

That was the exact question. It weighed on her mind constantly, uncomfortably. It just didn't make sense. "Dunno. This… it just doesn't sit right with me." She glanced out the window briefly, troubled. "It really seemed like he accepted me and Cas for a little while there. I thought he and Cas were friends. Family, even…" And to come home then be immediately told to leave and stay away… it bothered Alex. Constantly.

Sam studied his sister for a second. "So I'm guessing you haven't told him yet."

Alex's eyes flicked up to his. She didn't need specifics as to what Sam was referring. Her pregnancy. "Yeah uh—maybe once he's done being a certifiable prick," she wisecracked, trying to use humor in an attempt to make it all hurt less. It didn't really work.

In years past, Alex wouldn't have ever conceived that she would be pregnant and Sam would know before Dean did. But here they were. And while it made her grateful for the closeness she and her twin had found as adults, at the same time it hurt deeply to think of keeping this from Dean. Such a meaningful rite-of-passage type moment in life, and her big brother was missing out on it completely for now.

Ever the encourager, Sam put in a hopeful word. "He'll come around, I know he will." Alex smiled softly, touched as always by her brother's willingness to see the good in any situation. "He's just being overly cautious," Sam reasoned. "And I mean can you blame him? Purgatory, Cas and his angel mind control, you went to Hell, I almost died… Jamie did die…" he trailed off even as sobriety descended over Alex. She met Sam's waiting gaze. "I know he's our big brother but he's still human, Alex. He has a lot on his shoulders." There was a significant pause. "Maybe more than either of us knows."

Alex nodded, conceding with torn feelings. "I know. Just…" how did she put this into words? Her mind was heavy with thoughts of what Dean had been through. Heavy with the thought of Jamie's bitter end. "He makes it really hard sometimes."

Receptive and empathetic, her twin nodded sadly. "I know, trust me I know." He sighed heavily. "You didn't see how hard it was for him when… when she died," he ventured momentarily. Something about Sam's tone had Alex's immediate rapt attention. "I haven't seen him like that before, Alex. Not over someone who wasn't you, me, or Dad." That said a lot without many words. "I keep catching him trying to find ways to bring her back," he confessed lowly, increasing Alex's bewilderment. "I mean, it's pretty much a full blown obsession at this point." He shook his head, traces of his stress showing through. "I didn't even know if he was gonna let me close Hell or not with her still down there, Alex. For a little while he had let it go, and then… well, he's back at it again I guess."

Alex digested. She had missed a lot of details after being held captive in Heaven and then being dragged to Hell just after. And this was a big one. "So you're saying… what, he loved her?"

"No, not loved," Sam replied immediately. "Loves. Present tense." Alex sat back in her seat. Sam had never used this kind of terminology with Cassie or Lisa. Her twin looked out the window briefly, his hand hard on his mug of coffee. "Believe me, I hate that she's down there too, I just…" he shook his head, vexed. "Guess I still don't know if I made the right choice, stopping last minute like I did." He looked back at Alex, and he seemed so very unsure and sad in that moment. "What's one life sacrificed if it means Hell gets closed?"

He wasn't talking about Jamie. He was talking about himself, and how he'd been okay with dying to close Hell for good. Alex shook her head no and leaned over the table, keeping his gaze purposefully. "If that one life is your life, I'm with Dean," she said with a certain degree of severity. "We have to find another way to shut it down. And maybe finding another way gives us enough time to get Jamie out." She sat back again, disturbed as she thought over everything. "Hell is no place for an innocent soul, Sam. We both know that." Jamie was their friend—and much much more to their oldest brother. It wasn't right for her to be there, but Hell was full of many souls who shouldn't be there too.

Her brother grew softer again. Something about his face told Alex that he was afraid to tell her what he did next. "Sometimes the road Dean's going down… it reminds me of Dad," he confessed in a murmur. "How bad he wanted to get a woman back who was gone forever."

Understanding suddenly dawned and Alex had to take a moment. This all really caught her off guard. It was that deep? A lot more happened when I was gone than I realized, I guess. At the end of the day, Alex knew her oldest brother suffered from the Winchester curse same as them all: "That's the hard part," she muttered, thinking of Dean's dilemma in new light and very sorry indeed that he was going through it at all. "Knowing who is and who isn't really gone forever."

Sam's features remained pensive. "Yeah."

While Alex remained quite honestly surprised to hear that Dean had feelings that deep for Jamie… she couldn't criticize him. It was in his character to want to save those he loved. She understood that urge. After all, she'd gone to Purgatory to bring back two men everyone thought were dead, she'd lived in obsession for almost a year to make it happen. If this was Sam's angle, it was working… Alex felt herself leaning toward contacting Dean now that she understood more. Plus, she really wanted to know from the horse's mouth more about his relationship with Jamie.

But that would have to wait. And anyway, there was something else on her mind that she'd been waiting to bring up. From keeping in touch with Sam via phonecalls, video calls, and texting, she knew that the boys were back to little hunts while waiting for Kevin to finish translating the angel tablet. Alex of course had been keeping a side-eye on the news as always, fighting the urge to investigate suspicious stories in favor of pursuing a safe, typical life with Cas while being pregnant. But she was still dying to know. "So hey, how is out there, anyway?" she asked, trying to breech the subject casually. "With hunting?"

Sam shook his head and gave a jaded sigh. "Same old barrage of crazies—now with a bunch of pissed off fallen angels thrown in." He paused, suddenly realizing something. A knowing smile grew as his eyes narrowed. "…You miss it, don't you?"

Alex crossed her arms, indicating that would be ridiculous. "Why would I miss hunting?" Sam chuckled, already too far ahead for her to even attempt to play it cool. As such, she let out a defeated but good-natured sigh. "Okay. Fine. Yes." She shrugged and rubbed at her forehead absently. "I've never really done anything else, so yeah this whole… civilian life thing is…" She paused, trying to come up with the right way to say it. "I mean some parts are really great." Like waking up beside Cas every single day—the quiet, humble routine of work and home life. But even though domestic bliss had its appeal… "Other parts are really fucking boring and irritating."

"Sounds about right." Sam cracked a tiny grin at her misfortune, which turned into a bigger grin as he said what he did next. "Gotta be honest—never thought I'd see the day when you were working a nine-to-five." He was either proud or in disbelief. Maybe both.

"For real," Alex chuckled in pleasant cynicism, still not sure she believed it herself. Cas had a job as a clerk at a Gas-n-Sip and she worked at a local auto shop. The days were long and the pay was… well, it was just okay. "I don't know how so many people live their lives like this," she muttered half to herself. "Or why anyone would want to." She scratched her head briefly. Some parts were really nice. Like all-night movie marathons with an angel who was curious about every facet of modern day entertainment and culture. Board games, nights spent in pajamas with takeout, walks on the local nature trail, sleeping in on weekends, baby and pregnancy research together, trips to the grocery store (Cas had quickly learned that he liked to plan then make detailed lists to shop from—whereas Alex preferred to just throw things in the cart that looked good in the moment). It was everything they had both been waiting for and dreaming of for so long. Time together. But it was different, and very often it felt wrong to live quietly knowing what they did about the world. But Alex was giving it a fair chance and filing it away as long-deserved. They'd earned this time together. Even if it was a pain in the ass to do it the way her angel had wanted to. "We're doing everything honest—Cas insisted," she lamented. Meaning, no scams, no money laundering, no stealing. "And obviously… I hate it," Alex said with a little self-conscious laugh. "Rent, bills… no motel staff to do the cleaning for you…" she shook her head at herself, half-amused. This side of life was daunting for her in most moments. "Cas is actually better at most of it than I am."

Sam was amused and confused at the same time. "Like what?"

The list was long. "Cooking. Cleaning. Laundry. Money…" Alex smiled to herself, shrugging at the thought of her own bumbling way of moving through 'normal' life. "All of it."

"Cas is good with money?" Sam asked, then contemplated and seemed to decide maybe that wasn't so far-fetched. "Yeah actually, I can kind of see that now that I'm thinking about it."

Alex nodded, plucking her wallet out of her back pocket. "I'm glad one of us is—'cause all I'm good at is shit like this." She smacked down her fake ID for him to check out.

He picked up the very convincing State of Kansas ID, pausing when he saw the fake name on it. "Alice Worcester…?" he asked, half-smiling. "Well listen, as long as you're not going by Seymour Butts anymore."

Alex laughed in earnest at that one, taking the ID back and shaking her head at days gone by. "That one was too obvious, huh."

"Speaking of names..." Sam started, then hesitated almost nervously. "You got any in mind for Junior in there?"

Alex faltered for a moment. While she and Cas discussed their son regularly, she wasn't showing quite enough that it was obvious and they didn't really tell others about the pregnancy for now. Sam was one of the only ones who even knew she was pregnant. His innocent inquiry made what felt like a secret feel much less that way. More real somehow. And it was thrilling and scary all at the same time. "Maybe…" she said, a secretive little smile playing on her mouth. "Still mulling, I guess."

It was Sam's turn to reach for something. "Well, I uh, I got you something." He produced a tiny pair of knit baby booties from his jacket pocket—they looked like mini hunting boots, like a pair Alex used to own in fact. "It's kind of stupid maybe, but I saw these in a window and, uh… yeah. They look just like that old pair you used to have. Had to get 'em." He laughed nervously, studying her for her reaction.

The thoughtfulness, the love behind the action—Alex found herself with eyes tearing up as she reached out to take the little shoes. It was the first gift for her child from someone other than herself or Cas. "Sam—I love them. Thank you so much." She studied the little booties with a great deal of emotion. And then a realization thunder-clapped over her and she held a finger up in sudden remembrance. "Oh!" She reached into her pocket, fishing around. "We went for a sonogram a couple weeks ago!" She'd meant to show him this at the beginning of the visit. She pulled out a flimsy little black and white printout. Fondly, she smiled at the monochrome image of a fuzzy small shape inside a large dark hole and handed it over. "Makes me think of the X-Files," she said somewhat affectionately. Alien-esque or not, that was the first photo in existence of her son. Sam's nephew. As such, Alex found herself with a gentle tone and eager, curious eyes as she studied her brother's reaction. "What do you think, Uncle Sammy?"

Her first time referring to him that way. His eyes snapped to hers, great emotion passing across his face. Sam held the image between two fingers with a soft, awed expression. "Wow," he breathed, studying the image for a moment before his eyes came back up to meet hers. Something very profound passed between the brother and sister in that moment—some mutual realization, some deeply abiding love coupled with the understanding that life was yet again evolving. "…You're really gonna be a mom," he said after a moment in the softest voice.

Alex nodded. It was still so surreal. "Apparently," she said lightly. It was amazing and stilling, the fact that a new life was on the way. A new life that would change all of them forever… turning Alex into a mother, Cas into a father, the brothers into uncles. At first Alex hadn't known how to feel about having a kid. But after a couple months of letting the news sink in, it was now something that she held close to herself like a hopeful promise, a beautiful chance at life in a whole new way.

"You still feeling like superwoman?" Sam asked.

Chuckling, Alex nodded. "Yup. Once that nausea and the hormonal stuff passed, it's been great. Feel the best I have in years."

"Huh, who knew," Sam commented, still seeming to find that bizarre in the best of ways. Alex shrugged, feeling the same way. It was weird. Angel pregnancy wasn't bad at all after the first few hurdles—the superhuman strength, the self-healing, and the pristine health she found herself in wasn't anything to complain about. But… but. She hadn't told Sam about the apparently fatal nature of giving birth to a half angel, half human yet. Not until she and Cas had figured out a way to avoid that fate.

Introspective and sentimental, none-the-wiser to the more foreboding things that Alex knew about, Sam studied the sonogram again before looking her in the eyes once more. "Thank you for letting me be part of this, Alex, really." He held the printout out for her to take back, hesitating and speaking carefully. "And I mean… I just really hope Dean gets to be part of this soon too." At the slightly lecturing if playful look his sister gave him, he apologized and held his hands up in mock surrender briefly as he chuckled. "Sorry, sorry, I know I'm kinda a broken record I just… I miss having the family together. We worked hard to get there again and now it's… it's broken apart again."

Alex understood. "I think we both know Dean and I can't be mad at each other forever." She paused, reflecting bittersweetly. "Even if we wanted to be." She hesitated, lulled into thought momentarily, into wondering about other things. "Hey, you still having those memory gaps?"

Sam took a sip of his coffee and hissed. "Yeah. Best I can figure, must be something left over from the trials." He was visibly uncomfortable and disturbed by them, worried about what they might mean for his mental health. "I have the gaps really randomly. And sometimes Dean will say something to me like I'm supposed to know what he's talking about but I'll have no clue what he's even referring to." He shrugged and even though he tried to sound even keel, Alex could see how concerned he truly was. "Ezekiel said the trials really did a number on me."

That was putting it mildly, and it triggered Alex slightly. "They really did." Taken back to that day immediately, the trauma and heartache cast a pall over her mood with a suddenness that even she was surprised by. "I really thought I'd lost you for a little while there," she admitted, meeting Sam's apprehensive gaze with a pained one of her own. She reached across the table to where his hand rested beside his mug. "I love you, Sam," she said earnestly, taking his hand in hers. "So much. And I'm really really glad you're okay."

He nodded tensely, holding her hand back fiercely. "I love you too," he said hoarsely, and for a few seconds they stayed like that, each understanding the other in numerous degrees, maybe both remembering the moments in the church they'd shared together. Maybe reflecting on how the rift that used to be between them was gone, replaced by a solid friendship and dynamic neither took for granted. "I… I still can't believe what you did for me," Sam ventured after a moment, surprising his sister with the vulnerability in his voice. They hadn't talked about her selling her soul for him since that night at the church when the trials had gone sideways—and he was clearly trying to cover over emotional tears with a weak smile. That was so like him to feel not worthy.

Alex squeezed his hand harder, wishing he knew how to see himself like she did. The hard work and payment she'd rendered to get him well ran through her mind. As always, despite how terrible it had been, it was worth it. She stood by her decision, and would until the end. "Believe it," she said. "I'll always have your back."

He nodded readily, matching her energy. "And I'll have yours too." A careworn smile passed between them and Alex nodded. Yes. She knew that and trusted him. Her twin squeezed and they let go, Sam chuckling self-consciously and rubbing a hand to his face briefly. "Geez. Hallmark, eat your heart out, huh?"

Alex sipped at her decaf, chuckling wryly. "I blame my hormones. What's your excuse?" she asked, doing her part to lighten the mood. But Sam kept looking at her with that soulful look in his eyes, prompting Alex to frown. "What?"

He was deliberate with his response. "I'm just… really, really proud of you. The things you've been through, the obstacles you've overcome… finding love in this mess somehow, with a really good guy… now you're having a baby." He shook his head for a minute. "Makes me really happy that at least one of us gets the happy ending, you know?"

Alex contemplated him thoughtfully. "What about you though?" she asked quietly. In response, Sam's perceptive eyes jumped up to look at hers. Alex studied him closely and gently. "Who's Molly, Sam?" She watched for his response to the name associated with a lot of texts she'd glimpsed on his phone shortly before everything happened with the trials.

Just as she'd suspected, Sam's face said it all. For a minute he had to think about how to reply. "…Someone I'm really afraid to hurt." He sat back, and of all things a brief current of appreciative happiness flitted across his haggard features, making him momentarily younger. "It's kind of a long story but she's… she's just a normal person. Living a normal life. Funny, fun, smart, really sweet… we have a great time together. Met her in Vegas awhile ago, lost touch. Ran into her again after Dean got out of Purgatory… she lives in Topeka and…" He was deflating and becoming more uncertain. "We've been… hanging out I guess. A lot. And talking all the time. For awhile I tried to do the slow fade, you know? Distance myself, to keep her safe, I dunno. But... there's just something about her I can't stop going back to I guess." His youthful features were tense, and his gaze was somber, off into the sightless distance. "Haven't put a name to anything, but I mean… the way it's going, I dunno how to avoid it much longer." It should have been something exciting, but Sam sounded full of dread. "I really like her, Alex." And from the way he said it, it sounded like he'd never been more afraid.

It was difficult to hear that weight in her brother's voice. The belief that he couldn't have love. "You deserve happiness Sam." And she fucking meant that.

Sam's face worked in response to her words. In quick succession Alex saw how vehemently he wanted to believe her and how scared he was to do exactly that. "I know, I just—" he shook his head, his apprehensive eyes looking anywhere but at her. "People close to me tend to get hurt. And I'm trying to believe I'm not cursed but…" he trailed off. "It scares the shit out of me, you know?" He gave a short, humorless laugh, running a hand through his hair as some more negative emotion flared. "And Dean makes me feel terrible about it of course."

Alex hurt on her twin's behalf. He stowed his feelings, time and time again, always believing the worst of himself and bearing his deepest fears and pains in silence. "Don't listen to him," she advised softly. "If you're right, he's really hurting right now."

Ever the peace maker, Sam peered at her solicitously. "I know a way to help him out."

Alex had to smile sadly at that one. Sam truly had a one track mind. "I'm not ready," she said, although she was toying with the idea of speaking to him, and hadn't felt that way before seeing Sam today. "Hopefully someday soon though."

"Hey," Sam replied fairly, accepting her stance readily if not somberly. He gave her an understanding, bittersweet. "Fair enough."

The twins stayed at the coffee shop awhile longer, their conversation ambling from Sam's recent hunts (Alex insisted) to theories on the fallen angels, then back to Molly—because Alex wanted to know more. Even though he acted all shy and bashful (but was obviously eager to talk about her), Sam shared the full story of how he met Molly and then re-encountered her earlier that year. Alex noticed again that when her brother talked about this woman, his energy was conflicted between excited and worried. He clearly wanted to be happy… but couldn't fully let himself be. He showed off a selfie he and Molly had taken together, and in it, they beamed. Molly was extremely pretty—she had a demure energy and kind eyes, and she just looked incredibly sweet. In the photo, Sam's grin was huge and unrestrained—his dimples cut into his cheeks as his eyes sparkled with light Alex hadn't seen there in years. Interested, Alex teased Sam about wanting to meet Molly. He fidgeted and blushed, making excuses for why that would be difficult. Alex let it go, hoping that someday her brother could be at peace and happy as he deserved. Possibly with this Molly girl, who Sam really couldn't stop gushing about once he'd started. After conversation turned, Alex shared a few vignettes from life with Cas then the twins finally had to look at the clock, hug, and get ready to go separate ways. Sam once more told her he looked forward to when she would come back, encouraging her to talk to Dean—but also made sure to let her know that he was proud of her for giving normal life a try and being on the up-and-up about it.

Sam gave Alex a ride back to Apple Lane, the nearby apartment complex she and Cas currently called home. Located close to the downtown area and state university, the complex was comprised of two-story brown buildings built in the 70's—a series of tiny studio apartments that were by no means modern or luxury—but they were cheap.

Once she waved bye to Sam, Alex stayed outside a minute longer than necessary, pulling her phone out and tapping on Dean's contact info to compose a text… trying to think of what message to possibly send.

Hey. I know it's been two months of me ignoring you but how's it going?

Yo, I'm ready to talk now.

So what about that game last night?

I miss you.

The blank screen demanded she write something, but none of it seemed right. She wasn't ready after all. As such, Alex shook her head, pocketing her phone. With a sigh, she fished around for her keys. Unit 118… home sweet home. The door creaked loudly when it swung open. She stepped onto thick beige carpeting and mindlessly tossed her keys toward the little dinner tray stand by the door—her thrifted version of entryway furniture. The entire place was about 450 square feet, so 'cozy' was probably the best way to describe it.

Small or not, this was home—where Cas and Alex went to bed together and woke up with each other every day. Where they shared meals, nesting, and deeper bonding facilitated by their current stint into normal life. The uninterrupted time together after so many years of being ripped apart over and over again was something Alex would never take for granted. Even now while Cas was at work... Alex missed him a little. She decided to clean up a little then go pop in over to say hi to him in a bit.

Their apartment doorway opened immediately into a small living space where a huge stone age TV sat on a milk crate across from a futon that served as a couch. A copy of the book 'What To Expect When You're Expecting' sat on that couch, and a highlighter was beside it—Cas read and re-read the book constantly, taking notes and highlighting and dog-earing the pages—almost like he was studying to take a test or something. Some secondhand board games were piled up beside the couch and a Nintendo 64 was plugged into the television directly opposite, games stacked up haphazardly nearby—all of Alex's childhood favorites. Cas was slowly getting better at MarioKart, to the point that he was getting harder to beat. Taped to the wall above the TV was a somewhat trippy, acid-trip inspired Def Leppard poster. Cas called it 'unsettling but fascinating.' Alex called it awesome. Angel and demon wards were scrawled on the walls in every corner. On the adjacent window sill, Cas had a few little herbs he tended to daily—rosemary, basil, cilantro, sage. He also had a potted Colocasia plant in the corner. The well cared for elephant-ear like leaves were pristine and glossy.

Past the living room was the minuscule kitchen—a ragtag assembly of pots, pans, dishes, and glasses were stuffed into the cabinets, and the refrigerator was festooned with a few selfie-ish camera photos Cas had taken of them together (his arm, hand, or finger was in pretty much every photo). Alex was laughing and smiling in all the photos, often at Cas who pulled a very funny smile for photos: wide lips spread across his face without teeth showing, eyebrows pushed up to appear pleasant—everyone had a 'for picture' smile and that was his. In some photos, he was smiling for real or laughing because Alex was tickling his armpit or grabbing his ass. There were also a lot of photos of Alex by herself too, as it was becoming Cas's hobby. There were shots of her playing on the game console, reading a book about pregnancy studiously on the couch, sticking her tongue out at him with a piece of pizza in her hand, asleep and drooling in bed (Cas insisted he loved that picture and she was beautiful like that), in her work uniform giving the middle finger while winking, wrapped in a towel laughing with her eyes closed because Cas had surprised her. Alex's favorite photo was one he'd requested a passing neighbor to take: it was them, standing in front of their apartment door with him holding her in a sweet embrace from behind, his hands settled onto her stomach—the 'prom pose' as Alex liked to call it. They smiled softly in the photo, leaned into each other with familiarity and ease like the married couple they were—the married couple they were finally having a chance to be. They looked happy. And they were.

Beside the kitchen was the bedroom portion of the place. It was a work in progress: a mattress laid directly on the floor piled high with three different blankets and about seven pillows. Alex had strung up some Christmas lights overhead in an unsure effort to make the space more homey. No dressers or other furniture was present—their few belongings were shoved into the tiny closet or piled up against a corner in true sloppy Alex fashion. Cas was turning out to be quite the tidy person and could often be found neatening up after Alex's thoughtless housekeeping. He didn't seem to mind, at least not yet.

A built in shelf half-wall stood between the living room and bedroom, providing a separation between the spaces plus a little ledge. That ledge was lined with things Cas had been slowly accumulating. Neatly placed and spaced out were a rubber duck, a pacifier with a turtle design on it, a floppy teddy bear, and a bib that read Daddy's Little Angel. As always, Alex saw those things and smiled to herself, yet again realizing that she was really, truly expecting a child. She approached the ledge, gently setting the booties from Sam beside the rubber duck—then she yelped when the bed came into her line of sight and underneath the messy pile of blankets, someone moved, groaning.

For about two seconds, Alex's internal alarm bell screamed and she reached for her concealed pistol—because Cas was supposed to be at work until eight and who the fuck was in her apartment right now?! But then she realized it was Cas. But he looked terrible. She ran around the half wall through the kitchen to get to their tiny bedroom. "Cas!" He stiffly moved under the covers, squinting with a sick, disoriented expression in her general direction. "What is it? Why are you home and not at work?" Alex asked, not even giving him a chance to reply as she perched beside him and touched a hand to his clammy face, suddenly realizing… "Are you sick?"

He coughed briefly, a wet and congested sound. "Harold says I have a cold," Cas said pitifully, even as Alex pressed her palm to his hot forehead.

"You're burning up," she said in quiet surprise. He'd had allergies the past few days—sneezing and itching, that kind of thing—and Alex had given him some allergy meds to help—but apparently today he'd suddenly come down with something and fast too.

He made a sound like 'ugh.' Shutting his eyes against the touch of her cool hand to his head, he breathed out noisily then gave a valiant sniff against what was definitely a runny nose. "These sensations are ghastly."

Sympathetic, Alex stroked his forehead a few times. Poor fella. She knew she shouldn't feel fond or faintly amused at this moment, but she couldn't help it... her ultra-powerful guardian angel, her once-immortal husband was now every bit as human as her basically… and suffering from his very first cold. "What are your symptoms?" she asked, shifting closer. He reached for her automatically like she knew he would, circling her waist with his arms weakly even as his head slipped from the pillow to nestle on her lap. She re-positioned the blankets around him even as he settled so that he wouldn't get cold, then turned her attention to holding him and petting his hair soothingly.

"My head," he mumbled, a gentle hand automatically going to touch against her ever-softening, slowly-enlarging stomach. "It hurts. And I feel so cold. My throat is sore, and dry… I can't breathe out of my nose. Everything aches." He squinted up at her miserably. "I feel like I'm dying." He looked at her to explain it to him.

Alex continued to pet his head and face tenderly. "Not dying," she soothed, understanding completely. "But it does suck." She cupped his face in a hand, giving him a soft smile. "We'll patch you right up Cas." The thought of him being here for the past three or so hours suffering in bed alone made her sad though. "Why didn't you text or call?" she cajoled sadly. "I could've come back sooner and helped."

Cas shook his head faintly. He appeared exhausted and run over. "I didn't want to interrupt your sibling time. I know how much you miss Sam."

That was incredibly sweet. But in the face of his very real cold, Alex was meaningful: "Next time, call me," she said, holding his gaze until he gave a slight acquiescing nod. Satisfied, Alex smiled at him encouragingly. "I'll make soup," she said. Cas's expression faltered into something doubtful and Alex became briefly wan. "Don't look so worried, I think I can manage a bowl of ramen, Cas." She left a kiss on his forehead and gave him an optimistic smile.

…Forty Minutes Later

Alex took the crinkling plastic bag from the delivery guy and handed over two twenties. "Thanks—keep the change."

Shutting the door behind herself, she carried the takeout over to the kitchen and started unbagging. Her attempt at making ramen into soup had, of course, failed—yielding some abysmally bland and watery junk she wouldn't serve to her worst enemy. Cas took care of most cooking around here—Alex's go-to was either fast food, microwave meals, or pre-packaged stuff. No matter how much she might wish for talent cooking and baking, it just didn't seem to be there. Cas however was a different story. Now that wasn't to say he hadn't made epic messes or mistakes in this venture of his but he did have a knack for it. In either case, Alex knew when to admit defeat.

"All right," she said, carefully carrying his very tasty-smelling soup to where he had been hauled up to sit in bed. He wore a blanket around himself like some goofy Jedi Master, leaning against the half-wall. Wadded up tissues now littered the surrounding area. Despite his efforts to stay awake, Cas had been napping on and off for the past forty minutes of Alex's disastrous attempts to make him a meal at home then going for plan B instead. "Pho for you, egg rolls for me!" she announced, setting his soup down for him onto the little tray she had propped and ready. A slushy waited there already, courtesy of her brief dash to the Gas-n-Sip around the corner.

"Thank you so much," Cas said in soft appreciative wonder, his eyes taking in the items with anticipation before he looked at her and smiled, his every sappy love-struck thought written on his face.

Alex smiled back and returned to the kitchen for her stuff. As she rejoined Cas and took a cross-legged seat near him on the bed, he slurped his first spoonful of soup. His eyebrows rose. "…Oh my."

Nodded knowingly, Alex gave him a playful look. "It's healing you, isn't it?" Pho was one of the best cures she knew of for a cold or virus. Sam had introduced her to it a few years ago.

Cas would most likely have taken her question literally in times past. But today, he responded in kind without a second thought. "I think it is," he said, taking another spoonful and smiling for the first time since Alex had seen him that day. He relaxed a little. "Mmm." Alex grinned at him through the crispy egg roll she was chomping on. Watching the angel do and react to everyday things never got old for her. And even though he was ill, it was somehow endearing that he was feeling under the weather. It felt good to be caretaking him. Finally being able to just be regular together in everyday scenarios was remarkably healing.

Maybe Cas was thinking something similar, because he paused before taking another bite and smiled at her with deep, sweet emotion resting in his eyes. Alex didn't care if she got whatever he had and leaned in, giving him a brief little kiss. When they parted, Cas's tender eyes studied her a moment longer. "Thank you for taking care of me," he said, his normally deep and clear voice on the nasal and congested side. With disheveled hair, a five o'clock beard coming in, and the blanket swathed around him like it was… he was ridiculously cute and sweet.

"Well of course," Alex replied readily, giving him a cute little look like it was preposterous to think she wouldn't.

He noisily slurped on another spoonful of soup then smacked his lips and let out a satisfied sigh as he sat supported by the half-wall behind him. "It's truly flavorful. What did you say this dish was called?"

"Pho," Alex said through a large mouthful. "Ish Vietnamese."

It was Cas's turn to smile a little at her—clearly, he found her cute too. "I'll have to try and make it sometime," he said, then ate a little more, savoring it slowly. Alex settled in more, letting her head rest lightly on his shoulder as she ate another egg roll and savored the textures, flavor, and mood it put her in. She smiled to herself and closed her eyes, relishing the moment. She tended to relish any moment spent with Cas after the bumpy road that led them here. Maybe it was being pregnant, but she was constantly in a state of reflection. Of gratitude. Of hope. Well, until the darker things cropped up of course. "So how was your visit with Sam?" Cas asked momentarily.

Alex wiped at the corner of her mouth and straightened up, talking through the last few chews of her current bite. "Good. Bittersweet. He uh, he really wants me and Dean getting along again."

Cas plucked a tissue from the box beside himself. "Well so do I. And so do you." He noisily blew his nose like he'd been shown, a comical interjection to serious subject matter. When he was finished, he looked at what had come out and made a face. "Mucus is so irritating, but genius in its design," he said thoughtfully. "I don't think I like it," he decided, then crumpled it up tossed it aside as Alex had instructed—cleanup would come later. He sighed even as an entertained Alex hid a smile at his booger-musings. "Alex, the only person holding a grudge here is you," he counseled. "I think Dean was wise to make the choice he did."

Amusement about his snot forgotten, Alex schooled an instinctive protest. "But Cas, we haven't had any trouble," she pointed out. "Nothing. In two months. No angels knocking down our doors, no monsters, no anything." She tossed the last part of her egg roll into her mouth, chewing resentfully as she thought once again about Dean making them leave.

Cas contemplated her for a moment, toying with a conclusion. "Do you wish it were otherwise?"

Alex's eyes widened at the assessment and she stopped chewing for a long second. This required her to contemplate herself. "Okay, sure, yes—I'm a little stir crazy from the lack of action lately," she admitted, swallowing her bite down. "But of course I don't wish there were angels knocking down our doors." She gestured vaguely. "Dean is being highly suspect." Cas didn't look like he agreed. "He is!" Alex insisted, frustrated with her intuition and how no one seemed to key in on what she was sensing. "Cas, I know that man better than probably anyone on this planet. He's hiding something." She had to pause then because she did have more clues as of today to what, exactly, he was hiding. "Most likely connected to what he's trying to do to bring Jamie back, I guess." She hesitated, picking at a loose thread near her knee for a second. "Do you know anything about that?" She eyed Cas apprehensively.

The topic caused Cas to grow a bit more introspective and sad. He set his soup back onto the floor nearby. "Yes." He confirmed heavily, brief pain flickering across his features as he drew the blankets around himself closer, resulting in him looking like a sick little Eskimo. "When he asked me to get her out of Hell right after I brought you and your father back, I knew I couldn't handle it, not directly after pulling you both out. But I regret my choice. I think I should have. While I was still able." He sighed remorsefully, his jaw hard and gaze somewhere vague. "Consequences be damned."

Alex hesitated, fielding a lot of complicated emotions. "Did he love her?" she asked softly, and Cas's questioning eyes came to hers. "Dean never really said much to me about her. I knew they were like… I dunno, hooking up or liked each other or whatever but… he never really mentioned her to me that much. I didn't really get to see them together, you know, being in the crazy house and then 'dead' or whatever."

Cas remained thoughtful. "In Purgatory, we shared much, Dean and I." He contemplated his next words for a long moment. "He never used the word love directly, but… he didn't need to. He very much loved her."

Exhaling softly, Alex digested. "Why wouldn't he tell me that?" It didn't make a lot of sense. It hurt and confused her. "And why am I finding out about this from people other than him?"

"Because he lost her," Cas said somberly, deep in thought. "I've experienced the belief that the woman I love was dead." His eyes came to Alex's, and he didn't have to elaborate. "It's too much to carry, yet there's no other choice but to carry it—what a terrible burden to bear." His shoulders were heavy with sorrowful empathy. "I wish I could do something for him."

Alex leaned back against the wall she was close to, food temporarily forgotten. "You two still talking?" she surmised. Dean and Cas were an unlikely pair, especially after their somewhat volatile past. But Purgatory had changed things, and despite the rift Alex was apparently dedicated to maintaining, the hunter and Graceless angel were friends. They texted semi-regularly and Dean had even visited Cas (better known as 'Steve Worcester') at his work a couple times.

"Yes," Cas confirmed, watching her for her reaction. Alex stayed neutral. "And he doesn't bring her up really, but I know he still thinks about her." He shook his head, his thoughts on the same track as Alex's: "We have a special friendship that I'm very grateful for," he said fondly, reflecting for a moment before he looked Alex in the eyes once again. "And I won't say much else except I know he misses you and wants to reconnect." He abruptly dissolved into a brief fit of wet coughs, and Alex rubbed and patted his back through the fluffy blanket, sad to see him feeling bad, and still sort of surprised at how human Cas was these days.

She sighed as Cas fell quiet and sighed, leaning his head onto her shoulder now. Alex let her head gently fall to his. "I want to reconnect too," she confessed, then quickly edited herself: "When the time's right."

Cas shifted just a bit. "When will that be?"

Alex shrugged a single shoulder and reached out for his bowl of soup. "Dunno. But I'll know when I'm ready." She measured out a spoonful and shifted apart from him a bit. "I'm just glad you two get along. Never would've thought I'd see the day." She especially never thought she'd see the day where Cas and Dean were on better terms than she and Dean but hey. Wonders never ceased, or something like that. She offered him the spoonful, fractionally playful as she fed him. "Good?" she asked, smiling as he readily ate from what she offered.

"Delicious," Cas confirmed, smiling at her in a way that was both moony and loving. He grinned crookedly, reflecting. "I enjoy eating immensely."

Chuckling, Alex nodded. She knew that feeling, and handed him the bowl back. "Atta boy. Eat more, it'll help." Cas coughed once then cleared his throat while Alex reached up and scooped up the little shoes on the ledge above their heads. "Did you see? They're from Sam." She showed them to Cas proudly, beaming almost at Sam's thoughtfulness. "They look just like a pair of boots I used to have."

Given over to a gentle moment, Cas again put his bowl and spoon down to take the tiny knit items. He was something like reverent, turning them over in his hands and examining them thoroughly. "I... I love them," he said softly, his smile turning apprehensive as he paused. His tone turned to something more worried and his eyes came up to question hers. "I wonder how much longer we have."

Alex's mood sobered. What should have been their greatest joy was plagued by worries of the fatal nature of the approaching birth, and the unknown due date. Alex took the shoes back. "Well if that sonogram's anything to go by, I'm progressing at like double speed, so…" She sighed restlessly, disliking where these thoughts took her. She put the booties back where they'd been. "Maybe not that long." The staff at the clinic where they'd gone had said Alex appeared to be around twelve weeks along instead of the six weeks she actually was. Cas and Alex had of course been doing research and keeping their eyes open, but it was time to take a more aggressive approach. They both knew it and were growing increasingly uneasy. Something had to change, and soon too, but… "This baby's not coming tonight, I know that much. Let's get you better and then worry, okay?"

Cas sighed wearily then gave a puny sniff. "All right."

As the two finished eating together, Cas told Alex about how when he'd woken up that morning and gotten ready for work as she slept in on her day off. He said he'd felt a bit tired and definitely 'funny' but he'd thought it was allergies. After kissing a mostly-asleep Alex goodbye and going into work, he'd rapidly devolved. By eleven, when Alex and Sam had met up, Cas was clearly sick and Harold (the store owner) had taken over and told Cas to go home and get better.

After clearing their food away, Alex helped Cas to the bathroom for a shower ("it'll make you feel more alive, I promise") then into fresh pajamas. After she got cleaned up and crawled into bed beside him, he said he was feeling a lot better. Probably thanks to the cold meds, but still. They cuddled close as they always did, finding a comfortable and warm tangle in each other's arms. "What are you thinking about?" Alex would murmur as Cas grew more and more drowsy.

"You," he answered, his deep voice rumbling through her. "How much I love our life together." He sniffled and coughed wetly.

"Even right now?" Alex teased.

He snuggled closer, half asleep on his way to another nap. His hand was warm across the skin of her stomach. "Especially right now."

Her heart felt like it could burst when he said that. Alex kissed his forehead then held him close, memorizing every last thing about the moment, waiting for when she heard him begin to snore lightly.

The word 'cherish' was one that she typically found cheesy or a little too on the sentimental side, but the last two months… she'd truly cherished them. Every little part of the days spent close to Cas were memorable and precious: living in a hotel for a week while they apartment hunted. Getting keys to a place all of their own, celebrating with cupcakes and lemonade since alcohol was off the table. Going to a Goodwill thrift store to find things for their new home. Putting their belongings side by side in the closet. Waking up together each and every day. Going to the local book store for volumes on pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting—they regularly took turns at night reading a chapter aloud to each other. Their mutual commentary was always amusing, and they'd both learned a lot. Then there was the predictable monotony to life together, things like grocery shopping and mealtimes and bathroom routines and housekeeping… and Cas wasn't the only one learning. Alex was too. After all, living in motels for most of her life didn't lend itself to being good at living in one single place. YouTube and the internet on their phones came in quite handy. Between Alex and Cas both, there were daily searches like 'how to get stuck on food off a pan' and 'easy dinner ideas on a budget' and 'does sweeping or vacuuming get a floor cleaner' and 'proper way to fold a towel.'

There were deeper things, too: Alex's nightmares of Hell had been something Cas's steadfast comfort and presence had soothed. She was having the dreams less and less as her feeling of safety grew. In this way, living together rendered the two more closely bonded and had taught them even more about each other than ever. For example, Castiel was at his core as curious as a kitten, and Alex would go so far as to now say it was perhaps his most fundamental trait. He wanted to know about and experience everything possible, from food to music to activities, he was ready to try almost anything. He joined his boss Harold once at Toastmasters (a club that promoted communication and public speaking), convinced Alex to do an escape room with him (they got out in record time), and even went to a community outdoor yoga class. Alex did draw the line at trying something he found online called 'Prancercise' though. Cas's curiosity knew no bounds. He took their first TV apart in an effort to see how it worked—Alex of course had explained she didn't know how to put it back together and bought a new one (Goodwill again). Cas attempted to reassemble the TV he'd disassembled, but caused a small explosion instead.

Life wasn't boring these days by any means. But it was calm. Comfortable. For now, anyway…

Alex put her hand on Cas's, which still laid across her stomach. She could forget she was pregnant most days, at least physically. The only thing bothering her now was the massive appetite and sometimes a little back pain. Her stomach was definitely becoming softer and a little bigger, but she really only looked like she'd had too many tacos, not like she was growing a baby in there.

Her eyes drifted shut against the rhythmic lull of Cas's wheezing little breaths and soft snores. It may not have been a utopian life for many people: a tiny apartment, no car, sleeping on a mattress on the floor… but for Alex, this was every fantasy and dream she'd ever had. Falling asleep every night with the angel she loved. Waking up together too. Navigating life one day at a time, hand in hand.

And it was much too early to fall asleep that day… but thanks to the blissful warmth and coziness at Cas's side, she ended up doing exactly that.

A Few Days Later

Still wearing his bright blue employee's vest, Cas exited the Gas-n-Sip and crossed the fueling area with a couple sidelong glances to make sure no cars presented danger. He came to stand on the sidewalk that ran alongside the main road, waiting for a chance to cross. He jogged across lightly when it was clear, as always attuned to the sensations that being alive left him with: the breeze skimming across his skin, the birds singing as they perched on the power lines above, the way his muscles worked as he went quickly across the road, the feeling of impact each time a foot struck the ground. Without his Grace standing in the gap, he experienced life in a way he never had before. While it had been uncomfortable at first, he was growing more and more used to it all the time… more and more at peace with where he found himself. The cold he'd had a few days ago was an example of a somewhat more negative experience, but it was still an experience. And frankly, Alex's attentive care and doting over him had almost made Cas like being sick—not the being sick part of course, the being well-cared for part.

Speaking of… Cas's eager eyes found her. Beside Don's Auto Center, a weathered old picnic table stood in a grassy area. Alex sat waiting for him as always when their lunch breaks lined up, taking her greasy work gloves off one at a time. The sight of her made Cas's insides brighten. She wore blue coveralls which bore evidence of a lot of time spent under and around cars. Her face was smudged in a couple places and her hair was braided into a single plait to the side. Loose frizz danced around her face in the pleasant air. He'd never seen anyone more beautiful. She spotted him and grinned with a little wave—an action that made her look younger and lighter immediately.

"Hello, Alice," Cas greeted as he approached, smiling back. This, he had learned, was an inside joke. Their inside joke.

"Hey, Steve," she returned, lifting up the two sandwiches they'd made together this morning. They shined in plastic cling wrap. "PB and J?"

She tossed one and he caught it deftly—thanks to the fact that she did that every day and he'd had ample practice to get good at it. The first time she'd done it, the sandwich had hit him square in the face and he'd been confused as to why his wife would throw food at him like that. "Thank you," he said, grinning crookedly half out of pride at his success in catching his lunch, half because he felt a swell of love. "You look beautiful today."

Alex was picking plastic wrap off her sandwich. "You always say that," she chuckled.

He climbed up to sit beside her on top of the table. "Because it's always true," he countered, and they greeted each other with a quick kiss… then contemplated each other and kissed a little longer, a little softer, with deeper focus. Not for the first time, Cas thought of how much he loved this time together as they came apart and made eye contact. They smiled mutually, nearly bashful. Cas started unwrapping his sandwich. "How is work today?" he asked as always.

"Annoying," Alex replied readily, but her mood was still good. "You?"

Her question made him think deeply. Cas looked at the sandwich in his hands without seeing it. "It's so interesting," he relayed quietly. "The people who come into the store. The things you can learn from just a brief interaction or observation." He saw people of all ages and types pass through. Some were regulars, some he only saw once. He wondered about all these people. Who they were, what type of lives they lived, who they loved, what made them smile. His more profound thoughts faded as he thought of his more day-to-day duties. "And, well, the slushy machine is broken again." He shot her a long-suffering sidelong smile. "All in a day's work," he said, borrowing a phrase his boss Harold used a lot.

"That damn machine needs to be thrown out already," Alex commiserated, knowing how deeply he resented that thing. It was always breaking or malfunctioning. However, as troublesome as the machine was, the sweet and icy drink was delicious to consume… Cas had to admit that much. His job title of Sales Associate came with quite the array of duties: inventory, sales, customer service, cleaning… and Cas actually found it all quite pleasing and interesting, therapeutic in a way. He liked knowing what to expect and being able to complete tasks. Harold told him he was a model employee, which boosted Cas's self confidence too.

Taking a bite of his sandwich, Cas chewed thoughtfully then looked at Alex, studying her for a moment and noticing that her energy seemed a bit off. He contemplated for a few more seconds, making sure his assessment was correct. "You seem pensive," he began, and the way her eyes came to him sidelong confirmed that he was right. "What's on your mind?" he asked gently.

"Well..." she thought for a minute, her sandwich becoming forgotten in her hands. "You're happy, right? With the way things are?"

The questions made Cas falter and immediately worry. "Well, yes." His eyes studied her closely in concern—he was forever convinced she would reject him. "…Are you not?"

"No, no, yes, of course I am," she said immediately, "very much so, but…" her tone changed. Became hesitant. "I feel…" she exhaled hard and started again. "At the end of the day, neither of us are normal, Cas. Maybe that's why this feels so bizarre to me." At his bewildered face, she spelled it out for him. "Civilian life." Oh. Cas suddenly understood. "I mean it's nice for a few days but… I, well…"

"Miss hunting," Cas finished for her when she trailed off.

Her gaze was conflicted, but he was correct. "It's what I was made to do, in one way or another…" she said apprehensively, then shook her head. "Sometimes it feels like I'm hiding from who I am."

He understood that, but it wasn't as simple as she was saying. "You're staying safe during your pregnancy," he reminded.

Alex didn't seem to think he had much of a point. "Yeah but I'm kind of invincible… ish."

Cas became more quiet and withdrawn. "Until you're not." It was like their roles had swapped, leaving him human and vulnerable to almost everything while she had gained superhuman status. Temporary superhuman status. The forthcoming child was a joy. But the fatal nature of the pregnancy was unavoidable.

Alex was lost in thought, her hazel eyes searching the distance quietly. "When I first learned I was pregnant… I wasn't sure. About being a mom. And everything that comes with that." She shook her head. "Well, I'm still pretty unsure about a lot of things in life but—I do know I can't walk away from hunting. Not completely. And not forever. Just doesn't feel right. And… I don't want to, either." From the way her knee nervously bounced around, Cas could see that she felt nervous to tell him this.

"I understand," he said truthfully, sorrow coloring his tone.

Alex peered at him apprehensively. "I mean, don't you miss being an angel?"

That was a question without a simple answer, and Cas fell into a long ponder. "In some moments yes, but…" how could he explain it? He reached over for her hand. "This, here, with you… it feels right." More than right. It was his bliss. His Heaven. Their eyes held for a long moment and he saw his feelings mirrored back to him from her gentle gaze and the soft curl of her fingers around his. Cas's eyes drifted down to her midsection. She was thicker there than before, a reminder that time was ticking and giving birth would eventually kill her if they didn't find a solution. His soft feelings ebbed into misgivings. "I think what I miss the most are the powers I no longer possess," he said gravely, cursing himself for falling for Metatron's trick. At the same time though… "We both know I haven't belonged with my kind for some time now."

Alex's hand held his firmly now, gently demanding his attention. He sought her gaze. "You belong with me." The sweetest words said, paired with the most loving smile. Cas smiled, too, his heavier feelings made lighter.

"I know."

Alex pulled his hand to her stomach. Her voice grew softer. "And with him."

It never lost its fire or thrill, the reminder that fatherhood approached. But as quickly as always, that reminder was followed by another one. The subject of Cas's recurring nightmares: Alex, dying in childbirth, Cas helpless to save her. He did not dream this daily, but he dreamt it often enough. "I used to be invincible, ish," he lamented, echoing her choice of words earlier. "I just want to keep you safe."

Her response was measured. "And I wanna keep you safe too," she said. Reminding him that the burden wasn't entirely on any one person's shoulders.

"I suppose it would be more proactive to find an angel ally than to continue living like we have…" he said slowly. His first thought was that he would miss his job at Gas-n-Sip. The little store across the street caused him a small feeling of pining. But other things mattered much, much more. Like finding a way to stop Alex from dying in childbirth. A thought that was too terrifying to sit with for very long. He hated the thought that he had done that to her.

"I think we really needed this time together after everything that's happened," Alex was saying, pulling him out of his thoughts. Cas met her gaze. "And I'm glad we got it," she continued, touching his face softly to convey tenderness, "but… we gotta get back out there. We gotta strike some kind of balance." She developed a slightly coy smile. "I mean life can't just be all food and hanging out and copious amounts of incredible sex." Cas smiled helplessly back, flushing over just a little. Alex's changing hormones had sent her into sexual overdrive—most days they had multiple encounters. Neither of them were complaining. Alex grinned at his smile, knowing why he looked a little more interested in her than a couple seconds back. "It can be all that stuff and saving people and hunting things," she said, pinching his chin and kissing him briefly. "That and putting all the angels back upstairs where they belong."

He held her hand and thought for a moment about everything she'd said. She was absolutely right. They had needed this time together after being ripped apart time and time again. But it was time to move on from this brief nesting phase and 'face the music' to borrow the colloquial. While that thought was vaguely nauseating to Cas, he knew it was time. "So you want to return to the Bunker, correct?" he asked, unsure of how this would work if Dean still refused to let them stay there.

Alex slightly arched an eyebrow. "Actually… I thought maybe me and you could give the whole thing a try solo. Mister and Missus edition."

Cas felt his expression soften with surprise. "Hunting." He hesitated. "You and me?"

Alex nodded readily. "Why not?"

"I… I hadn't considered it," Cas answered, intrigued at the prospect.

"So consider it," Alex said with a grin. "It makes sense! We're Bonnie and Clyde, Chewie and Han, Sherlock and Watson, Batman and Robin…"

Cas hesitated. He didn't understand some of those references, but he did know one quite well by now actually. "Which one of us is Batman?" He had a hunch how she'd answer.

Alex pulled a serious face and answered exactly how he knew she would. "Oh, I'm Batman. Always."

He smiled crookedly, then circled back to the reference he hadn't gotten. "But who are… 'Chewie and Han'?"

Alex's eyebrows rose and her mouth dropped open a little before she made a confused face. "Okay I really need to move Star Wars up the priority viewing list," she muttered to herself before refocusing. "Bottom line, Cas… I feel like I'm sitting out on an inning I'm supposed to bat for." Cas squinted, missing her meaning. "Sports terminology," she explained with a chuckle, then thought a minute more about what to say. "I just wanna get back out there and do my thing." Her smile took on a more sentimental quality. "With my best friend at my side."

Cas didn't miss her meaning that time. A slow smile was spreading on his face. "You're referring to me."

He got a soft smile for that one. She scooted closer to him so that they was no space between their bodies. Her arms looped around his middle. "Yup."

They kissed again soft and brief, then Alex nestled her head into the space of his neck and shoulder. Cas closed his eyes briefly, overcome and content and terrified all at once. "You're my best friend too," he whispered, then held her tighter to himself.

In the past he had tried to make things right on his own. But now, they were going to find a way to change the future together. He could believe in that. He had to.