Chapter 4.

Alone with Jules, Cas tried to forget his concerns about Dean. Her kisses were, as always, exhilarating and he tried to let them block out all other thoughts. She removed his tie and undid his shirt, slipping her hand inside it to stroke his chest. He knew he had failed to master his thoughts when she said, "You're still worried about him, aren't you?"

"Sorry." he said.

"This is what I get for falling in love with a Winchester." she said, "So, what do you want? Distraction or discussion?"

He was fairly sure that any other woman would have been hurt, annoyed and resentful. Jules never got jealous of his friendship with Dean or Sam. She never said unkind things about them or issued any kind of ultimatum.

"We knew Dean was unlikely to return unchanged." he said, "And there's nothing I can do about it tonight."

"But you need to talk about it anyway, don't you?" she said.

"I went through it with Lucifer and so did Sam and we both still have the mental scars."

"I'm familiar with them." she said.

"For Dean, it's worse. I was sharing my vessel. I could keep a little separate from Lucifer. Sam had trapped Lucifer in the cage and at least he could feel good about that. Dean never wanted to be anyone's vessel. From the first time he knew he was Michael's perfect vessel, he hated the idea and his feelings about it grew stronger over time. Saying yes to that ... Giving consent to Michael to take his body went against everything he was. It was, to him, an abject surrender, a humiliation and I have seen him refuse it when he and Sam were both being tortured and both close to death. Heaven never broke him. He resisted with everything he had."

"So what was different, this time?"

"The stakes. Jack, Sam, the world, all depending on him and the only way he could see to save all three was to do the one thing he would do anything to avoid. If I'd just zapped him unconscious ... "

"If you're going into a blame loop, I may have to sleep fully clothed tonight." she said.

He hastily reordered his thoughts. "No, I'm not." he said, "But the deal he made with Michael, it should have been binding. Consent matters to angels and archangels and the moment Michael broke his word, he should have been flung out of that body like ... " His powers of simile failed him. "He should have been unable to hold the vessel. I don't know how, but Michael overcame the need for consent. Michael broke every rule we have. The damage he did to Dean is incalculable."

"Dean is walking and talking. I've seen angelic vessels come out of it far worse." said Jules.

"Me too, but that's because Dean is stronger than most angels. His mental strength is incredible. Only Sam is stronger. Maybe they are equal. All I know is, he barely looks me in the eye. He doesn't want the mind link back. He doesn't want me around."

"That's not how it seemed to me. Even now, when he has a good excuse to be a little selfish, he still cares about you."

"Yes, he does. He even told me, he doesn't want to feel the way he does, but I'm an angel and it takes everything he has to be in the same room. I suggested I should go to the farm, but he wants to fight this."

"That's good, isn't it?" she said.

"It's a miracle. After everything my kind did to him, he still wants my friendship."

"Try to remember, Cas, you did nothing to him."

"Oh, I did plenty, just not this recent stuff." he said, "I tried to kill him."

"By choice? By your own free will?"

"I had no will at the time."

"Why isn't he dead?" she said.

"I broke the control they had over me."

"And you don't think that means a thing, do you?" she said, "One day, we are fixing those self-esteem issues of yours."

"Angels don't really have self-esteem issues ... or self-esteem."

"You have no idea of the level to which I'm getting that." she said, "For now, the important thing to remember is that his feelings around angels are not aimed at you, caused by you or stoked by you."

"But they do, currently, include me. I see the disgust in his eyes, the distrust."

"We've all been screwed up by angels and archangels. Until I met you and Jack, I thought all celestials were monsters. I get why Dean's angry. I get why he's afraid and disgusted and why having an angel near him triggers all kinds of feelings he can't help."

"So do I." said Cas, "I understand it all. He has every right to feel as he does. He has every reason never to trust me again. After all, I could have prevented the whole thing."

She waved one finger in front of him. "One more," she said, "And I sleep in combat fatigues."

"Withholding your nakedness from me is manipulative and ... "

"And effective." she said, "Repeat after me, 'Not everything is my fault.'"

"But some things are." he said, hastily adding, "That's not a third one, that's a continuation of the second."

She smiled. "I don't ask miracles, Cas. I just want you to try not to gather all this guilt. If you won't try for your own sake, do it for Dean, because he feels like crap right now. He knows what this is doing to you and he's trying to fight it, as you said, so don't get wrapped up in guilt for which he will only blame himself."

She was right and he knew it. There was little he could do to ameliorate the situation, but there were many ways in which he could make it a lot worse and the best of those was to make it all about himself and ladle more unneeded shame and remorse onto Dean's already brimming plate.

"What can I do about all this?" he said.

"Tonight? Nothing. Tomorrow, you can talk to him, listen to him and let him find a way through this. We all know angel stuff is never easy. It'll take time. Giving him that time and bearing, for now, the reactions he can't help, is the best thing you can do." She kissed him tenderly.

He smiled. "Your wisdom is almost my favourite thing about you and given how much I love everything else about you, that's saying something."

"Are you ready for the distraction now?" she said.

"Yes, but then, you must sleep."

"I may need your help for that." she said, "I don't want to dream tonight."

He understood that. Her last few nights had been disturbed by flashbacks and nightmares and he didn't blame her at all for wanting to be free of all that for a night. "No problem." he said.

"And in return, the dress code remains Garden of Eden." she said. She clearly saw his unease, because she said, "You just have to lose the coat."