Chapter 7.
Dean was surprised to find Cas leaning over the Lincoln's engine. He had rarely lifted the hood before. "Problem?" he said.
Cas stepped away from the car as if he had been caught about to steal it. "No." he said, "I was ... I like to check things are working."
"Yeah, that's good." said Dean, then, very cautiously, picking every word with care he said, "I heard you had an accident. Must have been a shock. Do you want me to take a look?"
"Thanks. I'd welcome a more expert eye. Bobby put her back together nicely, but ... "
"Her? I don't think I ever heard you call her that before."
"I don't know." said Cas, "Things have been different."
Dean put his hand on Cas's shoulder, ignoring a feeling in his mind like the slithering of snakes. "I know. I know things have been hard." he said. He felt nauseated. He had to let go.
Cas looked at him, noticing too much. "Dean?" he said.
"I can't help it." said Dean, "It's not real. It's a reaction to Michael." But they both knew it was real, however much of a reaction it might be.
"Maybe we should just avoid each other until you've had some time to recover." said Cas.
"If that's ... " Dean stopped himself. "You're not Michael. You're nothing like him."
"This is not a matter of rational comparison." said Cas, "This is simple disgust, a physical, emotional reaction, not a logical one."
"Does that mean it doesn't hurt you?" said Dean.
"It means it shouldn't. It means I won't let it. We're still friends, yes?"
"Of course we are." said Dean.
"That's what matters, not at what distance I need to stand for you to feel safe."
"I trust you." said Dean.
Cas reached out his hand in a blessing gesture and Dean stepped back.
"That was a low trick." said Dean.
"I wanted to cut through all that stupid, pointless denial." said Cas, "There is a problem and you do not trust me."
"In my head, I do. In my heart, I do. My gut is outvoted."
"And which do you believe?" said Cas.
Dean took a look at the engine. He checked everything, slowly and methodically, before nodding and closing the hood. "This thing really had a crash?"
"Hit a tree." said Cas, "Neither car nor tree came out of it well."
"How about the driver?" said Dean.
"Didn't even feel it." said Cas, "Angels are fairly resilient."
"Do you wanna talk about why it happened?"
"No, never." said Cas.
"Right. Okay. Just make sure it never happens again."
"I never intended for it to happen this time." said Cas.
"No, it was an accident." said Dean. Cas said nothing. "It was an accident, right?"
"Yes. It was an accident."
Something in the angel's eyes told him this was not the time to pursue the discussion. "So, what are your plans today?"
"Jules is out ghoul-hunting. Until she comes home, I have no plans."
"And when she comes home, big plans?" said Dean hopefully.
"Not really."
"Not really." Dean repeated, disappointed. "Dude, you need to make a life for yourself."
"My life is great as it is."
"Well, your car's operational and I have to go to Ionia, so ... "
"So?"
Dean looked from one car to the other. Sarah's farm was a peaceful place where he could be free of everyone else's fears for him. The last thing he needed was to take the biggest cause of stress with him, but if he didn't, it would be hard to claim that he wasn't running away.
"I'll only be gone a few hours." he said.
"See you when you get back." said Cas.
Dean went over to the Impala. "I mean, if you feel like coming along for the ride ... "
"No." said Cas, "You really don't want that."
Cas understood. It was both miraculous and unwelcome. Cas knew he was trying to overcome the loathing he felt for the idea of being in close proximity to any angel. 'Any angel' should never have included Castiel.
"I'm sorry." said Dean.
"I know you are. Go to Sarah. You need the peace of her farm. There's no peace for you with me around."
"Come anyway." said Dean.
"What?" said Cas.
"Please. We can't fix this in different towns."
"Can we fix this at all?"
"Sarah thinks so."
"Separate cars, then?" Cas suggested.
"Just get in the frickin' Impala." said Dean.
When they were both in the car, he sent a text to Sam. "Taking Cas to Ionia. Back soon."
The single word reply came quickly and was, to Dean, an unambiguous warning that he had bridges to fix on his return. It said, "Fine."
"That's what the Pact says." said Dean.
"What is?" said Cas.
"That I will hurt my brother every way he can be hurt." said Dean.
"Maybe we should stay and put right whatever's wrong." said Cas.
"It's not a quick fix."
"What is, these days? What ever was?"
"One broken friendship at a time, okay?" said Dean, starting the engine.
"Ours isn't broken."
"My head is." said Dean.
When they were out on the open road, Cas said, "I want to thank you."
"It's a short drive to Sarah's place. It's not a week in Vegas."
"Not for this," said Cas, "Although this is a big deal too. I wanted to thank you for what you did in saying yes to Michael."
"You hated me doing that." said Dean.
"True, but if you hadn't done it, there was no other way to kill Lucifer and to save Sam and Jack. That's why I need to thank you, because I seemed ... I was ... I was angry and you took that as criticism, but it was pure fear."
"Yeah, I know. I get it." said Dean, not wanting to talk about any of it, especially when he needed a clear head for driving.
"I'll always hate the price you paid, but you paid it and because of that, they're alive."
"And Michael is loose in the world and about to burn it down." said Dean.
"I know you're trying to forget the whole thing ... "
"Yeah, I am, so let's not talk about that. Tell me about Jack. How's he doing without his grace?"
"Well, he can stand near you without sparking your new ... "
"Cas, I'm sorry."
"You don't need to be sorry. I'm sorry I mentioned it. Just looking for some way around it."
"Like depleting your grace? I thought we ruled that out when we had issues with the link."
"Not my preferred option, but whatever I need to do ... "
"My problem, not yours. I'll fix it."
"On your own?" said Cas.
"It's how I do my best work."
"No, Dean, it really isn't."