Chapter 9.

Dean found conversation on the way to Ionia somewhat stilted. Cas was too obviously trying not to make him uncomfortable and he was aware that he wasn't being any less obvious in trying to seem normal. They talked about the weather and the bunker and the bees and the evidence for ghouls in Fort Riley, but all the time, Dean's angel-twisted instincts were yelling at him that there was an enemy in the car, a monster, capable of overpowering him without effort.

He tried to concentrate on the music, playing it louder, mouthing the words. It still felt as if he had a snake on the passenger seat. Maybe he needed to stop trying to ignore the problem and meet it head on. He turned down the music and said. "So, this mind link thing you have with Sam, do you spend a lot of time at Bobby's?"

"No." said Cas, "Actually, we don't use Bobby's. It felt wrong to both of us to be there without you."

"Oh. Right. So what's it like?"

"Dean, do you really want to discuss this now?"

"Do you really wanna ask that question?" said Dean, "I'm trying, man."

"It's a castle."

"A castle? You and Sam have a frickin' castle?"

"Yes. It's a crusader castle, Krak Des Chevaliers."

"You and Sam have a castle and you and I have a house with peeling wallpaper?"

"Are you jealous?" said Cas, confused.

"No, I'm not jealous, just ... I mean, a frickin' castle. Do you have servants?"

"No, of course we don't have servants."

"I mean, you had that palace before."

"Not the same thing." said Cas.

"Am I the reason we had Bobby's place?"

"What do you mean?"

"My limited mind. I think too small?"

"The Krak is less detailed than Bobby's. The intricacies of Bobby's house are based on years of familiarity." said Cas, "Every stain on his desk is there."

They went on in silence for a while, then Dean said, "I do miss it."

"If you ever want it back, Sam and I can help you reopen the link."

Dean repressed a shudder at the thought. "For now, at least, I don't." he said.

"Yes, I got that." said Cas, "Every muscle in your leg just tensed."

"You see too much."

"Always. One of the worst things about being an angel. Hard to be deceived, harder to deceive myself."

Dean searched for a change of subject and decided on, "So, why haven't you formed a mental link with Jules?"

"Like you, she has a problem with angels." said Cas, "When I ... Well, she needed to get through to me and she prayed. Since then, she only really sleeps if I zap her."

"But she does let you zap her. That's good."

"My point is that all angel stuff brings back things she doesn't want to remember." said Cas and there was pain in his voice.

"I'm sorry." said Dean.

"Don't be. You weren't the idiot who forced her to pray."

They didn't speak much after that. When they arrived at the farmhouse, Sarah came out to meet them. "Dean!" she said, hugging him as soon as he was out of the car. "I've missed you, boy!" she said, "I may never let go again. I didn't expect to see you today."

"I needed to get out of that place. Everyone's looking at me like I'm about to break."

"And are you?" she said, stepping back to look at him.

"Probably." he said.

Cas was getting out of the car.

"Bringing Castiel ... " she began.

"I thought I could take a look at your electrical problem." said Dean quickly.

"What problem?" said Cas.

"An intermittent ... "

"Dean thinks he might be able to make our wiring and bulbs more reliable." she said, "It's nothing to worry about."

"Bobby could do that." said Cas, looking suspicious.

"Why should Bobby have to, when you have me?" said Dean. He wished he knew how to distract an angel, but nothing came to mind.

"I'll show you the situation in the barn." said Sarah, "Then you can look over the house. Castiel, dear, would you make us some coffee?"

"Of course." he said, heading immediately into the house.

Sarah smiled at Dean and started walking to the barn. He followed. Not a word passed between them until they were inside the barn, far enough from Cas that he would be unlikely to overhear.

"You look so burdened." she said.

All the usual reassurances lined up in his throat, but she was a difficult woman to lie to. "Bringing my burdens here isn't really fair to you." he said.

"Seeing you, getting to hug you again, that's worth anything." she said, "And I see you're defeating your demons already, enough to bring Castiel with you."

"I'm not sure it's a good idea."

"Why did you do it?"

"Because it was hard. Because leaving him behind felt like I was giving in to it. I hated every second of driving over here. He keeps giving me weird looks, suspicious, scheming. I don't blame him. I must seem very different."

"I thought he looked worried." she said, "You've admitted to a kind of paranoia about angels."

Dean thought about it. She had a point. "You said you think I can come back from this." he said.

"I don't remember saying I think that. I know you can."

"Well, I think I need your help and his too. Though God knows, I don't deserve either."

"If God doesn't know better than that, God may need a little chat with me." she said.

"That would be interesting. Look, I'll understand if you would prefer me to leave him out of it."

"God?"

"Castiel."

"Oh. And how would that work, exactly?" she said.

"What I mean is ... "

"You don't want him hurt."

"Yes. None of this is his fault."

"Or yours." she said.

"My problem." he said.

"And his and mine and Sam's." She straightened his shirt collar. "I think we all need that cup of coffee and we need to talk honestly."

"The honest truth is, just the thought of going into your kitchen while he's there makes me feel queasy."

"Can you do it?"

"I don't want to." he said.

"Is this from you, or from Michael?"

"I don't know." he admitted.

"Is going over there more or less disturbing to you than the idea of a permanent rift between you and Castiel?"

"Ideas are one thing. This is in my gut. This is stopping my legs from taking a step. I used to think angels needed consent. Now I know better."

"Has Castiel ever possessed you?" she said.

"No."

"Then your beef is with Michael."

"Yes, I know that. I also know that, if he tries to touch me, I'll fight."

"Then we'll make sure he keeps his distance. If I promise that, will you come over there with me?"

He almost pointed out that Cas could overpower them both, then realised how insane that sounded. Until recently, he had trusted Cas without thinking. He nodded.

She took his hand and looked up at him, always so much shorter than she seemed in his head, a small woman with a big presence. "I'm so proud of you, my boy." she said.

"Tell me that later, if you still can." he said.