Chapter 10.
Before they even made it to the kitchen, Dean heard Cas moving around in there and took a step back. "I can't." he whispered, "If he looks at me, he'll know how much I hate this."
"He already knows." said Cas, without coming out of the kitchen, "If you want me to disappear while you have your coffee, I can go and talk to the bees or the chickens, or I can go back to the bunker."
"You should know," said Sarah, "While you were away, Castiel and I discussed your return many times. He knew, without me needing to tell him, that you would come out of it with some unfortunate feelings about angels and we talked about how we would handle that. He is more prepared for this than you are."
"You're assuming my reluctance is more about his feelings than my fear." said Dean, "I'm not sure that's true."
"You can always overcome your fear, Dean." she said, "It's far harder for you to force yourself to take action that will hurt a friend."
"Oh, I've hurt plenty of friends." he said.
Cas appeared in the doorway. Dean backed away again. "I'm sorry." he said.
"So am I." said Cas, "I'm sorry my kind ever came here to pollute this world. I'm sorry Michael treated you as he did. I'm sorry I couldn't find another way to stop Lucifer. I'm sorry your wounds run so deep. If you want me to go, I will go."
"I want you to go." said Dean, "There's nothing I want more. But I'm asking you to stay. If I give in to this sickness in my head, we'll never be as we were. Each time, it'll get easier and more appealing to send you away. I owe you more than that."
"You never owed me a thing." said Cas.
Dean's whole body was resisting forward movement. Cas was watching him with a look of sympathy. He understood, but that very understanding felt like an intrusion, a refusal to accept his boundaries. His rational side shouted at him that he was wrong, but his instincts and emotions told him his enemy stood before him, duplicitous, cruel and dangerous and his conscience whispered to him that he should leave Cas out of it and straighten his head out before attempting to be near him again. Sarah stood behind him. He knew both of them would accept whatever he decided to do.
It was Castiel, not Michael in front of him. However much they understood his feelings, he could find nothing to justify them. He was certain in his loathing, but also knew he was completely wrong. He was hurting his friend, torturing his brother. He was betraying Cas because of Michael, punishing Cas for all that Michael had done.
Somehow, he made his foot take a step towards Cas. Another step was easier, though revulsion coursed through him.
Cas backed away into the kitchen and went to stand on the other side of the table.
"It's okay." said Dean, "Let's have that coffee." He sat down. Even with Sarah handing him the cup, his hand shook a little.
Sarah turned to Cas and said, "How do you feel, Castiel?"
"Better than he does." said Cas.
"If that's the best you can say," said Dean, "Then this is very unfair to you."
"Fairness doesn't apply to us, does it?" said Cas, "May I speak honestly?"
"The way I'm treating you? You can punch me in the face, if you like."
"Stop that." said Cas, "This is not your choice."
"You think that makes it better?"
"It makes it not your fault." said Cas.
"What did you want to say, Castiel?" said Sarah.
Cas looked at Dean. "Do you need me to move further away before I speak?"
Dean shook his head. "Where you are is fine." He had to get used to having Cas in close proximity. Cas made eye contact and Dean forced himself not to look away.
"You think this is making me unhappy. It's not. Nothing can make me unhappy right now. You were gone. You came back. If you had come back a gibbering wreck who hated me, still I would have been happy. I know you. You can overcome anything. We can fix anything. As Jules pointed out while you were missing, even if you'd come back dead, we'd have found a way to bring you to life."
"Jules is certainly a glass half full person."
"Getting you back was all that mattered," said Cas, "And now, you're here. So I'll take the win. I'll take you as you are, however damaged. Snap and snarl as much as you like. Doubt me, hate me and all my kind. You're alive and you're you ... "
"Barely." said Dean.
"You enough to make it worthwhile to get the rest of you back. And we will get you back, Dean."
"Of course we will." said Sarah, "You two have been friends for a long time. I'm sure you have a lot of stories to tell."
"We do." said Dean, smiling, "I asked him to cover me once and he threw his coat over my head."
"Your demand was ambiguous." said Cas, "And you can't deny, I was fast."
Dean tried not to laugh. "You were. You were fast and if being suddenly unable to see the enemy had been what I was going for, we would have achieved that so quickly."
"What happened?" said Sarah.
"Fortunately for us, the werewolf got distracted by the sight of me stumbling around with a coat over my head ... "
"He was laughing." said Cas.
"He was laughing," Dean confirmed, "Right up to the moment Sam plugged him in the heart. So the mysterious series of backpacker murders came to an end and the killer, I guess, died happy."
"I was pretty dumb in those days." said Cas.
"Not dumb, just not used to humans and their weird ways of expressing things." said Dean.
"He always defends me like that." said Cas to Sarah.
"Someone has to and you never do." said Dean.
"I agree with Dean." said Sarah.
"It's why I love you so much." Dean told her. There was another reason too. By making them talk about their shared past, she had made it possible for him to be around Cas without the feeling of loathing, because whatever he had always thought of angels. Castiel was always an exception. He looked at Cas and said, "Why I love you is more of a mystery. And why you give a flying fig about me is a bigger one."
"Maybe because when I screw up, you know I didn't mean to." said Cas, "Other commanders have been less forgiving to me."
"I am not your commander." said Dean.
"No, sir!" said Cas.
"I'm just not. We're equals, compadres, brothers in arms." His mind didn't recoil from the thought. "I screwed up, letting Michael in. Everything that came after, including this, is my fault. Some commander."
"No commander alive hasn't made bad decisions." said Sarah, "The test is how you deal with the consequences."
"It wasn't a bad decision." said Cas, "It saved Jack. It saved Sam."
"Very true." said Sarah.
"Sit at the table, Cas." said Dean.
"Are you sure?"
"Do I need to command it?"
Cas smiled. "See? Deny it all you want, you pull rank when you need to." He sat at the table with his coffee.
Dean felt his shoulders stiffen. The discomfort and unease were still there. He pushed them back and said, "Maybe I did save Jack, but there wouldn't be a Jack if you hadn't saved him, from us and from everyone else. He chose you as his dad for a reason."
"He sees all three of us as his dads." said Cas, but he seemed pleased.
"The kid loves you, Cas and he's right to."
"Yes, he is." said Sarah.
"You know what else he was right about?" said Cas, "When Michael put the announcement of your death on angel radio, he knew Michael was lying."
"He did?" said Dean, "How?"
"Instinct." said Sarah, "His human side is useful."
"Clearly. I still wish his grace would come back." said Dean.
"I'm sure it will." said Sarah.
"It will." said Cas, "It's just a little difficult to predict when." He watched Dean closely for a while, making him feel like a lab rat, then said, "How do you feel?"
"I'm not screaming inside." said Dean, "Touch my arm."
Cas reached out to do so and Dean said, "No. Stop! Okay, it's getting better, but it's still there."
"It'll take time." said Sarah.
"We have time." said Cas, "Whatever you need, for as long as it takes. I'm just glad you came back to us."
"Don't take any of it personally." said Dean, "I'm messed up. There is nothing wrong with you."
"There are a million things wrong with me." said Cas.
"Start listing them and I'm knocking you to the ground." said Dean.
"Please! You can't even touch me!" said Cas with a smile.
"That won't last."
"I hope not." said Cas.
"None of this will last, I promise." said Dean.
Cas looked at Sarah and said, "He keeps his promises."
"Except one." said Dean.
"You saved my son. You saved Sam. You saved the world from Lucifer."
"And unleashed Michael." said Dean, "The only person worse than Lucifer."
"Nobody blames you for that." said Cas, "Nobody except you and he's a dick."
"Yes, he is." said Dean.
"But also, he's a hero, who keeps on walking back into the fire." said Cas.
"I don't see him that way." said Dean.
"One day, one of us is going to make you see him that way." said Sarah.
"I don't deserve either of you." he said.
"Well, it's too late to get rid of us now." said Cas and that time, the eye contact didn't make him want to flee. Even better, Cas noticed the change and gave him a nod of thanks and approval.