Chapter 12.
Washing the coffee cups, Sarah said, "How do you two feel now?"
"Unfair question." said Dean. He looked at Cas. "How I feel ... It's still not how I want to feel."
"I'm just happy that we're in the same room." said Cas, "Still happy just to be on the same planet. For a time, I wondered if we'd lost you forever."
"I think I should let you talk alone for a while." she said, "But if you need me here as a buffer or as support, I'll stay."
"We'll soon be in the car together again." said Dean, "I think we should be okay."
"Castiel?" she said.
"As I tell you every day, I'm fine." said Cas.
"Every day?" said Dean.
"Castiel had a difficult time when you were missing."
"Yeah, I heard."
"So I worry and I ask too often and he tells me he's fine, because you're alive."
"And that's really all it takes?" he said to Cas.
"It always has been."
Sarah headed for the back door. "I'll go and check on the bees. If you need me, I'm just outside."
When she'd gone, Dean said, "Just how accidental was your accident?"
Cas nodded. "You think I was planning to die?"
"You drive like a Sunday school teacher. You don't have accidents."
Cas stood and walked to the window. Dean wondered whether he wanted to be nearer Sarah or further from him. Then he saw his eyes and knew he had moved away to spare Dean, already unhappy in his presence, from close proximity to his pain. "It wasn't a suicide attempt." said Cas, "The impact never had a chance of killing me."
"I know that and you know that, but did you think that way at the time?"
"I wasn't thinking much at all, at the time." said Cas.
"That's what I thought." said Dean.
"I heard you were dead and I ... I don't know. I stopped existing."
"You stopped existing?"
"Not literally. At least, I don't think so."
"Then what?" said Dean.
"I wasn't me. I wasn't there. The angel, Castiel, was present in the vessel, which is how the vessel survived, but I, Cas, stopped being. You were what held me to this world and if you were gone, so was everything that was me about me."
"You're making no sense." said Dean, hearing the condemnation in his voice too late to temper it. Before Cas could respond, he said, "Michael crap! Pay no attention." He consciously calmed his voice and said, "What I mean is, I don't understand."
"I stopped thinking of anything but your death. I didn't care about the car ... didn't know I was in a car. I didn't even know I was in a vessel. I didn't feel the impact, even as mere force. I wasn't me. I wasn't even him. I was just some dead-eyed angel, not caring about anything in the world."
"That doesn't sound good. Maybe that sounds worse than suicide."
"It was the first time in a long time that self-destruction didn't seem like a relevant option. I didn't want to die. I didn't want anything. Nothing felt real." He looked out of the window and then back at Dean, "I didn't realise until then how much of who I am is anchored in who I am to you."
"You can't depend on me, Cas. Even if I can get back to normal, one day, I will die."
"Yes, I know." said Cas, "But delay it as long as possible, because I don't like what's left of me when you're gone."
"Sarah's right. We've got a lot of stories to tell and a lot of memories to talk about and that's what you need to focus on, because I will die and I don't want to take you down with me. Don't give up, when I'm gone. Remember me, avenge me, then live for me. Remember the good times. Remember we were friends."
"Were friends?"
"It'll be past tense then, because I'm dead. I don't mean that now, we're not friends."
"Even though, now, I disgust you?"
"Sam disgusts me all the time. We're still brothers." said Dean, feeling his smile fade as the joke fell flat. He felt a burst of anger, but that was Michael's legacy too and he crushed it before it could choose his words. "The truth is, Cas, only you and Jack are forever. The rest of us are fairground attractions and soon, the carnival will end."
"Not soon." said Cas, "I need more time."
"And we'll give you as much time as we can, but when all that's left is a heap of memories, those memories have to be enough. Jack needs you and he needs you to be you, not some stinkin', useless, heartless angel." He stopped talking. The hostility was not warranted and it was not helpful. "Sorry." he said.
"Sorry?" said Cas.
Dean stood up and took a step closer to him. His flesh crawled, but he ignored it. "Yes, I'm sorry. I can't control it and you don't deserve it."
Cas shook his head. "And this is a hunter who can notice a window left open three floors up. Look more closely, Dean. You are controlling it! You want to put miles between us. You can hardly bear to look at me, but you're putting all that aside so we can be in the same room and talk."
"None of this should happen at all." said Dean, "I'm totally screwed in the head and I hurt Sam earlier and now I'm hurting you and I hate every single second of this."
"Hurting me or being around me?" said Cas.
"Both." said Dean, "Some friend I turned out to be."
"Yes, you stink." said Cas, a gleam in his eye.
"No need to agree, dumbass." said Dean, trying not to smile.
"You hate it when I argue." said Cas, "When we get back, you and Sam should talk."
"I don't think Sam'll be in the mood for that." said Dean.
"What, and you're in the mood for this?"