Chapter 13.
When a text arrived from Jules. Cas showed Dean, mercifully ignoring the way he flinched at the movement. "Almost home. Just leaving Dispatch. Love you." it said.
"I guess I should get you home." said Dean, "Get Sarah in here."
Cas called Sarah in and she came into the kitchen and looked from him to Dean and back.
"Everything's fine." said Dean, "We've talked. We've managed to stand close together without anything bad happening. But now, Romeo here needs to get home, because someone much prettier than me will be waiting for him."
Cas looked at him as if trying to decode an insult from that. Sarah just smiled and that reaction reassured Cas. She was a lot better at subtext than he was, though, to Dean's mind, she could hardly be worse. Only Jack could.
Sarah fetched a pie and gave it to Dean. "I made this for you, so you can celebrate your return properly."
For a moment, he was speechless. He knew how much work went into one of her pies and after all the trouble he had caused, he had not expected anyone to do something like that for him.
She saw him struggling for words and said, "Some of my best apples went into that. You know how I love to bake and you boys appreciate my food. You share that with Sam."
"I will." he promised, "Thanks. We should get going. Jules will be back before us."
Cas hugged Sarah. "Thanks, for everything." he said.
"You look after yourself." she said, "Dean needs your patience and your strength, but you can only be strong for him if you lean on us."
He nodded.
"I'll make sure he's okay." said Dean.
When they got to the car, Dean stowed the pie with care and Cas headed for the back seat.
"Hey!" said Dean, "You're in the front."
"I thought you might prefer ... "
"Well, maybe I would, but that's not gonna help us, is it? Besides, you never get to ride shotgun when Sam's around."
They'd been on the road for a few minutes when Cas said, "What will you do about Sam?"
"It's a big pie." said Dean, "And for his size, he doesn't eat much."
"You mean compared to you? Nobody eats as much as you."
"I need the energy." said Dean, hardly believing his luck that Cas had been so easily distracted.
"Talking to me, today, was hard." said Cas, "But you did it."
"Whatever my insane head says, your friendship is important to me."
"I know it is. In fact, there's only one relationship you value more."
With a sinking feeling, Dean realised Cas had not been distracted at all. The tactical warrior had merely circled around it and made a sneak attack.
"Sam needs a break from my stuff." said Dean.
"He had a break. We all did. We hated it." said Cas.
"I didn't leave any of you by choice."
"No, you didn't," said Cas, "And we all know that. Nobody blames you for what happened with Michael."
"I promised never to ... "
"Irrelevant." said Cas, "We've been treading on each other's broken promises for years. Keeping your promise would have lost us everything."
"So, what? I get a free pass?" said Dean, irritated that the angel was not angry or resentful and hating himself for being so irrationally unreasonable.
"Yes, obviously." said Cas, "It wasn't a choice. You were not to blame. This, of course, pushing Sam away, that's a choice."
"I'm not pushing him away. He wants to help. He wants to fix this ... to fix me and he can't."
"Sarah thinks you can be fixed." said Cas.
"Sarah thinks I can fix myself." said Dean, "Different thing."
"So, she advised you not to talk to Sam?" said Cas. It sounded almost like an innocent question, but Dean knew it was not.
"Screw you."
"Michael stuff, or Dean stuff?"
Dean stared at the road ahead. The truth was, he didn't know.
There was a long, uncomfortable silence. They passed fields and farms and Dean wondered why he had ever thought an angel could be a friend. Cas didn't care about him or Sam. He was just poking at old wounds to see if they still hurt. They did.
"Sam needs you, Dean." said Cas.
"Not like this." said Dean, "I'm no use to anyone like this."
"Fine, then he needs to help you."
"I'm not helpable."
"Is that even a word?"
"Michael hated that you and I were friends."
"Past tense again?"
"Michael is in the past." said Dean, "He was angry about that. It disgusted him."
"Even our world's Michael felt that way to some extent." said Cas, "He and Gabriel argued about it. He said getting too close to humans was a corrupting influence."
"Hard to argue otherwise, about Gabriel."
"And about me?" said Cas, "I can't claim not to have been changed by humans."
That hurt more than his comments about Sam. He sounded as if he regretted the fact. Worse, it was probably justified regret. What had their friendship ever done for Cas?
"On behalf of humanity, I'm sorry." said Dean, speaking, in truth, only for himself, accepting, in his own mind, that he alone was to blame.
"I didn't mean it like that." said Cas, "I was only asking if I seem corrupted to you."
"You're asking the wrong person. I can't see past my own corruption."
"Dean ... "
"Shut up, okay? Just stop talking."
"You're not corrupt."
"So Michael isn't corrupting?"
"Michael is gone." said Cas.
"He didn't leave me unchanged. The change was not for the better."
"No." said Cas.
"And you want me to dump all that on Sam, after everything he went through with Lucifer. Why do you hate Sam that much?"
"You know I don't hate Sam."
"Well, you have a funny way of showing it." said Dean, hearing the insanity of every word as he lashed out at his best friend for caring about him and Sam.
The silence regained its ground. He knew that Cas had not missed the animosity in his words and even though he knew what lay behind it, he would feel every cruel little stab. He had never acquired the armour that humans who had to deal with Dean tended to develop.
"Cas," he said, later than he should have.
"Yes?" said Cas.
"Can we forget everything I've said since we got into the car?"
"Are you sure you want to?"
"None of it was memorable for any good reason." he said, "Do I get any points for knowing I'm being a douche?"
"Dean, after what you suffered ... "
"No. No excuses."
"As far as I'm concerned, we're still friends." said Cas, "And if, for a time, you need to hurl some insults my way, or ... "
"Or use you as a damn punchbag, because it's easier than facing the wreck I am inside?"
"Whatever you need."
"You think Jules would endorse that?"
"If she wouldn't, I wouldn't love her like I do."
"Being my friend has got to be the dumbest thing you've ever done."
"Possibly." said Cas.
"And you popped Purgatory."
"That, I regret, but being your friend? No."
"You stupid, dumb, idiot angel."
"Sounds like me." said Cas, "But you know what? Ditching Sam isn't your cleverest move either."
"I'm not ditching Sam."
"You have a funny way of showing it."