Chapter Thirty Four

A/N: Sorry it's a day late! I couldn't get this chapter quite right, and couldn't fit in some of what I wanted or what I promised despite re-reading and changing a million and two times. I hope you enjoy the chapter anyway. And I want to say thank you for the lovely reviews and PMs they really do mean a lot to me :')

Any mistakes in here are completely my own.

I want to say a huge thank you to Arabella Whitlock and to TrishCullenWinchester for not only being avid readers and reviewers but also for being my friends thank you ladies.

Okay, so I don't own anything blah blah blah. Enjoy

Memories

I'd had three mugs of coffee, three painkillers and a huge stack of waffles before Ellen and I started talking. Or to be more precise I had started talking and Ellen sat listening. She was a good listener. I envied her daughter, Jo. Who for some reason that Ellen hadn't spoken to me about wasn't speaking to her at the moment. The girl was a fool, she had a mother who cared, who could listen and try to understand without judging. Jo would regret it, I wish I could tell her that, you only got one mother, and you could never replace her and the hole in your heart she left would only bleed every day. Still everyone has their own mistakes to make I guess.

When I'd finished speaking and started on my fourth cup of coffee Ellen reached over the small table where we sat and rested her hand over mine before gently squeezing and taking it back so she could hold her coffee with both of her hands. Had to give it to this diner, they made excellent coffee. Most places made a tar like substance and passed it off as coffee, so this was a nice treat.

"I can understand why you took off, hell I'd have probably done the same thing. But drinking yourself stupid? That one probably wasn't the smartest idea that you've ever had." Ellen said.

"Don't worry my heads pounding away, telling me the same thing." I said, the painkiller still hadn't kicked in quite yet, despite taking one more than was medically advisable.

Ellen sighed before speaking again. "Here's the way I see it, Dean got trapped buy a demon so you would see it, just to make trouble for you before she killed you both. You're punishing him for that by taking off on him." Ellen raised her hand to silence me as I started to argue. "That's what you've done whether you wanna admit it or not honey. Now seeing Dean's pat shoved in your face has brought up some issues for you. I get that, I do. But you're not gonna get passed them by sitting on your own going over them again and again."

I sighed and nodded accepting the truth in her words and feeling slightly ashamed of myself. I stared at the Formica table top where we sat instead of at the woman who was sorting through my issues faster in ten minutes then I'd managed to through a whole afternoon, night and morning on my own.

"Don't feel bad honey. Sometimes it takes someone else to see something you've been staring at for days and someone who'd got a boat load of experience too don't cause any harm either." She told me with a smile, her eyes twinkling slightly.

"Yeah you're right." I replied "Seems a lot easier now than it did yesterday."

"Of course it does Bella, you're sober for one." Ellen joked with me. "Now come on. Finish up that coffee and we'll go let everyone see with their own eyes that you're fine." She pulled out her purse and started pulling out bills, waving away my protests. "And try to hide your hands for god's sake. Who'd did you get in a fight with anyway?"

"Not sure. Luckily I've managed to block that part out of my memory of last night." I smiled back. "Ellen?"

"Yup."

"Is everyone back at the library?" I asked, trying to be casual, as we stood and headed out for Charlie's car.

"I think so, Bobby's been bitching that he's two down on research as it is. And he's like a bear with a sore head today, I don't think anyone's going to be arguing with him today. Why?" Ellen asked suspiciously.

"I was hoping to get a shower and get some clean clothes before I see anyone else, that's all."

"By anyone else do you Dean?" She asked me with a raised eyebrow and a knowing smile, starting the car up at the same time.

"Mostly." I admitted, I really didn't want my boyfriend to see me looking like shit after I'd walked out on him. That was definitely part of it, the other part was; "I don't exactly want Charlie smelling the smoke on me either. That's one lecture too many for me to handle today."

"If you don't say anything then I won't either honey. Now fasten your seatbelt. I'm not going to be holding this baby back now I haven't got your daddy back seat driving with me." Ellen said with her own smirk that made the twinkle appear in her eyes once again, before she pushed down the pedal and we flew out of the parking lot. Maybe it wasn't just a man thing; driving fast after all. Maybe it was more about the hunter side of you. Living dangerously no matter what you were doing. That I was starting to understand more with each passing day,

I just had to start applying that theory to my relationship now I guessed.

~0~

Ellen went to her and Charlie's room while I went to take a shower and get changed. As well as trying to make my hair look something like presentable somehow. I'd never been one for taking hours to get ready, never really cared about fashion. But I wanted to look good today. I wanted Dean to see me looking good.

I grabbed my bright pink bag which held my towels, wash bag and some decent clothes before heading to the bathroom.

It was bliss to have a nice shower with real water pressure behind it and a cubicle big enough so that my elbows didn't get bruised every time I turned around.

As I washed I started thinking back to how all of this started, how Dean and I began about six months ago now. Once I thought about it the memories that normally were nice things to remember every once in a while – and some not so nice – streamed through the barrier that normally held all those thoughts and feelings back. One that I'd fought to put up the first time Dean and I had run into trouble. The first time that he'd left me.

I remembered when he'd told me that I wasn't just a job to him, though he wished I was, I remembered him kissing me for the first time, soft, hesitant yet still insistent somehow. However that memory was tainted with grief that still managed to pull at my stomach. The loss of my mother and stepfather so brutally was there in that memory.

I thought of something else, of the first time we'd played poker and how, despite the odds I'd managed to win against him. Earning me one of his pouts that was adorable and sexy at the same time.

The smell of the first meal we'd had together alone, though it was far from a date, just us grabbing some lunch before we carried on interviewing witnesses, rushed at a diner. It still was special for me. When he'd reached over the table and grabbed my hand running his thumb over the back of my hand sending waves of delight up my arm. It was the first time he'd actually called me his girlfriend too. The waitress had been flirting with him while taking his order, blatantly ignoring me. So he'd reached across the table and said; "I don't know you'll have to ask my girlfriend what she thinks we should have for dessert after you've taken her order that is." I'd been so bolstered by that little sentence that I'd felt like I was walking on clouds for days on end.

Then there was the memory of the first time that we'd had some down time when we'd actually established that there was an us. The memory had me chuckling to myself under the hot stream of the shower that was starting to become so hot it made my skin tinkle, it was the perfect temperature for me, I remembered back to how I'd managed to get Dean to come shopping with me.

"I don't want to take all day with this sweetheart. There's a new movie out that I wanna see with Sammy and you." He pouted as I literally dragged him by the hand into the first woman's clothing store I'd seen in the mall.

"Relax." I said looking through a rack of jeans till I came to some my size. I picked up the first pair that I liked and draped the garment over my arm. "There, a couple of new t-shirts and we're done. Ruby wrecked my favourite when she tried to tear out my heart. Bitch." So I needed something casual and something a bit dressy as that top had been a top I'd wear out but not round the room casually. Hunting was hard on your clothes, your jeans went in the knees, tops got snagged on branches, or stones when you dropped to the floor. In all honesty it was a miracle I didn't need more clothing.

"Seriously?" Dean asked looking sceptical and a little worried. "You're not even going to look at the shoes, or the purses?"

"Nope." I replied while looking around the store for the tops. I saw some strappy tops, they'd do and could double as pyjama tops when we'd hadn't hit a laundrette in a while.

"What about some stuff to go out at night in? When we can have a drink or two?" Dean suggested while eyeing up a dress that I'd wear jeans under, unless I wanted everyone to know what colour panties I was wearing anyway.

"Do you want this trip to take any longer?" I asked with raised eyebrows while towing him away from the dress and to the tops which I'd spotted. I started picking out two tops in black and two in white.

"No I think you should just take a look at some dresses is all. Maybe a skirt or two so I can see your long legs more often." Dean flirted with me, looking me up and down and electing that familiar heat in my cheeks which told me I was blushing. "Maybe something for tonight?" He suggested while tugging at another indecent dress, this one in red.

"I thought we were going to see a movie with Sam?"

"We are."

"Then why would I dress up like a hooker?" I asked as I stopped and studied a top, not quite sure if it was me or not.

"Ha ha." Dean responded actually sulking now. With a sigh and an eye roll I picked up a little black dress. A classic one. One that my father wouldn't object to me leaving the house in. If I ever managed to find him again that was. I also got a skirt that was tight and black, a little shorter than I'd normally wear but not too short plus it would work with one of the strappy tops I'd got and also the top I'd picked that I'd decided was me after all. Or would be me if I was going out to a bar or something anyway.

"Happy now?" I asked Dean with a grin.

"Ecstatic." He replied whispering the word into my ear and dragging the syllables out, making me shudder with new and exciting feelings. Or I did feel like that until he handed one of his credit cards to the check-out girl anyway.

"Hey!" I exclaimed making the girl taking the card jump a bit. "I was getting those."

"Can't a guy do something nice for his girlfriend every now and then?" Dean shrugged while grinning that lopsided yet devishly sexy grin at me. I was doomed to lose when he pulled out the big guns.

The first and last time he'd treated me to a shopping spree, or a shopping spree for me anyway, I grinned thinking of Alice.

I was so caught up in my memories that I hadn't noticed the bathroom door opening. Though I did hear the loud thud that it made hitting the cheap white plaster behind it. Shrieking like the girly-girl that I wasn't I automatically covered myself up while condemning myself for not brining a weapon into the shower with me. I was so screwed now.

Or I thought I was until I saw through the shower screen the blurred image of Dean.

"Sorry. I'll wait in the bedroom." Dean muttered sounding half angry half relieved before turning back the way he came and shutting the door softly behind him.

Figuring that the research for the day must be done, even though it was barely noon, I quickly finished off my shower and got ready as fast as I could, picking out my clothes with extra care and applying some make-up, perhaps a little more than usual, I then gave my hair the once over with my hairbrush before grabbing my bag and leaving the small bathroom.

I walked out into the bedroom to see Dean sat on the edge of what had been our bed with his elbows balanced on his knees and his hands thrust into his hair, his face buried in his palms.

My stomach lurched at the sight of seeing Dean so hurt, so defeated. I loathed myself for knowing that I was at least part of the cause for this. I had to fix it. I'd do anything, give anything to fix it, to have Dean back to usual self. Which meant grabbing hold off my big girl panties and pulling them up. An odd phrase that I'd got off Bobby, but on that definitely applied to now.

"Hey." Was my all so stunning opening line. "Bathrooms free now."

~0~

Deans P.O.V

I wasn't a chick, or Sammy, therefore I felt no need to sit whining about my problems; bitching and crying wasn't going to do shit. So I kept that mask up, that one that stopped people from knowing when they'd hurt you, when everything was too much to deal with. That way no-one knew shit, and that's how I wanted to keep it. Outside I was fine, everything was cool. Inside was a different story though. I had this nagging pit in the bottom of my gut, telling me that I'd finally fucked things up for good. That was it she was gone. One of the very few things that got me out of bed each morning had been snatched away by another supernatural son of a bitch. How much could one person take? I didn't know but I was starting to think that if B had gone for good that I'd reached that limit, I'd had all I could take.

So when Bobby came over to the dusty corner I'd sat my ass down in with an ancient book that I'd read one line of over and over again I didn't even bother looking up. I didn't want that chick flick moment. I didn't want to open up sit in a circle and talk about our feelings and all that other flowery crap that Sam seemed so into. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts and memories. Or I wanted to be beating the shit out of something. Probably more the last option.

"That book have anything interesting in the first page son?" Bobby smart mouthed in that gravelly voice of his that I can never seem to imitate quite right despite years of practice.

"I haven't found anything but better to be thorough right?" I said my voice matching his sarcasm level. Sarcasm was something I could do and do well.

"Ellen sent me a message. Bella's back at the motel." Bobby told me, his voice low so we wouldn't be overheard. "Go and get her son."

I didn't need to be told twice, if there was a chance, no matter how small I had to take it, it was the Winchester way after all, taking the chance always, no matter how slim. I knew Bobby would cover for me and not let on to anyone else that B was back as I slammed my book down on the nearest space and marched over to the exit. My mind a blur as I did. Ask me to face a murderous ghost, a demon, a rawhide, a Wendingo and I was fine, ask me to face my personal problems and I was screwed.

If it weren't for that demon… When Lisa had shown up obviously I was shocked, I mean what were the chances right? My first thought had been; 'why's she here? Is Ben in trouble?' I'd always had a soft spot for that kid. He was pretty cool after all, and I'd had a soft spot for his mom too. But nothing like how I felt for B. Nothing even close. So I'd never, in a lifetime do anything to fuck things up between us. Yet here we fucking were. If there was a God, then he was a douche bag.

Bella was unlike any other girl that I'd ever met, screw that, she was like any other person that I'd ever met. She was tough, she'd take any hit and get back up, she always bounced back from everything. She was smart too, and funny, kind, compassionate, quick off the smart and she could almost shoot as well as Sam and I. Almost. But more than all of that she got me, just like I got her. It just worked with her. Like everything that was supposed to click into place finally had.

That's not to say that everything was sunshine and unicorns farting rainbows, because it wasn't, it was hard sometimes, and we had our fair share of arguments. Damn did we.

As I reached my baby and unlocked her (which I hadn't failed to do since B hotwired her, leaving me with hours of repair work to do so she was brand new again) I started to remember an argument that we'd had a couple months back. We'd just finished a hunt on a witch, we'd had to stay in a squat so things were even more uncomfortable than normal, not that B had complained even once. We were out of the town the second the son of a bitch was dead, travelling as far away as we could. Four hours in and we'd stopped to get a room for the night. Sam had got his own room so B and I could unwind together. Which would have been nice except for the fact we were pretty sure B had fractured her wrist. But she wouldn't go to the doctors, saying she had a brace for it and that would be enough.

"Sweetheart just go to the damn hospital already!" I said starting to get annoyed, there was brave and then there was stupid.

"I'm fine, see. Brace in place and everything." She smiled at me then gave a small giggle, which hit at body parts lower than my heart. Girl really didn't realise just how sexy she could be. "I'm evening rhyming, I must be fine."

"I don't give a shit if you're turning into Doctor Seuss himself, you need to get that looked at. Please."

"Will you hear what I'm saying? I'm fine." She was starting to get pissed too now I could tell, unfortunately that got me even more mad, why the hell was she getting pissy, she was being unreasonable!

"I can hear you just fine, but as you're not a trained doctor I don't think your opinion on whether your fine or not is worth squat! Just go to the freaking hospital! I'll drive you there, I'll hold your hand through it all then I'll drive you back and we can get pie. Everyone's happy and you're not in pain! Why is that so damn hard?"

"My opinion is worth squat? What you don't think I know my own body?" Bella's voice was almost at shouting level, her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were darker.

"If you're telling me you're not in pain when you freakin' are then no I don't think you know your own body!" My voice had risen to a shout too. The last few days had chipped away at both of our patience, we were tired, dirty, bruised, broken and irritable. I knew it and I knew we were taking it out on each other, I knew it but I couldn't help but be angry. She always had to be a martyr, always had to sacrifice herself, even when she didn't need too!

"How the hell do you know if I'm in pain or not? Are you me? No! So maybe my opinion on myself is valid!" Bella had taken a step closer to me, her voice risen to a shout, her face tilted up to look at me, her skin paling making her lips look redder. She'd almost never looked hotter.

I took that step closer to her but instead of screaming back I bent down and kissed her. Putting the heat of the argument into a rough kiss that had me wanting to do naughty things very hard to this sexy, passionate, fiery woman in my arms.

I smiled faintly at the memory that was another reason to love B, almost all of our arguments ended up with us making up in the best way we could. She was amazing in the bedroom, even before we'd had sex. But now that we had, god. There weren't words to describe her. She was fucking awesome. And she used to be all mine.

I reached the motel and took a deep breath before getting out of the Impala. I had to get her back, I had to do or say or promise whatever the fuck it took. Cause without her I was a broken man. Half a man. And a freakin' chick for admitting it.

I passed Ellen and Charlie's room before getting to ours. And what was the deal with Ellen and Charlie? Bella didn't know and protested that she really didn't want to know. I was with her on that. It was too gross.

I took the key out and unlocked the door to the room, to find it empty. Both beds were made, the ugly blue patterns glaring at me, seemingly mocking me, saying 'ha-ha, you're too late'. And I was. The room was empty and her bag had gone.

Then I noticed a light coming from under the bathroom door. My heart jumped as I realised that I might still have a chance, she might still be here. But then again I might have left the light on this morning.

I shoved open the door, it was unlocked so that was a bad sigh. But when the door had opened I was greeted with a very high pitched shriek and a very naked and wet Bella.

"Sorry. I'll wait in the bedroom." I muttered turning back and heading back for the bed covers that were now just bed covers, very ugly bedcovers but at least they weren't mocking me anymore.

She was here, that was something, the other thing was if I could get another chance with her. Or even a chance to explain, to speak with her. Or would I be left battered from the inside and alone with my little brother once more?

Would I never have the chance to gaze at her curves again, to put my hands on her waist, to grab her and pull her even closer to me? To hear her moaning out my name as though it was a prayer? Would I never have her lying in my arms again, be able to watch her sleep the smile on her lips enough to keep me from my nightmares for hours? I didn't know, but the idea that any of that would ever happen again was almost too much.

I heard the bathroom door open and the soft deliberate footsteps of Bella coming into the room. "Hey, bathrooms free now." So here it went, my chance to get her back.

A/N so the talk will come next week I promise. Hope you enjoyed this, leave me a review to let me know either way. See you next week. Love as always, Tametiger x