Chapter 38.
Dean had changed position a few times to avoid cramp and other discomforts. Cas was still and quiet behind the tree. When Dean settled and fell silent, he heard Cas say, "Is there a problem?"
"Just getting a little cold and stiff." said Dean.
"I know where there's a fire." said Cas.
Dean didn't answer. It would be good to be warm and no doubt Sam was beginning to worry about him, but away from the light and the witnesses, sitting back to back with Cas, with only a tree between them, there was a kind of peace. Cas didn't seem like an angel. He didn't feel like a victim. Their shared history meant more than recent suffering and Dean was beginning to feel that perhaps there could be a reconciliation.
"I'm not trying to rush you." said Cas.
"I'm not ready." said Dean.
"No problem. Are you still okay with this? With me here?"
"Yeah." said Dean. He wanted to say that he wanted Cas there, that the possibility of saving their friendship was important to him, but the angel-scarred sections of his mind were telling him not to admit his weakness, his vulnerability, his need. "Are you okay?" he said.
Cas's response sounded like he was smiling. "Yes, Dean, I'm okay."
"Because I know I have put you through it lately."
"And now you're here and we're talking. Are you feeling any urge to kill me at all?"
"Relax, I have no angel blade."
"I didn't ask if you had the means. I asked if you had the inclination." said Cas.
"For now, like this, I'm okay." said Dean, "And before you ask, Pact okay too."
"That's good." said Cas.
"But it's not practical to make sure there's always a tree between us."
"If that's what it takes ... "
"It wasn't a joke."
"I'm not laughing. If the price of your friendship involves meeting only in forests ... well, I've paid more for less."
Dean heard Cas's phone announce a text.
"Sam, asking where we are?"
"Jules, checking if I'm okay. She worries."
"What will you tell her?"
I'm just saying, "All is well. I love you."
"Wow."
"Is that wrong?" said Cas, sounding concerned.
"No, that couldn't be more right. It's just good to hear you're relaxed about 'I love you' even if you can't figure out the rest."
"Meaning sex?" said Cas.
"It's not my business and Sam says I should butt out."
"Hey, we're talking. Let's talk. Maybe the human stuff keeps us in a safe zone."
"I just want you to be happy." said Dean. He was in no position to criticise how anyone else handled their relationships.
"Forget the disclaimers. I welcome your advice. The truth is, it's becoming a problem."
"Just a second." said Dean. He closed his eyes and searched for negative feelings about Cas, for any cold sliver of contempt that might make him say something terrible. "Okay," he said, "Just needed to check Michael had left the building. Figuratively. What's the current situation? I mean, you made the big commitment, right? That ring?"
"Yes. We're committed. I love her. She loves me. We both want to have sex, we've been so close to having sex and then I just can't."
"How close?"
"We kiss a lot ... and intimately."
"You kiss a lot? Well, kissing isn't ... intimately?" Dean remembered who he was talking to and what he had been told about the electrical issues at the farm and bunker. "Cas, when you say you kiss, kissing for you is anything involving the mouth, right?"
"Yes. What else would kissing be?"
"So you've kissed her ... uh ... intimately."
"Yes, several times now. We both enjoy it very much."
"Yeah, I'll bet you do. And has she kissed you that way?"
"No, not yet. She wants to, but it feels wrong."
"Wrong?"
"Untimely. It's too soon. It's dangerous. As things are, I can control my base impulses, the demands of this human vessel."
"There is no human in that vessel, Cas. You can't blame this on Jimmy."
"I don't, I blame it on the flesh. Dean, it hungers for touch, for sex."
"I know that feeling well."
"But you've had a lifetime to learn to handle it. I can't. If she saw the thoughts in my head, she might run screaming from me."
"Are the thoughts violent or non-consensual or abusive?"
"No, of course not."
"Of course not, because that's not who you are. You're scared of your perfectly normal need for sex."
"It's not normal for angels." said Cas.
"Nothing about you is normal for angels. That's why you're the only angel I don't want to gut and gank."
"Thanks. That's a kind thing to say." said Cas.
Whether he was joking or not, it was one of the nicer things Dean had said recently. He felt bad about that and he consciously buried the feeling, knowing guilt was a gateway to irritation and then anger.
"Maybe you should tell Jules all the thoughts in your head, because I don't think she'll be disgusted or scared. I think her head is filled with similar thoughts."
"She hasn't mentioned them."
"No, because she's trying not to demand anything you don't want to give. If she's letting you kiss her like that, that's a big thing. She trusts you and she loves you. I think she wants you as much as you want her."
"Sometimes, she suggests we should both be naked."
"It's a good first step." said Dean.
"But I feel overwhelmed by the physical sensations and desires when I take the coat off and lie beside her."
"And you have to avoid feeling overwhelmed."
"Yes." said Cas.
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Most of humanity spends most of its time looking for something good enough to overwhelm their senses like that."
"Everything overwhelms human senses. The hardest part of learning to live in the flesh is learning to handle the constant assault on the senses. When she says, 'I love you.' I feel my heart pound and my stomach flip and I can't focus on anything else. When we kiss, even just mouth to mouth, my lips become the centre of the universe. Her breath on my skin as she sleeps is almost more than I can endure. I have no self-control when I am with her."
"You have absolute self-control. That's the problem." said Dean, "You have impressive self-discipline, but if you're ever planning to have a proper relationship with her, you need to learn to let go."
"It's easy for you. You don't know what it's like to be afraid all the time."
"I don't? I've been scared my whole life!" He hadn't intended to say that. There were dangers to this talking together in the dark thing. He knew Cas had heard him. There was no point in trying to pretend he hadn't said it. "That's what life is, finding a way to step past the fear."
"And if I can't, Jules and I can never make love."
"Hey, none of that! If you can't? You molotoved Michael! You've stopped more apocalypses than you've had changes of outfit. You've kept two dumb, reckless hunters mostly alive. You took the son of Satan and you made the kid a saint. There is nothing you can't do."
"Nothing?"
"Hell, you have Dean Winchester sitting under a tree talking chick-flick stuff."
"That I have Dean Winchester still talking to me after I let him get taken over by Michael ... "
"I said yes. My choice."
"Doesn't seem to alter my guilt."
"Well, it should." said Dean, "I think you should talk to Jules. Tell her everything. Tell her you want it to happen, but you're scared and maybe you need her to help you get past that."
"That's the advice Sam gave me."
"Then why haven't you done it?" said Dean, "Sam knows a lot more about relationships than I do."
"I have, a little. It's not easy, to admit to being terrified."
"Newsflash: when it comes to love, we're all terrified, all the time. Trust me, she gets it." Dean was starting to feel very cold and his legs were becoming stiff again. "We should head back."
"If you're ready."
"At some point, I have to face them. See? If I can face my fear, so can you."
"I thought I was your fear and you can't face me yet."
"Well, now I'm gonna have to." said Dean. He went to stand up, but it was a struggle. "I may be frozen to the spot." he said, "My legs don't like this cold."
"If I try to help, you'll see it as an attack." said Cas.
"We just had a pretty deep discussion. Come help me up, you feathered freak."
He heard Cas get up and felt his whole body tense. His heart began to pound as Cas approached his side of the tree. When the hand reached out to him, it took a serious effort of will to grasp it, but he did and the angel lifted him easily to his feet.
"I could warm you a little." said Cas.
"We'll be by a roaring fire soon." said Dean.
"How do you want to do this? Should I go first? Should I hang back? How far away do I need to be to make you feel comfortable?"
"We'll go together." said Dean, "It'll reassure Sam."