Chapter 40.

Jules was tired, but not eager to try to sleep. Cas said all was well in his text, but he always tried not to worry her and even if everything had been fine then, Dean was volatile and Cas was vulnerable. She knew she couldn't do a thing to help, but felt she should at least keep a vigil. She sat in a quiet corner of the library, reading and re-reading obscure books on angelology.

Some books were useful. Some helped to explain how the pure essence of an angel interacted with the muddy, sluggish mundanity of a human vessel. To a degree, the presence of the human soul in the vessel both buffered and assisted the angel in dealings with material matters. The human seemed to take the edge off the sensations and emotions that could otherwise overpower the celestial essence. Even where that was not possible, the human consciousness could help the angel to understand.

Some books said that was good, some that it was bad. A few spoke of the dangers to the pure angelic essence from overlong contact with humanity, especially in the close bond between angel and vessel. For many angels, it was a bond that became a deep affection. Jules remembered how Cas spoke of Jimmy with genuine love and regret for his death and for all the suffering that preceded it. Cas had, for love of Jimmy, taken an interest in his daughter's welfare and now, it felt like his affection for Claire was close to that of a father, though shot through with guilt.

Such closeness was corrupting, in the eyes of many experts, especially the theologians. Jules saw it differently. Angels came from Heaven cold and certain. The ones who had burned her world to ashes had been utterly sure of their righteousness. Cas doubted his every thought and action, questioned his own motives, agonised over decisions, regretted his mistakes. Jimmy and Dean had both taught him that, corrupted him, in the eyes of Heaven and Heaven's cheerleaders, but how was he corrupt in his questioning when those who had never questioned their orders to cleanse a city or smite some innocent as part of a larger plan were seen as pure? To her, the latter were pure evil, Cas, a creature tortured by his devotion to good.

Often, as she read, she would think about what those disapproving moralists and theologians would think of her relationship with Cas. She liked to imagine their pompous faces contorted with disgust as they heard that he was spending his nights exploring her naked flesh. Okay, his explorations had barely touched on the coastline, but he was certainly getting his feet wet.

Her reading was disturbed by the sudden appearance of a mug off coffee, placed in front of her by Mary Winchester.

"Thanks." she said.

"Hunters have unhealthy sleep patterns." said Mary.

"Hunters have unhealthy everything patterns." she replied.

"True. I can't sleep either. It's hard, knowing our boys are out there and we can't help them. Have you heard anything?"

"Some time ago, he texted to say, 'All is well. I love you.' Which is three words longer than it needed to be. Of course, he sometimes uses, 'I love you.' to mean, 'Don't worry.' The many codes of Castiel. I could write a book on them."

"I hope all is well."

"I don't think he would deliberately lie to me. Our relationship is fairly honest. Truth matters, to both of us."

Mary sat opposite her. "Since Dean got back, he's so different. I mean, adult Dean has always been closed off and private, but this time, he's so wrapped up in himself, as if we just don't exist for him anymore. He came to talk to me and that seemed like progress, but however hard he tried, he couldn't say much to me. He was so afraid of Castiel."

"And Cas is so afraid of being rejected by Dean. It scares me how easily Dean could shatter his heart without even noticing."

"Dean would notice." said Mary, "All he seems to see is the harm he does. All I ever wanted was for my children to be free of all the horrors of hunting. I wanted them to have normal lives. I wanted to spare them what I went through. But they had it worse than I ever did. Both my sons went to Hell. Both of them were invaded and controlled by archangels. A lifetime of pain without me there to help them or comfort them and now I am here and I still can't be there when they need me."

"I know you feel like you failed them, but they turned out alright. Whatever they went through, they had the strength to come out the other side. Yes, they both went to Hell, the demon factory, and both came out more human, more compassionate, more caring, than they went in, give or take a little soullessness for a time."

"I know they've saved a lot of people."

"Worlds, Mary. They saved their world several times. They saved the remnants of mine. They saved Cas and the changes they wrought in him have not played out yet. Great things will come of them. I'm sure of that."

"All that they are, they are by their own efforts. I failed them." said Mary.

"I don't think so. Dean is the way he is because he's strong. He's stronger than whatever Michael did to him. Half the reason he's so shut off now is that he's strong enough to hold up those walls whatever gets thrown at him. That strength didn't come from nowhere. When you and I fought side by side in my world, I saw that strength in you, that inability to surrender. I saw you face down angels with a sharpened stick. I saw you ready to die for people you didn't know."

"People I already knew were worth dying for." said Mary.

"You think you left your sons with nothing. I think you gave them the very strength that will get them both through this ... through everything. Those boys will never give up. They will never stop fighting."

"I still wish they had never had to start."

"I know, but we're all born on the battlefield, whether we know it or not." Jules checked her phone.

"Anything?" said Mary.

"Nothing. Of course, if he and Dean are talking, he won't want to stop to tell me about it and if they're fighting, he won't have time. Still wish I could be with him."

"I wish I could be with Dean. This stinks, knowing they could all be in distress and I'm not there."

"Watching helplessly as the people I love get hurt is too much of a theme in my life. I think that's why I started fighting and why I fight so hard. And now, there's nothing I can do and the angel I love, my sort of stepson and two men who are like brothers to me could be destroying each other and I'm here, reading books about angels."

"If it helps, having you to talk to stops me losing my mind." said Mary.

"Thanks. That does help. At least I can help someone."

"Finding anything good about angels?"

"I'm finding a lot of things I need to ask Castiel about."

"I never know how to talk to Castiel. For you, it seems to come so naturally."

"It's a matter of getting into the right mindset. With Cas, I am simultaneously talking to a supragenius with a perfect knowledge of history, theology, philosophy and apiculture and a three year old child who needs the most basic concepts explained. It can be exhausting. I also have to remember that everything he hears gets filtered through layers of shame and fear that I can't fully understand."

"How do you deal with that?"

"I talk fast, comfort often and constantly ask myself, 'Is there any way he can hear this as an accusation?' And I still get it wrong. Fortunately, he understands all that, so he usually gives me a chance to rephrase and rectify the situation."

"You're working hard for this relationship."

Jules chuckled. "Actually, he's the least problematic boyfriend I've ever had. Frankly, my whole love life has been a bit of an apocalypse."

"It sounds like it." said Mary, smiling.

"Unlike the others, he's worth the effort. He's worth everything." said Jules.