Chapter 41.
After Dean fell asleep, the others spoke little and very quietly. His exhaustion had been obvious and nobody wanted to disturb his first real sleep in a long time.
Sam wanted to talk to Cas, but it was impossible. Their eyes communicated a little, enough to tell Sam that Cas was also a lot more at peace now, but wanting to let Dean sleep and also worrying about how much Jack should hear kept both of them from speaking aloud.
Jack was happy enough. For the first hour, he watched over Dean, a guardian nearly-angel. Then he seemed content that Dean was getting the rest he needed and he watched the flames, gazing into them with a contemplative look. Sam could not guess at the thoughts in his head but the expression on his face was peaceful and Jack lacked the Winchester art of concealing his emotions.
Eventually, Jack relaxed on his pile of leaves and twigs and also fell asleep. In the glow of the firelight, he looked very young, reminding Sam just how vulnerable he was. Cas must have felt the same way. He took off his coat and laid it over Jack. Then he went and sat on the ground near Sam.
"You should sleep too." he said, "I'll be awake anyway. I can watch over them."
"No," said Sam, "If he wakes and finds you the only one awake, he'll get paranoid again. Tonight, he needs me awake, even if he doesn't think he needs me at all." He glanced at Dean, still soundly asleep.
"Do you think, when he wakes, he'll still be talking to me?" said Cas.
"I don't know." whispered Sam, "I hope so." He thought of a way they could talk without waking Dean, but remembering how Cas had reacted last time he had suggested it, he broached the matter carefully. "Cas, I know you might not feel able to, but we could use the link."
"For now, yes." said Cas, "But if he never wants it back ... "
"I understand. You don't want with me what you can't have with him."
"Put like that, it sounds weird." said Cas's voice in his head.
Sam closed his eyes, but there were two high-backed armchairs with red and gold upholstery in an otherwise featureless dark space and not the castle he had expected. "Where's the Krak?" he said.
"He hates that we have a castle." said Cas, "Also, I need to keep a lot of my consciousness on watching over him. It gives me less creative ability in here."
"I understand." said Sam, "It doesn't sound weird, by the way. I know what your connection with him means to you. I'm a poor substitute and if Dean doesn't ever want it opened up again, talking to me will just be a reminder."
"That's a brutal way of looking at it." said Cas.
"But not inaccurate." said Sam.
"I would love to keep the link with both of you." said Cas. Even his mental projection of himself seemed weary as he searched for a way to explain. "It's become clear to me recently that ... "
"That when Dean is not around, you barely feel you exist?"
"Yes." said Cas, in some surprise.
"I feel the same way whenever I lose him. I get it. I mean, I'm a grown man. I shouldn't still need my big brother, but I seem to need him more now."
"I'm an angel. I shouldn't need any human, but without him, I don't know who I am. Or why I am."
"We've both over-invested our identities in Dean." said Sam, "And frankly, I think it makes us better people. It certainly helps us to understand each other. It makes perfect sense to me why you wouldn't feel able to keep the link with me if he refused to re-open it with you."
"It would feel equally wrong if I kept the link with him after losing it with you. I wish we could all just be at Bobby's together."
"Or at the Krak, where we have a whole tower waiting for him. Or does the fact that he has issues with us having a castle make you want to forget about it?"
Cas blinked out of existence inside the link and then reappeared.
"Problem?" said Sam.
"I thought he was waking, but he's fine. How do we handle it when he wakes up? He may not want me around."
"I have eggs for breakfast. I'll feed him, talk to him, find out how he's doing. You focus on Jack." said Sam, "I'm optimistic. Tonight went better than I expected. Whatever you said to him out there, it had a dramatic effect."
"I really didn't say anything." said Cas, "I just found that, by sitting either side of a substantial tree, facing in opposite directions, he found the situation less confrontational and threatening."
"That's clever."
"Desperation, not cleverness. He kept running away and I felt I had to persuade him to stop running. As soon as he did stop, he started trying to talk to me. He's fighting, Sam. He's putting all his strength into breaking free of this and we both know he's strong enough to do it. He only had to want to."
"What he said about Screw Michael Night ... " said Sam, "I think that's a major leap forward. He's focusing on the right enemy. Instead of turning the anger inward, or aiming it at you, he's getting angry with Michael."
"I'm not so sure. He's still aiming a lot of anger at himself. He thinks he was weak and dumb and useless to let Michael in. He talks as if he betrayed us all, but he saved us from Lucifer."
"I wish we knew why Michael left." said Sam.
"I know why Michael left. He couldn't control Dean fully."
"That's what I think too. Dean was too strong for him. Probably filled his head with Metallica 24/7."
"Michael would never leave a vessel unless he had to. Dean forced him out. But Dean refuses to believe he won."
Both snapped out of the link at the sound of Jack coughing. Cas reached his side first. "Jack?"
"The smoke." said Jack.
"Take my place, on the other side of the fire." said Cas.
Sam gave Jack a bottle of beer. "A drink may help."
"Are you sure your cold wasn't more than a cold?" said Cas, as Jack swapped seats.
"Honestly, I'm fine." said Jack, "You worry more than you need to."