Chapter 42.

Dean woke to unexpected daylight and the smell of food. Sam was cooking eggs and bacon over the glowing remnants of the night's fire. The celestial contingent were nowhere to be seen.

"I must have fallen asleep." he said, "Cas gone home?"

"Cas and Jack have gone to the stream to get water for when we douse the fire."

"Ah. Well, aren't they responsible little campers! And it's pure chance they happen to be out of range when I wake up?"

"We thought maybe it'd be better if it were just me, for a while." Sam admitted.

"In case I wake up crazy?"

"In case you feel unsafe." said Sam.

"You're not worried I'll assume they're plotting something?"

Sam tipped the food onto a tin plate and gave it to Dean with a fork. "I'm worried about just about everything right now, thanks for asking, but I think you're okay. Last night ... "

"Last night I ran away and hid behind a tree." said Dean.

Sam smiled. "You want me to leave you alone for a while, so you can beat yourself up some more?"

"Stating a fact." said Dean.

"You want coffee, or slightly warm beer?"

"Coffee would be great." said Dean, "You're being nice to me."

"Well, I figure one of us has to."

"So, they okay, Cas and Jack?"

"Jack didn't sleep as well as you did. He's a little stiff this morning and the smoke irritated his throat, but he got some sleep and he's fine."

"And Cas?"

"Cas is good. He's a lot more hopeful since you two talked last night." Sam poured the coffee.

"How much sleep did you get?" said Dean, nodding his thanks for the coffee.

"I'm not your kid brother anymore." said Sam.

"So, less than two hours."

"None, actually. I thought if you woke and only Cas was awake ... "

"Yeah, good call." said Dean. He knew exactly how he would have interpreted that, even though things had gone better than he had expected. "Sam," he said, "I thought you were crazy, bringing us all out here."

"I did wonder about that myself." said Sam.

"I mean, it could have gone very wrong."

"When you left the fire and Cas went after you, I thought maybe it had." said Sam.

"So did I." said Dean. It was a hard thing to confess, even here, without witnesses. Admitting how illogical he had been ... how divorced from reality ... to the brother who had always looked up to him was far from easy. He watched Sam's face for a while, trying to decide how much he should say. He saw no unkind judgement, only concern. "I ... " he began, but instantly stopped. A lifetime of playing the game told him not to lay this on Sammy.

Sam was looking at him, attentive and anxious, not speaking, but visibly holding back from doing so, giving him time to find his words.

"When I left the fire, I could feel the crazy bubbling up." he said, aware that there must be better words, "I've felt it since I got back, except when it takes hold, because then it feels so rational and right. When Jack told me Cas and Jules were working on something together ... working on it alone, together, I went full-on paranoid."

Sam smiled. "Jack's very innocent. I think what they were working on was their relationship."

"Yeah. By the way, when he talks about kissing ... "

"I know. It's a lot more than tonsil hockey."

"No wonder the lights flicker."

Sam responded to his grin with one of his own, but the questions still lingered in his eyes. He felt he should fall silent, keep the dark stuff to himself, protect his brother and protect himself. The last thing he wanted was Sam's pity or the doubting look that would say he was too unstable to be trusted.

As he continued to wrestle with his insecurities, Sam suddenly said, "I know you don't think you can talk about it to me ... "

"Their sex life? You're over twenty-one, kiddo." It was automatic, effortless and Sam responded to it with a look of disappointment. "Sorry." he said, "I'm not good at this."

Sam sat on the ground beside him, sipping his own coffee. "We have time."

"I'm not in control of it." Dean said at last, "Most of the time, there's no build-up, no warning. Something they do or don't do triggers it and it's there, front and centre in my head, all the hate and anger and fear and I look at Cas or the kid and all I wanna do is end them."

Sam didn't reply.

"I shouldn't ... "

"Dean, just tell me, okay?"

"You already think I'm three fries short of a Happy Meal."

"No. I don't. I think you're buried deep in this pile of archangel crap and I've been there and I know what it takes to dig yourself out and last night, that is exactly what you did."

"The crap is still there. It'll come back." said Dean.

"Yes, and you'll dig yourself out again and maybe we can help."

"When I heard Cas coming after me, I felt like I would die. I knew I couldn't hide from him and I still tried, like a kid. Now, here, in daylight, I know he's my friend. Out there, last night, he was worse than the Devil." He took a gulp of coffee, already cooling. "Sammy, I hid behind a tree, like a stupid kid."

"How did you feel when he sat down on the other side?"

"At first, terrified."

"And then ... "

"Still terrified. I spent quite a while terrified." He stared into the cup, unable to look his brother in the eye. "Then, I tried to make him leave. I knew I would say something evil ... something that would hurt him."

"And you didn't want to?"

"He didn't deserve it." said Dean, "And part of me still knew that."

"Yeah, because part of you was rejecting all the Michael stuff and holding on to what you knew to be the truth."

"You make me sound a lot stronger than I was. I was deep, deep, deep in the Michael stuff. Every word that came to mind was filled with hatred and fury and I wanted to just shout them into his face."

"Why didn't you?"

"How do you know I didn't?"

"Because you would have led with that and you said you wanted to, which means you didn't."

"You know me too well." said Dean.

"Better than you know yourself, because I like you more." said Sam, "So, you didn't because ... "

"Because it's Cas. Because he posed no immediate threat. Because the tree was there. Because I knew it was all from Michael ... all part of the poison he carried around with him. When I was ... " He stopped again. "Well, you know what it's like, archangel infestation."

"Yes, I do, which makes me the perfect person to talk to about it ... all of it. And I won't think less of you, Dean. I know how hard it is to break free, long after they are gone. I know how strong you must have been to be able to talk to Cas at all, last night."

"I didn't feel strong."

"You never do."

"Those thoughts should never have been in my head. He helped me up and I could barely touch his hand."

"You touched his hand?"

"Very briefly and it wasn't easy."

Sam shook his head. "It must have been almost impossible and you did it and you don't even think that's a big deal. Now I get why he was so happy last night."

"He was happy?" said Dean, torn between relief and suspicion.

"Yes."

Honesty seemed important. "Even now, I hear that and feel doubt about him."

"You've only been free of Michael a few days." said Sam.

"You think this will change?"

"I think it already is. When we were telling stories last night, he and Jack didn't feel like your enemies, did they?"

"That was clever, going back to the past."

"You started it. You knew how to bypass the fear and doubt."

"I think you started telling the stories." said Dean, "You're good with people. You're good with me, even when I'm a wreck."

"You're strong, Dean and you're beating this, one day at a time."

"Tomorrow, I may hate him again. Hell, by lunchtime."

"It takes time." said Sam, "Ask Sarah."

"And how long can he take this?" said Dean.

"As long as you need him to. He understands."

"He doesn't understand a thing!" said Dean.

"He understands this. He's been through it, remember? We both have. So we're here for you and we will help you as much as you let us. And I get that you don't want to let us at all, but tough, because you are not gonna go through this alone."

"I told him and now I'm telling you, I am not worth all this."

"Yeah, you've been telling me that for years. Still not buying it. You're stuck with us both. If it makes you feel better, think of it as our way of dealing with the guilt we feel for letting you get taken by Michael."

"Neither of you let that happen." said Dean.

"Then it seems unfair we should have the guilt. If only there were some way you could help us to let go of it."

"Have I ever told you you're manipulative?"

"Heaps of times. Have I ever told you you're perceptive? And also, by the way, the brother I would die for. However bad it gets, I'm here. You can fight me or yell at me or tell me you can handle it alone, but I'm here. I will always be here."

"You're even dumber than I am." said Dean, trying to hide how emotional that promise made him, but knowing he had failed.

"Yeah, I know. I've been hit on the head a lot." said Sam.