Chapter 46.

Mary and Jules were in the garage before Sam, Cas and Jack got out of the car. "Where's Dean?" said Mary, as Sam had known she would.

"Ionia." he said getting out, "He wanted to see Sarah."

Cas went over to Jules and hugged her.

"I missed you." she said, "How did it go with Dean?"

"It was good." he said, "Dean is slowly coming back to us." They kissed ardently and he said, "You and I need to talk."

"About?"

"Sex." he said.

"You have my full attention."

"But first I need to put Sam to sleep. I promised Dean."

"Cas, not a priority." said Sam, "You focus on Jules."

"I gave my word."

"I didn't give mine." said Sam, "You saw what happened in the car. You saw why I need to be awake and available to deal with flare-ups like that."

"Yes." said Cas, "But Dean isn't here, so get some rest while you can."

"What happened in the car?" said Jules.

"It doesn't matter." said Cas.

"Did you and Dean fight?" she asked.

"No. He said something."

"Something he didn't mean." said Sam.

"Of course he didn't. It was a reaction to the way Michael treated him. It was a moment of irrational anger, driven by pain. It had no relevance to me whatsoever."

"That's right." said Sam.

"It's not Dean's fault it happened to be true." said Cas.

"What did he say?" said Jules.

"Is Dean okay?" said Mary.

"Mom, Jules, Cas and I need to talk about this. We'll answer all your questions later."

"Is Dean okay?" his mother repeated.

"Dean decided he needed to talk to Sarah. That's a lot more okay than he usually is." he said, "Jack, Netflix. Cas, my room, now."

When they got there, Sam closed the door behind them and said, "My brother has a talent for saying whatever will get under your skin. He's been doing it to me all his life."

"Yes, I'm aware of that. You really don't have to worry about me. What he said just rolled off right away. He didn't mean it."

"And the main reason he didn't mean it is because it isn't true."

"It's demonstrably true."

"You don't screw up everything."

"Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, Earth, friendships, love, sex, hunting, negotiation, Charlie. Every angel lost their wings because of me."

"Cas ... "

"I know you want to make me feel better and that's kind of you, but truth, reality ... they're not so kind."

"Dean will hate himself for making you feel this way."

"No he won't." said Cas.

"The real Dean, I mean. And he will."

"He won't. because we won't ever tell him."

"You'll just take the hit? Say nothing? Suffer in silence?"

"It's easier for everyone."

"How is that easier for you?" said Sam.

"I'm used to it. And I know he didn't mean it."

"But you think he was right."

"I know he was right and so does he, so he has no reason to feel guilty. He stated a fact."

"He called you a dick."

"Angels are dicks."

"You're not."

Cas looked at him pityingly, as if he were the one whose heart was being broken. "Sam, this is not the first time Dean has drawn attention to my failings."

"I know. He's been a jerk lots of times."

"He's not a jerk, just a little tactless. A person taking it less personally might call him honest. It's not his fault that being reminded of my flaws is painful to me."

"If someone stabbed you in the back, you'd apologise for blunting their knife on your spine."

"How can you be angry with Dean at a time like this?"

"I'm not, Cas, I'm as worried about him as I am about you. This is not healthy for either of you. He knows what he said and he knows it hurt you."

"It didn't." said Cas.

"You just said it did."

"It's unfair to use my words against me."

"I'm not using anything against you."

"Any attack on Dean hurts me."

"I'm not attacking Dean."

"He didn't mean it, you don't agree with it. Can't we just forget he ever said it?"

"Can you?" said Sam.

The answer was clear in Cas's eyes, even as he stood there, unwilling to say it in words.

"Thought not." said Sam, "I think, under the circumstances, you should delay your conversation with Jules."

"Why?" said Cas, "Because I'll screw it up?"

"Because, right now, I think you want to, just so it doesn't look like Dean was being unfair."

"That's the stupidest thing you've ever said," said Cas, "And you say a lot of dumb things."

Sam knew Cas wanted to make him angry. When he fell short of the expectations placed upon him by them or by Heaven, it was as if he wanted to be hurt. His guilt demanded punishment. He and Dean were so alike in some ways.

Sam had no intention of lashing out at either of them, however much they provoked him. "Cas," he said gently, "Just bear in mind that the whole problem with Jules is that you are afraid of getting things wrong. Don't let it be a self-fulfilling prophecy."

Cas had not expected that. He was momentarily lost for words.

"You have a right to be happy." said Sam, taking advantage of the verbal ceasefire.

Castiel's shoulders slumped a little. "I don't think I know how." he said.

"Life is all about learning." said Sam.

"Angels struggle with that."

"Yeah, like Dean said, all but one."

Cas fixed him with a questioning look. "Why do you believe in me, Sam?"

"Because I know you, Cas. What did Dean say to you, outside the car?"

"He said his tongue should be cut out. He said he didn't mean what he said. He said he wished I was as deaf to the bad stuff as I am to the good. He asked me to forgive him."

"So, he knows what he said was wrong."

"He knows it was hurtful. That doesn't make it any less true."

"If you really forgive him, you'll forget what he said."

"It's not him I have to forgive to get that out of my mind." said Cas.

"No, it's not. So forgive yourself for having sometimes made mistakes."

There was a long silence, then Cas said, "I'll try."

"And don't let what he said wreck your chances with Jules."

Cas nodded.

"Okay. Go talk to her."

"First, I need to zap you."

"If I let you, you have to promise not to need me while I'm asleep, because if I wake up and you've broken up with Jules, that's gonna haunt me forever."

"Everything will be fine." said Cas, "I can get through a morning without being supervised by my guardian hunter."

Sam nodded. "Yeah, I know you can. I just need you to remember it."

"You know what I love about my angelic powers?" said Cas.

"What?" said Sam.

"They are the only things I know that can make a Winchester shut up."

Before Sam could answer, he felt Cas touch his forehead and he fell into a deep sleep.