Chapter 47.
Cas sat on his bed with Jules and wondered how best to say the things that needed to be said if they were ever going to have the kind of relationship every other couple on the planet seemed to find so easy to organise.
"This is very complicated for me." he said.
She nodded. "I know it is."
"So, with your permission, I'm going to say some things that may not make sense to you."
"I'm used to that." she said.
"And I've recently been reminded that I screw up everything I do and this, I know I will screw up. So I need to know that, when I screw it up and say something you hate or panic and try to end our relationship, you'll give me another chance."
"I promise." she said, "If it helps, I think you're only this stressed because we're on the verge of some real progress."
He kissed her. "I love the way you look at things."
"Just talk to me, Cas. I promise I won't stop loving you just because you get a little tongue-tied."
"I want sex." he said suddenly, aiming for direct and honest but sounding, even to himself, abrupt and demanding. "I don't mean now." he clarified, "I mean one day. I mean, I want it if you want it."
"I thought that was what you meant." she said.
"And I think that means that I need to overcome my fears and accept the risk of being overcome with sensations and emotions that scare me."
"You make sex with me sound horrific." she said, "You don't fear torture or death, but you're afraid of what I might do to you in bed?"
"No!" he said. "Yes." he said. "No." he said again. He remembered Dean talking about how being overwhelmed was something to be desired ... something humans desperately wanted. "I've been afraid of not being in control of my feelings, but Dean's right."
"About whatever he said in the car?" said Jules.
"No. Something he said last night. He said I was wrong to be afraid, because the whole point of love is to be overwhelmed with feelings."
"Are you finally ready to let that happen?" she said.
"No. I don't think I ever will be. There's never going to be a time when the thought doesn't scare me, but maybe the fear doesn't matter. Maybe, if I get past the fear, I can learn to love being helpless in a maelstrom of emotion and surrendering to physical sensations this Heaven-baffled mind can scarcely comprehend."
"That's something I was meaning to ask you. A lot of the angelologists say the human soul in the vessel helps to filter and interpret human feelings and physical responses for the angel. When you had Jimmy, did he help you with that?"
"I think he did, yes." said Cas.
"Which could be why things are so difficult for you now, because Jimmy isn't there as a buffer."
"You could be right, but there are other considerations."
"Such as ... ?"
"Would you even contemplate getting naked with me if there were two of us in this body?"
"That's a very good point." she said, I honestly don't know. The whole going around in someone else's body is weird anyway, but I think it would feel even weirder, knowing we had a witness. I've never wanted a threesome."
"Maybe you're right and an angel without a human to share the vessel cannot partake in human relationships."
"I didn't say that. This is a relationship and we're in it."
But it wasn't a real relationship, was it? Dean found it ridiculous.
"Dean is right." he said, "I screw up everything."
"No, Cas, you don't." she said.
He could feel the tumblers falling into place, in his head, locking into old, safe, predictable patterns, telling him to avoid the high stakes, prevent pain for her and for himself. Since there was no chance of happiness for either of them, the best thing was to give up and at least reduce their losses.
Which had been exactly what Sam had been warning him against. Sam believed he could make this relationship work and Sam was fond of Jules and would never want to see her hurt.
He looked into her beautiful eyes and said, "Jules, I am hopeless."
"I love you anyway." she said, then she smiled. "Just kidding. You're not hopeless."
"I'm glad that was the part you were kidding about." he said.
She kissed him and for a moment, he forgot his fears and pulled her close, until they were rolling around on the bed. The compatibility of lips and limbs was unquestionable. Only his mind could not be trusted.
"I think too much." he said.
"Maybe, but think some more. What do you want to do about this?"
He knew what Dean would say, be brave and trust that it will work out. Sam would tell him to give the relationship a chance and stop sabotaging it. "Are you sure this is the relationship you want?" he said.
"I never wanted one more in my life." she said.
"I want it too. I may not be allowed it ... may not even be capable of it ... but I want it."
"I love you." she said.
"I'm afraid it could take a while to get over these stupid doubts and fears."
"How about we pick a first step? One thing you think we can do."
"I could try shedding some clothes." he said.
"Good! So tonight, you take your shirt off. Agreed?"
"I may freak out. I may become irrational. I may be overwhelmed with lust."
"On account of how gorgeous I am?" she said, as if it amused her.
"Well, yes." he said, "Dean says it's a good feeling, but I think it's probably better if you're not terrified of it."
"What's the worst thing that could happen?" she said.
"Heaven could become aware and smite us both."
She smiled. "Open your shirt there for me, Castiel."
He undid the buttons and opened it. She ran a hand lightly over his chest. "Hmm," she said, "So worth it."
"I'm serious."
"You think I'm not? You know, as soon as you get brave enough to get naked, I can show you some kissing you are really going to like."
"I've liked all the kissing so far." he said.
"Bigger and better things later, I promise."
Her hand was on his chest again and his vessel, even without the human component, was in no doubt of how it wanted to respond.
"This feels distinctly unsafe." he said.
"Do you need me to back off?" she asked.
"No. That's the opposite of what I need."
"Okay. There is one rule. Any time you need this to stop, you say 'Stop.' and it ends. Does that make you feel safe?"
"Safer." he said.