Chapter 48.

"Ha!" said Dean, looking at the message from Cas. "Look at that! 'Your brother is asleep!' I knew Cas could do it!"

"Of course he could." said Sarah, smiling.

"Of course he could. I keep trying to get Sam to take a rest, but it's like he's never off duty. He can never just let go and let us muddle through on our own."

"He wants to protect his brother." she said.

"Yeah, I know. His brother who's been protecting him for like, his whole life."

"That could be why." she said, "He may feel he owes you."

Dean was barely listening to her. He kept rereading the text. "Well, he's asleep now. He never takes care of himself."

"He eats more sensibly than some I've met."

"Carbs are fuel."

"Sleeps more, too."

"He once didn't sleep for a year! And I slept last night. You know what? I woke up feeling good, not just a little less tired, but actually rested. I should sleep in the woods more often." He read the text once more and then sent back, "Thanks."

"I love seeing you happy." she said.

"When Sam is safe, I'm always happy."

"And he couldn't be safer than with Castiel."

"No, he couldn't." he said, then he paused. The thought went unchallenged. He felt no anxiety about Sam being with Cas, no horror at the thought that Cas had put him to sleep. A little over an hour before, he had spoken harshly to Cas and now all that hostility was gone ... well, not gone, but buried. "What's happened?" he said.

"What's happened is that you're once again asserting your free will and remembering who your family are. At this moment, how do you feel about Castiel?"

"Cas is great. I love Cas." he said. Then he thought about what he had said earlier. "Of course, I also messed up his chances with Jules by reminding him of everything that scares him, just when he'd decided to try to face those fears. I am the worst friend on the planet."

"I don't think you are, Dean and he doesn't either, or he would stop caring about you and whether you're worrying about Sam."

"The Sam thing is just because Sam wants to come pick me up and I said no, because he needs sleep and they thought that was an excuse."

"And was it?"

"He did need sleep." he said.

"When the Michael matter is settled, you should both come here and get some actual rest."

"Our life doesn't really allow for vacations."

"Which is why you're all so volatile."

"Maybe." he conceded with a smile.

"I don't think it was an excuse." she said.

"You don't?"

"I think you want that half hour drive with Sam. I think you wanted to ask him to come, but you couldn't make yourself ask. You pretended to make an excuse you knew would never stop him."

"Wow. You make me sound very calculating."

"Not at all. You didn't know that's what you were doing."

"So, calculating and dumb." he said coldly.

"You tend to get angry when I draw your attention to a side of you that you don't want to acknowledge."

"Deceitful, calculating and dumb."

"And you'll keep on doubling down to avoid talking about it."

"Then maybe we just shouldn't talk about it." he said, trying to sound reasonable.

"But maybe the same part of you that wants Sam in the car with you wants to talk about it."

"I have no idea what to say to that." he admitted.

She smiled. "Thankyou, my dear."

"For what?"

"For dropping the mask. I know it's not easy."

"It's not, especially when I don't know I'm wearing one. Coming here is always a risk."

"If you really don't want to talk about it, we can talk about something else. Coming here is a kindness to me and I have no right to make any demands of you or your brothers."

"Sometimes, I don't feel like I'm properly here. I feel like I'm in the back seat and someone else is driving."

She nodded.

"You're not gonna tell me that's crazy?"

"No, everything you're feeling now makes sense. That doesn't mean it's literally true. Freedom and self-control mean everything to you and you were a prisoner and you had no power over your own life. Even now that's over, you worry that it isn't, or that it could come back. That fear is part of the experience of possession. Sam also has it, so does Castiel."

"It could also be true. Michael had his reasons for letting me go and maybe the truth is that he didn't."

"But here and now, you seem very much yourself."

"Whether he's left the building or not, he corrupted me."

"No. He wounded you."

"I feel his evil inside me, especially when I hurl insults at Cas."

"Before Michael, you felt corrupted and evil."

"Yes, but not so deeply."

"The shame you feel is because you are a good man. You think Michael ever feels shame?" She spoke softly. "You told me that you want Sam with you, that you want to get into the car with him and drive. You want to talk to Sam, but you're afraid to. You know as well as I do that he will never change his opinion of you."

Dean thought for a moment, then nodded. "I know." he said.

"Of course, if he still sees you as good, you may have to see yourself that way too. Is it easier to see yourself as evil and corrupt than to acknowledge yourself a victim? Have you ever allowed yourself to accept that you were a victim of anything?"

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"Just that I remember you admitting you blamed yourself for your mother's death when you were a terrified child of four years old."

"I didn't try to save her." he said.

"There was nothing you could do. Is that what you're afraid of with Sam? That he'll see you as weak and helpless?"

"Maybe. Though if he doesn't already, he's probably not paying attention."

"You carried Sam out of the burning building. You saved your brother's life."

"I couldn't save Mom's." he said, "That will never be okay."

"Exactly. You couldn't. It wasn't that you didn't care."

"I didn't try."

"If you had, you would be dead, probably Sam too. I know your mother. That is not what she would have wanted."

"I can't talk about this anymore." he said.

"Okay." she said, "Why don't I make us another pot of tea?"