Chapter 49.

"How are we doing on the skin to skin contact?" said Jules, trailing kisses across Cas's bare chest and up to his shoulder. "Is it freaking you out yet?" she whispered in his ear.

He laughed, the sound strange in his ears. It had been a long time since he had felt such pure joy. He was happy and he was aware that he should not think too deeply about it in case he banished it.

She sat up and looked into his eyes. "You beautiful, sweet, celestial being." she said, "I love you."

"I love you." he said. He stroked her cheek. "I know how every atom of you is arranged. I hear the commands that tell your body how to exist in this shape. I understand your composition and intelligence, but I will never know where this beauty came from that exists only in you ... in us ... in this."

She kissed him and he tried not to let the way her breasts brushed against his chest drive all other thoughts from his head, but then he remembered what Dean had said and he closed his eyes and allowed himself to feel that incredible rush of desire.

"Are you okay?" she said.

He laughed again, "On whose scale?" He reached out and felt his hand close around her forearm. Lightly encircling it with his fingers, he followed it down to the hand, which he held with reverence. "I will never be okay again. Who would want to be when this is the alternative?"

She smiled. "I'm not sure if you're just very happy or if things are short-circuiting in your brain."

"I don't know either," he said, "Or care. If this is the entropic ending of an overloaded, organic human brain, I'm fine with it. This is ... " he opened his eyes and stared up above his head, where brightly coloured sparks and spirals of light were dancing and said, "Just beautiful!"

"Maybe you need a break." she said.

He squeezed her hand. "No. If you need a break, we can take a break, but I don't need one or want one and if your body stops being close to my body, I may die."

"Die?" she said.

"It's possible. Feels almost certain. I could die of loneliness. This feeling ... this ... it's like belonging ... like existing, being real." He closed his eyes again and grinned. "I am really not making any sense at all."

"I don't care." she said, "I love it all."

"This feeling ... " he began again.

"It's called being loved." she said.

"Oh. Oh, well then I understand now, why it matters. How does anyone who has known it ever live without it?"

Her hand went limp in his. "Loss is part of love, for humans, anyway." she said.

He opened his eyes. "I'm sorry. My mind was hijacking my mouth."

"Castiel, before things go any further between us, I have to tell you something."

He tried to sit up. "It's not that you don't love me?"

She gently pushed him back onto the pillows. "I love you more than I have ever loved anyone." she said, "It's about the day my brother died. I think you should know who I am."

"Whatever it is, you don't want to tell me." he said, "So I don't need to hear it."

"It's about why I don't ... "

"The love I feel for you is not conditional on anything that happened in the past or what you are or think you are. If telling me will bring you peace, I will hear it and listen with everything I have, but if you're just trying to confess some guilt I won't even see as a sin because you think it will make a difference to how I feel about you, it won't, so don't."

"It's the reason I can't pray to you now."

"You have, twice." he said, "I mean it, if you need to speak to heal, then say all the words waiting behind your lips, but you owe me no confessions or explanations or revelations."

"I love you, Cas, but I need to say this, not for my healing ... there is no healing for me, but because I need to tell you the truth. If you're going to decide I'm not someone you can love, I need it to be now."

"I won't, but tell me."

"The demon tore him apart and he lived and suffered for what seemed like forever. I prayed then, Cas. I begged God to kill him faster. I asked God to kill my baby brother."

"Juliette," he said quietly, "You wanted his suffering to end. You did not ask for his death. His death was certain. You begged for it to end."

She fell onto the bed beside him, sobbing. He drew her into his arms and held her tightly. He knew his words meant nothing to her. This was a reaction to years of buried grief. The guilt had been part of the detritus she had shovelled on top of her terrible loss, a distraction, self-loathing being preferable to acknowledging that he was gone.

The touch of her flesh on his no longer felt erotic, but it was no less powerful. The close contact seemed to give her some comfort and he wondered if she could have bared her soul if their torsos had not already been naked.

He knew now why she had told Dean, but had not been able to tell him. He knew too that Dean would never have judged her or made the pain worse. He had offered, as was his way, only comfort and understanding. The compassionate absolution of Dean Winchester, given freely to anyone who needed it ... anyone apart from himself.

That was why she could say it to him now and he was glad she had. Grief and guilt were familiar territory to him and he could help her through them.

"I ruined the moment, didn't I?" she sobbed.

"No, my love." he said, "This feels like a bigger step than all of the others. Your trust is a gift beyond price."

"I've tried to leave this stuff behind in that dead world."

"Guilt has a way of surviving anything. You have no reason to feel guilt, but I know how little reason is needed. I know what it is to lose someone, even to be responsible for their death, which you were not. I know how pain can convince you of culpability. I know how guilt can become a barrier ... a shield against the raw pain of loss."

"I loved my brother." she said.

"Yes, you do."

"And I watched him die. I never wanted to cry in front of you, Cas."

"You saw me when I was crushed by grief for Dean."

"It's different." she said.

"I know. We all tell ourselves the same thing. 'He's in pain, I'm wasting my life in self-pity. You can't have compassion for yourself, only for me. The great thing about love is, I can have compassion for you and not myself. So let me hold you. Let me take care of you. You did the same for me."