Chapter 50.

Sarah was saying very little. Dean tried not to let that bug him. It felt like manipulation, pushing him to speak, but he didn't think it was. She was aware of the battlefield his brain was and how things weighed on him and how afraid he was of the things he could say that might, once spoken, be true.

Sarah could manipulate with the best of them. In fact, he had often been glad of her ability to coax or con Sam into talking. She could also be very patient, understanding that to admit there was anything to talk about was hard for him.

"Did you know Jack's been cleaning my car?" he said.

"Yes." she said, "He latched onto it as something he could do for you and Sam and Cas thought it was a good idea. I hope he's done a good job."

"Good enough that I'll let him go on doing it." said Dean.

There was silence again. He found his eyes repeatedly drawn to the mud on the floor, an insult to her clean house, an affront to the sanctity of her peaceful parlour.

"I should clean that floor now." he said.

"No." she said, "You've been cleaning up the whole world's messes for years. Leave this one for me."

"I can't. This one is my mess. There's such a thing as responsibility."

"Yes, there is and you've been shouldering too much of it for too long. Not everything is your fault."

He stood and went over to the marks on the floor. "This is!" he said.

"That doesn't matter."

"It matters to me." he said. He looked at her. "Why does it matter so much to you that I don't clean it?"

"Because I want you to forgive yourself for something." she said.

"I've been giving myself a free pass for years."

"And back to the lies." she said.

"I should go, before we argue." he said, "I never want to argue with you."

"Then try agreeing with me."

"If I say I can't do this now ... "

"I'll never try to hold you here against your will."

"My choice?"

"Always." she said.

"But I'm here by choice and I don't even know why." he said.

"You don't?" she said.

"Do you?"

"All I know is that you said things you didn't mean to people you love and you came here because you thought I could help."

"And then I get nowhere and obsess over a patch of mud." he said. He sat down. "Avoidance?" he said.

"Very possible." she said.

"Do you ever feel like beating me across the back of the head until I stop that?"

She chuckled. "Hasn't the world done enough of that? All I want to do is take away some of that pain, give you a safe place to rest and think and heal."

He sat down again. "You know, I'd understand if you gave up on me."

"I know you would." she said, "Because you think that's what everyone does."

"Eventually, yes."

"Even though there are currently one angel, two hunters, one crazy bee lady and a nephilim who won't give up no matter how much you want them to."

He leant forward and whispered, "Except, I don't want them to."

"No, you don't."

"I just want them to think I want them to."

"You also want to be able to think that yourself."

"Because I am six kinds of denial wrapped in a big bag of doubt."

"But who are you really?" she said.

"I used to think I was a hunter, a pure killer. I used to think I was a warrior, sometimes a hero, always something. But a hunter who doesn't hunt ... a hero who runs away, a traitor to my world and another ... "

"Who are you?" she said again.

"I don't know. I'm this confused, broken, corrupted soul."

"Is that all the identity you have?"

"Mary Winchester's kid, who watched her die. Sam's brother, who watched him die. Castiel's friend ... bet you can guess the next part."

"The things Lucifer did to Sam ... " she said.

"Yeah."

"When he talked about Lucifer ... or avoided talking about him, I could see how haunted he still was. The memories were so clear and so painful for him and there was the fear that Lucifer would come back and that he would be helpless to defend himself."

Dean felt fury building in him. Damn archangels! Damn angels! But above all, he hated Lucifer, because hurting him did nothing. He barely felt it or he should barely feel it, but Lucifer had hurt Sam, terrorised and tormented him. Lucifer would never have let Sam go.

"You killed Lucifer. In a way you never wanted to have to do it and at immeasurable cost to yourself, you set Sam free. You saved Jack. And you say you're not a hero."

"I'm not."

"I think you're a hero to Sam."

"I always have been. I don't know how, when no-one has had a clearer view of all my dumb mistakes."

"You're right. Nobody knows you better. Maybe that means he's right."

"Maybe he is. Sam is wiser than I am. I bet he even tried to fix things after what I said. I bet he tried talking to Cas. But it wouldn't work. Cas will nod and smile and accept everything you say, because he wants to please you and be polite. Then he goes away and acts according to the cruel, spiteful, nasty stuff he just accepted you didn't mean, because that's what lodges in his dumb angel head."

She sighed and he realised he had called Cas dumb again.

"That isn't what I meant to say." he said, "It just frustrates me when he can listen to hours of kind words and the only part he remembers is when you got angry and called him dumbass. And he'd agreed to talk to Jules today, so today had to be the day I filled his head with self-doubt."

"The self-doubt is never not there." she said.

"Which is a very good reason to give him encouragement. Why do I never do that? Even before Michael, I don't think I ever encouraged him or tried very hard to help him."

"Well, that's not the story he tells." said Sarah, "Luckily, Jules is more than capable of arguing with his very poor self-image. If he does try to talk to her, she may be able to help him."

"I hope so. He needs someone who's not afraid to tell him how great he is."

"And you are afraid to do that?"

"I'm afraid to be honest with anyone these days."

"Even Sam?"

"Especially Sam. I've spent most of my life trying not to be too naked in front of my brother, not to let him see how far away I am from the person he still believes me to be."

"In a little while, you'll have thirty minutes in the car with him, when you can bluff your way through and keep all the flaws and fears hidden or you can be brave and give him half an hour of pure honesty."

"I don't think that kind of courage comes naturally to me." he said.

"That's quite an admission, from a dishonest man."

"Of course, I could be lying."

"Only time will tell." she said with a smile.

The smell of woodsmoke reminded him of their unusual fieldtrip. "He really took care of me out there, last night." he said, "And I know you're gonna say maybe I should let him do it again."

"Not if you don't want to." she said, "But we know he can do it."

"There's a lot of things he can do: make explosives, gank hellhounds, wrestle Lucifer ... Doesn't mean he should do them or that I should ask him to."

"Even if you happen to be having some trouble with a hellhound?"

"If I asked him for help every time I couldn't handle something alone ... " He stopped talking, aware of what he had just admitted.

"Should I pretend I didn't hear that?"

"Please." he said.

"But, you know, that brother of yours is an exceptional man."

"He is."

"And he loves you very much."

"He does."

"And your eyes are saying, 'Not in a million years.'"

"Sorry." he said.

"Do you have a reason?"

"Sam's exceptional and he loves me and he looks up to me. Asking him to take a good look at my feet of clay seems an unwise risk."

"Dean, he's carried you across wastelands when those feet crumbled. You have no secrets from him; not really."