Chapter 52.
Dean caught himself staring at the clock in Sarah's kitchen. He knew the route from Ionia to the bunker and he knew how quickly Sam could cover the distance. It seemed important to know how long he would be, though he couldn't say whether he wanted him there quickly or dreaded his arrival. He wondered whether Sarah, who knew his mind better than he did, at times, could have enlightened him. He didn't ask and she didn't offer any observations.
However, there was something he needed to discuss with her before Sam's arrival. "I know you know when my birthday is." he said.
"I do." she said, "It's gradually creeping up on us."
"And you know that I said I don't celebrate and maybe you've respected that."
"I respect everything you say to me, even if I don't agree with it."
"So, forgive me if I'm misjudging you, but I think it's possible you're planning some kind of birthday ambush."
"I think surprise party is a better name for it." she said.
"Whatever." he said, "I'm asking you to cancel any such plans. I know you'll think it's all that avoidance of joy you think I do, which I don't, by the way, but it's not. I just can't face it. There's nothing to celebrate. I can barely face them when we pass in the corridors at the bunker. I certainly don't want to be the centre of attention."
"And by 'them', you mean ... "
"I mean to avoid being any clearer." he said.
She smiled. "I see you haven't lost your sense of humour."
"Them. The off-worlders. The people whose worst enemy and cruellest oppressor I gave a ride into this world, where they had taken refuge. They say they don't hate me, but I would."
"You already do." she said, "What about Thanksgiving and Christmas? They will be here even sooner."
"We never celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas is not an issue." he said, "I'll be hunting then,"
"You'll just stumble across a case and go on a solo hunt?"
"Yeah, as far as they are concerned."
"And you won't tell Sam or your mother why you're avoiding Christmas?"
"And spoil it for them? No."
"I'm not sure Sam will let you hunt alone. He'll want to go too."
"He keeps saying he trusts me." said Dean.
"So it becomes a test of his faith in you. Either he lets you go off alone on an invented hunt ... "
"Not invented. I'll find something to kill."
"Festive!" she said, "Fine, either he lets you go off looking for something to kill so you don't have to be around people ... around your family ... or he's admitting he doesn't trust you, for which you'll make his life Hell."
"I hate it too, but what's the alternative?"
"Tell him the truth?"
"Yeah. No. Forget Christmas. The birthday thing ... "
"No ambush, I promise, but there is a condition. Next time, we have a big celebration."
"Yeah, sure, fine."
"You're agreeing to that because you don't think you'll live that long. You are so like your brother."
"Why, what did Sam agree to?"
"We're not talking about Sam right now."
"You brought him up."
"I think it's more true to say you did and you did a fine job."
"Yeah, not too shabby, huh? Truth is, he was always a good kid. I didn't need to do a lot."
"Just be Mom and Dad and teach him right and wrong in between battles with evil. You did a great job, Dean and you should be proud of the fact. He models himself on you. He believes in you. He lives for you. And really, the same can be said of Castiel."
Dean swallowed hard. The things she was saying were true, in a way, but he felt she was giving him way too much credit. He had made the angel doubt, but he wasn't the reason why the angel did the things he did or loved humanity or believed in free will. And Sam? Sam had always been the best of the Winchesters. San had been born good. Even demon blood could never fully corrupt him. Dean himself, of course, had been corrupted so much more easily. A little pain had been enough.
"Have you thought about what you're going to say when he gets here?" said Sarah.
"I've been thinking of nothing else." he said, "I know what you think I should say and I know what would be easiest to say."
"What do you think you should say?" she said.
"That depends on whether I want to reassure him or give him a responsibility he doesn't need."
"Which would he want you to do?"
"Sammy doesn't always know what's best for him."
"I know someone else like that." she said.
They both heard the car arrive and stop and went to look out the front window. "Why isn't he getting out?" said Dean.
"I think he's waiting for you to be ready to go out there." she said.
"Maybe." he said.
"Are you ready?"
"I think that depends on what I'm going to say."
"Do you want to talk about it?" she said.
"I don't think I can. Whatever I decide, I think I'll decide as the words leave my mouth. This is hard, Sarah. I never make good decisions where Sammy is concerned."
"I disagree."
"Always." he said with a smile, "Look, I'm sorry. Coming here today was probably pointless. I don't feel it resolved anything. I shouldn't have bothered you."
"It didn't help you at all?" she said.
"It gave me a moment to breathe. That's all." he said.
"Then that's enough. You needed that time."
"It seems a weak reason to trouble you, turning up without warning and laying all this on you."
"My dear, under any circumstances, time spent with you is precious to me. Before I met dear Castiel, I led an empty, lonely life here. Now, thanks to him, I have this large, loving family."
"Dysfunctional, though." he said.
"No more than any other and there is so much love in this one. I cherish every moment I get to spend with any of you. Come here scared or snarling or broken, just never stop coming to see me. You are never unwelcome here."
He hugged her. "I spent so long without a mom and now I have two."
"Yes, you do." she said.
"If I ever seem ungrateful ... "
"You never have."
He released her and looked out of the window. "I think, maybe I should let him drive."
"I think that's a very good idea." she said.
He smiled at how easily she understood both meanings of his words. "I'll be okay." he said, not merely trying to reassure her.
She held his hand for a moment and said, "If you need to come here again, come. You can always come home."