Chapter 53.

Sam waited so long for Dean to appear that he was startled when Dean banged on the car roof. Sam opened the door and Dean said, "No! Stay there. You can drive."

"You're sure?" said Sam.

"I'm sure." Dean went to the other side and got into the car.

"Where's Sarah?" said Sam.

"Inside, if you want to talk to her." Dean's expression was hard to read.

"No, I don't need to. Did coming here help?"

Dean stared at him as if he were speaking in tongues.

"I mean, do you feel any better?"

"How's Cas?" said Dean, "I'm assuming you talked to him after you left me here."

"Of course I did. I had to."

"Yes, you had to." said Dean, "So how is he?"

"He says he's okay."

"And you believe that?" said Dean, sounding disappointed in Sam.

"No, I don't, but what can I do? Interrogate him?"

"The stuff I said ... I didn't mean any of it."

"I know. More to the point, he knows. He said that. And he's not saying a lot."

"Which in itself says a lot."

"Not really, Dean. I mean, you and he, you've always had your issues."

"What issues?" said Dean.

"He's afraid of asking too much. You're afraid of showing too much. It doesn't make it incredibly easy to talk to either of you about the other or to know what's because of Michael and what's just part of your bizarre relationship."

"It's not bizarre." said Dean.

"Fine. It's perfectly normal."

"Yeah."

"Yeah." said Sam.

"Meaning?"

"He's not okay, not close to it, but he knows you never intended to hurt him."

"What about him and Jules?"

"Closer than ever, he says."

"Do you believe that?" said Dean.

"I honestly don't know. They're together, in their room."

"I had to damage his confidence just before he got back to her." said Dean.

"I did my best to build it back up again." said Sam.

"You're a good kid."

"Not a kid." said Sam.

"No, you're not." said Dean, "Sam, I need to ask you something and you can say no and you should say no if it's too much to ask or ... "

"You should know by now, nothing you need is too much to ask." said Sam, "Just say it and it's as good as done."

"No. You need to hear it and decide and I'm not asking unless you promise to say no if it's too much."

"I promise, but it won't be." said Sam. He could see that whatever it was, just finding the courage to ask was almost too much for Dean. He wished he could make him understand that it was okay to ask anything. He owed him everything.

"Remember Ramiel?" said Dean.

"Of course I do." said Sam, "He almost killed Cas."

"He almost killed me. Only reason he didn't is that sweet manoeuvre you pulled. Saved me, killed him. Nice!"

"Just a fight, like any other." said Sam. He felt disconcerted. There could be no good reason for Dean to be referencing the Princes of Hell.

"I keep thinking of all the times you saved my life, every time you pulled my ass out of the fire. You never gave up on me, Sam. Even when I was gonna kill you, you were more worried about me than yourself." A sudden shadow seemed to fall over his face and he suddenly changed his tone to say, "Which is why I can't ask, because I can't trust you to say no if it's more than I should ask of you."

"Dean, will you cut the crap and just ask?"

"You should say no. I'm not ... I can't ... "

"Stop this! This is what you always do." said Sam, "Just say it. I'm not gonna leave you alone until you do."

"You're my little brother!" said Dean.

"Four years at our age is barely a gap at all."

"It's my job to look after you."

"I swear to you, Dean, if you don't say whatever you've been thinking, I will get the Impala resprayed in hot pink."

"You're bluffing."

"Are you sure? Just say it, Dean."

Dean looked at him, then stared out the front. Without turning again to look at Sam, he said, "I can't trust myself right now. Either Michael still has a hold on me or the corruption he caused is beyond my power to break free."

"You're not corrupted. You're just hurt.

"I'm scared, all the time, except when I'm numb and not really feeling anything and those times scare me more. I want to kill Cas and I hate every time I hurt him. Jack terrifies me and I'm afraid of how easy it is to want to harm him. I'm not myself ... or I am and I am a far worse person than I thought."

"Dean ... "

Dean raised a hand and finally turned to face him. "You wanted to hear it, so hear it. There is no-one in this world to whom I could surrender control, especially after what happened with Michael. I'm more afraid of that than of anything else. Of all the world, I can only trust you and I know now that I need to trust you."

"To do what?" said Sam.

"To do what I can't. To keep this rollercoaster on the tracks. To overrule me when I stop making sense. To control and corral me when I am least willing to be controlled. To stop me hurting anyone."

"Including yourself?"

"Including myself."

"On it." said Sam, without hesitation.

"Just like that? Sam, I'm asking you ... "

"To be the brother to you that you've always been for me. I'm thankful for the opportunity."

"Sam, you need to think about this."

"Did you need to think, before saving me any of those countless times? Did you ever ask yourself if I were worth it or if the fight might be too big or the enemy too strong? Because, I don't remember a single time where you hesitated."

"Sam, I'm asking this now, fairly sane and reasonable. Tomorrow, I may change my mind. I may hate you tomorrow for doing what I ask of you today."

"Yeah, we've met." said Sam.

There were tears in Dean's eyes, but they did not fall. "I never wanted to ask anything like this of you."

"Or of anyone." said Sam, "But you're right to ask me. It's what I'm here for. It's what brothers do. It's what you've always done for me."

"And it puts you between me and Cas, at a time when either of us could turn on the other."

"As I love both of you, I guess that's exactly where I should be." said Sam.

"So, it's a yes?" said Dean.

"It's a Hell, yes!" said Sam.