Chapter 56.
Offering to go out for food had been Sam's way of showing Dean he still trusted him, that he could be left unsupervised, even though Dean had asked for his supervision. It didn't mean he was himself untroubled by doubt. Talking to their mother should have been safe enough, but either of the celestials could spark off some issue in his absence.
Dean's faith in him meant a lot. He'd been waiting a long time for such trust, but it did mean that he had another chance to let Dean down, his absolute worst fear. He was determined that was not going to happen.
His priority was keeping Dean safe. Of lesser importance, but still hugely important was keeping Dean from hurting others, for his sake and theirs. He also wanted to convince Dean that the things that were happening, in his head and in the world, were not his fault.
His decision to let Michael in had not been one he could ponder and deliberate over at leisure. He'd had moments to make a choice and he had done it. Even Bobby, who hated Michael with a passion, did not blame or resent Dean. Sam and Cas loved him for making the hardest choice of his life and saving Jack.
There had to be a way to make him understand that. Dean had spent so much of his life agonising over tough choices and hating every negative consequence of his necessary actions that he had no vocabulary of self-acceptance, only self-blame. Sam hoped that Dean's decision to surrender control to him might also mean that he would listen a little. All Sam needed was for Dean to stop shutting out all the positive stuff people said about him. All Dean needed was to see himself without the filter of his guilt.
The pizzas were stinking out the car, but Dean would have no problem with that. He was fine with food smells. It was dogs he had issues with. Cas had once suggested it was less of an aroma preference and more of a fear of anything that might love him unconditionally.
That made sense. It was also why, when the dark stuff was building, he would slam doors shut between himself and Sam. Nothing scared him like the idea that someone might think kindly of him.
For now, at least, the door slamming had stopped. He seemed to have admitted to himself at last that he might need some unconditional love. The look in his eyes when he had asked for Sam's help had held both terror and hope. It was true that it was an act of desperation, but that didn't make it any less an act of faith. The words still echoed in his head, "Of all the world, I can only trust you."
When he got to the bunker, he headed straight for Dean's room. He knocked, then went in. Dean was lying on the bed, headphones on, listening to something that had his full attention. When Sam came into his peripheral vision, he sat up and raised an arm to defend himself.
"Sam! Don't creep up on me like that!" he said, taking off the headphones.
"Sorry. I knocked." said Sam, "Did you and Mom have a good talk?"
Dean nodded. "A great talk, actually. She thinks I'm right to put my faith in you. We both spent quite some time on how awesome you are. I told her some of the times you saved my bacon."
"Did you tell her all the times you saved mine?" said Sam.
"I think we touched on that a little." said Dean, which was a firm no. He turned his gaze to the wall and said, "I told her some other stuff."
"Yeah?" said Sam.
"She's our Mom." he said, as if he needed something to excuse speaking to her.
"She is." said Sam, "I've seen the photos."
"So I told her ... I mean, it's not like we need to hide this stuff."
"Of course not." said Sam, wishing Dean could just finish the thought.
"And it was okay." said Dean, "She got it."
"Got ... ?"
Dean stole a glance at him and then looked at his watch. "How things have been ... How things are. She wanted to help too."
"And you said she could?" said Sam, feeling immensely proud of Dean's sudden courage.
"It just felt like I needed her and she needed to do it and I thought, what the hey?"
Sam realised that Dean had heard the question as criticism. "Listen, Dean, that's good. That's great. Of course you were right to let her."
"I'm glad you think so. I'm not a great judge of my own decisions, these days."
"That's what you have me for, right? And now Mom. But I gotta tell you, your recent decisions have been good ones." He put the pizza boxes on the bed with two bottles of beer. "Food!" he said.
"You are my number one brother." said Dean appreciatively.
"Did you get a chance to talk with Cas?" said Sam as Dean opened the boxes.
"Nah. Not available."
"Where is he?"
"Mom says he's been sulking in his room all morning, avoiding me."
"Mom said that?" said Sam.
"Yes." said Dean.
"She used the word sulking?"
"Something like that, anyway." said Dean, "It's for the best. You should be there when I talk to him. I get these weird glitches, where I think of him and Jack and terrible words ... terrible thoughts leap into my head. If he's already sulking, that's not a good idea."
"He didn't seem to be sulking this morning." said Sam.
"He's not always an open book." said Dean, "Or if he is, he's an open book of sudoko."
"That's true, but you are also seeing things a little differently at the moment."
"But Mom isn't." said Dean.
"That's true." said Sam.
"So, after we eat, we'll go grab him out of his lair and talk to him."
"Monsters have lairs." said Sam.
"You and Sarah get obsessed with word choices."
"Words have power." said Sam.
"That's what she always says. Okay. What do angels have?"
"I don't know. Nests?"
"Like vampires?" said Dean.
"Okay, not nests. We could just call it his room."
"That works."