Chapter 57.

As they ate the pizza, Dean didn't say much. He knew Sam wanted him to say more, but for him, just having his brother back after so long with only Michael for company was a lot. He wished he could tell him that, but he was fairly sure that Sam already knew.

"Good pizza." he said, hoping Sam could hear the love and gratitude.

Sam regarded him carefully and then smiled and said, "Yes, it is."

Neither spoke for some time, then Dean said, "I don't know why I went to Sarah's."

"It seemed to help." said Sam.

"Oh, it helped. It always does." said Dean.

"Then isn't that why you go there?"

"I shouldn't need ... "

"According to whom? We all need Sarah. Having her in our lives is the best thing that's happened to us in a long time. Dean, there's a big difference between a lone wolf and an abandoned dog."

"I have a feeling that, if I understood that, I'd be offended."

"Only because you feel like needing anyone is a weakness. Which is weird, because whenever I need you, you sell it as a strength. You've always felt you had to handle things alone, because friends, family, you can lose them all at any moment. Nothing in the world freaks you out like unconditional love and the way it gets past all your defences. You're so determined not to need anyone. But guess what, Dean? You're human. You need people."

"I thought I was an abandoned dog,"

"More like the Littlest Hobo. You love people. people love you ... I mean adore you ... follow you into Hell style devotion. But you don't like to stick around too long or ask too much. Look at Jody. There for you anytime, but you don't talk to her for weeks sometimes."

"Jody's busy." said Dean.

"Yeah and you never want to become a burden."

Dean thought about that. It was true that he considered it unfair to his friends o trouble them too often, but he felt he had good reason for that and maybe it was time to explain it to Sam.

"I can be needy." said Dean, "I have to be careful, because there's a temptation to lean on people too much."

Sam looked unsettled. There was something on his mind that he didn't feel he should say.

"Honesty, Sam. Say it."

"It seems to me that you see yourself as needy because you were raised to need nothing. I mean, I don't wanna say anything bad about Dad ... especially to you, but I can remember you pretending you needed nothing from him when you were thirteen years old."

"Dad had a lot to deal with." said Dean.

"I know he did and I'm not blaming him, but you saw what he was dealing with and you put everything you had into not being something he needed to worry about."

"The last thing he needed was some whiny kid, demanding his attention."

"You never minded me demanding yours."

"You were very young."

"And you were an old man?" said Sam.

Dean chuckled. "Sometimes it felt that way."

"I never remember you asking him for anything but more ammo." said Sam.

"Oh, I asked him, sometimes, but I tried not to ask too much or two often. Sometimes, after you were asleep, I'd hear him crying."

"I heard that too, sometimes, but you were awake a lot more than I was. Some nights, you barely slept at all."

"I had to watch over both of you." said Dean.

"Why you?" said Sam.

"Because there was no-one else and because I could. When he had a bad night, I'd try to make sure breakfast was ready when he woke up. Food helps." He looked at the pizza in his hand and then grinned at Sam, "But you know that." He thought of his trip to the cabin with Cas some time ago. "You know, Cas once said food was the only expression of love I could accept."

"It can seem that way." said Sam, "But that's fine. If food works, I'll feed you."

"Sarah does too." said Dean, thinking of the delicious pies, made with such love and the ever-present homebaked cookies.

"All that matters to any of us is that you know how much you're loved. And you're not needy. You just have needs. We all do and you've never made the rest of us feel bad because we do. You're surrounded by people who would die for you and you act like asking them for a coffee is unreasonable."

"I ask a lot more than coffee. I know what's in my head. I know what happens when it spills out. I'm toxic. I know that. So I do the only good thing I can and I try to limit how much others are exposed to the poison."

"Did Sarah say you were toxic?" said Sam.

"Sarah treats me like a son. She would never say anything bad about me."

"She also doesn't lie." said Sam.

"We all lie, all the time. Her lies are loving ones, that's all."

"You don't believe that." said Sam, not asking, but stating it.

"No, I don't." Dean conceded.

"You know she will never see you as toxic."

"No, but vision can be limited."

Sam smiled. "It really can. You will never see yourself as we do."

"I wish I could be the person you see."

"We can't all be wrong."

"You know, you never asked Dad for anything much either. Is that my fault? Did you feel you couldn't, because I didn't?" The thought had bothered him many times, over the years.

"No," said Sam, "I just never needed to, because I could ask you for anything. I had you to take care of me, but you had no-one."

"Dad was okay."

"Dad was oblivious. He thought you didn't need a thing."

"I told him I didn't." said Dean. If it were anybody's fault, he had to say it was his, not his father's. John could not have acted on something he didn't know was a problem.

Sam's eyes were kind, but not condescending. He was glad he had been honest with him. Sam deserved honesty and it didn't make him think less of his brother. That was a relief.

"I'm glad you have Sarah now." said Sam, "And I'm glad you're not afraid to ask her for help."

"I think, maybe, I'm just more afraid of trying to deal with all this without help." said Dean.

"Asking is a sign of strength and courage." said Sam.

"I don't think I even asked. I just appeared at her door."

"That's all you ever need to do with Sarah." said Sam.

"I never take her for granted or you either. Knowing I can lean on you, Sam ... "

"I've been leaning on you my whole life." said Sam.