Chapter 58.
Sam felt a deep sense of responsibility as they went in search of Cas. Dean was doing okay and seemed in control of his feelings, but that didn't mean those feelings had gone away.
Cas had not been very talkative all day and there seemed to be a lot he was not eager to talk about. If he remained taciturn, Dean might read that as aloof or untrustworthy, when it could just mean that Cas was reverting to the passive silence natural to angels. Few angels were chatty and the present situation did not encourage Cas to speak freely or carelessly.
However, Dean wanted to speak to Cas and had wisely decided to have Sam present to prevent problems and Sam was happy to assist. Silence between the two had never really helped anyone.
Sam knocked on Cas's door and said, "Cas, can we talk to you?"
"Wait!" said Cas, sounding less than welcoming. Sam heard a low conversation between Cas and Jules, their voices recognisable, their words inaudible. There was a sound of movement and he thought he heard Jules say, "It's okay." Then the door opened and Cas stood there, his tie crooked and his hair dishevelled. His eyes skated over Sam and rested on Dean.
"Hey." said Dean, "I ... "
Cas came out and closed the door firmly behind him.
Dean tried again. "I'm sorry that I screwed things up for you and Jules."
"What makes you think you did?" said Cas.
"Well, I said a dumb thing and you went off believing it." said Dean.
"Jules and I are fine."
"How fine?" said Dean, "Winchester fine, pact fine or Daisy Duke fine?"
"I have no idea what the last one even means."
"Okay, next time we're in the Dean Cave ... But you and Jules still didn't have sex, right?"
"Why are you so obsessed with my sexlife?" said Cas.
"One of us has to be." said Dean.
"Dean, he says it's fine." said Sam warily.
"He says everything's fine." said Dean, a trace of annoyance creeping into his voice, "If you gave him shattered glass instead of ice, he'd say that was fine."
"It would be." said Cas, "It would do me no harm."
"We should try to stick to safe topics." said Sam.
"There shouldn't be any unsafe ones, between friends." said Dean.
Sam started to move closer to them. Tension was rising and he needed to be ready to intervene. Cas was beginning to worry him. There was a slightly dazed look in his eyes. On Dean's that would have looked like a whisky glaze, but there was not enough whisky in the bunker to blur Cas's sharp focus.
"Are you gonna tell us what happened with Jules?" said Dean quietly.
"No." said Cas.
"Any particular reason?"
"No." said Cas.
"I knew it! I killed your confidence and you screwed it up."
"Dean, stop." said Sam.
"Or maybe it went well, but it's private." said Cas, a defensive edge to his voice.
"He has a right to a private life." said Sam, trying to sound calm and reasonable.
Dean looked at him for a moment, then turned back to Cas and said, "Yeah, sorry."
"You don't need to worry." said Cas, "It's all fine."
"You'd say that anyway." said Dean.
"Yes." Cas admitted.
"And that's why I need more information, because I can't rely on your word."
"He doesn't mean that." said Sam.
"Your judgement, then. You're so ... " He looked intently into Cas's eyes and said, "What's going on with you?"
"What do you mean?" said Sam.
"He's acting all suspicious and weird. The eye contact is all wrong."
"It's Cas, Dean. The eye contact is always wrong."
"Always?" said Cas.
"I don't mean it as an insult." said Sam.
"Just an observation?" said Cas.
"You're looking shifty." said Dean.
Sam looked at Cas. He saw nothing suspicious at all. "He just looks confused to me." he said, "A little spacey, maybe."
Dean glared into Cas's eyes. Sam wondered whether he needed to make Dean step away, but then, suddenly and unexpectedly. Dean's whole manner changed. He put his hand on Cas's shoulder and said, "Cas, it's okay. Try to focus."
"What's wrong?" said Sam, aware that Dean was voluntarily making physical contact with an angel.
"I don't know." said Dean, "But something has him freaked." All the irritation seemed to have drained away and suspicion had given way to concern. "Cas, whatever happened with Jules, it'll be fine."
"Maybe we need to go to the Dean Cave now and talk in a more private setting." said Sam.
"Yeah, we should do that." said Dean, steering Cas in that direction with a hand on his shoulder.
Cas noticeably relaxed a little when they were away from the room he shared with Jules. In the Dean Cave, Sam said, "Before we start, are both of you in the right state of mind?"
"We're talking, not working high ceremonial magic." said Dean.
"That's a no from Dean." said Cas.
Sam looked at Dean, half expecting him to take a swing at the angel. Instead, he nodded. "Give me two seconds." he said. He left the room.
They both heard something hit the wall outside, then there was silence. Eventually, he returned. "Sorry." he said.
"Now," said Cas, putting his hand on Dean's shoulder without Dean trying to shrug it off, "Your turn to focus. You need to hear this."
"What?" said Dean.
"What you said last night helped me."
"It couldn't." said Dean.
"Not the part about how I screw everything up. The part where you said I shouldn't be afraid of being overwhelmed. I always am and I always try to avoid it, which is a large part of why I always screw things up."
"You don't." said Dean, "Most of what comes out of my mouth is 100% garbage."
"A lot of what goes in there, too." said Sam, trying to lighten the mood.
"Not everything with a flavour is bad for you." said Dean.
"The point is," said Cas, "When I saw Jules again, I made myself ignore the fear. I stopped needing to be in control of myself. I let ... I allowed feelings to become more powerful and intense. I let myself feel them and I was overwhelmed."
"And ... ?" said Dean.
"And what?" said Cas.
"What happened?"
"Nothing. You would have called it nothing."
"But to you, something?" said Dean.
"To me, everything. And I was afraid and I was overwhelmed and I didn't understand all of what I was feeling, but it brought me joy greater than the fear."
"And did you ... did she ... did Jules uh ... kiss you ... intimately?"
Cas looked down and gave the smallest of nods.
"Alright!" said Dean.
"Dean," said Sam, "This is clearly a big deal for him. A little sensitivity ... "
Dean put his arm around Cas's shoulder and said, "Castiel, angel of the Lord ... "
"Just angel, now." said Cas.
"Whatever. You didn't screw things up. You did great! I'm proud of you!"
Cas looked embarrassed, but not unhappy and Sam wanted to hug them both, because that was the first time since Dean's return that he had shown any inclination to embrace his best friend.
Dean seemed to realise it too and he let Cas go and backed off. "Okay," he said, "Next question. Was it good?"
"It was good." said Cas, looking uneasily at Sam.
"Just good?" said Dean.
"Very good." said Cas.
"Never try to write a Penthouse Forum letter." said Dean.
"How are you feeling?" Sam asked him carefully.
"Pretty jealous. I can't remember the last time ... "
"Dean, you know what I'm asking."
"Do I want to kill Flyboy here? No. I'm okay."
Sam looked at Cas, who still seemed uncomfortable. "You, Cas?"
"He's fine." said Dean, "He's had a good morning. Now, while I have you both here, I need to know what strategy you have in place for if Michael comes back here."
"Back to the bunker?" said Sam.
"Back to this vessel."
"He can't without consent." said Cas.
"I think it's pretty clear saying no won't stop him, if he even bothers to ask." said Dean, "If the worst happened, is there some way in which you could destroy an occupied vessel? I mean, you were working on that, right? While I was away?"
"Two things:" said Cas, "First, that would not be possible and second, I think we should all talk about how often your first attempt at a solution to any problem comes down to your death."
"Im just being realistic."
"You're being suicidal." said Cas.
"Suicide is the last thing I'm gonna do. I don't believe in it. I plan to go down swinging, not giving up, with optional goodbye full of badly-written self-pity."
"Every time you're looking for a way to fix things, your first thought is, 'How can I usefully throw away my life?'" said Cas.
"I think maybe you're still a little out of it." said Dean.
"Let's talk about this later." said Sam.
"Tell me I'm wrong." said Cas.
"You're not." said Sam, "But Dean is a little ... "
"A little what?" said Dean.
"I just think, maybe this is a subject with a lot of potential for stirring up emotional and unhelpful reactions." said Sam.
He could see Dean was about to argue, but then Dean seemed to remember why he had asked Sam to be present. "You're right." he said, "Let's educate Cas abou Daisy Duke."