Chapter 63.
"How are we going to do this?" said Jules nervously.
"Gently." said Cas, "Make yourself comfortable." He could hardly believe she had agreed to this. It showed a trust in him that could overcome years of fearing the powers of angels.
She got onto the bed and watched as he lit several candles and turned out the light. "Why the romantic lighting?" she said.
"This is romantic to you?" he said.
"Under other circumstances, yes." she said.
He smiled at her. "I'll bear that in mind for the future."
"I really messed up our plans for tonight." she said.
"A time to every purpose under Heaven." he replied. He sat on the bed beside her.
"Will this hurt?" she said.
"No. I'm not dragging anything out of your mind. I won't be tampering with your soul. I'll just read your surface thoughts and only those you consent to let me read. The sovereignty of your mind is sacred to me."
He reached out his hand towards her face and she caught it in her own hand. "Whenever I think of Steve, I see his death. I live it all over again."
"Understandable." said Cas, "If you'd rather not do this now, we can do it some other time, when you feel ready."
"I think I need that picture." she said, "But this could be a little too intense for you. It'll always be in my head. There's no reason why it should be in yours."
He kissed her hand. "My head is full of battlefields and pain. I can add one more bad memory. It's better than knowing you bear the burden alone. In this world, he was never born, never real and it's hard to mourn a person who was never real, even if he happened to be very real to you. After this, he will be real to me too and I will remember him forever and maybe knowing that will help you."
"I love you." she said, tears filling her eyes.
"I love you too." he said softly.
She released his hand. "What if I can't show you any image but his death? If you draw that, I think it could break me."
"As I said, one image ... any image, even that one, will give me what I need. Just as I can project the tree from an atom of the wood or predict the movement of quark when I know the galaxy it's in, I can make an image from whatever you can give me."
"At times, I think of you as human." she said, "I'm starting to see how that diminishes you."
"That, my love, is flattery I can never deserve."
"All these things you can do ... " she began.
"A human could make love to you."
"You can and you will." she said.
He thought about what they were about to do and made himself consider the possible complications. "There are two things we need to bear in mind." he said, "The first is, that this may bring up a lot of emotion. You may be overcome by it and you need to know that I will never judge you as weak because you love your brother. To touch your mind is a privilege and an act of faith on your part and I will never use it against you or think less of you."
"No, I know you won't." she said, "What's the other thing?"
"If the Winchesters and I are right about how we opened the mind links ... and I have to say, the fact that Sam and I could do it by choice suggests that we are ... "
"This is half the process." said Jules, "I hadn't thought about that."
"Of course, if we're right, it can't happen without the other half, showing you my mind, but we could be wrong and it may just happen once a connection exists. There is a risk that a link could open up between us."
"And a few weeks ago, that thought would have terrified me. Now, I almost want it to happen."
"You do?" he said.
"I don't feel ready for it yet, but I think the time may come. I am willing to accept the risk."
He kissed her lips and then said, "Focus on your brother. I possible, focus on all that you love about him. I want this to be as painless as possible for you. Remember him laughing. Remember his best days."
"This is terrifying." she said.
"Angel stuff?" he said.
"No, willingly looking into the darkness and risking it becoming a part of your mind forever. Because I will die one day. For you, there's neither death nor forgetting."
"If there is one thing angels were designed for, it was to bear witness to all manner of things without being affected."
"Yeah, you're so great at that. You couldn't even pull a soul out of Hell without becoming his brother." she said.
"And I couldn't work with a human hunter from another reality without falling in love." he said, "And that love makes me want to share your suffering and ease it in any way I can. Let me do that."
"Okay, but don't end up pitying me when I need you to love me." she said.
"Pity is not something that enters my head when it comes to you." he said, "You are stronger than I will ever be."
"You've defied Heaven."
"So have you and it didn't take you billions of years to accept the necessity. I was Heaven's bitch for a very long time."
"Castiel, you were never anybody's bitch." she said, "I'm ready. Do the thing. But if you see anything else, like images of you naked, just remember, it's been an eventful week."
He grinned and put his hand gently over her face. She closed her eyes. He glimpsed her doubts and her shame at having been so emotional and then he saw her brother screaming as the demon slowly and cruelly tore his body apart. He felt her helplessness and her longing for the torture to end, his and hers, then the horrific guilt for that last prayer in her world, which had begged for him to die more quickly, but which felt to her like asking for his death.
He could feel her trying to control her thoughts, remember better times, but childhood laughter was a fragile, feeble sound, drowned out by the screams. Then, suddenly, a sign of her true strength. The face of her brother appeared, free of blood and pain, smiling, laughing and Cas could see his gentleness and generosity, his pride in his family, his near-worship of his clever sister, his sweet, loving, unselfish heart and unstained soul.
She was struggling to hold the image and Cas didn't want her to bear the pain of the other images a moment longer, so he let go of her thoughts and took his hand from her face.
"Did it work?" she said, her voice shaking.
"Yes." he said, "Do you want me to put you to sleep for a while?"
"No," she said, "Could I watch you draw?"
"If you like." he said, no human has ever watched me draw." he said.
"Not even Sarah?"
"Sarah doesn't know I can do it."
"Why not?" she asked.
"Sarah is an artist. It would feel presumptuous to suggest I have any such talent."
"Your humility is adorable." she said.
"I have been, at times, unbearably arrogant." he said.
He picked up a pencil and Jules passed him her journal, a roughly bound book, homemade in an apocalyptic wasteland. The drawing process was quick, requiring neither thought nor creativity. He simply drew the essence of her image of Stephen, letting all that he had seen show in the picture, except for those horrific images that already haunted her.
As he drew, Jules watched and tears ran unchecked down her cheeks. He gave her the journal with her brother's portrait smiling up at her and tears fell from her chin to bless his work.
"It's him!" she said, "That's his smile. You got his eyes perfectly. I haven't been able to see him that clearly for years."
"Behind all the pain that fogs your memory, he's still clear and real." he said, reaching out to wipe away her tears. "And now, he's real to me too." He tapped his forehead and said, "He's here."
"Thankyou." she said.
"And now he's in my head, you never have to grieve him alone again. Talk to me about him whenever you like, tell me all about who he was. I've seen his death, so show me the good things too. We'll keep his memory alive together, now and forever."
"I think that's the first time you've said forever in connection with our relationship."
"Oh." he said.
"It's okay. I'm not taking it as any kind of promise of permanence. The only promise I will ever need is engraved on this ring."
"I would give you a better pledge if I could." he said.
"I know." she said, "Cas, I'm so sorry you had to see the bad stuff."
"If you have to see it, I need to as well." he said.
"I'm also sorry our big romantic night turned into this." she said.
"We just shared something a lot more intimate than sex." he said.
She looked into his eyes. "Yes, I think we did."