Chapter 65.

The soft candlelight seemed right for the situation. Humans, Cas knew, had a tendency to feel safer when they could feel their features and expressions were somewhat concealed. Dean would say things driving at night that he could not when harsh daylight showed his brother every emotion on his face. Of course, low light did not alter the angel's own vision and Jules knew that as well as Dean did, but it was emotionally comforting to have just candles illuminating her vulneranbility.

It was helpful to him, too and he knew that the only witness to his feelings did see less in the low light. She wasn't fooled. She knew him too well to think he could be unaffected by her pain, but she also seemed to accept that he needed to be a part of this for her.

"I meant what I said." he said gently, "I saw his death through your eyes, so there is nothing for you to hold back about. We can talk about that or about the better times, anything. I'd like to know more about him."

She nodded. "I love you, Cas. I'm just afraid to think about him. Every instinct tells me to push that stuff down so far I forget it's there."

"Has that ever worked?" he said.

"I don't think I should waste our time together with old-world grief and misery."

He drew her into his arms and held her tightly. "The grief came with you into this new world. When I thought Dean was dead, you didn't leave me to figure it out alone. When I crumbled to nothing, you stayed with me. You held me. I remember you stroking my head. This world or your world, now or in the future, your pain is my pain, your loss my loss."

She looked at the open journal in her hand. "I have this, because of you." she said.

"And because of you, your brother's face is now vivid in my mind. I want you to tell me the story that goes with it. I want to hear it all, told as and when you feel ready to tell it." he said.

"He would have liked you." she said, "Not my other boyfriends. Oh, he hated the ones he met. He would've spent ten minutes talking to you and he'd have said, 'Finally, Jules, you found yourself a good guy.' He liked integrity. He liked compassion."

"He loved you. I saw it in his eyes."

"Sometimes we annoyed each other. It's a sibling thing. You and the Winchesters know how that goes. He did love me, though."

"He wanted to be like you."

"He was better than me. Sweeter, you know, kinder. After he died, I tried sometimes to be a little more like him. I felt like the better one of us had died and I needed to make up for that somehow." She wiped tears from her face with the back of her hand. "I look terrible when I cry. Some people can cry and be pretty. Not me."

"You're beautiful to me." said Cas.

"You know what's really sweet? I know you don't know how to flatter people, so you mean that."

"Yes, I do. I see nothing ugly, weak or shameful in tears. You cry because you love your brother. I love mine. I have shed tears for the Winchesters. I am not ashamed of that, though I'd prefer they never know. Not shame, it would just be awkward."

"Don't worry. I get it." she said.

"You get everything." said Cas, "And through all this situation with Dean, knowing I have your sympathy and support has helped more than I can say. Which is why you should never feel bad about accepting mine. I only want to do for you what you have always done for me."

Her eyes met his and she smiled. "When I first knew I had feelings for you, I thought it was crazy to imagine an angel could care much about a human or that I, with my history, could ever come to love an angel. Now, I just wonder why it took me so long to know you were the love of my life. Of course, for a while there, I thought you and Dean were together."

"We are, until his last breath or mine."

"I know, but I mean together together."

"That just sounds to me like the same word said twice with slightly different emphasis."

"I mean like this." she said and she kissed him teasingly, then tenderly.

"Oh." he said, "Dean and I have never done that."

"He has no idea what he's missing." she said. She put the journal under her pillow. "I do want to talk about him, but not today. Today, it's just too much."

"When you're ready, I'll be here." he said, "For now, maybe, I should put you to sleep. I know all this being raked up has been exhausting for you and you got no real sleep last night."

"I do need to sleep," she said, "But if you're okay with it, I'd rather try to fall asleep naturally."

"Why wouldn't I be okay with it?" he said.

"You might have other places you need to be and I'll only be able to sleep if you're here, holding me like this."

"There is nowhere else I need or want to be." he said. He touched her face and the tracks of the tears were gone.

"What did you do?" she said.

"Nothing of consequence." he replied, "Just trying to make you more comfortable."

"I don't usually ask this, Cas, but I don't want anyone to know how I fell apart today."

"You could tell Sarah." he said, "She would understand."

"I know she would and I may tell her one day, but for now, I feel very, very exposed and that's fine between us, but I need to be able to look people in the eye."

"I won't say anything." said Cas.

"Thanks. I love you, Castiel." she whispered.