Chapter 72.

It felt almost like old times, sitting with Cas atop the bunker before dawn. Almost. Dean was aware without any mental link that they shared the same fear, that his easily triggered paranoia would be set off in some way and they would end up enemies once more.

That couldn't be allowed to happen. "If I say something dumb or mean or unfair, punch me." he said.

"That sounds less than helpful." said Cas, "Logically ... "

"And in what sense do you think logic applies to me, these days?"

Cas smiled. "Good point."

"Yes."

"Because you are pretty irrational at times."

"You noticed."

"And you really hate me ... my kind, anyway."

"Part of me does. The twisted part."

"Well, I never liked that part much."

"Me neither." said Dean, "Hey, we're agreeing on stuff!"

"We are."

"We're agreeing on how crap I am, but it's a start."

"Not you," said Cas, "Just the part Michael left scarred."

"And scared."

"Still sacred." said Cas.

"Nothing's sacred, these days."

"Family, friendship ... "

"I betrayed you all." said Dean. It hurt to say it, but it wasn't as if Cas didn't know.

"You didn't. You never have."

"Don't defend me, or we will fight." said Dean.

"How about a deal?"

"Yeah, 'cause they never go bad."

"I won't defend you if you stop accusing yourself." said Cas.

Dean smiled at him. "You are far too good a friend for this broken fraud of a man."

"If you say things like that, I have to argue. Do we have a deal?"

"Okay. We have a deal. I don't want to argue with you."

"Good." said Cas, "So, how are you feeling?"

"I've felt better, but I don't want to stab my best friend in the throat with an angel blade, so I feel things are okay for now."

"Your best friend thanks you. I also don't want you to stab me in the throat with an angel blade."

"Well, we are just agreeing on everything tonight." said Dean, smiling. He tirned to look at Cas again. "So, did you find out what was going on with Jules?"

"Yes. Everything's fine now."

"And you don't feel like elaborating on that?"

"No."

"No."

"It's a private matter."

"Did you have sex?"

"Dean!"

"I'm gonna take that as a no. So how private can it be?"

"It's private."

"Bullcrap. You'd tell Sam."

"I have no intention of telling Sam."

"You don't trust me. And that's understandable. I don't trust you either, but at least be honest about it."

"Hey, Jerk!" said Cas and the word coming from him was enough to get Dean's full attention. Cas went on, "Listen and understand. This is not about trust. Well, actually, it is. A confidence is involved. The information is not mine to impart. I won't tell you because I can't, because I promised. Not everything is about you and not every piece of information belongs to you by right."

Dean understood and he believed him. He had no right to insist on full disclosure of everything in Cas's life, much less every private discussion he had with Jules. His paranoia, tangled up with a hint of jealousy, made him a dick sometimes. "Sorry." he said.

"Sorry I called you a jerk."

"On this occasion, justified."

"It's bad timing, I know. Everything I withhold reinforces your suspicions and fears."

"I shouldn't still have them. I keep thinking I'm getting past them, then ... but I miss the days when we could talk about anything."

"When?" said Cas in obvious surprise.

"When we had the mind link." said Dean.

"You mean when we had no choice but to talk about anything, because otherwise it said itself in our minds?"

"Same thing."

"Not at all." said Cas.

"Things used to be better between us."

"Yes."

"And now ... I get the Jules thing and I don't want you to betray a confidence, but it gets to me because I know you can't talk to me like you used to."

"I'll admit, you're not easy to talk to right now, but that's temporary."

"You think so?"

"There's a lot I can't say to you. There are times I'm afraid to talk to you at all. The hatred in your eyes ... "

"It's not real. It's not me." said Dean, furious with himself that he couldn't hide it better.

"Of course not, but it's there and I don't want to push you to the point where you can't fight it anymore. For your sake and mine, I have to avoid putting you under pressure. The damage Michael did ... "

"So I'm damaged. I've always been damaged."

"Dean, stop. It wasn't a criticism."

"It felt like one." said Dean.

"Everything does, to you." Cas smiled slightly. "Including that."

"I'm not unaware of my faults." said Dean.

"That may be the understatement of the century."

"I'm hard to talk to. Quick to anger, slow to forgive. There are good reasons why Sam is the one people like."

Cas aid nothing, but regarded him with a look of mild curiosity.

"Opinion?" said Dean.

"None that I've noticed." said Cas.

"Even at my best, I'm hard to like."

"Even your enemies end up liking you." said Cas.

"And now I'm this ... " He looked out across the fields. Many words suggested themselves, but he had a feeling that Cas would argue with most of them. "I wouldn't blame you if you walked away. Pretty much everyone else does."

"I think that's what Sarah calls an inaccurate core belief. You formed it in childhood and never checked the statistics. People don't leave you, Dean. They follow you to Hell and back. There's a reason for that."

"Stupidity."

"No, not that." said Cas.

"There are better people to follow and better places to follow them to."

"You're a better leader than God, Dean."

Dean smiled. "Only because God is even more useless than I am."

"Are you really going to make me argue with you?"

Dean shrugged. "One way or another, that's how this is going to end."

"This friendship, or this conversation?"

"Dealer's choice."

Cas stood and walked a few yards away.

"Cas, I'm sorry." said Dean.

"I know you can't help it. I know the thoughts are not yours."

"I never should have said it anyway. I didn't want to say it."

"Or think it or feel it. Nevertheless ... " In the dim light, his face was hidden, his expression unclear. Dean knew that angelic eyes could easily make out every detail of his.

"You don't deserve this ... any of it." he said.

"Neither do you." said Cas, "And if it takes me the rest of eternity, I will make you understand that!"

"You really think you can stand to be around me that long?" said Dean. His mortality made the ending much earlier than that, even if he were lucky enough to grow old.

"Does it mean anything to you that, time after time, whenever I had to choose between you and Heaven, I chose you? And Heaven was the default."

"You wanna know what that means?" said Dean, "It means I screwed you over, every single time. I took you out of certainty and security and I made you a fugitive, a traitor, Heavens most wanted ... or least wanted, whatever. I can never give back what I took from you. I will never even understand exactly what it was I took from you. Doesn't it bother you that I never cared?"

"All you ever took from me was my chains."

"Chains of gold and all I gave you in return was ... "

"A home, a family, a life, a purpose." said Cas, coming back to sit beside him.

"Frickin' angels! You'd follow a cat and think it was your saviour."

"Frickin' saviours!" said Cas, "You test my devotion to its limits."

"It has limits?" said Dean.

"Clearly not." said Cas.

"If you had any sense ... " Dean began.

"Yes, but I'm a dumbass, so you're stuck with me, Jerk."