Chapter 73.

The sky was becoming a little lighter and Dean felt his heart sink at the thought of another ay of dodging all the others and making Sam responsible for him and everything else. "I know why Michael let me go." he said.

"Why?" said Cas, one eyebrow expressing some doubt.

"It's brilliant and efficient and cold."

"That does sound like Michael." Cas admitted.

"Clearly, he had no further use for this vessel."

"Stop calling yourself that."

"What else am I supposed to call it? It was the vessel he wanted. I was just a passenger. Why do you care what I call it? It's how you all see us, right?"

"Wrong. And don't consider me one of his kind."

No, I don't. I won't. May I get back to my theory?"

"Okay, but all your other recent theories have been dumb."

"I thought you were trying not to argue."

"Not arguing, just warning you I might have to." said Cas, "Please, proceed to tell me what your paranoia has thrown up this time so I can decide how to address it."

"It's not paranoia."

"Does it include any declaration of your corruption or cowardice?"

"None at all." said Dean, "And you keep saying I'm neither corrupt nor cowardly."

"You're not. That's my point."

"This is why he did it." said Dean, "Out there, lost. I was a unifying force. You all wanted me back and you were working together to achieve that. The moment I got back here, weak and ... well, let's say wounded ... "

"Let's say pretty amazing for a former vessel."

"Even if he's gone for good, I can't be trusted. You said yourself, I'm irrational. And of course, we don't know he's gone for good. You all regard me with distrust. You all argue with me and about me ... "

"We don't."

"You're arguing now."

"I'm not." Cas looked confused. "Well. I am, but ... "

"Just don't bother, Cas. You're out of your depth."

"Agreed, but you're drowning."

Dean was about to disagree, but instead, he gave a single nod. "As long as I am in this bunker ... "

"Michael wants you to think that way. He wants you alone, unprotected."

"Not one person here can protect me if he comes back. You know that."

"Jack's grace could return tomorrow."

"It won't. It'll take months to years." said Dean.

"Maybe no one person can help you, but all of us together? That's an army, Dean. And an army led by Sam. Would you bet against them in any other circumstances?"

"Every life in the bunker is at risk if I am here."

"Then go to the farm. Probably a good idea anyway. A warm parlour, some good home-cooking ... "

"And Sarah." said Dean, "Which is why you really want me to go there. You think she can fix me."

"No, I don't, but I think while you're fixing yourself, it wouldn't hurt to have her unconditional love and support and a voice to argue with your self-loathing that you won't respond to with, 'Shut up. Dumbass!'"

"I don't do that all the time." said Dean, hoping he didn't.

"No, you take breaks for lunch and dinner."

"Well, I don't mean it."

"Which part? Shut up or dumbass?"

"Any of it. The silence is the worst part."

"Silence?"

"Being alone in my room and alone in my head. Hearing my own thoughts, endlessly running through the same list. Thinking of all the ways I've failed everyone."

"Not me." said Cas.

"You most of all. I promised you I would never say yes to Michael."

"We've discussed that. You had no choice."

"I still broke my promise. I think I've broken every promise |I ever made you."

"I make it fewer than one in twenty. And you always have a good reason."

"Then why are you keeping count?"

"I count everything. I can't help it."

"Everything that ever went wrong in your life was my fault."

"Dean, some of it happened before your first biped ancestors evolved." Cas smiled. "Not that this will in any way stop you blaming yourself."

"Nobody else will blame me for anything, even the stuff I did right in front of them. It's like you're all scared I'm gonna shatter. So you smile and lie and say none of it's on me, but its my fingerprints everywhere."

"Guilt is a problem for me, too." said Cas.

"I know, but it's different. You blame yourself for stuff that was never your fault."

"Mostly, tonight, I blame myself for not knowing what to say, how to make you understand how completely and utterly wrong you are about all of this."

"You could call me a dumbass."

"I like to think I'm a little more sophisticated than that." said Cas.

Dean smiled. "Yeah, I bet you do. Superior frickin' angel."

When Cas spoke again, he sounded very serious. All trace of humour was gone. "I know you'll say no and that's fine, but I need you to know the offer is here, if you ever need or want to say yes."

"Be careful what you offer me. I'm a user and a taker and I will take advantage of anyone."

"Liar."

"That too." said Dean, as seriously as Cas.

"I think we could reopen the link pretty much at will. Sam and I managed to form one in a moment. With you, it will be harder, because your fear of angels will kick in and you may lash out, but anytime you want to try, I will be ready."

Dean shook his head. "I can't control any of the mess inside here. Even if I could trust you .. and right now, I definitely can't, I wouldn't unleash this on my worst enemy."

"Aren't I your worst enemy?" said Cas.

"Michael, for now. You're about Number Six." He tried to laugh and make it a joke, but it felt too close to the truth.

"Whatever you have in there, I can handle it." said Cas, "But if you're not ready, it's okay. I just want you to remember, it's an option and it always will be. I know it seems like a bad idea to you, but how long would all the suspicion and fear last if we were at Bobby's, with nothing hidden?"

"Remember all the locked doors? Being around them could just make it worse."

"If you need those doors open ... "

"No." said Dean, "You're making yourself vulnerable enough just by sitting here."

"What do you imagine you can do to me? You gave your angel blade and bullets to Sam."

"It's never taken more than words to tear you apart." said Dean, "I know you remember them all. I also remember all the ones I knew hurt you. For the others, I am truly sorry too."

"Why are you still trying to protect me?" said Cas.

"I don't know. Habit? Some sense of basic decency? Knowing it's the good guy thing to do?"

"Or maybe you care about me a lot more than you think."

"I owe you a lot."

"Never say that. You owe me nothing."

"I'm confused about everything, but every thought in my head is against reopening the mind link. It's true, I don't trust you, but I also don't want you caught up in this stuff in my head. And as you said, I could lash out, defending myself from an attack that isn't happening. So I am saying no, but not just out of fear."

"No." said Cas, "I thought that would be the case. The offer still stands. And I meant what I said about the doors."

"I don't think you'd be able to open them. They're locked for a reason." said Dean.

"I'd give it my best shot."

"You always do." Dean looked at his watch. "I'd better go. Sam'll be bringing me breakfast soon. There's another one I take advantage of. I am a truly bad person, my friend."

"And those two words prove you a liar many times over."

Dean stood. "We'll get through this, somehow. Maybe, one day, we will get the link back and maybe you'll regret that and maybe you won't, but making the offer now, when I'm such a toxic ... Well, that's above and beyond, Cas."

"I don't see anything toxic," said Cas, "I just see a good friend."

"You poor, dumb, blind, stupid angel."

"If you need me, for anything, you know where to find me."

Dean started to walk away, then turned and said, "Cas ... "

"I know. You didn't mean any of that."

"Just edit out all the bad stuff, please."

"Say what you like about me. I'm old and strong and I can take it. Just go easy on my friend. He's not the monster you mistake him for. He's just not."

Dean nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He was glad of the darkness which let him pretend he was hidden from scrutiny, but he knew Cas's clear eyes saw the tears in his.