TW: talks of suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts.
•••
Hermione's days passed like a blur, the residue from her tears and the puffiness of her eyes from her crying making it difficult to see anything she attempts to do. She called in sick to work for the past week, needing the time to come to terms with what had happened.
One day she found herself in a routine of eating breakfast at noon and enjoying a firewhisky at 1 pm. After a few days of this, and on which she assumed was a Saturday or Sunday, her floo roared with green flames.
She looked behind her, more curious than she was scared that an unexpected guest came into her home in the early afternoon hours. She would've been more scared if 2 glasses of firewhisky weren't already flowing through her bloodstream.
A dark-haired witch walked through with two bottles of wine and take out, and to Hermione it was like she saw an Angel.
"Hermione, love," Taura gave an apologetic smile to her friend who was laying on the couch with her cat. She scurried over and set everything down before looking at her, "I thought we could have a girl's night. It might help. We could talk, we could not talk, we can drink."
Hermione felt warm, happy for the first time since Ron left. "Thank you, Taura. Really." She sat up with a struggle and offered Taura a glass of the wine she'd brought. "If I knew you were coming I would have cleaned myself up a little bit." She laughed as she looked at her attire a bit embarrassed; a ragged jumper and fuzzy pyjama bottoms with a bird's nest for hair.
She sat back down with two glasses and started to pick at the take out she'd brought.
Taura looked at her broken friend. Eye bags as if she hadn't slept in days, knotted hair, rugged clothes, a blank stare as if she had no thoughts or emotions. She could tell Hermione had been forcing smiles and upheld a happy facade for the sake of avoiding questions and judgmental looks.
Avoiding the basic questions such as, 'are you okay?' and 'How are you holding up?', Taura dug deeper, "It was Malfoy, wasn't it?"
Hermione looked up instantly at the sound of his name. She thought for a bit, almost not knowing the answer but quickly found her train of thought, "I believe it was a factor." She replied with a small nod, taking a sip of her wine.
"I know you're very hurt about Ron. I can understand why. But like I said before, I could never picture you both together." Taura said softly, hoping Hermione wouldn't take offence to her bold statement.
Then the dam that Hermione didn't even know she held up bursted, "He was my best friend since I was 11. We'd been through so much together and I feel like a piece of my soul has been broken off and destroyed. I don't know what to do, what to think. Am I still able to be friends with Harry? Do I go back to being friends with Ron or is everything completely done now? Even our friendship?" She sobbed. She thought of Malfoy, though. Even during her heartbreak. "What if I do have feelings for Malfoy? What happens then? I'd denied it when Ron asked me if I did, it would seem like I lied to him." She cried even more.
"It's all very new Hermione, I'm sure he's asking himself the same questions. With what you both have been through, I think in time you will return to know each other as best friends. But for now, you need to worry about yourself and pick up the pieces." She held the Golden witch's hands as she talked to her with soft words.
Taura had always knew the right words to say, whatever the situation was. While it did make Hermione feel better, she couldn't stop thinking of Malfoy.
"You don't have to admit it right now. But I can see it, Hermione. You care for him. Malfoy. And I believe the feelings of worry you have toward Malfoy was a mask for the true feelings you have for him."
This was new and scary for Hermione. Listening to the words her closest friend spoke, she began to think. When she saw Malfoy for the first time, it was like memories were unlocked and she was a school girl again. She hated him and everything he had done and thought, but she couldn't help but think of all the times she found amusement in the quiet, witty comments he made in class when he got frustrated. She couldn't help but admire him, in Kingsley's office, swallowing his pride and attempting to integrate back into this society, though he felt he had no place. When he was sent to work for her, she couldn't help but think of the way he strolled into her office, just as all those guys did in her Muggle movies did. With a confident sway to his step and a straightened posture like he owned the place. When they studied texts together, she couldn't help but drink in his matured features, though they were quite sunken in. As they discussed, she couldn't help but appreciate his challenges and questions, as well as his articulated thoughts and opinions. She also couldn't help but enjoy the silkiness of his deeper voice as he talked.
He's handsome, intelligent, clean, funny, sarcastic, challenging, closed off, rude, and completely difficult and hard to figure out. But she wanted him, she had feelings for him and there was no denying it any longer. She couldn't help it.
Everything in her 'dirty blood' warned her not to. But she did. She enjoyed the way they bickered, and the way he would doubt her intelligence. She liked how he carried himself, proud and true. She liked the way he produced such useful work, and contributed to her discussions. She liked how he paused to look at her as they were about to kiss, as if she were too pure to touch.
"I do." She finally admitted as she looked at Taura.
Her friend nodded with a reassuring smile, "I know, love."
Hermione was still lost, though. She had feelings for Malfoy and it felt like another weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She couldn't help but wonder if she should visit him or not. Attempt to talk to him about the letters. The letters.
"It was him." Taura looked at her confused but she continued, "It was him who wrote those letters."
Taura's eyes widened, which they seemed to do a lot lately. "He wrote you those love letters."
"I.. wouldn't call them love letters. But yes, he wrote them."
"Well, what are you waiting for? I'm not one to jump from one guy to the next in an instant nor would I suggest you do. But, I mean. These letters seemed like he had feelings for you as well, did they not?"
"Yes, but, who's to say he still feels the same way. I doubt he even knows I have these letters, he's been living in a secured Muggle house somewhere in London for the past two years without magic."
"Ah. It would be up front and uncalled for, I guess, to approach him about them then. Especially in the state he's in now."
Hermione nodded, having thought on this as well. She didn't want to upset Malfoy if she did visit him and brought up the letters.
"In my current state as well, I don't feel comfortable moving on like this. Not right away." Her heart still ached for Ron, and he didn't deserve anything that might worsen it, such as her beginning to talk to Malfoy in a more-than-colleagues way. Ron deserved better.
"Still, though. I don't think visiting him to see how he's doing would hurt. It might make you feel better, relieve you in some way."
Hermione had thought about visiting Malfoy when he was allowed other visitors, but wasn't sure how Ron would take it. Though, even now, it would feel wrong to visit. But Taura was also right, it would make Hermione feel better to see for herself how he was doing. Maybe she would consider it later on when she's better.
They spent the evening together and talked about Hermione's relationship with Ron. All the goods, all the bads, anything and everything.
Hermione came to terms with everything that night. She recognized that Ron had possessive and jealous traits that belittled her and made her doubt herself. And while she did love him, she realized that she felt almost relieved that she wouldn't have to feel that way anymore.
She lied awake that night and thought even more. Seeing Taura was a breath of fresh air, much better than the stuffy air she'd isolated herself with for these past few days. Her mind cleared and she was finally able to see things for what they were. Ron and her bonded over years of friendship and the traumas endured during the War. She began to wonder if it was real love, though. She loved Ron, but she often wondered throughout their relationship if she loved him as a close friend more than her boyfriend. Whenever they'd kiss or be intimate with each other a couple months after their first kiss in the Chamber of Secrets, there was an awkwardness that began to surround them, it never felt right. Maybe that's why they never held hands or showed PDA. Because it was never right and they both knew it, but needed each other around. Maybe their entire relationship was a result of everyone's insinuations and pushiness, everyone always thought they'd end up together and so automatically, they thought so as well.
She didn't belong with Ron and she could see it now. They didn't have much in common and had entirely different lives they wished to live. They were best friends, and she enjoyed their laughs and little friendly arguments. But being in a relationship was too much, she thought. Being in a relationship with Ron wasn't what either of them needed; their friendship is what they needed.
Maybe she would contact him at some point, to meet up and explain this. Maybe he even felt the same. However, she knew she needed time to heal. Taura was right, it was time to piece herself back together.
•••
Harry,
I'm sure you've heard of what happened. I wanted to say that I apologize if it has caused a rut in our relationship or even your friendship with Ron. I'm doing well, and I've begun to function almost normally again.
However, I feel as though there is one more thing to do. Please don't tell Ron about this, though. Is Malfoy still only allowed family members as visitors? If not, I would like to check in on him. I feel it would ease the worry I still feel.
Yours,
Hermione
Nervously, she sent it off before she headed to work. She knew she needed to see him and she felt as though she were stable enough now.
She arrived at the Ministry and gave a smile and wave to Taura, who returned two thumbs up and an enthusiastic smile.
She opened the door to her office and was surprised as she spotted a former Slytherin sitting in front of her desk. He looked back and stood instantly, looking out of place.
Speechless, she breathed out, "Blaise. Zabini, hello." She walked quickly to shake his hand.
He nodded back, "Granger. Or—Hermione, sorry."
She walked behind her desk, "To what do I owe this... sort of, pleasure?"
He watched her sit in her chair and he quickly did the same, "I assume you heard about Malfoy."
Panic once again coursed throughout her body, sending waves of sickness and sweat. "What's happened to him? Is he okay?"
His eyes bulged when he realized it sounded as though something bad had happened, "Oh no, he's okay. He's doing really well, actually. He's getting discharged in 2 weeks. That's what I came to tell you."
Not even a wave but an ocean of relief hit Hermione. "Oh, good. I'm glad." She sat silently, looking at Zabini who looked like he needed to say something else, "Is there anything else?"
He looked at her, "I heard that you and Weasley are no longer together."
Growing awkward, she nodded, "I'm not sure how you heard that, and I'm not sure I want to know. But, yes. What is... the importance of it to you?"
"Well, I was wondering if you'd like to get lunch with me. If that's not too much to ask." He spat rather confidently.
She choked on her morning coffee that she found on her desk, "I'm sorry, what?" Merlin, and she thought he was the one to send anonymous secret love letters to her.
He cleared his throat and smiled. Oh, he has a nice smile. "Lunch. I was wondering if you'd have lunch with me."
She was single now and she didn't realize with being single, it meant she'd be able to go on dates and talk to others. Who weren't Ron. She wasn't sure how comfortable she was with it. However, she had feelings for Malfoy, and felt as though it wouldn't be right to project her feelings onto another person. "Well thank you, Blaise, I didn't realize you... felt that way. But, I'm sorry, I don't think it's the right time for me to be going on dates."
He smiled again and looked at his lap, "Can't blame a bloke for trying. The offer still stands, though, whenever you're ready." He stood and swaggered out of her office. Did all Slytherins possess the same walk?
This was new to her. Not being single, Merlin, she spent all her years at Hogwarts being single. Except for the small entanglement she had with Victor Krum. No, it was the fact that other people would be attracted to her and would make advances such as the one she just experienced. It made her giddy and excited, but more so nervous. Was she supposed to turn down people if she didn't like them how she liked Malfoy? She hadn't even given herself a chance to learn to like them, though. And she wouldn't meet anyone if she turned down everyone because of these feelings she had for Malfoy. Even then, who said she had to meet people. Maybe she wanted to be independent for a while, focus on her work and the Law. But God damn it, she had feelings for Malfoy! Merlin, bollocks, shit. Bollocks, this is too much.
Hermione quickly evacuated her office and ran to Taura's desk, "Taura. How in Godric's name am I supposed to do this?" She panicked before she sat in the seat across from her.
Startled, Taura fumbled paperwork that she was filing, "Merlin's sake, Hermione, do what?"
"Be single, how do I be single?" She emphasized with her hands waving about. She looked like a crazy person to those walking by.
"I-I don't know, go on dates, go to bars, treat yourself to self-care nights, get a vibrator!" She yelled in a whisper, noticing those looking at both of them with concerned eyes.
"How am I supposed to do this with I have feelings for—wait, do you... have a vibrator?"
Taura rolled her eyes, "Hermione, you would be surprised with how many women own one. Even guys have one for their—"
"Okay! Okay," she whisper-yelled back. "But I mean, how am I supposed to do this when I have feelings for Malfoy."
Taura shrugged as she thought. "Going on dates wouldn't be so bad, Hermione. But if it's bothering you this much, maybe going to see him would help. As I said before, there's a lot of uncertainty that you're feeling and it's mainly due to the fact that you haven't gone to see him even once. I'm sure it'll help."
"I sent an owl to Harry asking if he's able to have other visitors, he hasn't gotten back to me yet. And Blaise Zabini just asked if I wanted to have lunch. I don't know what to do."
"He asked you to lunch? What did you say?"
"Do you think I'd be asking you all this if I had said yes?" Still panicking, she looked around to see if there were any eavesdroppers.
"Okay, Jesus, I would say see Malfoy first, then see how it all pans out."
Hermione took a big breath and nodded. "Okay. Just go see him, and-and talk about what exactly?"
"Ask him how he's feeling, maybe bring up the letters, I don't know. I'm not so good at talking to guys either, if you haven't noticed."
"Oh, bollocks." She squealed in anxiousness and dread, she put her head in her hands which were sitting on Taura's desk.
"Hermione, just calm down. It'll be fine. This is all new to you and it'll all work itself out. You're a beautiful, intelligent, strong-willed woman. You're going to have a few admirers, believe you me. You're the Golden girl, brightest witch of her age. You can handle this."
"Yeah, yes," the reminder of her reputation did give her self-esteem a boost, but she only got it because of her logical thinking and her quick problem-solving skills. Not because she was the most eligible bachelorette. "Oh, Merlin, Taura." She put her head down once again on Taura's desk.
"Hermione, I say this as your best friend, you are very attractive and if I swung that way I would make advances on you myself. Now please, have your freak out about your new-found dating life elsewhere. You're getting sweat on my files." She shooed Hermione away with an amused smile.
"Thanks, Taura." She stood and slumped as she walked in attempt to gain sympathy from her friend.
She read Malfoy's text and his notes along with it, picking up where she left off. Godric, she loved how well he wrote. She supposed that was a strange thing to get excited about, but after reviewing the baby scribbles and incoherent, jumbled thoughts of Harry and Ron for many years, she loved it. It was so neat.
Hedwig appeared at her window with a letter just then. No matter how many times her letters arrived from Harry, it always startled her. She jumped up and grabbed the letter.
'Mione,
I heard from Gin. I'm so sorry about everything. I know you and Ron tried to work it out, but I feel like you both were at different points in your lives! I completely understand, and nothing in this world could ever break our friendship. I love you, Hermione.
As for Malfoy, he is allowed other visitors now, and good news! He's getting discharged in 2 weeks. I'm not sure if he will come back to work or not, but he has been doing very well nonetheless.
Let me know if you need me, I've been told I'm very good at listening.
Harry
•••
St Mungo's looked like any other hospital she'd seen. White and blue exterior, weird people out front smoking and in wheel chairs.
She walked through the entrance and to the front desk. "I-I'd like to see Draco Malfoy." She gave a small smile.
The nurse smiled at her as she looked through her files with a flick of a wand. "Okay, perfect, name?"
"Hermione Granger."
The nurse looked up at her in amazement, "You're... you're Hermione Granger?"
She stood nervous and replied, "Um, yes?"
The nurse squawked at her reply, "I'm sorry, you're such an inspiration, would it be too much to ask for your autograph?"
She smiled awkwardly, "Of course not." She signed the nurse's paper with the signature she'd perfected when she was 12 and with some direction she was sent to the psychiatric ward.
"This is his suite, he should be in there." The male nurse assured as he lead her to a room.
"Thank you." She smiled at him as she looked back at the door.
Behind this door was the man she cared for, the man she'd been thinking of for weeks. The man she had feelings for.
No, no. This was a colleague she'd been worried about. She wouldn't act as though she had feelings for him, she would act as if she were a concerned superior. A colleague, she reassured herself. She was beyond nervous, she was shaking.
She knocked. Oh my god, she knocked. Her heartbeat was in her ears, she could've sworn her entire face was tomato red.
With the turn of a doorknob, he was revealed to her. She looked up from her shoes to lay eyes on him.
He was healthy, filled out, and normal. Better than normal, actually. He wasn't a skeleton anymore. He had gained weight, the weight going toward his muscles and face. He wore grey sweatpants and a black t-shirt, his hair was a mess atop his head. She doesn't recall ever seeing him look so casual in her life.
He was beyond handsome. Gorgeous, attractive, in fact. The way his hair was tousled yet entirely perfect, the way his muscles flexed as he leaned with a hand on the door frame and the other holding the door open. There were no bags under his eyes, nor was his skin pale. Well, he still had a light complexion but he no longer looked deathly. His eyes were still as blue as the coldest night, and his—
"What are you doing here?" He asked as if he weren't expecting her. Of course he wasn't, she hadn't owled anyone about her visit or told him she was coming.
"I..." Why was it she always found herself speechless around him and him only? "I came to see how you were doing."
He stood still holding onto his door, not letting her in. "Well, I'm doing fine." He said rather defensively and harshly.
"Okay, good." She looked around at her surroundings. A coffee mug, hand sanitizer. "Can I come in?" Hospitals made her nervous.
He looked back at his room and then back at her, almost as if he was annoyed. "I suppose." He opens the door to her as he stepped back.
She took his room in, clean and organized with the exception of his desk. It was a mess of scribblings and sketches, like he was drawing and writing something down.
"I was quite worried about you." She looked back at him as he closed the door and walked past her to his desk.
"Oh yeah? Well there's no need." He said with his back turned, attempting to tidy up the scattered papers.
She searched her brain in hopes to find a topic to continue the conversation, assuming she would have to carry it, "I assume you're doing much better then."
Setting the pile down neatly on the corner of his desk, he turned back around with crossed arms, "Much." He replied with no emotion.
"Well," Merlin, this was a mistake, "Okay, good." She repeated herself. She took him in; his lips looked soft. Almost as soft as the time they'd almost... and like in the dream she had.
"I had a dream about you." Hermione, Merlin. What is wrong with you?
He raised his eyebrows, "That's nice. What exactly was your intention coming here today, Granger?" His face was as bored and emotionless as it was when he first stepped into her office.
"I-I just wanted to check in on you."
"Yes, but you've already said that. And now that you see I'm fine, what's your real intention? Because I'd like to get on with my day."
While he looked better, but acted like a git again. It was like he reverted back to his old self, like how he was in Hogwarts. Rude, defensive, a real knob. This angered her, all she wanted, or hoped, was to have a civil interaction with him about his well-being. "I've been worried sick since you've been admitted here. I was going to disapparate myself from work to ensure your safety that day. You were all I could think about since then, for Merlin's sake!" She spat.
He stood straight and walked towards her, "Waste of your time it was, worrying about me. I'm fine."
"No, you're not fine." She spoke loud and stern, "You were seconds away from killing yourself!"
"And I didn't succeed! Did I?" He looked down at her with furrowed eyebrows.
Take aback by this comment, she looked at him confused, "So you still have those kinds of thoughts then, if you consider someone saving you a failed attempt to end your life."
He ran his hand through his hair as he turned away from her again walking toward his desk chair and sitting, "You don't know what you're talking about."
"It was Harry who saved you."
"What's that have to do with anything?" He mumbled as he fiddled with a pen.
"He told me everything."
He exhaled through his nose as he gripped the pen tighter, "So much for information being fucking confidential."
"I'm sorry you ever felt like you don't deserve another day on this Earth. I really am. And I'm—"
He stood from his desk, bumping into it and knocking a few of his belongings over, "That's enough, Granger!" He yelled, "If I wanted a fucking pity party I would've killed myself sooner! Stop talking to me as if you know what I've gone through. You don't know, and you'll never understand."
She didn't know what she expected when she made the decision to come visit him today, but it definitely was not this. Her heart cracked after weeks of attempting to piece it back together. This wasn't how she wanted them to be, she wanted the Malfoy who was excited to work with her, she wanted to Malfoy who held her cheek.
Her eyes began to swell with tears and she looked down to hide it from him.
She wanted the Malfoy who smelt of vanilla apple and mint, the one who laughed at her when she was hungover, she wanted the Malfoy who was going to kiss her. But this wasn't him, not anymore. He's turned cold and emotionless, as if he'd put up a wall.
"Well, I'll let you be then." Her voice cracked as she attempted to hide her brokenness. She walked quickly to the door and opened it, but had to take one last look at him. "I only wanted to know if you were really okay, but I can see you're not. I hope you find it within yourself to heal from everything you've been through."
He looked at her with red eyes, as if he, too, were holding back tears of frustration and anger. His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed before he began to speak, "Alright. Have a good day." He turned back around and sat still.
With that, she left. That wasn't him, she thought. That wasn't the Malfoy she'd grown to like. He had a wall up to protect him and his feelings. Hermione was determined to break it down.