CHAPTER XIII

…

The reason why I was in such an ill mood the other day had more to do with the matters of the heart than with the matters of business. There were people like Miyako-sama, who stood above such pettiness that is emotion, and treated everything with practicality and deliberacy. People like her make life look simple and straightforward. Love is a mutual cooperation. Marriage is an alliance. Romantic rivalries are but childish disputes easily settled with a decisive blow. How nice it would be to be able to operate on such a level of thinking. But unfortunately, only those weathered and made jaded enough by life and time could understand those wisdom.

No, I could only listen and try to understand from people who have been through the moment. For Miyako-sama, the intermarriage between the Yukinoshitas, Hayamas and Horikitas were more of a business matter than one of a genuine affair. I'd soon learned the obvious. Marriage between the upper-class families of society was only logical. The Yukinoshitas marry their eldest daughter off to the Hayamas and secure a solid alliance with a family just as entrenched in the political and business world. The parents of Hayama Hayato were both lawyers and financial advisors to the Yukinoshitas after all. They were strong allies in business. Coupled with Mr. Yukinoshita's desire to climb higher in politics, a marriage between the two families was ideal.

The only family that could rival even the two of them combined was the Miuras. Back in the day, the Miuras held political clout nearly equivalent to the Fujiwara family, and financial weight capable of tipping the balance in the national economy. But that was also due to the Miura's capability in making connections. They made friends where they could, valued their familial ties greatly and the cunning matriarch, Miura Miyako picked her enemies with the panache of a military genius. They could've been unstoppable.

But Miyako-sama was far past her prime. She was still sharp no doubt, but it was time to pass the mantle of responsibility to her heir. And where was this anticipated heir? With an internal feud ongoing, a schism between the sons and daughters of Miura Miyako and a rival on the horizon, their future seemed bleak. Then there was Miura Yumiko, the prodigal granddaughter who'd just resurfaced before the family. Given her appearance at such a dire time, she immediately became a potential successor to her grandmother. That was why Yumiko's father was quite concerned, perhaps not wanting his daughter to become what all of them became: pawns.

In this world, you're either a pawn on the board, or the chess player.

And Miyako-sama was a grandmaster in this game, someone who'd fought in a hundred battles and thus learned the counterattack to a hundred defeats. What is one more pawn for her to sacrifice? Saito-san knew well that his mother could manipulate his daughter and use her for her schemes without batting an eye. That was what I marveled at. The ability to react with practicality and deliberacy, silencing emotions and answering only with logic. It gradually dawned on me that in making decisions, one must never allow emotions to guide the course of action.

Finally, to address the elephant in the room: there was the marriage between Yukino Yukinoshita and Manabu Horikita. And my concerns on this matter were predominantly emotional. That day, I was yet again invited to a reception mingling business with socialization. But even if it disgusts me, I choose to appear just to see if I could catch her and have a word with her.

No, I was not pleased in the slightest. Call it jealousy or selfishness, call it what you will. But after almost two years without contact, with me hanging by a thread, Yukino showing up again the way she did was a shock. An insult even. I loathed the way that man gets to touch her and kiss her. It was detestable. Here was this new guy who she'd probably met by a chance meeting in some bar in the middle of nowhere, who was probably some rich prick looking for another broad of the same calibre, who's most likely to turn out as an ungrateful son of a-

What am I saying? I must've lost my mind!

No, I resented this Manabu Horikita. But if I were to take a begrudging closer look at his character, he was not just some washed-up college graduate. This was the son of a respectable family, with a respectable background, and a deserving position gained justly through hard work and perseverance. Horikita-san was a Stanford graduate, and now inherited his father's position as the editor of the Yomiuri Shimbun newspaper.

Yukino, being a Stanford student as well, must've crossed paths with him in the same place. Horikita-san, at twenty-three, was young but promising. Yukino marrying into the Horikita family would mean an ally for the Yukinoshitas that were capable of bringing public media and newspaper support to them. And when politics is involved, publicity is everything.

In short, by hindsight it shouldn't even be a surprise.

Unexpectedly, I noticed that I was leaning towards the side of the Miuras in this whole episode. But to be fair, Miyako-sama and I did hold a common interest: These intermarriages and alliances between the other families were not in our favour. To Miyako-sama, this meant that the Miuras could finally be challenged and their status quo usurped. They could be rejected from their own social circle. They were a fast declining influence. And on the other hand, the interests of the Chiba Outfit are also threatened as our control over the few unions we have gradually slipped. This is to become my next objective.

All that aside, the moment when I could have Yukino to myself if only for a minute came, and I mustered the courage to take it. There she is again, wrapped in an elegant blue dress and her hair pinned up in a fine roll. She'd slipped away from the crowds and out into the patio, where there were scarcely any guests strolling about. I excused myself from the small circle of union delegates that had formed around me and quietly trailed her.

It wasn't often that we get to be completely honest with each other. I don't think anyone can really be honest with themselves towards other people. You can expect to be harshly judged if you do so. Yukino had in fact noticed my presence earlier on, and perhaps was unnerved by it. Maybe she read the look in my eyes, which insisted on a confrontation. An opening of hearts. All I wanted at the moment was a conclusion.

She sensed someone walk up behind her. My shoes ground against the gravel path, announcing my entry. A cool breeze sifted by us and ruffled her shawl, which she concealed her arms with. I appeared beside her quietly.

"Finally, we are alone to discuss. You and I have a lot to talk about, words that need to be said. Don't you think so, Yukino?"

She did not immediately answer, instead remaining quiet and not glancing at me.

I smirked at her. "What is it, are you too shy to say anything?" I put my hands in my pocket. She still wore that mask of indifference towards me. "Don't be afraid, Yukino. I don't bite," I teased.

Yukino gazed at me apathetically. "Don't call me that."

"I missed you. And that's the truth. Did you really forget about me?"

"No," she said softly. "I didn't."

"You won't talk to me. Why is that?"

"It's complicated."

I shrugged, looking up at the dark sky. "I saw that much."

"Hikigaya-kun, it's not that I didn't want to keep in touch with you. I did. I had the time. But I was just scared - hesitant and unsure on how we'd pick up from where we left off."

"That's not a problem. We could've worked things out."

In a sudden display of emotion, her cheeks flushed up a bit and she gave a bow which was more of a nod. "I apologize," she said ashamedly. "It was my fault for being too weak-willed." She tried to explain her reasons for being so distant, but I didn't care. I'd already forgiven her. I simply watched her with understanding eyes. She continued. "It's hard, being apart from someone we love. We become so enamoured with the present, that we forget to look back. I do not know which is easier: to say goodbye, or to keep on hoping. I was afraid you would move on before I could, and maybe that's why I hesitated."

I chuckled softly, hiding my nominal disappointment. "That's a losing mindset, Yukino, choosing which choice is easier. Why don't you pick what you really want?"

She continued. "But knowing you, Hikigaya-kun, you'd accept it for what it is and most likely revert back into your shell, as if nothing happened. You're a pessimist, you don't buy into hope, right? And that's something you know how to do. Erase and reset your relationships." She smiled coyly, tilting her head. "Besides, I'd hate to find out you've already found yourself another girl. My pride simply won't allow it." We both shared a naive laugh together.

I recalled a story she once mentioned to me; Great Expectations does not end with a conventional happy ending. It's a tale of how people overcome differences, but also how it separates them. In a way, I guess I was the lowly commoner boy who'd fallen head over heels for a lady. A lady who is unfortunately bound by social dogmas and raised in a manner that turned her heart into ice. And she was going to break my heart, but it couldn't be helped. It's in her nature. But only now did I realize that I did not resent her at all. You could say, I'm attracted to heartbreakers.

I pulled something out from the breast pocket of my coat. It was the one Yukino handed to me as a gift. It was a pocketbook. It had a beige leather covering and a thin bookmark ribbon folded in it. A black felt cutout of a feline was stitched meticulously on the cover. Yukino always liked anything associated with cats. The pocketbook was the one I also used to jot down notes and keep track of my routine, and I always carried it with me since then.

I spread open the pocketbook and revealed the first page. A small photograph almost slipped out. I picked it up and showed it to her. It was our first photo together as a couple. We were starting our third year of high school then. There she is, her hair tied in twintails, and holding a cup of bubble tea in one hand. And there was I, with a stupid smile on my face like any normal teenager. Everybody thinks it's all flowers and sweet moments.

Little did we know that the final year of highschool was what's going to make or break our relationship.

Yukino was flattered. "You kept it?"

"But of course," I said. "I wouldn't want to forget."

"This was back in our second year high school," she said, leaning in closer. Our fingers touched slightly as she looked at the photo closer. My hand was cold, and I wanted to hold hers. But I couldn't do that now, could I? Instead, I kept to myself.

"You looked cute in here. You still do," I said, glancing at her.

Her blue eyes darted away, but her cheeks betrayed her flustered composition. She promptly returned the photo into my hand. "I… I left mine back in California," she mumbled. "For a long time, I didn't see it. I guess it ashamed me to look at it. I didn't want to remember."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "And then you accuse me of being heartless?!" I exclaimed.

"It's not like that! I was ashamed and hated myself for the way I acted the day I had to leave."

"Then let us put the past behind. I want to make up with you."

Yukino gave a sad smile. "Hikigaya-kun, I'm getting married."

"I know." I smiled back at her, regretfully. "You love him, don't you?"

She nodded. It may have been the sincerity of her gesture, or the lack of motives that I could detect, or simply the fact that she couldn't possibly lie now to me. Regardless, I realized that she may have fallen in love with someone else.

It brought a smile to my lips.

"He's a lucky guy. He doesn't know how good he's got it." I grinned, letting out a content sigh. "I'm not asking you to elope with me, Yukino," I mused, earning a bashful remark from her. She rolled her eyes. "All I ask is that you give me a chance to make it up to you. I regretted what I did that day, everyday after that. Maybe that's why time brought us back together again."

Yukino blushed. "Don't tell me you believe in fate?"

I shrugged. "I believe what I see. And here you are, with me."

"Always the poet," she quipped good-naturedly. We both faced each other, now acquainted for the first time in a long while. "Okay," she said.

I looked forward to crossing paths with Yukino again. One of these days, I'm certain we'll meet again. It would be a welcome and much appreciated happy accident. But for now, I watched her walk away once again with her fiance, relieved.

I could not help but reminisce of the past and what fell through between us. It was almost three years ago. In fact I could not remember how long it's been, if not for the certain reminder that we were 18 year olds then.

Most people like to think that when someone's in love, they look at life through rose-tinted glasses. They transform into a soft teddy bear, always so loveable and agreeable. Even a seasoned loner and cynic like me could change, so they say. All that's needed is for someone to reach out and touch their hearts, and bring out the good in them.

I know you people like to entertain some sort of happily-ever-after fantasy. I don't mean to be cruel or condescending, but allow me to pop that fucking bubble and send you hurtling back to reality. You see, just because a person went through an emotional roller-coaster with someone from the same high school doesn't mean they're meant to be. Living in the same city isn't automatically an indication of chemistry. How many high school sweethearts can you enumerate that made it into the cruising altitude of relationships?

And the reason why every novella, movie or story ends right when the guy kisses the girl and walks off together into the sunset is because what follows is fifty years of suffering that's worthy of a Guillermo del Toro horror flick. First, you'll be forced to raise a handful of goblin miniatures that half-looks like you, and half-looks like somebody you used to love but now want to slap the shit out of. And when these suckers grow up, they won't even bother to pay you back. You spend four years trying to teach them how to walk and talk, and eighteen years telling them to sit down and shut up.

And the most cruel joke nature could've ever played is that you're hardwired to show empathy towards them, even if they're literal human waste. Unless you're a psychopath, in which case, it kind of balances it all out.

And while all this is happening, your significant other could be out fucking the next door neighbor. Then she jumps the gun on you and slaps the divorce papers in your face. You lose your kids, and you still have to pay for the house she's living in.

But of course it's all worth it.

No, I'm not being sarcastic here. I really think that betrayal is an inherent part of love. It's what gives trust such a powerful appeal. It makes it human. It doesn't depend on how much you love someone. It depends on the magnitude of the dilemma in front of you.

And so I reminisced. We weren't a match made in heaven. In some ways, we were completely different individuals, diametrically opposed to each other. We fought. We argued a lot. But we always made up afterwards. It was a sign that we were being honest to each other, even if it means not being on the same page. But towards the end of our third year, something changed. It seemed as if Yukino was now more agreeable, and did not oppose my thoughts as often. As if she was simply being polite and not being very honest at all.

That day, she'd come to me seemingly distressed and bothered by something.

"What's the matter, Yukino?" I asked her.

She said, "Hachiman, there's something I've got to tell you."

"Go on. What is it?"

"Do you promise not to get mad at me?"

"Okay, I'll try," I chuckled. "What's this, something between the lines of illicit affair and- "

"I'm serious." She breathed, and glanced up at me with anxious eyes. "I have to- my family has to leave the country. We're going abroad to America. They want me to come with them."

"Oh," I mumbled, still processing what I'd just heard. "Since when did your family plan this?"

She said, "I only learned about it a week ago."

"Why tell me now?"

"I had to think about it. I-I didn't know what to do. It came as a shock to me- "

"I suppose you have your decision now?" I asked in anticipation.

"That's why I came to tell you. I want to know what you think of it. My mother is pressuring me to go to college at Stanford University. It's a big opportunity. We're moving into a permanent residence in San Francisco. But I have doubts, I am not sure if I could leave everything - You, behind."

"Yukino, it doesn't matter what I think. This is about you. Whichever choice you make is the correct choice," I smiled affectionately at her. "Besides, it's obvious you've already decided."

"No, I haven't- "

"There is nothing to be done, Yukino. You will leave, and I do not want to be holding you back."

"Please. Just tell me that you want me to stay."

"No. I want you to do what you want to do." She looked shocked at my answer, almost as if she didn't understand. "It is time that you start deciding for yourself, Yukino. Stop mimicking the aspirations of others," I smiled sadly. "Even mine."

"Don't you want me to stay?"

"I want you to do what you want."

She said, "I don't want to leave you. I don't want this to end."

"Ah."

My lips parted as I let out a breath. Realization dawned on me, and for a moment I was shocked, but I did not show it. The disappointment. I let out a dry chuckle.

"You think this will end."

"No, that's not- "

"You think that we cannot remain in love with each other while being a thousand miles apart."

"We both know how difficult it is."

"You are the one who lost the passion first." I shook my head profusely. "Ah, there it is. It's that you are tired with this thing of ours anymore."

"That's not it!"

"You have grown weary of this, and doubt has settled in. That's it, isn't it? It has become apparent to you that this relationship has an ending." I looked away and muttered to myself. "I wish I'd thought of that sooner."

"I still love you."

"Yukino. There's no need to drag it out even further. I've already accepted it. Maybe this thing of ours isn't meant to last. Even the brightest colors fade away. What's left is just to cherish the memories."

She said, "Hachiman, I'm not the one who accepted that we're breaking up. You did."

"Don't do that to me," I said coldly. "Don't give me that, Yukino. You're the one who assumed that we can't make things work apart."

"Besides, you've long anticipated this, haven't you? Because deep inside, you think that nothing lasts forever."

That was when I lost it. Because she'd hit so close at home, for a moment I actually was in denial. Refusing to accept the truth. And that wasn't at all like me.

This was when ego trumped my logical side in a rare instance of impulsiveness. Call it pride, call it childishness. How I had provoked such a simple and reasonable discussion into a full blown, emotionally-driven argument was beyond me. It wasn't like me. All I really wanted was for Yukino to be happy. I wanted her to pursue her own ambitions. But I wasn't ready to let her go for that. I'm a selfish man, and that's the truth. A hypocrite who'll break his code the moment desire overrides reason.

"All I wanted was for you to be happy, and for you to do what you want!" I lashed out at her. "If we have to break up, okay. So be it. But let's stop the blame game, Yukinoshita-san. Don't act like you're any different than me and make me think you didn't fear the same things. Asking me what I think was a pathetic pretext for an excuse to keep this silly charade going, because it's not that you don't know what you want - It's because you simply don't have the resolve to make your own fucking decision. You don't have the integrity to make a mistake and accept it. So that at the end, you can point your finger at me and say, 'I only stayed because you wanted me to.'"

And so I allowed my emotions to get the better of me.

"Is that right?" I pressed harshly. "Is that right?!"

She suddenly got up and made her way out. Regret immediately came bounding back in, and I knew I'd gone too far. This isn't what I meant to do. All I fucking wanted was to try and live this tragic love story between us. Can't a guy get a break? Why did I have to fall in love with her? We had our ups and downs, and we went through hard times together. But perhaps grudges and prejudices pile up like an avalanche. A giant rock that's set to crush you, like in Indiana Jones. It's called reality. And there are no happy endings.

I tried to change myself, but it's not enough. I broke my own rules, yet I still lost. It doesn't matter if you're a good guy. Doesn't matter if you're a pessimist. The world is still a cruel place.

I went after her and chased her down the city streets. We didn't talk. She didn't cry. I walked her home. Finally, the parting words were said. I saw her off, making the pains to drive by myself up to the airport just to see her one last time and try to set things right, before I finished something I'll regret for the rest of my life.

"I loved you."

Finally. It was her who said those three, fickle words.

I smiled, knowing this was the tragic conclusion, but a conclusion nevertheless. "And so the truth. A truth which breaks my heart. It is that you don't love me anymore."

"I did…"

She kept up a cold and proud demeanor in front of me, but beneath that she was also breaking. I guess we both began to share a wretched characteristic of pride and faux infallibility. Both reluctant to show weakness. I shrugged, once again putting on a shell to conceal my wounds. I really didn't know if I was smiling back then, or otherwise. I would make one of the worst lies I could tell myself at that moment. Because it was easier than saying goodbye.

"Not enough. But that's okay."