Panic attacks were a frequent symptom of PTSD once Ino told her.
It hasn't been an off-comment her friend had gave her around a conversation. It had been a silent confession. About herself. About a lot of those like her that was traumatized by the war. It was a confession about what the Rookie 9 was going through. The silent dark effect that a bunch of seventeen years old were having.
Behind those words was also anger. She was so angry all the time, she often lashed out at the smallest inconvenience. Hinata could remember her world filled with rage, injustice, and helplessness. She was so angry at the Hokage, Madara, those nameless people that had them fight battle after battle, treating injuries after injures, seeing people die under their fingers. She was mad at the world they were living in and the people were asking her justification for this rage.
« Because I am having panic attacks at the hospital while treating patients and I can't catch a fucking break. Because I am a seventeen years old war veteran who just lost my dad and friends. Because even though we are at peace, I don't feel any reason to be joyous right now. I feel like I am dying every day a little bit more. I see people dying and suffering. I know, I am a Ninja and we endured but hell, I am human too. » She was crying pouring out every bit of frustration voicing something Hinata just pushed back in the back of her mind.
Yes, they were Ninja. Yes, they endured. But sometimes the sacrifices of their youth and innocence was just too much for them to handle all at once. They knew they weren't the first or the only one but it didn't diminish the pain they felt. It was disturbing remembering they were barely adults and already were traumatized by such major life events. Hinata herself wasn't even seventeen. Unconsciously she had touched the scar under her left breast, an unwanted sensation resurgent from a place she had once again pushed back in the back of her mind.
Now wasn't the right time to deal with that. Now her friend Ino needed her help grieving and moving on. She couldn't crumble at the same time, one of them had to be upright and ready to listen or they would just collapse together in a crying mess.
However, maybe it would have been okay to cry. To crumble like everyone else two weeks after the end of the war. To not push through the trauma and keeping it bottle up and burry in the back of her consciousness with every little things she didn't have the time to deal with it. Maybe it would have been for the best if she had taken a minute for herself and not losing it two years later as her clan was collapsing on himself.
If until there she only had headaches and stress-induced nausea, a new symptom caused by her overhaul exhaustion had this very morning startle her awake. Those dreaded violent panic attacks had shaken her and her poor heart leaving her paralyzed on the floor. She felt like dying once again, agonizing on her bedroom rug crying silent tears.
Hanabi had found her much to her dismay as the young girl just screamed for someone to help her sister. Heavy breathing, her head was spinning, her whole body shivering. It was everything she had envisioned and worst. She knew she was at the end of her rope.
A cold hand reached out for her neck and a pulse of a soothing chakra ran through her veins. Her breathing slowed down as her frantic eyes looked all around her to see what was happening. Hiashi was looking at her with worry, his hand glowing a soothing green chakra at the base of her neck. Hanabi next to him was looking at her tears in her eyes asking thousand of questions. Behind them, a myriad of clansmen was looking at her and inspecting the room looking for any sign of aggression.
The distraught questioning of her sisters was pounding in her head. So many people seeing her in this state of helplessness. That was just embarrassing. She wanted all of them to disappear to leave her alone. For them to stop looking at her. Forever.
Time morphed in a blur after that. When any pieces of evidence of a direct attack were pushed out, she had isolated herself far from her home, running away from her chores. She avoided every pair of Byakugan eyes, every cold touch, every question, every voice like the plague. She wanted to be alone. To reflect. To cry. Her mind was in a space she felt very treacherous for her safety. Conscious to a default that her sanity was little by little thinning, stretching into an impossible tight stretch ready to snap.
She didn't even saw Shino when she attacked him. Her body reacted by itself but the regret and the guilt were almost immediate. She ran away once again. Fleeting the scene. She couldn't support the hurt in their eyes and the questioning stares. And the crowd. No, she had to go.
Her body just stopped tumbling out of time. Curling on herself, she let herself took a break for what felt like the first time in an eternity. Air-filled her lungs. Her mind emptied. She was exhausted.
She was so damn exhausted. Everything was a mess. She was a mess. Her clan was chaos and confusion. Her plan was in motion but it was a very dangerous plan and she wasn't sure she had the shoulder to go through all the motions all by herself. She was under so much pressure. Every day, she felt on the edge. It was like watching everything collapsed in slow motion with tide arms behind her backs. She felt powerless.
She had against her, older men and women who had spent their entire life completing and calculating the world around them to have everything they ever wanted. She was fighting against something so corrupt and evil. It looked on the paper crazy and impossible. And at the same time, she was having a mental breakdown? It was a nightmare.
A cold snoot touched her hand. Opening her eyes, a small dog looked right at her with a surprised face. She saw him before on the battlefield often near Kakashi or someone from team Seven. Which meant one of them wasn't that far. She looked around for a familiar signature but picked up nothing.
« Kakashi asked for you. » He talked. He assessed her with a critical stare before adding with more compassion. « But we can stay here for a few more minutes. »
She nodded gratefully. She watched as the small pug sat next to her looking bravely at their surrounding. She looked at him for a few minutes before he put his small paw on her right hand. « You can pet me for four minutes. » He finally conceded jumping on her laps. A small 'thank you' breathed out of her lips as she engulfed him in her arm, burying her tired head in his fur. The slow beating of the small heart in the dog's chest was comforting in the way only an animal companion could be. She ran her finger through his fur tracing an unknown pattern, pressing her digit at a different rhythm.
This felt…nice.
Passed the four minutes time frame, without a word, she stood up the dog still in her arm, and diligently went back to her duty.
Her world came crashing back to reality faster than she had anticipated as she entered the Hokage office. Blue eyes plunged deep into hers as she felt her whole body shivers, the cold grip on her heart painfully narrowing around her vital organ. Hinata unconsciously tightens the hold she had on the Ninken as she felt her breath hitched in her throat her mind running at high speed about what was happening.
What was the meaning of this?
Now in the office and with a Naruto in full-field attire, she almost wished Kakashi had called her out for punishing her for attacking her teammate in the middle of the Main Street, not that she was sure he was already aware of that mishaps. She barely registered her superior calling her name as her eyes finally left the blond one. Pakkun jumped out of her arm to stroll down toward his master that was now frowning at the dog.
"You getting too comfortable with my Kunoichi" The grey man scolded the dog that day on his desk. "Hinata, he is not a puppy that you carry around." Almost immediately the young woman bowed looking alarmed.
"I am sorry Hokage-sama, I overstep my boundaries." She apologized lowly. The man shook his head glaring at the dog.
"No worries. It is Pakkun's fault. He knows better than that." The dog rolled his eyes before poofing out of existence.
Stepping in fully in the office, she eyed Shikamaru that was looking at her intently. Her brain almost instantly shut down any personal struggle, rewiring itself on Shinobi mode. Standing next to Naruto, she looked at her Hokage giving him her undivided attention. He assessed her for a few seconds, eyeing her very appearance before making a sign to Shikamaru.
"The Damiyo requires you at the Capital. " He finally spoke. Both Shinobies left an eyebrow looking surprised.
"Me ?" Eloquently voiced the blond ninja pointing at himself. Shikamaru let an irked groan escape himself before throwing at them a scroll that she easily caught.
"No. He asked for Miss Hyuga." He specified looking at her. A shiver ran through her spine.
"Did he personally requested to see me ?" Her voice went colder than Naruto ever remember hearing her. He looked at the scroll in her hand and then at her face. She looked like an Hyuga and not in the right way.
"He asked for a Konoha delegate. I choose you. » Tension filled the room, chilling the atmosphere. Hinata's neutral face went rigid.
" Hokage-sama, I thought we agreed on a leave." Her voice could cut some throat with the stillness in it.
"This particular mission doesn't go against that leave." He countered looking as unbothered as he used to. However, the tremor in his left pupil wasn't fooling the grey-eyed woman. He was also on edge, observing her reaction. He knew about her mental state.
" Naruto, you'll be her bodyguard." Shikamaru intervened stepping in. He didn't like the battle of stares his friend and his bosses were participating in. The blond ninja looked around skeptical. The tension in the room was too much. Never he thought he would witness the petite Hyuga personality make a 180 and confront head on his former sensei. What was putting them under so much tension for just a trip to the Capital?
"Why did you choose us ?" The Heiress didn't beat around the bush any more. The underlined question still ringing clear and loud.
"As insightful as ever Hinata. I need you to negotiate an agreement with the Economist of the Damiyo. The help that had been promised to us for the war effort had just been cut by half, I want you to found out why and to renegotiate the agreement." He explained further. "You are the diplomate and Naruto will be your golden boy. He is still very appreciated in the Capital and I am sure this will be an excellent training as a Hokage-to-be."
A trip to the Capital and negotiation time. That meant two to three weeks depending on how difficult the Economist was going to be. All that time far from her clan. She could still say no. That mission, requesting her at that peculiar time. It was too much to be a coincidence. It wasn't a part of the plan they had agreed upon. Well to be exact none of the two men were particularly fond of her solution but still, they had agreed to let her do it with little interference in it. But that mission. Sending her away for an extended period. That was a Shikamaru move. Was he trying to outsmart her?
"Naruto, wait outside for a minute. I need to talk about some details with Hinata." Kakashi finally spoke seeing her deep thinking. The blond ninja once again looked around the room ready to protest but upon witnessing the wariness of his comrade he decided against it. He felt the young woman had actually a lot to talk about and it wasn't his place to protest. Well at least now. He could still try to get her to speak to him later. Much to his surprised, Shikamaru followed him closely exciting the office.
As soon as the heavy door closed, Hinata let down her mask openly showing her distress.
« Hokage-sama, are you trying to evict me ?" She pondered looking alarmed. Kakashi shook his head lifting his hand in surrender.
« Hinata breath. This is nothing of sort." He tried to reassure her.
" Then what it is? Why do you need ME to go and with Naruto out of all people available!" Her breath came short again. Multiple scenarios of what could be happening next ran at high speed right in front of her eyes.
" I choose you because you are competent. I need a noblewoman to go negotiate for Konoha. Not a simple shinobi, not an expert in economics but you. If anything came out good out of your education is your faculty to navigate throughout those high spheres as one of them but a ninja as well. You fought in the war, you lived through the destruction and the rebuilding of the village. Who could be better for them to understand we need that money? You are the best choice to represent our people." Kakashi finished his heartfelt speech by taking her hand in his squeezing it to give her courage.
She looked down at their joined member. It was beautifully put and in many other circumstances she would have said yes without any objections, however :
"Kakashi-sama. As much as those words meant a lot to me, I don't think I am qualified right now to be a good negotiator. I don't think I have the mental capacity right now to be the best to represent Konoha." She admitted truthfully. She couldn't go. She physically couldn't see herself leaving the estate for more than a few hours.
" Your father requested for you to take the job." Finally, Kakashi confessed. "He is worried that your prolonged stay at the compound is affecting you negatively."
" He talked to you about my panic attack?" She concluded retracting her hand from him. Shame crawled up her arms. Her superior nodded.
" He asked me to make you an official diplomate. I told him I would discuss it with you." She couldn't keep the tears at bay. It was humiliating. Her father once again didn't see her as strong enough. She knew she wasn't. She felt very weak but to know after all this time he still didn't trust her enough to deal with the Elders together. That was a hard hit to digest.
"I refuse to run away." She whispered angrily drying her tears with a stiff finger. She felt so embarrassed.
"You don't. This isn't a getaway but a call from your village to do your duty as a noblewoman of Konoha. This is a clan head's job." He pointed the scroll in her hand. She shakily opened it reading carefully the information about the people she was supposed to meet and the different data that was going to be useful to tip the scale their way. She carefully memorized every piece of information, already planning the research she needed to do to complete her view.
She looked exhausted. Something inside of her was dying and Kakashi secretly hoped that some alone time with the blond ninja could save it from completely vanishing.
Yes, he hated her plan. It was so stupidly dangerous, he had a hard time still understanding how Shikamaru and himself couldn't found a way to counter it but even with all the data and countless night thinking about it, he couldn't propose to her a solution that didn't imply major death or other endangering of the integrity of the village. Her solution was the only one that minimizes the risks. But she was perishing due to a hit. Every day a little bit of her was dying and it was so…unnatural. The older man knew about it. He saw it in himself at a certain time but he was lucky enough to have people to put him out of his misery. He didn't doubt Hinata had people too but her tendency to push everything imaginable before herself made it difficult for others to reach out. Hell! If anything hearing about those panic attacks only reinforced his concern about her mental health. It was sneaky but he felt that at this point only Naruto could bring her out of this despair.
"I'll do it." She finally gave up retuning her tired gaze on the older man. He nodded. " However this is going to be my last mission." She added. Kakashi didn't conceal his surprise. What was that?
"I... Let's face it, I am not returning to the field even after all of this is done. The Elders, whatever the outcome of what we are doing are not going to let me live my life as a kunoichi anymore. I met who will probably be my future husband last week. And none of the men I met will want me to continue to risk my life on missions"
" You didn't mention that." The masked man groaned not liking to be taken by surprise by such news.
" I am sorry." She apologized bowing. "But to appeased the tension, the consul decided to have my sister or I married off to a member of the Branch. I already accepted. If I come to be chosen as Head, a Branch member, even branded at my side could show a unified front to the rest of the clan. This doesn't change my plan in any case. However, if I come to be married to any of the men I met, my carrier as a kunoichi will have to come to term."
" And you said yes to those conditions?"
" I assured a truth for any outcome. Even if Hanabi has the title, my children will have a chance to be the leader of the clan as long as she found love outside of the compound. The prospect to have a Branch member one day at the lead already improved greatly the relation between the two sides. »
Yes, the outcome was undisputedly great but the sacrifice was definitely too much for the Hokage. How could she be so okay giving out this much? He sighed putting his head in his hand. Damn those Hyuga.
" What about your team ?" He mumbled in his beard. The visible flinch of her body told him it more than he needed.
" I… I attacked Shino. It was a mistake, I was having a…"
" Don't bother. As long as he doesn't come by himself to report an incident nothing happened." He stopped her. He didn't want to hear it. Unless she killed the boy or severely injured him: he didn't want to hear it. That would be one too many bad news for the day. " Go on your mission and we'll talk about your situation when you'll come back. If by that time you are sure about your retirement then I'll give it to you but until then, don't close yourself to any possibility." He made a move to call Shikamaru and Naruto.
The door instantly opened letting the two men entered. She didn't need to turn to feel two blue eyes drilling holes in the back of her head. His warmth was next. He stood close to her, his arm unapologetically brushing hers sending heatwave in her way.
" So when are we leaving ?" He asked not even turning toward his former sensei. His eyes were not leaving the petite woman next to him, his gaze full of questions.
" Tomorrow morning." Kakashi responded looking at the interaction. Both ninjas nodded before being dismissed.
The remaining duo watched the couple leaving the office in a heavy silence both praying their little mingling was going to pay off.
" I don't know how to feel about this." Finally confessed Shikamaru.
" Let's be hopeful. Naruto has his way to make someone come around." Kakashi reasoned.
Yes. If anyone could change the mind of Hinata, it was Konoha number one knucklehead: Uzumaki Naruto.