Good afternoon, friends!

Before we get into the chapter, I've got an announcement I think you'll like. Summer break just started for me, so I've got a lot of free time on my hands now. I plan on setting up a TEMPORARY update schedule for this fic so I can get new chapters out to you guys on a regular, consistent basis. I'll let you guys know in the next chapter what that schedule will be since I haven't completely worked that out yet.

I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Killua's oldest memory was perhaps the most bittersweet one. He'd done his best to force himself to forget it, but... it was still there.

He remembered the sky being so blue and vast that he could swear it went on forever. The air was pleasantly cool against his skin, not unbearably so, but he still pulled his jacket closer around his tiny body to keep the autumn breeze out. Although his memory was growing faded and dull since many years had passed, he distinctly remembered being carried by someone like a typical toddler would be. He remembered resting his head against a pleasantly warm shoulder, thin and bony though that shoulder was.

"Aniki? What are those things up there?" young KIllua asked, pointing up at the fluffy white cumulus clouds drifting lazily across the vast expanse of blue. "They look like wads of cotton."

"Those are clouds, Kil." Illumi replied, patting Killua's head with one hand and supporting his weight with the other.

KIllua was absolutely awestruck by this. His tiny jaw dropped open. "I've never seen clouds before. Mother doesn't let me go outside since she says it's too dangerous."

The young boy wouldn't realize until much, much later that what he was describing at such a young age was actually child abuse. His older brother shouldn't have to literally smuggle the two of them outside just so Killua could see a cloud for the first time. It was so messed up... but Killua didn't think of it that way. In this memory, he was happy. Regardless of how hard he tried to convince himself that he hated living like that, he was actually quite content. Why? Because he had his sweet, gentle Aniki to look after him, play with him, and keep him company.

Killua paused for a moment, tapping the end of his pen against his chin and thinking. It was really hard, writing down a detailed summary of his life. Gon had suggested it a little while ago but Killua didn't bother trying it until after he helped Hisoka and Chrollo track down Illumi.

How on earth did novelists do this? It was so complex and required way too much thinking for the young Zoldyck's taste. But at the same time, he did find it a strangely liberating hobby, as if a huge emotional burden had been lifted from his shoulders. Strangely enough, writing down what he remembered as though it were a fictional novel of sorts was a lot easier than journaling it. Journaling was too personal, too intimately tied with painful memories. But this third-person manner of describing things... this was safe and comfortable.

Killua hesitated before touching his pen to the paper and beginning to write again.

The young boy grasped at his older brother's sleeve with tiny fists. "Why do we have to sneak just to get outside?"

"Because," Illumi began patiently. "our father would be angry with us if he found out. You won't tell him, will you? We're not supposed to be outside."

"I won't tell." Killua promised, tracing random patterns on his brother's shirt with the tip of his chubby finger. "Why's Father so angry with you all the time? Doesn't he have anything better to do other than yelling at you?"

Illumi sighed. "I don't think he likes that I spend so much time with you. It's... not proper for a Zoldyck."

The way his voice wavered made him sound sad. Unspeakably sad, as if he knew he was slowly losing bits and pieces of himself with every passing day. He must've known that it wouldn't be long now before he'd become a sociopathic monster, much like the people who put all their time and energy into making him that way. The eldest Zoldyck son had to be perfect, after all.

Killua froze, staring down at the paper as though he couldn't believe what he'd written. Suddenly frustrated, he slammed his pen down and stood up fast, eager to get away from the little notebook he'd been using to write everything down. No wonder he had thought this was a stupid idea. It was painful and revealed that he was beginning to think in a different way.

"How could I have been happy?" Killua didn't even realize he was speaking out loud until Gon stirred from the large double-bed nearby.

"What do you mean, Killua? What's wrong?" Gon asked, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. He yawned hugely before adding, "It's the journal, isn't it?"

"This is your fault, you know." Killua jabbed a finger at his best friend accusingly. "You said this would help me feel better, and that I should start with the very first thing I remember. So far, it's only caused me pain."

That wasn't entirely true. He'd never admit that he did feel lighter like he wasn't carrying around a lifetime's worth of dark secrets and buried trauma. Yes, it was frustrating. But it was only frustrating because he'd realized just how impressionable he was. Somehow his opinion of his older brother had begun to shift and he didn't want that. He'd rather live out the rest of his life and die hating Illumi.

Gon just shook his head and clicked his tongue, giving KIllua a knowing stare. "You're fine. It's not that bad. Just the fact you're getting mad at it tells me that it's working."

"Well, I don't think it's helping." Killua insisted stubbornly.

"That's because it's been a grand total of one day. It'll get easier. But for now, it's gonna make you mad. Or sad. Or pretty much any negative emotion you can think of. That's just because you're being forced to explore things you may not have wanted to think about before."

"Damn straight."

With a frustrated huff, Killua collapsed on the bed face-up with his arms splayed out as far as they could go, fingers twitching slightly. He traced out the blunt, lumpy patterns on the stucco ceiling with his eyes, unable to make himself stop thinking about the conflicting memories running through his head. On one hand, it was much easier to give in and believe that Illumi had always been evil despite it not being true. But on the other, Killua had the power of being the only person who knew what his older brother's real personality was like. That personality had since been buried beneath the impassive mask of an unfeeling monster that had been tortured far too much for a human being's mind to handle.

No one else knows what he's really like. Hisoka, Kalluto, and Alluka have probably seen small hints of his personality at some point, but never the real thing. I'm sure my parents know too but are too blinded by their twisted concept of perfection to acknowledge it. If anything, they'd probably try to tell the world that he was weaker and more pathetic that way.

Killua found this extremely difficult to wrap his head around. He was also very angry with himself because he now had the decision to leave his older brother behind like he'd wanted to do for the past few years. He had the luxury of choosing to put it all behind him once and for all because he knew deep down that Illumi would respect his wishes and leave him alone forever if asked to.

But... Killua didn't want to do that anymore.

"Why the hell not?" he didn't realize he was talking out loud again. He had a tendency to do that when he got really frustrated because his thoughts became so cacophonous in his head that he wound up voicing them unconsciously. "Why should I give my Aniki a second chance? He doesn't deserve that."

Gon shook his head again though this time it was more of a sad gesture than a disappointed one this time. "You wanna know something I find a little strange?"

"What's that?" Killua asked, his cheeks reddening with embarrassment as he realized he'd been thinking out loud again.

"No matter all the horrible things that were done in the past... you've never stopped calling your big brother Aniki, Killua."

The snowy-haired boy just looked like he wanted to either cry or punch a hole in the wall... perhaps both but in reverse order. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? It doesn't mean anything, right?"

Gon wrung his hands as though nervous, staring down at the blankets pooled in his lap and thinking for a moment before explaining. "Well, I've always heard that people who grow to hate someone they used to be close with always shed off all the cute nicknames they had for that person. It's just part of being bitter and spiteful towards someone. You don't want to refer to them by a term of endearment anymore, so you drop it altogether and instead stick with either their surname or their first name." he paused for a second, finally looking Killua dead in the face before asking, "So why didn't that happen between you and your brother? Why's he still Aniki to you, even after everything he did to you?"

Killua blanched, turning almost as pale as his hair. He opened his mouth to give a sharp remark in response but found that he couldn't. He didn't have an answer to Gon's question though he knew it was perhaps the most valid question he'd ever been asked. Strangely enough, he wanted to find the answer to it as much as his best friend did. Why he hadn't thought of it before was beyond him.

"I... I don't know, Gon." Killua said slowly, deciding honesty was the best way to go. "It doesn't make sense to me why I would ever even think about going back to that guy after the absolute shit he's put me through."

"It's been almost two weeks since we've last seen him, you know. We made a promise we would visit, right? Maybe it's time to make good on that promise. We won't find any answers to this problem here." Gon spread his arms wide to indicate the apartment, then used that as an excuse to pull Killua into a tight hug and kiss his cheek. "I think it's time we go see them again, don't you?"

"Hmm, I suppose so. Get off me, baka." Killua weakly pawed at Gon's head, then chuckled to himself. "You know, I do wonder how Aniki will react when we tell him we're dating. Apparently being gay runs in the Zoldyck family now."

Hisoka smirked as Illumi knocked yet another of the white chess pieces over and moved it off the checkered board.

"You're really quite good at this, Illu-chan."

"Still think it was wise to challenge me?" Illumi raised one eyebrow, dark eyes sparkling with amusement.

"No, not at all. I'm a damn fool." Hisoka chuckled, reaching across the coffee table to squeeze Illumi's hand. "Who taught you how to play chess, if you don't mind my asking? It's been a long time since anyone's even come close to beating me, and yet here you are."

"I mostly taught myself. My mother expected me to play chess with her every afternoon over tea, but she never taught me the rules or how to strategize. I was expected to pick up those skills myself... and I did. Eventually." Illumi replied, turning his hand palm-up so he could lace his fingers together with Hisoka's. "What about you? Who taught you?"

"You'll laugh, but... Chrollo did."

"That explains a lot."

"You're so mean, Illu-chan!" Hisoka chirped, plucking one of his remaining pawns off the board and moving it forward a space. He knew that wouldn't get him anywhere substantial, but it would at least keep him safe from Illumi for a turn or two. "I must admit, it's a little alarming that you're better at this than me. I've always considered myself stronger than you in every sense of the word."

"Of course you have." Illumi didn't seem surprised by the magician's statement. In fact, he showed no reaction at all. Typical Illumi. "You're certainly better at this than my mother was. And that's a compliment, it took me years to get good enough at chess to beat her."

"Kikyo has always struck me as the kind who would cheat." Hisoka's amber eyes narrowed slightly as Illumi moved his queen piece forward a space. It seemed the game would be over sooner than expected. "I didn't know she was capable of actually being reasonable and teaching her children a valuable skill. Playing chess is a great way to learn quick, strategic thinking."

Illumi gave Hisoka a weird look. "She's better than that. Your assumptions are biased in my favor."

"Perhaps they are, but can you blame me?" Hisoka moved his pawn again.

"Not at all. I believe I've won." Illumi knocked Hisoka's king piece over with his knight. "You need to pay more attention to your defensive strategies. They're sorely lacking in intelligence. Your offense is impeccable – perfect, even – but offense will only get you so far when you're playing against a Zoldyck."

Hisoka propped his chin upon his fist. "You're lucky I absolutely love listening to you talk. Under different circumstances, I would've made it clear what an absolute brat you are."

Illumi shrugged carelessly. He'd been called a brat before both by the magician and others, it didn't have any effect on him. "You're just being a sore loser. Constructive criticism can only help you."

"Ah, but you're so blunt that it hardly seems constructive at all." Hisoka grinned, standing up and gathering up the checkered board and the chess pieces so he could put them away. "I must admit your tone and general emotional expression are getting way better though. It's a little easier to read you now."

"Read me?" Illumi cocked his head to one side like a curious puppy, wrinkling his nose a little at the unfamiliar term.

"It's an expression used to describe when you can tell what someone's feeling based off their expression, tone, body language, et cetera..."

"Huh." the raven-haired Zoldyck frowned slightly. "I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't think I want to be... read."

Hisoka just laughed in response and patted the assassin's head with his free hand as he passed by. He wandered into the hallway and quickly located the closet where he usually kept the chess pieces, putting them on their proper shelf before closing the door and making his way back out into the living room, grinning from ear to ear.

"What do you want for lunch today, Illu-chan?" Hisoka asked.

Illumi opened his mouth to reply but immediately froze in place when a soft knock came from the other side of the front door. He didn't say a word, standing up and walking over to the door in long, graceful strides. He turned the brass doorknob slowly, some part of his brain reminding him how to open a door subtly and soundlessly. The door slid open just enough that he could peer out into the long, narrow corridor outside. You can probably imagine the surprised look on his face when his slanted black eyes landed on Gon and Killua.

"Aniki, we're back!" Killua announced as if that wasn't blatantly obvious already. "I hope this isn't a bad time."

Illumi remembered his manners and shook his head slightly. "No, not at all. You're more than welcome to come inside." he pulled the door open for the boys and stepped out of their way, allowing them room to pass by.

"My little fruits!" Hisoka exclaimed excitedly from somewhere in the kitchen. He'd been pouring himself a glass of wine, but paused and put the large bottle down when he saw the two boys come in the room. "My, my. I was beginning to think the two of you wouldn't come back."

"A promise is a promise, isn't it?" Gon chirped, making his way over to Saki and giving her a few pats on the head.

"Hey, creep." Killua waved a hand at Hisoka as he stepped into the living room.

"Hey, brat." Hisoka replied, without skipping a beat.

Illumi couldn't help but chuckle under his breath. He'd forgotten that Hisoka and Killua had very spiteful nicknames for one another that they took every opportunity to use.

"Why come back today of all days? Is there some sort of occasion, do you need something, or...?" Hisoka finished pouring out a glass of wine then went to retrieve another glass from the cabinet for Illumi. "Additionally, do the two of you want anything to drink?"

"Hisoka, they're fourteen!" Illumi snapped.

Hisoka shrugged carelessly. "Alright, alright."

Killua and Gon exchanged an amused look before the snowy-haired boy said, "No, there's no occasion. I do actually have a few questions though, specifically for you." he jabbed a finger at his older brother who immediately stiffened.

"What is it you want to know?" Illumi asked, feeling as though he already knew the answer to that question.

Kil probably wants to know what happened to me. Why did I mistreat him for so long? Why did I act like I didn't care about him when the opposite was true? And why did I allow our parents to turn me into a puppet rather than doing my damnedest to stay strong and hold on to my own personality for his sake?

But Illumi was given perhaps the greatest shock of his life when Killua innocently asked, "How long have you and Hisoka been together for?"

"How did you know about that?" was all Illumi could get out in response.

"It's kind of obvious, Aniki. Why else would you stick around and spend so much time with the creep unless you two have something else going on? Purely platonic business partners don't live together for months at a time, it's not professional." Killua explained, clearly amused by the confusion in his brother's face. "Oh, and Hisoka told me he's been hitting on you and you've been trying to reciprocate that same night we all had to go out looking for you."

"Did he now?" Illumi gave Hisoka a look that implied the redheaded magician was as good as dead. "That's inconvenient, I was hoping to tell you at a better time when it was more appropriate to do so."

"Oh, would you drop the formalities already? You don't need to talk to me like you do to your clients. We're brothers, baka."

"My apologies."

"See, you're already doing it again."

Hisoka quickly jumped in before this back-and-forth banter could go any further. "I think what Illumi means to say is that he's just a little surprised, that's all. I wouldn't have mentioned it either if not for the fact you asked for a valid reason why he'd just run away, Killua. But alas, you little fruits are too smart for your own good. We are in a committed relationship now, if that properly answers your question."

"I had no idea you two swung that way." Gon remarked, blinking a few times as if confused.

Killua elbowed his friend teasingly. "Nah, I can totally see that being the case with Hisoka. But Aniki? That was more than just a little surprising."

"I'm not gay, darling. I just... don't have a preference. Guys, girls, it really doesn't matter to me." Hisoka shrugged, leaning against the countertop and taking a sip of his wine. "As for your brother... hell, I don't know what's going on with him. He confuses me just as much as he confuses you."

"I'd appreciate it if you'd stop talking about me like I'm not standing ten feet away from you." Illumi suddenly cut in. "I'm more concerned about how Father and Mother will react to it than anything else. Their tradition is to arrange marriages for their children, so they'll be very upset when they find out I'm currently seeing someone they didn't pick out for me."

"They're probably homophobic too." Killua nodded his agreement, giving his older brother a sympathetic look. "What with how they treated Alluka, I imagine they'll be very angry when they find out being gay runs in the family."

"Runs in the family?" Illumi didn't get it but apparently Hisoka did because his whole face lit up.

"Oh, how cute!"

"What is it? What am I missing?" the ravenet asked, turning to face his partner with an adorably confused expression.

"I think what the brat's trying to tell us is that he's got a boyfriend of his own." Hisoka laughed.

"Gon and I have been together for six months, Aniki." Killua jumped in, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger to keep from facepalming. "Apparently we're good at being subtle. I would've thought you'd know by now."

"That's not fair, I have no idea how romance works." Illumi started wringing his hands like he usually did when he was either flustered or nervous. "Now that I think about it, that makes total sense. I must not be as observant as I originally thought."

Hisoka chuckled and ruffled Illumi's hair lovingly. "You're fine, dear. I didn't realize it either. We both missed it entirely."

That made Illumi feel slightly better about the whole ordeal. He cleared his throat before speaking again. "Ah, well, congratulations to the both of you."

"Aniki, you're doing it again." Killua interjected with a slight roll of his eyes. "We're nakama, not business partners."

"I don't usually have nakama. This is kind of new for me." Illumi shot back, beginning to get irritated.

All of a sudden, before anyone could say anything else, the sound of glass shattering in another room drew everyone's attention. Saki jumped up from where she'd flopped on the couch and started barking, but went quiet when Illumi signaled her to with one hand. A horrible aura filled the room, one that could only be possessed by someone with immensely powerful Nen.

"What was that?" Killua asked, brow knitting together in a frown. "There isn't anyone else living here besides the two of you and the dog, right?"

"Keep your voices down. I think our favorite uninvited guest is back." Hisoka said, a deck of cards suddenly appearing in his hand as if by magic. "Illu-dear, take the boys and get them out of here. I'll hold Silva off for the time being and catch up with you guys later."

"But I can't just leave you with-…" Illumi started to protest, but Hisoka immediately cut him off.

"Go, Illumi. Now's not the time to argue."

Swallowing thickly and taking a couple of steps backward, Illumi drew a set of three golden-headed needles from one of the hidden pockets sewn into his clothing, clutching them between his fingers. "Kil, Gon, come with me."

Killua would've had his doubts about following his older brother anywhere, but if there was even a slight chance his father was in the building, he knew he'd rather be a thousand miles away. Casting one last fearful glance at the dark hallway where he was sure the shattering noise had come from, he grabbed Gon's hand and followed Illumi out the door.

The three of them made their way down the numerous flights of stairs as quickly as possible, taking care not to make too much noise or slip and fall. Although Illumi's current task was to take the younger boys and get them out of Heaven's Arena, his primary concern lay with Hisoka. What sort of person would just leave their partner with perhaps the most dangerous, narcissistic person on the continent? How long would Hisoka last before Silva got the better of him?

I should be back there helping him... Illumi thought, feeling an icy-cold hand of fear closing around his heart. He can't take on my father on his own. No one can.

"What if he finds us, Aniki?" Killua suddenly asked, tugging lightly on Illumi's sleeve to get his attention.

The fear in the snowy-haired boy's voice immediately brought Illumi back to the present. He shook his head slightly before responding, "If he does, I'll handle it. Stay close to me."

My primary concern right now is protecting my brother... and Gon too, I suppose.

Even though it was a long way from Hisoka's floor to the ground level of Heaven's Arena, the dozens of flights of stairs seemed ten times longer than Illumi remembered them being. No matter how quickly he descended each and every one of them, he didn't feel like he was going fast enough. Any faster and he'd probably lose his footing and fall the rest of the way, but it certainly didn't feel like that was the case. He glanced over his shoulder from time to time to make sure the two boys were still keeping up. Gon and Killua were doing an excellent job staying right behind the assassin, but it was obvious they were both starting to get a little worn out. Seeing Killua blanched and stricken with fear made Illumi's heart ache. He wished there was more he could do to reassure them.

Maybe three-quarters of the way down to the ground level, a crash so loud it shook the building drew Illumi's attention. He stopped so abruptly that Killua walked into his back and Gon nearly tripped over the two of them.

"What was that?" Gon squeaked out.

Illumi didn't respond right away, turning to look up at the stairs they'd already traversed and listening closely for any other sound. A split second later, he heard heavy footfalls rapidly descending the stairs from the top floor.

With a sudden sense of urgency, he took hold of both Gon and KIllua's arms and moved them in front of him. "You two walk ahead of me now. If something happens, don't wait for me. Get as far away from here as you can."

"But Aniki, you can't take him on alone!" Killua protested, grasping at Illumi's wrist and refusing to budge.

Though it pained him greatly to do so, Illumi shook the boy off. "I wasn't asking, Kil. Your safety is most important right now."

"I'm not going anywhere-…!" Killua started to argue.

"You're right, I can't even hold a candle to Father's power." Illumi interjected, taking his little brother by the shoulders and holding him still. "But what if you do stay behind and I can't hold him off? The last thing either of us wants is for you to be forced back home again. He'll only ruin you if that happens. So go with Gon and get yourselves to safety, okay?"

Killua was silent for a moment, shocked into that state by the raw emotion he'd seen flashing in Illumi's black eyes. He's really serious about this, isn't he? I don't think there's any way I can talk him out of it.

Suddenly wary of the rapidly approaching footsteps thudding their way down the stairs, Killua swallowed thickly and nodded. "O-Okay. Just promise me you won't die."

"I promise. Now get going."

Struck by a newfound sense of urgency, Killua grabbed Gon's hand and took off down the stairs, moving as fast as possible without slipping and falling. Illumi waited a few seconds, letting the two boys disappear from sight, before turning and facing the stairs he'd already descended. He planned to face Silva head-on, slowing him down for long enough that the boys would be able to get somewhere safe. Silva had probably figured out by now that Killua was nearby. Although Illumi was valuable, Killua was even more so since he was the heir to the Zoldyck family. Silva was more likely to go after Killua than he was anyone else.

I have to protect him, Illumi thought, reaching up and loosening the needles embedded in his vest so they'd be easier to grab when the time to use them came. Even if it costs me my life, I have to make sure Kil gets to safety.

Silva's rapidly approaching footsteps were so loud now that he couldn't have been less than twenty feet up and closing in fast. Illumi quickly conjured up a mental image of how he thought the inevitable fight would play out. Silva would do his best to stay on the stairs so that he could maintain higher ground than his eldest son. Just that in and of itself was bad news. Illumi had to find a way to either force his father onto level ground or even sneak around and get above him. That alone might decide in who's favor the battle would lean.

He who has the high ground has the victory.

My gosh, it feels so nice to be back writing this fic again. I missed it so much you have no idea. This chapter was written in tiny bits and pieces over the span of maybe three weeks, so I apologize for any sloppiness or inconsistencies that snuck into this chapter. I tried to edit them all out but I may have missed a few regardless.

Thank you so much for reading! Please remember to take care of yourselves, and have a lovely day!