Child of the Dark Moon

by Sw-0608

Fleeing from Dudley and the 'Harry-hunters' under a full moon, Harry Potter saves his hated cousin from a giant wolf and is nearly killed. Severus Snape comes upon the bloody body not ten minutes later and takes the child into his home, against his better judgment. Can Snape come to terms with the vulnerable boy and help him to adapt to being a werewolf? (Manipulative Dumbledore)

30. Chapter 30: The Truth

Rated T: This chapter is rather disturbing. We are starting to learn just what Dumbledore took from Snape, and yes, I've had these reveals in mind since I wrote chapter 7. I just had no idea how to reveal them. So Snape has flashbacks, memories, bits and pieces, he reads letters, finds chunks of his past, but it all boils down to: Lily was captured by Death Eaters, Snape panicked and tried to protect her from the others, but he was forced to hurt her to protect both of them, and when he let her escape, naturally nothing was easy after that. So there is nothing explicit or graphic, but the implications and Severus' mental anguish can be a bit much, so if that's triggering for you, please don't read it.

(Disclaimer: don't own, never will, don't plan to. Just doing it for fun.)

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Chapter 30: The Truth

Severus opened his eyes, immediately realizing they were wet with tears. He blinked hard, finding himself lying on a bed, curled up on his side and shivering. He realized that he had fallen into a flashback … except he couldn't remember that ever happening. But he didn't remember it not happening either, and that terrified him more than anything. But how could it be true? And why would Dumbledore take it from him?

Severus shivered again and pressed his fist to his lips in horror, wondering if he was going to start screaming. He really wanted to, even as he realized what a bad idea that would be, especially since Black probably saw him collapse and then put him in bed like a weakling. He hadn't broken down like this in … years. If Dumbledore had been in the habit of taking memories like this from him, it was a wonder he had not already gone completely mad.

"Snape?" a soft, unexpected voice murmured above him. "Are you back?"

Severus jerked and sat up immediately, glaring wildly and furiously up at Remus Lupin, who was standing near the bed with a look of … concern, on his scarred face. He had only spoken to the Werewolf a few hours ago, but it felt like much longer.

"Hey," Lupin greeted him with a strained smile. "It's just me."

"Get away from me!" Severus snarled, uncurling and staggering off the bed.

"Snape's up?" Black's unwelcome voice came from the doorway to the small bedroom. "That's too bad. I kinda hoped you were out for good, Sniv."

Some part of Severus' mind registered that Black was teasing him. What in the world? But he was too overwhelmed by his own mind to even stay puzzled at the strange familiarity with which Black was already treating him. Other strange images and thoughts were cramming his head full, threatening to throw him into another full-blown flashback. He had to get out of here before he went mad. Panting like a cornered animal, Severus tried to dart out of the room, but his legs felt weak and weren't cooperating, and he was blocked by Black. He was trapped in a small space, with a Werewolf behind him and a Gryffindor animagus in front of him. The shadows started to close in again, but before his fragile mind could be swallowed by another memory, he yelled in wordless rage, yanking out his wand and throwing some spell at Black to get him out of the way. He really didn't know which one he used. He just needed to get out, to get away, and try to sort through his horribly fragmented mind without looking weak or helpless, especially in front of those two.

Bursting out of the cabin, he ran across the stony scrabble until he was out of breath, which wasn't very far, and then he disapparated.

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"What the hell was that about?" Sirius complained as Remus helped him up. He felt dizzy from that tornado curse, but hey, he knew it could have been a sectumsempra so he wasn't complaining, even though he had a nice throbbing knot on his head from being flung against the cabin wall by a gale-force wind.

"He had a flashback or something," his friend sighed, checking him over for injuries.

"For Merlin's sake, stop fussing," Sirius protested, slapping Remus' hands away. "I'm perfectly fine!"

"Could have been a lot worse," Remus said quietly, obviously remembering what Snape did to him mere days ago.

"Yeah, I guess," Sirius sighed, running his hand through his greasy hair and wincing when his fingers rubbed the sore spot on his head. "What got into him, though?"

"His mind …" Remus said carefully. "He … you said he mentioned that his mind is unraveling?"

"That was what he said," Sirius replied slowly. "Insisted he wasn't gonna go barmy though."

The Werewolf sighed and rolled his eyes. "Sirius, tell me you haven't forgotten the cardinal rule of insanity?"

"Ummm … that the kooks think everybody else is insane?"

"No! I mean, yes, that's true too, but not what I was thinking of."

"I was just messing with you," Sirius smirked. "I remember: If you know you're crazy, than you aren't crazy, because crazy people don't think they're crazy. Right?"

"Yes," Remus sighed, giving him an annoyed look. "If Severus told you he 'isn't going to go barmy' from this, he's either lying to himself, lying to you, or he's already barmy."

"Yeah, see, that's why the Marauders always needed you, Moony," Sirius grinned. "You're the only one with a smidgeon of logic."

Remus shook his head and pressed his lips together, obviously not wanting to get into all that. Silence reigned for several minutes while Sirius nursed his aching head, and the rest of his bruised body. Despite his assurances that he was fine, getting thrown against a wall by a violent gust of wind hurt.

While the silence filled the air, Sirius thought back to his godson. All of this revolved around the poor kid, and no matter which way he looked at it, Snape had come through for Harry when nobody else did … or could. He was actually a decent (if annoying) guy overall … but hadn't Lily said that all the time? Severus Snape might not be Sirius' favorite person in the world, and they definitely weren't going to be attending tea-parties together anytime soon, but seeing Snape being so gentle with his godson, the Marauder had felt something melt in his chest. Seeing Harry's obvious fondness and trust for Snivellus had been … unexpected. But he had no real doubt anymore that Severus Snape's loyalty to the child was purely platonic. He felt ashamed that he had suspected, even for such a short time, that Snivellus might be hurting his little boy. It simply wasn't possible. He was protective of Harry while still being dismissive of children in general. In fact, Snape was still trying to help the child even when he couldn't remember anything specific about him and Harry actually interacting.

Dumbledore was the true villain here. Couldn't the old idiot even see that? Taking somebody's memories had to be one of the worst crimes in existence, especially if this was the result. Snape's mind was simply falling apart because it couldn't handle it anymore; like a tapestry you've pulled too many threads out of. It goes threadbare, and then it falls apart, and you can't recognize the mess that's left. Sirius shuddered to think of that happening to Snape's bright and brilliant mind. Then he shuddered at the realization that he had actually just called Snivellus 'bright' and 'brilliant', even if it was just in the privacy of his own mind. Maybe he was the one going barmy.

"We can't let Snivellus go crazy," Sirius suddenly blurted out. "Harry needs him."

"Of course; that's it!" Remus agreed with a grim nod.

"You've already got a solution?"

"We find Harry."

"Yeah? That simple?"

"We're Marauders, aren't we?"

"Sure, but …"

"And in the meantime, we find Severus' memories and get them back."

"How in the world are we gonna do that, huh?" Sirius demanded angrily. "It's not like they're floating around for the taking!"

"Dumbledore doesn't throw anything away," Remus explained. "And I really mean that: he throws nothing away. He'll have saved the memories somehow … somewhere. We just need to find them."

"Sure," Sirius sighed, gently massaging the lump on his skull. "Like Dumbles would just leave us a treasure map to the stash of Snape's Stolen Secrets …"

"When did you become the pessimistic one, Padfoot?"

"Since Snape threw me against the wall. My head hurts!"

Sirius thought it was rather mean when Remus just laughed at him. He was just trying to get a little sympathy, for crying out loud! Never mind that he'd actually shoved Remus away earlier when his friend was trying to check him over and give him sympathy … so, Sirius wasn't too proud to admit that it was a little comical.

Just a little, though. And he wasn't going to start smiling about it anytime soon.

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He sat in his attic, wondering what drew him here. His little house seemed like the best place to hide and gather his wits, but why the attic? Severus sat in the dusty, drafty place, surrounded by dusty, musty-smelling boxes of memories. There was his old school trunk in one corner, and over there he could see his mother's old things. There was a box of Christmas decorations near his feet, and tucked into the shadows was another trunk, obviously magical and newer than the battered old school trunk that had been Eileen Prince's before it was Severus Snape's. The Potions Master carefully crawled across the dusty floor and laid his hands on the trunk, feeling the spark of familiar magic crawling up his fingers from its locks. He silently spelled it open and conjured several floating Lumos globes that hovered above his head like a cluster of grapes. The light they gave was more than enough to see a stack of letters. He picked up the top one and unfolded it, realizing that it was a letter from Lily Potter … to him?

Dear Sev,

Harry's growing so fast! I know you can't wait to see him again …

Wait … What?! Severus dropped the letter in shock after reading that first sentence. He didn't recall ever getting letters from Lily about her brat … But if his memories and strange thoughts were to be believed …

Severus desperately pawed through the trunk, searching for more clues. Under the letters, (all of which are addressed to him) he found a bag of muggle plastic. Inside the bag was a folded wedding dress, likely Lily's. Under the dress were some photo albums, (flipping through them revealed dozens of pictures of a dark-haired baby, sometimes alone, sometimes held by his mother) a stack of thin diaries, and some other books that belonged to Lily. Her old schoolbooks, a few novels, (both muggle and magical) some notebooks detailing new charms and potions she wanted to work on, and a couple of small books clearly meant for a baby were all stacked neatly at the bottom. There were a few boxes stacked beside them, and in one, he found letters and mementos from school, all having to do with his and Lily's friendship. He didn't bother to open the other boxes, he just feverishly dumped everything back in and stood up, breathing harshly and grabbing at his greasy hair, cursing his broken mind and his lost memories and the existence of Lily Potter and her damned son.

How did this trunk get here anyway? What would he be doing with a trunk that had clearly belonged to Lily Evans, yet was filled with mementos that involved him, not James Bloody Potter? It made absolutely no sense! Why in all hell couldn't he remember?

Severus cursed several times and tugged brutally on his own hair until he was on the verge of furious tears. Why was he so unstable and emotionally volatile lately? He was Severus Snape! He was a Master Occlumens! Surely he was better at concealing his emotions than this! But it was too tiring to shove it all away. With a cry of rage, he threw his wand on the floor and kicked a nearby cardboard box across the attic. He raged and kicked and threw boxes and bags around the attic with abandon. He slammed the black trunk closed and threw it down the attic ladder. He jumped down after it, not bothering to use the ladder like a normal person, landed in a heap beside Lily's trunk, and proceeded to pick up the heavy trunk so he could throw it violently into his bedroom. It thudded hard on the floor and landed on its side, but it didn't crack or break open. It didn't look at all affected by Snape's temper tantrum, but then, magical trunks were always more durable than normal.

"I will remember," Severus vowed in a hiss. "I will."

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Strategy was something Remus could handle. Sirius wasn't half bad at it, but actually implementing good strategies was something the Marauders had always run past Moony. Remus' practicality and common sense often uncovered flaws that the over-enthusiastic Sirius and ever-creative James and completely-oblivious Peter missed. When Snape ran from the cabin, Sirius and Remus put their heads together and formed a plan of action. First task: find out where Snape went sand if he's alright.

Padfoot had to stay close to the cabin, so Remus went. He had a pretty good idea where Snape had gone, but getting there would require him to step into the lion's den, so to speak. No matter. Remus was a Gryffindor. Spineless he may be in personal matters, but when it came to something he deemed 'a mission', nothing could stop him. He apparated to Hogwarts.

Much as the Werewolf would have loved barging into Dumbledore's office and demanding to know what the old fool had done with Harry, Remus was not quite that hot-headed. He went to Madam Pomfrey instead. Sneaking through the castle, Remus didn't even meet a ghost. Even the portraits were empty. He heard Peeves cackling down a hall, but he didn't see the Poltergeist.

It wasn't much of a surprise to find Minerva in Poppy's office, and at this point, Remus was a Werewolf on a mission. He didn't hesitate to step inside and throw up the privacy charms he and the Marauders had developed for their troublemaking.

"I need Severus Snape's floo address," he announced bluntly. The two women just blinked at him as if wondering if he'd taken leave of his senses.

"Remus," Minerva said carefully. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Severus will kill you this time," Poppy added with an unamused snort.

"It's an emergency," Remus insisted, fisting his trembling hands. He could do this. He was a Gryffindor. "Severus' mind is unraveling and he's in trouble. We need to find Harry and we need to find his memories … but I'm not sure how we'll do either."

"Well, lad," Minerva sighed, rising from her chair and smoothing down her maroon robes. "If you're determined to walk into a snake-pit we may as well come with you."

"Dumbledore hasn't touched your memories, Poppy?" Remus asked carefully as he moved aside for the women.

"Thankfully, no," Poppy replied quietly, leading the way out of her office into the Infirmary proper. "But I've been popping in and out too quickly for him to catch. I'm not a Slytherin for nothing."

Remus gave her an incredulous glance. "How have I not known that about you?"

"It isn't really something I talk about, for obvious reasons," the medi-witch chuckled as they stopped beside the large fireplace. "Severus keeps an open floo for the Hogwarts Infirmary, so we'll use this one."

"Spinner's End," Minerva announced, throwing down the floo powder. She stepped in, but suddenly the fireplace seemed to cough, and the Transfiguration Professor was literally thrown out and across the room. Remus lunged and caught her and they fell down in a heap of robes and limbs.

"What the hell?" Remus spluttered as he sat up.

Minerva swore in what sounded like Gaelic, but she accepted Poppy's hand and heaved herself to her feet.

"It looks like Severus has blocked the Hogwarts floos," Poppy explained, her face looking pale and worried. "I really don't blame him, but you don't think he's in trouble, do you …?"

"He looked desperate," Remus answered quietly. "He had a flashback, and I think it was a bad one. He … I … I couldn't catch him. He just ran and disapparated. I guessed he went home, because that's where I go when I'm overwhelmed and need somewhere to … figure things out."

"Well, I've never apparated there," Minerva sighed. "Any ideas?"

Remus swallowed hard. "I … I could go to Cokeworth."

Poppy turned to him in surprise. "You know what town he lives in? Not even I know that."

"Well, you said 'Spinner's End'," Remus shrugged. "It's a street in Lily's old neighbourhood. She lived in Cokeworth. I visited her once or twice there. Plus, she said her and Snape grew up close to each other. If I go to Cokeworth, I'm sure I could find him. My … senses … could locate him where magic likely won't."

"I imagine you'd best go alone," Minerva sighed. She shook her head and folded her arms. "Dear me, I hope Severus hasn't gone and done sommat foolish," she murmured. "Never was one for self-harm, was Sev, but ye never know with his mind fallin' apart." The Scotswoman threw up her hands with a cry of frustration. "Och! Are ye sure I can't just go light into the barmy ol' coot now? How dare he harm one of our own like this!"

"Be patient, Sirius and I have a plan," Remus said quickly, trying to calm her down. Then he suddenly realized he'd said Sirius' name. He gulped as the blood drained from his face. Poppy gave him a confused look and Minerva sighed and rolled her eyes behind her spectacles.

"Sirius, eh?" Madam Pomfrey said suspiciously. "That wouldn't be the escaped convict who managed to kidnap Harry from the blood-wards?"

"He didn't hurt Harry," Remus hastened to assure her. "He kidnapped Snape too and didn't hurt him either. Sirius was unjustly imprisoned and escaped when he heard Harry had disappeared." The Werewolf winced. "I gave him the newspaper with that headline, and he … I suppose he found the will to escape. But he's on our side against Dumbledore's madness. We've got to put a stop to this. Severus is losing his sanity, Harry's locked up who-knows-where, and if we don't fix something right now, we might lose everything."

"Everything?" Minerva echoed, sounding a bit incredulous.

"If Snape loses his mind, or his life," Remus explained. "Harry will lose any and all trust in Dumbledore, if he hasn't already. The boy knows more than we give him credit for." He swallowed hard. "Of course, he knows who I am too … and I know he'll be frightened of me. But since he can't take Wolfsbane until he's older, I'm the only one who can help him survive the next few years of Full Moons."

Poppy nodded thoughtfully. "You're determined to do right by the boy?" she asked sternly.

"Or die trying," Remus replied grimly. "And my duty starts with finding Snape and making sure he's alright. Harry needs him, and … whether or not he'll admit it, Severus needs Harry."

Minerva and Poppy glanced at one another briefly, some unspoken communication passing between them. Remus waited anxiously, desperate to be on his way. It seemed strange that Snape hadn't moved from his childhood home, but then, knowing how frugal Severus had always been, he supposed it shouldn't have been so surprised. It shouldn't be hard to find Snape's house, but finding Severus would only be the first step. They needed a plan.

"What do you need us to do?" Minerva McGonegall finally asked.

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Severus,

I don't know why I'm writing. I still hate you. But I owe you so much, so I can't hate you. Maybe it's myself I hate. I'm sorry, Sev. I feel so rottenly ungrateful after all you did to protect me. But I have to tell you. I can't tell James, he'll hate me and kill you. He still doesn't know what happened, you know.

I'm pregnant.

Severus threw the letter down and buried his face in his hands. A smothered sob escaped his throat and other memories rushed through his mind, too quickly for him to grasp.

Lily's face, tear-streaked and furious, her damp hair clinging to her cheek.

"Why do you always do this, Severus?"

Poison in his hands, tipping the bottle to admire the light.

The Dark Lord, his face cold and displeased.

Lily is wearing his clothes, shrunken to fit her, and her damp head is bowed.

His own voice, cold and cruel. "You're free; go."

Lily's voice, high-pitched and incredulous. "Don't push me away! Don't do this again!"

Death Eaters closing in on him with evil light in their eyes.

A sibilant hiss from a man with red eyes. "You will be punished …"

Severus shook his head furiously, either in denial or in an effort to shake some sense into his mind. He could tell what must have happened, but the memories cracking loose from Dumbledore's restraints were so disjointed that he couldn't put a timeline to anything. Retreating into his mind did nothing but submerge him into a senseless whirlwind of unfamiliar images and voices. He didn't know what was true and what was manufactured. At the center of it all was Dumbledore, the manipulative old serpent.

"Swear it, Severus."

A dark sitting room and a dim fire, red-patterned carpet and velvet chairs.

"I can't take this anymore!"

"I will help you, my boy."

A lightning flash.

Kneeling before the terrifying old wizard in the rain, swearing the Unbreakable Vow, wondering why the Dark Lord didn't require Unbreakable Vows …

Standing firm against the old man's wrath while his heart thundered in his chest.

"I want to leave them."

"I cannot trust you, Mr. Snape, you know that."

"You can. You must. I am the prophecy child's father, not James. I have thrice defied the Dark Lord."

Severus jerked at that particular bit of the memory and swore softly, clutching his head. How could he be the Potter brat's father? The thought filled him with horror and dread. Yet the memories he was recalling said just that. Lily had been captured by Death Eaters. Severus had taken his prize. She became pregnant and wrote to him of the fact. James never knew. Dumbledore did, and took the memory. But it didn't change the fact that Harry James was never a Potter at all. No wonder Severus felt such a strong magical bond to the brat. No wonder his magic changed his Patronus. No wonder he simply couldn't forget the child no matter what Albus did.

"Holy Mother of …" Severus whispered, wondering why he was so dense to not see it before. He was the boy's father. He could find Harry so much easier if he just used a paternal locating spell. But how did one do it? He might have a book on such blood-based magic in his private library, or if not there, then he would probably have one hidden in the secret cabinet in his potions lab.

Severus got up off the floor of his bedroom and clattered down the stairs toward his study, but he froze in the hallway when he heard the unmistakable sound of a fist knocking on his door.

Since his home was hidden from muggles by layers upon layers of enchantments, the only ones who could possibly even find the door would be magical. Automatically, the Potions Master flicked his wand into his hand and waited. There was no sound of forced entry, and he had some nasty hexes on the door that would cause most unlocking charms to backfire almost fatally. He strained his magic, searching the house's wards. Whoever was here meant no harm, physically or mentally, so they hadn't triggered any alarms. They had walked in, not magically arrived. They were still waiting at the door.

Again, the knuckles rapped at the door and Severus tilted his head to the side as he wondered what to do. If it was Dumbledore, (he'd blocked his floo access completely just to keep the old meddler out) he'd probably AK the bastard. The thought filled him with righteous anger and he gripped his wand tightly. He knew he shouldn't fantasize about killing his boss … but he was so furious. And he was frightened too and he had no idea what to do.

The person knocked again in a strange pattern. Severus blinked as he recognized Morse Code in the pattern. That ruled out Dumbledore, and most other wizards he knew. It had to be someone who appreciated muggles.

Severus' curiosity got the better of him, especially as the Morse Code message spelled out "I W-A-N-T T-O H-E-L-P". He cautiously approached his front door and gripped his wand a bit more tightly before he spelled the door open all at once.

Remus Lupin in all his tattered glory blinked at him before smiling weakly. His brown-gold eyes flicked down the black wand pointed at his chest. "Hello," he said quietly. "You alright?"

"How in the world did you know where I live?" Severus demanded.

"I didn't really … I just visited Lily a few times and she once mentioned that you were neighbours, so I decided to start at her old house," Lupin explained. "Er … may I come in?"

Severus really didn't have the strength or a reason to refuse. In fact, maybe the Werewolf could clear up a few things for him. He silently turned and walked back toward his study, slipping his wand back into his sleeve holster as he went. He heard the door shut softly behind him and the Werewolf's shoes scuffed over the wooden floor.

"So, visited the Evanses often, did you?" Severus sneered as he entered his library/study.

"Just once or twice over the holidays and a summer or two," Lupin answered calmly. "We were sort of close during our fourth year, if you'll remember, so she wanted me to meet her parents."

"Before you ended it," Severus grumbled, wondering why he was even remembering such a thing. "You broke her heart."

"I couldn't let her get closer to me," Lupin said pleadingly. "You know who … what … I am. I couldn't do that to her. And I know I hurt her … but what was I supposed to do?"

"Tell her the truth," Severus snapped. "Girls appreciate that."

"Blokes too," Lupin said boldly.

"You'd better not be picking up habits from Black," Severus growled, giving the Werewolf the evil eye. "If you're attempting to flirt with me, I'll throw you out on your ear, see if I don't."

"I was only saying …" Lupin said in a flustered voice. "I want to help you. But I have no idea where to start or even where you are … mentally speaking. Sirius and I … we know how important Harry is to you, and how important you are to Harry. So we're going to help you."

Severus froze, his finger still resting on the spine of a dark green book about serpentine creatures. Harry might appreciate this book, he thought absently as he pulled it out and dropped it on his desk. "You have no idea what you're saying, Lupin," Severus finally muttered.

"I know," the Werewolf sighed. "The Marauders, offering help to Severus Snape. Unthinkable."

"Unbelievable," Severus agreed.

"Which is why Dumbledore won't be ready for it," Lupin added with a definite smirk in his tone.

Severus paused in his search yet again to pull out a dark brown tome, but it wasn't what he was looking for. "You're mad, both of you," the Potions Master stated flatly. "As I've told Black, there is not much we can do against Albus Dumbledore. Even the three of us together don't stand much of chance of beating him in a fight."

"Minerva's with us, and so's Poppy," Lupin pointed out.

"Poppy will not fight; she is a sworn healer, remember? Do No Harm?"

"Aren't you a healer too?"

"I haven't sworn the Hippocratic Oath," Severus snapped, snatching a thick black book off a high shelf and nodding with satisfaction that it was the one he was looking for. "I may be a certified medi-wizard, but since I have no official position as a healer, I have not been sworn in."

"Okay," Lupin said slowly. "And anyway, who said anything about pitched battle? I was thinking something a little more … Slytherin-ey."

Severus glanced up from his book with an incredulous glare. "… That isn't a word."

"I say it is," Lupin said stubbornly.

"I liked you better as a spineless coward," Severus grumbled, sitting in his desk chair to more comfortably peruse the book of locating spells.

"Want to know what changed?"

Severus sighed and looked up. He really looked at Lupin this time, and although the man's face seemed unchanged, there was something different in the way he held himself. The gold-flecked eyes held his gaze without flinching, his posture was firm and his jaw set. He wasn't smiling his pleasant little smile and he didn't hunch in on himself. He looked more like a Gryffindor, to be honest. But there was sorrow in his eyes and in his face that seemed as pronounced as grief. What had happened to the spineless, politically correct, pleasantly calm excuse for a Werewolf?

"What did you do?" Severus asked warily.

"You almost killed me the last time I told you," Lupin replied calmly.

"Bloody, sodding hell …!" Severus snarled, launching to his feet and gripping his desk to control his rage. His body trembled and he hung his head. "What else has that old man taken from me?" he asked in a whisper. He almost wanted to cry. At the same time, he wanted to scream and rage and throttle someone, preferably an elderly headmaster with a long white beard.

"Do … do you want me to tell you?" the Werewolf asked softly.

"Tell me," Severus muttered, slumping into his chair and rubbing his eyes. "I'll probably remember it soon anyway, at the rate my mind is falling apart."

"… I'm the Werewolf that bit Harry."

Severus blinked at his desk. That's it? He thought sardonically. I raped the child's mother and hey, I'm apparently his father and I was planning on being cruel and nasty to him, my own son, the minute he came to Hogwarts, how about that? Weren't they a pair. Severus created the child. Lupin created a werewolf out of the child.

He wasn't even angry. He just felt exhausted. It was too much and he didn't know what to do, which wasn't actually a first for him. Severus Snape had spent most of life not knowing what he was supposed to be doing.

The Potions Master glanced up at Lupin, who was visibly bracing himself. Again, Severus wondered what he'd done to scare the Werewolf this badly. "What did I do to you last time?" he asked, purposefully keeping his voice soft and silky. He flicked his wand into his hand and toyed with it; almost sniggering at the way the Werewolf paled even more and made an effort not to draw his own wand.

"I don't know what you did," Lupin said in a whisper. "But it hurt. A lot."

"Hmm," Severus hummed. He tossed his wand on the desk and sighed as he rubbed his face with both hands. "I'm tired, Lupin," he muttered into his hands. "I'm losing my mind, I've lost a son I didn't even know I had, and I've lost a friend and mentor who was apparently never my friend, only ever my master. I'm too tired to kill anyone right now."

Suddenly Lupin was close to his desk, kneeling beside his chair so he could look up into the Potions Professor's face. "You don't have to do this alone, Severus," Lupin said in a surprisingly fierce tone. "Dumbledore must pay for what he's done, and we'll help you do it. Then … then we'll help you get your memories back and your mind back together, and we'll help you find your child … even if it's just his grave."

Severus blinked and lowered his hands to look squarely into the scarred, earnest face of the man beside him. He was surprised at such a pledge of loyalty, and he also wanted to roll his eyes. Gryffindors were great allies in a pinch, especially since they would gladly throw themselves in first and think later, but they could be so dumb. Did Lupin not hear what he'd said? Did he not make the necessary connection? Was it not obvious why Dumbledore would keep erasing his good memories of the Boy-Who-Lived?

"Lupin," Severus said severely. "You and Black will kill me for this, but since you've already braved my wrath on the matter of your Full Moon activities, I suppose you deserve to be enlightened. I believe Harry is not a Potter at all, but a Snape."

He waited for Remus Lupin to get it, but Gryffindors, even Ravenclaw-ish ones like this Werewolf, were notoriously slow. Lupin just frowned up at him and sat back on his heels.

"You'll have to explain," the Werewolf said apologetically. "What are you talking about? How is Harry Potter actually a Snape?"

"I think," Severus said slowly and carefully, lest Lupin not understand. "I think I impregnated Lily in October or November of 1979."

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After such a revelation, Remus Lupin was struck dumb. Seriously, who used such a clinical word like 'impregnated' anyway? Couldn't he just say that Lily was cheating on James? Or had Snape seduced her somehow? It was strange to think about and actually, thinking about it made his stomach swoop with nausea. Remus slowly stood up and kept his eyes on Severus as he stepped back a little. Snape had always been blunt, but honestly, did the Potions Master just say what he thought he'd heard? Maybe he should just wait for Severus to explain what he'd meant. The man's face was stonily blank right now, but he was a fool if those dark eyes weren't watching him with anxiety.

"Alright," Remus said slowly, keeping his expression and voice neutral. "And?"

"And?" Severus repeated, arching his eyebrows in surprise. "Did you not hear what I said? I know Gryffindors are thick, but I assumed you were more intelligent than most."

"I heard you," Remus huffed. "I just … don't understand what you're saying. Or implying."

Severus Snape sighed in frustration and got up from his desk. "Come with me, you oaf."

Remus silently followed the dark wizard up the stairs and into a bedroom. The room was nice, furnished with Spartan taste and filled with sunlight. But the floor was scattered with papers, books, a few photo albums, opened boxes, and an open trunk on its side, spilling yet more of its contents on the floor. He stared at the mess in confusion. Severus had never struck him as a man who was messy or sloppy, so why the chaos in here?

The Potions Master sat down in the midst of the mess and started picking up folded papers, opening them just enough to see their dates and arranging them in piles. Cautiously, Remus sat down somewhere behind Snape and picked up a photo album. He flipped it open and almost fell over in surprise. Silently giggling and waving at him were Lily and a one year old Harry. The dark-haired boy was laughing and his eyes were definitely green by this age, and he was holding a stuffed snake in his chubby hands. Lily was grinning and her whole face was glowing with happiness, and Remus remembered taking this picture. In fact, flipping through more pages of Harry crawling for toys, sitting in his high chair, sleeping in his crib, sitting up, laughing, smiling, or solemn, he recognized almost every single one. What in the world?

Remus squinted at the pages of moving photographs and tried to remember Harry as he'd seen him last. Surely … the shape of Harry's nose and the arch of his eyebrows wouldn't have changed that much between infanthood and the age of nine. Surely Harry's hair hadn't suddenly become messy and thick as he got older. He traced a picture of Harry sleeping and noted how soft and straight the boy's black hair looked. It was slightly wavy at the ends, but not messy and thick like his father's … or like James' hair, anyway. Remus glanced up and noticed Severus was watching him.

Carefully, the Werewolf scooted closer to the Potions Master and held out the album. "He didn't used to look much like James, did he?" he asked quietly.

"You think he does now?" Severus snapped.

Remus sighed and studied the page of pictures again. "I … don't know," he muttered. "A few subtle charms could be in place, making him look more like a Potter and less like … a Snape. But what the hell happened? I … I don't want to jump to conclusions."

Severus sighed and opened the top letter in his stack.

"Severus, I don't know why I'm writing. I still hate you," Severus read in a hoarse voice. "But I owe you so much, so I can't hate you. Maybe it's myself I hate. I'm sorry, Sev. I feel so rottenly ungrateful after all you did to protect me. But I have to tell you. I can't tell James, he'll hate me and kill you. He still doesn't know what happened, you know." Severus paused and swallowed hard. "I'm pregnant," he read in a whisper. "I ... I did the test an hour ago. I'm terrified, but it's strange to think … I'm a mother. You know what that means, Severus?" The Potions Master stopped and closed his eyes, looking sick. He took a deep breath and shook out the letter before he opened his eyes and read out the next sentence in a dead voice. "It means you're a father."

Severus tossed the letter down and Remus picked it up, aware that his hand was shaking. The letter was dated for the beginning of December, 1979. He skimmed down the letter, smiling slightly at the sight of Lily's cramped, sloppy handwriting. Muggleborns usually had a lot of trouble with quills and Lily had been no exception. Remus quickly found where Severus had stopped reading and continued.

…I know you're panicking right now. So am I. But none of this is the baby's fault. He, or she, doesn't deserve to suffer for what happened. I know there are potions, and muggles have their own methods, but I'm absolutely not going to get rid of my baby. So don't offer or I'm going to be very upset with you, Sev. I just wanted someone to tell. I'm scared to death and I'm weirdly excited.

James thinks I have the dragon flu or something since I've been dreadfully sick on and off for the past month. Are there any potions for morning sickness? I feel like an ungrateful beggar, asking this of you, but I really feel awful. I'm begging on my knees, Sev. If there's anyone in the universe who can help me, it would be you. Please write back.

-Lily

P.S. Don't hate yourself, Sev, no matter what I wrote at the beginning of this letter. Remember what my mum always said? God brings good out of everything, even the most terrible evil.

Remus reached up and dashed the tears away from his eyes. He looked up to find Severus handing him another letter. To his surprise, this one was written in a totally different hand, dated the same day as the letter Lily had written. Remus unfolded it and found that it was a letter to Lily. From Severus Snape.

"What in the world?" Remus whispered.

"She saved them; every single one," Severus whispered back, his voice cracked and broken. He gestured over at a small box like something one would use for recipes or note-cards. The box was open and filled with neatly stacked letters, every single one marked with Severus' spiky handwriting and numbered in the outside corner with Lily's hand.

Remus glanced over everything again, seeing it with new eyes. "This trunk … it was hers?" he asked.

"It's full of mementos," Severus replied softly. "Her wedding dress, photos, letters, her schoolbooks … I don't know how I ended up with it. I … don't remember."

"Well, damn," Remus mumbled. "I'm … I'm sorry, Severus."

"You're sorry?" Severus hissed incredulously.

"Well, it's obvious you both loved each other a great deal …"

"You're an idiot," Severus snarled. He slapped the letter in Remus' hand. "Read that letter. And for the record, I don't remember writing it."

Remus blinked in confusion, but he obeyed, opening the letter and noting that it was quite long and there were wrinkled spots and smudged ink in some places that indicated tears.

Lily,

Words cannot express my sorrow. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I wish you hadn't stopped me before. I wish you hadn't forced me to swear not to do it. I'm not a coward, Lily. You know that. But I deserve to suffer. However, even knowing how much I long to die for what I did, however much I deserve to die; I hold my oath to you as sacred, and I will not cause you more pain.

I was surprised to receive your letter, but I assure you that your feelings of hatred and loathing for my person are completely understood and accepted. Your scorn cannot come close to touching the hatred and loathing I feel for myself. I am a vile creature and a criminal, Lily. I know this. Do not hate yourself for my crime. Please do not think of yourself as anything less than true and good and beautiful. If any of your goodness has been marred it is by me and I ought to bear the loathing, not you.

Morning Sickness is a common ailment, but remedies tend to be unique to each woman. You should find yourself a competent healer and midwife and they will brew you a potion that would work for you. If you insist on asking me to do it, I would need a great deal of information best collected over a period of time. You would have to keep a journal of what you eat, when you vomit, what you crave, how tired you are, what time of day you feel ill, etc. If you wish to do that, I can send you a journal to fill out over the next week and I'll do my best. I am humbled by your confidence in my skills, but I confess to you Lily, I really don't know what I'm doing here. I had to go fetch some books and do some research about your question. Naturally, my specialty is not female medicine.

I would never suggest that you destroy the life within you. Such a thing is abhorrent to me. But your husband may not feel the same. You will not be able to hide it. There are traditional spells that Pureblood fathers do to verify the paternity of their wife's children. Should Potter perform even one of those, it will become obvious that the child you bear is not his. You must decide what to do. I give you permission to tell him where I live. You already know of my death wish, and if it will give your husband closure or an outlet for his grief, I accept his wrath with open arms. Heaven knows I deserve it this time.

But Lily, you are such an absurdly compassionate and forgiving person. I order you to come to me at least, if he hurts you or threatens to. I know the order sounds ridiculous given what I've done to you, but I swear upon my mother's grave and all I hold sacred that I will give my life before I touch you again. I will not allow my fear to control me if there is a second time.

I was punished for losing you. The Dark Lord was not happy that you 'escaped'. Before you ask, I am perfectly fine. I keep remedies for this sort of thing. But while I was being tortured, I realized that I will never allow my fear to rule me again. I do not fear him. I only fear your harm, and now the harm of your child. Do not let Potter hurt you, or the baby.

Severus

Remus' heart was pounding and tears were burning his eyes by the time he finished the letter. He saw it now. He knew what Severus was trying to tell him. Sirius was going to kill Snape for this, if he ever found out. But there were so many more questions. How did it happen? Did James ever find out? How did Dumbledore learn about it? Was it Lily or Dumbledore who changed Harry's appearance? Why would the old meddler think it so important to hide Harry from his own father?

"You see it now?" Severus asked faintly. He was sitting quite still, staring up at the abstract painting on the wall. His face was deathly pale and his eyes were red, but he wasn't crying. Not quite.

"You … r-raped her?" Remus whispered, hardly able to believe the words coming from his own mouth. "Severus … how? What happened?"

"I don't know," the Potions Master murmured in a dead tone. "I do not remember the deed. I don't remember these letters. I … had no idea Harry was actually ... possibly … mine."

"Blame Dumbledore for that," Remus muttered, rubbing his face hard and scrubbing the tears away. "But … what do you remember?"

"I remember being summoned to the Dark Lord and being offered a reward. There were seven young women with the word Mudblood carved into their arms."

"Bellatrix," Remus growled, recalling that crazy witch's signature torture for the muggleborns.

"Lily was one of them, and I remember nothing more," Severus sighed wearily and closed his eyes. "I … presume I chose Lily to protect her from the other Death Eaters, but was forced to … take her … right then and there. It was common enough at the Dark Lord's disgusting revels." He drew in a long, shaky breath. "I suppose I took her to my home, treated her injuries, and set her free. She went home, we went back to our lives, and the Dark Lord presumably punished me for losing a prisoner. He may have suspected I actually let her go, but obviously, I wasn't killed. Then she writes to me a month or so later to tell me I got her pregnant. Why didn't I give her a contraceptive potion? I can't remember if I even thought of it."

"Well, then Harry would have died almost before he was conceived," Remus pointed out gently. "You don't really wish that, do you?"

"No, I don't," Severus muttered. "I simply … I don't … remember him, or anything you and Poppy and Black were telling me about the past month … It seems when Dumbledore suppressed those memories, the less recent ones he had hidden came to light. Now … now I'm simply confused."

"I can't even imagine," Remus said wearily. He really couldn't imagine what it would be like to know someone had reached into your head and scrambled up your reality, and your whole life by extension. It was simply unfathomable. Remus reached over to a nearby stack of letters from Lily but Severus snatched them away.

"These are personal," he snarled before gesturing at a smaller stack of sloppily folded papers in Lily's handwriting. Remus thought there were about five or six letters there. "That stack is a bit more informative if you wish to read them, and you may not read anymore of the ones I wrote."

"If they're all like the first one, I don't think I could handle it," Remus admitted. The emotional agony in the words, the tear-stains on the page, it was all too gut-wrenchingly raw. "I didn't even know you could write like that."

Severus sighed and ran his hand through his limp, greasy hair. "I … I have always felt things very deeply," he growled reluctantly. "Which is why you may not read the rest."

"Got it," the Werewolf smiled weakly. "And … I don't want to read these." He waved vaguely at the small stack of Lily's letters. "They're yours, and I'll take your word for it, anything you want to tell me."

Severus hesitated for s few seconds before he said in flat tone, "When are you going to tell Black?"

"What?" Remus blinked in surprise. "Why would I …? Oh. No, I won't tell him. If you want to, that's your business."

"He … is the boy's godfather," Severus gritted out, not looking up from the letters he was slowly crushing in his grip. "Shouldn't he … doesn't he have the right to know?"

"He doesn't have the right to know anything because James appointed him godfather," Remus explained patiently. "James wasn't the true father and as far as I know there wasn't an adoption ritual. That would require two witnesses and Sirius would have definitely been one of them. So, since it was just Harry's mother's husband who appointed the godfather, it actually doesn't have any bearing on Sirius. I mean the magic may not have even recognized him unless you approved it, as the biological father."

Severus was quiet for several minutes while he digested this. Remus opened another photo album and this one had several pictures of Lily pregnant before the photos gave way to newborn Harry pictures. Severus shuffled through the letters in his lap, re-reading some of them and matching them to his responses in the other box. After some time, the Potions Professor began cleaning up. Remus helped a little, but he stayed out of the way since he couldn't understand how Snape was organizing everything. When the trunk was back in order, Severus shut and locked it before shoving it into the closet under a lot of black robes.

"I didn't think you owned any color clothes but black, and I guess I was right," Remus said with some amusement. Severus merely grunted in reply and left the room. The Werewolf followed him downstairs as Severus retrieved the thick black book from the study and went to the kitchen to make tea. Remus cautiously sat down and glanced at the book out of curiosity. He only needed to read the title before a relieved, and excited, smile spread across his face.

"Severus Snape, you're a genius," Remus declared genuinely. When Severus looked up from the kettle, looking mildly confused, the Werewolf gestured at the book. "Knowing you two are blood-related in the closest way possible, it'll be child's play for you to locate Harry now! Let me know if I can help."

Severus shook his head. "Werewolf magic is different, so you would not be of help," he said shortly. "But … I may need Black's help. He is versed in these sorts of rituals?"

"Should be," Remus said cautiously. "But ... don't you need some of Harry's blood for this?"

"Poppy has some," Severus waved his hand dismissively. "However, the ritual I'm thinking of simply needs a great deal of my own and an assistant."

The Werewolf sighed unhappily. "I guess … this means you'll have to tell Sirius?"

Severus jerked his head in a nod, his eyes tight with some emotion too deep for Remus to read.

He nodded back and excused himself from the table. "In that case," the Werewolf said grimly. "You'd best let me do it. Sirius handles things better if he has time to digest them before a target comes into view."

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I'm sorry for such a heart-breaking chapter. Yes, I know it's depressing, and yes, I know we didn't get to see Harry at all. Rest assured, he's actually fine. He's doing way better than poor Snape at this point. Next chapter I have to deal with Sirius. Argh. I just can't give my poor characters a break.

I've had this back-story in mind almost since I started this fic. I actually wrote a one-shot about what happened just to keep things straight in my head, but it's pretty awful. I tried not to be graphic, but it made me cry when I re-read it so I won't post it. Severus will soon remember everything, and that'll be really dreadful for him, but I won't go into details. I'll just give a general idea. Anyway, Dumbledore didn't Obliviate him to avoid brain damage, even though the risk of those memories breaking free when Snape's mind was strained was great, Dumbledore was confident in his ability to simply repress them again if needed. Only twenty-four hours have passed since the old meddler suppressed Severus' good memories of Harry, but it feels like longer doesn't it?

Thank you for your reviews and patience, and honestly, I'm glad I've found a new outlet in my HP/Marvel crossover world so I don't get too sad and bogged down in trying to get my characters out of the awful scenarios I've created. I hope this chapter doesn't feel too short and that it helps clear some things up.