Freshman Year
"God, I hate half the people in this class," Quinn complained while we sat in Biology class.
"We don't know any of them, " I said.
"I still hate them."
"Ladies..." our teacher paused his lecture to look at us. "Is there something you want to share with the class? You seem to have a lot to say." As he spoke, all I could do was stare at the bald shiny spot on the top of his head. It had been very distracting that whole class period.
"Sorry," Quinn forced in a low voice.
Mr. Bald turned his attention back to the class and continued his lecture.
It was my second day of high school. I was pretty happy with the six classes I had gotten. Quinn was in two of them and Sugar was in my Art class. My Biology class was my first class of the day. I liked it because Mr. Bald was a pretty cool teacher for the most part. He was one of those teachers who thought they were still young and understood our generation.
After he finished the lecture, he passed out a few worksheets and turned the radio on to a mainstream station. "I'm going to do roll call as you do your work," he announced. He began calling out our names and when he was done he asked, "Did I get everyone?"
At that moment, the backdoor opened; I sat in the last table so I had a clear view of it.
"Ah, you're a day late!" Mr. Bald joked. "What's your name?" He asked while looking down at his roll call sheet.
She caught my eye and then looked back at the teacher. "Brittany."
/
During lunch Quinn did what she did best and bitched about Brittany being in our class. "I already hate everyone in there and now we have to put up with the Gay Girl."
"She's Bi, remem-"
"Shut up, Puck," Quinn silenced him. "I bet she's only saying that to get attention. That's what "bisexual" people really want. That or she's a full lesbian and doesn't want to admit it. Either way, she's disgusting. This is probably her clever idea to gain popularity now that we're in high school."
Quinn's last comment got me thinking. I still didn't know if what they said about Brittany's sexuality was true or just a rumor. I hadn't seen her with a girl. I had hardly seen her at all. But maybe Quinn was right and this was just a way for her to gain some popularity now that we were starting high school. Maybe she thought she'd gain friends this way. It made sense, except I couldn't imagine Brittany doing anything like that. She was too sweet of a person to do stuff like that.
When I had first heard the rumor about her, I thought about it for a few days. I didn't want to believe it because I hate gossip, but I thought that if she was indeed bisexual, then the attraction she had had for me might of been more than just a friendly attraction. If that was the case then... Well, I didn't really know how to feel about that.
I needed to know if it was true or not. I thought about it everyday. I didn't understand why it was so important for me to know, but I classified it as pure curiosity and decided to ask the person who I knew would know the truth.
/
"Hey, Sugar." I hung my backpack on my chair and pulled out my drawing utensils.
Sugar and Brittany still hung out together. They were practically best friends. If there was someone who knew the truth about Brittany it would be Sugar.
"Hi! Can I borrow one of your pencils?" She asked. "I totally forgot all my art stuff."
"Of course," I answered with a little too much enthusiasm. I handed her a pencil and sat down. "Umm..." I cleared my throat. "Can I ask you something?"
"Mhm," she replied as she began drawing a rose.
I looked around to make sure no one was watching us and leaned closer to her. "Is what they say about Brittany true?"
She paused her hand's movement and looked at me. "Why don't you ask her? I'm sure she wouldn't mind telling you if it's true or not."
"Sugar, c'mon. Just tell me. You know I don't talk to her."
"Why do you want to know? Why does it matter?"
I leaned back on my chair in an attempt to look disinterested. "It doesn't. I'm just curious."
"Well, if you're super curious you can ask Brittany and know before the day is over."
"By not telling me, you're making it seem like it is true. Did you know that?" I asked.
She shrugged. "Maybe I just want to respect Brittany and not feed the gossip that's going around about her."
"So it isn't true then. It's just gossip?"
"I didn't say that."
I groaned. "You suck. Thanks for nothing."
Sugar smiled and continued drawing her rose. "Thanks for the pencil."
/
Of course I never asked Brittany if it was true or not. I had plenty of opportunities since I saw her every other day during Biology class, but I'd never go up to her and ask her such a dumb question.
One gloomy morning though, as we were waiting outside the classroom for Mr. Bald to arrive, Brittany leaned against the wall next to me and greeted me with a simple, "Hi."
I looked to my right to make sure she wasn't talking to the person next to me. When I realized she was talking to me, I replied, "Oh, hi." This was the first time we had actually spoken to each other since we had started school.
"Where's Quinn?" She asked.
"She's running a little late."
Brittany nodded and I began to wonder why she was talking to me. I wondered why she always seemed to forget how awful I'd been to her.
A giggle broke my train of thought and brought me back to reality. I looked at Brittany and saw her staring at me with a smile.
"What?" I asked, matching her smile.
She shook her head. "Nothing." She crossed her arms across her torso and shrunk a little against the cold air.
"Are you cold? Do you want to borrow my sweater?" I asked out of what I thought was good-will intuition, but the truth is I don't regularly offer my sweaters to people.
"What?" She turned to me and watched as I shook my fleece off. "Oh, no, no. I'm okay."
I finished slipping my arms out of it and held it out to her. "Here. Take it."
"No, Santana. I'm fine, really. "
It had been a while since I had heard her say my name and I realized I kind of missed it. "Take it, please."
With a shy smile, Brittany gave in and slipped it on. "Thanks," she all but whispered. She tucked her chin in as she pulled the zipper up along her torso, paused, then turned to look at me. "It's true."
I felt my eyebrows push together in confusion. "Huh?"
"The rumor about me. It's true... I heard you were wondering, so..." She shrugged.
"Oh." I nodded my head once. "Okay."
I didn't talk to her for the rest of the day, and when class was over she walked out with out giving me my sweater back. I guessed she had forgotten, but I didn't really mind. Plus, I didn't know if I was ready to talk to her again. She had just confirmed she was bisexual and I didn't know if that meant my theory was correct and she had felt more than what friends feel for each other. I also didn't know this then, but that confirmation marked the beginning of a huge change in my life.
/
"All your music sucks. It's all like, black music. Why don't you have some Justin Timberlake or something like that," Quinn complained as we got to Biology class one morning. "You don't live in South Central you know?"
I snatched my new Ipod from her. "I'm not suppose to upload music you like. It is my Ipod for my music."
She re-adjusted one of my ear buds into her ear. "All I'm saying is that you should listen to music that doesn't talk about bitches and money once in a while."
"Whatever," I said as we took our seats.
"Hi." A pair of pale hands softly planted themselves on our lab table.
I looked up and for the first time ever I felt something I had never felt around anyone before. I felt nervous. It wasn't the class presentation type of nervous though. This version of it was foreign to me. "Hey, Brittany," I said in my best casual voice.
"You got the new Ipod?" She asked, eyeing the device in my hand. "What are you listening to?"
"We're listening to music. What else could it be?" Quinn took the Ipod from me and changed the track. "Go away, Brittany," she ordered bluntly.
"Quinn!" I scolded. "Stop being such a bitch!"
Quinn turned to look at me wide-eyed.
"It's okay," Brittany announced. "I'm going to go get started on the classwork." She held up her hand as to say good-bye and walked back to her seat.
Brittany kept her distance after that incident. We sometimes had small chit-chats before class or while we were gathering our dissecting supplies by the back table but nothing more. She always seemed to cut the conversation short, which sucked for me because I really liked to listen to her talk. I wasn't a fan of science, but she knew her stuff and I loved to hear her explain things even though I didn't understand what she was talking about half the time, so I often asked her stupid questions so that I could pretend to listen to her when really, I was just enjoying the way she so vividly explained the process of cell division.
One day, I caught myself walking towards her table. When I stopped next to her seat, I stared down at her and forced myself to stay put. "Brittany?"
She stopped her writing to look at me. "Oh, hi."
"Hey. Um... So you know how we have to do that stupid DNA presentation?" I waited for her to nod. "Well, Quinn and I are pairing up, but we need another person, so I was wondering if you want to be in our group?"
She smiled for a second but then a worried expression formed on her face. "Quinn wants me in her group?"
"Yeah, totally. She doesn't get any of this and knows you're super smart, so she definitely wants you in our group. She probably won't do any work, but I'll help you do everything. All you have to do is explain it to me cause I'm a little lost, but I'll do whatever you say. I promise."
Her smile returned. "Sooo... It's kind of just going to be me and you in the group?"
"Well, Quinn is still gonna be with us, but I guess, yeah."
Brittany watched me for a moment. I didn't know if she was thinking about it or I had something on my face. After a few seconds, still holding her smile, she closed her book and gathered her things. "Let's get started."
/
The truth is, Quinn wasn't 100% on board with the idea of Brittany being in our group, but she did like the idea of not doing anything and getting credit, so she kept quiet for once and allowed Brittany to work with us.
"So let me make sure I get this," I started. "The red fruit loop will be Ademine-"
"Adenine," Brittany corrected with a soft smile.
I pointed my index finger at her. "Right, Adenine. Okay, the green fruit loop will be Thymine, the purple Guanine, and the yellow Cytosine?"
"Mhm," Brittany nodded as she slipped the fruit loops one by one into the DNA model we were building.
"Okay, I don't think I'm going to remember that."
"That's okay. You can ask me as many times as you need to. I don't mind."
"I don't want to annoy you."
"You won't."
"You're both annoying me," I heard Quinn groan next to me. She ate a fruit loop then asked, "Are you guys even going to finish this today? It's Friday and it's due Monday."
"We would probably finish it if you'd help us," I said.
"That wasn't the deal."
I glared at her but didn't allow myself to argue with her. Not in front of Brittany. "Maybe we can take this home and work on it?" I suggested to Brittany. "I'm sure my mom wouldn't mind if you come over to my house to finish it."
"To your house?" A fruit loop slipped from Brittany's fingers and she bent down to pick it up off the floor.
"Yeah," I confirmed. "I don't think it'll take too long to finish. We can watch a movie or something after. Have you ever seen Sweet Valley High? My mom just bought me the DVD set."
"No, I've never heard of it."
"What? Okay, you have to come over. Meet me by the front entrance after school, okay? We can walk to my house together."
/
Brittany didn't meet me by the gate after school. I waited for her until the herd of students rushing out of the gate began to thin out, then I received a text message from a unknown number.
Hi Santana. I forgot I have to buy food for my cat today. He gets really mad when he doesnt have food, so I cant go to ur house but dont worry I will finish our project and bring it back on Monday. :)
The message was quickly followed by a second text.
This is Brittany btw. Sugar gave me ur number.
I frowned. I didn't think it was fair that she was going to have to do all the work. Quinn was already doing absolutely nothing. I didn't want to take advantage of Brittany too.
I looked at my phone again and began typing. I don't think you should do it all on your own. How about I go to your house?
A few minutes passed by and I began to think she wasn't going to reply, but then my phone beeped.
Its okay. I can do it on my own. Please dont come over.
'Please don't come over.' I didn't know how to take that. To be honest, I felt a little offended, but after thinking about it, I thought that maybe Brittany was just trying to be really nice and polite, so I decided to respect her request and waited to see her the following week.
That Monday she was quieter than usual and the only time she said more than a few words was when we presented our project, which we obviously received an A for since it had been done mostly by Brittany.
"Brittany, seriously thanks so much for working with us. We would have never gotten an A on our own." I said as Brittany sat back down at her desk.
"It's no problem," she said kindly.
"Um... So, I was thinking that maybe we could go to the burger joint down the street after school. I could buy you lunch as a thank you?"
"Oh, that's okay. You don't have to do that."
"But I want to. I heard the burgers are really good. C'mon you can't say no to free food."
Brittany chuckled. "Thank you, Santana, but I just... I can't- right now."
"Oh. Okay. That's okay. Um... maybe some other time then?"
She nodded. "Yeah, maybe."
A few days later, that same week, without any warning, Brittany transferred out of the class. When I texted her to ask why she had done that, she said she hadn't been enjoying the class, which I knew was a complete lie.
That was the last time she answered any of my text messages.
/
Sophomore Year
During the next school year, we rarely had any interactions. But it was during that time that I became extremely self-conscious when I was around her. We had the same English class and sat across the room from each other but that didn't seem to affect her in any way. She hardly ever looked my way. The most I ever got from her was one of those weird tight sealed smiles that strangers give you.
I wanted to talk to her. I really did. But not only was I too nervous to go anywhere near her, but I was also worried I'd come off as annoying. She obviously wanted nothing to do with me. I could take a hint. And that was fair. I deserved it. But it didn't change the fact that I was developing strange feelings for her.
There was one day when I was told to pass back everyone's English papers. When I came across Brittany's report, I swallowed thickly. This was my chance to talk to her. I had an excuse to go up to her. But god was I nervous, so, so, nervous. I looked across the room and began walking her way. When I got to her, her back was facing me and I noticed she was doing something really weird and ridiculous. She was plucking a boy's eyebrows. Like with tweezers. The way a girl would for another girl.
"Brittany?" I said. The tone of my voice was calm and collected, which surprised me.
She turned her neck, her bright blue eyes surprised to see me standing there. The awkward smile that I had come to know so well appeared on her face. "Hey."
"Your paper." I held out the white sheet.
"Oh, Than-"
I don't know what came over me at that moment, I honestly don't, but I flicked my wrist upwards, moving the paper away from her reach. Her thin lips frowned a little and I quickly held out the paper again. When she reached for it, I pulled it away the same way. I could feel myself smiling. I didn't know why I was doing what I was doing. I just felt like being silly. I didn't even care that that kid Kurt and his freshly tweezed eyebrows were staring at me. When Brittany looked up and saw me smiling she smiled back. A genuine smile. Not a stranger's smile.
I finally allowed her to take the paper from me. "Thank you," she said, still grinning.
As I continued to hand back assignments, I thought about how childish I had acted, but I didn't really care because I had finally gotten a real smile from her. I looked back at Brittany, hoping to see that smile again but was disappointed when I saw her giggling and shaking her head at something Kurt had said. They both looked up at me at the same time and when Brittany caught my eye she shyly adverted my gaze.
/
Junior Year
"I told you you needed to practice your blocking!" Quinn scolded as we dressed back into our street clothes in the locker rooms. "That's the only reason why Coach didn't pick you! If you had kept up with the practice schedule I made for us then this wouldn't have happened."
I slammed my locker shut and grabbed my duffle bag before heading for the exit.
"Hey! Santana! Wait!" I heard Quinn's yelling become more distant as I walked further away from her and closer to the door. When I turned a corner I bumped into Brittany.
"Sorry," I quickly said and tried to go around her.
"Wait!" She said, gently stepping in front of me to block my path. "It sucks you didn't make the volleyball team. I watched your try outs and I thought you did really good."
As expected, I was surprised she was talking to me. It was my turn to give her the awkward stranger smile. "Thanks."
"It- It would have been nice to have you on the team."
My heart fluttered. "You think so?" I asked.
"Yeah. I think you're a really good player. It would have been good for the team."
The team. Right.
I shrugged my slumped shoulders. "Maybe next year."
"I hope so," she said with a smile; a smile I for once couldn't match.
/
Senior Year
The Senior Square. I think every high school has their own version of The Senior Square. For us it was a squared grass area in the main quad where all the "cool seniors" had lunch. Having said that, I still wonder how I ended up there. I guess I could say it was thanks to Quinn because even though I hate to admit it, she was quite popular. Not nearly as popular as Brittany had become though, which irritated Quinn like crazy.
Brittany had transformed into quite the superstar. She was now best friends with Kurt, who had come out as gay, and a very promiscuous girl named Joanna. She did not only have very infamous friendships, but among other things, she had just finished basketball season as captain of the varsity team, was a member of the Associated Student Body, a member of the Straight and Gay alliance club, and was very, very good looking. I mean, she had always been pretty to me, but that year she was just blossomed. She was becoming a woman. A very lean, athletic, yet feminine woman. She was extremely popular among the boys and the few girls who didn't hate her for being so popular.
As for me, I was still the friendless girl who was always self-aware around her even though she didn't even care to glance at me. And I say friendless because sure I had Quinn and her new clan of senior cheerleader friends, but none of them were really my friends, not even Quinn.
"Did you guys hear the rumor about what happened at Puck's party last night?" I heard one of the cheerleaders comment as I silently ate my slice of pizza; school lunches were always so nutritious.
"You mean the story about the girl who broke the water fountain by go-go dancing on it?" Another girl asked.
"No, not that. I heard someone saw that Brittany girl and her friend Joanna making out."
I stopped chewing.
"Did you hear anything about that, Quinn?" The girl asked her.
Quinn shook her head. "No. Wouldn't surprise me though. They're both sluts."
"I know Brittany is Bi or whatever," the cheerleader continued. "But doesn't she have a boyfriend? I think he's some soccer player kid from Carmel High."
I discreetly turned to look at Brittany who ate lunch at the center of the square, and saw her resting her head on Kurt's shoulder. Her eyes were closed but she couldn't have been sleeping because they were standing. I guessed the previous night must have been one hell of a party.
Intrigued by what I had heard during lunch, I went home that night and did what some people might call snooping, but I just like to call it research. I mean, why is Facebook even available if it's not to snoop and stalk. Well, that's an irrelevant question because I didn't do either of those things. It was strict research.
I first scrolled down my timeline in hopes that someone had posted something about the party, particularly about Brittany and a make out, but I found nothing more than pictures of drunk people. I skimmed through them pretty fast, uninterested in idiots getting high and drunk. It wasn't until I came across a picture with a half naked Blonde in the background that I took my time to examine the photo. This girl was wearing some booty shorts and a bra and was busy taking a shot with a group of people. Her face was obscured by her arm but when my mouse went over her, Brittany S. Pierce appeared as a tag.
Without hesitating, I clicked on her name which brought up her profile. She had posted some pictures of the party and I remember thinking she looked extremely sexy in her bra and shorts. I allowed myself to look at them one by one and noticed Joanna was in a lot of them, but there was definitely no kissing in any of the pictures. They really just looked like good friends.
I checked the time at the corner of my computer screen and groaned when I saw how late it was. I had something important to do the next morning, so I quickly clicked on her basic information tab to snoop one last thing.
I am: Female
Birthday: Feb 6, 1994
Interested In: Men & Women
Relationship status: In a relationship
Well.
/
"Congratulations, Lopez. You're in," Coach Roz announced.
"Really?"I asked excitedly.
She stared at me. "No, I meant George Lopez made the team. He's our new libero. Girl, you better not be the type to ask stupid questions or I will kick you off this team with my very own damn foot!"
"Sorry. I'm not that type. I swear."
Her eyes narrowed to slits. "Go get a drink of water. We're starting our first practice."
"Today?"
She snapped back to look at me. "What did I just tell you!"
"Sorry!" I hurried to the bleachers were my bottled water sat and began unscrewing the top. As I took a long refreshing sip of my water, a girl by the name of Stephany came up to me. I wouldn't say we were friends, but we talked a few times.
"Hey, Santana. Congrats on making the team. You're a super good setter."
"Thanks," I replied.
"Hey, can I ask you a question?"
I nodded.
"Don't take this the wrong way, but I was just wondering if... Are you gay?
I quickly swallowed my water before I had the chance to spit it all over her face. "What? No. I- I'm not."
"Are you sure? Cause you don't have a sexual orientation listed on your Facebook and I've never seen you with any guy. I mean it's cool if you are. I don't care. I was just curious."
I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe this girl was asking me such a question.
"I'm sure, Stephany. I'm not gay."
"Brittany! Did I not tell you to be here for the try outs?" I heard Coach Roz ask with irritation in her voice. "Just because you're team captain don't mean you can come in when you damn well please, Hat Rack! I still make the rules here!"
"Sorry, Coach," I heard Brittany say.
I didn't even bother turning around to see the commotion. I silently packed up my things and began to slip out the side of the gym.
"Where are you going?" Stephany asked. "We have practice."
"Salsa Caliente!" Coach Roz yelled, making me pick up the pace. "Lopez!"
I almost ran out the gym and kept moving until I got to my car. I sat in there for almost an hour thinking about what had just happened. Was I gay? I had subtlety always thought about girls being the most beautiful creatures on this planet. I had even developed one or two light crushes on pretty girls. Not once had I felt anything for a boy, ever. I guess I had always known what I was but never really thought about it. I was okay without falling in love or dating anyone. I was fine. I had no reason to think about what I felt or what I was; until that day. Someone had finally asked the question I had never asked myself. And I quickly realized what the answer was. Yes, I was gay. But that night I realized something far more important. I realized that I had feelings for Brittany. Feelings which I had had for a long, long time.
/
My dramatic exit from the gym and the fact that I never stepped foot in there again had been interpreted as I hoped by Coach Roz and the team; as a resignation. I was a quitter and had nothing going for me, so I decided to join journalism. And because I'm the luckiest person in the world, my first assignment was to interview the captain of the volleyball team after their big win.
"Hey Sugar? Do you want to switch interviews with me?"
I occasionally spoke to Sugar throughout our time in high school, but when we both ended up in the same journalism class, we became closer friends. I even ditched Quinn and started hanging out with her.
Sugar looked up from her laptop and asked, "Who are you interviewing?"
"The volleyball team."
"Pass."
"Ugh, c'mon Sugar! You're interviewing the president of the Green Earth Club. Like that's any better. Just switch with me. I hate writing about sports."
"Too bad. We all get crappy stories. Just do it."
I rolled my eyes and began writing my interview questions.
/
"Okay, so um... We could just sit here if you want," I said, and motioned to the bench near by.
Brittany nodded. "Sure."
Once I settled on the bench with her - as far as possible as I could be with out making it look too obvious - I opened my notebook and kept my head down as I asked my first question. "How does it feel to have so much success this early in the season?"
As the interview went on, I tried to avoid looking at her as much as possible. Just knowing that I was in her presence made my palms sweaty. "Okay last question, um... If you could improve one area of the team what would it be?"
"Hmmm..." Brittany hummed as she thought about her answer. "Our offence. Stephany is definitely a great setter, but I think we would have done a lot better if you had stayed on the team."
My writing came to a halt and I slowly looked up at her. "I'm... I- Thanks for that, but I don't think we can put that in."
"Why not?" She asked, innocently. "It's the truth."
"I just- I don't think it's going to make Stephany very happy."
Brittany twisted her lips in thought then nodded. "You're right. I guess we can just go with our offence. That's it."
"Okay." I wrote down her last answer then closed my notebook. Before I could say anything Brittany spoke.
"Can I ask you a question now?"
I let the question linger in the air for a moment before nodding.
"Why did you quit the team?"
Crap. People had been asking me the same question but I somehow always got out of answering. "Oh. I... Well..." I wanted to tell her the truth. I wanted to tell her I quit because I couldn't be around her without feeling like a bundle of nerves. That every time I saw her, I felt like a shivering Chihuahua because my feelings for her were growing stronger every day. "It just wasn't for me."
"But you've always loved volleyball. I mean, I remember you liking it a lot."
My chest filled with warmth at the thought of her thinking back to our elementary days on the volleyball courts.
"Yeah, I did. But..." I shrugged. "I realized I don't feel the same about it anymore. I guess I've changed."
"Well, that's okay. We all change. I think it's a good thing."
I smiled at that and tried to move on from the topic by asking if I could snap her picture to go along side with the article I was going to write.
"Where should we take it?" She asked.
"Against this wall is fine."
Her nose scrunched up in an adorable way. "How about next to these flowers?" She stood next to a bulk of lilies. "They're pretty, right?"
Not as pretty as you, I thought. "Yeah, they're great."
After placing her hands on her hips, she smiled a goofy kind of smile and I snapped the picture.
"I wish you still liked volleyball," she said, bringing her hands down to her sides. "It would have been super cool to have you in the team."
My cheeks flushed a little and I shyly grinned. "Thanks, Britt."
/
During the last month of our senior year, the universe decided to throw curveball after curveball at me. I ran into Brittany so often that I thought I had began to unconsciously stalk her. I ran into her in the bathroom, in the lockers, in the halls; I mean she was everywhere! And the worst part of it was that we never once said hello to each other. It was as if we had never had that talk on the bench. Not only was she still giving me the stranger's smile, but I was now returning it.
The last days of high school trickled down and when graduation came along I didn't have the courage to walk up to her and congratulate her. I watched her celebrate with her family from afar and wished I could have gotten one last stranger's smile.