Saviour - What if the men Shelby gave her baby to hadn't been the loving parents she thought they would be
Rating - T
Characters - Shelby & Rachel
A/N -I'm overwhelmed by the amount of people who commented/followed/favourited this story! I never thought it would be so popular. It seemed to take on a life of its own as I was writing, so this is part 2/3. Enjoy!
Once they were back home Shelby helped Rachel hang all her new clothes in the closet and set out the things she'd chosen for her room, "there we go" Shelby smiled as she fluffed the final pillow, the bed now made up in the new sheets, "much more homely. We can look at redecorating once you've had time to settle in a little."
"Thank you" Rachel smiled as she stepped from the closet, "where would you like me to put these?" she asked, gesturing to the empty bags she held in her hands.
"Give them here" Shelby took them from her daughter, "I'll put them downstairs. I keep them in the kitchen, I'll show you where and then if you ever need a bag for anything you can just help yourself." Rachel nodded and Shelby smiled, "how about we go get a drink and then sit down and have that chat?"
"O…okay" Rachel's face fell. She had no idea what Shelby wanted to talk about and that terrified her. She knew all along that sooner or later Shelby would start asking questions but she didn't realise it would come so soon. She frowned slightly as looked round, realising she was sat on the couch with a glass of juice in her hand. She couldn't even remember leaving her room. Wasn't Shelby going to show her something?
"Rach, Rachel" Rachel snapped her attention back to her mother when she heard her calling her name, "are you okay?"
"Yeah" Rachel nodded, looking up at Shelby who was sat on the coffee table in front of her but not quite meeting her eye, "sorry."
"It's okay. I just thought, well we don't really know anything about each other, and I'm sure there are things you want to know about me so I thought it might be a good idea to try and get to know each other a little better, 20 questions so to speak but not limited to 20. I'm rambling again, sorry."
Rachel smiled, "I, it's okay, I ramble sometimes too."
Shelby returned the smile, "well now you know where you got it from" she laughed slightly. "So what do you want to know about me?"
Rachel thought for a moment, she didn't want to ask anything too personal in case she angered her, "Erm... where do you work?" she finally asked.
"Carmel High School, I teach English and I'm the show choir coach." She waited to see if Rachel said anything in response and when she didn't Shelby took it as her cue to ask, "what's your favourite subject at school?" She decided to play it safe for now, there were several, more personal questions that Shelby wanted to know the answers to but she knew she had to gain Rachel's trust first.
"I like music" Rachel said with her head bowed, "and English". It was true, music and English were her two favourite subjects with biology coming in a close third but now she knew what her mother did she didn't want her to think she was just saying that to please her.
"What a coincidence" Shelby laughed, "I was a complete science nerd at your age. I loved Chemistry and Physics. I only got into music when I was about sixteen and I tagged along on a friends birthday trip to New York and we saw almost everything that was on Broadway at the time, or at least it felt like we did. It was then I knew I wanted to be on stage but I didn't think Chemistry and Physics were good minors for a major in music theatre so I ended up doing English. I thought it might help with scripts and things." She waited for Rachel to ask her something before prompting, "it's your turn."
"Do you have any siblings?" Rachel played it safe once again.
"Yeah, two brothers and a sister, Matt, Luke and Amy. I'm the oldest, Matt's three years younger than me, Luke's five years younger and Amy's almost nine years younger than I am. What's your favourite colour?"
"Purple" Rachel said without hesitating, "what's yours?"
"I like purple too" Shelby nodded, "it seems like we're more alike than I ever thought."
They went backwards and forwards for almost an hour before Shelby moved on to the things she really wanted to talk about, "last night" Shelby approached the subject cautiously, "does that happen often?"
Rachel took a shaky breath, "I'm sorry, I, I have this nightmare sometimes, it, it's not really vivid but it, I don't know, I can't stop it and I can't wake up. I'm sorry."
"You've got nothing to be sorry for" Shelby said sincerely, accidents happen to everyone, I just wondered if it was something you needed to see a doctor about but if it's because of a nightmare then I doubt it's a medical problem." She could see that Rachel didn't believe her when she said everybody had accidents so she tried to reassure her, "I wet myself when I was pregnant with you" she told Rachel, continuing her story when she saw Rachel look up at her, "It was about five weeks before you were born" she began to explain, "you woke me up, you were fidgeting like crazy, I used to think you were tap dancing in there or something. I tried singing to you, it usually calmed you down but it didn't work so I rolled over and you rolled onto my bladder. I honestly didn't think I was going to be able to get out of bed but I did, I'd just stood up and you moved again and I couldn't hold it, I wet myself."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be, it wasn't your fault, it was just one of those things, it's not like you did it on purpose or anything." They sat in silence for a while before Shelby spoke again, "Rachel, I, I need to ask, are you, or have you ever been sexually active?" She was pretty certain Rachel had been neglected by her fathers but she needed to know how far they'd gone but she didn't want to push the girl, Rachel would talk about her fathers when she was ready.
"No" Rachel shook her head, "I'm still a virgin."
"Okay" Shelby put her hand on Rachel's knee, "I'm going to make you an appointment with a paediatrician, I'm pretty certain you're underweight but I want to make sure there's nothing else wrong and that all your vaccinations are up to date. I was going to make you an appointment with my gynaecologist but if you're not having sex yet we can leave that for a while" she smiled softly, "have you started your periods yet?"
Rachel shook her head, "no, not yet."
"We can pick some things up when we go grocery shopping" Shelby told Rachel, "put them in your bathroom for you so we're ready." She smiled, she didn't want Rachel to feel like this was a lecture, "we can mention it to the doctor if you're worried" Rachel nodded and Shelby continued, "I'm not going to give you a lecture or tell you about the birds and the bees because I'm sure you've had all that at school right?" Rachel nodded and Shelby continued, "so I won't repeat all that but I know that this is a confusing time for you and I want you to know that I'm here for you, if you have any questions about your body, or about boys, about anything, any questions, or if you're worried about anything no matter how embarrassing you think it is, you can come to me okay, any time, night or day I'll drop anything for you."
Rachel nodded, "you don't have to, you must be busy, I'll try not to bother you."
"No" Shelby said a little harsher than she meant to, "I want you to bother me. I don't want you to feel like you can't come to me because you can Rachel, if I'm busy and you want to talk I'll make time for you, you are my daughter and I want you to forget everything your fathers told you because from now on you are my number one priority, if you're not happy I'll drop everything to change that. I know this is going to be a big learning curve for both of us and I don't expect us to go from being strangers to mother and daughter over night but I hope you'll work with me, I hope you'll let me in and learn to trust me because I'm not going anywhere sweetheart" she took Rachel's hand and squeezed it softly, "even when you're forty with a family of your own I will never be more than a phone call away. I know how tough it is growing up and I feel lucky that I had an amazing mother who I could talk to about anything and I hope one day you'll feel like that towards me, I want you to be able to tell me you've met a really great guy and you're thinking about having sex with him, I want you to be able to talk to me about contraception and drugs and alcohol and anything else that might be on your mind. I get that it might be hard for a while but promise me you'll try, if there's something on your mind you feel like you can't approach me about write me a letter, send me a text, let me start the conversation. I know I'm rambling on but I just" a single tear rolled down Shelby's cheek, "I just want you to know that I hate that I've not been there Rachel and I love you so much, I, I just want to show you how much I love you, how much I've always loved you."
Tears were rolling steadily down both Rachel and Shelby's cheeks by the time Rachel finally spoke, "could I, could I maybe have a hug?"
Shelby was quick to pull Rachel onto her lap, cradling her like a baby she began to rock her crying daughter, "you never have to ask for a hug darling."
"I missed you" Rachel whispered as she began to cry harder, "I never knew who you were but I missed you."
"Oh sweetheart" Shelby sighed as she rubbed Rachel's back, "you've got me now and I'm not going anywhere." She felt her shirt get damp and Rachel clung to the thin fabric as she cried, "shh" she continued rocking and rubbing at Rachel's back, "you let it out, let it all out."
"I, I'm, so...rry" Rachel's breath caught in her throat as she sobbed.
Shelby finally gave in and kissed Rachel's head, "you've got nothing to be sorry for" they sat for a while before Shelby began to get uncomfortable and she stood from the coffee table, easily lifting Rachel in her arms.
"What.." Rachel was confused as she felt Shelby lift her up.
"I thought the sofa would be more comfortable than the coffee table" she smiled as she sat on the sofa and settled Rachel back in her lap, "I mean it Rachel, I'm not going anywhere, I'm going to be there whenever you need me, and I'll be honest I'm probably going to be around when you don't want me to be. You're stuck with me forever now" she said with a smile. She saw Rachel yawn, "close your eyes baby, get some sleep, I'll still be here when you wake up."
"I'm sat on you" Rachel whispered.
"Are you comfortable?"
Rachel nodded, "but you must..."
Shelby shook her head, "if you're comfortable then I'm fine too." She briefly took one arm from around Rachel and reached down the side of the sofa to pull the lever that lifted the foot rest and made her seat recline, "come on" she pulled the blanket she and Rachel had used the previous day and wrapped it around them both, "I could do with a nap too."
Rachel didn't know what time it was when she woke but she could see it was dark outside as well as inside. She shut her eyes again she heard Shelby sigh, Shelby was still holding her tightly and Rachel didn't want to give that up just yet. "I shouldn't have given you away" Shelby whispered as she ran her fingers gently through Rachel's hair, "I should have fought for you. I should have torn up that paper and taken you home from the hospital myself. I love you so much baby, I hope you can see that, I hope I never let you down." Rachel had to screw her eyes shut to stop her own tears from falling. She already trusted Shelby so much and it hadn't even been 24 hours since her fathers had left her on the woman's doorstep and Rachel hated herself, she hated herself for being so open with her mother, so trusting, so weak, but what she hated even more was that a big part of her was almost waiting for Shelby to get bored, to find out how annoying she was, a part of her was waiting for Shelby to leave too.
"Rach" Shelby shook Rachel slowly, "Rachel, wake up darling".
Rachel groaned and stretched as she pretended to wake up, "what time is it?"
Shelby made no effort to move Rachel from her lap, "it's 6.30, if you sleep any longer you might not sleep tonight. Do you feel any better now?"
Rachel nodded, "I'm sorry about earlier, I didn't mean to cry so much."
"It's okay" Shelby kissed Rachel's head, "you can cry all you like, it can be pretty cathartic. I always feel better after a good cry, it makes me feel lighter too but I suspect if you got any lighter you'd float away" Shelby joked. Rachel was shocked, her mother had just admitted that she still cried, something her fathers had always told her only babies did, "I'm getting hungry" Shelby said a while later, "would you like to help me cook something? I don't have much in until we go grocery shopping tomorrow but I'm sure we could rustle something up."
Rachel smiled genuinely, "that would be good" she reluctantly stood from Shelby's lap, "could I use the bathroom first?"
"Of course" Shelby stood and stretched, "you don't need to ask to go to the bathroom, I'll be in the kitchen when you're done." Shelby was stood by the freezer when Rachel came back into the room, "how do you feel about trying chicken?" she asked, "we know you like sausage and bacon, but if you'd rather not then that's okay too." She said quickly, not wanting Rachel to feel forced into anything.
"Chicken sounds good."
"Okay" Shelby smiled, "I thought we could have it with potatoes and vegetables, so why don't you make a start on peeling and chopping" Shelby gestured to the vegetables she'd put on the sideboard, "I'll put the chicken on and then come help you." Shelby put the chicken under the grill and then moved to stand beside Rachel, chopping the vegetables her daughter had peeled and throwing them into a pan ready to cook, "what made you say you were vegan?" Shelby finally asked the question that had been playing on her mind since that morning.
"My fathers told me to tell people I was a vegan" Rachel whispered, "it was mainly a reason for not eating lunch, they never gave me lunch money and it wasn't often that we had food in the house for me to make something to take with me."
"Okay, well we'll be going grocery shopping tomorrow so you'll have to decide whether you want to buy things from the store to take to school or if you'd rather I gave you lunch money. From now on you get three meals a day at the very least. I don't want you to ever worry about going hungry and if there's ever anything on your plate that you don't like then just say so and we'll find you something else to eat.
"Thank you" Rachel whispered, her head still bowed as she peeled the final carrot. It broke Shelby's heart, no child should ever have to feel lucky for being given three square meals a day. When she was growing up there was always food on the table, she was lucky that her mom didn't go out to work and most days of the week Shelby came home from school to the smell of something amazing coming from the kitchen. She knew she had a huge amount of money saved in the bank for a rainy day, and not for the first time in the past 24 hours Shelby found herself thinking of resigning so she would be able to spend as much time as possible with her beautiful daughter.
Dinner passed silently like it had the previous night and it was only after Rachel had spent almost five minutes pushing pieces of food around her plate that Shelby asked of she was finished, "I'm sorry" Rachel whispered, stabbing a piece of chicken and some potato and forcing them into her mouth.
"Hey" Shelby reached across the table and laid her hand on Rachel's, "I didn't mean it like that. I was just going to clear away the plates, that's all darling."
Rachel looked shocked, "but, but I haven't cleared my plate."
"Have you had enough?"
Rachel bowed her head, "I should be grateful for what you've given me, I shouldn't be wasting your food."
"Rachel, baby, if you're full I would much rather throw some food in the bin than have you force feed yourself and end up making yourself sick. In this house food is neither a punishment nor a reward okay, if you're hungry you eat, if you're not hungry you don't. If you've had enough now we'll clear the plates away, if you feel hungry later you can have some toast or some cereal or something before you go up to bed okay, and you're welcome to help yourself to anything at any time. If you wake up at 3am and want a snack come get something. If I have to work late and you're here alone make yourself dinner if you want to." She moved around the table and gently lifted Rachel's chin so the girl had no choice but to look her mother in the eye, "baby" Shelby wiped at Rachel's damp cheeks, "I promise you that I will never, not allow you food. I can't promise you many things darling, but I can promise you will always have food and water, a safe place to sleep at night and my unconditional love. I would go without to make sure you didn't, so you don't need to worry about that any more."
Rachel looked at Shelby, her eyes full of unshed tears, "thank you."
"There's no need to thank me" Shelby hugged Rachel before reaching for the kitchen roll and wiping at Rachel's tears, "come on" Shelby pulled Rachel to her feet, "lets go watch a movie or something before we go to bed."
"But the dishes haven't be..."
"It doesn't matter" Shelby interrupted Rachel, "they'll still be there tomorrow."
It was a little after 10pm when Rachel asked if she could go to bed, a request which Shelby granted before reminding Rachel she didn't need to ask. They watched the end of the movie before walking upstairs together. "Okay, I've put the mattress protector on the bed and the spare sheets are in the top drawer right here" Shelby gestured to the drawers, "I really don't mind if you wake me up to help you change the sheets if you need to change them, but I understand if you don't want to, I bought some disinfectant wipes, I'll leave them here" she placed them on top of the drawers, "give the mattress protector a wipe before you put the clean sheets on and put your dirty laundry in here" she gestured to one of the two laundry baskets they'd bought specifically so Rachel would have somewhere to put the sheets if she had an accident, "there's no need to put them in the washing machine straight away, put them in here and we can sort them out in the morning, and if you don't want to mess about changing sheets then come and get in with me, I won't mind."
Rachel nodded, "okay" she whispered as she climbed in between the sheets and allowed Shelby to tuck her in slightly, "thank you."
"You don't need to thank me, darling." She kissed Rachel's head, "Good night, I've just got a couple of things to do downstairs, but then I'll be right down the hall if you need me."
Rachel nodded as Shelby moved to the door, "could you not close the door all the way?" she asked quietly.
Shelby nodded, "of course, I can leave the light on in the hall too if you think that might help you sleep?"
Rachel nodded, she hated knowing that she was behaving like a child but she remembered what she and Shelby had spoken about earlier, "yes please."
"Okay, maybe we could get you a dimmer light bulb for your light" Shelby gestured to the lamp by the bed, "have a bright one at one side for when you're reading in bed or whatever and one that isn't so bright on the other side to help you sleep."
Rachel nodded, "I think that would help" she knew Shelby wouldn't tease her or 'punish' her for not being able to sleep in the dark.
"I might have something in the garage, I'll go look tomorrow but I'll leave the hall light on tonight, now try not to worry about anything, you're safe here and unless you need anything I'll see you in the morning." She walked over to the bed and kissed Rachel's forehead again, "I love you."
Rachel smiled into the semi darkness but waited for Shelby to leave the room before whispering, "I love you too Mom."
Once she was sure Rachel was settled Shelby headed back downstairs to her office, she added Rachel to her medical insurance before ordering a laptop and a cellphone for the girl. She knew that Rachel would try and refuse the gifts but Shelby planned on telling her the cellphone was so Shelby could always find out where she was and the laptop was for homework. Shelby checked her emails and then spent a while browsing the internet before ordering an ipod for Rachel. The girl had said she loved music and as it was only a few weeks til both her birthday and Christmas and Shelby knew it would make a perfect gift. Shelby tapped her fingers on the desk as she thought about the holidays, she was pretty sure that it had been a long time since Rachel celebrated anything. Would she want to celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah? Would she be overwhelmed by Shelby's family? Would she rather stay home and do something just the two of them. Shelby yawned as she flicked off the computer, she'd have to talk to Rachel about it so there was no point worrying now.
Shelby slowly climbed the stairs and changed into her pyjamas before brushing her teeth, despite the fact she and Rachel had taken a nap that afternoon she was exhausted, all she wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep until Monday, but first she wanted to check on Rachel.
Rachel looked so peaceful as she slept and Shelby hoped that one day the girl would look that relaxed when she was awake too. Shelby sat on the edge of the bed and gently brushed a stray piece of hair back from the sleeping girls face. She knew that the next couple of days would be hectic, she needed to see her solicitor and there would be doctors visits and probably meetings with social workers and that even in the long run things wouldn't be easy but she knew that in the end, whatever it took, however much it cost her, it would be worth it, not only to have Rachel in her life but to show the girl that she deserved so much more, emotionally and physically than her fathers had ever given her.
"You are so beautiful" Shelby whispered as she ran her fingers through Rachel's hair. "I can't believe I helped make you, I can't believe you're the same tiny baby I gave away. I never forgot you" she whispered, "I thought of you every single day but you, you are so much more amazing than in my dreams. I know, I don't know. I don't know you at all, I don't know what your fathers did but I know, I know I'll try to be better than them. I'll try never to let you down. I want you to always know that you're loved. I want you to feel safe. I want you to be able to grow into the beautiful young woman you deserve to be. My beautiful girl" Shelby sighed sleepily, "my beautiful, beautiful girl. I love you so much and whatever you do I'll be so proud. I just want you to be happy darling. I hope I make you happy."
Rachel sighed in her sleep and rolled over as if she was seeking out Shelby in her sleep, 'ten more minutes' Shelby thought to herself, 'I'll just sit with her for ten more minutes and then I'll go to bed'