Saviour - What if the men Shelby gave her baby to hadn't been the loving parents she thought they would be

Rating - T

Characters - Shelby & Rachel

A/N - Someone asked about my use of the term 'doctors surgery', I'm from the North of England (Yorkshire to be precise) and that is a term we use, I suppose the American equivalent would be 'doctors office' and I'll try and remember that for next time.

Lyrics in italics from Alanis Morisette -Perfect (Rachel) and Pink - Perfect (Shelby)

Shelby woke the next morning to find Rachel curled into her side, the girl looked so young as she slept, one hand firmly grasping the hem of Shelby's pyjama top, the other holding Edward Bear to her chest, Rachel had fallen asleep watching tv the night before and as Shelby had carried her up the stairs she'd been reluctant to leave her daughter alone, so once again she'd fallen asleep holding her baby tightly. Shelby decided as she waited for Rachel to wake, today they were going to do something, anything to try and replace Rachel's memories of bad times with her fathers with good times with her mother. The park! Shelby smiled to herself, it was cold but the forecast hadn't predicted rain and hopefully they'd have the whole place to themselves. Shelby wasn't sure if Hiram and Leroy had ever taken Rachel to the park, but, in her opinion, you were never too old to swing.

"Morning beautiful" Shelby smiled as Rachel began to stir, "how are you feeling?"

"I'm okay" Rachel said softly, watching as Shelby frowned slightly, "really, I am."

"Okay" Shelby nodded, she trusted Rachel to tell her if anything was bothering her, "are you ready for breakfast? I thought we could go out for a walk or something this morning, get out of the house and into the fresh air for a while. Of course if you'd rather we just stayed home and watched tv then that's fine too."

Rachel smiled, "a walk sounds good."

Shelby returned the smile before kissing Rachel's forehead, "I'm going to go make a start on breakfast, are you coming down or do you want to stay here and I'll call you when breakfast's ready?"

Rachel yawned and stretched, "I need to use the bathroom" she said quietly, "but then can I come down and help?"

"Sure" Shelby kissed her again before standing from the bed, "just come down when you're ready."

"Do I need to get dressed?"

"Only if you want to, I'm not going to get changed until after breakfast but you can get changed now if it's what you want."

Less than an hour after they woke Shelby and Rachel were strolling, side by side, down the street. Shelby noticed Rachel brush her hand softly a few times and as it happened for the fourth time Shelby took Rachel's hand in hers, intertwining her gloved fingers through her daughter's and squeezed her hand softly. Rachel was screaming out for physical contact and Shelby would never deny her that.

"Do you want me to push you?" Shelby asked as they reached the park and she lead Rachel over to the swings.

"I, I think I'm okay" Rachel said with a smile as she sat down, watching as Shelby sat on the swing beside her and started to swing slowly.

They sat in silence for a while before Shelby spoke, "do you want to have a competition?" she asked. Rachel looked puzzled, "come on" Shelby smiled, "let's see who can go the highest, are you ready? One, two, three." She wasn't sure if Rachel would allow herself to have fun, but almost before Shelby had got to three, the teen rocked back onto her heels before pushing herself forward, leaning back and pumping her legs as hard as she could to force her swing higher.

Shelby tried to keep up for a moment before she glanced sideways and saw the look on Rachel's face, the girl looked so excited, so carefree that Shelby's 'contest' was soon forgotten and her swing began to slow down, tears rolling down her cheeks as she watched her daughter swing.

Rachel couldn't help but smile, it had been so long since she'd been to the park, she'd forgotten how it felt to have the wind rushing through her hair, to feel like she was flying. She used to think if she swung high enough she'd be able to touch the clouds, but her fathers had told her she needed to grow up, the park was for babies, but here was her mother, encouraging her to act like a child, and Rachel knew there would be no repercussions for her 'immature' behaviour. She couldn't help but glance sideways to see if she was winning and she dug her feet into the floor, forcing her swing to a stop as she noticed Shelby was no longer swinging and had tears rolling down her cheeks, "did I, did I do something wrong?"

"No" Shelby gasped, "no baby, it's, these are happy tears, you looked so happy swinging, seeing you happy made me happy and" she shook her head, "happy tears"

"You don't think I'm too old to swing?"

"Hell no" Shelby didn't even need to think about her answer, "there's a huge tree in the back yard of my parents' house, when I was maybe five or six my Dad hung a swing from it, it's still there for my nieces and nephews to use, but my Mom and Dad both know that my sister and I still fight over who gets the first swing once the kids are all asleep." She saw Rachel didn't look too convinced, "I think if you enjoy something and it makes you happy, so long as it doesn't hurt or offend anyone then you shouldn't let anything stop you doing it darling. Do what makes you happy not what you think will make other people happy." She saw Rachel shiver slightly as she nodded, "come on" she stood and held out her hand, "let's get you warmed up."

Shelby walked with Rachel to a small café by the park, she sat Rachel at a table in the window and went to order, returning a while later with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate complete with marshmallows and cream, and a large cupcake with two plates. She placed a mug in front of Rachel before cutting the cup cake in half, giving the slightly larger piece to Rachel and keeping the smaller half for herself, "Is that for me?" Rachel asked.

Shelby nodded as she used her finger to scoop some of the frosting from her half of the cupcake, "I don't see anyone else sitting there."

"But I didn't clear my plate at breakfast" Rachel said quietly, her head bowed.

"Rachel baby, look at me" Rachel lifted her head to look her mother in the eye, "I know you can't eat everything I give you at meal times, I don't expect you to, I know it's going to take a while until you can eat what I consider to be a normal sized portion but that's okay. You never have to force yourself to eat everything on your plate. You eat until you're full okay, whether that means you have two mouthfuls or two platefuls it doesn't matter, once you're full that's it, there's nothing more to it, if you're hungry you eat, when you're full you stop okay?"

Rachel nodded slowly, "I'm sorry"

"It's okay darling, it's only been a couple of days sweetheart, it will get easier, I promise."

They walked home in silence and once they were home, Shelby changed into sweats and Rachel into leggings and a hoodie of her mother's before the two curled under the familiar blanket on the couch to watch several movies Shelby hadn't seen since her childhood.

It was a little after three when Shelby's cellphone began to ring, she grabbed it from the coffee table, "Shelby Corcoran" she answered, before listening to the person on the other end for a while and speaking again, "can't someone else deal with it? I said I wouldn't be in this we... no, I know, look have you tried the master key? Oh for God's sake" Shelby pinched the bridge of her nose, "I'll be there in half an hour but I'm not hanging around. I'll come and then I'm leaving again, I took this week off for a reason." She ended the call and slammed her phone down on the table, instantly regretting it when she saw Rachel flinch, "I'm sorry darling. That was the school, something's come up, I have to go in for something" she saw Rachel's face fall, "do you want to come with me or would you rather stay here?"

"I'll stay here" Rachel didn't look Shelby in the eye.

"I'm so sorry baby, the glee club are running their own practices this week and I have the only key for one of their equipment cupboards in my bag. I'm not sticking around, it'll take me half an hour to drive there and half an hour to drive back so I shouldn't be much longer than an hour and you are more than welcome to come along with me."

"I'll stay here" Rachel repeated, "what would you like me to do while you're gone?"

Shelby frowned, "what do you mean?"

"Chores" Rachel said quietly, "My fathers always left a list of chores for me to do while they were out. If I didn't complete them in time I got punished."

"Sweetheart" Shelby reached for Rachel's hand, "while I'm gone I want you to relax, watch some tv, go down in the basement and play the piano, read a book, there are plenty to choose from on the shelves in my office. Take a nap if you get tired, if you feel more comfortable taking a nap in my bed then that's fine, grab a snack if you're hungry. Whatever you want to do, do it. All I ask is that you clean up after yourself, if you make a snack put your dishes in the dishwasher, if you knock something over pick it up. I'll leave my cell phone number by the phone in the hallway and I have hands free in my car so if you need anything then you can call me. I'll call you when I get to the school and again when I'm leaving." She saw tears pooling in Rachel's eyes, "what's wrong baby?"

Rachel bit her lip, "are you coming back?"

Shelby sighed and pulled Rachel to sit on her lap, wiping at the girls cheeks before kissing her head softly, "I promise you darling, I promise that I will be back. I expect I'll be gone no more than an hour and a half and I promise I will call you if something comes up and I think I'm going to be any longer." Rachel nodded but Shelby knew the girl didn't believe her. "If I was planning on running off do you think I'd have offered to let you come with me?" Rachel shook her head, "and you can come if you want, I just thought you might like to have some time to yourself. You can explore the house without worrying about where I am."

"Okay"

"And you can call me every ten minutes if you like and every ten minutes I will tell you where I am and how long I'll be."

"Okay"

Shelby kissed Rachel's head again, "I'm going to go now, the sooner I leave the sooner I'll be back. And I will be back" she said forcefully, "I've waited almost fifteen years to be a part of your life, I'm not going to walk away now I've got you." Rachel nodded and stood from Shelby's lap so she could stand herself. "I love you" Shelby wrapped her arms around Rachel, "and don't answer the door to anyone while I'm gone."

Rachel nodded, "what if the phone rings?"

"Answer it" Shelby smiled, "it'll probably be me calling to make sure you're okay. If it's not me, ask who it is, tell them I'm out, ask them for a number and tell them I'll call them back okay. I doubt your fathers will call but if they do then hang up and call me straight away."

"Okay"

Shelby sighed and hugged Rachel again, "I love you darling and I'll see you real soon."

"Bye"

Shelby quickly changed from her sweats and checked that her staff pass and keys were in her bag before slipping on her shoes and grabbing a jacket, pausing for a minute before turning into the office, picking up a white envelope from the desk and pushing that in her bag too, "I'm going to take my keys" Shelby sighed as she poked her head into the living room to see Rachel sat on the sofa staring into space, her knees pulled into her chest and her chin on her knees, "Rach"

"Yeah?" her head snapped up.

"I'm going to take my keys, will you come lock the door behind me please?" Rachel nodded and walked to the hallway. "I love you" Shelby stroked Rachel's cheek with her thumb, "are you sure you don't want to come?"

Rachel shook her head, "I shouldn't need to be with you 24/7 to be okay."

"No" Shelby shook her head, "but it's okay if you want to be." She kissed Rachel's head, "I'll be home before you know it okay." Rachel nodded, "don't worry about anything, you're safe here." Again Rachel nodded and Shelby didn't know what to say any more, so she decided to leave, she knew she'd probably break more than a few speed limits to make sure she got home as quickly as she could. "I love you" she said again, kissing Rachel's head before walking out of the house and standing on the doorstep until she heard the lock click.

Rachel sighed once Shelby had left, the house was silent and she was more than a little bit scared but she knew it was stupid, she was almost 15, she shouldn't need to be with her Mom all the time. Most kids her age looked forward to being in the house alone, Rachel reached for the tv remote, she knew she wouldn't be able to concentrate on whatever she put on but maybe some background noise would help. She sat lost in her thoughts until the phone began to ring and she realised she'd been sat there for almost 40 minutes. "Hey it's me" Shelby said almost as soon as Rachel lifted the phone to her ear, "is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I was just watching some tv" Rachel lied.

"Okay, well I've just got to the school, I shouldn't be any more than twenty minutes and I'll call you again when I'm leaving. I love you."

Rachel smiled as she did every time Shelby said those three words, "I'll see you soon?"

Shelby noted the hint of a question in Rachel's words, "you sure will sweetheart."

Rachel sighed as she hung up the phone. There was something she'd been longing to do and she felt like now was the ideal time to do it. She picked up the phone again and slipped it into her pocket along side the scrap of paper with Shelby's number before taking a deep breath, pulling back the curtain and sitting down on the top step of the basement stairs.

It took almost ten minutes but Rachel slowly made her way down the stairs, letting out a sigh of relief when she got to the bottom. She walked a slow lap around the room before stopping in front of the bookcase by the piano and running her fingers over the binders. She studied the labels before pulling out some of the binders and settling herself on the floor to look through them.

Meanwhile Shelby had sorted out the 'key crisis' and was sat in front of Carmel's principal for the second time in as many days. "I want to hand in my resignation" she said firmly pulling the envelope she'd picked up off her desk before she'd left from her bag. "I know it's short notice but I won't be returning after the Christmas break."

"May I ask why?" The principal was shocked.

"It's all in my letter of resignation, but as I told you yesterday, I'm now the guardian of a 14 year old. She's my daughter, I was a surrogate for two gay men and agreed not to have any contact with her until she was 18 however they abandoned her on my doorstep last Friday and I don't want to go in to too much detail but I think Rachel would benefit from having me around more than I can be if I'm working. She needs to come first right now."

"I can't say that you won't be missed Shelby but I completely understand that family comes first. Is there nothing we can do to make you stay? Parents are entitled to take 'maternity' leave if they adopt a child, I could..."

"No" Shelby shook her head, "I'd still hand in my resignation at the end of it. I need to be there for Rachel."

The principal nodded, "let me pull some strings and sort the leave out for you anyway. It will save you working up until Christmas at the very least." The principal had adopted three children herself and she knew the first few weeks were most important for making any child feel at home in a new environment, "she'll need you now more than ever and it seems silly for you to work your notice when you can take leave, be around for Rachel and still get full pay for a while. Do you have a solicitor or a social worker?"

Shelby nodded, "both."

"Do you have the contact details for either of them, I'll make a few calls, get the documentation I need. I know I'm not going to change your mind about resigning so once I know for certain how much leave you're entitled to I'll make your resignation effective from the end of your leave."

Shelby couldn't believe how understanding the principal was being. She thought she'd have to work at least some notice and she tried to hide her surprise as she took out the business cards she had for both her solicitor and the social worker she'd called yesterday. "I've left Rachel at home but I promised her I wouldn't be too long" she glanced at her watch, "I should really be leaving about now, would it be okay if I came back later in the week to pack up my office?"

"Of course. Keep your security pass, there'll be some paperwork I'll need your signature on before your resignation becomes 'official' so you can give it back then."

"Thanks" Shelby smiled, relief evident on her face, "I need to get going but call me if you need any more information."

The principal smiled and stood to shake Shelby's hand, "you get back to your daughter, anything I need can wait."

Rachel wasn't in the living room when Shelby returned and Shelby noticed almost instantly that the curtain she'd replaced the door to the basement with was pulled wide open. She heard Rachel play a few notes on the piano before beginning to sing so Shelby slipped off her shoes and silently padded down the stairs listening to her daughter sing.

'Sometimes is never quite enough, if you're flawless, then you'll win their love. Don't forget to win first place, don't forget to keep that smile on your face. Be a good girl, try a little harder. You've got to measure up and make them prouder. How long before you screw it up? How many times do they have to tell you to hurry up? With everything they do for you the least you can do is keep quiet.'

Shelby's heart broke as she listened to Rachel sing. Her heart was breaking for her daughter and she new instantly that she'd made the right decision to resign.

'Be a good girl, you've gotta try a little harder, that simply wasn't good enough to make them proud. They'll live through you they'll make you what they never were, if you're the best, then maybe so are they, compared to him, compared to her, they're doing this for your own damn good. You'll make up for what they blew, what's the problem? Why are you crying?'

A single tear rolled down Rachel's cheek as she finished her song.

'Be a good girl, push a little farther now. That wasn't fast enough to make them happy. They'll love you just the way you are... If you're perfect '

"Rachel" Shelby whispered so as to not scare her, "you are perfect baby."

Rachel span round on the piano bench, "you came back."

Shelby sat beside Rachel and used her thumbs to wipe away Rachel's tears, "I told you I would baby."

"I'm sorry" Rachel sobbed, "you said I had to tidy up if I made a mess, I didn't hear you come in, I'm sorry."

"Rachel" Shelby held Rachel's chin, "what are you talking about?" Rachel's eyes darted sideways and Shelby noticed two binders stacked neatly on top of each other beside a third open binder on the floor in front of the book case. "That's not a mess baby, and anyway I'd only expect you to put the music away when you're done with it and you obviously weren't. I'm not going to punish you for that." she said firmly, "now, there's something I want to talk to you about but first" she played a few notes on the piano, "I'm going to play something for you and I want you to listen carefully because I mean every word."

'Made a wrong turn once or twice, dug my way out blood and fire, bad decisions that's all right. Welcome to my silly life. Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood, Miss, no way it's all good, it didn't slow me down. Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated. look, I'm still around…

Pretty, pretty please don't you ever, ever feel like you're less than, less than perfect. Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing. You are perfect to me

You're so mean when you talk about yourself. You are wrong. Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead. So complicated, look how big you'll make it. Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game. It's enough, I've done all I can think of, chased down all my demons, I'll help you do the same.'

She didn't think the final verse would be appropriate so decided to just sing the chorus one last time. She stopped playing the piano and turned to face Rachel, resting her palms on her daughter's cheeks and using her thumbs to wipe at the tears that wouldn't stop falling.

'Pretty, pretty please don't you ever, ever feel like you're less than, less than perfect. Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing. You are perfect to me.'

I don't care what anyone else says" Shelby whispered, her head falling forward until her forehead was resting against Rachel's. "Whoever you are, whatever you do I will love you. I know you don't believe me and honestly I don't know if you will ever understand until you have a child of your own, but there is nothing you could do that would make me want to leave, I will never stop loving you. Even if there's a day where you're angry and we argue and you storm off hating the world and wanting to be on your own I will love you and I'll be there for you. I might not follow you but just because I'm not there doesn't mean I don't want you or love you. Just because I've not been there doesn't mean I didn't want you or love you."

Shelby heard Rachel take a shaky breath, but she never could have predicted the next five words that would come out of Rachel's mouth, "I love you too Mom."

"Oh baby" Shelby sobbed, "I love you" her grip on Rachel tightened, "I love you so much I don't ever want to let you go." They cried together for a while before Shelby wiped at Rachel's tears before kissing her damp cheeks, "there's something I need to tell you sweetheart" Shelby took hold of Rachel's chin and lifted it gently, "I promised myself I'd never keep anything from you, so you should know, I handed in my resignation whilst I was at Carmel, that's why I was a little longer than I expected to be. I've been thinking about resigning since Friday night, I thought I'd have to work some notice but the principal's going to fix it so I don't have to. I want to be here for you darling, whenever you need me to be here I want to be here, I knew, I, some nights I don't get home 'til eight, I can't, I wont do that to you."

"But, but" Rachel wanted to tell Shelby she needed a job, she wanted to ask how they were going to live without money but she didn't want to offend the woman.

"Talk to me baby" Shelby said softly, "if you're worried about money or anything then don't be, I own the house, there's no mortgage and my Nanna left me a lot of money in her will when she died, that's just been sat in the bank gathering interest. I'm not saying I'll never work again, maybe when things are a bit more settled here, maybe I'll give some private voice or piano lessons but there's no need to worry about anything baby, I'm not worried so you don't need to be."

"Why?" Rachel sobbed, her fathers had tried to spend as little time as possible with her, yet her mother had given up her job to be able to be around her, she couldn't help but wonder how long it would be until her mother got sick of her.

"I want to spend time with you darling, I don't want to see you for an hour in the morning before you go to school and an hour at night before bed. I've missed so much of your life Rachel, I want to spend as much time with you as I can. I want to help you with your homework, bake cookies for you to come home to, if you have a bad day at school I want to be here so you can tell me about it as soon as you get home."

"I, I could have transferred to Carmel"

"And you still can darling" Shelby once again wiped Rachel's tears away and tucked some hair behind her ears, "if you want to have a fresh start at Carmel or any other school nearby then you just have to say the words, baby I'd even pull you out of school completely and home school you myself if it would make you happy. Think about it okay, if you don't want to go back to McKinley all you need to do is say the words and we can start looking at other options together, I won't ever force you to go somewhere that makes you unhappy."

Rachel sighed, she wanted nothing more than to escape McKinley, no one liked her, her peers frequently called her names and shoved her into lockers, but their favourite torment was to throw slushies over her, usually several at once. She wanted to get away from there but she was scared her mother would ask why, she didn't want her mother to know what a loser she was. She realised her mom was waiting for her to say something, "thank you" she whispered.

Shelby gently placed her hands on Rachel's cheeks, "baby, I would do anything for you" she kissed her forehead, "I'm starting to get pins and needles in my butt, can we go sit on the sofa?" She said with a smile, trying to lighten the mood.

That night Rachel decided she wanted to try and sleep on her own, Shelby tucked Rachel into the covers and made sure she had Edward Bear, "promise me you'll wake me if you need me" Shelby said softly, "promise me I wont wake up tomorrow to find you sleeping on the floor."

Rachel nodded sleepily, "I promise."

"Okay" Shelby bent to kiss Rachel's forehead, "I love you darling"

Rachel smiled, "I love you too."

Shelby flicked on the dim light beside Rachel's bed as she left the room, pausing in the doorway, "sleep well baby" she said before leaving the room, making sure the door was left ajar behind her before walking into her own room, completely exhausted and ready to climb into bed. Neither Rachel nor Shelby knew just how little sleep they'd be getting that night.