Saviour - What if the men Shelby gave her baby to hadn't been the loving parents she thought they would be
Rating - T
Characters - Shelby & Rachel
A/N - Lyrics in italics are from 'Lullaby' by Ronan Keating, you should look it up on youtube if you've not heard it, it's beautiful.
"Knock knock" Jimmy called loudly as he walked into Shelby's house.
"Dadda" Lily screeched as she flew from where she sat watching cartoons with Shelby, she grinned as she saw him in the hallway and jumped into his open arms.
"Hey beautiful" Jim smiled, hugging Lily tightly and kissing her hair, "have you been good for Auntie Lelby?" Lily nodded and Jim smiled up at Shelby as she walked into the hallway, "hey" he kissed her on both cheeks, "thanks for having her, was she okay?"
"Of course she was, she always is."
Jim laughed, "yeah, right."
Rachel watched from the top of the stairs as a man she assumed to be Amy's husband spoke to Shelby, Lily sitting quietly on his hip, "hows Max?" Shelby asked.
"He's fine, Amy rang me just before I came over. They put him on the nebuliser just after he was admitted and gave him some oxygen but he's been fine since, the doctor does his rounds at 11 and he'll be discharged once he's had a final check over. They should be home by lunch time." He lowered his voice, "I think she wants to come over to see you, she's worried about you.
Shelby smiled and shook her head, "she doesn't need to be, I'm fine, she should be home with Lily and Max, tell her I'll call her though." She glanced up the stairs and saw Rachel standing shyly on the top step, "come say hello honey" she held out her hand and allowed Rachel to cuddle into her as soon as she was within reach, "this is Jimmy, Amy's husband, Jim, this is Rachel my daughter."
Jimmy saw Shelby's face light up as she called Rachel her daughter and he couldn't help but smile too, "Amy said she looked like you Shell but I had no idea, are you sure she's not your sister?"
Shelby laughed and squeezed Rachel gently, "I was in labour for three days, I think I can safely say she's my daughter."
Jimmy smiled, "well it's great to meet you Rachel.
"Its a pleasure to meet you too Sir" Rachel said politely, unable to look him in the eye.
Amy had told Jim what Shelby had told her about Rachel's past so he spoke softly to her, "you don't need to call me sir" he told her, "Jim or Jimmy's fine."
"Dadda" Lily lifted her head from Jim's shoulder so she could get his attention, "Rae my f'end".
"Is she? He asked with a smile, "I hope you were nice to her."
Lily nodded, "we play and she sleep in An'Lely's bed with me."
"I bet she didn't get much sleep once you were there, you're full of wriggles" he said as he tickled Lily's ribs.
They stood chatting for a while before Amy rang Jim to say Max had been discharged and they were on their way home. Lily insisted on giving Rachel a huge hug and kiss before she'd leave and Shelby knew Rachel had made a firm friend in her young niece.
"Shelby Corcoran" Shelby answered the house phone as it began to ring later that afternoon, Rachel had once again fallen asleep on the sofa after lunch and Shelby was quick to answer the phone before it woke the sleeping girl.
"Ms Corcoran, it's Anne Jackson, the social worker, we spoke earlier in the week."
"Oh, hi, is everything okay?"
"Everything's fine, I know we have an appointment set up for tomorrow but I'm going to be in your area in a little while and I wondered if it would be convenient for me to stop by, I have a couple of papers I need your signature on and the sooner they get signed the sooner we can get the custody ball rolling."
Shelby smiled to herself, her solicitor had warned her that the social worker may drop by with very little notice, but she had nothing to hide, "sure, we'll be in all afternoon, do you have a rough idea of what time you'll be here, Rachel has just fallen asleep and I don't want to wake her too soon, she needs to rest."
"I could be with you for three" the social worker suggested.
Shelby looked at her watch, it was just after one, she could let Rachel sleep for an hour and half before waking her with enough time to freshen up before the visit, "three would be fine".
"Brilliant, well I look forward to meeting you then."
Shelby said her goodbyes before hanging up the phone, and going to tidy up a few things. She woke Rachel just over an hour later, kissing her forehead before shaking her softly, "Rachel baby, it's time to wake up."
"Momma" Rachel whimpered as she spoke, "what..."
"The social worker called while you were asleep" Shelby explained as she sat on the edge of the coffee table, "she's coming over at three, it's a little before 2.30, I thought you'd like some time to wake up before she got here.
Rachel sat up slowly and rubbed at her eyes, "why, what, what if they take me away?"
Shelby moved to sit beside Rachel and hugged her tightly, "no one is going to take you anywhere darling, "all the social worker will be doing is making sure that you're happy and safe here and that I'm able to support you, not only financially but emotionally and physically and I know that I'm more than capable of doing that, you're safe here and I think once you allow yourself, you'll be happy here too."
Rachel nodded, she knew her mother was right but she was still terrified.
After the social worker introduced herself to Shelby and Rachel she spoke to Shelby for a while, Shelby explained how she'd resigned but had plenty of money in savings to ensure she and Rachel could live comfortably before she explained, once again, how Rachel ended up in her care
"So Rachel" The social worker turned her attention to the girl a while later, "how about you show me where you're sleeping?" She needed to see that Rachel had an appropriate place to sleep, and she frowned when she saw Rachel shoot a scared glance at Shelby and the pair seemed to communicate silently for a while before she spoke up, "does someone want to tell me what's going on?"
"Rachel has her own room" Shelby spoke, "but she has nightmares when she sleeps alone, I've booked her an appointment for a therapist, but in the mean time she's been sleeping in with me ."
"Okay" the social worker nodded and wrote something down on her notepad, "when are you seeing the therapist?" she asked Rachel, trying to engage the young girl in conversation.
Rachel looked at Shelby and the elder woman nodded, trying to encourage Rachel to speak, "next week" she whispered, "Thursday I think" she looked to Shelby again and Shelby nodded.
"Next Thursday at 4pm, the therapist was recommended by the patrician, that was the first free appointment I could get for her."
The social worker once again scribbled something in her notebook before she spoke again, "well how about you show me your room Rachel?"
Rachel hesitated and Shelby didn't even ask why, "I'll wait right here for you darling, I won't move from this sofa."
"Promise?" Rachel whispered quietly.
Shelby kissed Rachel's forehead, "I promise you daring that I will be right here when you come back."
Once they were in Rachel's room Anne sat on the bed with Rachel, "how do you feel about living here?" she asked.
"I, I like it" Rachel said quietly, focusing on her hands and not the woman sat beside her, "I've not know my mom for long but she seems really nice, she holds me and doesn't shout at me wehn I cry, she says she'll never hit me, she didn't even get mad when I hurt her."
Anne frowned, "how did you hurt her?"
"I kicked her in the stomach" Rachel looked ashamed, "I was having a nightmare and she was trying to calm me down but I kicked her."
"Was it an accident?"
Rachel nodded, "I didn't, she wasn't going to tell me but she stretched and I saw the bruise. She said I shouldn't worry about it but, she's been so kind to me and I hurt her."
"It was an accident Rachel, and if your mom isn't worried about it then I don't think you need to worry either."
They spoke for a while and Anne asked Rachel several questions about her fathers, "I'm sorry" Rachel whispered as tears began to roll down her cheeks, "I can't...I'm sorry"
"It's okay" Anne smiled sadly she'd already seen the police report, there was no need for her to push the girl too far, "how about we go back down to your Mom?"
Rachel nodded and Shelby wrapped her in her arms as soon as she saw the girl, "Oh darling" She held Rachel on her lap rocking her slowly to comfort her as she spoke to Anne.
Anne could see the love in Shelby's eyes as she tried to soothe the girl and she knew she would have no doubts about signing Rachel into Shelby's care, she'd been in her job for longer than she cared to remember, she'd seen families who acted like everything was perfect, parents pretending they hadn't beaten their kids black and blue, right through to parents who loved their children with all their hearts, parents who wanted nothing but the best for her children and she was sure Shelby was one of the latter, "That's everything for now" she told both mother and daughter, Shelby I just need your signature on a couple of papers to make everything official."
"Rachel baby" Shelby wiped at Rachel's tears, "I need to sign a couple of things, can you sit beside me for a minute?" Rachel nodded and slipped to the seat beside Shelby, who took the pen from Anne in her right hand, leaving her left firmly entwined with Rachel's.
Shelby had no idea how she was going to cope when Rachel went back to school, she hated leaving her side, she'd taken a shower that evening, the fastest shower she'd ever had, just because she didn't want to be away from Rachel for too long. Usually she'd shower in the morning but she didn't want Rachel to wake alone, she never wanted the girl to think another of her parents had left.
It wasn't even 9 when Shelby climbed into her bed beside Rachel who was already snuggled up in the duvet reading a book from Shelby's book case, "what are you reading?" she asked as she tried to see the well worn cover, slightly hidden by the sheets.
"The Railway Children."
Shelby smiled, "I love that book, I think it's one of my favourites."
Rachel returned the smile, "I, that's why I chose it" she admitted, "it looked like it had been read more than the rest."
"I'm surprised it's not fallen apart" Shelby smiled as she felt Rachel lean into her, "do you like reading?"
Rachel nodded, "I used to spend a lot of my lunchtimes in the library, I didn't, I couldn't take them home."
"Well" Shelby kissed Rachel's head and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, "tomorrow we can go online and order a book case for your bedroom and then we can start looking for some books to fill it with. If you enjoy that" Shelby gestured to the book in Rachel's hands, "I'll buy you your own copy."
Rachel shook her head, "no, no, you can't do that, you've already done too much."
Shelby kissed Rachel again, "it's a couple of books baby, if you enjoy reading I'll buy you books, it's no problem, I don't mind."
"You, I, you've already bought me so much".
"Oh darling" Shelby sighed, "if I'd have been in your life from the beginning I'd have spent a lot more on you than I have these past few days. From now on you're going to have everything you need and probably everything you want, now get reading that book, I want to tell you all my favourite parts without worrying that you've not read that far yet" she smiled.
"What are you going to do while I'm reading?" Rachel asked shyly, "we can just go to sleep if you want."
Shelby shook her head, "if you want to read a little while longer then I'm happy just to sit here snuggling with my daughter, as long as you're not up until 3am reading then I'm okay for you to stay up for a while longer." Rachel read for almost half an hour before closing the book and placing it beside the bed, "done?" Shelby asked. Rachel nodded and Shelby flicked off the light, "good night darling."
They lied in silence for a while before Rachel spoke, "Will you, will you tell me?" she asked softly as she laid against Shelby in the dark, "about the day I was born? My, my fathers never liked talking about you" she admitted almost silently, "I asked about you once when I was younger, that, that was when daddy first used his belt."
"Oh baby" Shelby sighed, pulling Rachel towards her and kissing her forehead, "I'm so sorry." She was glad that, even though they'd lived together for less than a week, Rachel was slowly beginning to open up to her, even if she did hate the things she heard.
"I think they hated that I looked like you and not either of them" Rachel thought out loud, "maybe then they might have loved me."
"I know its awful darling, but if they hadn't treated you so badly I might never have gotten to meet you. I know you might not see it now, but one day you will, everything they did to you will only make you a stronger person in the long run". Rachel sighed but said nothing so Shelby took that as her cue to begin the story Rachel wanted to hear, "it was a horrible winter, I'd been feeling a little off for a few days but I couldn't really put my finger on what wasn't right. Your fathers and I were watching a movie when the snow took the power out. Hiram lit some candles and Leroy bought some blankets downstairs along with a wind up radio they had, the weather forecast predicted nothing but snow for over a week and I started to worry we wouldn't make it to the hospital. I woke up that night and I was so ill I honestly didn't think I'd ever leave the bathroom. To put it politely I was sat on the toilet being sick in the bath, but we'd had curry for dinner, we thought it might hurry you up, so I just assumed that had made me ill, I finally managed to fall asleep again and when I woke up I was having contractions. I told Hiram and Leroy and Leroy called the hospital, even though my contractions weren't all that regular, they said with the weather I should probably try and make my way in. We'd done practice runs and the most it had ever taken us to get to the hospital was 45 minutes but it took us over three hours. By the time we got to the hospital my contractions were almost unbearable and I was convinced that if I stood up from the car you'd just fall out, it felt like you were right there but it turns out you weren't" she laughed slightly, "They put me in a room on the delivery ward and almost as soon as I laid on the bed to be examined my contractions stopped. The snow got much worse that night so I think you were making sure you were born in the hospital. I had contractions on and off for the next two days but nothing seemed to be happening so the doctor broke my waters and then" Shelby had to blink back tears, "then you were born. It happened so quickly, you were born 28 minutes after my waters were broken. I'd hoped, all along I'd hoped I'd get to have a moment with you, just a minute so I could tell you I loved you and say goodbye but it didn't happen, Hiram held you, Leroy held you and then they took you off to the corner to clean you up and check you over. I, I was a mess, I was sobbing, crying for you and for just one second you turned your head and looked at me but then they took you away, they took you away and I knew I'd never see you again." Tears were rolling down Shelby's cheek into Rachel's hair as she admitted, "I was so hysterical after they took you away that I had to be sedated. I never held you, I didn't even know your name, but in that one second when you looked me in the eye I knew I'd never love anyone half as much as I loved you."
Shelby's shirt was soaked through with Rachel's tears "I, I, I"
Rachel's breath caught in her throat as she sobbed, and Shelby rubbed her back, "shh, you're okay baby, I've got you, you're okay, you're okay."
Rachel calmed down a little before saying what she wanted to say, "I wish I'd known you, I wish they'd have let you be there."
"Me too darling but there's nothing we can do that will change that, I'm here now though, I'm here now and I'm always going to be there, whenever you need me and even when you don't, I'll be there, that's what we need to focus on sweetheart. I called my mom when I came round from being sedated. It took her four hours to get to the hospital because of the snow and she stayed on the phone listening to me cry the whole time. My mom was always there for me no matter what she thought of my actions. She knew all along I'd regret giving you away, I didn't listen but she was still there for me when I needed her and I plan on being there for you sweetheart."
"Do, do you regret me?" Rachel asked, her voice shaking as she failed to stop herself crying.
"No" Shelby didn't even wait for Rachel to finish her question, "never. I regret signing the contract saying I wouldn't contact you, I've regretted that every day but I have never, never regretted having you."
"I, I, I'm sorry Momma" Rachel sobbed, "I'm sorry"
"Oh darling, you've got nothing to be sorry for, nothing at all." Shelby pulled Rachel onto her so she was laying on the woman's stomach, "you're okay" she rubbed at Rachel's back, "you're okay."
"No" Rachel whimpered as she found herself in the same position she'd woken up in the morning before, "no, I'll hurt you."
"No you wont" Shelby tried to reassure her.
"But, your stomach."
"Is fine" she lied, "I'm more worried about you sweetheart. Take some deep breaths, you're okay darling, you're okay, Momma's got you, I've got you." She rubbed circles on Rachel's back as she tried to calm the girl down.
Hearing Shelby call herself Momma only made Rachel sob harder and bury her face in Shelby's chest, her left hand gripping tightly to Shelby's shirt. Rachel had spent her whole life dreaming that she had her Momma, someone to hold her and comfort her and now she had that she was overwhelmed by it all, it was almost too much for her to cope with. "You're okay darling, you're okay." Shelby felt Rachel shake as she sobbed and began to think about the anti anxiety meds sat in the bathroom cabinet before shaking her head, she wanted to try and calm Rachel down herself, she needed Rachel to know that she was always there, not that she was going to drug the girl every time she got upset. She began humming softly as she rubbed Rachel's back before she began to sing quietly, "Now you'll lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord your soul to keep, that your heart is safe with me and if I die before I wake I'm sorry darling for every mistake I've ever made. I could sing you the most beautiful song you've ever heard, you could sing alone my hummingbird. But you don't need to sing, I don't need to play it'll be alright, I just want you to fall asleep tonight. This is a lullaby, lullaby, lullaby, lullaby. It's just the way I say goodnight, it'll be okay, it'll be alright, this is your lullaby."
Rachel began to sob harder, "I'm sorry Momma, I'm so sorry" she gasped between sobs, "I'm sorry."
Shelby didn't reply, she knew telling Rachel she had nothing to be sorry for wouldn't help so she just continued rubbing circles on Rachel's back and singing softly, " Yeah, yeah And when you told me you were scared I was well aware that your heart was unprepared So I said that I'd be there if I said maybe you'll sleep And you'll lust in all your dreams And never have to worry cause your heart is safe with me. I could sing you the most beautiful song you've ever heard. You could sing alone my hummingbird, but you don't need to sing, I don't need to play it'll be alright. I just want you to fall I just want you to fall I just want you to fall asleep tonight, It'll be ok, it'll be alright. This is your lullaby."
"Hey" Shelby smiled as she saw Rachel begin to wake the next morning, "how are you feeling?" she asked as she brushed a stray lock of hair back from Rachel's face.
"Okay thank you" she whispered quietly, "I'm sorry about last night."
"It's okay darling, I'm just glad you feel like you can talk to me about things, I don't want you to ever worry about telling me anything, you never have to hide how you feel from me darling."
"Thank you"
"You don't need to thank me darling, it's okay." They laid in silence for a while, Rachel still laid on Shelby's chest, "I was thinking, after you fell asleep last night, you're back at school on Monday and, even though I wont be working any more we're not going to be able to spend as much time together, so I thought maybe we could do something this weekend, I thought we could maybe wrap up warm and go to the zoo or something, if you felt up to it I could ask Amy if she wanted to come with Lily and Max, or we could go just the two of us, whatever you want."
"Would, would Jimmy come?"
"I guess so, if you want Amy to come with the kids but not Jim then I'll talk to her, I'm sure he wouldn't mind."
Rachel shook her head, "I, you said he doesn't see them all week, it's not fair if I made him miss out on seeing them."
"He wouldn't mind Honey, and he's had an extra day off this week, he might be glad of the rest. We could go on Sunday Jim's driving back to Chicago so he'll probably be leaving around lunchtime, we could go in the morning, have some time together just the two of us and then meet Amy, Lily and Max after lunch and spend the afternoon with them. It's just an idea though, we don't have to go anywhere, we can stay in and watch movies all weekend if you'd rather?"
Rachel shook her head, "I, I'd like to go out I think"
Shelby smiled and held Rachel tighter, "we'll sort something, we'll have a great day baby. I promise."