The next day, a weary eyed Santana was folding Mila's freshly washed baby clothes, sorting them into piles. The stereo was on low in the background, loud enough to make the task more fun, but quiet enough so not to wake Mila.
Santana sighed at the monotonous task.
This was her life now.
She was awoken from her personal pity party by a knock at the door.
"Get that please Santana! It's probably your dad. He's probably forgotten his key again" Maribel shouted from upstairs.
Sighing as she stood up due to the tiredness she felt as she lugged her aching and sleep deprived body towards the door, she opened it a little too forcefully, ready to spin around and go back to her task as soon as she opened it. But she was stopped in her tracks.
There in front of her, leaning against the door frame with a slight smirk, was Brittany.
Santana couldn't help the gasp that escaped from her mouth.
"Brittany!" she exclaimed; the surprise evident in her voice "What are…wh...what are you doing here?"
Santana was so happy to see Brittany, for the first time in almost seven months, but at the same time the panic was rising. Mila was inside. Was her big secret about to come spilling about?
"Just popped back for the weekend" Brittany smiled "Thought I'd surprise you" she said casually.
Santana was suspicious. She'd not spoken to Brittany properly since the day Mila was born two weeks ago, and for a whole week of that there'd been zero contact at all. Now Brittany was back here, acting like nothing had happened.
"Great!" Santana exclaimed, she'd been caught so far off guard, that she didn't know what to do. She grabbed her coat off the hook "Let's go for a coffee!" Santana smiled unconvincingly.
Anything to steer Brittany away from the house full of baby things, and the baby herself, who was sleeping upstairs.
"No…no, let's stay here. We can sit in your room like old times sake" Brittany smiled. Santana nodded slightly, which led Brittany to waltz straight into the Lopez residence.
Santana's heart was beating out of her chest and she could feel the beads of sweat forming on her head.
Brittany started walking upstairs, she always made herself at home here, it was like a second home to her.
Santana froze, knowing Mila was sleeping in her room.
"Actually Brit, my room is a bit of a mess, let's…hang out in the living room" she said, pulling Brittany gently back down the stairs and in the direction of the living room.
Brittany couldn't help the smile that formed, as she heard the nickname Brit.
"Could you go grab us some snacks from the kitchen?" Santana asked "Can't have a catch up without snacks" her voice was a little too high.
"Sure!" Brittany headed into the kitchen, leaving Santana frantically flying around the living room discarding of all evidence.
Brittany returned with the snacks to find Santana looking dishevelled and out of breath.
"Are you okay, you seem stressed?" she questioned knowingly
"Yep…yeah totally fine! Anyway, how's your classes been going?"
Brittany really had to laugh at Santana's attempt at small talk here, they would never communicate like this. She looked on amused, as Santana busied herself clearing the dining table.
"Yeah great, it's like I told you on Skype, I love the course. It really helps me express myself. So much to learn…how do you find these breast pumps by the way? Lots of women don't like them" Brittany said trivially, flipping the breast pump that she had picked up in the kitchen, in her hands.
"Uh they're a total nightmare!" said Santana, distracted by the clearing of the table she was still doing
Santana then realised what Brittany had said, and what she had said, and she froze as a heavy silence filled the air. Brittany, sensing Santana's realisation, raised her eyebrows and let out a smile of disbelief.
"Oh God…" Santana remarked, unable to turn and face Brittany. She swallowed harshly.
"How did you…?" She finally turned to look at Brittany, who was staring down, fiddling with the pump.
"Sam" Brittany simply said, placing the pump on the side. She knew now that Santana was looking at her, but she couldn't turn to meet her gaze.
A million emotions were going through her body. She had come here today knowing what she was going to find, but to have it actually confirmed, hurt like hell. She felt so hurt, and so betrayed, that Santana would go to such lengths to keep a secret this big. She almost wanted to leave and never come back. But she needed an explanation.
"I was gonna tell you Brit, I promise" Santana said softly, her head tilted in concern.
"When?" Brittany shrugged, finally turning to lock eyes with the girl.
"I didn't…I didn't wanna hold you back" Santana confessed, tears started falling from her eyes, and Brittany felt a pang in her chest. It took everything not to run over and comfort her.
They were suddenly startled by the sound of Mila crying on the intercom. Brittany took this as her cue to leave. She had booked the next flight available to come here as soon as she'd heard the news from Sam. She had to make sure and see for herself, now she knew, and she could leave again.
"I should go" Brittany said, clearing her throat
"No Brit! Wait, please? At least come and meet her?"
Brittany was unsure. This was all a lot to handle. In the space of 24 hours she'd found that her best friend was a mother, she'd lied to her for 9 months, and now she was being introduced to said child.
"Please?" Santana pleaded again, her eyes shining.
Brittany could never say no to those big brown eyes. She nodded, following Santana up the stairs.
When they reached Santana's room, Brittany looked around in sadness. They shared so many memories in this room, memories that used to make her feel so happy. Now she just felt incredibly sad.
She watched as Santana tenderly scooped the baby out of her crib, rocking and cooing her gently. She was great with her. Santana had never been a 'kid person', whereas Brittany had always been the more maternal type, but seeing how good Santana was brought a tear to Brittany's eye. She had only been a mother for two-weeks but seemed to have taken to it like a duck to water. Just like that, the little girl had stopped crying.
It's amazing how babies know their mothers touch so instantly, Brittany thought, wiping the tear away as quickly as it fell.
Santana edged close towards Brittany, stopping just in front of her. She looked at Brittany, then down at Mila.
"Her name's Mila by the way. Mila Grace Lopez" she smiled, genuinely proud to be the little girls' mother.
Santana was about to ask Brittany if she wanted to hold her, but she didn't want to overwhelm her too much, so instead she went over to the bed. She sat down and lay Mila next to her, before gesturing over to Brittany.
"Come sit" she smiled
Brittany hesitantly walked towards the bed, before climbing on and sitting down opposite them. She stared at Mila and felt tears spring to her eyes. She looked just like Santana. Santana felt tears in her own eyes as she watched her best friends face fill with love.
She had wanted to witness this moment since the day Mila was born.
Brittany reached out to stroke Mila's cheek, silently looking at Santana for approval. Santana nodded. She felt sad Brittany even felt the need to ask. As she stroked her fingers against Mila's soft cheek, Santana spoke.
"She knows all about her Aunty Brit, I tell her about you every day" her voice thick with emotion.
Brittany smiled, not taking her eyes off the little girl.
"She's started crying a lot more this week" Santana began "Dad thinks it might be Colic."
Brittany looked at Santana properly for the first time since she got there. She looked so tired. She gave her a sympathetic smile. She didn't quite know how to broach the next subject. She cleared her throat nervously.
"And I take it the dad?"
"Puck." Santana replied simply, knowing what Brittany was asking. "Puck is the father"
"And he's not in the picture?"
Santana shook her head
"When I first found out I was pregnant, I wasn't sure what I'd do. You know, if I'd keep her. But I thought I should let him know anyway. He just laughed it off, made a joke. He wasn't bothered by it. I never heard a thing throughout my whole pregnancy. Not even a text to see how I'd been, if the baby was okay, nothing. I text him the day after she was born, with a photo of her and all the details…" Santana recounted
To: Puck
Hi Puck, Hope you've been keeping well. I wanted to let you know our little girl was born yesterday, and she's doing well. She weighs a little over 6 pounds so she's pretty tiny. She's super cute. I know I talked about adoption before, but I've fallen in love with her and decided to keep her. I think she is crazily like me but can see you in her too, around the mouth area a little. Here's a photo of her anyway! Her name is Mila- Santana x
To Santana's surprise her phone started ringing 2 minutes after the text was sent. It was Puck. Maybe he was going to step up now he knew she was keeping her.
"Hello?" she answered
"How much do you want?"
"What?" Santana frowned, confused
"How much do you want? To keep quiet about the kid and back off out my life"
"Puck what on earth are you talking about?"
"You heard! Look I don't want nothing to do with some stupid kid okay? I've got a new life out here in Miami, and I'm not having anything mess that up. So tell me what I owe, and I'll pay up, but don't be expecting anything else from me"
Santana felt the rage burning inside her
"You fucking idiot! I don't want anything from you. All I wanted was to do the decent thing and send you a photo of YOUR daughter. It was foolish of me to think you'd actually care" she laughed sarcastically "I don't want your money. That's not the reason I text you. My daughter doesn't need your money, and she most certainly doesn't need YOU" Santana spat, before hanging up the phone, hugging her daughter protectively.
She hadn't expected Puck to turn around and play happy families, but she also didn't expect him to be so cruel about his own daughter and reject her like that.
Knowing how much she loved her own dad, she felt guilty that Mila wouldn't get that chance, so she thought she'd try again
To: Puck
I'm sorry for the other day, I didn't mean to shout. Look Puck I'm not expecting anything from you, not your money, not your time, not anything. I appreciate you live in Miami now and you've built a life over there. But whenever you're back for a visit in Lima, I'd love you to meet our daughter. She's amazing, and I know she'd love to get the chance to meet her daddy one time
As soon as she sent the message her phone buzzed, and she picked up her phone frantically to check Puck's response, only to find her message couldn't be delivered.
Puck had blocked her number.
Brittany listened intently as Santana finished the story, before shaking her head. She placed her finger in Mila's small hand, smiling as Mila gripped onto her. How could Puck want to miss out on this.
"What a d-bag!" she sighed, referring to Puck, Santana nodded her head in agreement.
"I didn't realise you had slept with him again after Prom Night" Brittany continued
"I didn't" Santana replied, causing Brittany to frown "I guess I just got unlucky. Plan B is 90% effective and I must have been in the unlucky 10%. I used condoms and Plan B and I still wound up pregnant, I guess you could call me a walking abstinence advert" Santana joked.
Brittany felt crushed. She felt guilty. She'd been the one to take care of Santana after that night, she was sure the Plan B would sort everything out. But it hadn't, and Santana had gone through all of this alone. Maybe Santana blamed her, for not sorting it out properly. Maybe that's why she never told her. They both just stared down at Mila, watching her sleep. After a long silence, Santana looked up at Brittany.
"I think…not telling you, was a way to keep the dream alive you know? So, there was at least someone out there, who still saw me as Santana, and not this…strange new person I've become." Santana smiled sadly.
Brittany returned the smile, before sighing.
"I just wish…I wish I'd been the sort of best friend you thought you could trust with this. So you didn't have to go through it all alone. I should have been better".
Santana's head shot up at Brittany's words, as she shook her head furiously
"Brittany no! No no no. You don't get it" she exclaimed desperately "You couldn't have been a better friend to me, don't you see? That's why I didn't tell you. I didn't want to disappoint you or upset you. But I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you from the minute I found out. I messaged you straight away to tell you, but you were going out for dinner with Sam and his parents that night and I…"
Brittany's face fell as she cast her mind back to that night
"Santana I…"
"No Brit, don't you dare say anything because it wasn't your fault. How were you to know I was going to tell you something like that?" when she was sure Brittany wasn't going to object, Santana continued "You asked to meet the next day and I was going to tell you then. But you'd just gotten your Juilliard acceptance letter and you were so excited about our New York dreams. I couldn't ruin that with my news, I just couldn't"
"Every time you went to tell me, I ruined it with my big mouth" Brittany sniffed, tears welling up in her eyes
"No! Brittany listen to me; it wasn't like that at all. I had ample time to tell you, it was just…I don't know, my own inner guilt at messing things up. I knew I'd be ruining your dreams as well as mine, and I couldn't stand that. We'd talked about that day when we moved to New York for years"
"You know, if you'd told me you were pregnant, I wouldn't have gone. I would have stayed right here and helped you"
At this point both girls were crying. Santana reached out and put both hands on Brittany's knees.
"I know you would. I know that's the kind of friend you are. You're the best friend I could ever ask for, but don't you see that's why I couldn't tell you? I couldn't live with my mistakes ruining your life. Seeing your excitement at getting into Julliard, getting a scholarship Brittany! I was so proud of you. I am so proud of you. I couldn't let this ruin that" said Santana, gesturing to her stomach, rather than to Mila herself.
"But my dream wasn't college or scholarships. That was just a gateway to the actual dream. My dream was just New York, with you. It was anywhere with you. We could have done what we planned in New York, in Lima" Brittany smiled sadly
Santana blinked back the tears
"I know. I know and that was my dream too" Santana nodded "And that's why I deferred my entry to Spring. I know I lied about saying I didn't get in for the Fall, and they only offered me Spring entry, but I didn't lie about the rest. I deferred my place and I had every intention of coming in Spring. I was going to give Mila up for adoption, it was all arranged, all the plans were in place. The flight was really booked, and all those plans we made were real. I…I really thought we'd do all that. I know I've told a lot of lies recently, but that was never one of them. Maybe it was a crazy idea, but at the time, I really believed it would work. I wasn't just stringing you along with a plan to never show up it's just…things changed"
"How come you didn't tell me you were pregnant at that point? Why didn't you just tell me the truth and say you'd be coming to New York once you'd had the baby. I still could have been there for you" Brittany shrugged
"Multiple reasons." Santana replied "I was afraid if you knew you'd fly home, choose to defer with me, lose your scholarship"
Brittany sighed; it was a fair point. She would have done exactly that.
"It all comes down to me not ruining your life and your plans and I just knew that if you knew I was pregnant, it would have. And it's also like I told you before. Telling you made it real. I didn't want to face up to it. Everyone around me was telling me I was stupid, that I needed to really think the adoption through, that I was naive to think I could just skip off to New York two weeks after giving birth, and act like it never happened. Wherever I turned, the reality was shoved down my throat when, I didn't want to face it yet. But with you, it was an escape. We'd just talk about New York and our future and...it all seemed so exciting. You never put any obstacles in the way because…you didn't know the truth. And God Brittany, you don't know how many times I wished you knew, because I wanted you to help me, and I'd wish I never lied but…would I do it all again to see you go off to Julliard and achieve your dreams? Absolutely." Santana signed, pausing slightly to let Brittany sink the information in before adding "Am I making sense?"
Brittany nodded her understanding, swallowing her tears.
"You know how it is as well. The longer you keep a secret the harder it is to tell. I felt so guilty you not knowing but…I just figured I'd give birth and hand her over to her new family and move and…you'd never have to know. If I hadn't of kept her, I would have told you later down the line, probably not too far into New York. Because then I'd know I wouldn't be ruining anything. But obviously that's not how things panned out"
Santana glanced down at her daughter with a smile
"The minute she was born, before I'd even seen her, I was so overwhelmed with love. Just hearing her cry and…I just so desperately wanted to hold her but…I knew I couldn't. I knew the minute I did, I'd never want to give her up. My Mom was walking out with her, when I heard her do a little hiccup. She'd done it before once when I was pregnant, she wouldn't stop hiccupping so I showed her how to hold her breath to make them go away" Santana laughed tearfully, causing Brittany to laugh with her "It worked and…I suddenly felt this bond with her. But I pushed it to the back of my mind, knowing I was giving her up. The moment I heard her do that when she was born, I just knew I couldn't give her away. I asked to hold her and honestly Brit, the love was just…instant. I still can't believe I managed to create something so perfect"
Brittany smiled, looking from Santana to Mila, her eyes glassy with emotion
"I can" said Brittany, causing Santana's face to light up, before it fell again to relay the next part.
"That's why I was so distant this past couple of weeks. It's been so awful not talking to you but, as soon as I knew I was keeping her, I knew I wouldn't be able to come to New York with you and…I just didn't know how to tell you. I didn't know where to begin. I knew I'd have to tell you eventually but…I didn't know how. So, I guess I just buried my head in the sand. Anyway, now you know." Santana looked down "I'm so sorry Brit!" she began hysterically crying.
Brittany swooped forward, enveloping Santana into a huge hug. She rubbed her back and comforted her. The girl had been through so much, and her reasoning made sense. She couldn't stay mad with her any longer.
"It's okay, it's okay. I'm here now" Brittany soothed, before pulling back emotionally "Just promise me we'll never go not speaking like that again?"
"I promise you Brittany" Santana said grabbing Brittany's face and forcing her to look at her "I love you so much"
Santana embraced Brittany who was sobbing hard. She clung onto Santana, so glad to have her best friend back in both a physical and a metaphorical sense.
"I love you too" Brittany said, through her tears.
After a few more minutes embracing, Santana pulled back to offer her pinkie, which Brittany gladly took. They both lay back on the bed, silently just watching Mila, with their pinkies still linked. A silent promise to each other to never let things get like this again.
Then out of the blue Brittany said
"Can I be Godparent?" knowing that Santana would be getting Mila christened, since her family were very religious.
Santana looked at Brittany intently with a smile, before cupping her cheek gently.
"I'd love nothing more"
And with that she leaned forwards and placed a tender kiss on Brittany's cheek, before pulling back to rest her head on Brittany's shoulder.
For the first time in months, they both let out a content and happy sigh.