Disclaimer: I do not own Twlight.
Author's note I: In the reviews, way, way too many of you said you were uber confused with Bella's answer. I replied and will repeat myself here for all you silent readers. If you're honestly surprised that Bella doesn't want to become a vampire then you need to read certain chapters more closely. The clues started way back in chapter 39:
'"Extraordinary..." Eleazar muttered. "And she's not even a vampire yet..."
Both Edward's and Bella's fists clenched at that. Bella looked down, missing the curious glance Tanya sent her way.'
There are more clues in Ch. 45, 46, 74, and in the first half of 75. Clues like 'It was clear as day what they all wanted. It was inevitable...one of them was bound to bring it up...and Bella dreaded that conversation more than anything else. She couldn't imagine how she'd react when that day came. But she knew...she knew in her heart what her answer would be.'
Author's note II: Listen to 'In Principo' by Ludovico Einaudi.
If her fire wasn't hers to control, Forks would be razed to the ground by now, she thought with an acrid laugh. The flames seared so close to her skin, her temperature must be through the roof. In the dark of night her skin glowed, luminescent from the embers that sizzled and sparked inside her.
Fifteen months. She had never stayed so long in one state, let alone one town since childhood. The itch to keep moving tingled through her body like the air before a storm. She was electrified and abuzz with the need to keepmoving. And yet...
She dropped unceremoniously to the hard ground in front of the cabin the Denalis had built for her and Rosalie. This place...god it hasn't even been a year. Whenever she ventured inside the small structure, during one of her many solo trip up here, if Bella closed her eyes and shut out all noise from the outside she could replay the wonderful memories and relive them. She attempted it again now, but the emotions, while still strong insider her, felt like they were happening to someone else...like she was a spectator on a movie set.
Some things were the same. Others still had changed beyond description.
Her love for Rosalie...that hasn't changed. No, that's not right. It was stronger than ever. What did she know of love when she kissed Rose for the first time? All she knew back then was that Rosalie filled something in her heart she didn't previously know was hollow. And in the span of a single year, the complicated blonde grew inside of herself so that she filled every nook, cranny and crack. Was it even possible to live without her now?
She couldn't wrap her mind around a life without Rosalie, and that very inability was angering her on top of all her other emotions. Seven years on her own...seven years, and now after a single one she couldn't find her bearing?
The minutes, the hours, for all Bella knew the days themselves drifted in and out. Bella lay on the hard ground as the earth moved beneath her, keeping time as it always had without pause. She had no idea how much time time had passed as she watched the sky. She didn't recall night turning to day. Then again, she didn't recall the run over here either.
Running was all Bella had known for so long. She may not have been born with the instinct, but now it was as deeply ingrained in her as...as her fire.
But didn't she suppress it for over a year? Didn't she make the choice to settle down, at least temporarily for Charlie's and her future's sakes? And-and she couldn't lie to herself with this one-didn't she honestly never feel the pull to leave when she was with the Cullens? It was true. That family-Rosalie, Emmett, Esme, Alice, Jasper and Carlisle-was a powerful magnet that had held her in place all these months. Except for the two week stint last summer, the thought of leaving them never even crossed her mind. Even those two weeks away from them were spent trying, unsuccessfully, to burn the bridge to the Cullens. The bond she shared with them was the one thing it seemed, that even she couldn't burn.
High over her head, she watched slick coils of fire dance through the sky. They writhed like whip lashes, fifty shades of burning red, yellow, and orange. Bella's eyes followed their every movement though, it was more accurate to say they followed Bella's eyes. The tango in the sky was a product of her imagination, and she let its hypnotic twirls and sashays lull her and bring her some comfort.
A movement devoid of flame caused her to snap her head to the side. She simultaneously calmed and tensed. Twenty feet away, a small bear, a cub judging by its playful curiosity, was frolicking through some bushes. Bella sat up, momentarily distracted from the searing sky. Having basically lived in the wilderness for almost half her life, Bella had seen her share of wild animals but she'd never been this close to a grizzly without a ton of foliage to separate them. It let out a soft roar and tripped over its own feet, causing Bella to lightly giggle to herself.
The cub was an arm's length away from her when its mother showed up.
Bella would've missed it if she hadn't released an ear-splitting roar. She turned just in time to see her barrelling at full speed towards her cub, and...towards her.
A normal human being would take this opportunity to run like hell. At the very least, a normal human being would shit their pants. Bella did neither of those things.
Instead, she calculated how much time it would take for the mother to reach her. Based on its discernible speed, the slight slope of the ground, and a dozen other criteria that raced through her mind, Bella determined she had just under 4 seconds until contact.
And she waited. A running montage of her fucked up life, in no particular order, played behind her eyes as she watched that furious face, those long jagged teeth, and those curved claws race closer and closer. Her childhood came and went in the blink of an eye. It was a blur; of hiding, of concealing a part of her that didn't want and, eventually, would refuse to stay concealed. The fireworks of her 9th birthday was next. Renee and her parents' guests disappearing in a flash. Her escape from the wreckage. The last fifteen months of surreal happiness with the Cullens. Seven years of a repetitive, lonely, basic existence. And then, though it only took a second in real time, every face of the 508 people she had killed. But it was Rosalie's face, not any of her victims', that lingered the longest. Bella's jaw slackened as she traced the curves of her cheeks with her eyes, as she noted the different shades of gold in her hair.
Through her tears, the blurry shape of the bear grew until it was all Bella could see. So close she could make out the individual hairs of its fur, could smell its acrid breath inches from her face, she glanced up and looked her foe in the eye.
And the bear froze in her tracks.
Bella sighed in relief though, she knew, also in disappointment.
This was not her first brush with imminent death. And, obviously since she was still breathing, it wasn't the first time one of her gifts took over to protect her.
"It was a good try," she spoke out loud, standing up so she was taller than the crouched, frozen bear though just barely. "You would've protected your baby if I was anyone, literally anyone else."
The cub pawed its mother's leg, trying to get her attention.
"I didn't mean to stop you. I didn't want to. But some part of me did, enough for my gifts to kick in. I've gotten stronger this last year but...not strong enough to completely overpower it."
Not strong enough...
The first time Bella got her hands on a gun...she remembered how long she stood with it in her hands. She was shaking like a leaf. It took what felt like an eternity to pull it to her temple. And when she finally pulled the trigger...and nothing happened, she crumpled to the ground like a paper bag both elated to be still among the living and devastated that her moment of bravery had been for naught. It would be several days (and several deaths) until she gathered up her courage to try again. When she heard the click a second time she began to suspect...and her suspicions were confirmed when she fired the gun at the ground, the bullet exploding out of the barrel and crashing into the mud with a bang.
"The monster likes destroying too much," she said, still talking to the immobile grizzly. "It won't let me hurt myself. Now if you snuck up on me maybe you would've done some damage. But it's too late now…"
Standing in front of a speeding car only destroyed the car. Pills, taken with the intention of overdosing, burned to ash in her mouth. Knives disintegrated before they could pierce her skin. And when she jumped off a goddamn cliff, fate bestowed on her a pair of wings.
"You're fortunate," she said. "If you'd tried this a few years ago, you would've exploded. Boom."
The cub tried to nuzzle into its mother's hide, but the big bear was stiff as a board and her fur wouldn't give. The little one kept trying until it found a distraction in the form of scampering spiders.
"If I can do this now," she whispered, gesturing at the bear's frozen body, "what will I be able to do as a vampire?"
Inexplicably, an image of Darth Vader popped into her mind and she laughed.
"If I can do this now," she asked as she held out her hand and closed the distance between her thumb and index finger like Vader liked to do, "what will I be capable of as a vampire?"
The bear's eyes grew even more panicked as she squeezed her jugular, cutting her brain off from its oxygen supply. With narrowed eyes she released her throat a moment later.
"I can set you on fire. Stop your blood from flowing to your heart. Sever each and every one of your limbs. I can cauterize your wounds in a flash just so I can keep torturing you. Keep your eyes open indefinitely until you pass out. Peel your skin off like a potato. I can throw you through a glass wall. Throw you into a shark tank."
She closed her eyes and ordered her body to not demonstrate what her sick imagination could dream up. It was hard. It was so, so hard to keep from carrying out her casual threats.
"I am a seventeen-year-old girl," she whispered, "and I can kill you a thousand different ways with nothing more than a thought. What the FUCK does she think will happen if I become like her?!"
She was too angry. Furious not only because Rosalie didn't giver her the chance to explain, but also because she should've thought of this in the first place.
"A year of uncontrollable blood lust?" She laughed. "I killed 400 people my first year. How many will die while I'm a newborn? Another 400? 4,000?!"
Little kids mark their growth with lines on the wall signifying heights, she thought bitterly. Bella would be marking her years with death tolls.
"How could any of them think I'm good vampire material?" She laughed like a mad woman with her arms in the air above her. "The fucking planet could explode!"
It took every ounce of her self control to keep from burning the two animals before her. They were bigger than the squirrel. Bigger than any of the critters she inadvertently burned out here during her episodes of release. Their melting flesh, their screams of anguish would feel so, so good.
Rosalie. Rosalie. Rosalie!
The animals did not burn, but deep inside herself Bella did. Exhausted and, deciding she'd better stop tempting herself, she wordlessly released the mother bear from her invisible shackles.
Bella stood tall. The bear reared back on her hind legs and stood way, way taller. Bella didn't budge.
"Get the fuck out of here," she whispered, glaring up into the grizzly's eyes and daring her to try anything. Just give me an excuse….
Mama bear was smarter than that though. After a few tense seconds she went down on all fours and hurriedly guided her cub away from Bella. In the animal kingdom at least, mothers will always protect their children, she thought bitterly.
Author's note III: Hopefully you found Bella talking to the bear as creepy as I did. If, while reading it, you thought she would kill the bear, that actually was my original plan. Just as I was about to have her start torturing it though, Bella starting talking and the scene totally changed. Please tell me what you think! Would you have preferred it if Bella acted out one of her sadistic torture/killing methods?
Next chapter: Rosalie and Emmett. And...Bella does something I bet none of you will anticipate!