Chapter Warning: Sensitive content ahead around pregnancy loss
Santana stood frozen as she watched Brittany's face, full of fear and worry. The blonde pleading to Santana with her eyes, to help her. To tell her everything was going to be okay. And then Santana snapped out of her daze, going into autopilot. She gently pushed Brittany back to sit on the closed lid of the toilet seat.
"How much blood Brit?" she asked softly, as she bent down to Brittany's level, her hands placed firmly on Brittany's shoulders.
"I…I…don't know…quite a bit…I think" Brittany stuttered, clearly in shock.
"Okay. Okay Brit, listen I want you to try not to worry okay? Lots of women experience bleeding and spotting early on in their pregnancy. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the baby, so I need you to try not to panic" Santana soothed, trying the best to channel her dad's calming nature. Inside, she was panicking too, but she needed to be strong for Brittany.
Brittany nodded through her tears, as she listened to Santana. She was so scared. Santana looked at her watch to check the time. It was approaching 06:30am so it was still early, but she knew Quinn would be awake. She liked to get up early on a morning to go to the gym, but if she was quick, they'd be able to catch her before she left.
"What we're going to do is we're going to get you dressed, then I'm going to call my dad and see if he can get us in at the hospital. It's just a precaution honey, we just want to get you checked out, see what's going on there. But it could be nothing, and until we know, I really want you to keep thinking positive okay?" she explained slowly, her thumbs gliding across Brittany's bare shoulders in an attempt to comfort. "We can drop Mila at Quinn's house on the way. Come on, let's get you dressed" she said softly.
She stood Brittany up, the overwhelming desire to take care of her so prevalent.
"Promise me the baby is going to be okay San, just promise me?" Brittany pleaded, her voice ragged and desperate. And Santana felt broken. She wanted so badly to promise Brittany that, but for the first time ever, she couldn't.
"I promise you that we're going to the best place for you, and I'm going to make sure you get the best care, and I'll be there every step of the way"
It was the best she could do, and Brittany nodded, her face crumpling. It was a sight that Santana couldn't stand to see, and she wrapped Brittany up in her arms and held her so tight. The sound of Brittany's scared sobs cut deep like a knife. Little Poppy had to be okay, they just had to be.
When Brittany was dressed and ready to go, she led her to the car, before running back in to get Mila. She hated leaving Brittany alone even for two minutes. Mila was still of course fast asleep, so she picked her up trying not to wake her, but the little girl was a light sleeper.
"Mama?" she questioned sleepily
"Shhh, go back to sleep baby girl. Mama has somewhere she needs to go with Aunty Brit-Brit, but don't worry. You're going to have a fun day with Aunty Quinn, but it's very early so you can stay sleeping"
Mila looked at her mother questioningly but didn't press her on the issue. Santana let out a sigh of relief as she watched Mila close her eyes again. She picked up a blanket and carried her out, still in her pyjamas. She carefully put her in the back seat of the car in her car seat, and wrapped the blanket around her, before rushing back around to the front of the car.
Brittany only been on her own for a few minutes, but it was a few minutes too long. She checked Mila through the rear-view mirror, happy to see she was still sleeping, and placed a comforting hand on Brittany's leg, offering her a gentle squeeze.
She felt guilty for worrying Quinn. It wasn't like she ever usually dropped her child around at this hour, still sleeping and in her pyjamas, offering little to no explanation. But she couldn't just tell her the full story, it wasn't her business to do that. All she could do was thank her for looking after Mila and promise her she'd explain properly later. Then, when Mila had gone, she had called her dad to tell him that she and Brittany were coming in and needed to see someone right away in the Emergency Department for Brittany. Luckily, he did know about Brittany's pregnancy, because Brittany had entrusted him and Maribel earlier on, knowing George was a doctor and wanting his involvement where possible. She was close to them since childhood, so it had almost been as exciting telling them, as it was her own parents.
When they arrived at the hospital, they were able to be seen quickly, due to George's request. He worked in the Neurology Department himself, but he was a very well respected, long established Doctor at Lima Memorial Hospital, so he had contacts within all departments. Both Brittany and Santana were very grateful for this, because the waiting and the not knowing was the hardest part.
Santana never let go of Brittany's had once as she was led to a private room, where she'd be examined, after answering some basic questions. She was given three cups of water to drink to prepare for the ultrasound, and a blood test was given so they could get a better view of the hCG levels.
"You're okay babe" Santana soothed, caressing Brittany's hand as the needle went in, knowing how much she hated them.
"I'd take a thousand needles right now, if it meant Little Poppy was okay" Brittany smiled sadly, unfazed by the needle in her arm, for the first time ever.
"Right Miss Pierce, if you'd like to roll your shirt up for me and we'll take a look at what's going on" the Sonographer said kindly, entering the room to take over from the Doctor.
Santana watched as Brittany squeezed her eyes shut tight. She wasn't sure if it was from the shock of the cold gel that the Sonographer had just applied, or from the pain of everything, the anticipation of what was about to come. In a few minutes time Brittany would either be flooded with relief or she'd have her heart broken into absolute pieces. Santana could only pray it was the former, and she brought Brittany's hand up to her lips and placed a gentle kiss on it, as they waited in apprehension.
As the Sonographer ran the doppler over Brittany's stomach, Santana could barely stand the silence.
"What can you see?" she asked nervously, glancing towards the screen.
"Well we can't see anything clear, but that's common this early on in pregnancy. At 5 weeks 6 days, which is what your estimated dates are, we can only really see the sac. Just try to relax" said the Sonographer, offering a warm smile towards both girls, as she continued to move the doppler around.
They waited in silence, desperate for a positive sign, Santana's hand still gripping onto to Brittany tightly. Suddenly, the tears started trickling down Brittany's face.
"I can't hear anything" she sobbed, looking towards Santana desperately. Santana looked down, quick to stop her own tears and stay strong for Brittany. She couldn't find the right words to comfort, so instead she just squeezed her hand even tighter.
"Miss Pierce, try to stay calm" said the nurse "it's also not always possible to detect a heartbeat this early on. Sometimes it can't be heard clearly until after the 7-week mark at least. I'm going to suggest a transvaginal ultrasound. It's a little more uncomfortable, but we should be able to take a better look at things for you"
Brittany nodded meekly. She just wanted answers, and she wanted them now.
"Go ahead and empty your bladder, and I'll go get things set up for you" the nurse encouraged, before heading out of the room.
Brittany looked at Santana uncertainly. She was so scared right now, that even the thought of walking the few steps to the adjoining bathroom and letting go of Santana's hand felt hard.
"I'll be right here sweetheart" Santana prompted, giving Brittany's hand another gentle squeeze. She'd lost count the amount of times she'd done that today. It seemed silly really, like a hand squeeze was going to make anything better. But Santana knew that her presence alone would be great comfort at this time.
"You heard what the Sonographer said" Brittany swallowed, looking down at her feet, unable to say the words.
Santana knew exactly what Brittany was referring to, and the worry had passed through her head too. They'd been able to pick a heartbeat up at the Doctor's office last week, so why couldn't they now?
"It's still very early on Brit, and the baby can change positions and move around. Maybe we just got lucky last time" she offered gently, but Brittany began to cry harder. She just knew that her baby was gone.
"Hey, hey, hey. Look at me" Santana said firmly, pushing Brittany's face up lightly so she could convince her with her eyes "We don't know anything yet, okay? This second ultrasound is going to give us a better idea"
Brittany nodded, and she wiped her tears, doing her best to stay strong. But when she went to the bathroom to empty her bladder as instructed, she noticed more blood and more fluid. And she collapsed into the wall as she cried, because she just knew that she was losing her baby.
But she held on to that tiny flicker of hope, as they performed the transvaginal scan, and she waited with bated breath for them to deliver the outcome. And when the silence got too much, she burst into hysterical tears.
"I know that I've lost the baby, I just know"
Santana was frantic, seeing Brittany like this was killing her. She felt out of control and helpless, like nothing she could do was going to help Brittany. She directed her anger towards the Technician instead.
"Well come on!? What do you see!?"
And as they looked back up with a stern face, Santana knew it was bad news.
"I'm so sorry Miss Pierce, we can't find a heartbeat" they admitted, and Brittany choked as she let out another sob. She knew it was coming but hearing it out loud was something she wasn't prepared for.
"Now, we'll need to wait for your test results to confirm everything. But on reading your notes and seeing a heartbeat was detected previously, it's likely that the pregnancy is no longer viable. I'm so sorry, once again"
And then Brittany let out a scream so loud, it was jarring. The kind of scream that instantly brought tears to Santana's eyes and her clenched fist to her mouth. The Technician hurriedly left the room to give them some space, and for the first time in their friendship, as Santana reached forward to hold Brittany, Brittany pushed her away. But Santana persisted, she knew Brittany needed her.
"It's okay Brit, I'm here, I'm here, It's okay" she repeated over and over again, until eventually Brittany gave in and collapsed into Santana, allowing herself to be comforted. And as Santana rocked her best friend gently, with tears in her eyes, she wondered what she was going to do to make her best friend feel okay again.
They had stayed like that for a while, until an exhausted Brittany had cried herself to sleep. Santana watched her, stroking her hair gently. How could the world be this cruel? Especially to someone as sweet and pure as Brittany. Nobody deserved this nightmare, but least of all her. She was just glad that right now Brittany was sleeping, and her mind was free of pain. Although she dreaded the moment where she would wake up and remember everything. She dreaded having to witness that pain flash across her best friend's face.
Feeling her emotions overtake her, she quickly left the room so not to wake Brittany with her sobs. She just needed a minute to let it all out, and then she could be strong for Brittany's sake. As she let the tears consume her body, sliding down the wall helplessly, she heard the familiar voice of her father.
"Mija?"
The sight of him only made her cry harder.
"Oh Papi" she sobbed "Brit lost the baby"
She watched as her dad's face filled with sympathy, and he bent down to comfort her, ignoring the stares of others who must have been thinking he was just a Doctor comforting a patient, overstepping the barrier of professionalism.
"Oh Santana, I'm so sorry. How is she doing?"
"It's awful Papi" Santana swallowed, subconsciously reverting back to the childhood name she had called her father, needing his comfort more than ever "I don't know how to take this pain from her. I don't know the right things to do or say, I just feel so helpless"
George nodded understandingly.
"You must try to be strong for her now Santana. She's really going to need you. She's going to have a lot of doubts and questions. Sometimes she will just want you to lend an ear, so she can express her grief. But she will get through this Mija. She is strong, and she has a great support system around her"
"It just doesn't seem fair" Santana shook her head "Why her? Why Brittany? She's such a good person. She would have made the best mommy"
"Unfortunately, Corazoncita, life is not fair. It doesn't pick and choose. Not every day is good, but we must choose to live on, and be strong"
Santana nodded, grateful for her father's words of wisdom as usual.
"Thank you Papi. I should go back in there, before she wakes up"
"Yes. You should. Be brave for her Santana, and together, you will get her through this"
And as Santana entered the room again, she felt a lot stronger that she was before she left. The emptiness inside her was now fuelled by a steely determination, to stand by Brittany's side and help her through this.
An hour later, the Doctor who had taken the blood test returned with the results. They had lost count of the amount of people that had seen them today, and it was annoying Santana that Brittany was having to see all these different people, all with the same sympathetic look. Why can't they just have one person for everything?
"Miss Pierce, Hello again"
"Please just…call me Brittany" Brittany winced, hearing Miss Pierce in that same clinical tone was starting to grind on her now.
"Sorry...Brittany it is" the Doctor apologised and corrected himself, before glancing warily at his clipboard "I have your test results back here, and unfortunately the tests do show that your hCG Levels have dropped significantly" he explained.
Santana watched Brittany carefully as she stroked her hand with her thumb. Brittany seemed to be taking the news better this time. Maybe she had prepared for it by now.
"Having spoken to the Sonographer who did your adnominal ultrasound, and the Technician who did your transvaginal ultrasound, it's conclusive that you are experiencing a miscarriage. I'm so sorry"
Brittany nodded, the tears found its way to her eyes again, but she managed to swallow and stifle the sob. She had braced herself for this, but the words still weren't easy to hear, and her mind was burning with questions.
"Was it something I did?"
"Brittany, of course not sweetheart!" Santana rushed to comfort her, but Brittany's gaze continued to pierce into the Doctor, desperate for answers.
"Miss Pierce…Brittany, sorry…these things just happen, and it's through no fault of our own. The test results show there were no issues with you and your body, but the foetus recently stopped developing. Now this could be down to a number of reasons; a cellular defect, foetal abnormalities, chromosomal imbalance…" he trailed off "unfortunately, miscarriages are more common than we think. But it's important that you don't blame yourself"
Brittany nodded again, trying her best to take the information in.
"So…what happens now?" she asked
"Well, it's just a case of waiting for the tissue to pass naturally. It can take up to three weeks but is usually complete by around two. We can book you an appointment in for then, to see how things are coming along. But if you have any symptoms like a high temperature or if the cramping suddenly gets very severe, or the bleeding gets significantly heavier, come back and see us right away" the Doctor answered.
"Tissue?" Brittany frowned, before the tears started flowing again "a few hours ago, it was my baby…now it's just...tissue"
Santana swooped forward to embrace Brittany. Her desire to comfort and touch her was overpowering.
"I'm so so sorry sweetie. But we're going to get through this together okay? You and me"
"Oh San, how can this be happening?" Brittany cried. And Santana shook her head, the tears trickling down her face silently, because for once she just didn't have an answer for Brittany.
After they had been discharged and sent on their way with various pamphlets, Santana had carefully driven them home. Now they were sat on the sofa together, Brittany curled up against Santana, looking so lost and vulnerable.
"Oh God…I need to tell Denver" she sat up suddenly, feeling panicked.
"Brit shh…you don't have to think about any of that right now. You've had a huge shock, and you need to process it"
"And my parents" Brittany sobbed
"Why don't we think about this later on? I can tell people for you if you're not feeling strong enough, but right now I just want you to think about you. I'm going to ask Quinn to hang on to Mila for the night, and then me and you can be alone. And it's up to you whatever you want to do darling. We can talk, we can sit in silence, we can keep busy. Whatever you want, I'm here for you. Unless of course you'd rather be with your Mom right now, and I can drive you there straight away"
Brittany shook her head frantically
"No! Don't leave me San. I just want you" she said, her voice so small.
"Hey" Santana grabbed Brittany's hands to calm her "I'm not going anywhere, okay? I'm right here"
She pulled Brittany into her, and felt her relax against her, as they sat in a thoughtful silence.
"I didn't want a baby you know" Brittany suddenly said out of nowhere, causing Santana to look at her.
"It was Denver who wanted one, and I was so resistant for ages. When you said I was just trying for a baby just to save my relationship, you were completely right"
"Brit…" Santana began, but she was fast interrupted by Brittany. She could see in Brittany's eyes that she needed to say this, so she let her continue.
"I really wasn't ready for a baby but…as soon as I saw those two blue lines, I loved my baby instantly. And I just felt so ready, and so excited to welcome this little light into my life. Now I don't get the chance…" she trailed off.
Santana had tears down her face, listening to Brittany's raw admission, but she ignored them to wipe Brittany's instead.
"You're going to be an amazing Mommy one day Brit, I know you are" Santana lulled, and Brittany closed her eyes at her words.
"I feel like…I'm a Mommy already" Brittany admitted "As soon as I found out I was pregnant, that's what it felt like. I was a Mom and now suddenly…I'm not"
Santana shook her head softly.
"No Brit you're right. You are a Mom already. Because for those couple of weeks you had with Little Poppy…" she hesitated, hoping the use of the name wouldn't upset Brittany. She felt wrong referring to the baby as anything else now, and she was grateful to see Brittany felt the same way when she nodded her head to let her know it was okay.
"For those couple of weeks, you had with Little Poppy" she continued "You acted like a Mom. You gave up coffee straight away, you were reading all the baby books to prepare yourself. You changed your lifestyle around them, and you looked after them and kept them safe, until nature decided otherwise. But there's no doubt about it that you're a Mom now Brit, and if that's what you want to call yourself, then that's what you are" Santana encouraged, hoping Brittany would seek comfort from the words.
The blonde let out a hint of a smile, thankful, as she leaned her body against Santana again, falling into another silence.
"I was going to call her Poppy" Brittany began, still adamant the baby would have been a little girl "Poppy Diana. Poppy because, well it's obvious, we called her Little Poppy from the start so...it just felt right. And Diana...after you, so she could be strong and brave like her Aunty San" she smiled briefly, before the pain hit her again.
And Santana felt the tears brim her eyes once more, on this hugely emotional day. She was so touched that Brittany would name a child after her, and use the same middle name that she had. It had always been a running joke in her family that her middle name should have been Diabla, instead of Diana. Just like she should have been named Satan instead of Santana. But her full name was Santana Diana Lopez, a slight mouthful, but it was her name. And knowing Brittany was willing to give her perfect child that name; moved her to the core. She placed a soft kiss on Brittany's temple.
"Poppy Diana will always, always be loved Brit. Always loved, never forgotten."
A hugely upsetting chapter I know, trust me it was a hard write!
I'm currently working on a one-shot alongside this. It's not related at all to this story, it's more Canon Brittana, but it's very fluffy, so if I can get that up today as well. Maybe some light relief after this chapter. But I hope you are all still enjoying the story, and that you're having a great weekend! X