The shrill sound of her alarm clock woke Clare up with a start, her heart lurching in her chest as her eyes flickered open. Extending an arm out from under her covers, her hand reached to the nightstand, blindly finding the top of the clock and shutting it off. The ringing still sounded in her ears but that was the least of her problems now.
It was Monday morning and after her disastrous experience at work a few days prior, Clare was contemplating whether or not it'd be worth it to even show up again. She'd taken Friday off, opting to work from home. Luckily for her doing advice, her hours were far more flexible than others on staff. She could very easily continue working from her couch but her pride was beginning to outweigh all else. She refused to give Jake and Katie further satisfaction in knowing just how much they'd hurt her.
The look of guilt and shame etched onto Katie's face was enough for Clare to know that a part of her truly did feel remorseful but it certainly was not enough to ever forgive her for what she had done. After all, she had stolen Clare's boyfriend from her, aided him in cheating on her and that was an act that no one could ever come back from, even a person she had considered to be a friend.
But the majority of her anger was directed towards the man himself. It made Clare sick to her stomach to recall how it felt to see Jake so wrapped up in another woman, so boldly doing so at work without much care or regard. He had broken all the trust she'd instilled in him for over two years. Everything she knew now felt tainted. Even the bed in which she slept on didn't feel right to her, so many nights the two finding themselves getting lost in one another.
With a groan she tossed back the covers stubbornly, sunlight pouring in through the open blinds of her room. The change in her disposition was noticeable. No longer was a smile apparent on her face for no reason or a sparkle in her blue eyes. It was all gone now, every last trace of genuine happiness washed out in one swift move.
It was strange to Clare just how much she found herself hurting. After Jake had quite literally walked out of her life, she had learned to come to terms with the fact that they were over. She had given up on the notion that he would be upfront and tell her why he decided on going separate ways. She learned how to pick up the pieces and rebuild, finding comfort elsewhere.
But now that source was gone and as far as she knew, it was all her doing. She had been the one to turn a blind eye to her almost kiss with Eli and now six days had gone by without so much as a text from him. She didn't feel deserving of it anyway. She knew how much it took for Eli to put his heart out on the line and clearly the sting of rejection was far too much for him to handle.
No, this problem was hers and hers alone, the main source for it. She wasn't enough to make Jake stay and she wasn't enough to be what Eli needed. It was too much for her to think about, shutting out thoughts of the two guys as best she could over the weekend.
As always Alli was right there for her, willing to give Jake a piece of her mind but all Clare wanted was for the drama in her life to stop. There was already so much on her plate that it gave her a headache to think about. She could be happy for one thing now, if anything at all. Now she had gained the knowledge on the biggest mystery of them all. Still there were little tidbits that nagged at her at times like how it all got started, how long had they been seeing each other behind her back and why Jake felt the need to step outside of their relationship. But just knowing this much was enough to sate her over anxious mind.
The last few weeks had been spent working on moving past the heartbreak. Unexpectedly that came in the form of Eli, a guy she didn't even think would be a factor in her life. He had done something for her that she was certain she would never be able to fully repay. He had restored a sense of semblance in her life, made her trusting again and free from all the negativity and doubts that swirled in her mind post-breakup. With him she was able to be herself but also learned that it was okay to step outside her comfort zone.
Life as she knew it had been changed, all because of this one guy and his uncanny ability to make her feel alive. But now she had managed to screw that up, to make it so he didn't even bother to pick up the phone and call her. She supposed it was for the best. What with his play opening in just a few nights, he had bigger things to focus on than the state of their friendship.
Though she knew it was selfish and perhaps even naïve and ill-advised, Clare hoped that he was at least still thinking about her. She couldn't explain it in many ways why she wanted to matter to him other than the simple fact that she had truly grown to like him. Clare was well aware of the fact that Eli had sworn off relationships but knowing that he was going in for that kiss cemented a very clear fact to her. Despite his better judgment, he was lowering his defenses and making himself vulnerable. He didn't need to say the words. For a guy like Eli, it all came down to his actions.
Clare sat up in bed, dropping her head into her hands and burying her face. The weight of the world was now on her shoulders and the pressure of that was too heavy a load for her to carry just then. But she knew she couldn't give up, not now. If anything this time was crucial for her to be the one to pull herself out of this funk. Eli had done a tremendous job the first time around but now she had damaged the time they had with one another.
That fact wasn't one that Clare could take lightly. More times than she could count over the last few days, she thought of calling him. She wanted to know how he was doing, how preparation for the play was coming along. She wanted to share the revelation of Jake's infidelity with him. Clare knew Eli disliked him from the start and would probably hate him now for what he'd done. But their friendship wasn't the same these days- if it even existed at all.
The most difficult part in all of this was the uncertainty, not knowing whether or not things with her and Eli could be fixed. In only a few short weeks he had come to mean so much to her, quickly securing his place in her life. Clare knew that at some point she would have to try to mend things but she hoped it wouldn't be a bridge burned.
Getting out of bed, Clare ruffled her curls as she headed for the bedroom door. She passed her reflection, training her eyes away from the sight, already knowing it wouldn't be a good one. All weekend she'd barely been able to get out of bed, only doing so when Alli came over. Even then it had been a battle, Alli fighting hard to get Clare up and moving. She appreciated the efforts of her best friend, especially the afternoon at Alli's place. For all her moping, Clare had to admit she was getting sick of her bedroom walls, feeling more like a prisoner than anything else.
But now it was Monday morning and she was forced to step outside of the protective bubble she'd taken up solace in and face the real world. It was daunting but not impossible though it surely didn't seem too appealing.
Clare entered the bathroom, turning on the shower and allowing the water before turning to the sink and grabbing her toothbrush. Now she couldn't avoid her reflection, her blue eyes almost unrecognizable with how lackluster they were, heavy bags that held nothing but sadness placed underneath. This wasn't who she was but life was keen on throwing her these curveballs relentlessly. She sucked her teeth lightly before brushing them, all too eager to get into the shower now and free up some much needed head space.
With each article of clothing she removed, Clare felt lighter, buoyant even by the time she stepped inside. The heat was just what she needed, the beads of water working to relieve the tension in her body. It was a temporary fix but one she was desperate for, knowing the kind of day she would be up against.
The thought of having to see Jake and Katie again was enough to make her want to scream but she couldn't hide out forever. She wasn't a quitter by any means, no matter how sensitive she could be at times. This was merely another obstacle she had to get past and Clare was determined to make the most of the messed up situation she now found herself in. She didn't want Jake to know that he had gotten the best of her. Sure she had snapped at him at the office but she wasn't down for the count just yet. There was still so much fight left in her, of that she was certain.
After getting dressed and ready for work, Clare squared her shoulders as she looked at her reflection full on. While she didn't feel entirely confident just then, she had enough faith in herself to know that she could get through the day. After all, the first day back would undoubtedly be the hardest. If she could survive it, all the others to follow would be a breeze in comparison.
Keeping that in mind, Clare grabbed her purse from its place on the couch before heading out. She wasn't quite sure what to expect from the two people she despised the most. Jake had actually done the right thing for once since their split and called but Clare let the phone ring, doing the same on the three occasions when Katie tried reaching out to her. It was all too little too late, the time for talking long gone in her eyes. As far as she could tell, the two would have carried on as if nothing had been going on had she not caught them red handed.
She'd been so furious that day but in hindsight, Clare actually felt a bit of relief. Now the door was wide open for someone more deserving of her to step through. That person was always Eli in her thoughts. It was hard to shake the memory of the kiss that could have been. The way he looked at her was simply indescribable, her cheeks flushing as she reflected on it. There was such a warmth to it that made Clare curious to follow through, to know what it was like to kiss him. Her body acted on its own accord as she gravitated towards him. If she focused, she could conjure up his scent, her heart aching in her chest.
Eli was a constant in her mind ever since the night she'd gone over to his place. Admittedly, she missed it there, how comfortable it'd been to share in his company and Adam's as well. It was her first time over there and yet it felt as if she'd known them both for years, slipping into such easy conversation with them. She would have given anything to go back to that moment, back to when things actually felt as if they were okay. If she could, she would have gone about the almost kiss differently and actually have spoken to him the next day. They were both guilty of that, she decided. But Clare felt it fair she carry most of the blame.
As she drove, she fiddled idly with the dial on the radio, settling on a station at random and allowing the music to accompany her on her drive to work. The closer she got the office, the more her nerves were showing themselves. It didn't bode well with her but it was something out of her control. Her fingers drummed along the steering wheel as she sat at a red light, her thoughts drifting to nothing in particular before the light changed, signaling for her to go.
A few minutes later, she let out a breath as she parked, removing her purse from its spot on the passenger seat beside her before exiting the car. It was a nice day out, one she wouldn't have minded enjoying to the fullest by staying outdoors but she couldn't avoid the inevitable.
Stepping inside the building, Clare took note of each step she took, the sound of her heels seeming to echo as she entered the elevator and hit the panel for her floor. She watched the numbers climbing, letting out a breath as it stopped roughly midway on the eleventh floor. Two women stepped inside, politely greeting her before carrying on their conversation. Clare tuned them out, as she resumed her monitoring until the lift stopped on her level.
The sixteenth floor was abuzz as usual, people milling about or at their desk working hard on their stories. She licked her lips as she moved further into the office, unsure of whether or not things would be awkward since the last time she was there. She knew she had made a scene but in the moment she truly didn't care. She was upset and it seemed as if she had developed tunnel vision when it came to Jake, blocking everyone else out and focusing on him as her main target.
She could feel her stomach drop a bit as she passed the area of her infamous faceoff with Jake. Her jaw clenched slightly as she made her way to her desk, realizing now she would have to meet face to face with Katie. She couldn't help but wonder how that exchange would go, silently praying to herself that Katie wouldn't try to speak to her. It was easy to ignore her on the phone by not bothering to pick up at all but in person, there wouldn't be any way for her to truly escape- aside from flat out ignoring her. Katie would have deserved it but that was extra drama Clare did not want to deal with.
But as she approached her cubicle, she saw that all her worry had been for nothing. The space across from her that was always so meticulously organized was now empty- save for the Mac computer that inhabited the space. Clare couldn't help but laugh a bit at what this meant. Clearly Katie was wise enough to have her desk moved. Clare didn't care where she was relocated to, just grateful for the fact that she was actually rid of her. Avoiding her would be much easier now, one less problem she would have to worry about.
Now her mind was at rest as she sat in her swivel chair, powering up her computer. While she waited, she pulled back her hair and put it in a low ponytail. It felt good to be back at work, to have something to focus on now that didn't mean loading up on empty calories or wasting away in bed. It certainly wasn't her finest moment but she allowed herself to wallow in self-pity. After all, she had been met with such unexpected news that it only felt right for her to lay low and have some down time.
She jumped right back into the thick of things, going through her email and getting to the myriad of messages sent to her. With her mind in a better place, she was able to get through them all accordingly, doing her best to help aid her loyal readers. It was reassuring to know that while she was more or less at a standstill in some areas of her life, she was able to be of use to others. It was a good way to spend her time, to take stock of her own life realize that she wasn't the only one confused over guys and unsure what step to take next.
She worked nonstop for the next two hours, taking care of other things as well online. Checking the time in the corner of her screen, she hadn't even realized she had been working so diligently until the sound of knocking caught her attention.
Clare looked up, taken aback to see him standing there but she could only feel a smile work its way onto her face. He was the last thing she was expecting, too stunned to even put a thought as to why he had shown up.
"Sorry, you looked busy. Is this a bad time?" Adam asked, the warm smile he wore fading quickly.
"No, no. It's fine. I just…what are you doing here?"
"I uh," he started, rubbing at the back of his neck. "Well, I was wondering if we could talk."
His body language made her feel on edge but she knew enough of Adam to know that she didn't need to worry.
"Of course. Is everything okay?"
"Sort of. Would you be able to get out of here now? I would have just called you to chat but I didn't have any other way to reach you."
"I'm free now," she said, saving her document quickly. "Are you sure you're fine, Adam?"
He smiled and laughed lightly, a breathy sound of relief. "I am, I swear. I'd just rather have this talk away from here."
Nodding her head, Clare quickly rose from her seat and took up her bag. It was hard to tell exactly what was on Adam's mind but if it meant him showing up at her job, she knew it had to be weighing heavily on his mind. She thought perhaps it had to do with Eli but as for the matter specifically, it was anyone's guess. She knew enough not to rush him, deciding to stay quiet until he felt comfortable enough to breach the subject.
She walked alongside him to the elevators, stealing a glance at him every now and then as they waited for it to arrive. She watched the way he drummed his fingers soundlessly against his baggy jeans, his brows furrowed in apparent concentration. Before she could try again to see what was actually going on, the doors opened, Adam ushering her in to go ahead of him. As the doors closed, Clare couldn't take it anymore, adjusting the strap on her shoulder.
"Adam, seriously. Please tell me what's going on."
He bit back on his lower lip as he leaned against the wall, turning his head to face her.
"Alright, sorry for all the mystery but this is about you and Eli. I don't like meddling and I know you guys are adults or whatever and can handle your own problems but…I just feel like I should say something."
"I know things are tense but there's a lot going on these days. He has his play coming up and I…have some stuff I'm dealing with."
At her words, his expression turned into one of confusion but he didn't press or pry, instead just nodding his head thoughtfully for a moment.
"He has his play alright. He's obsessing over it like crazy. It's driving me nuts," he grumbled.
"I could imagine. It opens on Friday, he must be so nervous."
"It's more than that, Clare," Adam said seriously, his blue eyes meeting with hers.
Clare opened to her mouth to speak before closing it back and shaking her head.
"I'm not sure I'm following exactly. Is he okay?"
"Honestly? He's a mess. I've known the guy for ages now. Even though he's not saying it, he's putting extra concern into the play to distract himself from you."
Clare sucked in a breath, feeling her heartbeat go up a notch or two at his sentiment. To know that Eli was throwing himself into his work so much to keep his mind off her was disheartening. Maybe she was wrong for going so long without speaking to him. But after the falling out with Jake and Katie, Clare couldn't take anymore rehashing. It was exhausting to have so much on her plate and a relief to spend the last few days away from everyone.
She closed her eyes as they reached the ground level, reopening them as they got off the lift and into the lobby area. Her mind was now fixed on Eli and her instincts were fighting the overwhelming urge to dig her phone out of her bag to call him. It would be unexpected but clearly a talk with him soon was needed. Once again her emotions were strapped into yet another rollercoaster, this one with so many twists and turns that Clare wasn't quite sure which way was up anymore.
"Clare, are you alright?" Adam asked, searching her face from a few paces away as she remained in place.
"This is just between us, right?" she said after a moment, looking back at him.
"Are you kidding me? Eli would kill me if he knew I was here."
"He doesn't want us to be friends?" she asked slowly, her face crumpling.
"No, no. That's not what I meant. It's just- Eli's a sensitive guy, you know? He'd get all antsy knowing we're talking about him- even though nothing bad is being said."
"Well, if this is strictly confidential…I feel safe enough in saying that I do miss him."
Adam drew in a breath, the corner of his mouth lifting into a friendly half smile. He walked back over to her, throwing an arm around her shoulder.
"You know, I had a really good feeling about you since Eli told me about that night you guys first met."
Clare groaned at their unconventional meeting, burying her face into one of her hands.
"Of course he'd tell you all about my drunken night," she whined though she couldn't help but laugh in spite of herself.
"It comes with the territory of being his best friend and roommate. He tells me everything. But more than that, the way he talked about you was just different."
To this Clare grew curious as they exited the building, Adam's arm dropping from her shoulders and falling limply at his side. Her curiosity was certainly piqued at this point, wondering how exactly Eli painted the picture of his night when recounting it to Adam the next day. While most of it was a blur for her, she wondered how he saw it from his vantage point.
"How so?" Clare prompted as they shuffled along the sidewalk, noting the fact they hadn't even decided on a destination.
"Well, when he told me about it, I could see he really felt bad for what happened to you. I don't mean like pity," he quickly amended. "But he said he could tell you were a good person."
Clare smiled wistfully at this, shrugging her shoulders. "I think I disproved his theory now."
"No way. He doesn't hate you if that's what you're thinking. I know I'm being a total mole right now but he's like my brother and I'm worried about him."
"I'm glad to have you as an informant. I've been thinking he wants nothing to do with me again."
"You two seriously are perfect one each other, jeez," Adam said, shaking his head as they crossed the street.
"Alright, so now that I know I didn't completely blow my chance, any idea on how to secure it?"
"You have to come to the play," he replied immediately.
From the urgency in his tone, Clare knew it wasn't even a question or something that needed to be debated. It was a clear shot to make things right with Eli and Clare knew she wasn't in any position to mess things up. She'd been afraid he wouldn't want her there, skeptical when Alli made mention of it as well. But with Eli's best friend, the person who could honestly say they knew him better than anybody telling her she had to go, there wasn't a single doubt in her mind.
"I wouldn't miss the play for anything," she said sincerely, peering up at Adam.
"Good. It would mean everything to him if you're there. Ever since you learned about the play, he's been going on and on about you being there. Things are a mess now but I swear, that would clear it up."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure, what's up?"
"Why are you doing this exactly? I mean I know you care about him but some best friends would think I was trouble for him."
Adam shook his head and laughed lightly, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
"I'm doing this because yes, he is my best friend. And because of that, I know that he hasn't been this happy about someone in a long time. He's been through some rough times with girls but this could change all that. You could change all that."
Clare continued to walk, looking down at her feet as she allowed Adam's words to sink in. They played back in her mind like a broken record, constantly looping.
"I really like him," she said softly, so low she wasn't sure if Adam heard.
"I can tell that you do. You're a good person, Clare. All of this, it's just a misunderstanding but it will get fixed soon, you'll see."
"I hope you're right. I hate all this tension with him."
"He hates it too. I mean, he really does. He's miserable, always muttering. I can't even begin to tell you how annoying that is," he chuckled. "But it's because you're the first girl in over a year that he's fallen for."
"I'm still shocked by that."
"Why? You two get along so well. You're interested in books and stuff and even when you do have differences, you all complement each other. It's creepy but cool."
"Creepy but cool? Such a way with words, Mr. Torres," Clare giggled.
"Hey, hey. You guys are the writers, not me," he said, holding up his hands in mocked defense.
"You're a great friend and Eli's lucky to have you."
"I am a great friend, aren't I?" he mused, holding his head up high before laughing. "And you're a great girl. I'm really, really happy that Eli met you."
"That's sweet of you to say."
"It's the honest truth. This last month…he's like a whole new person. I could have sworn I heard him whistling one time…scary," he shuddered.
"Here's hoping I can keep him in that good spirit, you know, after I clear things up."
"I know that you will. Just give him this time to focus on the play. I know Eli. Talking beforehand will trip him up and-"
"He already has a lot riding on Friday night," she continued for him.
"Exactly. But the point to all of this is to let you know that he does miss you. He doesn't hate you. He's a complicated guy but one thing is simple. He likes you, Clare. There's no denying that."
"You know, it's the same thing every week. Either you're a masochist who likes losing or you're a stubborn asshole who will never learn," Eli said as he leaned against his cue stick lazily.
"One of these days, I'm telling you. Come on, best two out of three, yeah?"
Eli rolled his eyes at his friend as he went around the pockets of the pool table, placing the balls back into the wooden triangle in the center. As it was their tradition, they guys took in a night of eating and gaming at Above the Dot. Now more than ever Eli was glad for the night off, enabling him the chance to take his mind off production as well as a certain blue eyed girl. At times he found himself saying things in passing, coming across things that reminded him of her. Over the past weekend VH1 played Grease, Eli then working quickly to change the channel as the reminder of his karaoke night with Clare came to mind.
It wasn't that he wanted to forget her, no. If anything those memories were the only things that would keep him grounded but their relationship had changed so drastically. Timing always seemed to be his problem as well as poor communication skills. It was strange how he could produce spectacular plays, getting the words just right but when it came to speaking to those around him, he'd shut down. It was a terrible habit he hadn't been able to shake over the years.
He supposed it was just as well. After all, he didn't think of himself as much of a catch. His attention was always divided, his passion for theatre seemingly interfering with his social life. But for Eli personally, he didn't mind it. It was a labor of love, one he didn't take lightly. When people walked out of his life, the one thing that always remained was his writing.
"Best out of nothing. We'd be at this table until the end of time waiting for you to win."
"Hey, I'm getting the hang of this. Give me some credit."
"Alright, fine. You actually managed to get a few in but I'm not holding my breath for you to become a pro," Eli said, keeping a hold on his stick as Adam finished up.
"Man, this sucks. At least I still own you in video games. How about darts then? We're even on that."
"You're on."
Returning their stick to the rack, the guys crossed the floor, making their way closer to the bar where the dartboard was set up.
"Are we betting or just going for bragging rights?" Eli asked, crossing his arms over his chest as Adam collected the darts.
"Eh, I'm feeling gracious tonight so let's just go with bragging rights."
"You say that as if you're going to win but fair enough. Best two out of three," he agreed, accepting the dart Adam gave him.
Adam took his place behind the oche, taking a moment before aiming his dart at the board. He was a few inches off the bull but confident nonetheless that Eli wouldn't manage to get closer and get to go first.
Eli lined up his dart, letting it go and hitting the double bull's eye dead center, a slow smirk spreading across his face.
"It's not too late for you to back out now," he said cockily, laughing at Adam's disgruntled expression.
"That was just luck. I can still beat you."
Eli rolled his eyes and set up, aiming and throwing his three darts at the board in decent ranges to earn one hundred and twenty points out of a possible one eighty.
"You'd make for one hell of an assassin," Adam gulped, shaking his head in disbelief as Eli cleared the board.
"Just make sure you never piss me off while I'm holding a loaded gun and you'll be fine," he mused, patting Adam's back once he returned to him.
"So, tell me about your day, Torres. How are things with you?"
Adam blinked a few times before shrugging his shoulders, suddenly finding himself thinking back on meeting up with Clare. He couldn't very well tell Eli about that, deeming it best to stay mum about the fact that Clare promised to go to the play. He knew how much Eli had on his mind these days and with the play just around the corner, a distraction- even a good one- wouldn't be wise.
"My day was pretty good," he replied noncommittally, throwing his first dart. "Went to work, walked around for a bit. What about you though? Are you excited for your big night?"
Eli simply nodded, watching Adam toss his second. From the way he was throwing, he knew a victory wasn't too far off from him. "Nervous as hell but everyone is ready for it. I don't know. I feel like the only one having cold feet."
"Why's that?"
"Something just feels like it's missing. I have the feature, opening night and yet, things feel empty."
Adam released his third and final dart, not bothering to even see what his score was. He took a step away from Eli, waving him over to the bar and taking a seat. As Eli settled into the chair next to him, he looked up at the television in the corner, a Maple Leafs game playing before him.
"Dig deep, Eli. What's really the problem here?" he asked seriously, turning his attention to his friend.
The muscle in Eli's jaw tensed, his green eyes looking a bit distant as he met with Adam's gaze. He had done a fairly decent job of keeping Clare's name from his vocabulary. After his talk with Fiona, he had made the decision to push thoughts of her from mind. In order to do so, he devoted every waking moment to the play, staying later at the theatre than need be for the mere fact that he didn't have anywhere else to go. It was easier to avoid the voice in the back of his head that kept insisting he call Clare. He missed her more than anything but time away was what he needed most, especially with such a career-breaking play so close.
The days were winding down and against his better judgment, he couldn't help but hope she would keep to her word and show up at the play. He wanted to see her, to know that she still cared but now he needed to put his priorities in order. Eli was willing to uphold his promise to Fiona and speak to her afterwards. Once he made it through opening night, nothing could stand in his way.
"I have all this success and no one to share it with," he said softly, laughing in spite of himself.
"You could though, Eli. That's the thing."
"I don't know what my problem is."
"You're scared. You've been hurt before and you think it'll happen again."
"Julia broke my heart. Imogen took what was left of that and shattered it. I'm not sure I have anything left to give."
"I think that's something you need to have Clare decide. Don't write yourself off just yet, Goldsworthy. This is far from over. Trust me."
A/N: As always I like making a note to thank you guys for keeping up with the story. I even got a message on Tumblr checking in to see how I was coming along with this next chapter. Honestly, your reviews, follows and favorites go a very long way in reassuring me. I swear, this story is forming itself as I go along and yet you all are sticking it out with me. I'm a sucker for the Misfits friendship so I really needed that in this chapter. Finger crossed you guys dug it too. Only a couple more chapters to go!