Revised 12/30/2019...
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The Customer Is (Not) Always Right
Chapter 5: Life of a Salesman
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A blood-curdling screech penetrates my eardrums. I grit my teeth and scrunch my eyes shut in a vain attempt to block it out. The noise isn't as constant as it was the other day, but the baby still throws regular tantrums. And it doesn't help that Bertie never gives the ugly thing a break.
I don't think I've seen him take it out of the sling on his back once. He stirs his dinged-up cauldron round and round, and the baby just spins around with him. Constantly. I don't know how the thing hasn't vomited all over his shoulder yet. When the bawling gets to be too much for even Bertie to handle, he stops mixing his potion and makes goofy faces at the baby to calm it down. Is there not another rattle in all of Skyloft? Every time I think about losing that germy, snot-encrusted toy, it frustrates me. I just don't understand where it disappeared to. At least Manhands isn't speaking to me anymore. That's the only good thing that's come out of this.
She hasn't spoken a single word to me since the big blowup. She's just standing over there with her head down, quietly absorbed in her potion making. It is certainly strange to be treated so coldly by her, but in a sense, this is what I wanted all along. So I can't complain. I ignore her and busy myself by shining my new iron shields, which just arrived via airdrop this morning. I buff the scratches incurred during shipping from the surface of each shield until they sparkle, and the white bird print designs I made for them seem to pop.
Putting down my rag to give my arm a break, I carelessly let my gaze wander over to the little purple tent in the middle of the Bazaar and accidentally lock eyes with Sparrot. I immediately break eye contact and go back to polishing my shields. Great. For whatever reason, Sparrot has decided to stare at me today. Usually the poor girl who runs the Item Check is subjected to that, being directly across from him, but once in a while the squat fortuneteller takes to eyeballing me or Gondo. He's always sitting perfectly still under his tent, his freakishly large blue eyes following people as they pass him by. Like one of those spooky old paintings that seems to have its eyes on you no matter where in the room you're standing. It's no wonder he hardly gets any customers.
Another loud wail forcibly rips my attention away from my work. Why? Just, why? Bertie pauses his own work once again to quiet the baby. Despite the break, he looks more beaten down than ever. Its like he has a giant tumor on his back that's slowly killing him. Once the baby's howling recedes into soft laughter, he wipes some sweat from his forehead and picks up his potion stirrer again. Whoa. Hold up. Did some of Bertie's hair just fall into his cauldron? ...
I'll just pretend I didn't see that.
I let out a sigh. This couple. They're going to drive me mad. Bertie and his unsanitary ways. Manhands and her...manhands. I've considered moving spaces countless times, but it seems like I never get around to it. It would be such a hassle to move everything, and I worked so hard to procure this particular stall. It's spacious, it's convenient for the knights, I've got this nice little break room I can hide away in if things get dicey. I put my foot down and cross my arms in defiance. No! I'll never let them chase me out of this spot! Never.
"Hey! You there! The adorable boy with the golden hair!" Manhands shouts, smacking her palms together raucously. Since there is no possible way she's talking to me, I look to my right to see a green-clad knight strolling in through the entrance to the Bazaar, lost in thought. He turns his messy bedhead in Manhands's direction.
"Yes, you!" Manhands says, putting her hands on her hips. "You're one of those knights, aren't you? Or one in training, at least, hmmm? One look at you and I can tell you'll need my potions by the cauldron full! So don't try to slink away without stocking up!"
The knight hesitates for a moment, but then ambles over to check out her shop of horrors. Curses. If I had been paying attention, maybe I could have gotten to him first. His uniform and cap are a darker shade of green I haven't seen before. He must be a new knight. And new knights are always looking to buy new gear. Hopefully, he won't squander all his rupees on potions before he has a chance to come over here. I drift to the front of my counter to eavesdrop on their exchange, pretending to organize some arrows. Little does the knight know, I am waiting to pounce on him like a bloodthirsty remlit.
"You ever been to the Potion Shop before, boy? No? All right, then! I'll give you my full spiel." Manhands sweeps a hand over the array of glass cauldrons embedded into her counter. "Oh, but first, I should warn you that you need to bring your own bottle to buy anything here." Because she's too cheap to provide them. "Understand, dear?"
"Oh," the knights says. "Actually, I—"
"Good! Here we go!"
Here it comes. The age-old "spiel." I've heard her run through it so many times that I've thought up my own honest sales pitches for each of her potions to occupy my mind when I'm bored.
"This is a vat of Heart Potion!" explains Manhands, tapping the first cauldron in her row, one filled with simmering red liquid. "Drink this, dear, and it will instantly give you a burst of energy. Better yet, it's only 20 rupees a bottle! The price is more than generous, if I do say so myself!"
Friend, this tasty red energy drink will keep the blood pumping through your veins at the most exhausting of times! Just don't drink too much at once or you may find that your heart potion has just become a heart-attack potion. Don't worry! Red potion is generously cheap, so we are completely willing to refund you your 20 rupees if you should run into any life-threatening medical emergencies.
"Now here's a potion that'll put some fire in your belly." Manhands points to the next cauldron in line, what looks like a giant pot of bubbling green acid. "This amazing concoction is called stamina potion. Drinking it will help you physically exert yourself for longer stretches of time and build muscle mass. It never hurts to work on the old guns! It's a little pricey at 50 rupees per bottle, but well worth it. You're guaranteed to see results in less than a week!"
Stamina potion will certainly provide you with that extra boost you need to reach your ideal physical fitness. There's just one minor drawback. If you don't keep up with your workout regimen, you will soon find yourself at the mercy of unpredictable hormonal imbalances which will slowly begin to morph you into the opposite gender! Again, that's only if you neglect your daily dose of physical activity. Honestly, friend, can you think of a better motivator for exercising? See: Manhand's mustache and the Village Idiot's flabby pectoral muscles.
"Now, if you're looking for something a little more potent, you'll want to pick up some of this," Manhands says, motioning for the knight to follow her to the other end of the counter. She stops before a cauldron of thick, silvery-purple substance that resembles liquid metal. A soft gray mist rises off of it. Manhands wafts some mist toward herself and inhales through her nose deeply. "Ahhh," she sighs, her eyelids drooping. "Take a whiff if you like! This one still needs to ferment a couple more weeks before it'll be ready, but the wait will be well worth it. It's my famous guardian potion! Boy, if you ever find yourself facing a monster that's a little out of your league, this is the stuff for you. It'll make you feel invincible! It doesn't come cheap, though. It's 200 rupees a bottle."
Hold onto your wallets, friends! Luv's famous guardian potion will send you on a one way trip straight to la-la land. This powerful concoction induces a state of euphoria that numbs your senses and fools your brain into believing you're an unstoppable force of manpower. Up against a particularly threatening foe? No sweat! You won't have the sense to run away. You could even be on the brink of death and you won't even know it! Just like living a dream. Warning: this potion may or may not cause serious brain damage. But you'll be so far gone you won't notice that either, so what's the difference?
"Let's see, what'd I miss?" mutters Manhands, placing a hand over her chin and looking over the counters. "Oh! That one is air potion, a newer brew of mine." She points down the line to a vat of frothy, bubbly blue potion. "One delicious gulp of this elixir and you'll be able to breath underwater for a limited time! You'll be like a little fish, young man!"
Air Potion: just in case you've ever felt like staring at the litter on the bottom of the lake for more than thirty seconds.
"What's this?" The knight asks, walking over to the only cauldron Manhands hasn't mentioned.
"Whoa-ho ho! Slow down, dear!" she says, putting up her hands. "That one is not quite ready for public consumption yet, but I promise I'll have it out soon! It's a work in progress I like to call revitalizing potion. Pour this stuff on a broken shield and BAM! It'll be as good as new!"
What?! A shield repairing potion? I peer around the knight and glimpse a brand new vat of purplish sludge. So she actually went through with it.
"I'm trying to make it so it'll work on skin too, but I haven't perfected the formula yet. You know how it goes…those pesky side effects." She sticks out her tongue. "In the meantime, I've got plenty of other great potions for you to try out, so take your pick!" She puts her hands on her hips and stares him down, like a hungry toad might stare at a fly. She looks as if she might bite his head off if he refuses.
"Um...I think I'm good for now," the knight says. "Thanks."
"What?!" Manhands barks, her square jaw dropping. "You're telling me I explained all of that for nothing?!"
The knight gives a shrug. "I don't have an empty bottle."
"Well then, why didn't you say so to begin with? Hmph! I don't need window shoppers here, dear." Manhands crosses her arms and turns her nose up at her customer. He leaves the Potion Shop and walks toward my stall, looking a little peeved. Now's my chance.
"Ahaa! A customer!" I burst out, as if I just noticed him. I hop aside to allow him into my shop. "Welcome, friend! My shop carries the finest products you'll find anywhere. It's always free to look, my friend, and there's no pressure to buy! No pressure at all..." I shoot Manhands a pointed look. She glares right back at me. Oh, it is on.
I turn and face my customer, snapping back to my cheery self. "If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask!"
The knight gives me polite nod and begins to browse through my gear. I notice he already has one of my wooden shields equipped on his back, but that doesn't mean I can't try to sell him another one. I put my tried-and-true strategy into action as he paces along the counters, hovering behind him at a moderately uncomfortable distance. Just enough to pressure him into making a harried purchase, but not enough to scare him away.
After a little while, he stops in front of the arrows. "How much are these?" he asks, picking one up and testing the point on his finger.
"Ah, yes! Arrows! They're sold in bundles of ten for 20 rupees a bundle. Pardon me for asking, but you do have a bow, right?"
A pause, and then he shakes his head. Seriously? Who inquires about ammo when they don't even have a proper weapon for it?
"I do apologize, but I simply cannot sell you these in good conscience if you do not have a bow," I inform him gently, slouching below his height to appear less imposing. He's a little on the short side. "Store policy, you see. Perhaps I could interest you in some of my other wares?"
He puts the arrow down and continues perusing my store. I decide to make pleasant chitchat to get on his good side. People just love to talk about themselves.
"So, I take it you participated in the flying competition yesterday? Do they still only let the winner advance?"
"Yep!" the knight says, stifling a yawn. "I won."
"Really?" Really? This dope is the one who won the Wing Ceremony? "Well then, congratulations! What was your time?"
"Hm...I think it was around fifteen minutes?" he mumbles. "I probably could have caught it faster, but I had to dodge so many rotten eggs."
Of course he did. "An impressive time, nonetheless!" I say. "You must have worked very hard."
"Eh. Not really." He shrugs, a small smile crossing his face.
"Ah," I pause thoughtfully, "so you're the type who just prefers to wing it," I say, giving him a friendly nudge. I am so clever.
He utters a shallow laugh, scratching the back of his neck. "I guess you could say that."
Oh, I get it now. He's one of those lazy bums who gets by on natural talent and gets rewarded without putting in hardly any effort. I hate his type. Then again I just hate everybody.
I mirror his laugh. "You have do what works best for you, I suppose. Again, my congratulations."
"Thank you," he says. His attention wanders over to the shield displays. "What kind of shield is this?" he asks, moving toward the iron shield.
"Ahaa! You have a sharp eye, my friend. Not surprising, coming from someone as bright and savvy as yourself," I lay on the compliments thick. He acts modest, but I can tell it's mostly a ruse and he's secretly eating this up. "That there is a very sturdy iron shield. It's much more durable than the wooden shield you currently have equipped, and I'm happy to report it won't burst into flames! I suppose I should warn you that it won't protect you from electricity, which could come as a nasty…shock." I wince for effect. I am not just a shopkeeper. I am an actor. "But that shouldn't be a problem as long as you don't stupidly fly during a lightning storm! Ahahaha. It's yours for just 100 rupees. It never hurts to have a spare shield on deck, am I right? Care to buy it, friend?"
He considers the shield another moment, then shakes his head. "It looks like a good shield, but I think I'll pass for now."
No? For a second there, I thought I had him. All of the sudden, I realize I am giving him a death stare. I quickly recover. "Oh, yes, of course! That's quite all right, friend! You already have a perfectly fine shield, after all." I smile. "If you should ever need a replacement, I'll be right here!" Forever and ever.
He nods, drifting backward. As he does so his elbow accidentally knocks over a rusty old jar sitting in the corner of my counter. "Oh," he exclaims, picking up the jar and setting it upright again. It's my tip jar. I nearly forgot it existed. I used to pressure people into giving me tips when I was younger and stupider, but it didn't work for me so I quit doing it.
"Aha, that's just for tips!" I say. "If you feel you've had exceptional service today and feel inclined to—"
"Hey Sweetie!" Manhands's voice rings across the hall. The knight turns and looks at her. I slowly turn my head toward her to see her waving a glass bottle high above her head, her eyes fixated on my customer. It's like I'm not even here.
"Look what I found!" she chimes, coating her gruff voice in a layer of sugar, like a wolf trying to masquerade as a lamb. "Turns out I had a spare empty bottle sitting here in the stall all along! Want it?"
Oh no, an empty bottle. How can I ever hope to compete with—WHAT?! The knight leaves my shop and walks back over there. You have got to be kidding me.
"Here ya go!" Manhands says, handing him the bottle. He thanks her. "Oh, it's nothing. It's just my little gift." She lets out a deep, throaty laugh, like she just said the funniest thing ever. "So, what'll you have?"
I look on in indignation as the knight scoops himself a bottle of red potion and pays Manhands with a red rupee. Oh, how I want that rupee. If I had less self-control, I would tear across the room and wrench it out of her hands right now.
"Thank you, sweetie!" she trills, a big-lipped smile from ear to ear. Talk about a one-eighty. It's like she's talking to her lover or something. No. She doesn't even talk to Bertie that way. "If you ever want a potion powered up, just go see my husband down at the end of the counter! Come again!"
The knight puts his bottle full of potion away in his pouch and starts for the exit. But then to my surprise, he stops and doubles back to my store. He extends his hand toward my tip jar and drops two green rupees inside.
For a moment, I just goggle at the jar. A mix of being stunned at what just happened and disappointed that he wasn't actually coming back here to buy anything.
"Th—thank you, friend! Thank you!" I bow. "Please, come again sometime!"
He gives me another spacey smile and a nod before continuing on his way out. I pick up the tip jar and gaze down at the two green jewels sitting on the bottom, basking in the sight of the only money I've earned all day. I guess my efforts really are worth something. That green knight—he's not such a bad kid after all. Maybe I was too harsh on him.
Oh, who am I kidding? It's just two measly rupees! I plunk the jar back down on the counter and return to my post at the center of my store, looking around for another potential customer I can harass.
Before long, a chubby, baby-faced kid appears at the Knight Academy entrance. He looks around warily, then waddles over to the Potion Shop and requests some stamina potion. I have half a mind to yell out to him and tell him that stuff causes hormonal problems, but I'm not as low as she is. And besides, the direct approach isn't really my style. Revenge from the shadows; that's my M.O.
After the customer pays and leaves with his potion, Manhands sets to work on her latest concoction. The one that's supposed to repair my shields. It infuriates me. I already have Gondo mooching off my business with his repair service; I don't need another person doing it. Manhands takes down some ingredients from her shelves and spreads them out on her counter, purposely avoiding looking in my direction. I observe her covertly as she takes some unidentified plant leaves in her fist and crumbles them over top her new pinkish-purple potion. When the leaves make contact with the surface, the potion flashes and glows a little brighter, illuminating her hard features in an eerie sort of way. This woman is the devil. I am convinced of it.
And then it hits me.
If she can make a potion that repairs shields, why can't I make a shield that repairs itself?
That excited feeling I get when a brilliant idea comes to me bubbles up in my chest, and I recall the Goddess plume Beedle gave me yesterday. Goddess plumes can regenerate themselves when fractured. If I can find some way to infuse those properties into a shield...yes. Yes! I turn from the Potion Shop to hide the smirk that's spreading across my face. If this works, I can render her new potion useless and usurp her customers right out from underneath her.
I rub my hands together, my mind racing to form plans. The thought of creating a new shield re-energizes me, so much that my good mood bleeds into my customer service and I even get a few more tips. As I occupy myself with thinking up ways to make my new shield, the rest of the day seems to go by a little faster.
"Good night! Good night!" I call to passerby happily as closing time approaches. Like I care whether these nameless strangers have a good night. "Have a good night!"
As soon as I'm done counting my money and closing up my shop, I run out into the evening and don't slow down until I reach the bridge. I am anxious to get home and start experimenting. When I get inside my house, I swipe a lantern and a Goddess plume from my cabinets and run straight back out. My mother watches me from across the room all the while, fanning herself, but she doesn't comment.
In anticipation, I run around the house to the backyard. The tombstones cast long shadows in the twilight, and the wind is rustling the trees. Yeesh, it's creepy back here after sundown. I retreat into the shed and lock the doors behind me, just in case the remlits decide to come sniffing around back here.
I set my lantern down on the floor and lift the Goddess plume to my face. It gives off a soft, otherworldly glow in the dim light. I run my finger down one smooth, feather-like growth and snap the end of it off. Very slowly, it begins to grow back.
A small chuckle escapes my lips. Time to get to work.
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A/N: Probably my least favorite chapter I've written so far, but I hope it had a few laughs. And hopefully Link's personality came through! I've always found him to be one of the more difficult characters to write because I feel everybody sort of has their own idea of what he's supposed to be like. So I guess he's just easy to screw up.