Chapter 16
Harry avoided Hermione's eye contact like the plague. It wasn't hard because he was walking a few paces ahead of her, but he could feel her hard brown eyes on his back. He held Teddy football style with his other arm shoved in his front pocket. The pair walked in a strange silence Hermione staring at Harry expectantly and Harry as usual avoiding her gaze. They reached the willow tree a few moments later and Harry stopped adjusting Teddy in his arms.
Hermione sighed realizing that there was no way Harry was going to be a conversation starter. "Can I hold him?"
Harry glanced up at her and without hesitation handed Teddy into a waiting Hermione's arms.
"No speech about how careful I should be, Mr. Expert."
Harry snorted slightly adjusting his glasses. "I'm no expert and if there's anybody I trust it's you Hermione."
A moment of silent recognition passed between the two and they stood in silence in the shade of the willow tree, the long branches swaying with the breeze.
Hermione hesitated when Teddy started fidgeting and emitted a few minor protests at the lack of Harry. Almost terrified Hermione panicked holding Teddy out for Harry to take, but he refused and stepped forward. "Just bounce him a little."
"What do you mean bounce?"
Harry chuckled, "Just bob him a little… and he really likes humming."
"Harry Potter likes to hum…"
"You can do it," Harry encouraged her ignoring her shot at humor.
Hermione swallowed slightly and Harry gave her a half smile. It was strange to be teaching her something she had no clue about. She was so intuitive and smart that he always assumed she would excel at anything she did. Even though Harry was more comfortable with Teddy than Hermione was he was sure that if she got the hang of it she would blow right past him on the expert level. Ron would sometimes get huffy at this trait, but Harry had accepted it sometime after fourth year. That was who Hermione was.
Slowly, but surely Hermione began to hum almost silently and Harry had to strain to hear, but as Teddy began to calm down the color left her cheeks and she became a little more confident and words began to form.
"Close your eyes, little baby, close your eyes, little one. The time to rest is now with the setting sun. Close your eyes little baby, close your eyes, little lad. May your dreams be filled with laughter, and good times had. I am with you sweet boy, always and forever. I am with you sweet boy, leave, I will never. So close your eyes little baby, close your eyes little one. I am with you sweet boy, as is the setting sun."
Harry watched Hermione steadily bouncing a silent Teddy who stared up at her with big hazel eyes a content look on his face. He had never seen anybody look more beautiful than she had at this moment. It wasn't just her eyes and the way they radiated against the sun, it wasn't just her hair and the way the golden tendrils framed her face. It wasn't her lips as they drew back in a smile at the little bundle in her arms. It wasn't her smooth laugh that flowed out of her mouth as Teddy smiled a toothless smile up at her, and it wasn't the willow blowing softly behind her making this moment all the more special. It was that she radiated goodness and love, something that Harry had felt without for a long time. Sure he knew he had people that loved him, and he loved them in return. But to see love in the purest form possible brought tears to his eyes and he fought them back as his eyes refused to leave her face.
Hermione didn't flinch when she raised her gaze to meet Harry's and their eyes locked. Harry was the first to break the silence which surprised Hermione.
"Something happened," Harry murmured quietly.
"I know," Hermione responded.
"Something happened in that tent…" Harry continued running a hand through his hair hesitating for a moment, "for me, something… changed."
Hermione wasn't sure what to make of his confession and she swallowed a thick lump settled in the back of her throat, "What did change… exactly?"
Harry stilled for a moment and held her gaze penetrating her eyes as if he was looking through her. He had kissed her not once, but twice, confusing their relationship to no end. Harry wanted there to be no more confusion. As complicated as it would make things he couldn't leave anything unanswered anymore. It would kill him. "Somewhere along the lines… I fell in love with you."
Hermione didn't flinch, didn't retreat, her breathing was steady, but inside her stomach was churning with unease as she stared blankly at Harry unsure of what to say or do. She had known exactly what he was going to say, she had known it for a while now, but hearing him confess she didn't know what to do.
Harry continued nervously. "I don't expect anything… I know you're happy with Ron and I need you to know how pleased I am for both of you. As hard as it is to watch you two together… I am so happy that you are happy. That's all I would ever want for you and him is to be happy-"
Hermione cut off his babble emotion strong in her voice, "How long."
"What?"
"How long have you been in love with me, or at least known you felt something."
Harry sighed, "I don't know exactly when I knew, it's complicated."
"That night in the tent… the night we danced," Hermione mumbled staring off into the distance, "I knew something happened. I knew something had changed between us. Like the friendship became heavier, like it meant something more, I mean honestly Harry until those nights we spent together I had never really thought about the idea of us… even at the time it seemed absolutely ridiculous."
Harry couldn't help, but smile slightly, "Do you know how many times I've thought the same thing."
Hermione shrugged, "Things are so different. I could've sworn that it would be the three of us for the rest of our lives. You, me and Ron… but that's never going to happen… is it."
An overwhelming sadness crept around the pair as the realization hit both of them quite hard. Hermione was right there was never going to be the simple friendship that the three had relied on for the last seven years. The heartbreaking tragedy was one that was simply just a part of growing up.
"I know that you are with Ron," Harry reiterated again, "and as much as I love him, and as much as I love you… I can't watch it. As selfish as I feel for not dealing with it, I just can't. I tried and I can't. That's why I stay away."
"In the forest?" Hermione questioned if he was still there.
"Yes," Harry nodded simply. "I spend my days with Dromeda and my nights in the forest. I love that place, but it's haunted without you."
Hermione gulped uncertainly staring down at the sleeping bundle in her arms. "Do you think… if everything hadn't happened, the war, the tent, the dance… that you would still be with Ginny… and it would be the four of us."
"I don't know." Harry honestly remarked. "It's possible."
Hermione's reserve began crumbling and tears stung the back of her eyes. She gently handed Teddy to Harry and leaned her back against the tree her hands clutching her stomach. "Everything is so bloody complicated."
Harry sighed as he adjusted to holding Teddy. "It doesn't need to be."
"What do you mean?" Hermione mumbled.
"I know you are with Ron. Do you love him?" Harry muttered the words sadly and his heart stung a little through his chest at the verbalization of what he had known for a long time.
"I do." Hermione murmured under her breath.
"That's good," Harry smiled down at her sincerity strong in his voice, but his heart felt like it was being ripped out of his chest. "I'm glad you're happy."
Hermione stared at Harry a single tear rolling down her cheek. "Where does that leave you?"
"I'll be okay." Harry muttered unconvincingly even too himself.
"I mean what do you want Harry?"
"I want you to be happy. I want Ron to be happy."
Hermione grumbled in frustration. "Do you want to be happy?"
"Happy was never in the cards for me," Harry shrugged his slumped shoulders.
"Harry what do you want?" Hermione persisted, "What is going to make you happy?"
"If you're happy, I'm happy."
Hermione groaned and ran her hands through her hair.
"What's wrong?" Harry asked in concern.
"Harry what do you want?"
"I just told you-"
"Stop!" Hermione raised her voice to a dull yell. "Stop being selfless for once and tell me what you want because I'm pretty sure I know the answer!"
"What do you want me to say?"
"I want you to tell me what your actions say, but your bloody morals won't let you. For once forget about Ron, forget about Ginny, forget about me and just tell me what you want, what is going to make you happy."
Harry gritted his teeth in frustration, "I can't, it's not right."
"Stop with right and wrong!" Hermione continued to yell as Harry stared at her. "What do you want Harry!"
"You!" Harry blurted it out before he had even realized what he had said, "I just want you…"
Hermione glared at him through teary eyes clenching her fists.
"Is that not the answer you were looking for?" Harry raised his voice an octave catching Hermione off guard as well. "Do you know what it feels like to want something you know you shouldn't want! Do you know how bad I feel betraying my best friend, betraying Ginny, making your life more complicated than it already is?"
"I'm going to Australia," Hermione spouted determinedly.
Harry looked at her wide eyed like she had an aneurism. "What the bloody hell are you talking about?"
"I'm going to Australia… to find my parents," Hermione said again.
"Okay," Harry was beyond confused. "Does Ron know?"
"No… nobody does," Hermione shrugged almost smiling at her little secret. "Everything happened so fast after the war, the burrow, me and Ron, you leaving… I haven't really even had time to really think about what it is that I want and well I have... and... I want my parents back. I'm going to try and restore their memories."
Harry watched her through curious eyes, "that's not all though?"
"No…" Hermione muttered nervously wringing her hands together. "Harry… I'm going to find them and I want you to go with me."