Silence is heavy. Sagging under the weight of things left unsaid.

They had been dancing around the secrets like school children. How many times had she said she didn't know? How many times did he say he didn't want to talk about it? She said she didn't know because the decision would hurt too many people. He didn't want to talk about it because he had been terrified of the hurt her decisions would leave behind.

Seven o'clock came sooner and later than Harry would have liked. He spent the day in anticipation of their reunion, but dreading the conversations that would follow.

Hermione had not returned to the Leaky Cauldron after her run in with Harry. She went about her errands with the intention of getting her school belongings as quickly and discretely as possible.

Neither of them had seen Ron in Diagon Alley, and while he had clearly ignored their letters, both Harry and Hermione had been relieved that he had not shown up that day, as it would have only complicated things further.

Harry knocked softly on the door of Room 42 at 7:03pm. He had been on time, but it had taken him a few minutes to gather up the nerve to enter and as the door creaked open Harry was met with a pair tired brown eyes. Hermione was dressed comfortably, in sweats and a jumper, and her hair was pulled back in a loose plat. Her weak smile did not meet her eyes and she motioned for him enter.

Harry felt as he did when he was eleven, walking around the Dursley's house, trying to make himself as small as possible. The room was large, with a fireplace, a four-poster canopy bed, and seating area. He placed his rucksack gently by the door and stiffly settled into one of the pale pink armchairs.

Hermione let out a sigh as she joined him, folding herself into the chair opposite him, arms crossed tightly over her chest.

"Why does this feel so awkward?" Harry said as he leaned forward placing his head in his hands.

Hermione shrugged. "Because we've been avoiding this conversation since the moment we left."

"I don't even know where to start…" he trailed off, "Ron… blimey, I don't know there's so much stuff…" He raised his gaze to meet hers, but she looked past him out the window. "I'm so fucking mad at you…"

Her eyes snapped back to his and that feeling of rage she had been trying to suppress all day began to bubble in her stomach. "You're mad at me?"

"Yeah, I'm fucking mad at you."

Hermione opened her mouth to respond but Harry held his hand up to stop her.

"No, let me say this. I'm so fucking mad at you-"

"That's the third time you've said that-"

"Then I'll say it a fourth time," Harry raised his voice an octave. "I'm so mad at you Hermione, but I'm even more mad at myself. You were right this afternoon when you said that I've been avoiding this. I've been avoiding a lot of things since the war ended and this conversation has been at the top of the list."

She bit her lip eyes narrowed as she waited for him to continue.

Harry stood his trainers creaking against the floor and he began to pace back and forth. "I want to say I'm sorry." He paused to look at her, eyes shining with sincerity. "I'm sorry for leaving you that night. What I did was wrong. I left when I told you that I would stay and help you find your parents. I told you that we would figure everything out and that it was okay… but it wasn't… I wasn't okay with it. I shouldn't have given you an ultimatum and I shouldn't have made promises that I couldn't keep. I think I've been so scared of losing you that I've been willing to look past everything to keep you."

Hermione swallowed back the lump in her throat. His confession had thrown her. A single tear escaped from her eye and she quickly blinked it away. "I'm sorry too, Harry," she whispered softly. "I'm sorry that you overheard my conversation with Bill. I'm sorry for the things I said, that I couldn't give you the answer that you needed to hear that night. I'm sorry for… this afternoon… there's a lot that I'm sorry for."

They stood across from each other a mountain of words between them and Hermione asked the question she had been burning to know since he had disappeared that night.

"Where did you go?"

Harry sighed, "I went to Coomera. I… saw you… with your parents. I wanted to make sure…"

Hermione's eyes bulged and she stood in a rush, "You were there?"

Harry leaned against the wall and closed his eyes as he nodded. "I needed to make sure you found them."

This realization hit Hermione hard and her stomach hurt as she tried to dial back the nausea. It would have been so much simpler if he had left, so much easier to hate him for abandoning her.

"So, you went with Bill?" Harry mumbled forcing the conversation to continue.

Hermione nodded and proceeded to tell Harry about the remainder of her time in Australia, about her parents, about deciding to go back to Hogwarts.

"And your mum, she's pregnant?"

"Nearly seven months," Hermione gave a small smile, "it's a girl."

"That's wonderful," Harry returned her smile and Hermione couldn't help the jolt that her stomach gave and she met his green eyes. Their attraction was magnetic. One look could set her body on fire and she turned away from him before her judgment clouded.

"So… you stayed in Coomera… and then where did you go?"

"To Andromeda's," Harry cleared his throat, "She's the one who gave me a right thrashing about leaving."

"And you wrote to Ron?" Hermione said this with her back turned and arms crossed. The name had been a topic of avoidance for so long that it felt almost wrong to be talking about it. Like speaking of him was an even bigger betrayal than the evasion.

"I did." Harry said simply trying to hide the emotion in his voice, "It sounds like you did as well."

Her head bobbed up and down in confirmation, but she turned around quickly stuttering over her words, "Its not like that… I didn't… I just told him we needed to talk."

"I believe you." Harry said gently trying to ease her panic.

"I'm sorry," Hermione said suddenly and Harry held up his hands in protest.

"You don't have to keep apologizing. I get it."

"You don't get it," Hermione's voice was sharper than it had been, "that night you asked me to choose you and I told you I didn't know."

"It doesn't matter."

Hermione pressed forward and stood directly in front of him forcing his eyes to meet hers, "It does matter because I did know! I wasn't torn between the two of you Harry… that hasn't been the issue for a long time. If it were that simple it would've been you. But you know as much as I do how much this is going to hurt him, not just the idea of me with somebody else, but with that somebody else… being you."

And despite the hope and pain that Hermione's words had swelled in him, he understood. He understood perhaps even more than she did.

Harry stepped past her and collapsed into the armchair pinching the bridge of his nose, "I never told you about the locket."

"What locket?"

"Salazar Slytherin's locket…" Harry said in a low voice, "the horcrux that Ron destroyed. When I opened it… he saw… well he saw a lot of things, but one of them was you and me. You preferring me over him… kissing… it was… like a heightened version of the way he had been acting before he left. Jealous and scared that we were… getting together."

Hermione couldn't help the gasp that escaped her throat and she clamped a hand over her mouth.

"So, I get it…" Harry struggled to finish, "I get why you couldn't choose me. I get why it was so hard. I mean even without the horcrux he's always acted this way. He's always been jealous and suspicious about the two of us, about anybody you've shown interest in. Blimey, I told him I loved you like a sister… obviously that wasn't true. I just said it because… well I don't know why. Because I didn't want to hurt him either. I don't want to hurt him."

Hermione spoke through her hand, her voice garbled with emotion, "We can't keep doing this."

"I know," Harry agreed passively his voice sad, his head buried in his hands.

"Its not for the reasons you think Harry," Hermione walked around to the front of the armchair and knelt in front of him placing her hands on his knees. It was the first time she had touched him since they had been together and it made his stomach clench with longing. "It is NOT because I don't love you Harry, because I do love you. I love you so much it hurts."

Harry raised his head to look at her, "I love you too."

"I know. I know that Harry, but this love has made both of us do things that neither of us are proud of. I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. Like today, attacking you?"

"You were angry," Harry interrupted, "I left you-"

"It wasn't rational Harry! It was mad! That's not who I am!" She stood pulling away from him and he immediately missed her, "That's not who I want to be."

"Are you saying I make you worse?" Harry couldn't hide the anger in his voice.

"You said those words! You told me we bring out the worst in each other!"

"I told you I loved you despite that!"

"And I love you in spite of everything Harry," her voice cracked and she turned around to face him, "but I'm tired. I'm tired of hurting you and I'm tired of being hurt and I'm tired of lying to everybody. I'm exhausted and I need a break."

Harry exhaled a heavy breath and braced himself against the chair, his heart thumping rapidly and he closed his eyes. "I'm tired too," he admitted softly and after a moment he said, "what are we going to do about Ron?"

"Are you ready to tell him?" Hermione asked hesitantly.

"No…" Harry laughed coldly, "but are we ever going to be ready to tell him? Is he even going back to school?"

"I don't know, I haven't heard from him." She paused for a moment then raised her head eyebrows knit together. "Are you going back to school?"

Harry looked at her out of the corner of his eye. "Sort of."

"What does sort of mean?" Hermione's spoke sharply.

"I have an arrangement with McGonagall. I'm living in Hogsmeade."

"Why?"

"Why am I going back or why am I living in Hogsmeade?"

"Why are you living in Hogsmeade?"

Harry let out a breath, "The same reason I stayed away from everybody all summer. The idea of being back at that school with all of those people… it just unnerves me."

Hermione watched him for a moment, "So you're going to be in classes and at meals and at quidditch…"

"Classes," Harry said abruptly.

"That's it?" Hermione couldn't help the desperation in her voice. "I'll see you only in classes?"

"You just told me you needed a break!" Harry remarked sarcastically.

Hermione ignored his quip, "And what about quidditch, you're not going to play?"

"I told McGonagall to give Captain to Ginny."

"Why are you doing this?" Hermione said angrily.

"Doing what?"

"Depriving yourself of all of the things that make you happy! You deserve so much more than you allow yourself to have."

Harry's mouth hung open poised for a response, but he didn't have one. He turned around and ran a hand through his hair, "Because I'm fucked up."

"You're not fucked up Harry," Hermione whispered as she placed a hand on his back.

"It doesn't even matter," Harry stepped away from her and her arm fell limp. He walked towards the window staring out at the quiet street as the sun began to disappear behind the buildings. "My being in Hogsmeade is going to make it a lot easier for us to stay away from each other."

"That's not what I want Harry…" Hermione said in frustration.

"What exactly is it that you do want? Because all I've been hearing for the last hour is what you don't want. And bloody hell don't say you don't know."

"Oh stop being so self-righteous. You're going back to school so you can live like a ghost."

"Me self-righteous, says the girl who doesn't want to keep lying, but isn't ready to tell Ron what she's been doing all summer."

"And you are?" Hermione spat, "Why don't you send him an owl right now and tell him everything that we've been doing. Go right ahead. He's your friend to Harry."

"I tried to stay away!" Harry bellowed. "I was going to leave and then you fucking kissed me."

"So, we're back there!" Hermione threw her hands up in complete exasperation. "You fault me for telling you what I don't want, but this is exactly what I don't want! This petty, toxic, ugly fucking love. This is exactly what I didn't want to do. I'm so tired of fighting with you Harry. Of feeling so angry, hurt and desperate all the time, that's what I want a break from, the ugly side of all of this. And its not just you Harry, It's been a terrible year for everybody. I want to move forward. I want to start taking steps towards the future and I don't know what that looks like, but I have to at least start reaching for it."

Hermione had caught him. He wanted to fight. He wanted to scream her faults from the rooftops so he didn't have to accept what was coming. She was right… it was ugly, this side of love, these things they had brought out and encouraged in one another.

"I'm sorry…" he said recognition strong in his voice, "you're right this is getting… crazy."

Hermione breathed heavily as the conflict subsided as quickly as it had surfaced, "I'm sorry too. I didn't mean half those things."

"You meant some of them," Harry raised his right eyebrow and Hermione couldn't help the smile that pulled at her lips.

"Perhaps a few."

They stared at each other from across the room. There were so many more things they could say, but the truth had been laid bare. They were both rudderless trying to move forward, tired of hurting each other through secrets and lies. So they were pressing pause and trying to regain a semblance of life without the destructive nature their relationship had taken on.

So, what do we do?" Harry asked limply, "we just go back to school and… live our lives?"

Hermione swallowed heavily, "I think we need to… at least until we're ready to be honest. I can't keep sneaking around and we're…"

"Like a fucking tidal wave," Harry said with sad finality. He walked to the door, pulled his rucksack over his shoulder, and looked back at Hermione. "So, I guess I'll see you at school?"

"See you at school," she whispered softly.

Harry turned the knob and had one foot out the door when Hermione stopped him her voice high pitched. "Harry?" she called after him.

He raised his eyes willing himself to remain steady.

"It wasn't all ugly. I just want you to know that… you and me …it was beautiful."

"It was," Harry's voice cracked and his eyes bore into her with such longing that she was sure her heart was shattering.

The moment was heartfelt and heart wrenching. They had shared moments of extreme joy and bone-crushing grief. It had been fiery hot at times and icy cold at others. It was like both of them were trying to hold onto something that was slipping through their fingers, and they didn't understand why.

Harry gave her a last look and forced himself to turn. "I'll see you at school," he mumbled inaudibly and the door clicked shut behind him.