The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is drunk at the bar again. Just more madness from my tiny mind!
Get Him To The Geek
"We have a bodyguard assignment?" Archer asked his mother in her office. Krieger and Pam were with him.
"Whose body are we guarding?" Pam asked. "Some sexy dame who wouldn't mind some fingerprints on her?"
"If it is I volunteer for that!" Archer quipped.
"Shut up!" Mallory snapped before showing them a picture on the screen of a serious looking man with a brown beard. "This is Dr. Alvin Kapernak, a theoretical scientist from the University of Illinois."
"Let me guess," Archer sighed as he poured himself a drink. "He came up with some kind of formula that some kind of terrorists want. Blah, blah, blah…"
"No," Mallory shook her head. "Unless there's a terrorist group that is studying the effects of black holes in space. But since I doubt it…"
"Okay so he probably saw a murder or something," Pam guessed. "And we have to protect him from the mob."
"No," Mallory told her. "Unless the mob put out a hit on a Pomeranian in his upscale neighborhood…"
"Okay I've got one," Krieger began.
"Shut up!" Mallory snapped.
"Not fair!" Krieger protested. "Everybody else got to guess!"
"Okay fine!" Mallory rolled her eyes and took a drink. "What's your guess Krieger?"
"He met aliens?" Krieger asked.
"I'm assuming you're not talking about the University's janitorial staff," Mallory said dryly. "No! Now shut up and let me explain."
"We would if you wouldn't stop yelling," Archer told his mother.
Mallory made a sigh. "Kapernak is going to attend the University of New York's conference on Theoretical Possibilities of the Mathematic Probabilities of Outer Space in two days."
"That sounds…" Archer paused. "Incredibly geeky."
"It is," Mallory told him. "The University of Idaho hired us to escort Kapernak to the convention."
"Why?" Pam blinked.
"From what I can tell it's basically an ego project by the university," Mallory explained. "See their rival university recently had their mathematician win a Nobel prize for making up some formula to calculate the distance of space or something."
"You can get a prize for that?" Archer was stunned.
"Apparently," Mallory shrugged. "And Kapernak is moving up in the world of nerds. And the university wants to improve their prestige by claiming they have important scientists on staff as well so…"
"In other words," Archer realized. "They're doing what we're doing."
"Faking it to get good ratings and better jobs," Pam finished.
"Exactly," Mallory nodded.
"This guy isn't even in danger, is he?" Pam realized.
"Of course, he's not in danger Pam!" Archer barked. "This guy is a theoretical math nerd. The only people after them are jocks in 80's movies. And since this guy isn't in high school anymore…"
"I realize this isn't the most glamourous assignment," Mallory sighed. "But we need more ratings on GSW. And one good rating will lead to more jobs and more good ratings. And so on and so on."
"Wouldn't it be easier for Krieger to hack into the website and put in a few fake good ratings?" Archer asked.
"I tried that," Krieger sighed. "GSW has a really good firewall."
"Since Lana and Cyril are on missions," Mallory remarked. "And Ray is on his three days off…"
"How did Ray get three days off a week?" Archer interrupted angrily.
"Because he runs around doing courier missions the other four!" Mallory snapped. "Honestly it's worth it to get the ratings and keep one of you idiots out of my hair!"
"What is Ray doing on his days off?" Pam asked. "I can barely reach him."
"Yeah, it's like he's not even here anymore," Krieger agreed.
"Who knows? Who cares?" Mallory waved. "That lazy little lay about is probably loafing around by a pool somewhere checking out the cabana boys. Doing absolutely nothing!"
Meanwhile…
Ray was in a small office working diligently on several papers. He was wearing an IIA black suit and cheerfully whistling along.
He used a portable scanning machine to scan the papers he was working on. "Scan quarterly reports. Send via e-mail…" Ray remarked as he did so. "And there. Done! Huh. Now I know why Cyril is always so happy to do paperwork. It is satisfying to get something done."
"And more importantly I don't get shot at."
Ray's computer beeped. "Wow. I just got a two-hundred-dollar bonus for filing my paperwork ahead of schedule. And an extra hundred for no mistakes. I just earned some money for my IRA account!"
Ray realized something. "I am getting more money doing part time office work for IIA than I ever did as a full agent at The Agency. And a better health plan too."
Ray's badge beeped. "Oh! It's break time! I hope I see Terry again. He seemed nice."
Back to the Agency…
Archer was complaining. "Mother this job could literally be done by a crossing guard. Why do we have to do these dumb rinky-dink assignments?"
Mallory looked at him. "Because with IIA taking most of the good spy jobs, we're stuck with whatever we can get! And the only way we're going to get any better jobs is if we get better ratings! Just make sure Kapernak gets to the conference! And don't screw this up!"
"Please," Archer waved. "This job is cake. How can we possibly screw this up?"
FLASHFORWARD!
"I can't believe you screwed this up!" Kapernak shouted at Archer and his crew outside of the airport.
"We didn't screw it up," Archer waved as he drank from his flask.
"You got us kicked off the airline!" Kapernak shouted. "How is that not a screw up?"
"It's not my fault," Archer protested. "The TSA are total dicks!"
"They were rather judgmental, weren't they?" Krieger admitted. "They totally overreacted when they confiscated my samples!"
"Not really," Pam remarked. "I told you not to bring anything mutated or radioactive!"
"Technically the samples were only mutated and slightly radioactive," Krieger explained. "Oh wait…"
"We were lucky that we weren't arrested!" Kapernak snapped. "Why did you bring those…things?"
"I thought you might want to check them out," Krieger explained. "You know? Compare notes? A scientist to scientist kind of thing."
"You know I'm a theoretical scientist, right?" Kapernak asked.
"So? Krieger's a scientist only in theory," Pam snickered. "And it was the call I made to Ms. Archer that got us off."
"But not on the plane!" Kapernak snapped.
"Hey we're not in a jail cell," Pam told him. "Again, no thanks to Archer."
"At least I wasn't hitting on the TSA agent during the pat down," Archer looked at Pam.
"No, you just hit the TSA agent when he tried to confiscate your hooch," Pam snorted.
"Regulations my ass!" Archer barked. "You know he was just trying to drink it for himself. I know all about that racket!"
"Will you people stop making a racket?" Kapernak snapped. "You're causing a scene! God, I knew this whole farce was a mistake! It will be fine, Dean Pembroke said. People will think you're a big shot if you come in with actual bodyguards from a real spy agency he said! Once again, one of Pembroke's dumb ideas backfires. Onto me!"
"Guys chill," Pam said. "We have two days to get to New York. We can totally do it. We just have to get the right vehicle."
"I'm on it," Krieger punched something in on his smartphone. "I've got an account on a ride rental service."
"You mean like Hertz?" Pam asked.
"Yes," Krieger shrugged. "It's called Van-Halla!"
"Why is it…?" Archer realized something. "Oh, dear God no…"
FLASHFORWARD!
On the highway sped a van. A black van covered in stars with the image of a woman in a black bikini riding a metallic unicorn.
"Oh yeah!" Krieger grinned as he drove the van. "This van is sweet! Not as sweet as my ride mind you…"
"But at least it has velvet seats," Archer remarked as he sat in the back with Kapernak. "That only slightly smell like pot and potato chips."
"Is that what that smell is?" Kapernak groaned.
"The smell is stronger up here," Pam said. She was riding shotgun up front.
"That's why I'm sitting in the back," Archer told her. "My dry cleaner is not going to be happy with me as it is."
"I'm in Hell," Kapernak sighed as he sat in the back holding his briefcase like a life preserver.
"Nah, you're just in…" Pam paused. "What state are we in again?"
"Still in Idaho," Krieger told her.
"That explains the potato chip smell," Archer realized.
"I knew we should have went with IIA," Kapernak grumbled.
"Watch it," Archer growled.
"Think of it this way," Pam suggested. "You're seeing America!"
"What I am seeing are cars, highways…" Kapernak winced at the décor around him. "Tacky décor. And lot of drunken weirdoes."
"Yeah that's America all right," Krieger grinned. "Isn't it great?"
BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!
"OW!" Kapernak shouted as his head hit the van as it went over a bump.
"A lot of potholes though," Krieger remarked.
"Krieger be careful!" Archer snapped as he held his flask. "I almost spilled my scotch! Kapernak you want any?"
"No!" Kapernak glared at him as he rubbed his head. "I don't drink. I feel that alcohol dulls the senses."
"Well duh," Archer scoffed. "Why do you think I drink it?" He took a swig.
Kapernak grumbled. "Should have went with IIA. But noooo! Dean Pembroke had to be economical! And go with one of the low rent agencies!"
"That's not being helpful, Kapernak," Archer warned.
"It's true," Kapernak grumbled. "You get what you pay for."
HONK! HONK! HONK!
"Geeze guy," Krieger grumbled as he glanced at the rearview mirror. "I'm going slightly over the speed limit! No need to ride my ass! Go around!"
"Just slow down," Pam remarked. "That will really irritate his ass!"
"Uh Pam," Archer remarked. "You may not want to do that."
"Why not?" Pam asked.
FLASHFORWARD!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
"When the hell did everyone start carrying heat on the freeway?" Archer shouted as he shot his guns at the large car firing back at him. The van door was open so he could get a better shot. "I mean if this was LA I'd get it but still…"
BANG! BANG! BANG!
"AAAAHHH!" Kapernak screamed in terror as he clung to his briefcase. "WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE GONNA DIE!"
"No, we're not!" Pam snapped. "We've been through like at least a hundred of these things and nobody ever died! Well except for Brett. And the other guys we were shooting at."
BANG! BANG! BANG!
"AAAAAHHH!" Kapernak screamed.
Archer aimed his gun and managed to shoot the driver shooting at him dead. The car swerved off to the side of the road, flipped over and exploded in a ball of flame. "See?" Pam said cheerfully. "I told you we weren't going to die!"
"Okay we might want to get off this road in case the cops show up," Archer cautioned as he closed the van door. "And change vans if that's possible."
"I'm on it," Pam had her phone out. "I'll get us a new ride. No questions asked!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"I have a question," Archer looked around the second van with the yellow shag carpeting and seventies décor. "Why hasn't there been a recall on this type of van?"
"Oh, there was," Pam told him as Krieger drove another van with a tie dye paint job. "But the company I rented it from didn't return it. Actually, it wasn't as much a company as it was a guy I know whose sister I gave money to in order to start her hot air balloon ride business. Nice people."
"This one smells even worse than the last one," Kapernak groaned.
"Definitely more pot than potato chips," Archer agreed.
"At least we're in Indiana now," Pam told him. "Hoosier State! YEAH!"
BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!
"OW!" Kapernak and Archer said at the same time as their heads hit the van ceiling.
"Home of the potholes," Archer groaned.
BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!
"I need bodyguards to protect me from my bodyguards," Kapernak groaned as he rubbed his head.
"To be fair," Pam admitted. "We do tend to lose at least half of the people we try to protect."
"Half?" Kapernak gasped. "You're joking!?"
"Yeah, I thought it was way more than that," Archer remarked.
"Our numbers went up when you went on your little sabbatical," Krieger told him. "And by sabbatical, I mean your coma."
"I know what that means, Krieger!" Archer snapped.
BUMP! BUMP!
"Damn it Krieger!" Archer shouted. "Are you trying to put me in another sabbatical?"
"I'm not the one digging up the road," Krieger told him. "Boy there's a lot of construction going on this highway."
BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!
"I should have done one of those Zoom things," Kapernak groaned.
WHAM!
"Oh my God!" Krieger gasped. "I think we hit a dog! The van could be dented!"
"STOP THE VAN!" Archer protested.
Krieger did so. Archer jumped out the van. "I'm coming little buddy!"
"Oh, for crying out loud!" Kapernak grumbled as he got out. "Then again any excuse to get out of that death trap…"
"Archer you can't just…" Pam said as she and Krieger went over with him.
"I think I need to give this dog mouth to mouth," Archer winced. "Eww…"
"Don't do that!" Kapernak saw what it was. "First of all, that's not a dog!"
"It's not?" Archer did a double take.
"It's a raccoon you idiot!" Kapernak pointed to the furry body.
"Well it was," Pam remarked. "How did you not know that Archer?"
"It's dark out!" Archer protested. "And I didn't think raccoons got this big!"
"They do," Pam told him.
"Huh that explains the mask," Archer paused. "Still. Poor raccoon. I'll call him Rocky."
"Call it Roadkill!" Kapernak snapped. "Can we go now? The sooner you stop grieving over this diseased rodent's carcass…"
"RRARRRRRR!" The raccoon leapt up and attacked Kapernak.
"AAAAAHHHH!" Kapernak screamed as he tried to get the raccoon off him.
"Oh good," Krieger said cheerfully. "The raccoon's not dead."
"AAAAAHHHHH!" Kapernak screamed as he was mauled. "GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"
"Is that such a good idea?" Pam asked.
"We're his bodyguards Pam," Archer sighed as he took out his gun.
"Oh right," Pam realized.
"OWWWW! OOWWW! OOWWW! AAAAAHHH!"
"I feel bad about shooting a raccoon though," Archer paused.
"Well if it makes you feel any better," Pam said. "Think of it as shooting a really big rat in a mask and fur coat."
"Racoons aren't rats Pam!" Archer snapped. "They're part of the Procyonid family!"
"What the heck is that?" Pam asked.
"It's a classification by itself," Krieger explained. "They're actually closely related to the bear family."
"But they're not bears," Archer added.
"No, no, no…" Krieger shook his head.
"I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY ARE!" Kapernak screamed. "GET IT OFF ME! AAAAHH!"
"Other Procyonids include ringtails," Krieger listed. "Kinkajous…"
"WILL YOU MUTAL OF OMAHA MORONS SHUT UP AND HELP ME?" Kapernak screamed. "AAAAHHH!"
The raccoon screamed in Kapernak face. Slapped him a few times and ran off. "Oh. I guess the problem solved itself," Pam remarked.
"They usually do in situations like this," Krieger remarked.
"Oohhh…." Kapernak moaned.
"Aw come on," Pam looked at Kapernak. "You're not even bleeding that much."
"We should fix him up," Archer remarked.
"I'll get the rabies shot," Krieger turned and went back to the van.
Sometime later…
"See? You're all patched up and none the worse for wear," Archer remarked as he drank some scotch in a bar.
Kapernak glared at him. He had scratches on his face. A big band aid on his forehead. His clothes were scratched up. "Are you kidding me?" He shouted.
"Geeze why are you so mad?" Pam remarked as she drank some scotch.
"Why do you think?" Kapernak snapped. "I got kicked off of an airline. Got involved in a shootout. I was mauled by a raccoon from Hell! I'm fairly certain I have concussion. And possibly rabies. There's the smell of pot and potato chips in my clothes. I have bite marks in places I don't want to know about!"
"Yeah that would ruin your day," Archer remarked.
"And now I'm in a bar somewhere in Indiana," Kapernak grumbled.
"Actually, we're in Ohio now," Archer corrected.
"We crossed a state line while you were unconscious," Krieger said as he took a drink of scotch.
"Swell," Kapernak groaned.
"Cheer up and have a drink," Pam said.
"I know it's no Glengoolie Blue," Archer remarked. "But this local brand isn't half bad."
"Yeah, who knew they made scotch in Ohio?" Krieger nodded.
"You do learn new things when you travel," Pam nodded.
"Oh, I am learning things you wouldn't believe," Kapernak grumbled.
"Just have a drink," Archer said. "You'll feel better."
"Normally I would abstain and make a comment on how I feel that alcohol dulls the brain and senses," Kapernak paused. "But after the day I have had, I think I would welcome a little mind-numbing intoxicant!"
"That's the spirit!" Pam grinned. "I'll get it for you. Hey bartender! Another Tom's Foolery over here!"
"An appropriate moniker for the occasion if there ever was one," Kapernak groaned. "I am just going to have one drink. Use the facilities which I question their sanitation. And then we are out of here!"
Twenty minutes later…
"I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE!" Kapernak howled in delight as he finished another scotch. He had thrown off his jacket and tie. "Ooh! Is that a Karaoke machine? I always wanted to try that!" He ran over to try it.
"Wow," Pam chuckled as she drank. "Talk about a 180 in the personality!"
"He only drank three glasses of scotch," Archer blinked.
"Well Archer," Krieger shrugged. "Not everyone has your metabolism."
"Judy, Judy, Judy do you love me?" Kapernak sang. "Judy, Judy, Judy do you care?"
"Clearly not," Pam snorted.
"He couldn't have gotten that drunk on scotch that fast," Archer realized. "Unless…Did one of you guys give him something else?"
"I may have slipped a little something-something in his drink," Pam admitted. "What? He was being a total downer."
"I gave him an LSD breath strip," Krieger admitted. "And I may have put a little something-something in his shot."
"Ah that explains it," Archer nodded.
"Judy are you thinking of me?" Kapernak was on his knees singing. "Judy will you be there?"
"Are you hitting on my girlfriend?" A large man shouted as he stood up.
"I hope so!" A woman sitting next to him shouted. "He's been more romantic on this date than you have!"
"WHAT?" The large man shouted.
"Uh oh," Pam gulped.
"This is going to get ugly really fast," Archer sighed.
Twenty seconds later…
"I was right!" Archer groaned as he punched out a large man. A raging barfight was going on.
"RARRRRR!" Pam punched out one man then threw a barstool at another.
"WHEEEEEEE!" Kapernak squealed with delight as he sailed across the bar.
"I have weird chemicals and I will use them!" Krieger shouted as he pulled out some chemicals.
"Don't use the chemicals Krieger!" Archer shouted.
"Why not?" Krieger asked.
Less than five minutes later…
"Okay," Archer groaned as he looked out of the window of the van as they drove away from the raging fire that was once the bar. "I'm starting to think this is a thing for us."
"As Cheryl always says," Pam took a drink. "It wouldn't be a good mission without a decent fire."
"You are spending way too much time together," Archer groaned.
"I was in a bar fight!" Kapernak shouted happily. "And I kicked ass!"
"Okay you definitely have a concussion," Krieger remarked as he drove.
Pam blinked. "I think when the stick fell out of that guy's ass, his brain slid all the way down out after it!"
"Like the stick was holding his brain into place," Archer finished the metaphor. "I saw where you were going with that."
"How about some nice relaxing music to calm you down?" Krieger turned on the CD player. "I put in my greatest hits of Rush for occasions such as this."
"Rush Limbaugh?" Kapernak blinked. "That guy?"
"No, not him," Krieger corrected. "This is a rock band from Canada. Way better."
"Oh, this will be a long trip," Archer sighed as the music started to play.
A few hours later…
Kapernak had a happy look on his face. "How have I never heard this before? This is the greatest music I ever heard!"
"I know right?" Krieger nodded in agreement.
"I think Krieger just converted him," Pam remarked. "Speaking of which can we pull into a rest stop? I just converted my drinks into piss."
"There's a bar right there," Krieger pointed.
"Even better," Pam grinned.
"I'm in," Archer nodded. "Plus, I could eat. Anybody craving nachos?"
"I want nachos," Kapernak said.
"Yeah nachos!" Pam cheered.
"Maybe some nachos?" Archer shrugged.
Ten minutes later…
"What are the odds there would be a tag team nacho eating contest at this bar?" Krieger remarked as he and Archer watched Pam and Kapernak eat ravenously.
"With Pam?" Archer shrugged as he drank. "One to one."
Another ten minutes later…
"I AM THE NACHO KING!" Kapernak staggered around covered in nacho sauce.
"Dude I did most of the work," Pam looked at him. "I'm not saying you didn't help but…"
"I am the Nacho King!" Kapernak staggered. "I am…BLEAAAAAAAHH!" He promptly vomited all over the floor.
"Amateur," Pam rolled her eyes.
"You are just damn lucky the bar owner is used to people throwing up," Pam told Kapernak as she helped him out of the bar. She was holding him on one side and Archer on the other.
"Even luckier that we had an agency credit card to charge the bill on," Archer corrected. "Oh well. Let Robert pay for it."
"My mouth tastes like carpet," Kapernak moaned.
"Here you go buddy," Krieger stuck a breath mint strip into his mouth. "Down the hatch. Let it dissolve."
"Oooh…" Kapernak blinked. "Tingly."
"Did you just give Kapernak another LSD breath mint?" Archer asked.
"Oops," Krieger blinked. "My bad."
"Let's just go," Archer groaned.
"Uh about that," Pam pointed to the van. The tires had been stolen and it was on cinderblocks.
"Who would steal tires from a crappy van?" Archer groaned.
"No! NO! NO!" Krieger ran into the van.
"You'd be surprised," Pam sighed. "Five will get you ten they also stole the catalytic converter. That's where the big money is."
"Really?" Archer did a double take.
"Yeah thieves sell them for scrap at junkyards," Pam nodded. "It's a real problem lately."
"Good news!" Krieger grinned holding something up. "They didn't get my Rush CD!"
"What do we do now that we don't have any wheels?" Pam asked Archer. "Literally."
"My brain has gone to Floofy Town," Kapernak giggled.
"Call for a cab," Archer said. "See if it can take us to the nearest train station. Then we catch a train to New York. Easy!"
"On it," Krieger typed in his phone. "I know a service."
"Should we let Krieger pick the ride again?" Archer asked.
"Floooofffy!" Kapernak called out.
"Eh I want to see what happens," Pam shrugged as Krieger made the call.
"You know what's going to happen," Archer looked at her. "Whatever this ride is…"
Twenty-five minutes later…
"IS GOING TO BE TOTALLY AWESOME!" Archer shouted in excitement as a glamourous party bus parked in front of them. "I mean usually I don't like busses but I think I can make an exception for this one!"
"Screw Floofy Town," Kapernak agreed. "Let's go for a ride!" He jumped into the bus.
The others boarded to see a fully stocked party bus with a driver. And three very scantily clad women dancing around a stripper pole. "I thought I'd spring for the deluxe package," Krieger explained.
"Good call," Archer admitted.
"I mean Robert's going to just pay for it anyway," Pam shrugged. "And it's only to the train station."
"About that…" Archer paused. "New plan."
Ten seconds later…
"I'm loving this new plan!" Pam whooped as she drank champagne while watching the strippers dance.
"Me too!" Krieger cheered as he and Kapernak danced with the strippers.
"I AM LIVING LIFE AND I AM LOVING IT!" Kapernak howled with delight.
"I'm loving this show," Archer snickered as he sat and drank. "Yeah this is definitely better than taking the train to New York."
Several hours later as the gang departed from the bus in New York…
"What a party…" Kapernak was dazed. His jacket was gone. His hair was in all directions and he had lipstick and glitter all over his face and clothes.
"Definitely one of our better bus trips," Pam finished using a moist towelette on her face. "You missed all the fun Archer. Not like you to turn down sex with strippers."
Archer shrugged. "Actually, I think I made the right call. I liked talking to Dave the driver. Nice guy. He's got two kids in college both studying to be dentists. That's why he's driving a bus to help put them through school. He knew a lot about lacrosse. And he was very knowledgeable about the route we drove. I had no idea there were so many interesting sites and axe murders."
"Well I knew about the axe murders," Krieger shrugged.
"Dave's uncle was a cop that helped solve the Double Beheadings At Ridgeway Ridge," Archer explained. "Fascinating case."
"Who doesn't love a good axe murder revenge spree story?" Pam asked. "But you seriously preferred that to having sex?"
"In this case, yes," Archer looked at her. "Somehow and orgy with you two, Dr. Kapernak and some medium class strippers didn't have an appeal."
Pam looked at Archer. "You've gotten pickier since you got out of your coma."
"It was a sabbatical!" Archer protested.
"Lying unconscious in a hospital bed hooked up to a machine," Krieger told him. "Now that I think about it, that's how I spend a lot of my sabbaticals."
"Look we only have a few hours to get Kapernak to the conference," Archer looked at his watch. "We'd better get going."
"Hang on," Pam pointed at Kapernak. "This guy's a mess! We can't drop him off at that fancy conference looking like this!"
"She's right," Krieger nodded. "We got to clean him up and get him in a better suit."
"This time I've got this," Archer took out his phone. "Hello? Antonio? It's Archer. Look I got an emergency here. Can you fit us in like now? That's why I called it an emergency Anton! Don't worry I'm using the company credit card. Good. We'll be there in ten. See you."
Archer hung up the phone. "Okay if we leave now we can get to Antonio's shop right away. And uh Pam?" Archer smelled something. "Do you have any more of those wet wipes. Kapernak here needs to freshen up."
Not much long after Archer and the others were backstage at a lecture hall. Kapernak looked very much a dapper gentleman. "It's amazing what a good suit and some decent wet wipes will do," Archer straightened Kapernak's lapel. "Antonio has outdone himself."
"Here you are Doc," Pam said cheerfully. "Just in time for your speech. Safe and sound."
"Well safe anyway," Krieger shrugged.
"I wanna go back on the bus," Kapernak said in a dreamy tone.
"Not now," Archer said. "Speech first. Bus later."
"Oh, if I must," Kapernak grumbled as he went on stage.
"Okay," Pam grinned. "We did it! Another successful mission accomplished!"
"HELLO PEONS!" Kapernak shouted. "Nice of you losers to unstick your heads out of your asses to show up today!"
"Just had to say that didn't you, Pam?" Archer winced.
"As I stand here looking at all your faces," Kapernak went on. "Your dull. Boring Pig like faces. Soooooueeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Archer sighed. "You gave him another LSD breath strip didn't you Krieger?"
"He needed something to freshen his mouth!" Krieger snapped. "Ooh! So, do I!" He popped one into his mouth. "Ah. I taste the rainbow. The minty rainbow."
"Remind me not to let you drive for the rest of the week," Archer sighed.
"As I was saying," Kapernak remarked. "I have come up with my greatest revelation. It's what a freaking waste of time this profession is. Seriously? Theorizing black holes? Black holes? Like anyone is stupid enough to fly into one of those! We can't even get there yet! Our technology is like at least sixty to eighty years away from getting halfway across our solar system and we're talking about black holes!"
"Speaking of black holes," Krieger remarked. "I think this speech just fell into one."
"I mean let's be honest," Kapernak went on. "Theoretical science is just a lot of hooey! HOOEY! I SAY! Oh yes, we say that physics and all that can explain everything. But it can't! It can't explain bumblebees! Physics say bumblebees can't fly! But they do! Because they're not stupid enough to believe in physics!"
"What the hell good is physics if we can't even explain bumblebees? Huh? Forget it!"
"Also, what can't be explained…" Kapernak paused. "Is how glitter can stick into everywhere on your body so fast. And how pole dancers can do those spins on the poles. You should see the girls I was with on the bus! They spun around and around. And around. They spun me around! HA!"
Archer looked at the others. "It doesn't count if he goes crazy after we drop him off, does it?"
"Well he's not dead so…" Pam paused. "Nope."
"Guys," Krieger blinked. "I think we might have accidentally altered Kapernak's brain chemistry permanently."
"You think?" Archer snapped. "Wait, what do you mean by we?"
"I'm taking this opportunity to tell all of you that I'm quitting science and doing what I should have been doing with my life!" Kapernak shouted. "Following Rush on tour and getting laid! WHO'S WITH ME?"
"We should go," Pam remarked.
"Good idea," Archer gulped as they left the building as quickly as possible.
The following day in Mallory's office…
"I had some very interesting calls today," Mallory remarked as she glared at Archer, Pam and Krieger. "Once again Sterling I had to pay to get you off the no-fly list. You and the brain trust here. As well as squelch any investigations into you two starting some brawls and a bar fire!"
"That was Kapernak's fault," Archer protested.
"The man was mentally unstable," Krieger said quickly.
"Especially after being around you lot!" Mallory snapped. "I don't know how you broke him. I don't know why you broke him! BUT YOU BROKE HIM!"
"Again," Archer spoke up. "It doesn't count if he goes crazy after we delivered him!"
"I just spoke to the Dean of the University of Illinois," Mallory glared at them. "Apparently Kapernak took all of the grant money he earned and bought a bus and some hookers to go to Canada and follow Rush on tour!"
"In other news," Krieger looked at his phone. "The University of Illinois is looking for another theoretical scientist. Huh…I wonder? Nahhh!"
"And science breathes a sigh of relief," Mallory groaned.
"We got the money, right?" Archer asked.
"No, we did not," Mallory admitted. "But we did get a good rating. From Kapernak himself."
"What does it say?" Pam asked. She looked at her phone. "Hang on I've got it. It says if you want a bitching good time and a great party, call The Agency. These guys are outta sight!"
"Eh I'll take it," Mallory admitted as she took a drink. She looked at her computer. "Hang on. We got another job offer already."
"Really?" Archer perked up. "For what?"
"Charlie Sheen," Mallory blinked. "He wants us to accompany him for a private party in Aspen."
"Who's up for a trip to Aspen?" Archer called out. Everyone looked at him. "Too soon?"