Author's Note: So this chapter is hitting the angst hard, and letting the humor part dry up and die. I'm sorry, but no matter how hard I tried, there was no way to find humor in this part of the storyline.

Chapter Five: Five Stages of Grief, Three Repressed

Shepard was going to throw up. He didn't, not yet at least. He had to keep it together while he was with Liara, and Ashley. He thought he could feel the shockwave from the nuclear explosion rock the ship, even though the possibly of that happening was a solid negative seven. But logic didn't rule when someone passed. The worst part was that he kept imagining Kaiden standing right there, right next to him. Colt would convince himself that he actually was there. Kaiden was never there. Shepard was going to throw up.

People were talking to him; he could see blurs going by him and standing in front of him. Sometimes his body would rattle, but he was strangely unattached to it. It could've been a dream. He hoped it was a dream.

Colt had made many, many tough decisions in his famed career. Shepard had gotten other subordinates killed. Still, the death of Kaiden was hitting him hard, much harder than any other death of a subordinate. Why? A lot of the time the two drank with each other on shore leave. They were friends. Shepard was going to throw up.

Why had he chosen Kaiden over Ashley? He knew why. Ashley had family, sisters, waiting for her. She was also a better soldier, and therefore a better asset to Shepard. Colt shivered. He had killed a friend to save a tactical advantage.

Shouting, loud shouting, interrupted his thoughts. Doctor Chakwas stood in front of him. Worry etched on her face. Sincere concern that was past professional worry. Chakwas had to be the best doctor he had ever worked with.

"Commander, come with me. We're going to the Med Bay," the doctor said the words slowly, as if talking to a small child. Colt didn't need help. He especially didn't need to be handled like he was fragile.

Shepard snapped out of his trance, and replied, "No, no, Doctor. I think I just need to lie down for awhile." And with that Shepard edged around the good doctor and hurried to the elevator, anxious to get to his cabin.

Once he reached the cabin, he immediately went to the bathroom. He ran to his toilet and started heaving. He threw up for a good five minutes until he could no longer stand the sensation. The only thing left to do was go to sleep, so he did.

…

Liara knew this was bad, very bad. Usually Shepard would turn around in the airlock when they were being decontaminated, and talk to the people he brought on the mission. Wanting to know what they thought of the mission, what could have gone better, those sorts of things; but this time he never turned around. He didn't even so much as glance back.

Ashley Williams was much like the commander, unmoving and completely pale. The realization that Shepard had just saved her instead of Kaiden was undoubtedly sinking in. Liara was the only one not locked into a trance, she couldn't be. Shepard would need her, and acting like a zombie wasn't going to make him feel better.

It was even worse when the trio stepped into the Normandy, just behind the cockpit, and Shepard only walked in a few feet and stopped. Liara waited patiently, assuming Shepard would snap out of his trance. The minutes passed and Liara grew more concerned; Shepard hadn't moved an inch. Other crew members had noticed, and were starting to stare. Even Joker had noticed, a concerned expression painted across his face.

People had started snapping in front of his face and waving their hands, but nothing worked. Apparently Joker realized this at about the same time as Liara, because he called up Doctor Chakwas via intercom.

When Chakwas had finally reached Shepard, he snapped out of it. A quick excuse, and then a hurried walk to the elevator took him away. She tried to following, but Doctor Chakwas had stopped her. She said that Shepard would need a couple hours to himself. So Liara started the waiting game, glancing back at the clock every few minutes thinking hours had gone by.

…

When Shepard awoke, thoughts of Kaiden had already started streaming into his mind. If he had done something different, Kaiden could have lived. Thoughts like that kept flittering across his mind until a knock on the door awoke him from his silent reverie.

After a hesitant 'come in', Liara walked into his room. For a couple seconds they just stared at each other and right when it was about to get awkward, Liara opened her arms and Shepard was in them in a record time. The fact that their roles were reversed just a couple nights ago didn't escape Shepard's mind.

When they stepped away from each other, Shepard immediately missed Liara's arms. Liara looked at him, and started off hesitantly, "You're probably going to hate me after I say this, but it has to be said… Shepard, I know Kaiden's death has hit you hard, but you can't do that again. You can't zone out in the middle of the ship." Shepard was about to start arguing with her. Why couldn't he zone out? It was his ship; he could do whatever the hell he wanted. Before he could voice those opinions to Liara she continued with her speech. "People were scared, Shepard. Don't you get it? Those people admire, and trust you; when you do that it hurts them, and they lose a little faith in you. You cannot let how much this hurts show. If you do, your crew will lose faith that you can get the job done. Win the war, and then think about it." Everything she had just said was true, but that didn't mean he had to like it.

"You're right, of course," Shepard tried to laugh, but it came out as a strangled screech, "First I kill Saren, and then I let all my problems manifest into a mental illness." He tried to joke with Liara, but he knew by the look on her face that he had offended her. Prepare for a shitstorm. All Liara did, however, was turn and leave his cabin. A much worse outcome than what he thought would happen.

Colt needed to call the crew together before he fixed things with Liara...He was the one who should have been mad at her for what she said, yet she was now the one storming out of his cabin. What?

Shepard pushed that out of his mind. Meeting with his crew was his most important task at the moment. His companions would need to know that he was okay now, and ready to go Saren hunting.

…

"…Kaiden would have wanted us to catch Saren, and it's our job to stay focused so that we can do exactly that. Once we bring the turian asshole to justice, we will have a proper burial for him...Crew dismissed," Colt spoke with a confidence he did not feel. Shepard had talked for about an hour regarding the death of Kaiden, and what it meant to their mission. Although he had meant different things to different people, Shepard's message had been clear: Stop Saren first and then mourn for Kaiden.

Colt knew that he would have to make up with Liara, and saw his chance when she was leaving the conference room. He caught up with her quickly, determined to explain that he was stupid and that she should ignore half of what he says,"Liara, wait!" He waited in the middle of the conference room for her, getting more nervous with every step she took towards him. When she had stopped in front of him and looked at him expectedly, Shepard lost all the words he was planning to say. "Uhh…Liara... I am sorry," Shepard mumbled out. "What I said was supposed to be a joke, but it-ah-came out wrong."

Liara waited for a second and then started out, "Shepard, I know it was a joke, but… all I was trying to do was make you get a hold of the situation. I never wanted you to think that I don't care about your problems." So the truth came out, she wasn't mad at him for the joke, she was mad because it implied that she didn't care about his feelings. Shepard understood that, but was utterly confused as to why she was upset about it. Instead of voicing that opinion, however; he just nodded and pulled her into a hug. Commander Shepard decided then, and there that everything would turn out alright.