Author's Note: Previously on With Lions: The second paragraph deals with the technical side of the events on Palaven. If you want a better recap of Shepard's problems on Palaven and beyond, the third paragraph is for you.
Colt Shepard is ordered by Admiral Hackett to come up with a strategy to effectively rid Palaven of Reapers. Officers and officials are dwindling in the Alliance, so Shepard is set on this mission (which would typically be reserved for a more experienced, higher ranking officer). He comes up with a plan for Palaven on the way to the turian's home world. The first step of the operation (besides transporting thousands of Krogans to the planet) was to set up the Fifth Fleet on the other side of Palaven's mass relay to dispose of any retreating Reapers. Then a false order went out to move turian and Krogan forces to the southern part of Palaven. The Reapers intercepted the false order and started to concentrate on the southern end. This allowed a few Krogan ships to land planet side. The next step was to load up a couple thousand turian volunteers with explosives and then send them off to Reaper ships. Capital ships, transport ships, harvesting ships, and destroyers were all targeted. Each turian was equipped with a helmet that mimicked indoctrinated brain activity in order to be accepted onto a Reaper ship. An old turian dreadnought was then sent off to a planned point by one of Palaven's moons in order to fake a defunct mass effect core. This was done to draw Reapers away from Palaven so more Krogan could land as well as sparing the planet from thousands of large, close explosions. After everything was in place, the explosives on the turians were detonated and thousands of Reapers were either outright destroyed or crippled. Those that could still function made their way to the relay where they were promptly shredded by the Fifth Fleet. Long story short, the Miracle on Palaven was a tactical success. For Shepard, it was a nightmare.
Colt saw what appeared to be a very eccentric looking door into the command center on Palaven. He spoke to several people about it, all agreeing that the sight was strange. After the mission was carried out, Shepard left the command center through the same door. Only it was completely different. When he asked a turian about it, the turian had no idea what he was talking about. Cue the panic. Shepard got back to the Normandy, completely freaked out by the changing door. At first he thought it was indoctrination until it became evident that his crew had also seen the door. He freaked out when he thought it was indoctrination and partially destroyed the Mess Hall. He pulled a chair from its bolts and threw it at the cabinets. Then he managed to rip the screens down using biotics. Once he calmed down, he realized that a similar indoctrination-like incident occurred on the Tuchanka mission with a downed fighter. Shepard thought he destroyed a fighter when in reality a Krogan with a shoulder-mounted weapon had. Vega pointed out that there was an indoctrinated Krogan nearby Shepard on Tuchanka. Soon after, Colt came to the conclusion that being around indoctrinated individuals caused temporary indoctrination-like effects. If he hallucinated the door, then someone in the command center must've been indoctrinated to cause such a reaction. He figures all that out in the quiet recesses of his cabin. And that's where this chapter begins.
Chapter Eighty: Decay
"Colt."
Shepard flinched in his chair, almost going over backwards. "Holy shit, you scared the crap outta me," Shepard grinned, "That was almost a repeat of that one time in the SR-1's mess hall. You remember that?"
"I do. We were so young and naive back then. Well, I was anyways," Liara said. She looked at Shepard with a slight smile and narrowed eyes.
"I remember that whole conversation like it was yesterday..." Colt said. His words trailed as he reminisced.
"You remember every conversation like it was yesterday."
"True. You seem like there's something on your mind. Everything okay?" He asked.
"Well-"
"-Oh my God, I can't believe I didn't tell you," he interrupted. His mind suddenly remembering his earlier conversation with his mother, "Liara, never, ever, ever let me talk to my mother again. Ever! I just agreed to let her come aboard the Normandy in two hours. My mother. The devil spawn. I-"
"We need to talk," Liara said. Her eyes navigated his face unfailingly.
"Uhh, okay? About what?" Shepard asked. He was scared. Like really scared. Shit had gone from zero to sixty in three point five seconds. Disaster would fall if Liara broke up with him. There would be nothing in the galaxy worth saving. He would have no support system. There wouldn't be anyone dragging him through the war. He was over, he was done. This was it. This was the end. Colt couldn't do it without Liara.
How unhealthy. How utterly dependent. How disgusting. But he couldn't change the way he felt. Sometimes, he just felt the way he felt no matter how wrong it was.
"Get comfortable, we have a lot to talk about," she said. Colt flopped on their bed wearily and settled on his belly as much as he could. There was a gnawing sensation eating at his stomach, which made it difficult to lay comfortably. After he was done, his attention went back to Liara. A faint smile etched across her face disappeared as soon as his eyes met hers.
"Are you breaking up with me?" Shepard closed his eyes in preparation. The galaxy seemed to hold its breath for her answer. After all, it did entirely depend on the next five seconds.
"Of course not,"
"Oh my God. Thank God. Praise the Lord. Praise the salarian heavens. Thank the Spirits. Hug the Ancestors. Kiss the Goddess. You scared me, sooo bad. If you broke up with me, I really don't know. I'd probably propose and hope that made a difference. Maybe sing, most likely cry. Like a little bitch," Colt's words gushed out with relief.
"No, no. Nothing like that. I'm not even remotely interested in breaking up. We just need to talk."
"I understand, go ahead."
"I wanted to talk to you about how I'm feeling. Specifically, how you're making me feel," she said. "Why do you keep pushing me away? Every time I try to say or do something, you completely disregard me. Ignore me even. What have I ever done? What did I ever do to be treated like this? And you know what? Garrus and everyone else out there is asking the same questions. You've been a jerk to everyone. The crew was trying to praise you and celebrate, and you come marching in without a second thought towards them. Then you act like a four-year-old and start tossing chairs around. I felt like I'd been thrown into the middle of a child's temper tantrum. Not to mention the fact that you cost the Alliance a lot of money in damages. Don't you think that those cabinets have been through enough after the whole Jacob incident?"
Honesty. He'd been deprived most of his life of honesty. People would tell him things he wanted to hear. Colt was a superstar; he was the epitome of fame, so people would lie. They'd tell him lovely things just so they could taste fame for a second. Very few people had ever been real with him. It was nice to get the truth for once. It was nice that someone told him. He never appreciated Liara more.
Shepard knew he was being an ass. He did, but it wasn't like he could do anything about it. His body did those things, someone else did those things. He didn't do them. Colt didn't do things like that. It wasn't like him. He tried to stop himself from getting angry, but it was like shooting a Krogan, it didn't do anything. Colt Shepard stood outside while Fake Shepard acted like an asshole. He tried to get back in, to regain control, but it didn't work. Someone else inhabited his body. Someone else screamed at his subordinates, someone else ignored the people around him, someone else pushed Liara away. Colt just stood outside and watched someone else live his life.
He sat up when jitters and guilt started to make him ancy. He positioned himself on the edge of the bed, head cradled in his hands and eyes cast downwards before he spoke.
"They don't tell you what dying feels like, Liara. Believe it or not, the Alliance wasn't able to fit that tidbit into any video. You'd have thought they could've fit it in between the warnings of asari ports and gun cleaning. But they didn't. On shore leave you get the glorified accounts of near death. You get the 'light at the end of the tunnel' and what it smells like. But you don't get what it's actually like. When I joined the Alliance they told me that if I died, it would be honorable. They said I would die a hero. They just forgot to mention the truth. They didn't say that it would be one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. They didn't tell me how scary it would be, how terrified I would feel. There was no class that calmly walked you through the pain. And they certainly didn't tell me what it would do to the people I love. I pay everyday for dying and I know that you do too. I changed things when I died. You tried to commit suicide, Liara. Garrus went off to Omega to die. Chakwas told me that she felt sick every day for two years. Joker, well he's still not okay. And you know what caused all of that? Me. I did. I hurt everyone. I hurt you," Shepard paused to get his voice in check. It was dangerously close to cracking. "I'm going to die, Liara. A long time before you do, hundreds of years before you. Hell, I'm probably going to die before I'm thirty-five. And you'll have eight hundred years left. Eight hundred fucking years, Liara. Even if I somehow live to one hundred and fifty, it's gonna be a long time. I don't think I can bare putting that on you. It's so fucking cruel I can hardly believe it."
It was anyone's guess as to where this was going. Colt didn't have a fucking clue. It just kinda spewed out.
"Shepard-"
"Anderson told me I'd fuck your life up. He told me that and I believe him. I believe him because I've already fucked it up for you. He's right. I just didn't see it until I was shone. You almost killed yourself because of me; I've already fucked up everything. He's right 'cuz it already happened. That's why I'm being such an asshole... As for the others, I don't know. It's so easy to get angry these days. And it's so easy to take it out on them. Nothing's right. Nothing's going the way it's supposed to. And somehow, I'm the guy that has to make all these fucked up things not fucked up. I have to convince people that putting an ounce of effort into the war is worth it. I am dragging the galaxy through this war and it's...wearing me down… I know I'm not being the person you expect me to be. I'm not being the person I expect me to be. But it's hard, you know? I'm trying my best, know that. I am trying my very best, Liara. But it's getting to me. It's wearing to the bone. It's no excuse, but there it is," Colt gushed. More slowly he said, "I think what I'm trying to tell you is that I'm sorry. More sorry than I have ever been. I'm glad you told me about your feelings. I want us to work so badly, so thank you for telling me. Thank you for keeping me on track, Liara. I appreciate your honesty. Keep telling me this stuff. Don't shut me out. Pretty please."
What a relief to actually say something. Holding his tongue for so long made him forget how freeing the truth was. He sighed and looked up at her. Hopefully, he said what he really meant.
"I understand," she rasped while sitting down next to him, "I sometimes wonder how you do the things you do, but I still understand. It's both our jobs to be honest with each other, so there's no need to thank me. I'm here for you."
"I'm still grateful that you said something. Something terrible could've formed between us. People don't tell me the truth, Liara. Well, they do, but they don't tell me the truth about me. I'm very grateful."
"I can't even imagine what it's like to have the whole galaxy leaning on you, but-"
"-But it's still no excuse. I've never used my bad luck or unfortunate circumstances as an excuse to act the way I'm acting. I'm not starting now. I'm sorry I've been such an ass. I'll do better."
"I don't get scared when you tell me scary stuff, Colt. I get scared when you stop talking. You have to promise me that you'll tell me everything. You need to tell me every worrying thought that goes through your brain. Agreed?"
Shepard thought about it for a second before smiling and nodding, "Agreed. Can you do something for me?"
"And what would that be?" Liara's eyebrows rose with mock suspicion.
"This street has to be a two way. You gotta let me in. I have to have a strong emotional attachment to someone. I just have to, it's one of the only parts of my personality that is non-negotiable. So please, let me in. You can't be so cold or so distant. I just can't do that. I'll never be able to do that. I need you here. I mean-Do you think that's reasonable?" he said.
"I do," she agreed.
"Good. I don't wanna feel so alone," he muttered the last part unintentionally.
"Why do you always think that you're alone?"
"It's a product of my lifestyle. I've always been alone, so it's a hard transition. I've only been able to rely on myself for my entire adult life, so why would I think it's any different now? I know that it is different now, but I'm finding it difficult to change," Shepard explained.
Liara scanned his face. He looked right back in case her eyes flickered with that telling look. The one that happened when things really were over. Much to his relief, it never came.
She watched him a little longer before placing a possessive hand on the back of his neck and drawing him closer. It was a quick kiss for busy people. He wished for the millionth time that he wasn't a Commander and she wasn't the Shadow Broker.
"Do you want me to admit more of my character flaws?" He said dreamily after they broke.
"I think that's enough for one day," she laughed.
"Are you sure? I have tons more!"
Liara shook her head before a soft smile spread across her face.
Shepard put his head in his hands and sighed. "I'm going to have to apologize to everyone for being a dick, aren't I?" He sighed again. His hands moved over his head in a backwards and forwards motion.
"Yep.".
"God dammit. I've been such an ass," Colt said. He laid back on his bed. Liara shifted around for a bit before she did the same. He turned on his side and supported his head with his right arm in order to face her. She rolled on her left side to face him. The light cast from the fish tank silhouetted her against the Normandy's walls, making it look like she was almost glowing.
"Next time I say something that sounds douchey, just punch me until brains start leaking out my eyes," he said.
"That seems a bit excessive."
"Nah. Just get Cerberus to put me back together. I think Miranda's lonely without a dead person puzzle."
"That's truly horrifying."
Colt let out a laugh and let it keep rolling. It felt good. A warm feeling bubbled in his belly, eventually spreading across his body. Being alone with Liara was wonderful. And the best part was that she was laughing right alongside him.
After their laughter sputtered out, Liara looked at him thoughtfully. A long moment passed before she started to undo her gloves. She undid the piece of velcro encircling her right wrist before she pulled off the entire thing with her teeth. She then went to work on her left hand, that glove sliding off easily. She twisted her shoulders so she could place the pair on the nearby nightstand, then she turned back to him. The asari reached out her hands to his and started to undo the gloves that bound him. Colt swallowed hard.
He pulled his hand gently away from her grasp and curled it into his belly. The asari looked up to his face with a confused expression. Not that he could blame her.
An uncomfortable silence followed before Liara cleared her throat and asked, "What's wrong?"
His spine prickled with distaste. His stomach turned at the memory. Where did he start?
The scar left over from some asshole wielding acid was downright revolting. It was still a struggle looking at it everyday. Some parts of it looked perfectly normal. Others had reacted badly with his cybernetics and turned his skin dark blue and wavy. Some parts even looked like his skin had melted into itself. He started to wear gloves two days after he was released from the hospital. Once he caught Copeland shuddering at the burn. Since then, Colt took his gloves off sparingly.
Out of everything, his burn was the hardest to live with. His leg. His various scars. Everything. Everything else was kind of sexy. Nice and rugged. It made him look the way an Alliance Officer was supposed to look. Not his right arm. Not at all.
Colt played the role of pretty boy with ease. Not that he necessarily enjoyed it, but no one could deny he wasn't good at it. As a by-product, he had come to a few conclusions about himself. His looks specifically. The burn scar forced him to do the uncomfortable task of rethinking those perceptions.
Shepard clenched his jaw. Tensing the muscles, then relaxing. Tensing, then relaxing. What could he say?
He was supposed to look good for her. He was supposed to be handsome. Colt's arm filled him with shame. Or maybe it was embarrassment.
If he thought they made him look like a monster, what would Liara think?
"My hand-it's not very attractive looking," he said. Kinda lame.
The asari cocked her head as she was thinking. She shifted until she was sitting up and leaning against the backboard. "Come here," she said, patting the open space in her lap. He obliged and crawled over to her.
He positioned himself so his back and head rested against her chest. He let himself relax into her, even shutting his eyes as a profound feeling of peace settled throughout.
She took his right hand, which was resting on his thigh, and slowly started to undo his glove once more. He didn't so much as flex a muscle. After that glove came off, she took his left one off. A soft thud to his right indicated that she tossed the pair on the nightstand.
Her right hand curled its fingers around his, while her left arm was placed protectively across his chest. She drew lazy circles on his burned hand. Her head dropped down so that it was pressed to the right side of his face. Her hot breath fluttered against his neck, while slow, even breathing sounded in his ear. The rhythmic in and out of her chest against his back started to put Colt to sleep. The sense of foreboding he experienced earlier was now replaced with serenity. For once, he felt like was safe. Protected. It was nice to be shielded instead of the shield.
"I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you," she whispered in his ear.
He hummed in his chest while he considered her words. "I don't know if I'd make that promise," he mumbled through drowsiness. Her left arm tightened against his chest and she stopped drawing circles on his hand.
"Well, I would," she answered. With that, Colt shifted so that he lay sideways against her. His right cheek settled on her chest and he leaned into her once more. If there was anyone who could save him, it would be Liara.
Her right hand continued to hold his, while her left hand came to rest on his jaw and neck. Her fingers dragged across his face slowly, making him feel even more sleepy. He let himself wander the space between awake and asleep for a few minutes. He couldn't actually fall asleep with so much to do, but he could exist on the edge.
Colt's numb mind started to wake up once he reminded himself of all things still left to do today. His thoughts revved back to life. He shifted his head against her chest and let his thoughts race. "When did you know you loved me?" He asked suddenly.
"Let's see. Hmm. We were driving around in the Mako one day. You were, well, being you and driving like a blind Krogan. We were going too fast, of course, and we almost hit...Umm, what are those called?" She snapped her fingers trying to remember.
"Space cow?"
"That's right, it was a space cow. So, we almost hit one of them. Mere inches away. You jumped out right afterwards and made sure it was okay. You did a full diagnostic test on it and everything with your omni-tool. After you made sure it was okay, you got back in the Mako and started crying with relief. Do you remember that?"
"Sadly, yes. I should've blocked it out for the sake of my masculinity."
"Nothing wrong with a few tears here and there," she replied.
"I guess." Colt shrugged. How embarrassing.
"What about you?" She asked.
"It was when I was with Cerberus. You were on your Broker ship and I'd come for a visit. You told me about some ruthless Krogan warlord that had been shot in the head during a raid. I said, 'Why do these pieces of shit always die quickly? It took hours for his victims to die and he just gets a clean shot right through the head.' I, ah, shook my head and apologized for being so cold-blooded. You shrugged and said, 'I feel the same way.'
Colt clicked his tongue at the memory. It was odd that something like that turned out to be such an important moment.
"I don't know. I know sounds it weird, but that's when I knew. People always give me this strange look when I tell the truth. You know. The not-so-nice truth. I guess it was just refreshing to see that someone not only didn't think I was an asshole, but also agreed with me. It was certainly new," he told her.
"Hmm," was all she said. Her hand ran through the hairs that were starting to sprout on his head.
"I guess I better talk to everyone about my super douche status," he muttered.
"I suppose," she said against the top of his head. Her lips brushed his forehead before she curled her face into him. Neither one made a move to stand-up.
Finally, Shepard pulled himself forward, detangling his hand from Liara's. He stood up before grabbing the asari's hand and pulling her up. He took her gloves off the nightstand and handed them to her before taking his own. After situating herself, she started to walk towards the door. Colt reached out his hand and pulled her back.
One eyebrow rose, before she said with a smile, "What are you doing?"
"It seems like you're always running off somewhere," he said gently.
"Me?" She asked, putting her hands on her hips. "What about the dashing Commander that is constantly on the run?"
Colt laughed, "You've got me there." He smiled before continuing, "I just didn't want you to leave before I said thank you."
"For what?"
"For making me feel safe."
...
"Alright people, listen up. First, I would like to apologize for breaking the Galaxy Record regarding being a shithead. I realize that all previous attempts of assholish-like behavior pale in comparison to my super douchey mood earlier today. I apologize for all the destruction. It was unacceptable. I will be handing out drugs later today in order to reconcile. I figure we can pass around the Peace Pipe and talk about our feelings. Perhaps share our deepest, darkest secrets?" Colt offered. He was trying not to look at the dented cabinets or the empty space
where a chair used to reside. He was especially ignoring all the wires that hung down from the ceiling.
"Are you serious?" James asked.
"Nope and don't look so disappointed about not getting drugs."
"I gotta make the pain go away somehow, Commander," Garrus said.
"Would anyone else like to share their feelings on this matter?" Colt asked the group. All of their hands shot up. "Put your goddamn hand down if your question has something to do with drugs." All the hands went down. "This is why we don't have nice things," he sighed, "Any comments on my earlier behavior?"
"Your actions perfectly summarized primitive behavior," Javik said.
"Oh, shut the fuck up. You're just happy that you're not the day's asshole for once," Colt fired back.
"What happened to being nice?" Liara asked sternly.
"I mean, you're so right, Javik," Shepard swallowed hard, "What ever caused you...," he paused. The bile in his throat was creeping up steadily. "...to be so wise," he finally choked out. This was how he died.
"You okay?" Liara said.
"Yup," Colt mewed in the most pitiful of voices. He had no strength left in his body. Being nice to Javik was too much for him to bare. In a final moment of weakness, Colt fell backwards into Liara's arms. "I'm ready to join my ancestors, Liara. My time has come," he declared, "Bury me under an apple tree."
"Why an apple tree?" She asked.
"I like apples."
"Makes sense," she mused.
"Tell my wife I love her. Tell Garrus that I'd totally go gay for him. Tell my children that I died so that they could live. Let Anderson know that I cut him out of the will. Let the galaxy know what I did for them," Shepard said while one of his hands flew up to his forehead dramatically. His final moments were fast approaching. Telling Javik those things strained his heart(s). "You must avenge me, Liara. You must kill Javik," he coughed out. Respiratory failure was imminent. He was slipping.
Colt reached up to touch Liara's face before saying, "Goodbye, my love. You were a great cover for Garrus and my relationship." Then he was gone.
After a moment of being totally limp in Liara's arms, Colt rolled from her grasp. He announced to the group, "Now I can haunt all your sorry asses."
"That was, perhaps, one of the most dramatic things I've ever watched in my life," Chakwas said. Truth be told, Colt just wanted everyone to forget about his earlier anger. If all he had to do was act like an utter doofus in front of everybody, he'd run and get the Dunce hat from storage.
"That was a public service announcement. Remember kids, being nice to Javik can cause a heart attack," Shepard said. Javik looked slightly pleased at the whole thing. This further proved Colt's theory that the Prothean was the anti-Christ.
"Anyways, I guess I should probably brief everyone on what's going down today. I'd rather act out my death, but whatever," Shepard said grumpily, "There's several major things that are about to happen. I'll tell you the good news first and then the bad news. The good news is that we are currently heading to Tricensimae to pick up a few dozen high priority turians. For one reason or another, they need to be flown to the Citadel. We have been voluntold for the task. Joker says we'll be there in about a half an hour with another two hour wait after that. Our cargo is also going to be unloaded when we pick up the turians. The devastating news is that my mom is coming aboard while the turians are being loaded and the cargo is being unloaded. She is not an easy person to please, people. I saved the galaxy twice and she told me and I quote, 'That's a good start.' Try to only talk to her about the Alliance or military stuff, they're the only things she likes. Also, for the love of anything you hold dear, do not tell her anything about me. If she asks about me, pretend that your translator is broken and grunt angrily,"
"What sorts of things should we not tell her?" Cortez piped up.
"She can't find out that I was terminally ill. She'll kick me out of life. Also, no one tell her about my twenties. Also-"
"Wait, what? Your twenties? Why can't we talk about them?"
Fuck. Colt did not mean for that to slip out. He tried desperately to change the subject, "Umm, never mind. So-"
"Shepard, teeeell usss," Traynor begged.
"Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!" The assembled group chanted. Assholes.
"I was a little promiscuous in my twenties, alright? But who wasn't?" Colt finally admitted.
"I wasn't," Chakwas said. Her high horse was dancing with glee.
"That's because you're a prude," Colt giggled.
"I beg your pardon," the good Doctor said with mock disbelief. She was always fun person.
"Actually, I think you're lying. No one would take your presentations on asari ports seriously if they found out that you were promiscuous," Shepard said.
A nasty glint started to shine in Chakwas's eyes. She straightened out her uniform for a second before a devilish smile crept onto her face. "I don't kiss and tell, Commander," she said with perfect ease.
Colt had never, ever seen so many people lose their minds.
A collective 'Oh, shit!' rose up from the ranks so suddenly and thunderously that Shepard's ears started to hurt. Garrus roared with laughter before running a circle around the doctor, whooping the whole time. Several Ensigns were banging their fists against the mess tables, somehow making the scene even louder.
Colt swung his right hand around Chakwas' shoulders and announced, "Our Chakwas, the legendary lover!" This, of course, was received with roars of approval. Vega bowed to Chakwas, while Liara patted the poor doctor's back. A laugh escaped the asari as she did so.
Chakwas' admission didn't surprise Colt one bit.
After the excitement died down a little, Shepard told the crowd, "I guess we have like two and a half hoursish to kill before the turians. I should probably figure out this whole door thing, but you guys can play charades or something. Knit maybe. Perhaps calibrate?"
"Hell no, Shepard. We are having Christmas," Vega told him.
"Really? And when was this decision made?"
"We figured today would be a good day considering how hectic it's going to get with the turians. We also thought that you would agree pretty easily," Vega calmly explained.
"Is that supposed to mean that I'm a pushover?" Colt wondered.
"No, it just means that you pretty much always give us what we want."
"Is that not a pushover?"
"Allllrighty then, let's get the presents rolling. Spirits know that I did not decorate to have nothing come of it," Garrus interrupted. The crew nodded in agreement. Were all the little shits aware of this plan? They'd probably planned this for months.
"You shut your strange little mouth before Shepard decides to change his leadership style," Garrus muttered in Vega's ear. Whispering didn't really work around Colt's bat ears.
"What the hell does that mean?" Shepard asked, hands on his hips.
"Shepard, you are a pretty laid back guy. We enjoy our time on the Fun Flying Boat. We appreciate your casual approach and the freedom you provide us. You're not a pushover, you're reasonable," Garrus said nicely.
"Hmm, that was oddly rehearsed."
"Not at all, Shepard," he said mechanically.
"Do you guys think that I'm too casual? Maybe I should be more disciplined," Colt said this to himself rather than anyone else.
"You should," Javik muttered.
"You shouldn't," Garrus argued back.
"Whatever. Ashley can lead you shitsticks from now on," Colt rumbled.
"What are you gonna do if you aren't leading us shitsticks?" Vega wondered.
"I'm going to invent a better chafing cream."
"A noble cause," Liara said.
"Well," Garrus said cheerfully. The turian walked next to Shepard and slapped him so hard on the back a few teeth came loose. "...I don't know about you guys, but I need to get ready for Christmas."
"How are you getting ready exactly?" Colt managed through the pain.
"Santa Suit, bitch!"
"You can't just let me die in peace, can you?" Shepard muttered.
The turian had the doofiest smile painted across his ugly face before he said, "That would be no fun, Shepard." He turned slowly and strode confidently towards the forward battery.
Colt watched him leave before telling the crew, "I guess let's meet back here in ten minutes." They nodded before dispersing into smaller groups.
Shepard walked towards Liara, who was just starting up a conversation with Chakwas. "...Have you told him yet?" The asari asked. Colt stopped right next to Liara and leaned into her a bit. She gave him a warm smile before turning her attention back to Karen.
Chakwas glanced at him before saying, "Not yet."
"Are you going to?"
"Eventually," she said with a sigh.
"If he sees them before we tell him, he's gonna have a rough time," Liara said.
"I know. I just don't wanna ruin Christmas for him. I'll tell him after presents," Chakwas said with a strained voice.
"That's probably a good idea," Liara told her.
"Yeah," Chakwas muttered while running a hand through her hair. She looked at Liara for a second more before turning on her heel and stepping into the Med Bay.
The asari turned into Colt and wrapped an arm around his waist.
"What was that all about?" He asked. The pair started to walk slowly towards a Mess seat.
"The Vakarian Family is coming aboard and Chakwas still hasn't told Garrus," she said. Shepard slid onto the bench before Liara followed suit. He turned in the seat so he could face her.
"Oh."
"Yeah," she said unhappily. She then looked towards him and said in much more pleasant tone, "What's bothering you? You looked confused."
"That's just my face."
"No," Liara laughed and poked him in the belly. He giggled like a child in response. "What's the real problem?" She asked.
He cracked his knuckles before saying,"Why are the Vakarians coming aboard?"
"Garrus' mom needs some major medical treatment on the Citadel."
"Oh…" Shepard trailed off. Wouldn't they have to be on Palaven to pick Garrus's parents up? "Aren't we on the Citadel?" He asked.
Liara looked up sharply before saying carefully, "We're on Palaven."
The day's accomplishments rushed back into memory with headache inducing speed. "That's right. I just forgot with all this craziness that's been happening."
"Are you feeling alright?" She asked.
"Of course, its just been a hectic day."
She nodded unconvincingly. "You'd tell me if you were feeling off, right?"
"Yes, yes. Of course," he answered. Shepard meant it.
A dull ache started up at the top of his nose. A second later, warm liquid started to seep from his nose. Colt brought his hand up to the liquid and then looked at it. It was a light red color. The same color that occurred when his cybernetic juices mixed with his organic ones. "Shit," he cursed, "Excuse me, Liara."
The asari slid out from the bench so he could make a run for it. Shepard got up and power walked towards the bathrooms. Some crew members looked up curiously as he passed, eventually returning to their conversations once they realized it was only a nose bleed.
He walked into the bathroom and grabbed some tissues placed on the counter. He wadded them up and pressed them against his nose. He leaned his head forward and waited for the blood flow to stop.
It leaked through the tissue and started a slow drip onto the counter. The noise of the splat irritated Colt a bit. It was piercing for such an insignificant sound. He grabbed more tissue and added it to the wad. The dripping stopped after the additional reinforcements.
Some movement out of the corner of his eye caused him to turn suddenly. One of the stall doors swung out a fraction of an inch, but everything else was quiet. The other doors were locked into position so they wouldn't swing around during flight. Rows of various toiletries were placed in secure boxes bolted to the wall. Must've just been his imagination. He swung his head around to make sure before he returned to looking in the mirror.
Jesus. It leaked through again and was starting to dribble down his chin. The Normandy's dry air must've aggravated his sinuses and caused the bleed. And what a bleed it was. It was still light red, a shade lighter than true human organic blood.
He grabbed more tissue and pressed it against his face. This seemed to do the trick. A few minutes later and the bleed finally stopped. Shepard cleaned his bloody face up before throwing his trash away and going back into the Mess Hall. The crew already formed a circle of chairs for the Christmas fiasco about to take place.
"Which seat is mine?" He called out.
"This one, Commander," Westmoreland pointed at a seat nestled between Liara and Garrus. His two main confidants.
"Wow, is this all for me?" Colt looked at the packages that were piled high around his chair.
"It certainly appears that way," Garrus confirmed.
"You're holding the whole procession up, Commander!"
"Sorry, sorry," he said. He put his hands up in surrender while quickly sitting down.
"Let's start at Shepard and then make our way around the circle," Liara said. The crew nodded in the affirmative.
"Alrighty then," Colt rubbed his hands together. He reached for the smallest present first. He liked to work his way up. "This is from Joker," he said while reading the tag. Shepard tore the present open with little regard for the wrapping paper. His mother would have a conniption if she ever found that he didn't preserve the paper perfectly. "A beard trimmer!" Colt held up the item for all to see.
"Seriously, Shepard, your facial hair gets a little freaky sometimes," Joker said, "Go on, there's more."
Colt reached down and grabbed the next item in his poorly wrapped package. It was a book, so naturally Shepard read the title out loud, "The How-To's of Humor. How to Go From Awkward Conversationalist to Workplace Comedian."
"We all know you need some help, Shepard. I figured this would be a great way to slowly introduce you to the art that is humor," his pilot explained.
"Wow! Now I can be a sarcastic asshole just like you!" Colt exclaimed.
"Mission accomplished, Commander," Joker grumbled.
"Alright, Traynor, you're next," Shepard told the Specialist. She smiled before grabbing for her smallest present. She had definitely stolen his method of unwrapping.
"Sorry to interrupt, Commander, Specialist," EDI said quickly.
"That's quite alright EDI, what's the problem?"
"Admiral Hackett wants to speak with you again on the QEC," she told him.
"Can it wait any?"
"He said anytime this hour would be acceptable," the AI responded. A quick glance at his omnitool told him that they had nearly a full hour.
"Hmm, okay. Thanks."
"Why don't you open all your presents first?" Liara suggested.
"Works for me," he laughed. Shepard looked around at all the faces to make sure they were okay with the idea. They seemed game. "Cool, let's get started," he said. Colt reached for the next smallest present and tore at it. "This one's from Cortez. It's got some weight to it," he said. A moment later he pulled a bottle of Ryncol from the wrapping paper's clutches. "You know me too well, Cortez!" He laughed, "Twenty-one seventy-three was an excellent year for Ryncol."
"Really?" The shuttle pilot asked.
"I don't know," Colt giggled, "Thank you very much, though."
"Certainly, Commander."
"What's next? Oh, this one's from Traynor," Shepard said. He tore off the wrapping paper to reveal a sweater. His very own face was sewn into the the garment all over the place. Puffs of off-white plumage were also sewn randomly onto the fabric. "Oh my God!" Colt excitedly pulled off his current shirt. Then he shoved his new sweater over his head and pulled it down over himself.
Colt looked up at his audience and asked, "How do I look?"
"Thank you, Jesus," Private Campbell muttered under her breathe. No one else heard it.
Some of the other members of his crew had wide eyes and partially open mouths.
"Uhh, guys, you okay?" Shepard questioned. He wasn't stupid. Their problem was pretty evident.
"We certainly are, Commander," Westmoreland said.
"You know, I feel better than okay, Commander," Copeland said smugly.
A mischievous grin was exchanged between crew members. Colt knew that face. He made that same face on many an occasion. If anyone could attest to the fact that lust was a deadly sin, it would be Shepard.
"Y'all are nasty," Colt told them, "I'm opening my next present, you pervs."
He reached for the next smallest present in his rather impressive stack of goodies. "Looks like this one's from Garrus," he said while unwrapping the gift. There were three tickets to the next Lion's biota-ball game along with a pink BFF picture frame. The picture inside was quite possibly the worst picture he'd ever taken in his entire life. "This is actually the worst picture of me in the history of forever," Shepard said.
"It was a good picture of me," Garrus announced with a hint of arrogance. He was learning so quickly.
"Thanks buddy. Appreciate it."
"Let me see," Liara said while reaching for the frame. "Yeah, still hot," she said after a moment of careful scrutiny.
"I'm super glad," Shepard told her. He rolled his eyes before grinning. The next package was significantly larger than his previous gifts. "This one's from engineering," he announced, "I didn't know you guys got out enough to go shopping." He shot his engineers a galaxy-famous smirk.
Inside the meticulously wrapped package was a biography on none other than Shepard himself. "Feed the ego!" He laughed.
"There's more, Commander," Kenneth said mischievously. Colt was a little afraid of continuing. Perhaps they had built some sort of pipe bomb in retaliation for all the fish food he had put in the vents. But he plunged ahead, totally aware that these could be his final moments.
"Thank God," he sighed in relief when he pulled out a Garrus plushie and a ship model. No pipe bombs. That was always a beautiful thing.
"What did you think it was gonna be?" Engineer Adams asked.
"A pipe bomb in retaliation for all the fish food I've placed in the vents," Colt replied.
"Wait...what?!"
"Let's move on, shall we. Who's next?" Colt quickly said. He reached for Vega's gift. It was obviously Vega's because it looked like a two year old with no hands and two toes tried to pin on wrapping paper.
"That's mine!" The Lieutenant told the group.
"I believe that is apparent, Vega," Shepard said with feigned disdain.
A piece of the wrapping was struggling to cling to the gift. In order to maintain his humanity and common decency, Colt ended its pained existence by yanking the whole sad procession from the gift. It was the morally righteous thing to do. James' gift turned out to be a datapad upload detailing the history of the N7 program.
"It has whole section on just on you, Shepard," Vega said.
"That's what I like to hear!"
"You're killing me, Commander. You gotta open ours next," Ensign Copeland shoved a large gift towards him. Despite the gift violating his policy of smallest to largest, Shepard started to unravel the wrapping.
"Only one gift from all the Ensigns? I'll remember that when I'm thinking about which planets to save," Colt said with a smirk.
"The Engineering department only gave you one gift!" Copeland argued.
"They're engineers. I don't expect them to understand social norms," Shepard told him.
"I'm not even mad. You're not wrong," Engineer Adams conceded.
Colt raised his eyebrows at the Ensigns. He had definitely won this one.
"Whatever, just open your present. Uhh, sir," Copeland fumbled.
"Touchy," Colt jeered. He licked his lips with mock arrogance before ripping the paper away. "Oh my fucking God! Yes!" Shepard exclaimed. He turned the present towards his friends so they could bask in all of its glory. Dance Party 4 was definitely the best of the Dance Parties. Now he could dance all day instead of saving the galaxy. A dream come true.
"Does that mean that you forgive us for only getting one present?" Copeland tried with a smile.
"No."
"Oh."
The next gift was from Chakwas. If it wasn't alcohol, he was going to lose all faith in the good doctor. "What could it be?" He wondered. A moment later he slipped a bottle of serrice ice brandy from the packaging.
"I figured I'd get the bottle this time. You can get the next one for the next alien invasion," she joked.
"Don't even say that, Doc," he replied. Colt pulled a largeish present towards him. "That's from me," Ashley said proudly. Colt tore away the awkward wrapping to reveal an ungodly number of weapon mods along with a data chip.
"That chip has some of my favorite poems on it," she said.
"Thanks, Asssh," he sputtered. That was too close. "Those mods must have cost a fortune," he quickly recovered.
"I know a guy," she replied with a shrug.
"I believe that mine is next," EDI interrupted. The AI walked over the the Mess's island and picked something up. She turned and carried a large, long, flat gift to Shepard.
Colt ripped the paper with enthusiasm. He really had no idea what she had gotten him.
"Woah," was all he could manage. There weren't really any words.
"Show us," Vega whined. Shepard flipped the painting around for everyone to see. Their reaction was similar to his. Hushed awe.
EDI had painted something that words couldn't really describe. It was a masterpiece. And the best part was that it was him in the painting. Which, truth be told, was the reason why it was a masterpiece.
"Holy hell, EDI," Joker said, "Where did you learn to paint like that?"
"The extranet," she replied simply.
The painting showed Colt's profile from the shoulders up. He wasn't doing anything, just simply looking at the observer. The stunning part was how accurately it captured his smirk and eyes. The whole thing was difficult to look at. It was a bit too close to the truth.
"Pass it around, Shepard," Vega told him. He complied and handed it over to Liara.
"Goddess," she muttered. The asari passed it on quickly.
"It looks too sad. Shepard's way too bubbly," Ashley said before passing it on.
"I agree," Copeland said.
Chakwas took the painting from the young Ensign and looked over it carefully. She glanced at him, back to the painting, and then to EDI. The doctor had always believed that AI's were simply mimicking sentience rather than living a life. Perhaps this would change her opinion.
"You know, I think we should hang it right there," Shepard said as he pointed to the wall separating the Mess Hall from the elevator and crew rooms. "It'll be central, so everyone will have to see it every single day of their life," he said, completely and utterly self-satisfied.
"I expect nothing less, Shepard," Joker said.
"We have to hurry," Garrus said, checking the time on his omni-tool.
"You're right. Who's up next?" Colt asked.
"That would be me," Liara said, "We'll have to setup a temporary screen."
"Now I'm intrigued," Shepard said. Why she didn't just use the regular screens, he didn't know.
Liara threw him a grin before she started setting up a makeshift screen. He looked at the ceiling to see what the hell was wrong with their normal screens. Wires hung down from where they were normally stored. What could've caused so much damage?
His attention broke once the crew started shifting their chairs to face the makeshift screen. The asari fiddled around with the her omni-tool a bit before a vid started playing.
"Describe Commander Shepard in one word," Liara said on-screen.
"The Commander's a total wierdo. I mean I love him, but he's a very strange person," Private Westmoreland said, "Oh, sorry. One word. Hmmm...I guess I would say odd."
The vid then cut out to Copeland. "Weird. Extremely weird," the Ensign stated.
The video changed once more, this time showing Adams. "Shepard is a very odd person. Just strange," the Engineer said said. The asari's vid cycled rapidly from person to person. Once someone was done speaking, a new face showed up to speak their mind.
"Oh man, that's hard. There's no way that one word can describe him. Maybe saucy. He's very saucy," Garrus laughed.
"Only one word? Seriously? Oh, okay. Maybe talented? That just sounds cliche. He's pretty hilarious," Traynor fumbled.
"Asshole. A friendly, lovable asshole. The supreme asshole," Joker said.
"I cannot describe Shepard in just one word. He's incredibly understanding. But that's such an oversimplification. I'll have to give this more thought," EDI said.
"I think he's gay," Donnelly said. Colt wasn't even mad.
"The Commander is an inspiration," Daniels said.
"He's a goofball. A straight up ham," Ashley told the camera.
"Favorite Shepard story?" Liara's voice asked behind the camera.
"That's hard. Hmm, I guess it would be the whole nipple incident. Do you remember that? He was convinced that his nipples were fake and that Cerberus had reconstructed them. I mean that shit got scientific. Specialist Traynor was like doing mathematical calculations on his nipples' positions. There was like side-by-side comparisons. EDI started calculating their shape based on pictures of him before reconstruction. All to prove that his nipples were organic. At the end of it we were like, 'Did we just spend an entire day analyzing Commander Shepard's nipples?' It was great," Daniels laughed.
"Every time I see the Commander, some strange and hilarious event takes place. So, I don't really think I can really narrow it down to a favorite," Traynor said.
"One time he wore a squid hat for an entire day and forced everyone to refer to him as Mr. Squidley. I wish I was joking," Adams said this in the most monotone voice Shepard had ever heard.
"I still can't get over that one day where he and Garrus scared the shit out of you just so they could see if your tentacles moved," Ashley said. Liara mumbled something just behind the camera.
"I'm still in awe that he won the talent show simply through the use of his eyebrows," Joker admitted.
"I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store on the Citadel," Garrus said, in a voice that was far too high pitch to accurately depict Colt's voice. "I heard that for four fucking months every time I went on the Citadel. You're only supposed to endorse one store, dammit!"
"I love how the Commander hangs out with us on the regular. Most CO's would just ignore us, but not him. I don't know. It's nice to feel like you're valued member of the team," Daniels said.
A sudden pain shot through Colt's head. It was just behind his left eye and fuck was it persistent. It felt like his eye was getting torn out by pliers. He struggled to keep his head up and facing the screen. All he wanted to do was crawl somewhere dark and curl up. But that wasn't an option with everyone watching him. So he stayed put.
His hand eventually went up to his head. It rubbed at his eye a bit too hard, causing some blood to ooze from his eye down the side of his nose. Colt quickly wiped it off before anyone could see and his biotics closed the wound before it could leak anymore. The pain kept on coming before cutting out entirely.
Shepard shook his head slightly and refocused on the vid. Much to his dismay, the credits were already rolling. How much did he miss? How much time passed?
Liara looked over at him hopefully. No way was he gonna disappoint her by looking confused or in pain. "That was awesome!" Colt announced, mostly to the asari. He gave her a quick peck on the lips.
"Merry Christmas," she said.
"Merry Christmas to you as well," he said warmly. Colt grinned at her before standing up and saying, "I'm off to see the Hackett."
"Shepard, can I ask you a question?" Adams said before Shepard could take a step towards the elevator.
"Of course! Fire away."
"Why did you put fish food in the vents?"
"It looked like poop and I thought it'd be funny."
Colt had never, not once, seen someone so entirely done. "Of course you did," Adams sighed, "You know, if you spent more time feeding your fish that food instead of putting it in the vents, they probably wouldn't be dying all the time."
Shepard blinked at the engineer before saying, "I want to be offended, but you're not wrong."
"That's all I'm saying, Commander."
"I accept the truth," Colt told him. He turned his attention from the engineer to the rest of the group, "Alright guys, I should go." A burst of laughter erupted across the sea of crewmen. "How's that funny?" He asked.
"No reason," Garrus said quickly. "Also, do you mind cleaning up this?" The turian pointed at the island in the kitchen.
"What is it?"
"Only your blood and all your other weird juices."
"Gross."
"I know. So, can you please clean it up?"
"Why should I? It's not my blood," Shepard retorted.
"I'm not stupid, Shepard. I watched you, hell everyone watched you cut your forearm," the turian said. What the hell was he talking about? Even for Garrus, this was a new level of nonsense.
"When? Hmmm? The second I go over there, I'll get trapped in some half-assed prank. I know you too well Gar-Bear. Some even say I know you better than you know yourself," He joked.
"It's not a prank! I just don't wanna clean up your blood."
Colt walked over to inspect the area. "Here," Garrus handed him a knife once he reached the turian.
"Oh my God, Garrus! You can't just put watered down Ketchup on a knife. That's not fooling anybody. Look, after I'm done talking with Hackett I'll give you my very own recipe for human blood. Then you can try whatever prank this is again. Deal?"
"What? None of what you're saying makes sense," the turian said.
"Sounds like someone needs a translator tune-up. Anyways, I really do need to talk to Hackett. I'll be back before you know it," Shepard said. He slapped Garrus on the back and made his way to the elevator. Everyone was staring at him with the same confused expression Garrus wore. They must've been in on whatever prank Gar-Bear was planning.
Traynor got up and followed him onto the elevator. "What's up?" He asked once the doors closed.
"I just need to go through some logistics with you," she said, "By the way, you got out of cleaning that whole mess up brilliantly. Acting ignorant gets you out of a lot of situations."
"Thanks?" Colt said. He didn't have the slightest clue what she was talking about, but he wasn't about to reject a compliment.
"You are very welcome. So, I was just gonna run through a couple things just so you're all caught up on the situation."
"Of course, go ahead."
"Alright, well, I don't know if anyone's told you, but the Vakarians are coming aboard," she told him.
"No, no one's told me. Why are they coming aboard?" He answered.
"His mom needs some medical treatment on the Citadel."
"Oh God. That's just awful," Colt sighed. He ran a hand through his budding hair.
"Ya," she agreed, "I just thought you should be aware."